#367: How To Live The Life YOU Want with Ben Nemtin Co-founder of The Buried Life movement, Bestselling Author & Motivational Speaker

I'm hoping that like some of this shakes people to realize that they don't have the time, they think and just to start taking action and to not be afraid with what other people think. Because if you having trouble, don't think. Ask your 90 year old self, ask yourself on your deathbed and if your 90 year old self is going to say I'm going to regret not doing this, my argument is you have to do it.

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, you are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow.

Fasten your seatbelt. I'm ready for my close up.

Hi and welcome back. I'm so excited for you to meet our guest this week. I never do this by the way, because your girl is always prepared. However, today was last minute. I've been trying to get Ben Nemton on the show for a while and our schedules never align. They did today. So I was stalking him in advance of this conversation on his website and I loved, loved, loved what is on his site. So you've got to check his site out. Ben Nemton. But I'm going to read it to you because that's what I do for you.

All right.

Ben Nemton is a number one New York Times bestselling author, which is sick. Co founder of the Buried life movement and inspirational keynote speaker. He has delivered over 500 keynotes to brands and Fortune 500 companies around the globe. That's not the part I loved. Okay, this is his story. I was always a happy kid growing up in Canada.

Clearly that is not me.

When I finally hit my first year of university, life was good. I had an academic scholarship to a top tier school and my dream of making the U19 Canadian rugby team had just become a reality. Then everything went south. Out of the blue, I was hit with a crippling depression. My anxiety stopped me from going to school and it stopped me from going to rugby practice. I dropped out of college and I was dropped from the rugby team. I became a shut in in my parents house. Unable to leave. I slowly realized that I had been living the life I wanted other people to see, not the life I wanted for myself. In an attempt to reset, I decided to only surround myself with people who inspired me. I made a list of 100 things to do before you die with my three friends, Johnny, Dave and Duncan. We decided that for every bucket list item we accomplished, we would help a complete stranger accomplish something on their list. Ben, welcome to the show.

Thank You, Heather. I'm so excited to be here. We did it.

Oh, my gosh. We did it. I love. Oh, my gosh. That is such a beautiful intro on your website and not something that I had heard. I mean, I've heard you on a lot of different shows and seen you everywhere. You're everywhere. Especially mtv. But I hadn't heard much about the situation that you dealt with in your younger years. What was that like?

Well, it was terrifying. I mean, I had never been through a mental health crisis in my life, so in fact, the opposite. Everything was really pretty amazing for me in my younger years. I grew up in Victoria, British Columbia, which is right by Vancouver, which is a very idyllic place to grow up. I had.

I've been there. It's gorgeous, by the way.

It is, right? It's. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's very, very, very quaint. They call it a spot of England in the middle of Pacific. So you have tons of nature, healthy lifestyle, very safe. We didn't lock our doors and I had a great group of friends. I had a. And still have a very supportive family. But I always put this pressure on myself to succeed. And I didn't know why then because my parents never put pressure on myself. Looking back, I think I know why now. It's because I really wanted people to like me. I really wanted to fit in, really wanted to be cool. I really wanted to be accepted. And at that time of my life, that's where that meant everything to me. So I wanted to do well in school. I wanted to be on the national rugby team because rugby in Canada on the west coast is huge. It's like football in the south. So it was like the thing to do. And I continued to push myself and I got an academic scholarship and I made the national rugby team. But we were training for the World cup, which was in Paris, France, and I was the fly half position, which is kind of like quarterback, field goal kicker, you know, a lot of pressure. And I started getting anxiety about the World cup and I thought, what if I miss an easy field goal and I blow it? This is my one in a lifetime opportunity. What if I mess up? And I had missed a big kick in a big championship game in high school, and that had kind of haunted me and I thought, whoa, this cannot happen again. And so I would think about it at night and these thoughts would creep into my mind. And I wasn't able to sleep and I started to lose sleep and I started to get anxious and I started to, you know, this Mixture of pressure. I slid into a depression and I never experienced anything like it. I was unable to go to school, I was unable to go to practice. So I got dropped from the national rugby team. I dropped out of school. I became a shut in in my parents house. Everything that I'd worked so hard for felt like it was gone. And this lasted for many months. And it became a hermit in my parents house. And it wasn't until my friends came to my house and literally pulled me out of the house and forced me to join them to go work in a new town for the summer. After I dropped out of school, they forced me to start to do things that I didn't want to do but ultimately were good for me. So I was forced to get a job because I needed to pay for rent in this new town. And I started feeling a bit of confidence and a bit of self worth. I started talking about what I was going through for the first time to my friends because they were like, what's been going on? And I was like, okay, well this is what I've been experiencing. And they had experienced something similar in their life or some version of struggle. And I realized I wasn't alone. And that helped. And then the big piece was I started meeting new kids. Kids that had started their own businesses, kids that had traveled, kids that had were creative and would just think of something, then do it. They would make things out of nothing. And I thought, wow, these new kids that I'm meeting, they actually are giving me energy. It was that summer way that I realized some people give me energy, some people draw energy from me. And so by necessity I thought, okay, I got to surround myself with people that inspire me. Just like those kids that I met in that new town. And that one decision changed my life forever. Because when I got back home to Victoria, I thought through my friends and there was one kid that popped to mind that was inspiring and he was a filmmaker. And I had always secretly wanted to make a movie or a TV show, like a sketch TV show or a documentary. But I never even told anybody about it. And finally I caught up this kid out of the blue and I was like, johnny, you make movies, I want to make a movie. Let's make a movie. So we gathered two other friends that also wanted to do something like this. And in summer of 2006 we fundraised throughout the summer. We worked a Dexter job, we built a website, we bought an old rv, we bought a secondhand camera on ebay. And we're like, we're going to go out on the road for a two week road trip. And we're going to go after all the things we've always wanted to do, but we've never tried to do all of our dreams, our bucket list. And then every time we cross something off our bucket list, we're going to help a stranger we meet cross something off their bucket list. And this all was inspired by a poem written over 150 years ago by an old English poet named Matthew Arnold. And Johnny, my friend was in English class and got assigned this poem. And this poem talked about the exact same thing that we were feeling, which is that we had all these things that we wanted to do, but we'd never done any of them because they got buried by the day to day life got in the way and we kept pushing them. And so we thought, okay, if this guy wrote this poem In England in 1852, we're not the first people to feel like this. Let's call this documentary the Buried Life. And so we head out in 2006 for a two week road trip to go after our bucket list and help other people. And we did not expect the response that we got. But people heard about it and they wanted to help. And strangers would start to email us and they say, hey, I saw your list, I can help you cross this off. I here's my dream, can you help me? And we got barraded with all of these dreams and then help to cross things off our list. And so this two week road trip ended up lasting 12, 15 years. And the list items that I thought were impossible that we wrote down really as a joke. We had no business doing any of these things. We never even thought we would ever come close to achieving them. Slowly they all started coming off the list. Make a TV show, play basketball with Obama, have a beer with Prince Harry, write New York Times bestseller, sit with Oprah. But then helping other people achieve their dreams meant even more than those big ticket dreams that we were crossing off. And we're like, oh shit, when you help someone else, it fills you up in a way that is even different than doing some of these things that you really want. And it's like a win win. You get to feel good, they get to feel good and you connect with them. And so we just kept doing it. This road trip turned into a way of life which was prioritizing the things that are truly important to you or me and not other people. And realize that when I live, for me, I unlock gifts that only I have. I'm happier, I'M able to make a bigger impact and I inspire other people to live for them. And we create this ripple effect that, you know, you've experienced. I'm sure when you follow your dreams, you inspire other people to follow theirs. So that is how I fell into this. And I'm still kind of living it today.

But you make it sound super simple, like there's no way at some point in time in, you know, for sure, any level of success as you climb the ladder. It does get easier for windows of time for sure. But I would imagine earlier on when you had been depressed and told your parents that you're leaving, I mean, there had to be some people with sane minds saying to you, I don't know that this is in your best interest. And I would imagine you doubted yourself along the way. What did that look like?

Yeah, I mean, look, it's like when you tell the story in a couple of minutes, it feels like a rocket ship, but this is like a 10, 15 year old journey. So there's many, many moments of struggle, there's many, many moments of not believing that we could do it or overcome challenges and there's many, many moments of failure. So the first, I mean, just going back to the depression, I was very, very lucky to have my friends sort of pull me out of this hobbit hole that I was in with my parents house and that started my road to recovery. Now there were many things above and beyond the three things that I mentioned that helped me come out of that depression. One was I found a therapist. Two, I started to understand that I wasn't broken. I think when you go through your first mental health crisis, you think that you're screwed up, you think that you're broken when in reality this is just part of the human experience. Three, I thought I had lost elements of who I was, but when in reality it wasn't the case. I had just lost touch with some of these elements of who I was. Right. And I think that's also a misconcept and a natural feeling when you go through your first mental health crisis is that you feel like you are not the person you used to be and you'll never be that person again. And you've lost those qualities. Well, it's not true. You've just lost touch with them and you'll get back in touch with those qualities if you start to do things that you know are good for you. So one of those was finding a professional to talk to and then starting to learn about what I needed and you know, My depression. And I, I've talked with a couple of people that have had similar experiences with this, but this I can just speak to my experience. I was starting to know myself and at that point in my life I really didn't know what I needed to be healthy, nor did I know what I wanted to do, right? I was living the dream, quote unquote. But I wasn't living my dream and I was suppressing all this part, this, all these parts of me that were making me feel like I couldn't be the full expression of myself. Therefore I was also feeling this depression. So, you know, I was starting to learn that, oh, I couldn't push myself so hard. I need sleep, I need time off, I need nature, I need exercise. I need to talk about what I'm going through to a professional so they can help give me tools and be able to navigate this. Oh, I need to spend time on my passions, things that I love to do, because that fuels me to be who I truly am, which allows me to feel the happiest. So all these things I didn't know then, but this is the start of my self discovery journey. And I've been through a few depressions over the last like 15 years. But each time I go through any type of struggle, I learn things about myself. So I'm able to see the signs earlier and also know the tools and habits that help me. Also I have the support system to reach out to. And I also know that this struggle is going to make me stronger and it's going to teach me things that I need to look at. Which is what a lot of times this struggle does or a breakup does, is it forces you to look in the mirror and you grow. It's hard and sucks and it's debilitating at some points. But in reflection, all the times that I've been through these struggles, my body's been telling me you're not in alignment. You're not authentically living for you in a big part of your life, whether that's the work you're doing or it's in a relationship or, or it's your life. Like something is inauthentic. And so it's a big reminder for me that when I start to feel down, okay, I need to stop and think about am I living for me, am I focusing enough on what I need? And it sounds selfish, but I really believe it's not. Because you can't take care of other people if you don't take care of yourself. You can't be a partner, a mother, a father, a professional that is effective if you don't take time to nurture who you are so that you can show up for the people around you. So you know it's been a ton of ups and downs and even with the list items like some of those things took a decade, right? This is like a marathon, not a sprint. It's just been a slow journey of realizing like, wow, you can really achieve anything if you surround yourself with the right people, don't give up, continue to help other people and have this belief that like you're following this true course for a reason. And so yeah, it's been a wild journey. It's a lot of ups and downs.

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So often you hear women talk about I know people are gonna think this sounds selfish. So I love to hear. I think you're the first man I've ever heard say that. So thank you for sharing that and couldn't agree more with you that you've got to put yourself first and it is selfless to do that. It pays dividends to everybody around you. In the end when you were you just started off, you moved with your friends and you guys had this idea that you're doing a documentary. You were first going to create a film, a true documentary. How did that transition to ending up on mtv?

I'll see if I can tell a story quickly because it's a long story. But it's basically, we'd film this in the summers, and we're making this documentary. We got sponsors, and we finally filmed what we thought we had, you know, the full documentary. But we were completely out of money, and we had spent all our money on the crew and permits, and we hadn't even paid ourselves. And we had turned down a television show offer in Canada because we wanted to be in control of the show. We wanted to be executive producers so we could make the show. I mean, honestly, we wanted to resonate with our friends so much because we wanted to make something that we were proud of and that our friends would like. And we felt like we're going to lose control if we didn't be executive producers. So we turned down the show. And all of a sudden we didn't have enough money to finish the doc. I went to go working in a bar, and this was something that I thought we had made a huge mistake. We turned down a show. We weren't able to make the film. And then we decided to make our own pilot out of the footage that we'd been filming. And I met someone that knew someone in la. Someone gave me a buddy pass, which is a free flight down to la. And I started doing trips to LA and meeting people and understanding the business and realizing, oh, we need an agent, we need a production company, or, you know, we got, this is how this works. And over a year and a half, we ended up partnering and figuring out a way to work with a production company and sell it to mtv. But we were executive producers when we sort of did that deal so that we can maintain control. And then we focused on the television show. But now, like 17 years later, it is pretty exciting because we're now finishing the documentary. And the documentary is set to come out at December next year. It's still tbd, but that's the goal line. And so, you know, one of my biggest dreams is to finally put out that film, just tell the whole story. Because when we were young, we had no idea what was going to happen, and we just were looking for answers. And I think that a lot of people can relate to that feeling now. And the goal is to show people that look like this is possible. And I think it's important, too, to acknowledge that, like, we started this from a place of privilege and not everyone gets to start from the same place. We didn't have any money, per se. Our parents didn't pay for anything. We had to work, but we were coming from a place of privilege. And I think what this journey has shown me is that the bucket list is not about these big accomplishments. What it really is about is about being true to who you are and doing the things that are truly going to bring you joy and happiness. And a lot of times those things are like telling people how you really feel or doing the small things that bring you joy, spending time with family. It's giving yourself permission to do those things that are going to fill your cup so that you can be the most fulfilled. Because ultimately those are the regrets that we have at the end of our life are the smaller things. So it's getting this idea out that, like, look, whether you're very busy with work and you have a family that you're taking care of, and you may have all of these things you have to do, and maybe you're someone that just gives, gives, gives and gives, and you never have time for yourself. It's important to stop and think about what are those things that really bring you joy? And then how can you start to carve out time to protect so that you can spend time on that thing knowing that that's allow you to take care of those around you? And so as I started to do this more, I realized, wow, over 75% of the population ends their life regretting inaction. They don't do these personal goals, and that's their biggest regret, is not living for them. And so subconsciously, we push these things, and it's important that we take time to do them, because no one wants to end their life on their deathbed. Looking back and being like, damn it, I wish I would have tried that. I wish I would have done that.

Oh, it's so good. You know what's crazy? I've never even sat down and written out a bucket list myself. And I'm just thinking about that right now with you saying this. I wonder how many people. How many people what, on average, when you talk to them about this, actually have a bucket list.

The majority don't, you know, and if you look at the research, not only the majority not have a list, but they don't think about these things. You know, a lot of times they won't be able to think of one thing on their list. So if, like, you're thinking about your list and you're like, I can't even think of one list item, you're not alone. Don't think, follow feelings. What are you curious about or what excites you when you think about something? You know, when you go on a trip, plan with friends or family, and just the thought of that trip, you get excited. Like, those are the roads to follow. What are the things that give you energy? Also, who are the people that give you energy? What are the things that make you feel more alive? What are the things that make you feel more like yourself? So these are the things that we want to sort of follow these feelings versus oh, what's my purpose? Think about your purpose is like, that's a big lift. It's like I look at a bucket list as your mini purpose list of all the things that might give you a sense of fulfillment. And then you're just trying it and testing it, and then you're collecting data. So it's like if you try it and you like it, then you do more of that. But that's all you're doing is just continuing to make a list of things that you think are going to bring you that fulfillment. Trying them, testing them. If they do, you do more of that. You follow those rabbit holes. And then one day, maybe you've written a book because you realize, wow, I really like writing. And then you started writing and all of a sudden you have a book, right? Or maybe it's like, think of an example where you started doing something just for the first time, fun of it. You know, maybe it was this podcast, or maybe it was writing, or maybe it was something long, a long, long time ago. And as you started to do it, you're like, wow, this is, like, really energizing, you know, like, this is fueling me. I had no idea that this was going to be so energizing. Those are the roads you want to follow.

I think people get hung up when. I know I did anyways, when I was in a different career and I would speak at events and I would have that feeling that you're describing right now, and I would think, oh, my gosh, that's magic. That's so invigorating. Too bad this can't be my life. I have to go back to my normal life. I have to go back to my corporate job. I have to go back to my paycheck. How do you speak possibility into those people that believe that?

Well, I don't think your purpose has to be your job, because I think it's actually complicated when it is. Once your passion becomes your job, it's a business, and then it's about making money, and it compromises the creative pursuit of it, Right? Like, that's when you see musicians just. They just want to play music just for the pure joy of making music versus Doing it as a career, it's a double edged sword. I think this idea of making your passion your business or your life, it's amazing if you can do it and there's definitely benefits. But I don't think it's the be all, end all because there are downsides. I think the real message is if you're thinking about this experience that you had, you're at a conference, you get inspired or. But you think, oh, that's not for me, I have to go back to taking care of the family or I have to go back to work, that's okay. But what I would challenge you to think about is, well, what amount of time can you commit to doing something that might bring you that feeling and that might be more reasonable? And maybe that's, oh, a weekend a year where you get to go with your girlfriends on a trip and just explore a place you've never explored before. Maybe that's, you know, do yoga training course or maybe that's writing or pottery or some sort of musical instrument that you want to learn. It's just you can afford some amount of time. And I think that that's the real idea here is having the awareness that, look, okay, I know there's these things that I'm subconsciously pushing. The reason why, by the way, we don't do these things. The reason why we have so many of these regrets at the end of our life is because there's no deadlines for these goals and we have deadlines for everything else. The other reason is we're waiting to feel inspired to go after them, but the inspiration never hits. And the third is fear. We're afraid of what other people think or we're afraid of failure. So the awareness that, okay, one, I know that these things are there. If I can't think of them, I need to stop and slow down and actually start to dig them up. And once you have them identified, and that's why you write your list, because you make them real. All of a sudden they're not thoughts, they're actually tangible. So that's actually a step in the right direction because you combat that problem of no deadlines by creating accountability. And what we need to do with these goals is create accountability. That's why we write our list, that's why we share our list, that's why we have accountability buddies. All that drives us towards our goal. So it's this awareness like, okay, there's the problem. How can I overcome those problems? Well, I need to write my bucket list because that makes it real. I need to talk about it to the people that care about me so that they know this is important and they can support me. I need to get an accountability buddy so that they can check in on me. You're 77% more likely to achieve your goal if you have someone checking in with you down the line or you send regular updates to an accountability buddy. I need to just start taking action to create my own inspiration rather than waiting for the inspiration. And I need to decide and identify, am I afraid to do this or is this a risk if I do it? And risk and fears are different. Risk is, it's risks, your wellbeing or your financial security or the health of your family. And those are all real risks. But the fear of what other people think or the fear of failure most of the time are ego driven. People don't want to look bad and people don't want people to see them fail when in reality, like, nobody really cares. No one's really thinking about you that much. So it's like, you know, sometimes these fears are more in our head. And so if you're that person that's thinking, well, this is a nice idea, but it's really not for me. I would say, look, just take some time and just try writing your list. And when you write your list, don't just think about adventure and travel. Think about all 10 categories of your life. Think about your physical health goals, your mental health goals, your relationship goals, think about your creative pursuit goals, think about your material goals. And then once you have your list, pick one that you think is important to you and just talk about it. Share it with a friend, share it with someone that cares about you, see if they'll keep you accountable, and write three things that you can do in the next 48 hours that will move you towards that goal. Really easy things, the simplest things you can think of, and just commit to doing those three things and that might just kickstart your momentum.

I mean, but the things that you've accomplished are not small things. So when people hear that you sat down with Oprah, that you played basketball with the president, that you have a number one New York Times bestselling book, I mean, people are intimidated by those things. What were those small things? Or were there small things or is it just different for you?

Those are the big things. But I mean, look, my goals have, they've run the gamut and they also change as I grow, you know, because right now my goals aren't that grandiose. My goals are like, be present Practice self love. Make sure that I invest in the relationships that I know are important. Spend quality time with my parents, because now I'm realizing they are not going to be here forever. Make sure I, like, practice radical transparency and honesty in my relationship. So no big list item is any better than a small list item, quote, unquote. The only rule is that it's important to you. So I just. I wouldn't get too hung up on how grandiose or big the goal is. I would look at what's important to me, and that's what I've learned. And, yeah, in the beginning, it was like these massive goals, and I loved going after those, and I'm proud of those achievements. But my goals are slightly different now. I still have some big goals, but I realized that this message is not about achieving these big goals. It's about being true to myself. So if me and I check in, I'm like, okay, I really want to do this big thing. And it's legitimately for me. It's not for the validation of other people. Then I'm like, okay, that's cool. Then that's what I'm gonna go after. Now that I know that this is authentically my true course, like, this is what I truly want to do. And so I think that's different for everyone. But that seems to me to be the big idea, right? Like, is that you are authentically who you are at your core. Because, look, I think that there's this great quote from Les Brown. He's a speaker and he's a great.

I've never met him, but he's been on the podcast. Hello.

Oh, my God. That's amazing. I've never met him, so I'm jealous.

You need to make that. Put that on the list. Make it happen.

I do, because he has this great quote, and he's like, imagine you're on your deathbed, and all these ghosts start to appear at the edge of your bed. And they're the ghosts of the ideas that you never acted on. The gifts that you were given that you never did. You never opened those gifts. They're the things that you always dreamed of doing, but you never took that step. Now all these ghosts come to you in your deathbed, and they say, we came to you when you were alive and only you had the power to bring us to life, but you didn't. And now we come to die with you forever. So it's like, that's most people's experience, and that's research out of Cornell that finds that 76% of people, their biggest regret in their life is they wish it would have lived for them, not the life others wanted for them or what was expected. And that is a huge problem. Like this is the biggest regret we have as human beings. And so it's for me, and this is why this was kind of the question that started out, this whole project was what do you want to do before you die? Which is the question we'd ask other people and the question we asked ourselves because death was the only thing that shook us enough to have this perspective that like what's important. You hear about this all the time. People have a near death experience or someone close to them dies and they wake up and they say, well everything changed, everything changed. So why does it take this traumatic event or a near death experience for us to wake up and realize our time is limited? And so I'm hoping that like some of this shakes people to realize that they don't have the time they think and just to start taking action and to not be afraid of what other people think. Because if you having trouble, don't think. Ask your 90 year old self, ask yourself on your deathbed and if your 90 year old self is going to say, I'm going to regret not doing this, my argument is you have to do it, you have to try. Because at least when you try and you fail your 90 year old self, you get to lay there and think, you know what, I tried, I went after it, didn't work. But hey, I gave it a shot and that means something. That means something because then you're forcing yourself to grow when you want more.

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I love the quote that you have on your social media on Instagram recently where you're talking about like in my 20s I thought everybody was concerned with what I was doing. What was the rest of that?

Yeah, my 20s I was worried about what other people thought. In my 40s I didn't care what other people thought. In my 60s I realized they were never thinking about me in the first place.

It's so true. It's so, so good. Oh my gosh, I love that quote and it's so, so spot on. All right, so have you heard so many inspiring stories now from the people who email your website and try to get A hold of you that they have acted on some of these example that you and your friends have put out there and what's happened for them.

Yeah, that's been the coolest part, is this idea that when you do what you love, you inspire other people to do what they love. I love like the stories of people taking their parents or doing things with their parents, you know, or their kids. One person took their dad to Normandy because he fought there and he had a bit back. Or took her mom to Ireland because she was born there but hadn't been back and she was worried she's going to get too old. Really cool stories with kids like you sort of saying, hey, I wanted you to pick a list item and to do it. The only caveat is like, I have to come and meet up with you at some point or I have to experience it in some way. So you're sort of creating this. This dream and making it happen that also brings you together. Or some parents will do with younger kids, like family or sort of like summer bucket list items, like here, let's make our summer list and try and cross up as many things as possible.

That's a great idea, though, with children, as a mother, that if I'm not doing it, I might as well teach it and do it with him and then be the example that I'm actually following through so he can see it happening in real time.

Yeah, I think that's a great one. And also like things along the lines of finding people that you've lost touch with, telling people how you really feel. Those are big ones.

Those are really big. Really, really big ones. I had an experience years ago with a good friend of mine who was dying from cancer. And I'll forget this. I will never, ever forget one of the last times that I had a possibility to talk to her. I didn't pick up the phone because I started thinking myself. I don't know what to say today because it's really hard when someone's that sick. And I didn't pick up and she passed away the next day. So I never had that last conversation. But it was awful how it happened. But I will always pick up that phone now. Like you learn these tough lessons along the way. Gosh, I will always want to make right whatever you can because you never know when it's going to end.

That's just a great reminder. It's like my mom is a lot of energy. She calls a lot, and I would not always pick up the call because I was busy or whatever. And at Some point I realized, like, one day she's not going to be calling anymore. And so I just decided that if she's calling, like, I'll pick up, you know, I'm just going to, like, always pick up. And those things that shift your perspective and like, jolt you and remind you of your mortality are real blessings.

They certainly can be if you choose to put them to work for you in that fashion. So I saw your TedX and I love your list of ways of making your dreams come true. Will you walk everybody through what those six steps are?

Yeah. So the first is to stop and write your list. And this seems like a small thing, but by writing your list, you take this thought and you make it real. So now you have a reminder. So as you get buried by the day to day, you come back to your list and it points you in the direction that you want to go and your list evolves. So as you grow, your list changes with you. So you can revisit your list. That's why I encourage people to write their list in a journal, not on a piece of paper or not in a app or because you want a physical reminder that it exists. And then you also, you want to come back to it to take things off. You don't want to do it again or add to it and also see your accomplishments so that you can look back and think, wow, like, I really have accomplished some stuff that I thought was impossible. So that's the first step. Write it down. The second, and I mentioned this before, is share, talk about it. One of the main reasons, because if you don't talk about your list, no one can help you. Like, you're on your own. So the only way that we cross things off our list is through the help of other people. And so you have to share these goals and it's okay to ask for help. And the more you share it, the more accountable you feel. Right? Like, if I go and I tell you that I'm going to write a book, and I tell all my friends that I'm going to write a book, and then I like bump into a friend and they say, like, hey, how's the book coming? I'm like, damn, like, I better start writing that book.

Let's reverse engineer the pressure on you. Totally.

Exactly. It's taking that thing that usually stops you, which is the fear of what other people think, and it uses it for you because then you're afraid what they think, but it helps you. So that's the second step. Third is just take action. You have to create your own inspiration through action. So you're the architect of your own inspiration. And that just means very, very small, simple steps of action. Write down the easiest things you can do and start to do those, and you'll start to feel this momentum. The fourth is looking at fear as your friend versus something that you never want to look at or you don't want to experience. Because that fear is really positive. That discomfort is growth, right? So, like, if a snake grows out of its skin, it's not comfortable, but it's essential for its growth. It's the same with human beings. We need to feel that. What that means is that this thing that you're doing means something to you. It's important to you because you are being vulnerable, which is why you're feeling this discomfort. But that discomfort is growth. So it's kind of knowing that the fear doesn't go away. This fear is just like a tax you have to pay to achieve your goal. And you look at people that achieve big things or are on a stage or they have all this list of accomplishments, and you think, wow, like, they're better than me. They're smarter than me. They're more accomplished. They're better. They just have it figured out. They don't feel the fear. It's like, nope, they feel the fear. They're just comfortable with it, and they just move through it. It's like, I speak just like you, like, all the time. I still get stage fright less than I used to, but when I get nervous, I think, wow, I must be excited. This must mean something to me. This is a good thing. And so this fear, you just realize doesn't go away. And that's okay. That's just the way it is. And the fifth step is just simple. Be persistent. I think most people give up before they achieve their goal. You also look at people that have achieved success and you think, wow. Like, they just have always had it. It's like, nope, they built that brick by brick. You know, you just haven't seen the 15 years that it took them to get to this point or to get the momentum going. And that hard work. If you're persistent and you're kind and you do what you say you're going to do, you know, eventually your break will come, and so it's just not giving up. And you'd have to be persistent, too, because sometimes you can't even imagine yourself achieving the goal until you do it right. With some of these things, there's no way I thought I would ever do them. It literally took me being in that moment for me to accept that this was possible. And then the last step is just give. Give without expectation. Yeah. Because one, when you give, it just fills you up in a way that's a little bit different than doing something for yourself. But also you build this instant relationship that like sometimes would have taken years to build. But because you're able to help someone do something that means so much to them, you just like hyper connect with them and then you have this connection forever. I'll always remember these stories of helping other people and the people that we've helped. And even if it was just a small little thing, I just never did that when I was younger. You know, it's not like I volunteered in high school. I never helped someone that I didn't know. The first person I helped with my friends on our very first road trip in 2006. And we helped this guy, a Brent, who had been living in a homeless shelter for a long time. But he had pulled himself out of this homeless shelter and he had started a landscaping business. And his landscaping business relied on his truck. And his truck had broken down. But his dream was to bring pizzas down to the homeless shelter. And he never asked about his truck. He never asked for anything regarding to his truck. Even though his whole business was on the rocks, he asked to bring pizzas to the homeless shelter. So we're like, we got to figure out a way to get this guy a truck. And we had $480 between the four of us. Canadian says less. So we're like, we convinced this used car salesman to give us a $2,100 truck for 480 bucks. We drove it up to Brent, we tossed in the keys and he just bear hugged me and started to cry. And we were changed in that moment. We're like, whoa, what is this feeling? You know? And we stayed in touch with Brent and helped him get into finish his ged, his high school diploma after that. And we never looked back after that. We're like, oh, this is what the project is about. It's about helping other people. So I think it's important to incorporate that into whatever you do.

That is huge. Your parents must be so proud of you along this way. Are they flipping out with all their energy?

They're fired up. Yeah.

All right. You mentioned the importance of a journal and I like that. I'm a big advocate for journaling. Tell us about your journal that you created and how it works.

So I found it pretty helpful to have a process to Writing my list instead of just looking at a blank piece of paper to have a structure. I like structure, I guess. So I also found that most people missed some of the mark when they wrote their bucket list because they would write things like skydive, bungee jump, travel to Italy, and they were adventure and travel related goals. But I really want people to think about the holistic self. And a holistic list will reflect everything that will bring you joy and happiness in all categories of your life. So I created these 10 categories, as I mentioned before, and the bucket list journal, you start to write your list in those 10 categories. So you write your travel and adventure goals, but you also write, how do you want to give back? What are your mental health goals? What are your physical health goals? Got your material goals. You've got your relationships, you've got intellectual and you've got financial and professional. So you write your list in those 10 categories. It gives you prompts to think about what those are. And then you learn about the barriers that I talked about. Right. Remember, no deadlines for these goals. So we got to create accountability. We're waiting to feel inspired. So we got to create our own inspiration through action and the fear. So we got to identify between fear and risk. So the rest of the journal is a process to get over those barriers. So you create a deadline for your goal that creates accountability. You create a reward for yourself. I don't know if you experienced this, but like, I would go to the gym and there was a smoothie that I loved and I was like, okay, fine. Every time I go to the gym, I get to have this smoothie. And I would go to the gym just to have the smoothie. I was like, this is delicious. And so reward yourself. Whether you achieve it or each time you do it, that's going to increase.

Your chances, incentivize the behavior that you want. Absolutely.

Yeah, exactly. So there's all these tricks to start to build accountability. You break down your goal, you identify why it's important, and once you achieve it, you choose someone that you can help do that thing well.

You are making the world a better place with the work that you're doing. Tell us where we can get the journal so people can start amplifying the work that you're doing, start achieving their bucket list goals and helping others.

You can get it on Amazon, search the bucket list journal or on writeyourlist.com.

And how can people find you on social media?

Just my name, Enempton.

All the things, all the things, all the places. Ben so proud of you. Keep doing the amazing work you're doing. We're all cheering you on.

Thanks, Heather. I gotta ask you, though, what's on your list? Do you have anything that you've thought of now? Cause you said you've never written one before, and now you're. Is there anything that comes to mind?

For me, I always go back to work. Like, I'm always thinking about, well, a bucket list. My kid just got his license this week. That was definitely on the bucket list until he did it, so. Cha Ching, check that one off. I'm so proud of him. So excited. Don't really love driving with him, but I'm just so excited. Like, this next phase of freedom for him and autonomy and independence. It's so cool to watch. So I don't know. Being a mother is like, bucket list all over it. But then my mind goes to work and I just start thinking, like, what massive stage do I want to get on that? Like, I haven't been on yet, you know, that I can reach more people. I mean, that's where my mind immediately goes. That's why I need the journal, so I can start going through all those other things. Like, the adventure thing would never even pop into my mind. I would never think of that unless you prompted it.

Oh, wow. Okay, I'm gonna send you a journal I'm gonna send to you, and then I want to hear after.

I'll send you the list. I'll post a list for everybody listening on social media, as scary as that sounds, because then I'm gonna be held accountable.

Exactly. Exactly. That's what you want to do?

Well, that's what we're doing. And for everybody listening, get the journal. We can do it together. We can be accountability partners.

Yeah, tag. We can tag us as the accountability parties.

Let's do it. Let's all be scared together and go for more so we don't have to regret on the deathbed that day. Thank you, Ben.

Thanks, Heather.

All right, guys, until next week, keep creating your confidence. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably, something will happen. No one. 16 to lower.

You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it.

Come on this journey with me.