#126: What To Do When The People In Your Circle AREN’T In Your Corner with Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Fasten your seatbelts. I'm ready for my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me today. Thank you. So this week, you know, one of the things that I was thinking about was I've heard that famous quote. I believe it's Bill Gates, but Tony Robbins uses it. There's a lot of people that use it. Quotes are so misrepresented. I believe it's a Bill Gates quote which says something like, people overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in a decade. And I'm calling BS on that because for 14 years, I was in corporate America essentially in the same role from VP to EVP to CRO of sales, and I had very little growth. The company grew a lot during my tenure there. However, I didn't. I got fired. It's gonna be coming up on four years, July 27th. I can't believe it. And that first year out, from 2017 to 2018, I wrote and self published my first book, Confidence Creator, and took it number one on Amazon business biography list. That first 12 months, being outside of that situation in corporate America with people who were not supporting me, I. I grew more and accomplished more than I did in 14 years. Then that next year, from 2018 to 2019, I launched my podcast. I delivered my first TEDx, which was promoted to TED and translated into six languages. My second year, I accomplished more than I did in those 14 years back at that company, surrounded by people not wanting me to grow and achieve my goals. The next year, from 2019 to 2020, I was named top four 40 female keynote speaker. I became faculty at Harvard, teaching professional selling and sales leadership. And I was appointed to the board of directors at HealthLinked. Yet again, more growth. And then, you know, from 2020 to 2021, as you know, I've signed on with HarperCollins leadership to launch my new book, Overcome youe Villains, coming out this November, I was appointed to the board of directors of 99 acquisitions. You know, there's been so many things that have happened over the past few years that showed me the opposite of that famous quote. Don't underestimate what you can accomplish in a year and just focus on what you can do in a decade. That's what I was doing for a long time. Focus more on who are you surrounding yourself with, right? Just because they're in your circle doesn't mean they're in your corner. And I've gone back to this so many times for. For a decade, I pitched myself for a board of directors position at the company I worked for. I was beyond overqualified for the position. The company and the board needed me on it. They needed diversity. They never put me on after I got fired. I've been appointed to the board of directors of two different companies where I add massive value. And I'm so proud of that. However, I was banging my head against a wall for a really long time, for a decade, in hopes right back to that Bill Gates quote that somehow, miraculously, at the end of the decade, it was gonna happen. Bs. It's about being with the right people, believing in yourself. And when you're not with those right people, standing up and saying, this isn't where I'm meant to be. I knew it. I was just paralyzed by fear. And I don't want that for you. I don't want you to waste all that time. I wasted so much potential in that 14 year window. I guess that's the one thing I regret, right? I've had so much more growth over the past few years than I had in that 14 year window and I don't want that for anyone else. Start looking as, holy cow, look what I can accomplish in one year if I take massive action today. So I've been reflecting because I have the new book Overcome youe Villains, coming out in November 9th. It's dropping. I'm so excited and I. I've been reflecting a lot because my first book came out in 2018 and I had no idea what I was doing. Like anyone, you're a beginner first, right? You start as a beginner and I had no idea. I'm proud of what I did and I love my first book and I'm so grateful for all the reviews and for everyone who's invested in my book and reviewed it. Thank you so much. It means the world to me. But I'll tell you, I didn't know what you're supposed to do. Someone said, oh, you need to get reviews of your book.

So.

So I called my girlfriends. So my first book, all the initial reviews, even you know, on Amazon's website, were all my girlfriends. I didn't know to do any differently. Now, fast forward a couple of years and Harper Collins tells me, we want famous authors, we want New York Times bestselling authors, we want celebrities, right? So I had the bar's been raised on me. I've been given direction, the bar's been raised. And so I need to execute at another level. Go back to confidence Creator coming out in 2018, I just didn't know. So I'm still so proud of what I did back in 2018. But I am super excited now that I'm raising the bar on myself and HarperCollin's leadership is raising the bar on me. So much so is the direction we get the information, right, that we have access to the expectations we have for ourselves. And I had really low expectations for my first book because I just didn't know any better. And, and now, gosh, I've learned so much over the last couple of years in regards to the book industry and just the constant evolution of how to become a bestseller and how to hit these lists. And there's so much we don't know, right? So for me coming into this world, I know a lot about advertising, marketing and leading sales teams. I'm an expert in that arena cause I have more than 20 years experience in it. But in this world of being an author and being a speaker and a podcast host, I'm still a rookie. I'm only a couple years in, so I'm learning so much which makes me so optimistic for the future. So wherever you are in your journey, find a way to start showing up as a beginner, start taking chances in a new arena and watch yourself grow. Yes, it will be incredibly uncomfortable. I'm so with you on that. I have a keynote speech this week for a company in Australia and I've never done a keynote for Australia before. I'm showing up as a rookie speaker for Australia and I'm excited for that.

Right.

I have to think of things through their lens and how are they perceiving things and what's important to them. And this will be my first time. So the more we can move into growth, the more we can move into the unknown, the more we can grow. And, and that's what I want for you, is to have these one year windows of massive growth, not these decades of staying sedentary, which is really where I was.

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Okay, so in my additional growth I am going to read to you today because you're helping me. As you know I'm auditioning For Overcome youe villains for HarperCollins leadership to be the narrator for my book. And I did narrate my first book and I'm super proud of that. And I am going to read you the first chapter of Confidence Creator. If you haven't read it yet, if you don't have the Audible yet, you are going to love it. Here we go. Chapter one. Remind Yourself mom, can you write on my shoes? That's what my 9 year old son Dylan asked me at 6:30 in the morning before school. I was rushing around the kitchen trying to make breakfast and get his bag packed before we had to fly out the door. And he's asking me to write on his shoes. What? Hurry up, we're going to be late. I saw that he was holding out one of his basketball sneakers and a Sharpie. I knew he had a game that night, but I still had no idea what he was talking about.

What am I writing?

I want you to write you can do all things on the bottom of my shoe. I think he saw the blank look on my face. So he explained. Mom, no matter how good you are and no matter how talented you are, every once in a while you. You need to remind yourself. When you're in a tough spot, you have to remember who you are. You can't feel confident every minute of every day. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How brilliant was this? I wrote out the phrase for him and marker on the bottom of his shoe and handed it back to him. He ran off and finished packing his bag while I watched him in stunned silence. I couldn't get over what had just happened. My son taught me the importance of reminders. I literally cried. I was 41 and still struggling with my confidence. It took me years to learn how to believe in myself. He was 9, but he was already capable of creating a confident safety net that he could turn to for support when he needed it. At the time, I was a CRO for a radio company. Because of my job and my role in various charities, I was often required to speak in front of large groups of people at functions. But it wasn't always easy for me. I would feel nervous before I had to take the podium. I'd look out over a sea of faces who were all staring at me and I would feel doubt creep in. I would question myself. That's not a comfortable position to be in. Deep down, I knew what I was capable of. But there were times when I found it difficult to call on that confidence. Dylan was right. We need to support ourselves During Challenging moments. So after that talk with my son, I took a page from his playbook. I started to write little reminders on my shoes whenever I found myself nervous about making a speech or attending a big meeting. One month later, I was asked to speak at a charity luncheon for an organization called City Year Miami. They mentor inner city youth to give them the direction they need to get through school without dropping out. Many of those kids didn't have a support system. Many were impoverished and living in dark places. They were just trying to get by. It wasn't easy to have confidence and trust in yourself when growing up in that environment. So one thing I wanted to stress in my speech was that those kids could learn confidence. Confidence is a skill that can be learned and not one that they had to be born with. What better way to prove that then by using myself as an example? At the end of my speech, I told that story about my son and the message he wanted me to write on his basketball shoe. I brought the actual shoe up with me to the podium. I even showed everyone the message that I wrote on the bottom of my heels that morning. The very next day, I was sitting at my desk at work when I opened up my email and saw that my mailbox was filled with messages from my friends and coworkers who attended that luncheon. They had all sent me pictures of the notes they wrote on the soles of their heels. I love me. I deserve better. I can do this. I am not alone. The messages went on and on. The ladies got into it. Today I write reminders to myself on my computer. I have reminders that pop up on my iPhone. I hide some inside my clothes and around my house. I even have a picture frame that says, hello gorgeous. I sometimes forget where I put them, so when I come across one, it will always bring a smile to my face. More importantly, those reminders have a lasting impact. We all need people who pick us up when we are down. But sometimes it's a job that we can do ourselves. Playing a role in our own rescue is the ultimate key. Sometimes it's as simple as having access to reminders. If you ever see me at an event, you can bet that I'll have a supportive message on the bottom of my heels. That's Chapter one, Confidence Creator. I hope you like it. Hold tight. We're going to be right back. Meet a different guest each week. Okay. It's that time of year again.

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I want to answer this question that I received as a DM on LinkedIn. As always guys, send me your questions. Anything that you want answered. You can reach me on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn via DM or at my website heathermonahan.com There is a Contact Me form there. You can fill it out. Okay. I was employed for 30 years. Same company. My job was outsourced and I was laid off. That is a tough hit. I have a couple of friends who were at the same company with me. After months, more than a year, I'm working again, as are most of my friends. As I mentioned, this was just a bad divorce in some ways. It took me a solid six weeks to get back up and start the process. But here I am having trouble, as are several of my friends. I will get a call to see the manager at my new job and this wave of fear and panic comes over me. Is it just me? Do I need to be patient with myself? I'm so happy I tripped over a post of yours and began following you. Thank you. So this is so interesting and I relate to this in a very real way. I similarly, it's almost like you've been a victim of abuse or something. When you work in a toxic work situation for a long period of time and it becomes the norm, you don't realize how unhealthy it is until you're outside of it. Right? And I liken that to when somebody's being, you know, in an abusive relationship, they don't even realize it until someone else shines A light to say that's not normal. Hello. That's why it's so important to pick your head up outside of your company, your industry, your circle of friends, and talk to people outside of your normal network work. Always expanding, always growing and accessing new perspectives. So for me, I'll never forget this. I was in a very toxic work environment for 14 years, as you know, and I just turned a blind eye to it. So I didn't really realize on many levels it was happening. I thought it was normal. It's not. Fast forward. I got fired. Then I was thrust into this unknown, to this dark space where I didn't know what the heck I was going to do. And that felt so incredibly scary for a long time, even still sometimes, right? So one day, I'll never forget this was a couple years ago. This was probably a year after I had been fired. I was boarding a flight, I was in la, probably had just signed on with Podcast one for launching my new podcast at the time. And I was super excited and had a great trip. And I'm getting on the flight and who do I see? But I see the gc, the general counsel of the company that I worked for for 14 years. She was a big part of the toxic problem in that company. She was the right hand of the woman who fired me. Really vindictive, nasty, attacking, you know, the stab you in the back kind of a person that, ugh, you never wanted to get an email from her. It just was always very uncomfortable around her because she wasn't trustworthy and you knew it. And so I see her and immediately, just like this message I got today, I went back to, oh, my gosh, my heart started racing. I felt so scared. I felt like I was gonna be attacked or fired. And I got into my seat, truly, my heart was pumping physically. I was having an awful reaction to seeing this woman. PS I hadn't worked with her for a year. Ps, she can't fire me. I was already fired.

Right?

I work for myself now. It made no sense. But in the moment, I responded in a visceral way, as if I stopped in that toxic situation. I called one of my old employees, one of my sales leaders from one of my divisions in the company who I'd stayed friends with. You know, of course, I stayed friends with almost all my old employees, my team. I called him, said, you're not gonna believe who I am sitting near right now on the plane. I'm freaking out. What am I gonna do? And he started laughing and he said, what are you Talking about, you are so lucky. You should walk by her and laugh in her face. I said, why? He said, you don't have to deal with her negativity anymore. You don't have to deal with the nightmare known as her. He said, I have to deal with her. I cringe every time I see the email. He said, I'm still in the thick of it. The nightmare of having to work with her. You're on the other side. He said, you should be high fiving yourself and laughing and feeling bad for me. Not feeling bad for you, Heather. And it was that perspective shift that I needed, someone outside of that nightmare that I was subjecting myself to that didn't exist any longer to remind me, you're not in that bubble anymore. And as I said earlier, just because someone's in your circle doesn't mean they're in your corner. That woman used to be in my circle at work, and she was certainly not in my corner. And it felt terrible working side by side with someone like that. It chipped away at my confidence. It chipped away at how I felt about myself. It just. It was an awful experience. But my friend was right. I was now outside of that bubble. I wasn't in it anymore. She couldn't do anything to me. She was just another person on an airplane. So to that question that I got, yes, be patient with yourself. Yes, surround yourself with people who are cheering you on and encouraging you and start celebrating that you're not in that toxic environment anymore. And maybe even share with your new supervisor the reason why you get startled sometimes, but that you're so grateful you're now in a healthy work environment. Ask for help, communicate clearly and often, and watch the people that rise up to help you. I'm so grateful for you. I would so appreciate your help. We just hit 700 reviews on the show.

Yeah.

I'm so freaking excited. I'm so grateful for everyone that's reviewed and rated and shares the show. If you please could rate and review the show. If you haven't left one yet, it would mean the world to me. It helps so much on Apple Podcasts and I just saw we're trending right now. Top shows on the entrepreneur category under business on Apple Podcasts. And that's because of you. I'm so grateful for you. If you could please rate, review, subscribe and share the show. Whenever you do. I retweet, repost, re, share, whatever you post up. And it means the world to me. No one succeeds alone, and that includes me. Until next week. I'll be here creating confidence. And I know you will too. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.