#143: What Happens When You Realize That YOU Are Enough with Lisa Lampanelli

So I had lived my life beating myself up for a year about something that didn't even happen. And six pounds, who cares? We're judging ourselves by, oh, I didn't make it up to the top level of having a sitcom. I didn't make it to where I was a size zero. You know, guess what? We did ok. We're never going to be the best, we're never going to be the worst. We're somewhere in between. And that's ok. Come on this journey.

With me each week when you join.

Me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow.

I'm ready for my close up.

Hi, and welcome back. I am so excited for you to have actually, I was going to say my amazing guest this week, but my amazing guest this week was actually one of my first guests ever in 2019 when I launched the show. But today I have the amazing announcement of having Lisa Lampanelli, a storyteller, performer and inspiration to millions, back on the show. She's got a career that spanned more than 30 years. Lisa was a constant on the comedy scene. Numerous tours, Grammy nominations, national TV guest appearances and specials under her belt. Lisa made headlines in 2012 when she lost more than 100 pounds with the help of bariatric surgery. The comedian went on to speak with unflinching honesty about her lifelong food and body image issues. She's since gone from insulter to inspire major change. She announced her retirement from stand up comedy on the Howard Stern radio program in late 2018 and is dedicating her life to performing in storytelling shows, inspiring others and being here as a guest today. Lisa, thank you so much for coming on.

Oh my God, of course. I'm here with my little rescue dog Parker, who is so needy that God forbid his mother wouldn't be retired. Like, thank God, I'm essentially retired now. Hang out with my two dumb dogs. I think they would freak out if I didn't. So yes, I am happily working on very little these days and thrilled to tell you about it.

I can't believe it. The pace at which that you kept for so many years, Lisa, is it's gotta be exhausting. I mean, when you look back, do you miss that pace or are you happier to be taking it easy now?

I have to tell you, we were chatting off the air before we came on and I was reading about retirement and when I retired from standup, I literally can say I honestly telling you the truth, when I say there's not one thing I Miss about the old life. Like literally nothing. What's to miss? Seeing different hotels, airports and theaters every day. The only thing I miss is talking about myself, which my podcast, which I'll tell you more about later. You know that that obviously is a nice outlet for that. Cause I could show people, you know, some of my wisdom and I've learned along the way. But dude, like, there's literally such a hard life with comedy that thank God I was raised by depression era parents who were like, save your money and if you don't want to do it anymore, you don't have to. And I think I'm finally, after all these years of like, ooh, do I do nothing? Do I do a little of this? Do I do a little of that? Do I just sit around and pretend I have hobbies? Which btw, I don't. What's the balance in retirement? Because I think a lot of people struggle with it, but there's no books about it. I found one book on retiring the mental and emotional stress and grief of it. So it's very interesting to be going through that and I'm glad I'm learning.

Well, I mean, good for you. You're always learning, you're always evolving. I mean, you're constantly embracing these transitions that you go through and you're so real in sharing it. I don't know many people that are retiring. It's not like you have to, first of all, right, you have shows that you can be doing, you have audiences, you have huge following. So what was making you say, okay, I want to start dialing it back even more.

So I think what happens is we get on a track of some sort and you start doing clubs. And it's the same stuff, parallels anyone in business or any career. You start doing clubs, you start getting paid, you start doing theaters, if you're lucky, tv, film, and then you start doing Radio City, Carnegie hall and next Madison Square Garden. And it literally dawns on you one day that none of this is filling the hole. Like there's a hole inside that we're all trying to fill with some kind of achievement that never gets filled with that. And the only thing that fills us from the inside is self love. And that's the thing we forget to work on. Or at least I did. So when I started noticing my own life that I didn't love doing standup anymore, I hate to travel. Like I literally now if you told me I never had to go outside of my state again, I'd be thrilled. Cause I just. That's not me. I'm not born that way. So you start noticing, and then you go, huh, well, if I don't like it, why am I doing it? And I don't want the audience to start seeing that. And now it's sort of after three years or so of trying different, experimenting with what do I want to fill my time with? I do very little. But the stuff I do, I look in my calendar and I'm like, oh, I love that. Oh, I love that. I love that. And there's nothing that's horrible. And there was a lot that was horrible, but of my own doing, getting on some track of, like, ooh, find acceptance through comedy. Try to connect through comedy. How about I connect in my real life? How about I go to the store and say hi to the clerk and not be in such a rush? Like, there's connection everywhere. And it doesn't just have to come through show business or work.

It's so interesting. You say that for a long time, and I think this happens to most people, is that you get in some track, whatever it is, business, comedy, whatever. And that you don't pick your head up to think, I'm not really happy going to work every day. I don't really love this.

No.

You start thinking, this is what I'm supposed to do. I have to pay the bills. This is the decision I made. Like, there's no chance that you could just pump the brakes and try to do something different, right?

And what's funny is everyone can change. And what they do and they say. I think they say, now people have three different careers throughout their life. Instead, it used to be three different jobs. Now it's like three different careers fully. And I did. And I'm like, oh, why can't I change? I mean, no, I could always move to a small house, like, which I did. I could always, like, you know, something fancy. Which that was just another attempt to fill the hole. Like, why do I have to be fancy? Like, why do I have to buy the clothes and the shoes and the bags and all this ridiculous stuff? Because it never fills, that internal thing. So we get scared to change, though, because with any change, even if it's a good one, there's a loss. So if I changed from unhappy celebrity comic to happy retiree, there's still loss and grief, and we're afraid to feel it because there's a loss of identity. There's the, wow, I'm not somebody anymore in anyone else's eyes. I'm just kind of this chick who kind of Goes to the store and does her little ballroom dance class and does her podcast, and she's kind of just like us. So, again, there's a loss. You feel it. And the key is going, well, It's a change for the better, but I'm still going to have to feel that grief and sadness and get through it instead of not feel it. So I think that's why people are just afraid to change. And I get it. It's hard.

I like that point that you made, that change is representing some kind of loss. I don't really think of it consciously that way, the way that articulated it. So thank you for saying that, because we are all being hit with so much change. And with it, we're not necessarily stopping to say, oh, my gosh, I just gave up or lost something as a result of this, even if it is something good, like you just mentioned.

Yeah, your life can get better, but you're still going to have loss from the past that you have to go through. And everybody thinks grief is just about when someone dies. And it's like there's. We talked about on my podcast, Death of a Dream is huge. Which is basically, say someone always wanted kids but ended up couldn't. You still have to grieve the kids you didn't have? If somebody wanted to say me, it would be, you know, say it was Madison Square Garden, even though that wasn't a huge dream, say it was. I would have to grieve that. And there's nothing wrong with feeling sad. You obviously don't want to get stuck in it and have what they call complicated grief, which is where your life cannot move on, and you have to really figure out why you're stuck. But it helps you get through it. It helps you go, oh, I'm allowed to be sad and move on. And it's just. It's astounding to me. I just cannot believe how much better life can be if you change it. But going through it is hard.

Going through the change is. That's the hard part, because you don't know what's on the other side. It isn't guaranteed that Lisa Lampanelli is going to be happy if she is the retired comedic person. Like you said, you're willing to give up the loss not knowing what's on the other side, and that's really scary.

Yeah. What helps people through. I think what helped me was, like, we never know what's on the other side of anything. Like, literally, who knows what will happen when I step out the door today to get the mail. Like, who knows what will happen if I go in the backyard? Like, you just don't know. So when we go, wow, we really are powerless and we really can't control anything. And people like me, who've been brought up the way I have, we have control issues. We want everybody to do what we say, and we want our life to go as planned. Nothing goes as planned. And resilience. I noticed too. Like, everybody throws around the word resilience. I had tons when it came to career. Like, I bounced back. I do this none in real life. I didn't know how to come back after argument with someone. I didn't know how to come back and say, I'm sorry. I didn't know how to come back when it was, you know, getting knocked down from some bumped off somebody's list for a party. Like, I just was like, how do you. How do people keep coming back? And now, oh, I did it with comedy, but not in my life. And now I'm learning how to keep doing comebacks, which is funny because when we first met, I was doing retirement one way, which was definitely still busyness, which was like, I was trying to be a life coach, which I found out I didn't like because I don't like being a coach. I like telling people what to do and giving advice and then dumping them. Basically, that's my, my goal. And if you don't take it, you're an idiot. Because I'm so smart.

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So like I don't like that. And I was trying to do a very visible podcast on podcast one and I'm like, okay, that was still trying. That was still like a full time job. So I'm like that's not retiring. And then it went to okay, I'm gonna. After my mom passes, I was like, I'm not gonna do anything. And I literally got rid of like I downsized my houses. I was, I bought the house I grew up in from her. It's so and little and I have the dogs. And I was like I'm just gonna sit and I'm gonna enjoy life and declutter. And I'm like, well that lasted six months. And I'm like, okay, what brings me joy and a little happiness? And I started just experimenting these little tiny pursuits like little and small. And I just go oh my God. I have cute little hobbies that don't look like anyone else's. They're not knitting or quilting or drawing. I have no talent whatsoever and that stuff. But what can I do? I like talking, I like writing. So very small quantities. So I don't feel like I'm back in the grind. And there's no goal with a capital G. It's living. You know what it is? It's like living with a ton of small G goals. No big one. Like, there's no big G goal in my life other than to like myself. So that'll be when I'm 80. Cause, like, you know, I gotta work on it for 20 years till I really like myself. I think I got 20 more years left, but I'm like, wow. Everything else is just fun and light and little G. And I have to pull it back if it becomes a goal because then I'll get back on the standup comedy. Not physically doing standup, but I'll get in that mindset of, like, it's never enough. It's like right now, if I quit everything, I'm enough. And it's just learning that. So it's a very. It's an interesting place to be in that not a lot of people talk about.

It's profound. It's really big. If you could go back, do you wish you had learned this earlier or do you think that would have hurt your career if you were willing to let go of these things?

I would have been willing to not have much of a career if I had more self love, definitely. Like, who cares? Money means literally nothing. We'll always. We're all, you know, not every person on earth but you and I, people listening probably will always have a roof over our head. We'll always have food in the fridge. We'll be fine. We'll find a friend here or there or a relative. We can always stay with someone. So the fact is, if I could have done things with. Oh, that sounds like a cute thing. Stand up comedy. Oh, I'm gonna, like, keep the mindset I did when I was an open micr. Cause that's the best time ever. When you're a comic is just starting out, not getting paid, sitting at the diner with the guys afterwards and just being like, hey, man, what do you think of this joke? What do you think of that? And I'm like, what's funny? That level is a blast. And then the stakes start going up and you gotta stay, quote unquote, on top of whatever it is. Do your. Like, I did a ton of Tonight shows. I did a ton of roasts. I did five Comedy Central and HBO specials. I mean, it was rarefied air. So it's cute to remember that and go, oh, that's cute. Like, I got to stay in these fancy places. I. But you go, did it really do anything? Not really. Because when you go back and you start thinking of what I really remember as far as heartwarming things that I did, it's like, oh, that person who came up after and said the show helped them through their life, or past grief, which was huge for me. Or, oh, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my whole family for the first time when I was 50, or whatever it is. Those are the things I remember. And I'm like, oh, yeah, Radio City, that's fine. I'm not ashamed of an accomplishment. We should all feel proud. But then recognize it's work. It really wasn't anything else. It just work. Everybody's just going to work. So I would have. I would have loved less success, more real connection with my life and myself, and that would have been really cool. But I wasn't brought up that way. It wasn't my journey. And thank God, I always laugh because I go, the best thing money can do right now for me, if I need therapy seven days a week, I can afford it. So it's almost like you use whatever you have to show for your career to make yourself better and the world better, hopefully. Because if you're better in the world, everyone around you feels it.

I also think people didn't talk about this kind of stuff years ago, not even five years ago. I didn't really hear about this. And. And your message is essentially self love first, and that's the quality of life, and that's the goal. That's the real goal. Right? But no one taught any of us that growing up or even as a young adult, I certainly didn't know and I certainly don't have it figured out now. However, I'm aware of it because of conversations like this one. So at least we have the awareness. And then hopefully someone's hearing this today and thinking, oh, this is a good reminder that I don't just have to check the box to check the box. Maybe I could spend a little time with myself doing something that's special for me. And that could be the goal today, 100%.

I think the biggest thing to remember is three words. You are enough. And if that is the goal, that by the end of your life, starting today, you can start to figure out how to know you're enough without accomplishing one more thing. You are not your accomplishments, you are not your money in the bank. You are anything other than you were put on this earth to be you. And I'm like, wow, if I could be a little less angry tomorrow, if I could be a little more kind and hold the door tomorrow, if I could be a little more patient with the old person tomorrow, it's like, oh, that's why I was put here. I wasn't put here to make money and to be fabulous. It's like, it's kind of like pretty basic. Like, it's not hard to figure out if you slow down. I'm sure you. You get this too, dude. You've always understood it. We don't slow down. Like there's. Because shit comes up. Like, dude, like today even I had the whole morning off and I was like, oh, my God, things are coming up. Oh, I'm doing too much. I feel I have to something. Oh, my God, Notice it, figure out the feeling, work through it. And then you're better off because then you can fully be present for whatever you do that day. But slowing down makes you feel and think, and no one wants to do any of that stuff because that's hard. That's a hard thing. Hard earning millions of dollars. It's hard feeling, you know, well, and.

Also, especially depending on how you were growing up. You know, I was a middle child and I definitely was an overachiever. So I started noticing at a very young age when I get mvp, when I, you know, hit the ball out of the park, I'm get. People are excited with me. I've got to do that again. I like how that I want people to come. And I'm not going to lie. I'm 47. I still love what I give a keynote speech, and people come up to me and say, oh, that was a. I get so excited.

It's hard.

It's hard to detach from that feedback.

But there's not a problem with being if liking that feedback, that's badass. Like, I was at a comedy club to support a friend the other day, and like, I got recognized so much. I don't get recognized that much anymore because of my hair and because I lost all the weight. And, you know, most of my appearances were before that, but a lot of people were travels and they're like, oh, my God, that's her and stuff. It's so much fun to have people come up. Even I was at a ballroom dance thing. Cause I ballroom dance badly twice a week. And my goal now is to do everything badly because it's just more fun. Like, what am I gonna try to be all fancy and be on Dancing with the Stars. No. And one of the original Dancing with the Stars dancers was on. Was at this event. And it was. He was my mom's favorite and she just loved him. So I had to go tell him. And I got a kick out of the fact that he knew who I was, that he was like, oh, we'll have to have dinner with me, you and my wife. And I was like, well, that felt good, but be careful. See, my thing is you can't need it. You have to enjoy it. Like the money or anything else, it's not saying downplay accomplishments or money or a nice car. It's saying, yeah, I like it, but I can't need it. The only thing I think I really actually, you know, I've been listening so much to the minimalist podcast that I'm like, we don't really need anything. We like literally need a small to live and food. Like, that's kind of it. We don't even need people. I mean, we want them. It makes our life more pleasant. I love my dogs, but we don't need a lot. And I think it's funny, I was at a friend's house yesterday and she was talking how she wanted to be a. A screenwriter, and they live in a gorgeous like multimillion dollar house. And I'm like, well, you don't need this house. Oh, yes we do. And at that point, like, you don't argue with people, you just go, okay, no, that's great, because that's her journey. Nobody could have told me two years ago I didn't need a multimillion dollar house. It's hilarious. Why the f does one person and ten pounds of dog need a house like that? And yes, I think we're all afraid to downsize to what is really resonating with us on the inside instead of this outside stuff. So yeah, again, you can't argue to people into your journey. That's their path. But you got to recognize your own self of how you are reacting on your journey. Which is why I got out in the first place.

I feel like having watched you and knowing about your history, you started this. This isn't brand new for you. You started this process a few years ago. You started giving up the clothes in the bags. You started giving up. You let go of the weight, right? Like, you started making these changes where you were dropping things through time to get you now to where you're okay now, dropping the next layer of things.

A husband and thank God we're still friends. I had a very pleasant divorce. The husband, I think starting 50 years old up was. And I just turned 60. I think that's the. That's when all the shedding started again. It's not that deliberate. I need to rid my house of everything. I have a lot of stuff, but it's all sentimental. And again, do I need all that? No. I still remember my parents and everyone in my life. So it did start with the more the stuff that was very surfacey, you know, the bad marriage, the wait, the too many places to live, the too expensive stuff, furniture, all that. I was like, oh, that's cute, I can get rid of that. Don't need any of that. And then it became career. It's like I've literally minimized my whole life and it feels so much better because they say if you want something and a happier life, you don't add things. It's what you take out. So if I'm taking out meaningless things, other meaningful things rush in to fill that and it's like, oh, it's okay for your drawers. I just gave my nephew you laugh. I have these very hips cool nieces and nephews who are musicians and skateboarders and stuff. So they love all these old 90s sweaters that my mom had. So I saved him about. Oh God, I saved them like 20 of them. And he's like, oh, these are so badass. They're gonna love these at school. And they're awful, but they love them. Kids gave it to him and I said, hey Tanner, isn't it interesting? There's two empty drawers here now and I don't have to fill them. And he's like, wow, that's cool. And I'm like, yeah, it's cool to have empty drawers in our schedule, in our house, in our life, and in our. Because it lets stuff in when you want more.

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Like, can you imagine, like the stuff that's just been rushing into my life in the past two years that make it full, like these weird little connections with real people? I'm like, oh, how did I end up with so many cute acquaintances and little things to do and fun hobbies? Because I had to empty it first and then not feel empty and see what comes in to say yes to.

I talk a lot about firing your villains, firing negative people from your life to open up space to allow good things to come in. And it's such an appropriate analogy for what you're explaining because I haven't thought about it the way that you articulated it, that it's not about what you're adding to your life, it's what you're subtracting from it so something better can be added.

Yeah, like I used to always use that when I would talk about men or relationships because I've like, if you're holding onto something, your hands aren't open to receive. So I always thought about when it came to men or bad relationships. But then I'm like, oh my God, it's the whole your whole life. To give you a shameless plug with a quick story for my podcast. And again, something I do out of just love for the two people I'm doing it with. I literally was asked by a niece of mine to go see this standup comic who was just starting a few years ago before COVID I said, oh, he's got something. And then it was fine. I was like, I'll give him some notes. That's it. Bumped into him during COVID at a ups. No problem. Reconnected after Covid and I overheard him and another male comic, straight guys, white guys, talking so freaking deep and vulnerable. I'm like, okay, wait a minute. I've never heard two straight guys talk with such feelings and emotions and vulnerability to each other. I go, this is a podcast. So we decided to put this thing together. It's called Losers with a dream. What happens is they talk about a big issue that I make them talk about, and it's hard. It's acceptance, vulnerability. We did Fear of Success. We did all that deep stuff you and I talk about and that we read about. And then I go in for a half hour and life coach them and make fun of them and have a good time. So it's kind of roasty, too, that rushed in meeting these guys. Rushed in because I had enough time and space to notice when my niece said, let's go see this guy, I wasn't squeezing it in, going, but I'm very important. I have so much to do. I'll give you 10 minutes. It was because, oh, that's cute. My niece wants to do that. And then I just kept noticing what worked and made me feel joyful and peaceful. And I've never worked on a project. It's so weird, I would say, since those open mics when I first started comedy, that I cannot wait to get to that studio. Cannot wait. We have a writing meeting every week, and we're writing a sitcom pitch that will never be made because, you know, networks are so crazy, and it's okay just to have fun with it. I'm like, wow, that's just pure joy. And I get a. I think getting a kick out of something is something I didn't notice before. So I think that shows that when you have that little empty space inside to have some fun, you can say yes to the right stuff. So that's why I like it.

What's the name of the show, Lisa?

Oh, yeah, it's called Losers with a Dream, and that's from one of the Comedy Central roasts. When I used to talk about the whole dais of comics and people up on the stage, I would say, but enough about these losers with a dream. Let's talk about Hulk Hogan. Whatever. And the reason we call the podcast that. And I gave them that name, I said, because we're all kind of losers, but we all have dreams. So I've lost in certain ways. We've all have loss in our lives. And these guys are kind of like, nah, we suck at dating. We suck at life, kind of.

And work.

But we're really trying. So we all have that dream of having fulfillment. So that's why I like the show called that because it's cheeky. But it also, we're all kind of losers, and that's okay. We're all misfits. We're all the island of misfit toys. We're all dented cans trying to bang out the dents. Thank God we're the people trying to bang the dents out instead of being the dented cans who run around and just hurt people.

Oh, it's so true. Hurt people are out there hurting people now more than ever. You see it online.

It's crazy, right? And I'm just like, I've been a hurtful person in my life in instances, definitely. And I said when I retired, if anyone had their feelings hurt, they should definitely contact me and I would apologize because, boy, it's powerful when you get an apology. I've gotten some and given some, and it's transformative. So I really like to go, okay, just because I was hurt in my life doesn't mean I have to hurt you. And it's owning that stuff and starting.

To forgive yourself for those things, for those mistakes and let it go and not torture yourself over it.

Well, it's interesting you say that because I still beat myself up a lot for various things. Like, it's interesting with the weight and food stuff has been so rampant, especially with COVID It's like people are beating themselves up for gaining Covid weight. And I remember I was like, oh, I had weight loss surgery 11 years ago, kept my weight off. It's like a miracle because so many people don't. And I literally, in Covid, was convinced in my head because I'm so eating disordered, that I had gained 20 pounds. I would not put on anything but sweats. And I get on a scale a year later, and I had gained six. So I had lived my life beating myself up for a year about something that didn't even happen. And then what I did was I was talking to my shrink about it. I'm like, I'm going to forgive myself for those six pounds. And if they don't go anywhere, they don't go anywhere. And six pounds, who cares? We're judging ourselves by, oh, I didn't make it up to the top level of having a sitcom. I didn't make it to where I was a size zero. You know, guess what? We did ok. We're never going to be the best. We're never going to be the worst. We're somewhere in between, and that's okay.

Lisa, you're so happy. You're so genuine. I am so happy for you. I'm so happy to see you continue to evolve and be stepping into doing something that brings you so much joy. So thank you for creating this show. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. It means the world. For people to hear someone who they have on a pedestal out there because of all of the work that you did in the world, of everything that you created, to now be this vulnerable and real just. It means so much. Thank you for doing it.

Oh, my God. I love you, dude. And honestly, I remember when we did our first thing, and I was like, she's cool. Like, I literally reach out to very few people about going on their podcasts and stuff, because, you know, again, this is a labor of love. It's, you know, just fun. I was like, heather was cool as f. And plus, you're super hot. And one of my co hosts has said he will marry you instantly because you're so pretty and smart. I like when guys recognize that girl's pretty and smart. So that's how evolved they are.

Oh, my gosh. So evolved. I so appreciate it. Well, where can we find the show?

Yeah, everywhere. It's on Apple. It's on Spotify. It's called Losers with a Dream. We have almost 20 episodes out. I am so freaking proud of these millennials who can actually talk about stuff. That's deep. I'm shocked because when I was 30, I couldn't. This is as vulnerable as I can get. And I'm 60, and I'm like, how am I learning from people my age? Especially men? So, yeah, they can find it everywhere. It's really funny, but it's very heartfelt, too, and there's a few tears from me occasionally. I'm a big mushy heart when I have to be, so I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, thank you so much, Lisa. I love you too. It was so great to see you and everyone. Check out the show. Lisa never disappoints.

Yay. I love you, dude. I'll talk to you soon.

Talk to you soon. Thanks, guys. I decided to show change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one succeeds alone.

You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it.

Come on this journey with me.