EP. 66 (QUICK WIN): How to Get Your Teen to Listen to You — A Real Plan That Works

That plant, yes, I know it definitely needs to be watered. Thank goodness I took care of it. I am a plant lady in my off time. And Fernando is sad. Fernando's kind of like the running name I have for our little plants in the house, but he's pretty sad. He thinks I don't love him, but I do. So real quick before I get into today's episode, if you've been wanting real structured, tell me what to do, Ashley, 30-day plan to solve one of the greatest challenges you have with your teen. Let's imagine that their grades or homework are slipping through. You're feeling like a nag trying to get them to finish their homework. And you're like, they're 16 years old. Can't they do this on their own? If you're watching them struggle to belong with their social circle, whether in extracurriculars, in their sports teams, at school, in their classes, if you're watching the same dynamic play out at home, with relationships between either your partner or you and them, and there's a lot of yelling and you don't know how to stop it, I wanna invite you to join Confident Connected: The Blueprint, where you walk away with a real 30-day plan to solve your greatest challenge. We focus on relationships, we focus on skill building, and we focus on a step-by-step plan that you're gonna carry with you into the next 30 days. It's not a course you watch alone. It is real support and coaching from me and a tangible plan for you and your family. So make sure to click the link in the show notes and check it out. It's incredible.

Hey, I'm Ashley Chandler, The Teenage Guide, and for nearly 2 decades I've worked inside middle schools and high schools and with college-age students And family living rooms, helping hundreds of families go from daily conflict and closed doors to real connection with their teenager. I speak parent and I speak teen, and I create a bridge between you that a lot of other methods can't and won't. If you're navigating adolescence in your home and a version of yourself you're still becoming, You're exactly where you need to be. Let's reimagine the teenage years with science and soul at the forefront. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast.

All right, let's get into today's episode. I'm going to walk you through a little experiment right now, okay? No matter what you're doing, even if you're driving, you can do this. So for a brief minute, I want you to look around your space. And this is an exercise that I walk all my clients through. Okay? Look around your space. Notice what you see. Every single thing in your environment right now, aside from the beautiful nature that is created by our incredible, miraculous planet, aside from nature, Everything that you see was once an idea. Prove me wrong. Everything that you can see right now was once an idea by a human being. When you work with me, what you get is a snapshot of the universal laws at work and what manifestation really, really is, which is you have an idea, You support it with belief. You practice the skills and the relationships to be able to make that dream, that idea real. It shows up in the 3D world. This is what we're living in. So another way to think about that is that everything that you can see right now is actually a reflection of the past. Everything that you can see right now is a reflection of the past. Even the headlines, even the leaders that we choose, the grades that we can see in our kids' portal at school, a reflection of the past. Past beliefs about themselves, past habits, the relationships they do or they do not have, and the skills that they do or they do not have. So in today's episode, I want to give you a very quick win that you can take with you into life, into real life, not like the Pinterest life or the Facebook or Instagram life that we post kind of the highlight reel, but the real nitty-gritty life that you are living right now as you are running errands, as you are trying to get that proposal finished, as you are sifting through your bajillion emails as you are trying to figure out what you're having for dinner or start to plan it. And then your kid walks in and they have a breakdown around school, or they can't figure out what they're going to wear to homecoming. That real life, the real life of them not getting invited to go with their friends to homecoming, the real life of them totally breaking down because they are very, very stressed and everything you're doing is just making it worse.

You're trying.

If only they would listen to you. That real life. That's what I'm talking about. So how do we take the principles, the universal laws of manifestation, of being able to live in the reality that we actually want? How do we do that and make it real, make it tangible with our real life? That's what today's episode is all about. Someone had an idea. They believed it was possible. They were able to push through even when they had self-doubt. Everyone has self-doubt. Everyone. How do we push through it? They had to have certain relationships and collaborative relationships to be able to make real what they're experiencing, what you're witnessing right now. They didn't do it in isolation. And they had to have certain skills, right? They had to be able to sketch. They had to be able to plan. They had to be able to communicate. They had to be able to manage their time. They had to be able to pick up the phone and make some phone calls. These are skills, right? I would argue most things are a skill. We have to be intentional about practicing them and building them if we want to make our dreams come true. And then over time, what happens after they're practicing and building them, the idea shows up. It's inevitable. This is the way that the universal laws work. It shows up over repetition, consistency, practice, and commitment. Your challenge with your teen right now, it's the same thing. It came through a series of beliefs, patterns, relationship dynamics, and skills, Or the absence of them, which means this is the coolest part about behavior change and recognizing all the information and research that we have now about neuroscience and how we can change the way we think and believe. Geez Louise, I, for one, am proof of that because the Ashley that existed 30 years ago, did not have the experiences or the beliefs that I have today. I didn't know these things. I was believing in myself to a certain degree, but I wasn't believing fully in the way that I am now. And that is also evidence of what's possible for you and what's possible for your teen with specific patterns, beliefs, and skills. Who they are right now, how you are right now, the dynamic that you're facing right now, the challenge that you're in right now is not proof that that's how it's gonna be for you in the future. You get to lay a new blueprint and foundation for your future right here, right now. So apply that beginning exercise to you right now. I want you to think about something that you're experiencing, let's say with your work or with managing the house or with managing life, being the captain of the ship, as I like to say. All right? Think about something that you're facing right now, and then let's practice reverse engineering it. What actions have been taken? Just start there. What actions have been taken to get you to this place? Where did you have to focus your time and your energy? What did you have to prioritize? What did you have to say no to, say yes to, to be able to make that happen? Who did you work with on that? Or who did you not work with? And underneath those actions are beliefs, 100% of the time, whether we are aware that we're having them or not. And they are running the show. Think about the people who supported you or who didn't support you that got you to where you are in this moment right here, right now, in that specific example that we were talking about just a moment ago, who was on your team to be able to make that happen? I'm not just talking about like your team at work. I'm talking about who are your people that helped you and not when things were always good, but who could you work with when things were not great? Who could you depend on? Who could you call at 2 in the morning and ask for help? And everything that you are experiencing right now, it's required Skills, things you practice and learned and committed to over time. You didn't start off on the journey being like, I have to master this in the next 2 hours. No, it was a commitment and a dedication and repetition. Sometimes it's boring, but you stuck with it. Or you didn't. And that's what's showing up right now. So now let's focus on the teen. Let's do this reverse engineering exercise with your teenager. And if possible, it'd be awesome if they could listen to this too. If they can't, you're gonna have it cemented in your mind. What is the challenge they're facing right now? Maybe it's not dire straits at your house, but maybe it's just like, man, I'm having to remind them like 42 times to do XYZ for school. And that gets really old.

Yeah.

Maybe it's they don't belong. They don't feel like they belong with anyone. Maybe it's simple logistical thing and they don't know how to problem solve. If only they would listen to you and your brilliant wisdom, right? So, you know, what actions are they taking or not taking? And are they listening to you for help or no? And underneath that, what beliefs are running the show? My mom is such a nag. My dad just tries to boss me around. He doesn't even care about me. Like, what beliefs are underneath their resistance for themselves or for you? Everything's not working out for me. And how do you start to show up differently to be able to shape their beliefs, influence their actions and behavior, and build skills to solve the challenge? Because the challenge that you're facing right now, it's not an accident. The challenge that you or they're facing right now, it's not an accident. It's a pattern rooted in relationships and skills, and then the role that you play, the influence that you have. And it's solvable. It's fixable. It's buildable when you work it in the right order. The plan works if you work it. Everything we want over here starts with an idea, right? So here's your quick win. Take that challenge. Recognize that if you reverse engineer it from delayed manifestation, right? If we fast forward 30 to 60 to 90 days, and wouldn't it be great if whatever the desire is that you want, I want you to start to see the shift in perspective right now, how critically important it is to see that what you experience a month, 2 months, 3 months from now is not an accident. They're starting to say that you can predict Alzheimer's diagnosis in 70s and 80s. You can start to see it take shape in your 40s. The same is true for things that aren't so heavy, but for everyday life. And we have become accustomed to being robots in life. To kind of letting life happen to us, to us being at the beck and call of other people and their to-do list. This is how you get your power back. You start to make a decision to cut ties with requests and demands and energy sucks and leaks and people who are vampires of your time and energy. And you start to get really clear. Oh, I'm giving my power away, and so is my team. So your quick win for today is that aha, that shift in perspective. Walk through your day and start to realize, oh my gosh, everything is relationships and skills. Ashley is right. She's like a genius or something. I like to throw in the word genius whenever I can. This microphone right here, someone had the idea to construct this, and then they had to work with people to design it and build skills around it. And then there was a whole marketing team that marketed it on Amazon so then I could buy it. And here's the direct result of that. The quick win now is to look At every challenge you're facing and start to see the power in that. There is so much freedom and power. There is no information shortage out there right now. You are inundated with information, which is amazing. Great. I love it. And then what do you do with it? You simplify it into relationships and skills, and you realize that when you have a plan, The plan works 30 days, 60 days, 90 days from now. And you become the teenage guide inside your own home to be able to influence the outcome that you're experiencing. The holidays, when I'm recording this, it's 90 days from the holidays or something. I don't know the exact timing. The holidays may just be the best holidays that you've ever experienced, not because they're perfect and you can post them to Pinterest, but because you're actually getting to the root and solving whatever is a thorn for you or your team right now. You can trust that the plan that you have is working because it is, and you're living it. So on that note, use this as motivation. If this resonates with you, You don't wanna miss Confident and Connected: The Blueprint, where I walk you through day 1 essential relationship skills and tools that you must have as the parent if you wanna have this kind of influence in your teen and the challenges that they face. Day 2 is all about skill building and the essential formula for skill building using my system for And day 3 is where we put it all together into your 30-day plan. You walk away with tangible actions and to-dos to be able to follow and implement for even the most resistant teens or partners. This works when you have a plan and you work it, it works. So I invite you to join me, click the link in the show notes. You can also go to theteenageguide.com/30. Blueprint to sign up today. There is the opportunity to join me for a VIP session. You can learn all about those details in the show notes. And remember, you're not behind, you're right on time, and never underestimate the power that you have as the parent. I'll see you next week.