#190: STOP Blocking Your Own Success With Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Fasten your seatbelt. I'm ready for my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back with me this week. Okay, so I want to start with a story. Something that happened to me a couple of days ago that I think you might get some value out of. I know that this woman got some value out of it. Okay. As you know, I do some executive one on one coaching. And I've been coaching a woman who's an attorney for a little while. And I got a 911 message from her that she needed an emergency meeting. And I jumped on a call with her right away. I had the time. I was actually driving in the car, just dropped my son off at school. I literally think I'm an Uber driver. By the way, no one has any idea how much I drive. It's ridiculous. But anyhow, okay, that's about to get better in other news, but okay, so I call her immediately and I say, what is going on? And I was in a good mood, you know, I just dropped my son off and had had a good morning. She was not in a good mood. She was spiraling out of control. And she started telling me about another attorney who's more senior than she is in her firm and had sent her a nasty email. Now here's the thing. We've all gotten nasty emails from coworkers and people at work and customers and family members and friends, right? It's happened to us and it stinks. It's not fun, it's not pleasant. But I could hear in this woman's voice, this was other level. She had taken it other level. She was really emotional, very angry. So she starts telling me the whole story how, you know, I am not letting this person gaslight me. And you know, it's a male dominated industry and it's, it's so wrong that women have to put up with this, which she's so flipping right. She's totally right. She was not wrong in anything that she said. And I'm letting her empty her glass and tell me the whole story. And so I said, so then what happened? She said, well, so I fired back an email to him. So, you know, he sent her a nasty email, she sent a nasty email back. And I said, then what happened? And then another nasty email came back and then someone else got involved and you know, it started spiraling out of control. Going nowhere good. So in situations like this, you know, I call it circling the drain, right? Picture a sink and the drain, and you're just like swimming around at the bottom. You just keep circling and circling. You're not going anywhere. There is no resolution in sight. You're in this gross place, circling a drain, right? There's nothing beautiful or beneficial about it. And you just keep going round and round and round. Now listen, in full transparency, I have circled the drain many times in my life. This is why I'm an expert at it. No, but truly, you know, when I worked with that woman that hated me and treated me terribly, I was circling the drain with her all the time. I wasn't taking any new approach or changing course. I just was, you know, she would treat me badly, I'd be upset, I'd go hide in my little cave. I'd be angry. You know, I'd come back and pretend nothing happened. That was circling the drain for us, right? It looked different, but it's still the same thing. It's the same concept. You're dealing with a negative person, a negative situation, a negative context, culture, whatever environment, behavior, whatever it is. And you're repeating the same bad behaviors again and again and again. The outcome doesn't change and you're exhausted. You're putting more and more energy out there. Nothing good is coming from it. Circling the drain is not a strategy for success. So think about in your life, is there anywhere that you are currently circling the drain? Right. I mean, I might have to say that me just going the soul cycle for months on end is sort of a form of circling the drain. Right. Like I need to mix it up. I have to put weightlifting in. I just love soul cycle outside so much. So I'm just giving like different types of examples. But just think in your life where you've been circling the drain, you know? Cause we've all done it. Hopefully you're not doing it right now. If you are, it's time to change course. So she empties her glass, tells me the whole story, and I said, listen, number one, you're not going to like my response. Number two, here it is. So you are way too emotional right now to be doing anything. If you're this emotional now and all this just transpired. Oh, my gosh, I can't believe how you must have felt when you actually fired this email off. There is no place in business for emotion when you're that angry. Don't take action. That's when you take a breath, pause, call a friend Call a mentor, call your coach. You know, go for a run, do whatever you need to do to get your head right, and breathe for a minute. Because when you react to what someone else does like this, in this visceral way, you are allowing them to control you. You're giving them power over you. Let me say that again. When you react to what someone else says or does, you're giving them power over you, and you are allowing them to control you. I am not for that. The converse of that is when that woman tried to fire me, you know, she passed those two memos to me. She had this huge smile on her face, thinking she was gonna control me, that I was gonna react, start crying, panic, and beg for the money and sign the deal that she wanted me to sign. I didn't. I didn't react. I stayed calm. I took a deep breath, I gave myself a few seconds, and I thought, I didn't write either one of these memos. Why would I sign them? I don't need to react. I'm out of here. And I left, and I took all of the power out of that room. So he who stays the most calm wins every time in a situation like this. So I explained to her, here's how I would have handled it differently, and I suggest that she try in the future is if someone, you know sends you this crazy email, which is totally inappropriate and attacking and gaslighting and awful. Take a moment, catch your breath. Remember, he who stays the most calm wins, and respond back. Wow, it sounds like you're really upset right now. I know that email can be difficult to always understand in the intent that it's sent. So why don't I give you a call so I can hear what's happening with you? Right? You're showing yourself as the leader. You're showing up as the leadership individual in this exchange. Someone's attacking you, acting inappropriate, unprofessional, and you respond back in a really powerful, strong, clear, calm manner. Right? That's a leader.

Hello.

I don't care what your title is. You are the leader when you pull that card. So she said, well, I'm mad at him. That's not what I want to do. I said, okay, let me walk you through why, though I'm showing that I'm in control of me, I'm not going to react to you. I'm not going to allow you to control me, which is what that person wanted. That person wants you to circle the drain with them. They're going nowhere. I'm not going to circle the drain with them. And picture yourself literally circling the drain. And you'll think, why am I doing this? So I asked her to picture that. And then I said, okay, you get on the phone with the guy, you're very calm. He's not calm. Obviously, we know that, but you are. And we say, okay, explain to me what happened. I'm confused. Now this. I write about this in my book Overcome youe Villains. I have a chapter on this. You teeing up a difficult situation with I'm confused is really powerful. It's not attacking. You're not yelling at the other person. You're not accusing them of anything. You're not begging for help. But you're basically saying, hmm, I must be missing something, because this doesn't add up to me. I'm confused. So you're forcing the other person to empty their glass more, tell you more, and get to the bottom of what's really going on. You know, when that individual, if that individual had been approached that way, I guarantee this, I will bet everything on this, that that individual would have gone circling the drain like crazy. You know, saying the most awful things. And if she kept asking open ended, calm, probing questions, he probably would have gotten to a place where he said, you know what? My family's sick right now with COVID Or I'm under a lot of financial stress right now with what's going on in the markets, or I just lost a big client. And I'm sorry I'm taking this out on you because one thing I know for sure, people are more tense now in a global pandemic than ever. Truly, than ever. It's creepy and sad and painful and true. Right? So you never know the short fuse, why it's there and what's really lying beneath the surface with someone. But I know that that person wasn't that mad at this woman for this small thing that happened at work. There was so much more there. And the goal with I'm confused is to really. To get that person to empty that glass so that you can get all of the information. And you probably won't have to say much. The person would probably apologize. So don't circle the drain. Moral of the story, don't circle the drain. And don't react to what someone says to you. Be calm and then respond. So I hope that helps. I promise you that is the right strategy. Don't circle the drain. Don't react. Don't give somebody else power over you. Okay, now this is kind of crazy.

Over.

Gosh. Well, truly, since the pandemic hit for me, things had been really, really hard. And one of the things I've been realizing, and this is also why it was so hard for me getting fired, is that I love control. And that's not something that I've really been self aware of my whole life. But as I look back, you know, my childhood was totally out of control. So it's not shocking that as I became an adult, I wanted to put everything in its place and have total control. You know, I wanted to be in charge. I always had to be the leader. I always had to be the one calling the shots. And it turns out I'm good at it. But it became, I don't want to say an obsession, but a way that things had to be. Well, that's not real. And we all know that in theory, right? No one's ever always in control. I can't control the weather, I can't control what happens in the marketplace. I can't control technology, I can't control other people. But for whatever reason, for me, I always wanted control. And I thought when I was in corporate America, I was in control. When I got fired, I felt completely out of control. And that sent me into this fear spiral, which was really bad, right? Not helpful. That did not help propel me forward to where we are today. But I've been trying to self reflect and the more we can become self aware, the more we can understand ourselves. And I'll tell you, this podcast and the people that I've interviewed in the last couple of years on the show have really opened my eyes to who I am and, and where I can go and where I should go and where I actually am going now. It's been like a self awareness journey. I hope it has been for you too. And I hope you take this episode to really reflect on yourself over the past couple of years and why you respond the way you do, why you've made some of the decisions you've made. So I understand that when I first got fired, I felt completely out of control. That sent me into a fear spiral, which did not help, that did not help me. It did not help my business over a little bit of time. You know, by 2019, I was able to start turning things around and my speaking business was blowing up and I was finally feeling like I had a little tiny bit of certainty which made me feel really happy because remember, I was, you know, wanting to be in control and have certainty. And so then the pandemic hit and for me it was all over again, you know, oh, my gosh, no certainty. There's how am I going to be safe? How am I going to take care of bills? How am I going to pay for things? How will I take care of my son? It was really bad for me. And so the funny thing is it actually now for the first time, here we are two years in and I'm understanding it's a blessing for me. And that's so crazy because people used to say that to me. Try to find the blessing and I'd be like, screw you. There's no freaking blessing. My money's out the window, no speaking engagements and my kids on virtual school. I want to jump out a window.

When you want more Start your business with a Northwest Registered Agent and get access to thousands of free guides, tools and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business all in one place. Build your complete business identity with Northwest today. Northwest Registered Agent has been helping small business owners and entrepreneurs launch and grow businesses for nearly 30 years. They are the largest registered agent and LLC service in the US with over 1500 corporate guides. Real people who know your local laws and can help you in your business and every step of the way. Build your business identity fast with Northwest Registered Agent and get access to thousands of free resources, forms and step by step guides without even creating an account. Sign up for a free account to begin managing your business hub with lawyer, drafted operating agreements, bylaws, resolutions, membership certificates, bills of sale and more. All at no cost. Northwest is your one stop business resource. Learn how to build a professional website, what annual filings your business needs to stay in good standing and simple explanations of complicated business laws don't wait. Protect your privacy, build your brand and get your complete business Identity in just 10 clicks and 10 minutes. Visit www.northwestregisteredagent.com confidence free and start building something amazing. Get more with Northwest registered agent@www.northwestregisteredagent.com confidence free. If you're like me, you're always looking for ways to feel stronger in your workouts, recover faster from working out, have more energy during your day and preserve your health, mobility and strength as we get older. And Mitopure Timeline is giving me that life and it's happening right now and I want it to happen for too. This supplement really can help you because it supports your health at the foundation by encouraging cellular renewal. Mitopure is a precise dose of the rare postbiotic Urolithin A. It works by promoting an essential cellular cleanup process that clears out dysfunctional mitochondria, AKA your cell's battery packs. Mitopure is the only Urolithin, a supplement on the market clinically proven to target the effects of age related cellular decline. Hello. With regular use you are going to see and feel the difference in the form of improve better workouts, faster recovery, more endurance, all of which are helping you achieve your New Year's goals and making you Feel your best. P.S. might appear shown to deliver double digit increases in muscle strength endurance without a change in exercise for the win. Cellular health is a foundation of well being and longevity. Mitopure recharges your cells supporting any goals by helping all of your system work better. I'm excited to share that you can now get 20% off your first timeline purchase. There's never been a better time to experience the benefits of Mitopure. Use my code Confidence at checkout. To receive 20% off today, go to timeline.com confidence that's T-I-M-E-L-I-N-E.com confidence it's that.

Time of year again.

Everyone knows that the holidays can become overwhelming quickly, so the sooner that you get things done, the better. For both shoppers and businesses, the best time to score great deals during the holidays is Black Friday Cyber Monday Weekend Whether you're an established business or someone who is going to experience their first Black Friday Cyber Monday this year, you know that the most important thing you need is a platform that can handle everything that's about to be thrown at you. You don't want to find out that your inventory is off as orders keep coming in, or that your point of sale system cannot keep up with the requests, many from new customers who are buying your products for the first time. You need to make sure that your tools and platform are ready for anything that comes your way during the busiest weekend of the year. And that's why you need Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names to entrepreneurs who will be participating in their first Black Friday Cyber Monday this year, including your girl right here. With creating confidence in everything that we put through Shopify, the one platform platform that manages it all, you don't have time to spend hours pouring over every little detail. Me neither. Shopify has thousands of templates and tools to help streamline website creation, making sure that your site isn't just aesthetically pleasing, but functional at the same time. Accelerate your content creation. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product description pages, headlines, and even enhance your product Photography to help increase your reach during the busiest time of year. You can also stress less knowing that Shopify's award winning customer support teams on standby 247 to help with any issues that arise, allowing you to get back to business as fast as possible. This Black Friday. Join the thousands of new entrepreneurs hearing for the first time with Shopify. Sign up for your free trial today@shopify.commonahan that's Shopify. That's.commonahan go to shopify.commonahan and make this Black Friday one to remember.

So I get now today. It took me two years to realize this, that it was a blessing for me because I still was trying to reassimilate that same individual. I was in corporate America. I was just trying to do it working for myself. I was trying to be in control, find the certainty command that things had to be a certain way. That's not real. And this pandemic has taught me this. But the funny thing is, it was never real. None of us are in control of everything. And we can delude ourselves and pretend we are, but it's going to hurt us in the end. It definitely hurt me. And I want you to know this, you're not in control. I'm not in control. And that's okay. And so it's taken me a really long time to get to this place and I'm a work in progress, believe you me. I wake up some days and I still think, oh my gosh, panic, I'm not in control. And I have to talk to myself and say I never was in control and I've always been okay. And things have always worked out and they still will always work out. The more calm and centered and positive I can get and get myself back to, the sooner I can find solutions, become creative and build momentum and find success and joy, of course, which is the ultimate success. But when I get into that trying to control, I get negative, fearful and angry and that blocks my success. So anyways, I've had this big epiphany and it all started really with the pandemic happening and some of the things that I've seen happen that I'm actually, I'm mapping it out. So I already know this. Every time I come up with a book idea, I start building a map. And so I started mapping out this week what I'm talking to you about right now. So I know this is gonna be my third book. I'm just sure of it. Why else would I be mapping it out the same way I did My first two books, so kind of cool. But I'm writing down all of these different things that happened. What I learned, where these paths led me from going to dinner one night during the pandemic with a girlfriend, and her giving this talk about forgiveness and how important it was. And I had never thought about bringing forgiveness into my life as an intention and something as a practice to start working on, to forgive myself, forgive the woman that fired me, forgive my mother, forgive all these people that I had anger towards in my life. And as I started working through those things, amazing people started showing up in my life. David Nurse, John Gordon, Jordan Montgomery. These three guys who are all amazing, incredible human beings simultaneously showed up in my life out of nowhere, didn't know any of them, and have each been a blessing and a gift to me and done so many things for me. You can't believe it behind the scenes who these people are. Incredible people. Incredible. David and John have both been on the show. Clearly I have to have Jordan on the show. You guys have to follow them. They're so amazing. I worship them. Then, you know, dealing with all my book launch issues and all the supply chain issues and things not going the way that I wanted to mandate that they would because I was never in control. But I had been fooling myself planning for things to go exactly the way that I thought they should go, right? So as we moved into the end of 2021, I made this big intention that I was gonna change things in my life. I was gonna make things easier, not struggle so much. Cause the struggle's been real in my life for a really long time. You know, people see the positive wins and there's a lot of them, there's a lot to be proud of and excited about. But it's always been really hard. And I wanna start making things easier and start being in the flow of life. This thing I've heard about, but never have really mastered, right. At 47 years old, I really want to start mastering this. And so it's just been incredible, the things and the awareness that has started showing up as I started clearing out old stuff out of my house, literally and figuratively. I'm like, Dylan, we're getting rid of everything in this house that we're not using on a day to day basis. And we just cleaned this house like crazy in December and got rid of so much stuff. And I put this intention out there that God, universe, I am going to go with the flow of the universe. I am open to receiving blessings, I am open to wonderful things happening for me, I am open to miracles occurring every day. I am worthy and I am abundant and I am receiving. And so this was a big thing for me because I've never had a mantra like that ever. Nor has that ever been my intent for a year. This year for me is all about receiving. And this openness and flow and allowing, allowing and this release, releasing the struggle, right? And letting go that I am in control of everything and letting go of that I even could be, which I can't be. But even just the thought of it, that no one has control and it's still okay that we're supported by something so much bigger and greater than all of us, whoever that is for you, the universe, God, it doesn't matter what words you use, but we all know there's something much bigger at work here than us. And so for me, it's about surrendering to that, which is so crazy because the word surrender has not been in my vocabulary. You know, I'm more about command, control. And now I'm dropping those words and embracing surrender, receive, acceptance, right? It's just make things easier. We have that power. And it feels really weird because I'm learning this new thing and trying to master this new thing, which is the polar opposite of how I've always thought. And I'm telling you, this podcast has played a critical role in this journey. And I know I'm only begetting the journey, so it's kind of crazy. I can't wait. And I'm so grateful I have this documented to be able to go back and reflect on, you know, three months from now, six months from now, nine months and a year from now to see how and where this takes me. Okay? So one of the things that I became aware of is I work so hard. So when you're a speaker, you're flying all over, you're on or virtual, you're doing zooms all over and you're writing and rewriting speeches, you're there every day doing the work, right? And then as an author, you're the one holding the pen, writing the book. And then as a consultant and as a one on one executive coach, you're on the zoom in the meeting, doing the work, right? When you're on a board of directors, you're the one in there advising everybody what to do. The things that I do, I have to be there and actually do the work. And that's not easy, right? That's a lot of work. So as I've grown older, I know this, I wanna do things That I don't have to be there for every day to make me money. And I want that for you too. Whether, you know, a lot of people invest in properties and own multiple properties and they don't have to be there and they're growing income because of decisions they made, I wanna have something similar. And as I put this intent out there, as I've written down my goals, as I read them daily, as I visualize my life being easier and money coming in even more than I've ever made before, and abundance and gratitude and all these positive things happening. All of a sudden, the other day, I think it was two weeks ago, I'm sitting at a table in my house and I'm looking in front of me and there's this beautiful candle which I received as a gift in 2019 from a very dear friend of mine who had started her own candle company. And it's engraved, and it's engraved with the quotes from my first book, Confidence Creator.

And.

And inside the candle, it is personally engraved to me from her, my friend Annabelle. And I'm sitting here and I'm looking at it and this has been in my house. It's a huge, gorgeous candle. I mean, the thing is unbelievable. It's been in my house since 2019 and somehow I just forgot about it until this moment. But again, don't forget, I've been putting all this work out there about this intent and all. You know, I'm every day waking up and saying, God, please close the doors that are no longer meant for me and please open the ones that are universe. I know you have my back. I trust that things will work out. I trust I will be in the flow and the answers will come to me. I am in receiving mode. I am grateful. And I see this candle and suddenly I remember that morning I had received a DM from someone saying, Heather, I love your post on LinkedIn. How do I keep them with me everywhere I go? I print them out very often, but it doesn't look nice in my office. Is there a nicer way I could do it? And I thought, oh my gosh, that's such a good idea. I don't know. And I'm sitting there looking at this candle and immediately I911 my friend Annabelle. I said, I need to speak to you immediately. She calls me, she's like, what's going on? I said, you and I need to create a collab together around all of my posts, all of my quotes, all of my powerful moments from my books and, you know, around my hashtag bossinheels confidencecreator to help support people when they need that messaging in their home. Not just on the podcast, not just in the book, or not just on social. And she's like done and done. Heather, I love it. I'd love to do this with you. Mind you, that candle's been sitting in my house since 2019 and I never had that idea and suddenly just popped into my head and the candle stuck out at me. It was crazy. This is literally like the movie the Secret.

As the air turns crisp and the holidays draw near, comfort becomes the best gift of all. Quince delivers layers that last, sweaters, outerwear and everyday essentials that feel luxurious, look timeless and make holiday dressing and gifting effortless. Quince has it all. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters made for everyday wear. Denim that never goes out of style. Silk tops and skirts that add polish and outerwear. Built to take on the season. Perfect for gifting or upgrading your own wardrobe. Honestly, Quinn's Italian wool coats are at the top of my list. The cuts feel designer and the core quality rivals high end brands, but without the high end markup. By working directly with ethical top tier factories, Quint skips the middleman and offers prices 50% less than similar brands. I mean, if you want to look like you are wearing the highest end clothing out there without those huge price tags, Quint is the answer. Literally, there's something for every single person on your list. The Mongolian cashmere sweater is a style softest sweater I have and it is my go to every day. If you want to elevate your look without paying more, Quint is the answer. Step into the holiday season with layers made to feel good, look polished and last. From Quint. Perfect for gifting or keeping for yourself. Go to quint.com confidence for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com confidence to get free free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com confidence so within a couple of.

Days she comes back to me and she's like okay, candles are coming to your house. The candles arrive. They're gorgeous. They're actually better now than when she launched the company a few years ago. The packaging is five star. The smell of the candle is unbelievable. She has so many different scents. Everything can be personalized on it. They're so beautiful. And in a world of automation, right? In a world of these cookie cutter responses. To send someone something that Has a personal note from you is amazing and different and unique and special. So anyways, I partnered with her on this. We have the site up and I wanted to go to market for Valentine's Day, and here's why. There's so many people that have normalized that if you're not in a relationship on Valentine's Day, that's bad, you know, And I'm not saying it's great, right? Cause I'm single. And it's definitely. It can be challenging. But I want people to remember that you are not bad or good if you're in a relationship or not. Right? I've been married, I've been engaged twice. I've been divorced, I've been single. I am single. I've been all the things. And it doesn't make me a better or worse person, depending on what box you check right at that time. So I wanted people to know you are enough no matter what box you do check. So we launched a candle, which you can get right now. Link will be in the show notes that has the box to check single, the box to check taken, and the box to check building your empire. And that's the one we checked on this one. But I want you to know it doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't matter what box you check, if you check all, none or any. It doesn't matter. You are enough already with who you are inside. Just be you. And so I wanted this candle to be available for people. I'm sure there's a woman in your life that you know that is single, that might be bummed out, that might not see her potential, that might not know her greatness that you see. Please, I would love it if you would personalize one of these candles for her and give her a note inside that you have her back, that you see her potential and that you know she's enough. So any personalization, any note you want can go inside, check it out right now. Link is in the show notes. I'm so super proud. I'm so proud of my girl Annabella. I love the collab. Wait till you see these products. They're flipping amazing. It's literally all the quotes from my posts. We picked all the ones that have gone viral. So data doesn't lie. We're leaning into the data, but really this is about you personalizing and have the opportunity to affect and impact somebody's life on what could be a difficult day. You can turn that around for them. So I hope that you love it. I hope you love this episode. Let me know if you do share with your friends. Please leave a review, please, and tag me in the post when you share it. I will respond, I will repost and that will tell me that you like this episode and that you want more of this and I will create the content that you want more of. I'm doing this for you. I'm so grateful for you. Please check out the candles and let me know what you think. I can't wait to hear. And by the way, when I create these ideas and go after these things, I have no idea if we'll sell any candles or millions of candles. Right? I just know. Move fast, break things, test and try. The marketplace will let you know what works. You don't need to figure that out. Let the universe show us the way. All right. We're moving in the flow and we're doing it with confidence. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.