#272: 9 Steps To Become Your Most CONFIDENT Self, With Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Fasten your seatbelt. I'm ready for my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so we are about to Thanksgiving. Maybe you're listening to this episode on your way to Thanksgiving. That would be so cool. I'd love to be part of the fam. I'd like to be along for the ride. So hopefully that's. That's what we're doing. So a couple of things on the idea of holidays and the idea of family and the idea that we all know things can get a little crazy. Okay. Please make sure you're taking care of yourself. And that means if you're tired, that you decide to pull the rip cord and leave when you need to. You know, I get it that people want. When you are around your family, around people from when you're younger, they want you to go back to that old way of being when you were a child. Hard pass on that one. No, thanks. I'm an adult now. I've got boundaries. I know my needs and wants, and I have a voice that can be used to vocalize that. Right. People don't always know what's going on with you. If you need help, you need to ask them. If you're dealing with some challenges, thank them for their patience. Thank them for their understanding. Don't apologize for the situation you're in or how you're feeling. Just let people know what you need. And if they can't understand it, that's about them, not about you. It's your job to take care of you. So put yourself first this holiday season. Give yourself grace. And if you have a tough conversation that could be ahead of you, one thing I suggest trying is practicing for it. Right. What are some different ways you can handle it? What would be some potential ways you could respond? You know, saying to someone, I really don't like it when you speak to me like that. It doesn't make me feel very good. Please don't do that again. Is a very calm way to handle what could be a challenging conversation. But again, making sure that you have those boundaries in place, that you've practiced them, that you know you deserve them. People that don't like boundaries are the ones. That's why we have boundaries, are for those people. So you don't need to feel bad when they say, well, I don't like when you tell me that you know, not to speak to you like that. Okay, understood. We're at an impasse. Seems like we need a little bit of space right now. Right? So you don't need to feel bad for who you are and how you feel and showing up as that confident version of you and using your voice. You should feel like a total boss leader because you are. Okay? So for the holidays, I always go. I'm from New England. I always go back home for Thanksgiving. Ever since I got divorced and my son was one, he and I have been traveling back there every year. And it's so fun because it's where I grew up, it's all my homies. We have a crew of, gosh, I don't know, 20 of us that run together that have been such great friends for 30 plus years. And it's so fun now to see everyone's kids growing up and our kids are such great friends and I'm so blessed and grateful. But again, it's work, right? I was just up there for a wedding. One of my dearest friends just got married in October and I'm headed right back again in November. And then it's complete chaos when we're there because trying to fit in in times to accommodate everyone's schedule. I mean, you know, it's the same way whether you're gonna be with family or friends or both, that you wanna make time to make everyone feel important and everyone and have, you know, see everybody. It doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes people's feelings get hurt, sometimes they. There's fallout. But in the end, you know, we do the best that we can and we're giving ourselves some grace and I'm super excited for it. Okay, so then this was so funny. One of my dearest friends, Kelly, who I had on the show, I had her on the show, I believe, just a couple of weeks ago. If you haven't listened to the episode yet, go back and listen to it. It was so funny. But she dropped a lot of wisdom around her incredible marriage and why they're so successful in their marriage. It was really special. So we are spending Thanksgiving with Kelly and her husband and their kids. And we always stayed with them for the past few years at her home. And it's just my son and I going to stay with them, which is what we do every year. Well, I was on the phone with her last night and she says, surprise. And I said, what's the surprise? You gotta love your friends like this. And I said, well, what's the surprise. And she said, well, we're going on an adventure. It was funny when I heard adventure, that meant one thing to me. I know that I mentioned to you, if you've been with me for a while, you know this. If you don't, you might want to go back and listen to a few episodes ago. However, I had lived in South beach for 17 years, and that's before I even had my son. Right. My life is so different now, and south beach has just become. The traffic is so awful. It's so intense, and it's so far from my son's school that we were literally spending more than. More than way more than an hour a day in our car and just wasting time. And it was really causing me a lot of stress. So I had been working so hard on trying to find a way to move. Anyhow, we ended up selling my condo and moving and living in a completely new place that I had never thought of living in. I'm renting it for the first time since I was in college, I think. And it's just. It's so crazy. And so I called it an adventure, right? Cause I was moving somewhere where I didn't know anybody, My son didn't really know anybody. We didn't know how it was gonna pan out. We're renting. We don't know how long we'll live here. You know, all these kind of up in the air things versus, you know, living in the same place for 17 years and owning and blah, blah, blah. And it was just, I remember, I'm going to tee this up as an adventure. This is going to be so exciting because I don't know what's to come, and I'm going to approach it that way. So when Kelly said to me, get ready for an adventure, I thought, oh, gosh, what could this be? But I reframed it in my mind. You know what? It's going to be something exciting because I love where I live right now. I'm so happy. I'm so grateful every day I think, thank God. Every day that we moved and we have so much less time on the highway and so much less stress, and it's just a fresh start. So the adventure has gone really well. So I encourage you to take an adventure. Sometimes it's really easy to get in a rut and just a routine. And I learned so much moving out of that condo after 17 years. Number one, clear the clutter. Get it out of your house now. Today. Don't wait to move. Don't wait for Next year, do it now. When you create space. And it just. It's such an incredible feeling and so rewarding. And then also, you gotta mix it up once in a while. Just staying with what you've always done because that's where you've always lived or what you've always thought you liked. Doesn't mean that's all that's out there for you. Right. Sometimes we have to take the adventure, see what else is out there to find out there's something so much more that we never even knew about. So I'm on the adventure now and loving it. Okay, so back to Kelly. She says, we're going on an adventure. And I said, well, what does that adventure look like? And she said, we are not having Thanksgiving here. And it was funny because I remember thinking in that moment, no, we always have Thanksgiving there. My son loves it there. I love it there. Right. That's what I'm comfortable with. My initial reaction was to go right back to what I'm comfortable with, and I had to pump the brakes and say, wait a minute, Heather. Remember, the adventure totally paid off. So far with moving, it's incredible. I'm so much happier. I'm so excited every day. And the unknown has been so good to us. Why can't I approach this the same way? So I said, all right, well, what is this adventure going to entail? And she shared with me whose house we were going to be spending Thanksgiving at. My son has never met them. I know them, but I haven't seen them in so many. So many years. Right. So it's going to be a wild ride. I don't really know what we're walking into, but I'm super excited. I love a good adventure. I love stepping into the unknown. And anytime I get to step into something that is new and unknown to me, it's turning into such a blessing and so exciting. And I hope you can approach something like that before the end of the year. Step into some unknowns, Step into an adventure. Create one. Because I can promise you, you won't regret it. And I'm excited to take this one on, too. I will be sure to let you know what amazing things come out of this adventure on our way back to New England for Thanksgiving. It's that time of year again.

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Today I wanted to speak to you about nine steps that you can implement in your life right now to give you more confidence. And as you walk into holiday parties or Thanksgiving, you know, whatever gatherings you're going to, and you might feel guilt and not want to stand up for yourself. These steps, I promise you, will empower you to be your most confident self and be able to ask for what you want, create the boundaries and show up as that best version of you. So I'm hoping that they're helpful. They have helped me immensely. And these are not the only confidence steps that there are, by the way. There's so many. I have so many now. It's crazy. But these are just a mix of what hit me today that I wanted to share with you. Things that I've been thinking about or things I've heard back when I've been giving my speaking engagements lately. I get a lot of messaging and people come up to me after and the things that they're bringing up to me. I wanna share some of that stuff back with you because it's working for others, there's a good chance it's gonna work for you too. Okay, so number one, visualization. Now, I talk about this at every one of my speaking engagements. It's so incredibly powerful. So visualization is something that professional athletes, Olympic athletes, so many people use because it's proven. Neuroscience shows us it works. So for me, I use visualization in a couple of big situations in my life that I'll share with you. They worked incredibly well, propelled me through really challenging moments into ultimate wins. And it's because I put the work in, I prepped and visualized. So even if you don't have a lot of time, you have a couple of minutes right now. Or a couple of days before whatever big event it is, take the time, take a few minutes a day, close your eyes and visualize in your mind's eye going there and the outcome turning out exactly the way that you want it to be. So the first one was I got the opportunity to interview Sarah Blakely live on stage in 2019. I was so nervous because she's a billionaire and the most successful entrepreneur in the world and she has the whitest teeth. Right? I could think of all the reasons why she was qualified to be there. But was I right? I started having self doubt. So I decided to go down the rabbit hole. I immersed myself in all of her content so I could understand who she was, what motivated her, and what it would be like being with her. And then the next thing I did was I would close my eyes and visualize me interviewing her live on stage and the crowd going wild and giving us a standing ovation. And I would do that every single night for a month prior to going to Boston to interview her for the sales and marketing conference. So I did that every day and I got to Boston. And when I tell you it was one thing after another that went wrong, everything you can imagine went wrong. It was crazy. They had said, keep her on clock, don't let her go off script, don't let everything that they told me not to let happen, happened out of no control or problem of any. It just, it happened, right? It just came off the rails. However, in the end, that day, we had this incredible standing ovation. Everyone went crazy. It went so well. I was so proud. And I truly attribute so much of that success to visualization. So here's the thing. Nothing bad will come out of you sitting for a few minutes a day and visualizing what outcome you want to happen for a big event or a small event or anything important to you. Take a couple of minutes, close your eyes, and in your mind's eye, see yourself going there and the outcome happening just as you'd like. Okay. Another big time in my career that I used this was when I gave my TedX talk. I was really nervous because a TedX talk is very different than a regular talk, right? There's all controls in place. Everything has to be approved. You can't leave the red circle. You have a timer going. It's not like giving a keynote for an hour where you can, you know, take it wherever you want to go. It's not. There isn't freedom in it. It's very, very controlled. And I don't like when I'M being controlled, right? So for me, I went to the venue ahead of time because I knew if I could visualize myself on the stage beforehand, it would help me put myself there that actual day of. And build confidence in me. And I did that. And every night I would watch TEDx talks for months leading up to my talk, I would watch the biggest and the best and. And I would envision myself standing on that stage and being incredibly confident in the crowd going wild, right? All the things I wanted to have happen. And yet again that day too, everything and anything that could go wrong did. It was crazy. What a disaster. And I forgot in the warmup that morning, they asked me to jump on stage and give my speech. I couldn't remember the words to my speech. I wasn't ready. You know, someone was really nasty to me that day and I started tearing up. It was not going well, to put it mildly. But in the end, I had done the visualization, I had put myself there. I had gone to the venue a number of times. I did the work. And I'm proud to say that TEDx Talk got promoted to TED and translated into six languages. And if you haven't seen it, it's 10 minutes. It's my baby. I love it. I'm so proud of it now. And I truly attribute visualization to how I pulled that day off. Because there were moments it was totally coming off the track. That train was not gonna make it. Okay, so visualization, super powerful tool. Use it. It works, I promise you. Okay, next. This is a new one for me. It's called seeding, which is sort of like the follow up to visualizing something. It's about the feeling. So think of it like planting seeds. You know, when we're seeding something, it's that next level, like really digging in to making something come to fruition. So with seating, we wanna feel the way we're gonna feel when we've accomplished the standing ovation with Sarah Blakely. Like, what does that look like and feel like? Not only to see it in our mind's eye, but to feel it. This was a little bit harder for me, I will tell you. And this is something new. I've really only been doing this, you know, for probably the last year, year and a half. It was harder for me cause I hadn't done it right. So when you haven't practiced something, it's gonna be more challenging over time. You'll get better at it. It feels weird at first. Cause you're like, I'm sitting in my kitchen Right now having a crappy day, and I'm supposed to be getting super excited, as if I have thousands of people giving me a standing ovation. What? How do I do that? Well, it helps to visualize again, leverage on your visualization. And for me, I did the visualization work first, so that became easier. I read a lot about the neuroscience behind it, so I knew it was a proven technique that would work. I believed in it. I knew it was a truth. Now I started working on, okay, how can I feel that way? If I put certain music on, it can help me feel that way. If I go for a run, it can help me feel that way. There are other things I can do. Some people meditate to feel a certain way, but there's different levers you can pull to help yourself get into a state where you're feeling something. Dr. Joe Dispenza does a lot of work around this, and he talks about the thought that you have. The initial thought, like, I wanna have the standing O, right? I'm gonna interview Sarah Blakely live on stage and get a standing ovation. That thought you put out to the universe is sending a thought out, which is saying, this is what I want to have happen, to actually manifest it and make it happen. He says, the second step is you have to have the feeling within you. That's what pulls it back to you. So you send it out to the universe with the thought visualization that you have, the claim, that statement that you make, and then you pull and manifest it back to you to actually happen when you feel that same way that you actually would feel when it happened. So you have to have the feeling before you actually did it. And that's reverse of what most of us are used to doing. However, if you can master these techniques, holy cow. Some big things are about to happen in your life. And again, it hasn't been easy, this seeding or feeling like things have happened. However, the more I do it, the better I'm getting at it. I still don't have it on lock, by the way, and I'm constantly immersing myself in podcasts, in books, in TED Talks, around this topic, because everybody's got a different frequency. Someone's messaging might land a little bit different with me than others, and in any moment, it could just click, right? So I'm just asking you, give this a shot. Maybe it's a difficult conversation you want to have with your mother. Think about how loving and excited you're going to feel after you do it. When it goes well, right? Put that feeling vibe out there before you actually do it and that's actually going to pull this opportunity towards you. I know it sounds bizarre. I promise you it works. When you employ these things, visualization, the seating, this feeling of how you're going to feel when it actually happens, you're training and teaching your body that this is what is about to occur. So you're flipping the script on the way we've always done it and it's going to work for you.

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Three affirmations are incredible. I've used affirmations throughout my business career, right? So I remember back when I was in corporate and I was getting a really hard time from that woman that ended up firing me. I used to go home at night and I would say, I am creative, I am competent, I am smart, I am talented, I am worthy, right? All these things that I wasn't feeling during the day when I would get home and I felt safe and you know, and things were easier on me. That's where I'd lean into my affirmations to build myself back up. Do this on the regular, right? You have thousands and thousands of thoughts in your mind today. Why not take control of giving yourself the best and most positive encouragement and messaging. And there's something so powerful about the I am statement, right? So I am whatever it is that you want to be and do this with frequency, right? You, you don't want to just do it once. I mean, I do this stuff multiple times a day. I do it all the time whenever I get a break. And for me, this year I started doing different affirmations. I realized one of my New Year's resolutions coming into this year was that I white knuckle everything, I force everything and you know, everything's tough. And I wanted to change to be a softer version of myself that allows for things, is willing to receive blessings, and a more feminine version of myself. Some people are gonna say, what do you mean? I always see you dressed up, whatever. It's not about looking feminine. It's about behaving or receiving in a feminine way, which was a new way for me to think. And so I had to do some new affirmations, right? It wasn't so much about I'm My most confident. I'm my most this or that. Now. It was about I'm my most feminine. I am receiving, I am worthy, I am loved, I am love. Right? These were very different affirmations for me. So you know what the right affirmations are for you? Use those. You don't need to use the ones I'm using. I want you to use the ones that work for you, that make sense to you. Write them down. Keep that card or paper in your wallet, on your computer. Have reminders pop up on your phone, but say them and feel the way you're gonna feel when it's actually gonna be occurring and happening in your life. I saw big, big changes for me this summer as I did this. And the more I did it, the more changes I saw. Don't get discouraged if you don't see anything the first couple weeks. Who knows how fast this stuff works for everybody? Everyone's different, right? And some people are gonna need more practice than others. Some people aren't really getting the feelings, you know, side down. And you need to work on that a little longer. But just don't give up. I promise you this stuff works. Just trust me on this. I promise you. Okay. Intuition. This is a big one. You know, for years, I hadn't listened to my intuition. I hadn't listened to my inner voice. And I used to. This is so crappy. I would ask others all the time, what do you think I should do about this? Do you think I should date this guy? Do you think I should stay in this job? Do you think I should? I was giving all my power away and looking outside of me for all of my answers. When the reality was the truth and the right answers for me, they were residing within me, not outside of me. Just like yours. Your answers reside within you, not outside of you. You are the one person that has all the answers for you. Now, you might, like me, have to dial up that intuition, dial up that inner voice. The most helpful way I was able to do that is through meditation, for sure. And for me, meditation can come via running, spinning, like working out in different ways, or traditional meditation. Sitting down with an app or something. Whatever works for you. But the other way was journaling. When I was alone and with my thoughts, the more I would write them down and reflect upon them, the more honest I'd get with myself, the louder my intuition would become. Then the key is when your intuition starts showing up and speaking to you. Act on it. That is how you will amplify it like crazy. So listen to Your intuition. If you have a weird feeling about something, pay attention to it, check in with it and say, maybe I shouldn't be doing this, or maybe I need to hesitate. Walking into this situation right now, something's not right. Listen to yourself, notice it, become self aware and start acting on your voice, your intuition, not what everybody else is telling you to do. That is a big one. Okay? These are all big, actually. Number five, beliefs. This is another huge one for me. I had always called myself not smart because I had a sister that was smart, right? Like I had allowed these labels and beliefs to stick around from when I was a kid. I don't know why I did. I just did. I also had told myself stories that would hold me back instead of stories that would propel me forward. And beliefs aren't necessarily truth. Most of the time there is no truth to the beliefs that you hold, but it's up to you to challenge the beliefs. I get into this a lot in my book Overcome youe Villains. I have a whole section on the book on beliefs. You need to challenge the belief to find out what is true. And the majority of the time, you're gonna find there's no truth to it. Why not instead, employ a belief that can empower you, that can advance you, that can make you more confident. Why not empower you to have a story that builds you up instead of tears you down? So today I'm asking you what? Whatever belief it is that you're holding, identify if it's empowering you, limiting you, holding you back, or advancing you forward. And if it's not advancing you forward, fire it. And implement a new story today, a new belief today, because you have that power and it will directly impact your confidence. Okay, number six, an intention for the day. I love this one. And my friend John Gordon did a video on this on Instagram. I think I shared it with you guys last week. Set the intention for the day. You know, whatever that is for you, today is gonna be an amazing day. Thank you. Go. Thank you, universe, for removing the obstacles from my way. Opening the doors that are meant for me. Closing the doors that are no longer meant for me. Thank you for this 11th hour miracle. I receive it with so much gratitude. I'm so grateful and thankful for all that I have. Go through this moment of really getting clarity and intention around how you want things to be and welcome it into your life and receive it in your life and be grateful for all that you have. And as we make these intentions and routines part of our daily who we are and how we show up, you will see, you will feel differently. You will show up differently for other people. And I do these things now with my son, too, because I want him to have intentions every day. I want him to ask God, the universe and his higher self for all that he's going for and to remove the obstacles and to close the doors that are no longer meant for him. I didn't know to speak these things into existence when I was younger. I can promise you I am teaching him today how to speak it into his existence now, because it's showing up in an incredible way for me. So start with your intentions. Each morning, I have it written down. I believe writing things down makes it 90% more likely that you're gonna remember it to do it. So write it down, put it somewhere you're gonna see it and make it part of your routine, whatever that routine may be. Okay, number seven. Ooh, this is a big one. That is always brought up to me at speaking engagements. Stop apologizing. This is such a big one. You know, for years, I went to Barry's boot camp, and when I was running on the treadmill, I felt super empowered and confident. The minute I would get on the floor to grab the weights, to do the weightlifting portion of the class, people would bump into me and I'd apologize. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Blaming myself for everything, which made no sense. And suddenly I wasn't feeling empowered, you know, I was feeling not so great about myself. And that experience taught me that I'm not gonna apologize anymore. Instead, I'm gonna say, excuse me. Or if I'm late for a meeting, thank you for your patience. Thank you for waiting for me. Or if I'm leaving an event early and people are mad, thank you for your understanding. I really appreciate it. Right. I'm gonna stop making it about me and start making it about other people. And that's flipping the script on apologizing and making it about gratitude and about the other person. And it works every time. Okay, number eight. Ooh, this is such a good one. Fire your villains. Okay. One of the biggest things I hear from people is that, well, I don't know, that they're a bad person. Okay, that's fine. But they're not your person. If you're in an environment where someone wants you to dim your light. If you're in an environment where you're afraid that if you spread, there's gonna be repercussions just for being who you are, you are in the Wrong room. You are with the wrong people. Those are your villains. Doesn't mean they're bad for everybody, but they are not your people. I would rather sit alone than sit at a table with people who don't support me, encourage me and cheer me on. And I want you to implement that same policy for your life. Getting negative people out of your life, even though they might not be overtly negative or mean or nasty, if they're not your people, you need to fire those villains in order to set yourself up, to clear the space for positive people to come in, to clear the space, for the positive energy to come into your life and push you up to that next level. You've got to fire those villains. You've got to clear that space. So look around your life and figure out who do you not feel great being around? Who does try to hold you back or put you down or not have the nicest things to say or have bad energy? Gosh, there was someone like that in my life for a long time. Didn't mean they're a bad person. They did lots of nice things, but that energy was draining me. And I finally fired that villain last year. And my life has been impacted for the better 1000 fold, and yours will too. So create the boundaries, create the space, get rid of the negativity. And realize it doesn't mean they're a bad person. It just means they're not your person. Which is okay. No apology necessary. Okay, number nine, this is my final one for you today on showing up as your most confident self, your boldest self, your biggest self, and this is a huge one. Step into the fear. Choose to see fear as a green light. That means go and go faster. For a long time, I held myself back in a job that I wasn't happy in because I was afraid of what it would look like on the other side. I was afraid of what the unknown would be. Today, I'm showing up, taking adventures and stepping into the unknown on the regular. And I'm excited about it, and I'm speaking it into existence and I'm letting it and allowing for it to unfold in magical ways. And it is so. I get that it's scary, and I get that you might say, yeah, well, you can do it, but I can't. Listen, if I can do it, you can, too. Start small, right? Start with baby steps. Step into something small that you're afraid of first, and then write down how it went. You didn't die. It wasn't the worst thing in the world, you know. I kept a journal just to track those wins. Cause so often we forget about the wins and just focus on the next thing we want that hasn't happened yet. Or the next big fear or hold back. Focus on those wins. Write those wins down. Write down that I stepped into fear and it worked out okay. I pitched myself for that job and I got it. What are those wins out there? For me, it was. I didn't know how we were gonna sell the condo and we did. I didn't know where we were moving, but I trusted it would work out. And it's worked out incredible. I can't forget about that. I wake up every day and express gratitude to God and the universe for that. I don't wanna forget about that because that's gonna remind me of what's possible the next time I step into fear. And that's what I want you to think about. Write down these wins that you have, no matter how small, because these wins are going to build you momentum. And that momentum is going to be a catalyst for you to step into the biggest fear that whenever you do that, all the possibility, all that future, all that abundance, all that excitement, all that good, it's waiting for you on the other side. So I hope these nine tips helped you today. I can't wait to hear what you step into when you step into your most confident self. Shoot me a dm. I'd love to hear it. If you like this episode, please share. Share it on social Tag me. I will always repost. Thank you. Please leave a review. If you like the show, share it with a friend. No one succeeds alone and that includes your girl. I hope you have an amazing holiday. I hope you show up as your most confident self, not apologizing for who you are and creating your boundaries just like you deserve. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're going to hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.