Stop Running a Five-Star Hotel for Your Grad (with Beth Carter)

If your college grad is stuck at home and you're giving them all sorts of advice, then this is the perfect podcast to listen to. Today, I am accompanied by Beth Carter of Beth Carter Enterprises, who's been an executive coach, a certified leadership coach, and she's an adjunct professor at 2 universities. Welcome, Beth.

Thanks for having me, Evan.

Glad you're here. So I think that a lot of parents go into this season of trying to help their college grad get a job, and their default mode is just sending them job listings. Do you think that's a good idea?

I think parents need to not enable their children. I mean, it's one thing to look at their resume and— but then tell them to go to other resources, meaning again, going to career— the career counseling center, Maybe having them talk to one of their parents' friends, so being more objective. And also, you know, recognizing that even a fellow student's parents— I've seen that before, like their best friend's parent could be your next job lead. So trying to get the parents, it's good to help, but maybe thinking of other resources that could be better help, because I think, you know, these college grads probably feel a little guilty because they, you know, they— Spent all this money. They may just feel lethargic because it is exhausting looking for a job at any age. And obviously they're scared. But, you know, fear means 2 different things. It's an acronym. You know, if a tiger's running after you, it's forget everything and run. But what we want to instill in college grads is fear also means face everything and rise. So what you're trying to do is, you know, raise your child up But to do that, they've got to do it on their own. They're not going to go into the interview with you, although one parent tried to do that. They're not going to, you know, you're not as the parent going to call up about their kids' benefits or why didn't Johnny get a raise. Once they're in the workplace, they have to be on their own 2 feet. So it starts now.

And I think a lot of parents are so afraid of their college grads failing.

They seem to put this pressure on them that they have to get the right first move right out of Oh, the first semester I ever taught, I had seniors, and one senior was screwing up the interviews because she was under a lot of pressure, you know, and they do have— some of them, you know, are paying off student loans, things along those lines, and I said to them, look, I'll talk to your parents. I don't care, I said, because if they keep putting pressure on you, you're going to keep screwing up the interviews, and then you're still going to have the student loans to pay off, so it's better for parents to let them fail. We all fail at times, and maybe the first interview doesn't go well, but maybe the second one will. But until they allow them to do it, how are you going to know? I mean, I've been, as you've pointed out, you know, I've been an executive recruiter for over 30 years, and believe me, there were times I tripped over my own feet or I messed up an interview, but I learned from it. So, you know, coddling your kids is not helping. And again, working with some other people that can, you know, be more objective and maybe, you know, be tough. I mean, I'm tough with the freshmen. I might— I've been told I scare them sometimes, but at least we set the foundation and then they know that they can trust me. That's one thing, you know, you could be tough, but you need the trust. So you have to have both.

Yeah. And it's, and it's a balance to, to do that, especially as a parent, because you're so emotionally invested and you invested, you you know, tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands on this college education. And you thought that your job was over now. And so now you're in a situation where you want them to go out into the world and you're putting all this pressure on them and they don't know what to do with that. So they just resist and shut down. What other advice would you give parents on what not to do or what to do?

Well, first of all, don't let them sit in the basement playing video games all day long. And I know some parents do that. My argument is you're out of college, you need to look for a job, and in the meantime, you can go bag groceries at a grocery store. I mean, you need to pay rent, you need to pay your bills. And that's the other thing— parents are paying for everything. And I had one of my sons live with me because rents are so high, and he paid rent. He also had chores. It dumbfounds me how many parents just, you know, it's carte blanche. So what's the motivation? to do something. So, you know, if mom and dad are going to keep paying for everything and, you know, why not play video games all day? Listen, if I had parents like that, I'd play video games all day, too.

It's a 5-star hotel.

Exactly. 4-star hotel.

But yeah, 4-star. But you get your laundry done, you get your groceries taken care of. You don't have to pay any of your bills. It's, it's, it's, it's very comfortable and very easy.

I mean, sometimes it starts in college, too. I had students that told me that some of their classmates Parents were cleaning dorm rooms and doing laundry and all of that. I mean, I came home and my mother's like, well, there's the washing machine. Go for it. So people, they need basic skills. One of my biggest fears with this generation is if something does happen to mom and dad, how are they going to survive? So they need— I won't even call them looking for job skills. They need survival skills. And one of them is facing the fact that you're not going to get everything you want. And the first job may be horrible.

Horrible.

my first job, you know, I worked, I worked for KPMG as an intern. But then when I got my first job, because KPMG had a hiring freeze, it was not pleasant. My boss was not the nicest person to work for. And 9 months later, when I got the call to jump back to KPMG, believe me, I took full advantage of it. But I did learn things, and I did bond with the other people in the office. So there was some positives to it. So every experience can be a learning opportunity, but parents have got to cut the cord, and I can't stress that enough. I know it's hard, I know it's emotional, but you know, you got to do it.

Yeah, and you have to let them fail. So if they're going to not show up to work because they're on a flipped sleep schedule, and if they get so many absences, they'll be, they'll be let go. There are consequences. You know, people have this view of Gen Z as being entitled or just wants the easy button. What's your take on Gen Z?

Well, first of all, it used to be entitled was with the younger millennials. Gen Z is, you know, lack of confidence, lack of communication, coddled, you know, all the C words. I think it depends on the student or the grad. It depends on the parents. It depends on the, you know, the environment that they live in, all of it. So I can't, you know, put a stereotype on everything. I do think that they work very differently. Even my own— my oldest lives in San Diego. When he comes to visit, he's got 3 computer screens going at the same time. One's work-related, he's playing a soccer game with his friend, and he's doing something else on the third one, and he's working the phone at the same time. And, you know, he'll go for a 2-hour run in the middle of the day, but then he'll come back and he'll work. So that whole 9-to-5 mentality is different. And I think that also is with the parents. Maybe that was the way you worked. It was certainly the way I was brought up and the way I worked. But again, you have to recognize that's not the norm now. And with that though, again, bills are expensive. I mean, rent is, you know, ridiculous. You got to get a car in most likelihood. You have to have a wardrobe and all these things. And yes, maybe you give your child a little bit of grad money and say, okay, now you got to manage this. But It dumbfounds me too that students don't know how, or college grads don't know how to do a budget. In my negotiations class, that's one of the first things they have to do is do a budget. And, you know, spending— one of my students, she was getting her hair and nails done, and it was probably like $400 or $500 a month. So she went to her parents and said, well, you know, considering I'm spending all this money on this, can you pay for my groceries? And her parents did it. And I was like, Blown away. I would have said, well, then you need to— you need to pay for your hair and this, you know, or I'll give you a little bit of money towards your food. But no, I'm not doing that. I mean, my kids learn how to manage, you know, budget. It helps that their mother is an entrepreneur too, because I've instilled this in them. But they got to stand on their own 2 feet and learn how to use a washing machine.

Yeah. Or dishwasher or, you know, or basic things. Right. It's, um, yeah, it's, it's really interesting. So I think you gave parents a lot of insight into, into, you know, what's going on with Gen Z and how, and how they don't need to coddle them. Is there any other advice that you would give them?

Oh, yeah. Get a hobby. Find something for you to do. Get you out of the house and find a hobby because you're not going to— your hobby is not your child. So if you find a really good hobby or exercise or whatever, Then that's your focus. I know that sounds kind of bizarre, but because you have this time supposedly and you're focused on your child, it'd be better for you to be focusing on something for yourself. You earned it too. Let's, let's give the parents credit. They, they've gotten their kids 4 years through college, and I'm sure there was tears and fears and all kinds of stuff during that time. So this is their time now. So back off. Those are my 2 favorite words. Back off. Get a hobby. And live your life now because it's your turn. And, you know, parents just again have such a tough time with this that, you know, they need to— they're not doing their children any favors. And in the long run, what are they going to be in their house till they're 40? And let me tell you, some woman— I read this— she threw out her 2 sons in their 40s. Um, she had to go to court to get rid of them. Like, come on, that's ridiculous. So, you know, if you want that, okay, I can't stop you. But if you really want your kid to be successful, you need to start now.

I love that because I think that when parents show up differently, if they do do a hobby and take care of themselves, then that will lessen their anxiety and they won't throw that anxiety onto the kid because anxiety is contagious. So—

Totally agree.

So This was a great conversation, Beth. Thank you so much for joining us today. It was great to have you on the podcast.

Oh, it was fun. Thanks so much for having me.