#381: Navigating Triggers With Ease: Proven Hacks For Overcoming Triggering Situations With Heather!

Come on this journey with me each.

Week when you join me, we are.

Going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Fasten your seatbelts. I'm ready for my close up. Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so a couple of things I wanted to share since we're in holiday season right now. Oh my gosh. My book. Confidence Creator and Overcome youe Villains are incredible and gifts for someone you love that you know is not living up to their potential, is facing adversity, is not feeling their most confident. These books are game changers. Go into Amazon or Audible and read the reviews. They're incredible and I'm so proud of them. And Amazon keeps putting Overcome youe Villains on sale, by the way. So every time I turn Amazon on, The book is 50% off. It's the audiobook for $5. And then the other day, Confidence Creator, the audible was free with a free trial. So amazing gifts. I promise you I would not steer you wrong. Confidence Creator is the steps and roadmap to create confidence in your life. Overcoming your villains is the keys to removing negativity and overcoming challenges in your life. And I promise you, read the reviews. You'll love it. If you know someone that is not their most confident, that is facing adversity and needs a hand, these are the gifts that will set them up for their best year yet in 2024. Okay, so another amazing gift. I am so obsessed with this product and I've been using it now a little over five months. It's one skin. I've talked to you about it before. It has changed my skin. I saw someone yesterday that I hadn't seen in two months and they said to me, you literally get younger every time I see you. I swear. Because then I've gotten DMs from you guys saying, is this real? It is real. The eye product just won the Glamour 2023 Beauty Product of the Year Innovation Product of the Year. It's incredible. That eye product has the highest OSO1 peptide out of any of the products in the line. I'm obsessed with it. The body product is incredible. The difference I've seen in my legs since I've started using this is it's the only skincare product that can scientifically reverse the signs of aging.

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I promise you. Go to the link in the show notes below. I'm giving you 15% off right now. There are so many incredible options for you. I would Just get the subscription of the eye product, the face and body product. That's. If I had to like only get three things that those are the three I would get. That's for man, woman, for anyone. It's simple, it's easy. Oh, there's a money back guarantee. A 45 day money back guarantee. Why? Because it's guaranteed to work. The science does not lie. It's incredible. So such an incredible product for a gift for someone for the holidays. Such an important gift for you. If you are struggling with your skin or feel like you're not looking your best. I promise you, it's a game changer. And I have two episodes specifically about one skin. Go check them out so you can learn the science behind it. I'm so adamant about getting this message out there because if I hadn't known about it, I wouldn't look as good as I look and then I'd be pissed. That's not fair. Right. Somebody would have a hack on me that I didn't have. I want to make sure you have all the hacks, you have all the best information so that you're empowered to make better decisions. And they have these incredible little travel kits, trial sizes, so you can get small sizes first if you want to do that. But again, if it was up to me, I have everything, literally every product in one skin. And that's all I use in my skin. However, if I had to pick three, definitely the eye product, that's the highest concentrate of the OS O1 peptide. The face. Absolutely. And the body. Those are the three must haves. And then I would get them on subscription because when you do that with my link, you get 15% off in perpetuity forever. So do that. If you ever want to cancel, you can cancel, but like set yourself up for the big discount so that you save as much money as possible. Okay, so that was my rant there. All right, so today I want to talk about something, my own issue. But as you know, whenever I feel like I'm seeing messages repeated somehow in my life, I know it's a message I need to bring forth to you. Well, in the past couple weeks, I've seen this message twice from other people that I love and again, not people I judge, not people that I don't like, people I love that literally are like family to me from friends that are like family and then myself over the weekend. Okay? And it's all about getting triggered and how we respond and or shut down when we're triggered. Why I wanna share this is I had some observations with my friends when they got triggered and I watched as an outsider kind of observing. I wasn't triggered cause I wasn't the one in the throw of it. But as I watched them, I knew instinctively what it was they needed. And I don't remember feeling like that when I was younger. Like I was able to observe and process it in a really mature way with solutions, which is I had never really done that before. Okay, that's kind of embarrassing. And then, oh my gosh, wait till you hear this one. If you've been with me for a while, then you know, business I've got on lock. I feel like God has blessed me with a very strong business savvy and business mind and I'm able to not get triggered around work pretty much at all. And if I do, I can really manage it without emotion. However, in my personal life, when I get triggered, oh boy, watch out. It's not good, right? That's a weakness of mine and something I've been working on for a really long time. And I did not handle it flawlessly this weekend. No, I did not. But I had a major improvement. And I want to share with you, okay? Because I want to set you up for success so that you don't have to get triggered because that is definitely something I've been working on for a while.

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Remember number one, when you get triggered, you're letting somebody Else control you. You're letting somebody else dictate how you react to something that's not cool. Your energy should be for yourself to be put to that. You want for positivity, for good, for growth, for doing good in the world, not for reacting and responding to somebody else. Right. In a negative way. Okay, so the first one example that I have for you was it's one of my really good friends and her daughter, and they were in an argument. Suddenly it escalated quickly. Right? That happens when people who spend a lot of time together, you know, the things that annoy somebody. Right. And you can play the game with them and you can push their buttons and. And things can move fast. Right. The argument can get out of control real quickly. And that's what happened. Happens a lot with parents and kids, obviously, totally normal. But I was sitting there observing, and pretty soon, within five minutes, they weren't even listening to each other. They were just talking over each other louder and louder. But it wasn't going anywhere. It was just spiraling to nowhere.

Right?

The irony is, as I was watching it, I was kind of laughing. It wasn't a bad fight or anything. It was just kind of a normal thing that you have with your kids or anyone that you love when they're just pushing your buttons. The funny thing was they were talking about two totally different things. And what was cool is one of them said something like, oh, you know, it's not even like I'm asking to go that early, or. And the mom said, wait a minute. What time were you asking? And when the daughter explained in detail what it was, she actually was asking. This is after they've been now fighting for five or 10 minutes. There was nothing to fight about. Someone got triggered in the beginning and shut down listening. And it was just so interesting to watch. Luckily, because one person started giving more detail or framing it up in a different way, explaining it in a different way, the other person was able to hear. So it was just a good reminder that sometimes when we get triggered, we're fighting about nothing. And if we pause for a moment, explain it in a different way, maybe the other person can hear it in a different way. And then we realize there's nothing to resolve because there never really was an issue. So that was the first lesson that I saw that was super powerful. And we were all laughing after this whole argument wrapped after 10 minutes because there never was an argument. They just pushed each other's buttons. Someone got triggered, and nobody was listening to the other person until one person teed it up Differently, summed it up differently, expressed it differently, and the other person finally could hear. So it was just a good reminder. Tee things up differently. Don't get triggered. Don't react to what somebody else says or does. Stay calm. And saying things in a different way can land differently with people. And maybe that's the way that they can hear you. Okay, the next one was with the husband and wife, really great friends of mine. And of course, when you don't live with someone, you don't know the things they argue about all the time. Everybody's got their own things, right? Like, my son and I have our own things. Like, everybody has their own triggers or issues in their own home. And when you're not there all the time, you don't get triggered by it because you never hear the things that you could care less. You're not emotionally tied to it, which is super helpful when someone gets triggered. So two people I love very much that love each other, they're soul mates, best friends, married for a long time, and super happy. One of them triggered the other. And as I was observing it happen, I saw her get triggered. He was not triggered. She was triggered, and she was spiraling fast. Oh, my God. Shutting down.

He was not.

He was still acting calm. He was still acting normal. You know, he was not bothered by the disagreement at all. But she was hot on emotion, not reacting in a sensical way. Like, it didn't really make sense how mad she got, because of course, she's reacting from, let's say, two years of this argument or this disagreement, right? He was staying calm. I'm observing it for the first time, and I'm thinking, this is crazy, right? She's completely spiraled for no reason. But again, it's all build up over the last couple of years as they've had this conversation many times, which is what, you know, they told me afterwards. But as I'm watching it, I can see she's making no sense. She's getting so hot in the face. She's so upset. And I realize the dam just broke, right? Like, this is all two or three years of upset coming out right now. It makes no sense. It's totally disjointed and disconnected. And this woman is triggered. And so I just realized she just needed a hug. Like she felt like she was being attacked, but she wasn't. So I got up and I went over to her and I just hugged her. And I said, listen, I love you. You are not being attacked. Take a deep breath. We are with you. We all support you here. We all love you here. You don't have to defend yourself. Just give me a hug. And it was funny because I remembered or I thought of that because another friend of mine was talking about how his brother is such a good father, and one day his toddler was spiraling out of control, throwing a tantrum. And instead of yelling at the kid and putting him in timeout and doing all the things that most parents do, he said, you need a hug, don't you? And he just went and picked up the child and hugged him, and the child calmed down. I was taught through a story of a friend, right, that sometimes when someone's throwing a tantrum or is triggered, they just need a hug. They need to know they're not being attacked. They need to know they're loved. And so once I did that, it kind of jolted her out of the trigger moment, and she was able to calm down and speak calmly with her husband. And he explained, I'm not attacking you. And then it was so funny because she'd asked him to say yes to something, and he had said no. And in the end, he ended up saying yes because she changed her demeanor. She changed the way she was speaking. It was just a powerful example that when we get triggered, we're reacting to things that aren't even in the room. They're not even in the present moment. They're from years ago or from a buildup of a lot of things. And it doesn't really make sense when the reality is we just want to feel loved. We want to feel cared for. We want to feel supported and seen. And once you do feel safe like that, you can have a more meaningful conversation from the present moment and from the issue that's facing you, and it gets resolved really quickly. So that was just. I don't know that you necessarily want to be hugging people at work, but definitely in your personal life, when you see someone triggered and start spiraling, it's a great tactic. And, you know, maybe you can pull someone aside at work and just sit quietly and listen to them. You know, the closest thing to hugging, if hugging is not appropriate in your workplace. Okay, so that was the second one. Then here's the third for me. This weekend, I had plans with somebody. Communication had not gone ideally, our plans got canceled and I got triggered. And I know. I know myself. I know that's a trigger for me. I know that in relationships that I feel if I'm not prioritized, it's a trigger for me, just is. And I know that about Myself, I've been working on it for so long, right? Like, you know, the things that trigger you. And if you don't take a minute to think about it or ask the people close to you, hey, what are some of the things that you think trigger me? Because it might be really interesting for you to get that perspective. Because here's the thing. When you spend all that energy, that energy leaves you. And it isn't being creative and innovative and positive and, you know, impacting your life in a beautiful, wonderful away, it's leaving as negative energy and spiraling and spinning and not helping you. Right? So who wants that? We don't need that. We need more positivity, more good. We want to keep that good energy for ourselves. So I want to set you up for success. I want to set me up for success. And I know that when I spiraled, I just reacted. It's from a lifetime of this being an issue for me that I don't like in relationships. I feel like I'm not prioritized. So I spiraled. I luckily had a friend say to me, oh, my gosh, you know, you're right. However, you are really upset. And I said, you know what? I'm just going to stop responding on the phone right now because I just need to walk away with all of the class and grace that I have and save it for another day. And that's a really good tactic to give yourself some space. Usually within 24 hours, you can calm down and cool down over anything, Right? Go for a run, take time away from it. Just stop answering the text message, don't pick up the phone, call whatever it is until you're able to be calm enough and you can say to the person, I'm upset right now. I can't speak, but happy to call you tomorrow or whatever, you know, to communicate something. We'll cut to the next day. It was very short on text because I had been triggered and I knew it and I was trying to manage it in the best way that I could, which was space. And the next day, of course, other people don't know how triggered you might be or you don't think they know. And the next day we actually started talking about it. And it was interesting because he said to me, I know you're really upset. And I was so that I'm like, oh, I thought I was so good at covering up my trigger. Clearly I was not. Right. Clearly I have no poker face, even though I think I do. But it was helpful to me. I found it helpful that he said that because it was like he called out the elephant in the room and I wasn't. So he gave me the chance to talk about it, which I like that. I don't know how you feel about that, but I thought it was super helpful that he said, hey, listen, I know you're really upset with me and I'm sorry. He said, However, I don't know that I maybe I didn't communicate this in the best way possible. However, I had other commitments for work.

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This is where years of therapy are starting to pay off. At 49. This is so pathetic. I'm kidding. So I said not wanting to get triggered and I didn't. But I know this is a topic I can get triggered around. So I'm like breathing deeply, listening intently, trying to remain calm. Yep, let's not spiral. Let's not let somebody else control me. And I said, you know what? I don't remember you saying that. However, maybe I can say it a different way. I said, this is what I remember hearing. This is what I heard. I'm not saying that's what you communicated because that's fair, right? Sometimes people think like I'm for sure I told you that I had to work that night and they think they said that. But the other person might not have heard that. Maybe the person did or did not communicate it. In some ways it's somewhat irrelevant, right? Because especially if the people have good intention, if the parties involved are good people with good hearts and kindness and coming from a place of good, then as long as the intention was there, mistakes happen. Right? And people are moving fast and at airports and running for work and this and that. So in that moment I tried to reframe it as okay, I'm not sure what it was you communicated. This is what I heard. And maybe that's what you communicated, maybe it's not. But I just wanted to let you know that's what I heard. And so it kind of gave both of us the out that I was upset because I had heard something very differently than he had and he was saying, I thought that I had communicated very clearly to you. I still, to this point, I don't think he did. But it's neither here nor there. And that was What I said to him, I said, listen, I know that you're coming from a place of good. And this was not done intentionally. And I didn't respond this way intentionally either. However, I heard something different, and that's what's brought us to this issue. But because we both took that stance, we were able to clear it up so quickly, and it wasn't an issue moving forward. Now, when I was younger, I would have, oh, boy, that would have been a major trigger moment. I would not have handled it that calmly. I would not have reframed it and tried to say, you know what? This is what I heard. I'm not sure what you said. I wouldn't have tried that strategy. So I'm giving you this strategy to say. So much of our life is spent around arguing when we're not hearing the person arguing, when there was never an intention to hurt someone, arguing when someone else just forgot to communicate something. And that's not time well spent, and that's not energy well spent. We're meant to love the life we live and love the people in our lives and do good and be a light and live your best life. And to do that, it's about giving ourselves grace and giving others grace too, and doing it in a way that respects your boundaries and respects who you are, but also communicates in the best way possible. So what was cool after that situation, this was really cool was later on that day, I was back and forth on text message with the same person I had this trigger moment with, and he was giving me so much communication, and I had to call it out and say, oh my gosh, you're doing such a great job communicating. Thank you so much. Once you see when you ask someone to say, hey, I don't think that was the communication I got. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Maybe I just didn't hear you correctly. That's not what I heard. However, it is super helpful when you communicate more with me because then I understand what's going on. And when that person then in turn tries and you can see them trying, it's really important to praise that behavior because praise the behavior you want, ask for what you want, and then praise the behavior you want. The same way that when you don't get it, you want to have a discussion around it and talk about how you can improve it. And that goes for if it's a relationship at work, if it's a relationship with your child, with a loved one, a spouse, it doesn't matter, right? With anyone, when someone gives you the behavior that you're asking for, praise them. You'll get more of it. And so it was just so cute to see how quickly that adjustment was made and it was all good in the end. So that was the three examples around being triggered, different ways to handle them and hopefully one of those solutions arms you so that the next time you're getting triggered you can unravel it really quickly and put your energy and efforts to doing more good in the world and benefiting you in more positive ways and not wasting time so that you can live a life that you love. Okay, so again, back to it. If you're looking for holiday gifts, Confidence creator, overcome your villains One skin. Those are my top three picks and here's why. Those three things will change your life. I'm all about life gifts, life changing products and life changing books and those are my top three for you. So I hope you're having the most amazing week. I hope you're creating confidence on the daily and I hope these three examples empower you and encourage you to unravel triggers the next time you're confronted with them. Until next week, keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.