#364: How You Can Transform HATE To HEALING With Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Fasten your seatbelt. I'm ready for my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so I want to share a quick story with you that I hope gives you some perspective that I'm grateful I have today. As you know, I create a lot of content, right? Especially on LinkedIn. And I love the LinkedIn platform. It's where business gets done. And I love owning my voice. And I know that anytime that you're not being vanilla. I am not vanilla, my friend. You are not vanilla either. I hope that you're going to get haters, right? You're going to get people coming at you. And I've become very accustomed to it now. I've been doing it now for over five years. So when I receive nasty notes, my typical response is nothing. I ignore it. I don't even block the people anymore. I don't even care. I just. You know what? I feel bad for them. I think, oh, gosh, these poor people that are this negative and have the time and their day to attack somebody else, whatever, keep it moving, you know, and I just forget about it. That's my norm. However, something happened this week that I wanted to share with you, which is different. I handled it differently. And I'm actually really grateful for the experience. It taught me a lesson. And people aren't just always blanket haters because they send us a note that we don't like. Okay, so come with me on this journey. I put a post up, which now, in hindsight, I can see why it aggravated some people when I did it. I didn't think of it that way at all, by the way. Okay. And I'll give you that context in a minute, too. Okay. It's just a quote tweet card. It looks like a tweet image on Twitter. It says there will always be another deal, another job, or another opportunity. Desperate is so unattractive. I love, love, love that quote that came to me from one of my favorite mentors in business. I love it. Don't come from a place of, if I don't get this, I'm screwed. Because then you're not gonna get it, right? You're not gonna feel confident in yourself when you come from a place of, if I don't get this deal, it wasn't meant for me. This isn't the right partnership. This isn't the right person. There's something better on the other side. You approach things from such a different energy and such a different confidence level that it becomes a gift not to get something. You're in a better mood. It shifts everything. It's super powerful. It served me so well. The only time it doesn't serve me is when I forget it and I get desperate and I get, I can't believe he didn't like me or I.

Can'T believe it didn't work out.

That's when I go down the rabbit hole to no man's land and have to pull myself out. And it always, inevitably takes longer and you lose time. Right? And again, it happens. However, the only time that mantra doesn't serve me is when I don't use it. Okay? So that's why I felt it was important to share with people. I've shared it before, but I just, I want to share it again, especially. Cause anytime I've seen myself get into a rut, I need to remind everybody else about it, right? So to me, it's just powerful. Okay. Hope you understand why I posted it. Now I'm gonna share with you some feedback that I received that at first I was calling hate message and I was going to ignore, but I chose not to ignore. And again, this is not my typical. Right. And I have received a number of responses that were negative. Okay. So I'm not going to say the person's name. I'm not going to say where they're from, obviously, but it was from a woman on LinkedIn. And the headline on the note on the InMail just said honest feedback. And it said, hello, Heather, exclamation. So it seems, you know, it's usually people are attacking you right out of the gate. I'm choosing to spend an InMail token because I want to share something with you privately rather than a post. So first of all, right there, that's classy, right? So just attacking people publicly serves no one and makes that person look classless, in my opinion. This was really classy that this person did this. It was thoughtful, it took time. And to approach someone with criticism privately, that's the right move. Like, I'm for this person immediately. This person's got me. Right. I'm not gonna walk away and say hater and move on. So I just, I like that approach. Okay. Your message of desperate is so unattractive is really a bit cruel. Of course that pissed me off when I read it because I was like, what? No, it's not this person goes on to say, you are a gorgeous woman. Which hold for a minute there. I understand that when people see professional images of me on social media all day long, they think that. However, I'm sitting here right now drinking coffee in sweats. My son's sick, he was up late last night, had night sweats, I'm on no sleep, my hair's in a knot, I have no makeup on, glasses, eye patches. Like I don't feel so gorgeous, right? But I get the person's point. However, I'm also just giving you the other side of the perspective that nobody, nobody feels gorgeous and killing it 24 7. So it just, I kind of laughed when I read that. But there's perspective on either side. I get this person's perspective. Cause they don't see me sitting here right now at my kitchen table on no sleep, not looking so beautiful. They see professional images on social media of me speaking in front of thousands of people with a beautiful dress on, right? So I'm not saying one's right or one's wrong, but they're all true. And sometimes I think it would be helpful for ourselves, myself included, that we see the other sides of perspective.

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Okay, so immediately referring to someone else as less than makes the self esteem issue arise. And then who wants to be desperate? So sometimes hormones, circumstances or even last chance interviews or the phone is turned off or car repoed does make the one interview a potential matter of life or death. You couple that with how many rejections job seekers get along the way and ego gets annihilated while the bank account gets lower and lower. I know it's a simple message but for me it came off as a mean girl message and you are far too successful in a leadership role to appear superficial and cruel. I hope this makes sense to you. Okay, so at first I was pissed because I was like that is not true, right? And if someone triggers you like that they've got your button, right? Because I did not want to trigger people like that. However, I realized this person approached me with class grace, privately, which I totally respect and obviously it really hurt this person. So I gave myself a moment to calm down and not react because when we react, we let other people control us. I wanted to be thoughtful about this and I decided I was gonna respond. And at first I was like, this is a hater. But then as I thought about it, not really. This isn't a hater. This is somebody who felt hurt by my message and I think there's a big difference, right? So, oh my gosh, I'm so proud of 49 year old me because let me just say this 40 year old me would not have responded this way. Right? The one beautiful thing about. Well, I shouldn't say the one. There's many beautiful things about getting older. One beautiful thing about getting older is you can handle things in such a better way that the younger version of you would not have had the class or grace to handle. So give yourself a shout out today when you do that, when you see yourself handling something so much better than that younger version of you. Okay, so I wrote back, let's see how long it took. Oh, she wrote that to me at 4, at 5:31. So I gave myself an hour and a half. I needed it. I'm sure I just went on and did some other tasks or whatever, but I wrote back. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and writing this thoughtful note. I appreciate it. I did not intend for it to come across as cruel. In fact, this lesson was a hard won lesson for me that I only learned a couple of years ago. My mentor told me I always appeared desperate, whether it was to close the big deal or to nail down the certain partnership, et cetera. He taught me that I was focusing more and more on the desperate and the loss and that I would be guaranteed to lose the opportunity if I kept approaching it that way. Switching to a perspective that there will always be another deal is what attracts more more business and more opportunity to us. I promise this works and I share it to help others. I hope this can help you too in some small way. Have a great day. Okay then at 10:40 that night, this person wrote me back. Thank you for the taking the time to write me back. Heather. I understand you. It reminds me that maybe my emotional reactions are my choice, as is my self esteem. I do the work but need to walk the walk and not just theorize who who I want to be, rather take the necessary action to get myself there. I absolutely came across as desperate these last few months, this person goes on to describe their own challenges, which are major challenges. I'm not gonna get into that. Cause I don't wanna reveal who the person was. Okay. But really, major hardships, right? I feel you. I hear you. And now I'm gonna cut to the end. When I read that desperate is so unattractive, I reacted viscerally. I get it. It is a reflection of my own place in life to take your message personally, when in actuality, the truth hurts for a reason. And it is through pain that we may grow. Then she goes on to ask, if I've ever done any Tony Robbins events, this person's gonna go to one of them. The irony. I can't even get into irony right now that I'm in talks right now with Tony Robbins team. And it was just, I don't know, the fact that she closed with that I thought was so cool and serendipitous and full circle. And I just. I don't know, I felt so proud of this woman. Okay. So that she's doing the work, that she's putting herself out there, that she's open to the feedback. Then she goes on to say, you're someone I've looked up to for inspiration during this crazy time in my life and trying to get on course again. So for that and all you represent in successful women, I send my gratitude. What a. I could cry. Oh my gosh, what a nice person. Right? And I almost wrote it off as a hater. So I was so grateful that we had that exchange. And I love that it just reminded me words on a piece of paper or on a social media feed are words. Until you have dialogue with people, you don't know where they're coming from. You don't know what they really think. She didn't know what I really meant by that post. And I didn't really know what she meant by her response to me initially either. I was labeling her a hater and she was labeling me a mean girl. Thankfully, we had dialogue beyond that and saw that neither one of us were mean or haters. Right. But instead, good people who want the best for ourselves, want the best for others, are doing the work and on the journey and actually can be champions for one another. So I ask you today, who in your life are you in a situation with right now that maybe words on a page halted you, allowed you to label them? And maybe it was done without perspective of the other side. Have the conversation, send the private note, have the private meeting, don't let ill will flourish and grow, especially when there's no place for it. And this dialogue and exchange just reminds me either side of us could have done. She could have just taken that anger with her all day and never sent me that inmail note. She could have just publicly said, Heather Monahan's a mean girl. She chose not to do that. She chose to rise up even though she's in incredibly difficult circumstances right now. Even though she's living in hardship, she's living in challenging times. She chose to be thoughtful and kind and private and I'm just so grateful for that. I went on to say to her, I appreciate you. I'm proud of you. I'm praying that you are going to have an incredible event with Tony Robbins and have the breakthroughs you're looking for. Have an amazing day. I believe in you. And then she wrote back the sweetest.

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So again, there's going to be messages we see in life and notes we see in life that can trigger us. We can choose to react in a visceral, angry way to them and let them control us and dictate our behaviors and reactions. Or we can be thoughtful, graceful, gives ourselves a minute or two or four hours or however long you need to calm down and respond thoughtfully. I'm grateful that she and I had that dialogue and I'm grateful that it reminds me we never know what somebody else is thinking or where they're coming from or why they respond the way they do. And I think if we all tried to behave in a calm, kinder way, coming from a place of curiosity, understanding there would be so much less upset and seeing what's happening in Israel right now and the horrifying situation out there, there's no place for anger. There's no place for hatred. There's no place for hurting others. We need a world that works to find the kindness and similarities in others, the common ground, the peace. I promise you this. I'm praying for anyone struggling right now. I'm praying for Israel. I'm praying for anyone dealing with lack, upset, hurt and harm. And I'm praying I can find the next right word, that I can find the understanding in my own life. Right? The change has to begin with each one of us and hopefully we can come from a place of kindness, we can come from a place of understanding, we can come from a place of grace. I'm certainly not nailing it perfectly every day, but I promise you I'm doing a heck of a lot better than I was a couple of years ago. And I bet you are too. Okay, so that was the big message I wanted to talk to you about today. That was on my heart and I just felt it was important to share. If there is any situation in your life where you've been harboring upset or anger, reach out privately today. That's my challenge to you with kindness. And come from a place of curiosity and understanding and empathy. And who knows where that conversation will take you. I'm grateful that that woman sent me that private note and I'm grateful I didn't pass it by as a hater and not even read it. So give yourself the grace. Give the other person the grace. Take the time and if you haven't seen yet, oh my gosh, I don't know if you've seen this yet. I partnered with One Skin, which is the only skincare line that is scientifically proven to turn back the hands of time. Literally. Go to the link in the show notes below. I got you 15% discount. Yes, you're welcome. I didn't get one when I started. If you and you're going to want to use the 15% discount, you can use it once the code's competence, you're going to want to use it on the annual subscription. You can cancel at any time, but I just don't want you to lose the discount. If you only buy one month supply, you only get the 15 off that month. So do the annual subscription. It's three products, an eye product, a face product and a body product. You need all three. They're incredible. This is for men to look at the before and afters. I've been on the products now for six months. My skin looks so much better. It's a game changer. Look at the research. Go to the link in the show notes. You're going to be blown away by the research. I also had the founder on the show. I interviewed her to learn more about how it works. It's incredible. The Science behind this OS1 peptide is game changing. This is something I wish I had known about when I was younger. Actually, it wasn't created until over the last couple of years, but I wish I had known the day it came out. Because slowing the hands of time is a beautiful thing. Remember I mentioned one of the great things about getting older is you become wiser and you're able to manage your emotions better. One of the not so great things is your skin doesn't cooperate. Now mine's starting to thank you to One Skin and the OS one Peptide. Go to the show notes. Click the link code is confidence for 15 off. And I can't wait to hear how different your skin is in one month. And this one, my friends, I know firsthand. Until next week. Keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.