When one partner pursues self-improvement and the other doesn't, the real problem might be you. Speaker B realized she was trying to drag her husband into workshops because of her own codependence, not his need to change. The alternative: keep doing your own work and appreciate what your partner actually brings to the relationship.
if someone's listening and they're like, I'm doing the work, I listen to the podcast, I'm growing as an individual, and my spouse is not. How does somebody approach it from that perspective?
Well, that was me in my first marriage. That was exactly what I was saying. There's a couple options. And it really depends on what you truly desire, and how much ownership you're willing to take. So it was really easy for me in my first marriage to look at my husband and go, if only he And I dragged him to every workshop I could drag him to. I put every book in front of him. And what I didn't actually realize, it was actually an expression of my codependence. I hadn't healed yet. I was trying to change someone else to make me feel better.
The other option is you continue to do your inner work, you continue to open up to your own life and your own self, and you realize that, oh, that person doesn't need to actually be on this part of the journey with me. We don't need to value growth in this way because that person gives me so much in every other area of life that I value that so much that I actually want to be in this relationship. They're attentive, they listen, they want to hear me if I have an issue or a challenge. They want to be in it with me. They may not be doing the work per se, but that is another version of the work. And so you recognize things differently when you start opening yourself up as well.
But if you're focusing so much on how you want someone else to change, you're going to drive them away.
