#376: My Top Tips to MASTER Positivity When Things Keep Going Wrong with Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close up. Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Well, first of all, if you're listening to this episode right around the time it came out, it's just about Thanksgiving. So happy Thanksgiving to you. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you so much, much for being here. Without you listening, there is no show. So I always love to hear from you. Please send me DMS. Please go to my website, Heather Monahan.com, let me know any questions I can answer for you. Which episodes you like, when you share them on social media. I know you like them, I repost them and I bring you more of that content. No one succeeds alone, and that includes me. Thank you so much for your help. I'm so grateful for you. Okay, so a couple of quick stories I wanted to share with you today that I hope can resonate with you and where you are on your journey and in some way help you. All right, let's start here. This is so crazy. What we focus on is what we get. And while we know it, it's so hard at times in the moment. Let me break it down for you. Yesterday actually in the middle of the night, I woke up. I was so hot. I was thinking to myself, what the heck is going on here? Anyway, I just kept making myself go back to sleep. Bottom line is this. It turns out there was a water main break my street. It affected a hotel, my building, another building. It was a huge deal. Anyway, this whole thing went on for 20 hours and there was no water in our building, hence no ac. So again, first world problems. And I get it. I can't sleep when it's super, super hot like that. I just can't. And so it was one of those days. I woke up. Well, I got out of bed. I had been awake for hours and I just thought, oh gosh, this stinks. Like, you know, first world problems. I'm so tired. My son didn't get a great night's sleep. You can't take a shower. And I had my regularly scheduled workout, right? So I had to go work out. And then I'm figuring when I get home, the water will be on. No, water is not on.

Right?

So like, okay, that probably wasn't the best decision. Now I have to sit around sweaty, you know, for the rest of the day and can't really go anywhere because I can't get ready. I can't take a shower. I can't. Again, first world problems. But in the moment it was super frustrating. And it was on a Sunday, so I was bummed because I had so many things planned. And anyhow, bottom line is this. I had to stop myself for a minute because I was going down the rabbit hole of like, this stinks and my whole day is wrecked and my kids day is wrecked and you know, whatever. But it was interesting. Luckily I had gone down to get my mail and I saw a letter from the irs and immediately, I mean, what do you think when you see a letter from the irs? Oh my gosh, please. I don't want to be getting audited just because the amount of intense work that you basically have to go through to prove that you paid the correct amount of taxes, I've known people that have gone through it. It's a labor intensive process, right? It takes a lot of your hours. You have to pay your cpa. It's a bit daunting. So I see the letter immediately. I'm like, no more bad news. What the heck? What's going on? This is not good. I have no water, I have ac, I bought no sleep and now I've got an audit from the irs. So I was so bummed out, I'm coming up the elevator with all my bail and I'm thinking to myself, you know what, just deal with it. Bite the bullet and open up the letter and deal with it. And so I made myself open up the letter. Thank goodness I did. When I open it up, you're not going to believe it. It's a refund. I overpaid my taxes. When does that ever happen? So I had to pump the brakes and say, oh my gosh, I'm so grateful here. My mind immediately went to negative Nelly right out of the gates immediately I thought the wor but in fact they were saying you overpaid and we just wanted to do the right thing and send you some money back. Which ps never happens, right? So I was like, okay, try to be grateful. Try to focus on, yes, I have no water, yes, it's super hot in my condo and I don't know when the AC is coming back on and it's stressing me out a little. But you know what? The IRS just sent me money back and I'm not getting audited. That's a gift, right? Like I was worrying about something that wasn't real. And in fact there was a gift there in the Whole thing. So I was trying to make myself focus on that. Cut to that morning when I went to my workout. I spin a lot. And so when I went to my workout that morning, I was heading in and I saw they had banners up and all this stuff. It was to celebrate that I had 750 rides. Something that's so inconsequential, right? Just working out every day, which I do my whole life. They were celebrating this small win for me like that, hey, you're a part of our tribe. We appreciate you, we love you, you're part of the community, and we want to recognize and see you. And I almost wanted to cry. It was such a small thing, but such a big thing. So celebr. Celebrate your small wins. Make sure you're hanging around people that want you there, that appreciate you being there, that love you being there, and celebrate you too.

Right?

You just. It was such a out of left field, positive experience on a day I really needed it on because I had no sleep, no water, no ac.

Okay.

So I was feeling like a little spring in my step when I was leaving spin that day, and I was pretty excited. I was heading back to my car to head back home, hoping the water and the AC were gonna be back on. When I get to my car, I mean, Miami's a major city. There's cops everywhere. There's parking situations everywhere. Like, it's a whole vibe, right? Super busy. I get to my car and there's a traffic officer there at my car. So I'm like, oh, boy. Immediately my mind went to negative. I'm like, my parking thing is about to expire. I probably didn't put enough time on it or it's expiring right now. I got to get in that car and get out of there. So. So I go to jump in the car, and he taps on the window, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm so busted. I have no idea what I did. And I rolled out of the window and said, yes, officer, you know, as pleasant and kind as I can be. And he said, listen, do you know your registration's expired? I said, no, I have no idea that my registration's expired. Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry. I promise you, I will fix it right away. I'm so sorry. He said, listen, I could write you a ticket for this. I said, I know you can, and I would so appreciate if you don't. I swear. I had no idea. I really had no idea. Oblivious blonde moment. P.S. it's because I moved And I know what had happened is my registration probably got sent to my old home and somehow didn't make its way to my new one. So. And my own fault, I just didn't think of it on my birthday that, wait, I need to register my vehicle again, because it used to just come in the mail. Innocent mistake. However, he's right. He could definitely write me a ticket. He did not. He said, I'm gonna let you go and just, you know, promise me you'll get it fixed right away. And he explained to me, you can go online and do it. And so nice. So grateful. I told him, I'm so grateful for you. Okay, so this day, while it was not great because it was super hot in my house, I was on no sleep, and I couldn't take a shower when I had no water to cook, brush teeth, et cetera. Right. Like, there's a lot of first world problems going on. But when I looked at, like, the situation with the IRS and what I thought it was gonna be, what it actually was, when I looked at the situation with going to my workout that morning, them celebrate me and have banners up about me, it felt so great to be a part of a community that celebrates small wins with me. And then when I got to my car and there's a policeman there, I'm anticipating the worst, and instead, I got the best. So what we choose to focus on grows. What we choose to let go of falls away. And so listen, that whole day was a wild ride. And I kept forcing myself to focus on these great things that had happened in that day instead of focusing on the negative. And in the end, my AC is back, the water is back. However, it was so gross. I don't even want to tell you how, like, dirt came out when they finally turned it back on. It was a day, it was weird. Really weird situation. But again, first world problems all as well. Life will go on. We're going to figure it all out. I'm so grateful for it all. But focus on those small ones during the day. Focus on the kind people in your life. Focus on the surprises that you never would have anticipated or expected. And the more you lead with that positive attitude, the more good is going to come back to you. That's how I'm playing it anyway.

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All right, so I want to get to a story about my son that was interesting that happened last week. This was super, super wild. Okay, so I had a dinner last week and I got home late and when I got home, he was already asleep. He had school the next morning early. And I'm going through email before I go to bed and I see there's an email from his teacher. I click on the email now, mind you, I have not had any issues with my, well, not any, but I have very few issues with or problems with my son since really the pandemic. He's just been incredible. I'm so grateful. I'm so blessed. It's without a doubt the shining light in my life. I'm so proud of him. He's such a wonderful human. Okay, well, on this day, there is an email saying that a teacher is upset with him and that the email went to myself and to his father and basically saying, listen, he's not doing well. I don't know specifically, I don't remember the exact words, but it was not good. It was a negative email saying that, you know, something needed to be done, my son was not doing well, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, what? This kid's been doing so great. I can't even believe that someone thinks he's not doing so great. Right. Well, anyhow, first thing the next morning, my son's up, I'm up, I'm making him breakfast, and I say, hey, I saw this email last night. What is going on? And he looks at me and he says, mom, this just can't be right. I just, I don't know what she's talking about. I am doing great and there's nothing to worry about. I Said, well, are you gonna handle this? Because you can't just leave this, like, with no response. We can't let it sit like this. What are you gonna do? And he said, I got it. Don't worry. And I said, okay. So he left. And I had no idea what he was gonna do. Okay, but get ready for this. First of all, I wanna say this. He's respectful in his response. He was thoughtful in his response, but he was incredibly direct. And I'm so proud of him because I don't think I would have ever handled it this way. I think I would have handled it from the standpoint of being apologetic and blaming myself, but which so often happens. And I want to share how he handled it because I think he handled it the right way. And it just reminded me that's exactly how I'm going to handle issues moving forward. And I hope you handle them this way as well. Even if someone is your superior, even if someone is your teacher, even if you work for someone or they're in a position of power, when you have a truth, own it. Own it respectfully, with kindness, but own it and without apology. So here's his response. I saw your email, but I have some questions. When I was out during COVID he had Covid. A few weeks ago, I missed two homework and one classwork assignment worth 10 points that I was unable to do because I was not in class. Are these assignments excused because I wasn't in class? Alternatively, am I able to complete those assignments because I had an excused absence for the week due to Covid as well as my notebook check? I understand it was not the most organized and missing one postulate, but I.

Would like to see if you have.

A notebook so I can reference mine to it to see what else could have caused me to get the points off. Can we discuss this in more details in class? Thank you so much. So what I love that he did there was. Listen, I'm sure his notebook was probably a disaster, right? But what he's saying is, can you show me what success looks like so I can emulate that? Right? So basically asking for help, like, show me what good is so that I can try to replicate that. But penalizing me right out of the gates without showing me what good is is probably not the best, you know, strategy. He doesn't say that, but it's implied. And then he asked for help. Can we meet about this, you know, and work on it together? But at no point in the email does he apologize. At no point does he say, I'm so sorry that you felt I wasn't doing well. That's what most people would do. I certainly think I would have definitely handled it that way. And sometimes people won't even speak up. Right. He was upset about that email just as I was. But instead of saying, like, oh, gosh, I guess we're just going to have to, you know, try to make it up next semester. And he said, no, that's not okay. This isn't okay by me. And he was thoughtful in the response. So I'm reminding you today, you don't need to apologize just because someone's a superior to you. A teacher, a supervisor, or in a position of power. You don't need to bow down to them. Yes, you should approach people with respect, kindness, understanding, and empathy. And you should ask for help when you need it. But you can be very direct and you don't need to apologize to handle a challenging situation. I'm so proud of him with that one. Okay, so the next thing that I wanted to share this is a question that came in actually on a DM on Instagram. Surreal story. So years and years and years ago, I used to watch Tony Robbins. You know, he had, like, TV products, and he was in my sphere, right. Somehow I was on a list or something. I used to get his information, and so I would consume his content. I saw his Netflix special. I've read, you know, his books. Anyhow, I've gone down the rabbit hole well, as I've gotten into personal development over the last six years and taken a lot of stages with a lot of the same speakers that he has on his stages. And I've started, you know, putting out there like, that's a state that's. Listen, I have a lot of goals in life, which I'm sure you do, too, and you need to own them and rock them. And I think about them at different times. That's one of them, right? Like, I want that stage because I can reach so many people that I know I can impact in a way that I aren't currently being impacted by him or the lineup he has. Because I'm different, right. And I'm female, frankly, as part of it as well. But I just know. I know that I could impact these people and help a lot of people. Cut to. Gosh, this is. I don't even know how many years ago it was. 2020. No, I do know it was. So it's three years ago. I had his business partner, Dean Graziosi, on my show. We hit it off. Okay. So we've Been in contact over the last couple years. I had him back on my show this year. He had me on his show this year, and at the end of his show, he said, heather, there's something about you. I just feel like we should be doing some work together. I'm like, hello, can you see my hand? It's raised. I'm all in. Let's go. I'm thinking to myself, like, this is potential to get on, you know, this big stage, reach the millions of people they're helping and help people in a way that they aren't currently being served. Holy cow, count me in. Like, how do I make it happen? But again, navigating with people that you don't have close business relationships with can always be a bit complex and you don't understand. And they have a huge company with so many moving parts and I started meeting with so many different people. Anyhow, bottom line is this, to make a long story short, they end up bringing me in and doing a talk for them and doing a course for them. Well, that course course went live last week. I believe it was last week on mastermind.com, which is Tony Robbins and Dean Grazios, one of their companies. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity. They featured me on the COVID of their magazine this month. I mean, incredible. These are like, you know, big game changing moments for your business, for your brand, and for your ability to impact and help other people. So I was super excited about it. Needless to say, I've received a ton of messages from people in their community that are now consuming my content, now consuming my course, and that my course is helping. So I'm super grateful for that and grateful for the opportunity to work with these icons in this industry. So I got one specific question that I thought was really good that I wanted to dive into today and just do the best I can to answer it. Okay, so the course that we launched last week is finding your voice. The importance of finding your voice and using and amplifying your voice. Okay, so one of the notes I got back says, hey, this is great. I know I can learn so much about this and thank you. Please could you advise me on when not to use my voice as I'm still finding it hard to find the balance, the right moments, when to speak up, especially when I'm around new people and who might try to mind read, interpret facial expressions, body language. Any advice would be awesome. I found that question super interesting. Right? Because in my opinion, you should always use your voice if it's coming from A true, authentic, good place, Right? Meaning I'm not saying if someone triggers you, you might need some time to sit with those thoughts and process them and you know and understand why you're being triggered. You always want to respond, not react in a situation like that. But if you're in a situation where you're with people and you want to show up and be yourself, use your voice as you see fit. That's how you should live your life. Okay, that's my first response in my mind when I read this. He goes on to say, let me give you a little bit more context. Amazingly, honestly, I believe I've used my voice at times the right way. But moving forward in my job, my home and public life, I need to serve others by controlling how to bring the best out in people without being too overbearing, too confident or too intimidating. Naturally, when I follow my heart and relax, it's often really positive. I'm not going to get into the details, but in one arena I led in this way and it's with positivity, with passion, and it was felt by others and the energy was high. It fits. But I struggle with how to be constructive and not hurt feelings at times. Hope this provide context and 100 need to start practicing. Well, first of all, yes, practicing is so important, right? I saw a post Gary Vee put up yesterday and was like, you can't learn to swim just by reading about swimming. You got to get in the pool and swim. You can't learn to be a great cook just by watching the cooking channel every day. You gotta cook, right? So the same thing here. If you're struggling with finding your voice, you need to start using it and being honest with yourself and being self aware. But I still go back to it sounds to me more like this idea of being too confident or too intimidating, that's not true. There's no such thing as too confident. That is a confusion for a lot of people. I know this firsthand because I've been there. When I was really insecure, I would act overbearing. I would act really loud because I didn't want people to see that I wasn't the most confident person in the room, that I wasn't the most qualified, that I wasn't the smartest or whatever it was, I was trying to hide something, right? The more you own and rock your shame, your flaws, the things that maybe other people could judge you about, whatever it is, the more confident you are, the less you need to be overbearing, the more understanding and empathetic you can be. So to me it's more. It's not so much about finding your voice in that instance, it's about finding your confidence. So to my friend that sent me this note, read Confidence Creator. Oh my gosh. Read Overcome youe Villains or listen to both on Audible. Both of those books will help you so much. I have a 30 day accountability program on my website. It's free. It's heather monahan.com Go sign up for it. It will totally help you. Right. Work on the building blocks of confidence, even though you might not think that's what it is. To me, that's kind of what I'm hearing here is that you may be getting triggered by something situations. I'm not sure exactly why, but if you're coming across overbearing, if you're coming across, quote unquote, too confident and intimidating, it's either that you're actually feeling insecure and you're trying to make up for it in the moment, or you're not with your people. And I don't have that answer for you. You need to figure that out right to that end, and this is why I say go get my two books. Because I get into all of this. At one point in my life during corporate America, I was working side by side with a woman who couldn't stand me. And I constantly tried to dial down my personality, dial down my light, to hopefully make her feel better. That was not the answer. She increased in power, I decreased in my confidence and I increased in self doubt. It was a complete, complete disaster. That was a situation where I was not with my people and I wasn't owning my confidence. Right. So you need to figure out what that is for you. But the whole goal in life is to get to a place where you trust yourself. And I truly believe I'm there now. I certainly, I don't overthink things. I speak my truth. And what you'll find is when you speak your truth, you show up as that real version of yourself. Flaws and all, super important flaws and all. But when you show up as who you really are and are transparent, those right people will be attracted to you and it won't be an issue so much anymore that you're intimidating people. Those people will be champions with you and you can be champions for them along the way. Check out the two books, Confidence Creator and Overcome youe Villains. Overcome youe Villains is on major sale right now on Amazon, by the way. And both are on audible. I highly recommend the audible on both of them. They both have incredible reviews.

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Now I want to get into this past week I gave a talk for CVS Health and it was a smaller group than I typically speak for, so I took a very different approach and it was super interesting. All of the responses that I saw and all the reviews I got were about this one exercise that I did. I'm sharing it with you because I want you to be able to share it with your team, with your company, or with your circle of peeps and community in your life. I used to do this every year in corporate America at this time around Thanksgiving, around the holidays. Just felt meaningful. But it was so cool to be able to do this with a team that had never done it before. It doesn't matter if you've ever done it before or have never done it before. It's just as empowerful either time. So take the idea, run with it, and have fun with it. But what we did was we said, I kind of just stopped the program and I said, listen, I just have this sense that we need to do this exercise right now. It's going to be really meaningful, impactful and helpful for you guys. So often at work, what we do is we talk about where we're falling short, you know, missed opportunity, what ball got dropped and like, how can we do it better next time, right? The post deal, loss, moratorium and of course, and that should be done. That's one of the ways that when we do a SWOT analysis, how we get better, right? So all these things have a place and make sense. However, I just find it super meaningful, especially during Thanksgiving holiday, to take a moment in business and in life and say, what are the one, two or three things that you could say that you're grateful for about that person? It could be about their character. It could be about specific stories and instances in business and in life that you've gone through in the last year. It could be about what you admire about them, anything, whatever comes to mind first for you. And then I give a bunch of papers out to everybody and they go one by one in silence and write down the person's name at the top of the paper and the one, two or three things that they're grateful for about them in the last year. And it Is so incredibly moving. When they were finally finished with the exercise, they distributed the papers, and I'm like, you guys, let's. I get so excited because I want to know. They had never done an exercise like this before. I said, you guys, who wants to read some of them aloud? I'm dying to hear. None of them wanted to, and I thought that was super interesting. I understand. And it is a personal experience. What's so cool is they get to take those papers home. And everyone had traveled into Miami for the event, and so they were all going to be flying out the next day. And the amount of notes and messages I saw when people were on the airplane reading and rereading these notes over and over again and crying on the plane ride home. That's what life is all about, right? It's about connecting with people, about people really seeing you, People understanding you, appreciating you. You appreciating them. Empathy, love, kindness. I don't know. And what's so cool about it is you get to keep those papers, right? So. And you keep them somewhere special. Oh, my gosh. I have an office, an extra bedroom in my house completely full of papers like that. I've saved them throughout my whole entire career. And anytime I'm having a tough time, I go back and remind myself, oh, this is how I could help. Oh, these are the ways that I could impact people in a positive way. Oh, this is why I'm here. So do this exercise. Do it with your team. Do it with your company. Do it with your tribe, do it with your peeps. But do it because the world becomes a better place One person at a time. And this is one exercise that you can bring forward that I promise you will make you feel better about a lot and will make those around you feel a heck of a lot better, too. And they will save those notes. Okay? So at Thanksgiving, every year in my life, first of all, I love games. I think games are so fun, and I. I just have so much fun playing games with people that I love. So every Thanksgiving, my whole entire life that I can ever remember, we always go around the table and everyone goes through three things they're grateful for or one thing about each person at the table that they're grateful for. Or it doesn't matter how you play the game. It's just important to make the day about gratitude. And when you sit down to be together and have Thanksgiving dinner, it's such a great opportunity to reflect on that year, to reflect on the people there, to reflect on. On everything about Gratitude. So take that time. Send that note to that person that you've been thinking about. You know, acknowledge everybody at your Thanksgiving. Play the game. Be the one to initiate the game if you haven't before, and I'll tell you. Last year, we went to a friend of mine for Thanksgiving, and we had never been to their home before for Thanksgiving, and it was so cool. He had a very different style of game that he played, which I loved. I love new games. I think you might, too, so I'll share it with you. He had ripped up a bunch of pieces of paper with things that he had written down. And then at random, everyone would pull a piece of paper, and then you had to answer the gratitude question. Right. And so it could be anything. It could be, you know, what was your most memorable experience over the last year that you're grateful for? What one person sitting at the table right now do you want to publicly thank and give gratitude to? Like, it could be anything, right? So he wrote all these different, different questions. You don't know what you're gonna get. And then you have to just on the spot, answer it when you get it. It was super fun. It was very different. But have fun. Have fun with gratitude. Have fun with letting people know how you really feel about them. Life is real short, and too often we let time go by where people don't even really know how much we appreciate them. So I appreciate you, that is for sure. Thank you so much for being here. Okay, so two quick things that I want to get to, and then I'm going to let you go. I'm going to let you rock on with your day. I'm going to pray that you have the best Thanksgiving and are spending it with people that you love. And for anyone out there that struggles with the holiday, I want to say this. Oh, I so see you. I get you. I have had so many years where I have. You are not alone. You are seen. You are in good company. And this, too, shall pass. You know, hang in there. And gosh, I was just speaking to somebody yesterday about this. That's not going to be with family that doesn't have friends to be with. Do not isolate yourself. Ask someone for help. Raise your hand and let people know where you are, and watch who shows up for you. I promise you that you will be overwhelmed by the love. And I received a note the other day from one of my girlfriends saying, I'm really struggling right now. I said, hey, come over my house. Like, where are you at? Come on, let's go. Let's go for a walk. Like, let's spend some time together because there's always something good that can come out of not isolating yourself and not being alone. And I promise you, people will want to help you. When people get the chance to help you, they're actually elevating their spirits and reminding themselves how good they can be and the good they can do in the world. So give them that opportunity. Raise your hand, ask for help. 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