#137: How To Get OUT Of Your Own Way with THE Executive Coach Beth Handel

80% of a human being's inner dialogue, your thoughts are negative and 95% of your 80% that's negative is the same shit you thought yesterday but now watch if 80% of my inner dialogue is negative. Your inner dialogue is what gives you your actions and gives you your results. So how to impact your results in your life is we got to deal with who's talking to you.

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow.

I'm ready for my close up.

Hi and welcome back. I'm so excited for you to meet Beth Handel who is the co founder and vice chair of Handel Group, a 17 plus year executive life coach who has taught thousands appliance to human better. We need more of that. Beth is the one who CEOs, venture capitalists and gurus go to. From Live Nations Michael Rapinoe to Gary B to NFL players Justin Pugh and Nolan Carroll to singer Michelle Williams to name drop a few. She founded Handle Group with her sister Lauren 17 years ago and has developed it into a multi platform business with corporate life coaching, education, sports and product divisions. The Handle method is a unique, cutting edge, straightforward, brutally honest methodology that has been taught and developed at over 50 universities and institutes of learning worldwide from MIT to Stanford. Best coaching style, mad skills and toolkit plus humor and honesty she wields as she owns her own dark side is exploding now as the world implodes and the truth about humanity can no longer be contained in even in lockdown. Beth, I'm so excited to have you here with me.

Thank you Heather. I'm excited to be here with you.

In these crazy days. So I'm so interested to know how has your business been impacted by the pandemic?

Let's see. We were positioned in such a way because we had our digital online interview already with thousands of people in it. The moment that there was the quarantine and stay at home, we were ready to take care of the people and we gave out like just myself personally I coached through group calls, lots of Live Nation because they were in lockdown, close to 1,000 people. So 1,000 people by me for free community calls, coaching and then we had a bunch of our coaches do a lot of free coaching and impacting people. So we just took care of the people. We were fine because everyone was working from home. We'd been working from home for 18 years and so we know how to do that effectively and so we Were just really available to help the planet. And we did fine. We didn't have to fire anyone. We didn't have to let anyone go. We did just fine.

What are some of the strategies that you work with people in businesses who are now operating remotely? I have been seeing this zoom fatigue. A lot of my work is doing virtual keynotes now. And I get a lot of feedback from my clients that they're having a tough time with communication and keeping people engaged. How do you coach people when you're with companies with those same challenges?

You know, it points to. It's a great question because everyone was dealing with it other than, you know, people who work from home already. Right. So I coach many public companies and I wouldn't let people go into the zoom fatigue or that, sorry, I can I curse bullshit, right? There's really like, you got to get connected. In fact, one of my clients who's a big CEO of a public company who he knows, I call him this and I'm going to curse. He's a cold fuck, right? He's an absolute cold fuck. Could care less about his relationships with people. But the pandemic was like. When I first started talking to him, I'm like, this is your shot to not be a cold fuck. Because if you remain a cold fuck during the pandemic, you're going to lose a lot of people. This is your time to step up, get related to people, care about people, get them to get who you really are. And he actually had the best time because he dropped videos. He was more personable. He really upped the ante on being related. Like every week he would call like five different people that he didn't have relationships with. So it actually forced him to up the ante. Building relationships with people. Because the only way you were going to survive this is your relationships with people and taking care of them and knowing each one and what the hell they were going through. From the ones with the kids running around to now, I hate my husband, I hate my wife. Like, he had to take care of people so they would still produce and they still did. One of his divisions did the biggest year of their life. A billion dollars in the middle of the pandemic. So it was really important for people to know that just cause it's zoom and not high in person, which we all miss desperately, that there really is a way to connect with people on zoom. Bullshit. I led workshops through the whole pandemic on Zoom. We just made them so that there wasn't an eight hour day on Zoom. All right, we're going to do no more than three to four. We're going to give you breaks. Completely worked. Workshops worked. People were appreciative. Not true. Yeah.

You know, I agree with you. I was hired by YPO during the pandemic to do a three hour Zoom training. And I was really nervous at first. To your point, right? Like an eight hour thing, you're thinking is that how will that translate through a computer? And like you said, as long as you're asking questions, as long as you're engaging with people and you bring your energy, those hour, three hour, four hour workshops go by really quickly and you can get some great results for sure.

And then, not only that, one of the things I do, I'm obnoxious, but that's me. Is if I'm leading a workshop every day, everybody's video has to be on. I need to see you.

You have to.

I'm not gonna coach you if I can't see you. Right. Like, really right. And so I didn't care what your hair looked like, if you were in your gym clothes, in the shower, if you had a kid or a cat on you, you were eating your lunch. You're in a workshop with me. Turn your video on unless you're driving. Right. Like that. I understood. So I forced the issue and then forced inside of my coaching of all our clients, right? In the corporate world, like having them do that. Like one president, I had him, I gave him ideas. He would do a Friday yoga class with his employees. Right. He did cocktail hours with. We had people doing dinners and sitting around, doing dinners and drinking. Like there's ways to create it. We have a client called Daybreaker who I adore and love that did Zoom now dance parties for corporations in their community and stayed alive. Right. So you had to get creative. You had to deeply care about your people and connecting. So all the people who didn't have relationships with people and did, they either made them or they didn't turn out very well. So it was a time, which is if you take a look, the pandemic for me is like, we got to turn it into a reason this thing happened. Right? Like, okay, so we better up the ante on humanity and how we take care of each other and deal with each other. So what a perfect thing to do to actually up the ante on your caring about people.

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I love the way that you look at it and I couldn't agree with you more, Beth. For people that don't, you know, and I was one of these people, I had never hired an executive coach. I didn't even know that coaching was a thing. Right. I was in the media business, a very traditional business and people didn't really hire coaches or if they did, they didn't speak about it publicly. So can you share with us what, what is an executive coach? Why do people hire an executive coach?

So I have different divisions. So I am an executive life coach. Then I also have a division that is just life coaches. Right? So a life coach. We are not therapists, we are not trained in that we really are trained in and we have a two year program before you ever end up being a coach, if you even make it right. Because we are ruthless about walking our talk. That does not mean you're perfect. It means you own your dark side. And so executive life coaching. So if I were working with you, I'm going to work on in fact I just started with a CEO, 28 year old CEO that has raised money three times, successful hundred person plus company growing like credibly. And I'm going to go both as leadership as a CEO and has his love life and sex life with his wife. So executive life coaching is both. So I ask permission when I coach an executive, like can I have your whole life? 99.9% of all of them say yes. Some of them say well let me see what you do for my leadership then maybe I'll let you in. And usually the ones who don't want the personal is because they have things they don't want to tell me. So executive life coaching is both for you as developing you as an entrepreneur, developing you as an executive, developing you to become an executive. You know I sit with C suite execs but we have all the way down you know, VPs, directors, the children in the company. Right. Millennials, all that. We train and develop leadership leaders. And at the same time, we're dealing with your exercise, your drinking, your drugging. We're going to go into your whole life, your exercise, your body, your home, your family. We go all. So that's an executive life coach. And we are paid to support you in fulfilling your dream and get you out of your way and deal with your cavities and pollution. We do not give a shit about and talk about it forever. I have someone, a friend of my family's, who's been talking to a therapist for 30 years and he's still doing the same crap. Right? So no, we're not. We're not talking about it. Yes, we will. But then we are action based. We are shifted. We are change the behavior. We are get you your dream and deal with your cavities and pollution quickly.

It sounds like high level of accountability is what it sounds like. I love that. Heather.

Yes, you just named it. Exactly. We are going to hold you to account so you can have the life you want.

You deal with a lot of very successful people. Do you find that that's the problem, that's the holdback, that they're not holding themselves accountable or they're not pushing themselves far enough?

Nah, it's different for everybody, right? You're looking to see, the first place that we go to with you, heather, is number one. We break your whole life into 12 areas, which is both personal and business, and some just, you know, it's all over. So you've got 12 areas that make up your life. The first thing that we deal with that most people don't deal with is dreaming. And we teach you how to dream again, because you haven't really dreamed other than New Year's resolutions or goals. That's not. You know, people are going into 2022 and starting their business strategy meetings for next year and they're going to be looking at numbers. I want a 25% increase in this. I want this. Okay, but what's the dream? What do you all want? So we teach dreaming, and so we get your dreams, then we look to see what's in the way. And the first place we go is what Dr. David Hawkins uncovered, which is that 80% of a human being's inner dialogue, your thoughts, 80% are negative. And 95% of your 80% that's negative is the same shit you thought yesterday. You know, I'm 62 years old and when I look in the mirror, I Have a hot date this week. And I look in the mirror, I'm like, oh, what's a new line on my face? That's the same shit I thought yesterday. It's not anything new. But now watch. If 80% of my inner dialogue is negative. Your inner dialogue is what gives you your actions and gives you your results. So how to impact your results in your life is we got to deal with who's talking to you. And so Handel method named your 80%. And the three voices that we have named that we make you deal with, right in your first and second session with us and in our interview, our digital online coaching program is. You've got a chicken voice. That's the avoider. That's the 1. My NFL player Justin Pugh wrote me a text and he said, beth, I thought of you today. I had to speak at the state senate of Arizona. And he sends me the clip. And he did great. He goes, my chicken didn't want me to do it, but I told him to fuck off. So that would be your chicken voice. Then we have you meet your brat. That's the defiant voice. That's the one who's like, oh, you're so stressed. You need a whole box of Oreo cookies. You need to have some ice cream. Oh, you need a third party scotch. Oh, don't exercise, don't meditate. You don't need it. That would be the brat, the defiant one who runs certain areas of your life. Then there's the weather reporter. That's the subtlest of the three, but just as deadly. I'm sitting in Westchester and It's sunny and 82 degrees. There's nothing I can do about it other than dress accordingly. When I'm weather reporting in my life, I swear I'm letting you know the facts of sunny in 82. And I go, I have no time to work out. And you think, I have no time is as real as it's 82 degrees.

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So you've got the avoider, the chicken, the defiant one, the brat and the excuse maker, the weather reporter. And we make you actually meet them because those voices are not God talking to you. They're not even you talking to you. And you don't know that. You listen to it when it talks crap about you, like, oh, you're not going to be able to do that. And you go, I know, like it's real. And so we teach you how your chicken, brat and weather reporter, although they're your board of directors and cannot be fired, you should shut them down because they're not you and they get you in trouble every time. And that's where we start to get you out of your way. So that's coaching.

Wow, that's a lot to process. And yes, I can definitely identify with the chicken voice. I mean, to me, I would think that some people have one voice that's louder or more predominant than the other ones.

Yes, Exactly. Like my CEO that I just started coaching. The 28 year old, he not a chicken. In his business, that kid is flying. But where he's a chicken is with his wife. They've been married a year and a month. They love each other, but he's a complete chicken there. And he could see that. Then he could see he's more bratty at work. So everyone's different. So that's why as you go through whether it's our coaching or our online digital program of interu, you're going to start to meet what is going to get in the way of your dreams. So we can teach you how to cut it out. And we're not going to talk about it. We are not. I already put them in prom. We're not talking about. Okay, well, I don't know that. Again, we're not those people. We are action based. Let's get you what you want. Let's go.

Do you find that people can still have success? Because to me, it's interesting that you bring just as much importance to business as you do the personal life, which I think is unique for me, coming from my business background, I didn't often hear people talk about your personal life. It didn't seem to be relevant. Right. If you were just looking at growing companies and, you know, acquiring companies, whatever. Do you find that people can reach massive success in business if they aren't paying attention to their personal life or do the two have to be connected somehow?

No, there's so many people who are, you know, I happen to speak to c Suite executives, right? I've got all my coaches speak to, you know, various levels, right. But C suite executives are incredibly successful. You're already a C suite executive. Right, but that doesn't mean you're not condescending. That doesn't mean you're not mean to people. We all have what sucks about us. We have what's great about us. Oh, my God, yes. Not even a question. But Handel Method is not going to get paid to discuss how great you are. High. Yes, we're here. You're paying us to go deal with whatever cavities and pollution you get in trouble with. That's make a mess, right? Whether it's in your personal life or business. And we all have bad traits, right? Well, welcome to mine. Like, you know, there's what's great about me. And then, oh my God, I can be such a bitch. And that's not okay. I don't want to be a bitch to my daughter or anyone who works for me or any man that I'm with. That is not okay. But welcome to my lineage where, yes, I've got those parents. And so we then teach. How do you change behavior that, you know, impacts people not in a way you want? And we do that. We teach you how to stop being a jerk.

Beth, one of the things that you have to be able to do in your line of work quickly is develop trust. How do you do that?

So the bigger question is more. We've been in business 18 years. We're that successful. We teach at Stanford, business folk accredit, Harvard, Yale, MIT for the last 15 years, maybe 16 years. We're with some of the biggest companies, the sports. The Olympic committee hired me. So really, do I need to discuss that? I know how to get my job done. So there now individually, you're now hired me. I had my first session with the CEO this morning at 10:00am he already hired me. So he was already like kind of in. And then you do your first homework assignment, which is interview, which like, as he said, he wrote me a note like, beth, this is badass. This is rocking. So you meet us through that and you already know. And then we get on the session and you and I have to have a relationship. You have to feel safe with me. You have to feel not judged. You know, you're going to tell me your dark secrets that you were taken to the grave. And I'm not going to go, oh my God, that's disgusting. I'll give you one of mine, right? So how I make it safe is. Would you like, to hear what an asshole I am. I am not on any pedestal at all, right? And you know that immediately because I'll tell you anything. You know, there's what's great about me, but should I discuss what sucks? I'm divorced twice. Then the third man cheated on me, right? Like, I pick putzes. I'm an asshole in the arena of love, right? And I'm like, I have a date with this guy this weekend. I'm so excited because he's as big as an asshole as I. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is so exciting. We're both jerks in this. We could do be good team members, like, but really, right? Like, so. So we make it. All my coaches are trained to make it safe. We're not on any pedestal. I think we're better than anybody.

Well, you just made that crystal clear, right? Have you ever been intimidated by one of your clients, seeing as how you have some of the biggest name clients in the world?

Have I been intimate here? I'll give you a great story. I coached. I'm not going to give his name. Everyone would know him in the sports world. NFL hall of Famer for like two years, plus his wife, plus bunches of his people adore him. And he sends me. He's going to now send me to go meet the commissioner of hockey. NHL. Rock on. I know who I am. I don't. And I hate sports. So that's part of why they love hiring me, because I hate fucking football. I don't like any sports, right? I'm not fascinated by. Oh, you're a football player. All right, so I'm walking in the taxi. It's New York City. Taxi drops me off. I'm walking towards the revolving door. And here begins my inner dialogue that, thank God, I caught on the way. As I'm walking, I'm like, who the fuck am I? You're an idiot. You're not a sports psychologist. You don't even know anything about hockey. Oh, my God. I'm going to disappoint my NFL player. Oh, my God. What am I doing here? How did I even get here? Why am I doing now? This is all within one minute. I have now destroyed myself to that we should probably turn around and get out, right? And as I'm in the revolving door, as I continue to hear her kill me, I then finally hear her as who she is. And I in the revolving door, go, shut the fuck up. Like, get off of me. You're not allowed in here with me. Walked in, had the best meeting with him. We adored each other, and that was that. So the only thing that intimidates me is when my voice decides I'm an idiot, I'm stupid, I'm not good enough. I'm not this. It's her who discusses it that I have to know to shut her down. And that's what we teach, is that the voice that starts, whether it's on you or your husband or your boss or a worker that you're quietly grumbling about if you don't hear that is not the truth, it will run whatever meeting you're in. And so I'm trained enough to be able to catch it, but, oh, she discusses. I can't shut her off, but she will discuss, I have to catch it. And that's what we teach people. So, yes, but then I know who I am, and I can shut her down.

And shutting her. What are some of the strategies you teach to shut that voice down?

The most important part is you have to hear her or him. If you hear him or her for what they really are, then it's easy. The problem is that you really do think. When she says, oh, my God, you look awful today. You suck. How are you going to get this? You're like, yeah. And you, like, get on. Like if you. You were getting on a train for an hour ride. It's like you get on a train with your inner dialogue to discuss how crappy you are, and you get sucked in. So the first thing is to be able to hear it and smell it like it ain't real. And then once you do the moment, you can go, oh, that's my chicken. It's over. Because it just stopped the moment you see it. And then if it starts again, I go violent on her because she can get loud. I go, shut the fuck up. So I teach. One of my great stories is the Olympic committee hired me to make sure at the Winter Olympics that this skater got into the Olympics the four years before she hadn't. They gave six sessions to make sure she got into the Olympics all right. And I did. She got into the Olympics. She won a medal. But what I had to teach her was to shut her down. And you'll see her if you go, look at her long program and the nationals, and they pan in her face before she starts. You watch her say, shut the fuck up. And when they asked her, I saw it, I laughed hysterically. And I texted her after. And then she laughed. She said, the media asked me what I said. I told them it was a Japanese prayer.

But I love to hear that top performance athletes like Olympians still have negative self talk just like everybody else.

Everyone does. The top NFL players in the world, that's what they hire me for, right? Or I was just coaching. I'm not gonna. I can't say her name. So I was just coaching a leading actor. Okay. Everyone knows her. And she was giving me her inner dialogue. It was amazing. And I'm like, do your best friends know that you go here? Does anyone know that you travel here? She goes, oh, no, I'm not telling people. I'm like, do you know the difference it would make on the planet to the actors of this world if they know you still have these conversations? Do you know the impact you can make? It's like what I told Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child, who I adore and love and her book of checking in was, I knew that she was dealing with her well being. I knew. And all I would do is, Michelle, you got to tell people. You can't keep it a secret. It's going to make such a profound difference on the planet if you actually tell people in L people, right? And obviously she did now, right? So you can't take that shit to the grave.

I love how you just framed it in regards to Michelle that, you know, people oftentimes when they get in their own head, oh, nobody's going to care about Mike Jones. No one's going to. This doesn't relate to anyone. But when you make it about that one person that you could help, that's oftentimes a little push people need, right?

And then she's now so like the whole world, she's out to take care of people's mental well being, get them to deal. But all she had to do that she'd been hiding that stuff. People hide that. Except to know that when people know that their boss is not on a pedestal and that he or she is as human as they are and deals with things and apologizes and own things, they will stay with you for a very long time. That's what our workshop is, building an honest culture. Like if you actually build an honest culture, productivity skyrockets and people then are loyal and turnover is way less because they have the freedom to be able to tell you that that didn't work for them and that upset them that you hurt my feelings when you did that in the meeting.

Wow. That is. I personally have been in cultures in corporate America that were completely toxic, the antithesis of what you just described. You had to pretend to be perfect. Pretend to always have the answer. Nobody wanted to hear the honest feedback and to watch the dysfunction and the loss of revenue, the loss of talent, the loss of people as a result, it's crippling.

That's unbelievable. Exactly. So it does take be very clear. It does take incredible courage to be willing to do the work that we do because it's going to be deep. We're going to have you deal, hold you to account. But on the other side of it, it's the most incredible life on the other side because you're going to be authoring all of it and dealing with all of it. And then when you get a CEO who's willing to let us into the company of 5,000 people like that, like we have a joint venture with Michael Rapinoe and Live Nation and we really are in the whole company as he wants because we're lifting the bar of integrity and learning to human better. It just makes such a huge difference. But the courage it takes for a CEO to let us in to up the ante and work with people on their humanity, it's a big deal.

But Beth, you're offering a free coaching with you. Can you share with our listeners what the opportunity is?

Yes. Okay, everyone on August and I never do this. Never. So this is like a first time in my 18 years that I'm ever doing this. So it is a free free free. On August 19th for two hours, 12:30 Eastern Time, I am going to be leading a free workshop on designing your dreams. So I'm going to coach you on how to design your dreams. I'm going to then show you what's going to get in your way. Your chicken brat and weather reporter. We're going to do a whole exercise on that. And then I'm going to teach you how to get out of hell so you're not a chicken brat and weather reporter with giving you how do you get out of hell? And that's going to be in two hours. There's going to be coaching. It's going to be zoom. There are going to be many people. It's free. For those of you who know Handel and love us, this is your chance to bring the people that you've been wanting them to come see what this is all about. It's free, so it'll be in your link. August 19th, dreaming and getting out of your way for two hours with me.

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for bringing this to light for everyone. Everyone needs to dream bigger. Everyone needs to step into their authenticity. And this is an amazing gift bet that you're giving everyone. Thank you so much for doing it.

You're welcome, Heather.

All right, so be sure, guys, check the show notes. We have got the link there for you. Go now. August 19th, this is one time only, two hours free coaching with Beth. This is the woman that charges a lot, a lot of money for the biggest names out there like Gary Vee. So definitely I will see you August 19th with Beth. Thank you, Beth.

You're welcome.

I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one sees you.

Don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it.

Come on this journey with me.