#170: STOP Holding Yourself Back With Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me. We are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Fasten your seatbelt. I'm ready for my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so excited you're back here with me this week. Okay, this is so serendipitous and weird, but you're hearing this a week after I'm recording it, which is so bizarre. Who knows what's going on in the world? Who knows what great thing has happened that we weren't aware of when I was recording this?

So.

So it's Funny, back in 2019, my son and I went to Thanksgiving back home, which for me is back in Massachusetts with some of my best friends and their kids. And it just. It's something that we like to do every year that we can. We weren't able to do it last year because of COVID but when I started reminiscing about 2019 Thanksgiving, here's what happened. My son and I were at the airport. I had just given my first TEDx talk, and we were having dinner, getting ready to board our flight. I looked down at an alert from my phone and found out that my TEDx talk had just been posted to TEDx YouTube everywhere around the world. Now you might think, oh, how exciting. No, not exciting. It was Wednesday night, the night before Thanksgiving. Basically the worst time you could post your TEDx talk. You want your TEDx talk to come out when nothing's going on so that people are actually gonna click on it and listen to it. Not the night before Thanksgiving when everyone's out partying and celebrating and with friends and family and not looking for TEDx talks to listen to. So that was a real bummer. I had worked so, so hard at that talk. For months. I worked on this thing. It was the most important speech I'd ever given, the shortest speech I'd ever given, 10 minutes long, and the toughest speech I'd ever given. So it was a bummer. And I'll tell you, I liken that kind of. To now with Overcome youe Villains coming out. The same week Will Smith's book came out. The same week that Adele dropped her new album, the same week Taylor Swift dropped her new album, and the same week that there were all these shipping delays and supply chain issues. So things just didn't come together the way we had hoped. And it's funny in hindsight, in 2018, I wrote and self published my first book, Confidence Creator. I didn't have any challenges. Everything worked out perfectly. It came out the day it was supposed to. Everything shipped right on mark. There were no competing books or shows or. It just went really easy. And it's just so funny to see the further along I've come, right, the more I've built a community, the more I've invested in myself and shown up every day, the more challenges have come. Like, you'd think it would be the opposite when you first start out, that it would be super challenging, but it wasn't. I wrote and self published my first book in five months. It was super seamless. Not a lot of problems. I mean, there were challenges, but nothing as big as what I faced recently. So I don't know. It's interesting to look back. You can never see the dots connecting when you're in it, but you have to be outside of it to look back and say, okay, now I see how it all worked out. To that end, what's interesting is my second book, Overcome youe Villains. Ever since I started promoting it, my first book has started selling like crazy again. Confidence Creator. And what's interesting to me is I just kind of walked away from my first book, you know, after about a year after I was promoting it, I just kind of stopped. Because then I launched a podcast, then I launched a TedX talk. Then I taught a class with my friend John Westman, who invited me to teach at a Harvard extension night program and started teaching there. Then I got appointed to the board of directors. Like, everything just kept changing and moving. So I sort of forgot about the first book. And you know, Forbes wrote an article about top five books every woman in business should buy in 2021. And it was my first book from 2018. So don't ever get frustrated about something you worked really hard on. Cause I've done that. And then I have to remind myself, wait a minute, just now in 2021, Confidence Creator is trying to. It's kind of catching fire again, which is so weird and interesting to me. Was never part of my plan. I didn't see this coming, right? But it's happening. And so for me, remembering two years ago today that I was about to board a flight like I am right now with my son, heading back to Boston, which we do in Thanksgiving, except for Covid. You know, I was so discouraged that that TEDx Talk launched the night before Thanksgiving. The perspective I have now is that, listen, the timing's not up to us, and sometimes the timing's not great, but it doesn't mean what we created isn't great. It is, right? We just have to have faith and move forward, knowing it will catch fire eventually. And I'm hoping that this is the time for my TEDx talk to start catching fire, because it certainly wasn't the night before Thanksgiving 2019. Okay. And I also share that just so people know things don't always go seamlessly right? Things don't just go super easy the way people think they might on social media. There's a lot of challenges along the way, a lot of bummer moments where you're just kind of like, what? Why? Maybe I'm not supposed to do this. Maybe this is the universe telling me to give up. But I've decided to see it as maybe all of this adversity is showing up and challenging me because I'm ready to break through and I just have to believe that it's going to happen no matter what. And maybe this is a test and when I choose to see it that way, I hit the gas pedal, I go faster and I keep that momentum going and I want that same for you. Okay? Because I'm obsessed with my new book, Overcome youe Villains. I hope you've got. If you haven't got it yet, can you please go buy it right now? Press pause on this, please and go order Overcome youe Villains. I promise you, guaranteed you will not be disappointed. And if you haven't bought all of your holiday gifts yet, which you need to, shipping is a major problem, guys. Major. Go ahead and order Overcome youe Villains right now. For anybody that doubts themselves or isn't living up to their potential, this is the book for them. Okay? I'm gonna take you to chapter five in my new book, Overcome youe Villains. Now, chapter five, take others off the pedestal and level your playing field. Your beliefs pave your way to success or block you. Marsha Sinitar. I hope I said that correctly. By the way, can you tell this is really me on the podcast right now? This is not my audible version. Oh, did I mention I narrate the audible version? And it's so good. I get this whole behind the scenes thing after each chapter. You gotta check it out. You will love the audible. Have you ever looked at others and imagined that their lives are perfect and that they don't have any problems? Have you thought they were better than you? Smarter than you? Different in a way you can't compare to? Do you realize every time you do that you are holding them to an unrealistic standard and putting yourself down? When you put others up on a Pedestal you put your yourself beneath them. The flight home from LA had wifi and I was checking my direct messages on social media. I had discovered that one of the ways to get rave reviews from my book was to personally respond to every dm. Pause. Okay, this is cut to now. Yeah, I'm still doing that. You have no idea how intense that is. That one to one response. And I'm grateful for everyone that DMs me. I'm grateful for everyone that supports me and it's a lot more work than you realize. Just letting you guys know on the inside track on that one. Okay, back to the book. This was time consuming, but it had a very positive effect on sales. So often people think you're killing it when in reality you are dying to break through all the noise out there. Every review and rating on Amazon and Audible was pure gold. Building my credibility as a self published first time authority. I was reading through the DMs when I almost fell out of my seat. My eyes were glued to a DM from an NBA player. He said that he had read my book and that confidence was a huge thing for him as a professional basketball player. Not only that, but he wanted to speak with me about my book.

What?

Okay, this was beyond comprehension to me. First thing, I was going to make sure I wasn't getting punked. It wouldn't be the first time. I dug into his profile, googled him and confirmed the DM was real. Knowing that everyone struggles with confidence is one thing, but then seeing it materialize from real people and now a professional athlete blew me away. I couldn't believe this was happening. The next day I got a call from his agent. He explained that this talented player was beyond exceptional and ready to go to the next level. However, there had been some recent challenges in his life. Injuries, personal situations had hit his confidence really hard and he was getting nervous. As the season was almost ready to kick off, he asked if I would meet with them. I panicked. I was spouting out crazy things like I can't. I'm swamped. There's no time. I'm heading to New York in the morning. The agent laughed. He said, great, we will be in New York tomorrow too. We will come to you. When we feel intimidated, we want to hide. This is never the answer. This could not be happening. Yes, I had written a book about my low moments and how I learned to create confidence. But I didn't know anything about coaching an NBA player who makes millions of dollars a year. I felt like a fraud. I also felt that if they met with me and I couldn't help them, I would be exposed as a fraud, an imposter. I was not in the best of spirits on my flight to New York. I was so stressed out. The crazy thing is that I was heading there for a book launch party put on by my friend Scott. I had met Scott the year before through LinkedIn when my ex fiance's daughter was considering going to NYU. I saw that Scott had connections there and I sent him a dm asking if he could speak to her. He was very generous and arranged to have another student talk with her and answer all of her questions. About a month later he reached out to me and asked if I would be a contributor to his new book Standing O. The book was for charity and included some amazing authors, athletes, entrepreneurs and CEOs. I was so busy trying to get my own book off the ground that at first I I didn't see how I'd be able to make the time. But then I remembered how Scott had made time for me when I needed his help. So I knew I needed to show up for him now. But I still struggle with the idea that someone would find anything I wrote to be of value. I wondered how long it would feel this way. When would I begin to get comfortable in this new world? Why was it so hard for me to embrace this change and let go of the past? These were questions I would ask myself a lot as I worried about the future and how to build a new kind of career. I would go back and forth in my mind. Should I just go back to the security of a job in media doing the same thing I used to do? In so many ways, that path looked like the best choice. I knew where it would lead to and I knew how to get where I wanted to go. I already had that roadmap. The new path I was on was not clear to me at all. There was no map to follow. I had no idea exactly where I was going from day to day. This new road wasn't clear and it was full of surprises. Not all good and many scary. This was so challenging.

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In New York and went straight to the same Marriott I always stayed in. I'm such a creature of habit and staying in the same places and being with people I trust always makes me feel better. My good friend George was there. I was so happy to see him. It took my mind off of this crazy experience. As usual, what I wear really impacts how confident I feel. I had a knee length white dress with me to wear to the book launch event that evening, but I didn't think it was the best outfit to meet the NBA player and his agent in the hotel bar beforehand, I decided I would feel more myself in workout pants and a zip up. So that's what I decided to wear. Whenever I am getting ready to walk into a situation I feel nervous about, I remind myself of other times I felt the same way and made it back alive. That always makes me smile. I also use the same playlist. It puts me in a mindset that reminds me what it feels like walking into a situation, not knowing what's going to happen, but setting myself up for something really good. I started envisioning myself going to the meeting, the meeting going really well and then having a successful book launch party. I had the NBA player really high up on the proverbial pedestal. I took out the lavender hand wipes I keep in case of emergency and inhaled the fragrance in hopes it might calm me down. It did. Then I bombed a Chardonnay and forced myself out the hotel room door. I knew if I tried to peek downstairs, I would end up not going to the meeting. So I stayed focused on just one thing. Walking to the elevator and getting on the elevator. Once the doors closed behind me, I was trapped. The elevator was taking me right to the eighth floor where the doors would open to the hotel bar. Deep breath. I said to myself. You wrote this book Confidence Creator and you can at least share some some of the ways you create confidence. You can do this. Choose to be your biggest cheerleader. If you don't believe wholeheartedly in yourself, why would anyone else? I kept repeating these words in my mind the entire elevator ride. Then right before I got off the elevator, I told myself, I love you. You got this. I knew if I approached these two men, standing tall and strong with a big smile, my confidence would rise to the occasion. So that's exactly what I did. Taking a quick look around the bar area, it was immediately clear who I was meeting with. The NBA player and his agent had a table roped off in an area away from the other guests. They were also the tallest people in the room by at least a foot, maybe more. I smiled and walked towards them. I saw the NBA player clutching my book and as I got closer to him, I started to see things differently. He was clutching my book, hoping it could help him and hoping I could too. In that moment, I saw my 11 year old son hanging onto me. That shift allowed me to feel so much better because all of a sudden I knew I could help this accomplished man in some way. Even if it was just that I showed up to show him he is worth showing up for. That alone would create confidence in him. I smiled really big. Sometimes our mind plays tricks on us and we need to show up to see the real situation. He was so excited to meet me and he asked me to sign his book. I felt so happy, so special. The three of us talked for 15 minutes and then his agent left. That's when the NBA player started to share what had hit his confidence so hard. Everyone has different triggers and everyone has a unique story. For some people, health scares throw them for a loop while for others getting into a rut starts a self destructive path to nowhere. I listen to him, really listened to him as he shared his story. There was one thing that really struck out to me. He had been dating a woman for a while and she did not sound nice at all. He explained some of the things she had done and I gave him a look. A look that says she did what? He laughed and told me that he knew what I was saying, that he was just too nice. Now wait a minute. There's something worth noting here because I have heard it from men and women alike. Being taken advantage of is never to be confused with being too nice. In fact, how could anyone ever be too nice? Being too nice simply means you are a sweet person who is being taken advantage of. The most important person for you to be nice to is you. I explained to him that this woman was his villain and didn't deserve to be around him or with him or drive his car or live at his house. She was taking advantage and that is grounds for termination. He laughed and shared that he had just broken up with her and was already feeling much better. We sat and he shared his story with me for hours. It really felt as if I was sitting with my son 10 years from now. Life teaches you lessons, good and bad, and if you don't have a close mentor to help guide you through those times, things can get tough and seem confusing or muddy. Steering this man back to good people, to listening to his own inner voice, and to doing what felt good for him would make him confident again.

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Two hours when suddenly I realized I was going to be late for the book launch. I let him know that I was really late and needed to go. Before I left, the player shared one more issue with me. He told me that when he's on the free throw line in a game, he becomes really nervous. He doesn't do so well, but in practice he nails every single shot. I started laughing, but he didn't find my laughter funny at all. He told me I didn't get it because I wasn't a professional athlete and didn't know what it was like being the center of attention for everyone to stare at. But that's what I found funny. I told him that when I first started speaking years earlier, I felt the same way. Like I was at the center of attention for everyone to stare at. But as I gained experience, I started realizing it wasn't that everyone was focused on me. Far from it. Half of the audience was playing with their phones or thinking about dinner or doing all sorts of things besides focusing on me. The challenge with speaking was to get them to focus on me so they would hear me and listen to what I had to say. That's the hardest part. I let the NBA player know that I had been to his games before, had seen him play, but I couldn't remember one way or another if he hit his free throw because I was either texting or in the bathroom or talking to my son about what he wanted to eat. The reality is that people are always more concerned and focused on themselves and that frees us up to the truth that we are the only ones who are laser focused on us. Let the pressure go. I told him it wasn't real to begin with. With that, we hugged and I ran back upstairs to change into my dress and dart to the book launch party. I thankfully made it well before the party ended. It was a beautiful event and the support I received from everyone was so amazing. It was just one more reminder to me that making time to help others always pays off in the end. Always. Key Takeaway Putting others on a pedestal simply puts us beneath them. Making the decision that we are all equal puts us on the same footing as everyone else. Equal ground, equal opportunity. Ah, I hope you like that chapter. I hope you are digging Overcome youe Villains. I am promising you this book is fire and is the best purchase for you to make for a holiday gift for anyone you love that you're concerned has more potential within them that they are not yet realizing. If you've got someone in your life that you love that you would love to give a gift to, that book is on sale right now. I believe it's $24.99. The audible sometimes you can get for free if you have the credits. But give this gift that keeps on giving. It's the gift of confidence and the gift of overcoming adversity. And that's a gift no one will want to return until next week. Keep creating your confidence. I'll be right here with you. I'm gonna make the move again. I decided to change that dynamic. How do you like their mask? I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.