How Words Whisper Into Our Tomorrow | Matt Abrahams

The future is how.

Have you asked yourself today, what's next for me? You're not alone. We've all felt that way at some point. My name is Frederik Pferdt, and for years I've helped the brightest minds at Google and Stanford and people around the world shape their futures. Now I want to help you to do the same. Because the future isn't just something that happens. It's something you can create. Starting right now. From within. Instead of waiting to see what happens next, let's explore how you can make it happen. Each episode dives into one key area. Like sleep, nutrition, relationships, creativity, storytelling, mindfulness, beauty, movement, or purpose, and brings you real stories and practical tools you can use to shape a better future for yourself. So what's one step you can take today to create what's next? Let's dive in and explore how to build a better tomorrow, starting right now.

So welcome, listeners, to The Future Is How, where we go beyond predictions and explore how to create a better next. Today we're talking about something we all need to shape the future: our words.. And I couldn't think of a better guest than Matt Abrahams. So Matt is a Stanford lecturer, a communication expert, an author, and someone who is helping thousands become more confident communicators. So Matt, welcome to the show.

I'm thrilled to be here. I look forward to our conversation.

Great. So Matt, let's start with imagining your future. So imagine it's the year 2035. Your work has shaped how millions communicate. So give us your future bio. What are you doing? What impact have you made? And who have you become?

Oh, well, in 10 years, I will likely have become a grandfather and hopefully somebody who has found a good balance in life and isn't working too hard. In terms of impact, it is my true hope that I will have continued what I have started, which is really to help people hone and develop their communication skills. Communication skills, and that all have learned a lot along the way. I'm sure we will have had multiple iterations of communication technology impacting what we do. And ultimately, I hope that people will be better connected and better understood, and those who don't feel comfortable for whatever reason sharing their ideas and opinions will feel that they've found ways to do so. That's a world I'd love to live in and one I'm hoping that I'm working to build towards.

That's a beautiful world that you just visualized for us here. Wonderful. We all, I think, need to be more connected. Our ideas need to be heard more. And Yeah, thanks for doing that work. So let's go back in time for a moment. What's maybe one conversation that changed the course of your life?

Oh, there have been many conversations that have. I think one that stands out to me that really, that really made a difference, my mentor and advisor when I was an undergraduate it was Phil Zimbardo. And Phil was— he's recently passed away— was very famous for many things he did, but perhaps most famous or infamous for the Stanford Prison Experiment, a study that gave great insight into human interaction and the effect of situations on those interactions, but one that was very literally traumatic for people involved and those who learned about it. So very controversial. But as a person and as a professor, he was very kind and helpful to me. And one of the things he said— I was always— and he was very famous as a professor for his engaging style and way of really connecting with students. And I knew that teaching was something I was passionate about. He shared with me that in order to teach, you need to engage and really helped me understand that engagement is critical in communication, in teaching, and in learning. And ever since then, I've always worked very hard to make sure that I engage in whatever I do, but particularly in my teaching and my podcasting and other things. So that was a really important conversation. I remember we were having quite the meta conversation about what makes for effective teaching and learning, and that was very powerful. But there are many other conversations that have moved my life.

Thanks for sharing that. So how do you engage in your podcasts, in your teaching? Like, what are some of the ways you're using to engage with students, with leaders, with maybe your family, right, or friends or other people?

So for me, engagement is really sustained attention. I believe attention is the most precious commodity we have in the world today. Our attention is constantly being pulled in different directions. And sustained attention is engagement. So first and foremost, it comes down to appreciating those that you're speaking with. You have to understand what's important and relevant, salient to them. Many of us, when we communicate, we just broadcast information. Success is getting it out, but that's Not correct. Success is landing it, making sure people understand and can act on what you're saying. So engagement first and foremost means you have to understand those you're speaking with. And many of us don't take the time to do that work of understanding. Once you understand, you then have to give people something to latch on to so that they stay focused. And there are many ways to do this. I tend to divide it into 3 different ways. One is physical, get people doing something. Second is mental, get them seeing something or engaging in a mental way. And then finally is linguistic through the language and framing that we use. So a physical engagement tool might be to take a poll or to ask people to watch something. A mental engagement tool might be to use an analogy or to ask a question. And then a linguistic tool might be to ask people to see something in their mind's eye, say, "Imagine this," or "Picture what it would be like if." So in using all of those tools, you garner focus. And if it's on something that's relevant or framed as relevant for people, they'll pay more attention to it. So I try to do that in all of my communication and my teaching, my personal, my professional life to really try to help people.

Wonderful. What's one thing maybe you observed in students at Stanford in their communications? Maybe a myth and maybe a mistake they make in the beginning when, you know, they engage with you and they learn how to be better communicators? What's maybe a myth they come to you— I think you busted one already, which is that communication is about transmitting information, right? It's just about teaching something or telling somebody something, right? So I like that we busted that myth already. It's more about engagement. But what is a common mistake that you see in the students that are made or maybe a couple of mistakes that are made when you engage with them?

Sure. So that is one of the big ones, which is that people carry around this notion that success is just broadcasting. And so it, it really boils down to know your audience. That's the advice that comes from that. But the other mistake that a lot of us make is we focus on perfection. We really want to do it right. And believe me, Stanford MBA students, Stanford students, highly driven, They want to do it right. The problem is with communication, there is no right. There is no perfect way to communicate. There are better ways or worse ways, but there is no one right way to do it. And putting pressure on yourself to do it right actually gets in the way of doing it well. It comes down to cognitive load. You only have so much cognitive resource that you can expend. And if part of that is allocated or dedicated to assessing, am I saying it right? Am I doing it right? That gets in the way and sucks up some of that precious cognitive power away from actually doing what communication is all about, which is connection, connecting, building rapport, transmitting information. So I like to say it's about connection, not perfection. Dial down the volume on judgment, although we still do need to judge to some level, and ramp up the focus on connecting with the other person. And if you do that,, you actually are a better communicator. This is a hard lesson to learn. I still struggle with it. But it is one that is well worth trying to tackle.

Yeah, that's I think such a relief for me particular and I think for our listeners too, right? That there is no perfect way to communicate, right? There's only a way to connect with people and you can become better at that, engaging with your audience. But also you acknowledge, right? And you appreciate that you are able to talk to someone. I think that's a great relief and a starting point as well. So when I think about perfection, right, I'm reminded that, you know, some of us, we, you know, have to give presentations or in a work context, or we have to engage in an important conversation with a colleague or a friend or something like that, right? And we want to get it right, right? We want to get the information across. We want to engage. We want to acknowledge. We want to listen. We want to get all of these things right. But what you're saying is don't worry to make it perfect, right? It's more that you're present in the moment. You're aware that you connect with someone on a deeper level. What's the role of improvisation in that? Because I think there is a way to improvise, right, in the moment where you feel like, oh, I'm not connected with the audience, or I'm not engaging in a way that I want to. How does improvisation help us to overcome that?

So improvisation is not just an act, it's a mindset.. And it can help us, especially around this notion of perfection as well. So in improvisation, it is all about being present, connecting to the moment. If there are others involved in that moment, connecting to them and being responsive and open, collaborative. The ultimate dictum that comes from improvisation is "yes, and." And that's not just always going around saying, "Yes, and, yes, and, yes, and." That can get you in trouble. But it's being open to opportunity. And if you approach your communication from that place of yes and, then you look again for collaboration and connection. So even if you and I are in a vehement disagreement where we hold totally opposite points of view, a yes and approach would try to look for where there's commonality. You might think we should do one thing and I think we should do exactly the opposite. But the thing we have in common is we both care enough about the issue that we're talking about. About. That's the yes and opportunity. So I respect your position, you respect mine, and then we say, how can we bridge this gap because we care? So having an improvisational mindset to communication invites that connection and that collaboration. So it's very helpful. And the other thing that's true of improvisation is that it's clearly acknowledged that mistakes will happen. Things aren't always going to the go the way you want it. I mean, let's face it, when you woke up this morning, did it— has everything unfolded in your day according to the script that you had in your mind? Of course not. So you had to respond and adjust, and improvisation is about that as well. So instead of beating ourselves up and ruminating in the moment, improv and an improv mindset says, say, okay, that's what happened, and I'm going to adjust and adapt. And so it's It's about reflection after the point, after the fact, recognizing mistakes are normal and natural, and just going with it. So improv has a lot to teach us about not just our communication, but our way of being.

I love that.

Yeah.

And I love what you said, that "yes, and" can get you in trouble sometimes, right?

I have two kids. If I said "yes, and" all the time, big trouble.

Yes. So that's why we usually try to do a "yes day," which I highly recommend, which is really helping you to practice that notion of where is the opportunity here, right? Because a yes opens the doors to what's next. It opens the doors to an opportunity.. And if you allow your mind to go that way, what I'm always telling myself what improv is, it's thinking on your feet, right? It's go with the flow, but like directed in a way that is positive, that is optimistic, that allows to build on each other's ideas. And I think that's something very powerful. What are some of the ways that you maybe teach at Stanford improv? Like what's a great tool or a practice that you use with your students to get better at thinking on your feet?

Yes, so I have learned from so many great colleagues. I co-teach a class and have for 15 years called Improvisationally Speaking with Adam Tobin. He teaches screenwriting at Stanford and he has taught me so much. One of the activities, and there's several that we do, but one that I have found really interesting, and since we talked about that perfection piece, I want to share this because it hits right on this. There's an improv game, very simple game. It's called Shout the Wrong Name. And Adam taught me this game. He didn't invent it, but he taught it to me. Essentially what you do, or what I do, is I have my students stand up, and anybody can do this. You can do this anywhere, sitting, standing. You don't have to be a student to do it. You just look at different things in the room around you or the space around you, and you point at them, and the only task is whatever you point at, out loud you say some other name for what it is. So right now I'm looking at a window, and I point at the window. I don't call it a window. I might call it a rabbit. I might call it a lemon. I might call it a light bulb. It doesn't matter, just not what it is. And you'd be surprised how incredibly difficult this is to do. But once you, and it highlights some of the things that our brains do that gets in the way of us actually being present. I was doing this activity, this is a while back, and a student of mine was pointing at a chair repeatedly and nothing was coming out of his mouth. So as a teacher, when you see something strange like this, you approach and I said to him, I said, what's going on? And he looked at me and said, I'm not being wrong enough. Now I want to highlight for a moment, I never gave a rubric. I never said there's a scale of rightness and wrongness. I simply said, shout the wrong name. In his own mind, he was judging before he was even saying anything. And I said, tell me more. He said, well, I was going to call the chair a cat, but a cat has 4 legs and a chair has 4 legs. And sometimes a cat sits on a chair. Do you see what he's doing in his head? These machinations, these judgments and evaluations before he even was able to say anything. And I believe all of us, I certainly see it in my own life, we prejudge, we pre-evaluate, we get in our own way. He could have said cat and moved on and he would have been just great. So it is a powerful tool to help unlock in people some of the habits that we have. At the end of the day, I always tell my strategic communication students, My class and my work is all about turning habits into choices. We communicate the way we do out of habit, and many people have been very successful based on their habits. But that doesn't mean there aren't other alternatives and tools that we could leverage. So the whole goal is to expose yourself to those new tools, and then in the moment, make a choice. Maybe what you've always done is the right thing or feels good in that moment. Maybe another tool is what you should use. Using some of these improv games can unlock that for people. Once we realize what we're doing and what our habits are, we then have the ability to change them.

Wonderful.

That's such a great example. A course I taught as well where we used exactly that exercise and students were wandering around, actually not just in our classroom but on campus, pointing to things and naming them out loud in a different word. And people just looked strangely at us. Of course. Because— but it's such a great exercise that helps you to understand the usual frame that we are in, right? We have our patterns and we use our pattern recognition machine, which is called our mind, to really recognize these patterns in our lives. And we don't challenge that, right? And I think that's a great exercise that everybody can try now. To just look at the thing, point at it, and then just name it a different name, right? Give it a different word. I think that's such a wonderful exercise.

It is, and I love that you're doing it, and I love that you're doing it in the wild. Have you or your students ever come back with just some interesting insights about doing it outside? I've only done it inside a classroom where everybody's doing it simultaneously. I'm fascinated by the fact that you do it outside.

The one thing that was surprising was that they couldn't stop. So, as soon as they went outside and walked around, right, we literally had to pull students back and say like, okay, now we're back in the classroom and we stop the exercise, but they continued like and made fun of like, you know, just walking around, so like, oh, that's not a chair, that's a light bulb or whatever it is, right? So, they continued kind of like on that path, which I find fascinating because then you really continue to practice that and you're getting into that flow of, okay, that helps me really to see the world differently as well. And it helps me to also look at the quantity of words that I have available for things, right? And you see that sometimes patterns come up. So we debrief the exercise and, and allow students to share back, like, what was surprising to you? And some students shared back that they felt that they used some words over and over again, right? And other students felt like, oh, I don't have a lot of words in my repertoire to use, right? Or they didn't come up quick enough. And so you immediately learn that this is a practice, right? And you can train yourself in becoming better at that.

And what's really interesting in what you just mentioned is something we see all the time, which is people begin to see their heuristics, their immediate habits that their brain tries to help them with, like patterns, like I stick on a theme, right? Like all fruits or all colors, or I borrow what I hear from the person standing next to me. And it highlights for us how heuristically driven we are. Our brain tries to optimize the most efficient way to accomplish tasks. Which in many cases helps us. When I'm driving down the road, I better be using heuristic thinking or I'm going to get in trouble. But when I'm having a conversation that's deep and meaningful, if my heuristics click in too strongly, I might miss something. So imagine you tell me that you had a rotten day and bad things happened. And I hear, "Oh, bad day. I'm going to use my heuristic. Oh, I'm so sorry. It just is what it is." And that's an easy response. It fits the circumstance. But maybe I missed the nuance. Maybe you were really asking me for help or something was going on that I didn't pay attention to because my heuristics clicked right in. Just like pointing at something and calling it a fruit and the next thing a fruit and the next thing a fruit, it makes the interaction or the game, if you will, easier, but you might miss what's needed. So understanding those heuristics and being able to identify when you're going into that mode or not, and then making a choice and say, okay, I'm going to do it, or no, I'm actually going to pay attention in a different way. Is profoundly impactful on people.

And I love that you're seeing that too. Yeah, you reminded me just about an important thing that is the power of questions, right? When somebody shares with you like they had just a bad day and instead of just acknowledging that, right? Like ask like, what makes your day bad, right? Usually, or like, what's the bad thing that happened to you, right? So, you go deeper on something that is revealing something. So, what do you think about the power of questions in communication?

So important on so many levels. Let me try to be concise. So the question is, what's the power of questions? So obviously ironic that the question leads to this kind of answer, but questions are so powerful for so many ways. One, they're ways of engaging. I mentioned that earlier. When I ask you a question, your brain spins up multiple systems to respond. You become more attentive and engaged because answering a question requires more effort. So I could tell you something or I could ask a question. So whenever I lecture as a teacher, when I coach executives and senior leaders and others giving high-stakes communication, I always say start with questions because it's engaging to your audience. So I never say today I'm going to cover 3 topics. I say today we're going to answer 3 questions. So number 1, it's an engagement tool. Number 2, questions allow you to connect. They allow you to dig deeper. They allow for more disclosure. They demonstrate and signal interest. Asking a question that shows you have been paying attention is as powerful as paraphrasing. And we know that paraphrasing builds trust and deepens relationships. And the other thing a question does is a question can actually bolster your credibility. So if I'm trying to demonstrate that I really understand something, know something, I can ask an insightful question that demonstrates that in a way that is much less braggadocious and off-putting than somebody who, imagine, is interviewing for a job and just recites their LinkedIn profile. So questions are amazing tools. They're like a Swiss Army knife that can be used in so many ways to really help you.

So I might ask you now a question. What's your favorite question to maybe reframe a tense conversation, right? Sometimes we end up in these conversations where we see like, no way out. Like, we have our opinion and the other person has the other opinion, right? And we really see that this is a tense conversation. So what's a favorite question that you'd like to ask to really get out of this tense conversation?

So I'm going to give you a question and a statement. So a question I like to ask is, help me understand why you believe that or what brought you to that point. So I demonstrate sincerely, which it is for me, authentically. I want to understand more deeply where that comes from. A statement I use, which in many ways fulfills the same obligation, is I'll simply say, tell me more. Giving people space to tell more and demonstrating genuine, authentic curiosity about how someone got to that place is great. And it sets you up for the very important distinction in conflict, which is a distinction between understanding and agreeing. So I can very well understand your position. But disagree with it. But we somehow confound and conflate understanding and agreement. And when I ask questions like this, we help make a distinction that, hey, I want to understand you. Doesn't mean I'm going to agree with you, but I want to understand you.

And that can be really helpful. Wonderful. Let's go back to that improv part, which I really like because it's also a way of reframing, right? And as you mentioned, yes and, right? I think that's not a typical response that we have. A typical response is a yes Yes, but. We're trying to come up with arguments why something would not work, why it's wrong, whatever it is. The yes, and is like a powerful reframe. If you, for example, say like, I want to live a more healthier lifestyle, but I have not that much time, you can reframe that with an and, where you say like, I want to live a more healthier lifestyle and I don't have much time. It already opens up possibilities, right, that you could look at in a short amount of time and live a healthier lifestyle, right? What are my options? And so tell us a little bit more how you're using reframing when you help people communicate better.

Yeah, I am so fascinated by framing and reframing. So I want to talk about this at two levels. The first level is linguistic. The words we use help frame how we see things. I have a colleague at Stanford's Business School. Her name is Michelle Gelfand. And she's fantastic. She studies negotiation, she studies conflict within cultures, and she is the one who's identified tight and loose cultures. Fascinating. But she likes to say, mind your mindset, mind your metaphors. So the metaphors that we use to frame our interactions affect how we do it. So imagine you and I are having a negotiation. If I see it as a battle, I'm going to approach it very differently than if I see it as a dance. Or as a problem to be solved. So the way we approach it, the way we frame it in our minds affects that. So language matters. My favorite framing study on language, and I'll share the research very quickly. Researchers went to a group of people and they said, imagine you have a terrible disease. We have a potential cure. It has a 67% failure rate. Would you like to take it? They went to another group of people just like that first group and said, imagine you have a terrible disease. We have a potential cure. It has a 33% success rate. Clearly, I'm saying the same thing, but the behavior is very different. People who heard it framed as success rate, even though it's a relatively low success rate, are much more likely to take it. Words matter. My son, I told my son, he wanted to get a car. He just got his license and he wanted to get his car. I said, okay, look at used cars. I'm not guaranteeing I'll buy you one, but at least look at used cars. And he came back and said, I can't find any used cars. I said, what do you mean? He said, all I can find are certified previously owned vehicles. Same piece of crap car, but you charge more for something that's certified previously owned. So the words we use, the metaphors we use matter. So what does that mean? That means as a communicator, I need to be thinking about the words I use. So if I'm trying to persuade you, do I frame the issue I'm persuading as a problem or an opportunity? Well, depends on what I know about you. When I'm in conversation, and I want to reframe. I can step back and through questioning or analogies help you see the circumstance different. So we could be discussing or even disagreeing. And I might say, you know, this sounds like— and then use an analogy. And that helps reframe the conversation. So this notion of framing and reframing, I think, is really important. It's more advanced than some of the more foundational things like know your audience, have structure to your communication..

But it is incredibly powerful as a tool to help you connect and get your point across. How can we practice that in our daily lives? What's a way that we can frame things differently when we mostly maybe frame things as a problem instead of an opportunity? When we highlight the used car instead of the certified pre-owned vehicle? What's something that I can do to become better at that?

Yeah, it's a great question. So one is observation and just start paying attention more. One of the things I try to develop in my students and the people I coach and the people who listen to my podcast, Think Fast, Talk Smart, is this meta-awareness, meta-communication. Start paying attention to your communication while you're having it and just notice what's playing out. So for example, when somebody sends you a meeting invite for a one-on-one meeting, a big meeting, a big presentation, doesn't matter. Is the title on that meeting invite, does that predispose you to think in a certain way or to come at it from a particular angle? So, it's awareness first and then begin to think about it. And I am a huge fan of iteration and planned communication. So, if you and I are, if I'm going to do a presentation for you for your class, The first time that that presentation is ever shared should not be when I'm up in front of your class. I should be iterating. I should be checking in with you, with people who are like your students to understand. And in that iterative process, start playing with framing, start playing with words and see if it makes a difference, if it matters. So if I'm doing a pitch, maybe to a VC or somebody to support my cause, I might do one version of the pitch where I use problem, solution, benefit. And then I might do another version of the very same pitch with opportunity, solution, benefit. And I'm going to ask the people I'm talking to, what resonated? What didn't? What can I change? And by testing it, kicking the tires on these different approaches, that's how you see how it works. And then as you do that, and the more you do it, the more automatic it becomes. Would you say that the way we speak and the words we use shapes our future? Oh, absolutely, 100%. It not only shapes our future, it shapes our thoughts, right? Our words shape our thoughts, our thoughts shape our actions, our actions shape the future. So absolutely. Yeah, and it's really important to do. You know, there are a lot of case studies on around the issues of the environment and climate change and what the language we use can shape action. So I'll give you an example. I don't remember all the specifics of the study and you might know it better than I. They looked at trying to get people to change their behaviors around something environmental, saving energy, reducing how much you run your air conditioner or heater. And they presented a lot of facts and statistics. You know, when you do this, this much carbon is released, this stuff, a lot of statistics. And then that wasn't very effective. And then what they did is they showed a picture of a polar bear on a little patch of ice, clearly that had broken off from a bigger iceberg. And that image and the language that went with that ad was much more effective. Now, there are lots of reasons for that, but that's an exact example of how language, imagery, communication can affect us differently and affect our actions in the future. So yes, 100% has direct impact and important impact on how the world is and how we are in the world.

Wonderful. That brings me to our Mindstate moment that I want to do. It's just a short reflective exercise that our listeners and we can engage in that helps us to connect with ourselves, to process, and to maybe imagine a better future for ourselves as well.

Next, let's take a moment to pause and reconnect. This is your mind state moment, a chance to reset and come back to yourself, wherever you are right now. These moments of presence are powerful. They remind us that the future starts from within.

By shifting how we show up in this very So let's pause for a moment because I believe the future just doesn't come at us, right? It comes through us, through our thoughts, through our choices, and what we learned today, our words. So I want you to just maybe find a different posture for a moment wherever you are. If you are walking, maybe pause for a moment. If you are In the car, maybe just get your shoulders back. So just trying to change your posture for a moment. And I want you to take a deep breath in. And breathing out. And if you can, take one more. And breathing out. And now imagine this. You're about to step into a conversation that really matters. It might be a pitch. A heartfelt dialogue, a conversation with a team, a friend, or maybe a future partner. It could even be with yourself. In this moment, the future is uncertain but alive with potential. You feel the tension of wanting to say the right thing. You want to make it perfect, but also the pull to speak something real. And now if you can, maybe just close your eyes for a moment, or maybe soften your gaze, and picture your future self stepping into that scene. Not the rushed, worried version of you, but the version that's ready, that's calm, that's courageous, that's centered and curious. And ask yourself, what does this version of you say first? What are the first few words that open up connection? That invite a possibility? That create a future worth moving toward? So take a moment and let those words come to you. Maybe it's 3 questions that you want to ask. Maybe it's acknowledging the person you're speaking with. And maybe say them out loud, say those words out loud, or maybe silently in your mind. This is your future speaking. And you didn't need a script. You just needed to listen. To trust that when you're present, your words can create presence for others too. And maybe today you don't need to rehearse your next meeting Maybe you just need to rehearse showing up as who you already are becoming. So let that future speak and carry it with you into whatever conversation comes next.

Taking one more breath in and breathing out. I really love that. I love the idea of the future of who you are becoming and the fact that listening and slowing down are your inputs or initial steps into that. A lot of us start talking before we think and reflect, and I really like what you said.

Thank you for that. Thank you. So selfishly, I want to get advice from you too. So I'm on various stages recently, and whenever I step on a stage, I'm nervous. I want to get it right, whatever I want to say, but also I want to connect with the audience. I want to create an experience for people that really helps them to feel a sense of clarity. They feel also a sense of calmness, but also that they want to move towards a future that they're envisioning. And I usually have a ritual that I do right before going on stage. I mostly, when I can, I eat a banana and just kind of like peeling that. And also it's nutritious and gives you a little bit of energy. And the second thing I do is I make myself like a matcha bowl or matcha tea, right? Mostly with cold water because there's no hot water usually around. But just that couple of seconds focusing on preparing that matcha or peeling that banana helps me to calm down and get centered and focused. What are some other techniques that you find helpful when not just going on a stage, but going into important conversations that you're usually nervous for or nervous about?

So I'm happy to share that. But first, I just want to congratulate you and point out to everybody listening and watching that what you've created for yourself is what I call an anxiety management plan, an AMP. Because anxiety can actually amp you up and help you. In fact, anxiety is a sign that what you're doing is important and that you care. And we have to remember that. So I love that you have it. I think getting some nourishment is really important, helps you. Many of us get so tense we forget to eat or drink before. So I love that you're doing that and you're preparing yourself in that moment and having a ritual can be very helpful. First, we have to recognize that anxiety looms large in all communication, planned or spontaneous. Those of us who study it believe it is innate to being human. We see it across all cultures and we see it develop around the same time in people across those cultures. Now, just because it's innate doesn't mean that we can't manage it. And when it comes to managing anxiety, you have to manage both symptoms and sources. Symptoms are what you feel. Sources are the initiators of it. We've already talked about a major source of anxiety, the desire for perfection, to do it right. When we focus on connection, not perfection, we reduce our anxiety. Another source of anxiety is the goal we're trying to achieve. My students want to get a good grade. The entrepreneurs I coach want to get funding. You might want your speech to go really well or to get support for some idea you have. So what's making us nervous is a potential negative future outcome. What's making me nervous is what I'm afraid could go wrong or could happen. So the way we short-circuit that is by becoming present-oriented. And there are lots of ways to be in the present. The activity you just walked us through is a great present-orientation activity. So too is listening to a song or a playlist or doing something physical or saying a tongue twister. Lots of ways to get present-oriented. Now, physical symptoms, and these vary. For me, I turn red and I perspire. Other people shake. Some people breathe shallow. Some people feel their hearts pounding. There are things you can do to mitigate those. Perhaps the most ubiquitous thing you could do that helps across symptoms is deep breathing. A deep belly breath. The very first thing you had us do in the activity was to take a deep breath, and that's how you ended the activity. Taking that deep breath slows us down, slows down our autonomic nervous system. Interestingly, it is the exhale that is more important than the inhale. The magic happens on the exhale. So I like to joke the rule of thumb or the rule of lung is your exhale should be twice as long as your inhale, and that makes a big difference. So there are many, many things people can do. And I encourage everybody to create, as you have, an anxiety management plan, something you invoke when you are in a situation where anxiety is heavy around communication.

So congrats on having that. Thank you. Yes, Matt, this has been fascinating. I was so much looking forward to our conversation. As was I. You helped so many people to, I think, find more confidence in communications.

Well, thank you. That's the goal. I want people to feel more confidence. And be able to then share their points of view. I think the world is better off when we hear multiple voices speaking.

Yes. What would be something that you wish that our listeners are doing maybe differently moving forward when they communicate? What's the thing that they should be aware of or look out for when communicating to reduce that anxiety you talked about?

Yeah, so I would certainly like people to work to manage their anxiety, to become more confident. You know, the only way you get better at communication is 3 things: repetition, reflection, and feedback. It's true of any skill you're trying to learn. So first, you have to practice. And I'd love all your listeners to find avenues for practice. Maybe it's taking a class. Maybe it's finding trusted others. Maybe it's interacting with an AI. AI can help you if you have a Q&A coming up or an interview, have AI spit out questions for you. Joining Toastmasters, an international organization. So find avenues to practice. Communication is something you have to do. You can't think your way to better communication. You have to do your way through it. Second, reflect. We have to take time to reflect on what worked and what didn't. Otherwise, what's that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's how many of us communicate. At the end of every day, I take 1 minute and I write down something that went really well in my communication that day, and it's something I'd like to work on or strengthen. And then every Sunday, I spend 5 minutes going back over what I wrote down during the week, and I make a plan for how I'm going to try to reinforce the things that have gone well and what are some things I might do to change some of the things I wanted to improve. That type of reflection or any type of reflection, just even journaling about it or talking to somebody about it, Very, very helpful. And then finally, feedback. We are not the best judges of our own communication. We need to get feedback from trusted others. Find a friend, a colleague, a partner who can give you some insight in a way that's meaningful and actionable. So I wish for all of your listeners that they take the time to do some repetition, reflection, and feedback, ultimately to help them continue on the path of honing communication skills, which, by the way, is I don't think any of us ever arrive at that destination of great communicator. But I think we can all move up that mountain through the work I just discussed.

Absolutely. Which brings us back to the beginning, actually. You shared your future vision of yourself in the future bio and how you want to be in the future and what your legacy could be as well. So What about communicating with ourselves? Like, you know, self-talk. What's something we can do better when we speak with ourselves, to ourselves?

What's something we can change there? Yes, so we say a lot to ourselves, and a lot of it tends to be negative, especially when it comes around to communication and anxiety. We'll say a lot of negative things. I'm not prepared. I'm not good enough. I'm an imposter. That person did so much better than I'm going to do. So again, it starts with noticing. You have to hear the chatter and then you have to do something about it. And what I have found, and there's some research to suggest this is true, that rather than engaging it and getting upset with yourself for having it, just replace it using a positive affirmation, a mantra, whatever you want to call it, can really help. So I say something to myself before I ever speak. I did it before I joined you today. I do it before I teach, before I keynote, before I start a podcast that I host. I will always start with, I have value to bring. I'm not saying I'm the best communicator ever. I know that's not true. But I think to myself, there's some value in what I'm doing. When I teach, students have chosen to be in my class. When I keynote, somebody has thought I would be good for the audience I'm speaking in front of. And I just have to remind myself, myself that there's some value in what I am saying. And in so doing, it cancels out some of the negative noise of that self-talk. So we first have to be aware of what we're saying. And then second, try to find something. And again, it doesn't have to be way out there. It can just be something very simple. I've got this. I'm prepared. I have value to bring. And use that to cancel out some of that negative self-talk.

Talk. If you would complete that sentence, the future will belong to those who— how would you complete that?

The future will belong to those who— the future will belong to those who communicate clearly both with themselves and others.

Wonderful. I think that summarizes it perfectly. Think faster, talk Smarter, Matt Abraham's wonderful book. I highly recommend it if you want to become more confident in your communications, because I think how we speak, one word, one story, one act of presence at a time, really shapes our future. And we speak our future into being. I think that's something that we've learned today. So thank you so much, Matt, for joining us. If you want to help others to become better at communicating, please feel free to share this episode or point towards Matt's wonderful work in his podcast and also his book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter. Matt, thank you so much. And this is The Future Is How. Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you. That's a wrap for today. Episode of The Future Is How. Remember, the future isn't something we wait for. It's something we create with every choice, every breath, and every step we take. If this episode sparked something in you, share it with someone who's ready to shape what's next. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. Your next chapter begins now. So what will you create today? I'll see you in your future.