#11: Staying Real In Reality Television with Kaitlyn Bristowe

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Each week. When you join me here, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Come on this journey with me. Hi and welcome back back to Creating Confidence. I'm so glad you're here with me. I appreciate you so much. I have a major announcement this week. I'm so excited to share that I finally landed my first TEDx talk, and it's such a big deal. It's one of those things that as a speaker, as an entrepreneur, it's one of those boxes I really wanted to check. You know, we all have these different goals in our mind, you know, big picture things that we're going after. The TEDx talk, to me, was one of those things that it was out there, I wanted it and I really worked hard to get it. So let me tell you what I did that worked and didn't work so that hopefully you can glean some insights from it. But for this has been a goal of mine probably for a year and a half, I would say. Ever since I wrote my book, I really, I knew that getting a TEDx stage could really help spread my message. And I just attacked it the same way that I attack everything, which is sheer volume, right? Just sending out as many pitches as possible. This was not the right approach. And the way that I did it was I set a Google Alert, which, whenever I'm going after something, I always, if I have a target in mind, I put a Google Alert on it so that I can find out what's going on, I can find out about opportunities. And, and so I set the Google alert and I just kept sending the same pitch to probably 100 different TEDx locations. And what I talked about in my pitch was me. I talked about how I'm a great speaker, I talked about all the stages I've taken. Me, me, me, me, me. Yeah, not the right approach. So unfortunately, I wasted a lot of time sending out all, all of these pitches all over the country and getting turned down every single time. I didn't know why I was getting turned down. And I didn't really get any insight into it until. Until I actually asked someone who knew what they were doing. So when my book first came out, I was contacted on LinkedIn by this woman. Her name's Cindy, and she's amazing. And she had read my book and really liked it.

She.

She wanted to come see me speak. And she came to Miami to one of my speaking Engagements. She stayed after with me, was so kind, so supportive of me, and just an amazing woman. And my experience in business has not been positive around some women. They've been really catty and negative to me. So meeting this woman and hearing how much she wanted to help me and support me in my new initiative as an entrepreneur and a speaker was amazing. So she had experience in the TEDx world. And I told her, I shared with her that I really wanted to get a TED Talk. And she said, well, Heather, it's not going to be hard for you. You've got a great message, you've got great ideas, you'll definitely get it done. However, I didn't really ask for her guidance at that time and that was where I had a misstep. So along this way I've sent out all these pitches I wasn't getting anywhere. And I thought to myself one day, hey, I should reach back out to that woman, Cindy. So I sent her a Note either on LinkedIn or on email, I don't remember right now, and she responded to me and basically said, oh, you've been getting NO's on your TEDx pitches. I'm really surprised, Heather. I thought you would have landed one by now because I hadn't seen her in maybe almost a year. So she said, send me what you're sending out so I can take a look at it. And I did. And she called me right away and said, hey, this is not how you get a TedX talk. It's all about you. And talking about you as a speaker, that's not what TEDx is about. So she sent me to a website and she said, watch these videos and there's actually two TEDx talks or TED Talks about how to get a TED Talk. And so it was. The information, as always, was readily available. I just hadn't figured it out or found that those videos and the videos really showed you what the TED is about. It's about the idea worth spreading. And that was something she really made me crystal clear about. It's not about me, it's not about the speaker, quote unquote. No one cared about what stages I had spoken on. It was about aligning my big idea that was worth spreading, which that's the whole TED concept with what the local theme was in these different locations. So when I was just blindly sending out these pitches, they didn't align with the themes, the local themes. I wasn't taking what was important to them into consideration. And then I was just talking about me as a speaker. So it was A complete. It didn't fit at all. The pitch was wrong. So I realigned my pitch. I made it all about the idea. And at TEDx Boca Raton, which is happening October 26th, and I can't. I'm so excited to. To get on that stage and share my idea. The concept was all about rethinking relationships. That was their theme. So I had to come up with my big idea that's worth spreading and then align it with rethinking relationships. So when I took my time and effort and initiative around what was important to them and their stage and their concepts, then I was able to land my TEDx talk. So in a big, roundabout way, I was reminded that it's not about me. It's about what's important to the people that are involved in whatever initiative, company, or goal it is that you have that you're targeting. It isn't about me, it's about them. And the more that we approach things that way, the more opportunity we'll have to achieve our goals and reach our targets when we make it about them. So I was reminded of that great lesson and actually sort of ironic. I had an opportunity a week ago for a big brand had reached out to me and they wanted to do, or they were, I guess, interviewing me to see if I was a good fit to represent their brand and do a video shoot for a substantial amount of money. And I did not prepare for the call because I just basically thought, you know, I'm going to show up as me, and I've got tons of experience doing this. I've represented and partnered with plan plenty of brands. It'll be very easy. And that was, yet again, an epic fail. I went into the call, I left one meeting. I was in New York, and I just was, you know, on the run. And I just joined this call. There was. Their whole team was on the call, and basically they asked me what I wanted to create for video content. So I jumped right into how I can help people. I knew it was a female audience, and I just made the assumption to it was working women. I don't know why I would make an assumption like this, but I did. And I jumped into this whole pitch about all the different videos I would create and how they would be about getting ahead at work and leveraging social media to land business and how to get a raise and how to get a promotion and how to reinvent yourself, and all these things that are important to me that I thought were a value that I have a lot of expertise in and that I could teach other women how to do and come to find out. About 20 minutes into the call, one of the representatives from the brand said, heather, I guess we should take this step backwards for a moment. You're not familiar with our audience. And I said, excuse me, I'm confused. What do you mean? And they said, oh, these are women who do not work. These are stay at home moms. And so here I was. I'd been on this whole pitch and creating this whole concept that was for the wrong audience. So yet again, not doing my homework, not making it about them is always an epic fail. And just taking a step back from whatever it is that you're going after in your life, whatever you're targeting or trying to do, make it about the other person. Do your research and homework on them. And when we take the time to really dig in and do that, that's when we can create that right fit. That's when we could bring value. And I've learned my lesson. Although you would have thought I learned my lesson on this years ago, but I guess I forgot it. And I have an important meeting with a professional sporting team this week and I reached out to one of my friends who is in the NFL and I ran the opportunity by him. I asked for his insight. I asked for him to help give me some direction and, and strategic advice. And he did. And it was super helpful. And taking extra time, making extra calls, investing in opportunities before they're right in front of you will always set you up for success or at least set you up for a much better meeting. And I feel like I'm set up a lot better this week than I was last week. So continuing to learn and grow as we go. And I'm so excited this for this interview that I'm sharing with you next, which is really. Caitlin is so different than me. She's so much younger than me. She went a totally different route. She didn't necessarily go the business route like I went. She went the bachelor route. Which when I was younger, I remember saying to my old boss, I want to go on the bachelor. I was 30 years old. And he said, no way, Heather, you can't take a couple months off of work. We can't afford not to have you here. And me accepting that and saying, okay, you're right, I've got to run this company and do this and blah, blah, blah, basically put others ahead of me meant I continued in corporate America grind. While my next guest jumped on that show and took off, her social media blew up. She has this massive community, and in turn, she was able to leverage that into a brilliantly successful business. So success does not just look one way. Success can happen tremendous amount of different ways. It's just about stepping into that place and stepping into that power that we all have within us and figuring out what that is. So Caitlin went a very different route than I did. However, she's extremely successful and shares a lot of insights in regards to how she became successful and what she's learned along this really crazy and surreal journey. So I'm so excited for you to hear that. But before I do, I want to give you one of my big momming moments that I've been having. I have not always been the best cook. I'm. I'm constantly on the move, I travel a lot, and when I get home, I will be lazy and, you know, get takeout or grab some, you know, chicken nuggets out of the freezer and just heat them up in the oven for my son. And it's not something I'm proud of. 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Confidence 75. So for a total of $75 off, that's 25 off, each of your first three boxes go to GreenChef US. Confidence 75. So again, a total of 75 off, it's $25 off. Each of your first three boxes go to greenchef US. Confidence 75. That's your deal. I'm saving you money and you're going to thank me. Can't wait to hear what you think. Hang tight. Be right back. Hi, welcome back. I'm so excited for you to meet my next guest. I'm such a fan of hers. She's a Canadian born personality and you know her from the Bachelor and the Bachelorette. She's now the founder of Do Edit and her amazing new wine line, Spade and Sparrows. And yes, I had some. It's fabulous. She's also the podcast host off the vine with Caitlin Bristow. Caitlin, thanks for being here.

Thank you for having me.

I'm so excited.

I am too. I love being guests on podcasts.

You do?

Yeah. Did you see me? I just like sat, got my legs crossed, I leaned back. I'm just more comfortable. I love being on the other end.

So that's interesting to me. Your show is huge. It's one of our top shows at Podcast one. Um, so, you know, obviously you hold a lot of weight in the podcasting business and you've got a ton of downloads. With that being said, I would think you actually felt more confident and comfortable when you're in the host chair.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think I love both. I don't know which one I love more, but I really enjoy being, being a guest. I don't know why. It's. I just feel like I like, maybe I like talking. Like on my podcast, I feel sometimes like I want my guest to speak and so I want to ask all these questions and I never want them to feel uncomfortable. I want them to have the best time I feel like. I just feel more pressure where if it's me, I'm like, I'll just say whatever I want.

So I think that says a lot about you as a person, and I'll tell you why I. For the first time, I had a guest come on my show. I'm interested to know if anyone's done this to you. And I said, so, hey, you know, what do you want to promote, or what do you want to make sure I ask about? Or what's an important tip today? And the woman said, I can tell you what you will not be asking me about.

Oh. And.

And she gave me a list of things that I could not ask her.

Oh. So I've never had that.

She does not like being a guest. Apparently, she would rather be a host in control.

I'm like, ask me anything.

So that's what's really cool. That highlights the importance of vulnerability for you, and I think that's why. I mean, that's one of the reasons, wouldn't you agree, why you're so successful?

I would say that now, yes. I didn't realize that that was such a part of my success or how I've gotten to where I am until I acknowledged it. But going on the show, everybody was. I actually wasn't vulnerable on the Bachelor. I was like, I'm gonna be the tough girl. I hate when these girls cry so easily. They're not gonna crack me. I was this tough. You know, I was. How old was I? I think I. I think I turned 29 on the show, and I was just. I went in with the wrong attitude, but I. But I was still myself, So I was like, I'm quirky, I'm fun. I'm like, I am a tough girl, and that's what I'm gonna show. They're not gonna break me. Well, two weeks later, I'm sobbing over like, he picked her. Like, it broke me. And I learned a lot about myself in that time. We didn't have phones. We didn't have Internet. We didn't have tv. We couldn't have.

You can't even have your phone when you're on that show.

Oh, no, you can. That would keep you grounded because you could reach out to family and ask for advice. Yeah. No, you are isolated, and you can't have any.

It almost sounds mean.

It is. I mean, it's. It's manipulative. And, you know, they really want you to focus on this one relationship and the one person and no distractions. And I used that as an opportunity. To focus on myself. And in that time where they broke me, I would say they didn't break me. They just, you know, they helped me in a way, because I took it as an opportunity to sit in a chair with a producer and make it like a therapy session and dive into why I am this way. And I just turned it around once. Once I did be that girl that was crying, and I kind of just surrendered to it. And then going into the Bachelorette, I was like, I'm gonna be so vulnerable because that's the only way I'm gonna find a person that this works with. And seeing the success from that, I was like, well, that's how I'm gonna build a brand. I'm just gonna be super authentic and vulnerable because I see the success that that brings. And then the more time that went on, the more vulnerable I get and the more honest and open and just self aware I got. I just. That's how I've gotten to where I am.

That's amazing, because there are so few people right now, especially on social media, that are being authentic and vulnerable. So after you, you know, were broke down or, you know, really were hurt on the first show, what? Why would someone, after feeling like that, say, oh, raise my hand. Okay, I'll go be the Bachelorette now?

That's a great question. I'm not really sure. I think. I think I just saw that it could work, because on the Bachelor, once I started opening myself up and showing my feelings and talking through everything is when I started to really like the guy. And I kind of just allowed myself to feel all those feelings. And I was like, wait, this can work. It didn't work for me in this relationship, but I probably could find somebody in the same setting. And I've, like I said on my podcast, I've just always been a bit of a risk taker. So going on the Bachelorette, I was like, yeah, this would be how I find somebody. Like, that's just so classic Caitlin to just go do something crazy and find somebody that way.

But for those who hadn't watched your season of Bachelorette, will you share with us what actually did happen?

So I, like, through the whole season. So I went on, and they actually made it two Bachelorettes. So I had to compete against another woman to be the Bachelorette on the first episode, which was so ridiculous.

I just have to make that comment, oh, I was.

I was so upset about it because I just thought, how dare they do that for ratings? That is sick. And I actually said no at first because I just didn't like how they were positioning it. And eventually I just.

Women against women, right?

But I mean that's. If you think about that show like it's always women against women, it's men against men. So I just took it as okay, I'm gonna go into it and think if these guys choose her as the bachelorette, I wouldn't want to be in relationships with them anyways. They probably aren't for me because we're two very different people. So I just looked at it like that. I thought if something great comes out of it, then I would have no regrets and like, who knows what doors it'll open. And I just took that risk. So it ended up being me that the guys chose, which, I mean, I don't like that. But then the roles were reversed and I was choosing. So I mean, I guess it's just a really weird gray area of what's wrong weird and not weird in that world.

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I think I went into it very naive because the producers had treated me so well on the Bachelor that I truly believed that they were friends and family and wanted the best for me and I didn't understand the world of ratings and TV and and what they could be actually doing just to get, you know, good ratings, people to tune in. And so I really trusted the producers and I didn't have my family or friends to talk to and I started to become super lonely and by the end of I had a lot of fun with it too. But by the end of it I was just so mentally drained and so exhausted that I would find myself saying in interviews, like what do you want me to say? Because you're obviously not letting me out of this chair.

You'd ask the producer and they're filming for the show and you're saying tell me what you want me to say.

Yeah, because at this point like you guys are going to take what you want anyways. So like what do you want from me? And I was just so gassed from everything. I just was done and I ended up so I had three guys left the whole fantasy suites and I got it was a very controversial season because I slept with one of the guys before the fantasy suite and that was just a whole, like the Bachelor world hasn't seen that and.

Oh, ratings skyrocketed.

Yeah, exactly. And it was just so interesting. Cause I'm like, I mean, there's fantasy suites. There's. You go into a room overnight with three different men. That's not weird to Bachelor world. You know, that's like, well, yeah, that's what happens on the show. But you did it before. You know, like, that was just so mind blowing to everybody that it really blew up. And I ended up getting a lot of slack for that and a lot of hate online. And I just would cry in my bed every night. I lost so much hair from stress. I just was like devastated that people could genuinely hate me for just being who I was and what I would do in a relationship. And I mean, I got told I should burn in a dumpster. And I don't know what kind of language I can use on your show, but you can bleep it out, okay, like, shut my whore legs and how I'm disgusting. And nobody would ever want their daughter to look up to me. And all these awful things just kept pouring in. And I think Hannah is going through that right now as the Bachelorette because she did like a naked bungee jumping date. And people just really rip into you. And once, you know, it's hard enough to hear that from one person, but you're hearing it from like hundreds of thousands.

Oh my gosh.

And it was just really, really hard. And, and, and then. And I ended up picking somebody who, you know, because I had taken all the relationships as far as I could to really figure out who I liked. You still don't know the person you're getting engaged to at the end of the. So I went with who I felt the most confident with in my feelings. And we got engaged and then, you know, we had a three and a half year relationship out of it. But that, that was something that the show was never. The show was always a topic in our relationship and it was always just too hard for, for Shawn to, to move past. And, And I was always made to feel a lot of shame around that. And so I, again, I did a lot of self work and going to a therapist to not have that false guilt and that false shame about what I did because I couldn't take it back. I wouldn't take it back. And I was just so confident in my decision by the end from, you know, with my relationships with the other people. I was like, no, I know I want to be with this one person. And so it just. I mean, I think it's hard for anyone to come out of that show and have a successful relationship. And that's why it doesn't have the greatest success rate, because, I mean, I can understand why. And some people get through it and some people don't, but that's led me into where I am today, and I'm in a happier relationship for it and everything, you know, the slut shaming or whatever you want to call it actually gave me a platform to have a voice for women. And it gave me the opportunity to say, like, hey, I love this feeling of empowering women. And I had so many women hate me. Yes. But I had so many women come forward and say, thank you for being so real on the show. Thank you for doing what all of us women would do. And, like, good for you for not trying to be someone you're not, because that's not what we want to see on TV anymore. Everyone on the Bachelorette, you know, they've. And I'm not saying they're not. That's not who they are, but a lot of them are the cookie cutter girl next door, all American sweetheart. And that's great, but that's not me. And I wasn't going to pretend to be that.

And that's not 98% of the population either.

Exactly.

So, yeah, that's kind of comical.

Yeah.

So when you had these haters, and that's an overwhelming number of haters, how. I think you did respond sometimes to people. Correct?

Oh, yeah. I am. I am not shying away from a clapback. I. Because part of me, I can. I can see the ones who create accounts just to hate me behind a closed. Like, you know.

You're kidding. They create an account to hate.

Oh.

Still to this day, I have not made it, my friend. I don't know that yet. Something for you to aspire to.

That's a good, Good way to look at it. Because, yeah, I will have. I will have women or I'll look and they have zero, you know, photos, zero followers following zero. But they've clearly created this account to come after me so that they aren't caught and who they are. But those ones I try not to respond to because I'm like, you don't matter. You're clearly doing this for attention. It's the. It's the women that have in their bio, Christian mother of three, you know, that lover of Jesus who come after me. I'm like, okay, you're someone I'm gonna clap back to because Take a look in the mirror. Who hurt you? And why are you projecting your insecurities out on me? And I will either sometimes I'll try and spread love back to them and be like, I really like your hair. I'm sorry you're so angry. Like, or there will be ones where I'm like, that's just too easy sometimes, you know? But I do, I like standing up for myself. And I think it's important, and I think it's important to use your voice to tell somebody that what you've said has hurt me or like, why are you doing this? Because sometimes that can stop that person from doing it the next time. And so there are times where I have to bite my tongue or not respond to the haters because sometimes they don't deserve that attention. But there are times where I want to stand up for myself.

I found that occasionally I've said something back on a feedback and then they come back again and come back again. So I stopped doing that. But one time when I launched my book, I had someone create a ghost account on Goodreads, which is a book platform and same thing, you know, no followers, no pictures, no anything, just Barbara. And rated my book A1. And I decided to Barbara. I took a picture, a screenshot of that, I put it on LinkedIn and I wrote a note to Barbara.

Oh, good.

I said, barbara, I don't know where you are, but I do know this. You didn't read my book.

Yeah.

Because if you had, you would have included your picture. You would included why you didn't like it because you would feel totally confident in your opinions and owning who you are and not worried what I or anyone else thought.

Yeah.

So, Barbara, please read the book and if you'd like it, DM me, I'll send it to you.

I know, totally.

But what was so cool about that? Because I was so like you. I just felt I was pissed and so many people responded. Heather, going to Goodreads now to review your book. A five star. I got this ton of five star ratings that came in that I wasn't even asking for because people were so pissed that someone was creating that ghost account.

Yeah, no, that's. There's, you know, sometimes when somebody has hate to spread, there's an army of love that's going to come after them. And sometimes that scares me too, though, because I don't want people to now go and bully that person, you know, and sometimes that, that happens and it just, you know, goes in a spiral. And so I, It's Hard, because like you said, I like, I like saying something like that and standing your ground and believing in what you're doing and then having people be like, yeah, we're going to stand behind you. But there's been times where I've called somebody out and then that person gets bullied so badly from, you know, the attention that I brought to them, and then who really wins there? Yeah, it's a hard.

It is hard.

Yeah, it's hard to navigate that one.

Well, hopefully in the future, people throw less comments, negative comments out there. We'll hope that happens eventually.

Yes. Fingers crossed.

So for you, you did both the Bachelor, then the Bachelorette, then you're in a relationship. How did you navigate becoming a brand, an entrepreneur, gaining millions of followers and transitioning that into revenue and business for you, how did that all happen?

Well, first of all, I had some really great people on my side. So my girlfriend Penny, I kind of look at her as a mentor because she. She's the VP for Scooter Braun, and she just gets the business. And she has always believed in me, and I was friends with her. I met her when I was just turned 19, and she's always just kind of had my back and believed in me and believed that I was gonna do these big things and. And she's just always helped me along the way. And when I came off the show, I get this email, like, hey, we'll pay you $5,000 to say you drink this flat tummy tea. And I was like, yeah, I was like, 5k for being on Instagram. Like, I would be stupid to turn that down.

Actually.

No, it was a waist trainer. It was a waist trainer. And so I put it on and I took the photo and people were pissed and they were like, why would you promote that? And I saw my followers drop and Penny called me and she said, get that off your Instagram. I don't care how much they paid you, you are not gonna be this person on social media. And I just needed that reality check because I didn't know any better. And I was like, wow, okay. So I deleted it. And she goes, if you prove yourself to your followers and you only show them things that you truly believe in and things that they're gonna get and go, I'm so grateful that Caitlin shared this on Instagram. And you use your platform to, like, do stuff with charity and you find things you're. And you're just real and you are Caitlin, that's gonna be success, longevity wise for your career and building bigger brands and Getting bigger brands to come, want to work with you. And that was the best advice I've ever gotten, because I just was like, okay, I deleted the post. Didn't take the money, and then I didn't take a lot of money, and all these things kept coming in, and I kept saying no, and I turned down so much money.

Because you weren't independently wealthy.

No, no.

It's hard.

I came out of working at a restaurant and teaching spin classes, to going on a show where I made it really far, to turning around and going on another show. And on the Bachelor, you don't make money as the Bachelorette. You do, but, you know, then how long does that last? And. And so I really had to take a look at what I wanted to be and how I. You know, who am I? I'm. I've got a big personality. I like to drink wine. I like to do nice things for other people. I like to make people laugh. And I do like, your occasional, like, beauty products or, like, the certain things. And I had to really stay true to myself and build that trust with my following and my audience so that they could see I wasn't just trying to sell them on anything so that now down the road, I can, you know, put out a really good wine or scrunchies, that they're gonna be like, well, we trust her, and we trust what she's making. And she didn't just come off that show and go jump into another TV show or just start selling crap to us. She built. Built our trust. And it's been four years now, and now she's. You know, it was something that I really wanted. I really wanted to involve my followers in everything I did. I wanted to ask them what they love, and I wanted to make sure that they were happy with me too. And all from, you know, not looking for the outside acceptance, having it come from within myself first.

Wow, that's such the right way to build a brand. So congrats that you had this direction and did that.

And it was. I mean, I'm so, so lucky to have the team that I have, because they aren't just agents and PR teams trying to, like, make a dollar off me. It was girlfriends that I built this team with who want to believe in that longevity of Caitlin, too.

Was it scary to launch those brands because you hadn't launched something like that before?

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, there's always the fear of people not wanting to buy it or, you know, and everyone's gonna have something to say. It's too expensive. Or the shipping's too much or whatever. But then there's so many people that are so excited. And it was, it was nerve wracking because I was like, I hope people are as excited as I am because I have always been passionate about wine. Since I was 18 years old, I really loved learning about wine. I worked in a restaurant where I had to train servers and be knowledgeable about all the wine on the menu. And I worked with sommeliers and I, I just loved doing it. So I wanted people to appreciate that. Yeah, I'm not a connoisseur and I'm not a sommelier, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you good wine that you're gonna enjoy and we're gonna have fun with this together.

But.

And it was, I've gotten just amazing response and people have been really excited for me and I think they see that I do work hard and that I won't just, you know, try and make it, make a quick buck off my followers. I just won't do it.

So there's a sense of pride that comes with being able to talk confidently, intelligently about a certain subject.

Right?

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I think the more I do, the more I focus on just little things that make me happy. Like, I see that what I've done and what I've built has come from being true to myself and doing things that I love and finding my small team around me that loves me and, you know, I trust them. And so the more time that goes on, the more I'm like, if I prioritize my relationships, I always have, I see that if that person's on the same page as me, I'm in a better place to work hard. And I'm in, like, if you're happy and you're surrounding yourself with the things you should prioritize in life, you actually become a better friend, a better partner, a better businesswoman if you're prioritizing the right things.

It's so true. And you have transitioned from that last relationship to now a new relationship. And how has that impacted things?

Yeah, that's. It's the craziest thing to look back on because I was so in love and I wanted it to work so badly, and I fought so hard, and it was just like an uphill battle. Like, I just felt like I couldn't win. And I just felt. I didn't realize how insecure I was until I got out of it. And I think I was really secure with myself and I believed in myself, and I loved doing everything that I was doing, and I felt successful in things that I did, but I didn't feel successful in the relationship. And that brought me down because that was a priority to. I wasn't focusing on the other things I should have been focusing on because I was just so invested in why he wasn't loving me back the way I loved him. And so coming out of that was really hard, but I knew it was the right thing. And so I just kept pushing forward and pushing forward and doing what I love to do. That all those things led me to this next relationship, which I did not think was going to come that quickly. But by doing what I was doing and going through those Hard times that led me to this next relationship. And then I saw the. He doesn't like being called a cheerleader. He's like, you keep calling me a cheerleader. He goes, I'm just, like, so proud of you, and I just want to help. And I just.

He's your number one advocate.

He really is. And just that I was like, wow, okay. I knew I believed in myself, but having someone on your team that believes in you, too, makes a world of a difference. And I started seeing the brands even grow bigger and be more successful. And people saw my happiness through Instagram, which, you know, everyone looks happy on Instagram, but people genuinely saw the difference in me. And so it's been so different to. And now being removed from that last relationship and being able to look at it from the outside, and I just see how toxic it was and how I'm, like, so happy that I saw that I was. I had the strength to get out of it because I had so many good things going for myself. I was. You know, if people looked from the outside, it looked great. But I think now where I'm at, it's just like, okay, this. It's supposed to be easier than that. And it's. You're supposed to feel so safe with somebody, and that's just. I don't know, it's crazy how much that's just, like, bled into other things that I'm doing.

Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more. The people that you surround yourself with, especially those key relationships, if they're not lifting you up and supporting you, you're gonna be held back in some way that you just don't see.

I didn't even realize how held back I was until I wasn't, you know.

Weren't you afraid, though, with the level of celebrity that you had? Your breakup was so public there. You had a joint statement. I mean, all this awfulness, when you got out of that, weren't you thinking, oh, my gosh, the last thing I want to do right now is put myself out there again and try this again.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I was terrified. I. I was totally fine with being on my own forever. I was like, you know what I imagine? Yeah. I'm like, I'm cool with it. I love where I'm at with just me. So I don't need. I don't need no, man. You know, I did the whole thing, but, yeah, because it was just scary and. And I did not love the joint statement, but I. You know, that's just apparently what you do in this world. And we were hanging on to that joint statement for so long that, you know, we were in a bad place for a while. But we both just kept not wanting to put it out there, to the point where I was like, oh, my God, just get it out there. Get it off. It was just weighing so heavy on me. But there's always something. He was like, well, I've got this thing at the gym the next day, so that'll affect my sales. Well, I've got this. And I'm like, okay, we can't do that anymore. So I think. Which also made it look like I moved on faster than I did because we hung onto that statement for so long. But, yeah, it was. It was scary until I just was like, I don't care what people think. I met this guy. I didn't realize the connection we had until people from the outside started pointing it out. And. Well, because I wasn't in a place to even think about another guy. And so all these people were saying, did you hear your connection with Jason on your podcast? And I was like, what? And I was just rooting for him to be the Bachelor. I wanted him to be the Bachelor so badly that I didn't even look at it like that. And then we just didn't stop talking from there, and it was just so easy. And then I was like, wait, wait, I have feelings. And then I just wasn't scared anymore because it just felt. It just felt right.

That's so amazing that you listened to yourself and you were willing to put yourself out there again. That's a big risk.

I put a lot of work into listening to myself, even when it comes to drinking water, drinking more water, even when it comes to fueling my body with the right food and just listening to your body, whether it's for career, relationships, eating, anything. Like, it's just crazy how much you can just sit back and listen to your body.

So paying attention to how you feel is really important to you now.

Yeah.

And it's serving you well.

Yes. And, I mean, I'm telling you, I've had a therapist and my. I had a health and wellness coach and a life coach, and I just. I really committed to working on myself.

What were the biggest takeaways you learned from them?

The, like, biggest takeaways was. I think that I was. A lot of things I was telling myself were lies. A lot of things are really simple to just stop by saying out loud, stop. And switching your mindset and doing that whole almost, like, fake it till you make it, like, convince yourself of how great you are, and then you start believing it. And I'm like, wait, I am great. And having little messages on your mirror and doing the homework and even writing out how you feel and what you're putting into your body and what makes you feel good. Just, there's so many takeaways. I'm like, I could talk about takeaways for an hour, probably.

Oh, my gosh, that's amazing. But it's so good for people to hear. Oftentimes people will put a celebrity on a pedestal and they'll say, that person doesn't have the problems that I have.

I know, and I've done it. I've done that. I've looked at people on Instagram and celebrities I follow being like, God, their life's so good now. I don't do that because, you know, it's not right. Because I'm able to. Yeah. Take a step back and be like, well, it's good on Instagram because it's what we do. But everybody. There's not one person out there in the whole world that doesn't have struggles.

Everyone is struggling right now.

Everyone. Even the people who have it all together. Like, I. To me, right now, in my life, I'm like, I'm 34. I've got a great guy in my life. I just rescued my dream dog. I've got my businesses going. They're going well. I've got everything going. But I still suffer with severe anxiety. And sometimes I wake up and I'm like, why do I feel so depressed today? And I still have those real moments where I just absolutely want to break down, or I struggle, or I look in the mirror and think I'm ugly, or I do. Like, I'm. Because I'm still a human being who goes through struggles. I don't even know where my anxiety comes from half the time. Like, sometimes I just have to sit down and I meditate a lot, but I'll do research. Being like, okay, what has happened? Like, what is really, like, going on inside? Why am I feeling so much anxiety right now?

That's so good. That's the most important thing you can do.

Yeah. And it's crazy because it could be something that I wasn't even really. I didn't even realize it was bothering me that much until I really dive into. Into, like, my days and what has happened and write things down. And then I'm like, oh, that's what's bothering me.

Did you share that right away with.

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Oh yeah. Oh yes. He, I mean I'm very open about a lot of things, especially if I'm at this point in my life and going to take the relationship seriously. And I mean he moved in and I just was like, I'm putting everything out there on the table. And, and he is, he's so amazing because he is a very happy go, lucky guy. He's never struggled with anxiety or you know, he's, he's just always been like, he's a really hard worker but he's very in tune with his emotions and he's learned a lot and he's just a really, really like, stable, good, good guy. And of course he has his own struggles and, and all that but he, he had a, like, we had a couple tough conversations about he's like, why would you feel anxious about this? Or like what? Because he doesn't understand it. And I said, look, you can't ask me because I would love to know sometimes too. But you just have to understand it, accept it and accept it. And sometimes I have out of body experiences where I feel like I'm in my childlike self because of anxiety. And that's just something that I struggle with and I work on it and it's just something that's part of me.

Did you ever go on medication?

Oh yeah. I'm on some right now.

It's helped a lot.

Oh my gosh. It's crazy because sometimes it doesn't work for people and sometimes people don't believe it. And sometimes people are like, well, why can't you just meditate or go take a yoga class? And it just, I'm always like, well, you got to do what works for you. So I've tried that. And I was really actually struggling with anxiety. I had a full blown panic attack on a plane once. It was awful, Awful. Oh my gosh, I felt so stuck. I was like grabbing my throat. I tried to get off the plane, they wouldn't let me. It was awful. Yeah, it was really bad. And that's a big part of the golden retriever. He's an emotional support animal for me now because I had to go to the doctor and work through that and get the papers for him and I don't want to abuse the system. I truly believe he has helped my anxiety. I talked to my doctor and I tried going on Zoloft and I was like, if I just can let go of some little things that is really affecting my health, I don't see I lose sleep over it and blah, blah. And so we talked through it and so I tried going on Zoloft and it backfired horribly. And I was having dark thoughts in the middle of the night and I was sick to my stomach. I would start sweating out of nowhere. My anxiety was through the roof. And he was like, you gotta stop immediately. And then that scared me from trying anything else. I was like, okay, that, like, you know what? Medication isn't for me. There's a lot of shame around medication too, with being on something. And I was just like, maybe it's better off, I just don't. And he was like, I really encourage you to try something else if anxiety is really something you struggle with. So I tried Celexa and I'm telling you, it has done wonders for me. And I'm still me. I still have my emotions, I still have my feelings, I still, it's just helped with that little bit of anxiety that had crippled me at times and it's done wonders for me.

Oh, thank you so much for sharing that with people because I have so many friends that have tried medication. It has changed their life and it's so important for people to know. Do you. Whatever works for you, just make it work.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah, no, I like talking about it because I think it's so important to not have shame around that. And I'm obviously an advocate for any mental health and I just think it's important for people to know that. Do what? Do what's going to be, you know, do what's going to be good for your soul and for your life and for you to be happy. And if that means you're on medication, like, if you have a cold, you take Advil, like, if you, you know, if you have cancer, you're going to do chemo, if you have a mental illness or anxiety, take medication.

It's no different.

Yeah. It's just there should be no shame around it.

Well, you're going to bust it up. All right, I have to ask every guest that I have this question. When did you struggle the most with your confidence in your life?

I think it was when. Actually, I know it was when I was in a relationship where he was a hockey player and it was his life, and I was following him around everywhere to be where he needed to be for hockey. And I completely lost myself and I felt zero self worth, and I was living in a bunch of different places, but I ended up in Germany and I had no friends. I couldn't even hear people's conversations at the grocery store. I couldn't even read labels at the grocery store. I didn't know what things were. He was on the road a lot. I had no. I could not just go out and make some girlfriends because I couldn't speak the language. I couldn't get a job in Germany. We were only out there for a certain amount of time, so I couldn't even commit to, like, doing some volunteer work because they needed a commitment from you. And we had to go back to Vancouver in the summers. And it was. I was financially and emotionally just relying on this one person. And he was in a place where I think he was disappointed with his cocky career. So he was in the NHL, but, you know, he got injured and he went through everything where he had to, you know, go play in Germany, where it was really actually, like, great for him. But I think he struggled with that. So we were both just feeling a little lost. And I just had zero confidence because I was in a relationship where I felt like I brought nothing to the table and I didn't know who I was. And the more I stayed in this foreign place, the more lost I became. And he had his own thing to go to every single day. And I just. I was like, what am I doing with my life? And it was just his world and I was living in it. And I think we were both, you know, young twenties too, where he didn't know to build me up and to help me. And he was just kind of like, what do you want me to do? This is my Life.

What did you do?

Well, we broke up.

And you moved back home.

Yeah.

And that started you down a different path.

Yeah. So I. And I did not want to leave him because I was like, what am. At that point. I was 26. And you know when you're 26 and you break up and you think you just.

You'll never find another person?

And I wasn't in a place where I was like, I'm gonna do things for myself. I was like, how am I going to live? He paid for this, and he supported me. And I don't want to start over at restaurants, and I don't want to go backwards to go forwards. I don't want to go back, but that's what I did. And I started finding confidence in the restaurant business because I was really good at what I did, and they wanted me to be a manager, and they wanted me to help open other restaurants across Canada. And I started getting confidence through just building myself back up.

That's amazing. And you've clearly built yourself back up. I'm so proud of you. And I hate that I have to leave because I have to go catch this flight. It's a nightmare.

Oh, you do?

I do.

Okay. Yeah.

So, Caitlin, where can my people find you?

Okay, well, there's so many places. I really need to just reel it in here because there's my scrunchie line, which is Ewedit D E W e D I T. And that's, like, been really fun because it's a business and it's a product, but it's women that come together and they talk about their love of scrunchies and they have. They're funny and they make new friends. There's my off the vine podcast at Offthe vine podcast on Instagram. My wine, which is spade and sparrows, and then just me at Caitlin Bristowe. And your dog Ramen, the golden noodle. That's the most important one.

Come on. We can't forget about him.

Yeah. No, don't. Ever.

Thank you so much for coming on the show today. I appreciate it immensely.

I appreciate what you're doing and the conversations you're having. So good luck on your podcast.

Oh, thank you. Good luck to you.

Thank you.

And we'll be right back. I'm so happy you got to meet my girl, Caitlin. I'll tell you, I am constantly reminded to be open minded because many moons ago, I might have been making fun of someone, you know, for being on the Bachelor or being, you know, a certain way, and it was really Eye opening to me to get to know Caitlin, see how real she is, see how she has leveraged her unique talents to create her own company, her own brand now, her own wine company. It's just, I'm always reminded, just think bigger, Keep your eyes open, keep your mind open. And when we do that, we can learn so much from people all around us. One thing that I've learned is I'm obsessed with FabFit Fun Box. If you haven't checked it out yet, the 2019 FabFitFun Summer Box. It's on sale now. Treat yourself with the most amazing curation of fantastic beauty products and supplies you need, like Grace and Stella's spray all day, the Ros spray. I'm obsessed with the smell. It hydrates my face. I'm literally sitting here using it right now. I'm a big scent person. So the Brazilian Foreplay Cream gel and the Bum Bum Cream are insane.

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I will not say who it was. This person was so tense being interviewed that this person actually said to me, I will tell you what we are not going to speak about today, Heather before the microphone went on. And I thought to myself, that's so weird. I like being interviewed. I find it easier to be interviewed than to be the one doing the interview. Because when you're doing the interview you need to do a lot of research and usually read someone's book or you know, watch videos about them and understand what you unique and relevant about them to the show. It's a lot of work when you show up to be interviewed, you just show up as yourself. And I really saw that with Caitlin. When the microphone went on the other side and I was the one doing the interviewing, she just had this sigh of relief. She really knows who she is and feels comfortable being herself and sharing that with the world. And not all people feel that way. So I thought that was so cool to witness and see. And it made me think about. I kind of feel the same way. It's a little more difficult when you're interviewing someone, but you want to do a really good job and you want to bring value. But when you're just being yourself, it seems a lot easier. But that really all goes back to confidence. When you are your most confident self, you can just show up as you and things become much easier because you are enough just being you, that is for sure. So I wanted to answer a couple of questions that I've received. One is from one of my listeners, someone who joins us here each week, and she is a medical device rep. So she said, heather, I come to you needing your help with the vision of your life size cutout in my brain. You guys all know I do send life size cutouts of myself to different people. When I wanted to get on Steve Harvey and I wasn't hearing back, I literally sent them a life life size cutout of myself. And I got a call back that next week. So I just find it. That's it. 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And this theme is kind of sticking with me today, right? Is that it's all about the other people. So find out who that ultimate decision maker is and research them. Where did they go to college? How many kids do they have? What's meaningful and important to them? Do you notice that they have all these awards showcased when you first walk in? Okay. They like recognition. This is something important to them. How could you bring Value to that. Maybe you have a media contact locally in the market and you ask them if they'd be willing to do a story on the clinic. Bring value first. Make it about them. When you do that, you will separate yourself from the crowd. You don't need to send a life size cutout or cookies because you're showing them that you bring them value, that they're doing something positive in the community and you want to help showcase that and highlight that for them. That would be kind of a cool way to break through the noise. If you can't get to that person, if you don't have that insight yet, maybe you can get to the gatekeeper. And so many people gloss over the gatekeeper, they don't pay attention to them, they ignore them. Find out what that person's name is, find out what's important to that person, find out if they have kids, where did they go to school, send them a DM on LinkedIn and ask for their help, ask for their insight. You know, when you make people feel special and important, they're going to remember you, they're going to help you. And that gatekeeper can go so flipping far for you. That's the way you're going to stay in touch, that's the way you're going to learn and break through. So you don't, you know, there's one angle to go to try to go to the ultimate decision maker. There's another angle to try to go to the gatekeeper. But then there's an entire team, right. Of people that work there that you can learn from. This isn't, you know, a one and done process and it doesn't have to be the life size cutout or the cookies. It can really be more about them. And I think that's a really interesting, smart way to break through when you've got so many different medical device reps trying to hit them. Let's develop that one on one connection and let's learn more about them and what's meaningful to them. I did that when I was trying to break through to someone in the government. I had an idea I wanted to pitch them and I saw that he had an Irish name. I have an Irish name. I searched Irish crests and I sent him a picture of his Irish crest next to mine and I wrote a really nice email about how cool it was that he and I both had these really similar crests and how our Irish heritage, et cetera, et cetera. And I heard right back from him. So sometimes it's not about Doing the biggest wow moment. It's about making people feel special and unique. And I would say definitely try that route first. And if you still can't get through, let me know and we'll come up with some new ideas for you.

Okay?

So another question I had. Heather, good morning. I always go through your posts and find it very encouraging. This is from LinkedIn. I have a question for you. How can one keep themselves positive every time in a competitive and challenging world? If you can say something on this on your post, it would help everyone. So here's the thing. Fire the villains. Number one. First and foremost, if you have someone negative in your life, you are constantly going to feel pulled down in a very negative, draining way. And as I continue to evaluate my life and who I spend my time with, I realize that when you're around really uplifting, positive people that are working hard and growing, you feel that vibe. It motivates you. It makes you feel positive. We have the opportunity through social media to choose who we follow, to choose what news we want to be fed. Make it positive ones, but also evaluate your life. Who are you working with?

Who do you work for?

Who are you spending your personal time with? And make sure those people are positive. If they are not, you need to fire those villains to set yourself up to have that best day, best year, and best life you can have. So always fire the villains is where I start. The next thing is, you know, you can just have mantras for yourself. You can have a mantra that says, I am positive, I am grateful. I'm going to start my gratitude. Practice three things a day I'm grateful for. You know, I'm going to read my mantras every morning when I get up. I read my manifestations every morning when I get up, and they put me in a great mood and, you know, create that vision of the life you want to have, even if you don't have it yet and start feeling what does it feel like to have that and start writing it down and reading it and own it and watch how things just start changing around you. You know, giving other people compliments, genuine compliments, is a great way to feel positive. It makes other people feel good. They feel good being around you, you know, stepping into who you really are and taking off the mask is a huge way to feel good. For a long time in business, I tried to dress different. I tried to be different than who I really was. And I didn't feel so good every day. I kind of felt badly. So now when I show up as me, I feel more excited. I feel more confident, more strong, and more positive. So pick really positive people to have in your life. Spend your time doing something you love. You know, spend time in your superpower. If you're an artist, do not work on Excel spreadsheets. That's a major disconnect. You're going to feel negative. Figure out what it is that you love and find time to do it, even if it's just after work for right now. But taking those small steps to do the things you love, to appreciate yourself, to be grateful, and to surround yourself with people that pick you up. Those are amazing ways to feel good every day. So hopefully this podcast is one of those things that can do that for you. I hope to see you yet again next week. Every Tuesday we've got a new show and as always, if you can subscribe, rate and review, I would appreciate it so much. Hoping that this was a great show for you again and keep creating your confidence. I can tell you that I'm on it too.

Let's go.

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