EP. 68: When Your Teen Is Stuck and You Can See the Solution (But They Won’t Listen)

Hey, I'm Ashley Chandler, The Teenage Guide, and for nearly 2 decades I've worked inside middle schools and high schools and with college-age students and family living rooms, helping hundreds of families go from daily conflict and closed doors to real connection with their teenager. I speak parent and I speak teen, and I create a bridge between you that a lot of other methods can't and won't. If you're navigating adolescence in your home, and a version of yourself you're still becoming, you're exactly where you need to be. Let's reimagine the teenage years with science and soul at the forefront. This is The Teenage Guide Podcast. Welcome back to The Teenage Guide Podcast. I am Ashley Chandler, your host and founder of The Teenage Guide. There have been several things that have happened this week, and I'm very good at pattern recognition, and I love being able to look at some of the things that can happen to us in our lives and start to put the pieces together and draw meaning from that. The theme that keeps showing up is rooted in what my deepest intention is in this work, which is we are not just raising teenagers. We're not just helping them get a good grade in bio. We're not just ensuring that they get into the best college or that they are associated with the right friends. We are guiding and elevating our future leaders, our future policymakers, the humans that are going to be able to take the very real tipping point that we're all experiencing on a collective level of humanity right now. We're experiencing the intensity of what it means to be alive at this particular time. in human history. And our teenagers right now are the people who will inherit a lot of the results of what we're experiencing right now. And then they are the people who then become the parents to raise the future generations, who then write the policies, who get certain laws in place, who become the new influencers, the people with a platform who have voices that then impact that society. So I don't take this work lightly in the sense that really it's my contribution to be a voice for the future of humanity, for elevating this next generation, and to be part of the solution to create a more just, integrous, inclusive, joyful, compassionate world. So I share all that with context because that's kind of heavy, right? But it's true. It's just true. I like to tell teens, I don't really give a shit about your grades. And they're kind of relieved when they hear that because it's true. I don't really give a shit about kids' grades. I give a shit about them. I care about them. And when we care about ourselves and each other as human beings, inevitably good grades or the right friends, which I call soul friends, or, you know, the other things, the external things are a natural byproduct of caring about ourselves, of caring about each other. And that is what this work is rooted in. And I thought I would give a little bit of an insight into what I call my system framework. Now, if you've listened to me before, you know that, and if you haven't, I'm going to review this. Every challenge that we face as parents, I believe, comes down to 2 things. And I think parents, we're inundated with so much information out there and more things being added to your to-do list and more gadgets that you need in order to quote unquote simplify. I get it. There's a lot of stuff that goes on in my life where I just feel quote unquote behind, but I don't really feel behind. I just think like, eh, will that make my life better? You know, I'm always evaluating. And so I'm on a mission in everything that I share to keep it simple. You don't need more information. You need to know how to apply this wisdom and these teachings and these tools. You need to know how to apply it to your real life. So every challenge you face, remember this, comes down to 2 things: relationships and skills. And so a snapshot into skill building, I would argue most things are a skill. Our self-awareness is a skill. Our ability to de-stress ourselves and self-regulate is a skill. Our ability to pay attention to that inner voice and ensure that The experience that we're having is in line with what we're believing is a skill. Our ability to manage time and manage priorities and have conversations with people and look them in the eye and pick up the phone and all these things, they're all skills, right? And we can start to look at any challenge that we face, and you've heard me talk about this in previous episodes, but it's worth repeating. You can look at any challenge through the lens of relationships and skills. And I'll give you an example of this. So a personal example. Yesterday, we're going through something in our house with my own kids. And again, I'm the mom of a tween and a teen. So I live this on a very visceral level. Everything that I preach, I practice. Let's put it that way. So yesterday, and in the last few weeks, we've been going through something with one of my kids and If you know me, you'll know which one it is after I share the story. So they're deciding between sports and they're embarking on a new sports journey. And it is in their nature, like they were born competitive and athletic, just super physical. It's one of their intelligences that they're very gifted at is being very athletic and physical, which is so fun to see. And so What we're faced with right now is at what level do we want them to be a competitor? And there's a lot of societal pressure, especially where we live, to, you know, always be the best, always be competing, always be trying to be on the club team or whatever that is. And it's neither good nor bad. It all depends on the person. I think it starts to become bad if you're forcing someone who doesn't love competition to be in that. But I do think that there are some positives and negatives, just like everything. And so this said child of mine went to— they're testing out different practices and different tryouts, and they went to a practice this week and it was really competitive. And they came home and they were like, oh my gosh, it's like they're going to go into the NBA. And immediately started thinking in black and white thinking. Like, I just realized I'm never going to the NBA and I don't want to do it. I don't want to be in there. And so I'm talking to my husband about it and he's expressing frustration because he wants said child to have a more positive mindset and to go into it and think like, oh wow, I have a lot to learn. I can grow a lot. I can do this XYZ, you know? And the reality is, is that our athletic competitive kid shut down. They just shut down at that practice. They just felt, even though he was there for a little bit, my husband was there observing and it wasn't like cutthroat. All of it was cutthroat. It was just that he could feel the gap between where he was, where he thought he was, and then the reality of being in this very intense, super highly competitive sport. Where these kids have been playing for 7, 8 years and he's been figuring out his sport. He's been trying different sports and really good at other ones. And this happens a lot in parenting where we can see the solution. We want something for our kid. We want them to have the mindset of, look at how much I can learn, and wow, I have a lot to grow on. I'm going to double down. I'm going to be a competitor. I'm going to practice. And the reality is, is that they're not there. They might have black and white thinking. They may have ultra resistance and, no, I'm not gonna do that. And for us parents, it's natural that we feel frustrated. It's natural that we feel like defeated or like we're failing or letting them down or they're doomed. That is a very natural response. And so in the work that I do with parents every day, I walk you through How to make sense of that, how to approach your teen in order to get the best response out of them, how to communicate with them in a way and work with them in a way that enables them to build those skills, right? So if we start looking at said child through the lens of skill building, what skills does he need to build? Well, I have my system framework and my system framework is 6 categories of skill building. So this starts to help narrow down, and sometimes people do really well with frameworks. I know I do, because it helps you not to put everything in a box, but it helps you start to use categories of skill-building to identify where you want to focus for the challenge. And I just taught this in my Confident and Connected Blueprint. And again, this is something that you get when you work with me. So there's 6 categories. I'm going to walk through them in the SYSTEM method. And SYSTEM is an acronym. That stands for S. The first S is Soul Support. When I talk about Soul Support, it is developing a toolkit that supports the essence, the truth of who you really are. It has nothing to do with religion or dogma or control or judgment, any particular scripture, nothing. It is about being attuned to the invaluable, infinite, inherently worthy part of you that has nothing to do with your achievements, the sport you play, what car your parents drive, how much money's in their bank account. Nothing to do with any of that. Nothing to do with your appearance. And so many of us are lacking the skill of supporting our souls. Yeah. We're very disconnected from it in today's society. Y in the System Method is your most precious organ. It's your brain. So most people are not taking care of their brains in a way that actually supports their mental, physical, spiritual, emotional health. They don't think of it in that way. And so being able to have the skill of practicing taking care of your brain is another layer of skills. The next S in System Method is see your mind, and this is mindset work. And I think by now, you know what mindset is. It's being the master of your own mind, being aware of what you're believing in the moment and observing it without judgment, being curious. Huh, interesting. I was listening to a talk by Eckhart Tolle today on my walk with my dogs, and It was so good. I'll link it in the show notes. It was so— he's so funny. He was giving an example of that mental chatter that all of us have and how our expectations, even subconscious expectations, get in the way of us enjoying whatever is happening in the present moment. He's all about the present moment. So he gives the example of how you're in line at the grocery store and Then the mental chatter starts to take way and it's like, oh my gosh, this cashier is so slow and I'm never coming back to the store again. They're so inefficient. This person has, you know, 37 coupons. They're not scanning correctly, right? And making jokes about it. And it was so funny because it's so true how our minds are always running constantly on a loop in the background. So we've got S-Y-S-T is Talking Body. These are somatic tools, skills, using our body to move stress, to get energy, to be attuned to our body in a way that supports us mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and then how we can actually use our body in ways to generate a different response within us and then practice working towards whatever it is that we are working towards, whether that be to have better focus and attention or or any other skills that we're building. So there are very real somatic tools and we need to activate our bodies. Some of us are just too stagnant and it can support us in very, very real ways in order to have the experience that we wanna be having. All right. E in System Method is executive function skill building. And I've talked about this before, but executive function skills are really simple. The definition I love the most for parents and teens Is they're the set of skills that enable you to become a leader in your own life. I just talked about this in my previous episode, Executive Function 101. If you're curious, I'll link it in the show notes. It's the episode right before this. So these are skills that enable us to be the boss of our own lives so that everyone is a leader, everyone has impact. It's the ability to manage our emotions, manage our energy, manage our time, our priorities, Our goals, all of that is executive function skill building. Our attention, our focus, start a thing even if we don't wanna start it, finish the thing even if we don't wanna finish it, right? So that's a set of skills. And then finally in system, in M, it's managing relationships. And being a human being means that you are in relationship with other human beings, period. You must understand your role in the relationship. And that starts with your own awareness, your own compassion, your communication skills, your listening skills, your ability to give and receive feedback, your ability to be curious, nonjudgmental, right? There's a set of skills that we need when we're managing relationships. So there's the System Method. Again, I will Link it in the show notes so you get a snapshot of how I work with clients and how we go through these to help you build specific skills that help you get to where you wanna go, solve challenges, and more. So going back to said child in this challenge with my husband having this conflicting experience, what's the next step? Like, you know, there's a real gap between how we would love for him to feel There's a gap between where they are right now and where they want to go and the reality of where they are right now. And to me, it helps diffuse emotion around it. It's not like I'm completely non-emotional. I'm one of the most sensitive people I know. So it's not that. It's just, it helps me not get trapped in the role that fear can often play in a parent's life in making these decisions in how we approach our kids. And so when I look at it through the lens of the System Method, it's so clear to me that they are in the exact right place that they need to be in order to build specific skills. It's just so clear to me. And on a soul level, I believe that life and the universe is always working out for us. 100% of the time. And that there's always wisdom to be gained from where we are. And, you know, the phrase, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. We can use that metaphor for the experiences that we have in life as parents and as teens. And so when we're ready, the environment, the experience, or the lesson will appear. And I think that my kid is ready to go to the next level. And through this experience, what they're faced with is the opportunity and the awareness that there needs to be intentional skill building. We need to practice perspective taking. We need to practice building some resilience. We need to practice what it means to be a true competitor, true athlete. Where we don't give up and we don't make the current moment mean something bad about us long-term. We need to practice self-advocacy and seeking out support and some communication skills. So there's, you know, probably 5 to 10 skills that it's clear that we are going to have some intentional focus on, maybe not all at the same time. I think perspective-taking is in there, definitely communication. And definitely resilience. And their immediate reaction was, well, I just already know I'm not gonna be in the NBA. And I had to chuckle on the inside 'cause I think like, okay. And my immediate reaction was, let's not limit ourselves. That's what I said. Let's not limit ourselves and already decide something, although you haven't experienced it yet, and trying to provide that perspective. And that was my initial reaction. It also was full of listening and validating. Yeah, that must've been intense. And, hmm, interesting perspective. I don't see it that way. But this is the foundation of where we start and starting to have the approach that what's happening is actually happening for them. It's not happening to them. They are not a victim. They are not behind. They haven't missed out on anything. It's perfect timing to be able to take whatever it is that they want, and now this applies to you, what you want, to the next level. So where can you look in your life right now with your teen and consider the challenge that you're facing? And use the system method. What skills need to be built? How is the circumstance that you're facing right now actually perfectly timed to be able to be the exact environmental container that is needed to have a better relationship with yourselves, A better relationship with each other, and to build skills that enable you to be the best you can be. And before I sign off, I want to tell you about this. I have a few different ways that you can work with me. And one of my most popular containers right now is what is called the Fall Sprint. It is 6 coaching sessions with me that you can customize for you and your team. That you use within the next few months. And the results coming out of my Fall Sprint clients right now are incredible. In just 6 weeks, I will put testimonials in the show notes, but I have people telling me, in just the first few weeks, my kid is doing better in school than they did all last year. In just a few weeks, I see a noticeable difference in our relationship. In just a few weeks— They genuinely look forward to being with you. And they're opening up to me in different ways. So this is your invitation. Get in while you can. It's the fall sprint. You can go to theteenageguide.com/workwithashley. You can see the link to join me. I only have a few spots left for this fall. My time gets booked up really quickly. And just to give you context, I had 3 people sign up just yesterday. So join while you can. You're going to see results. If you are ready for real change in your relationship with your teen, for your teen and in how they're doing at school or with friends, you don't wanna miss out on this opportunity to work with me in this short-form container, no long-term commitment for real impact and real results. Imagine that the holidays hit, which it's about to be holiday season and we're gonna be consumed, but imagine going into that final season of this calendar year and feeling so at peace and confident and happy that this part of your life, your personal life, your parenting life, and your kids' life is getting the support that it needs and it deserves. So be sure to check it out. I am so grateful to do what I do, and I wish you all the best in the week ahead. Remember, you're not behind, you're not too late, and never underestimate the power that you have. as the parent. I'll see you next week.