#383: The Stop Apologizing Challenge: How To Empower Yourself In Work & Relationships With Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Fasten your seatbelts. I'm ready for my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so one of my friends came to me this weekend and was telling me that she so appreciates when I post about the idea that just because you say no to someone doesn't mean that you're wrong and that you're responsible for how they feel. You're entitled to say no to anyone at any point in time and keep it moving. You don't need to apologize for it. And so it made me think about a chapter in my first book, Confidence Creator, where I give a one week challenge to stop apologizing. And even more important than stopping apologizing to reframe it as thanking people. Now, here's the thing. Especially during the holiday times, you might be invited to a lot of work events, parties. In Miami, Art Basel is right around the holiday time, which is a huge art event that takes over our city for one week. There are so many events, there's so much craziness going on, and everyone kind of has this idea that you're supposed to go to this, you're supposed to be here, you should do this. Which means sitting in a lot of traffic, it means getting ready, it means leaving your kids, it means missing dinner at home. I mean, it means a lot of different things, right? Because when you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to a lot of other things. And oftentimes you could just be saying no to yourself when you just don't want to go. And I will tell you, I went to way too many things in the past week, AKA Art Basel. And it reminded me, one night I got home and I was just exhausted and I didn't have fun. And I remember thinking what a waste tonight was. I didn't get to see my son. I didn't make my son dinner. I don't even know how his day went because I left before, before he got home from basketball. And he was asleep before I got home. And here I was, I was at an event with people, that one person I cared about, but other than that, people I don't even know. You know, why did I even do that? And that was, of course, on the heels of having gone out the four nights prior. And I'm tired. And I mean, you get the point, right? I should have said no. And I didn't. I pushed myself. And then when I got home, I was feeling bad about. It was like a downward spiral. It was not good. Right. So lesson learned. And I need to take my own advice a little bit bit more often. Don't we all? And so I was just thinking about it for you today. If you are feeling tired, if you are feeling that you're trying to do all these different things for other people to show up, for them, to support them, and I'm here for it. I'm so. I am that person. But I also know I pushed myself way too much in the last week, and I'm done doing that. I'm not gonna apologize for it. I'm going to thank people for understanding. I'm going to let them know I'm fully committed and I appreciate their understanding. And I'll take a rain check next time when I have more flexibility in my schedule. I'd love to do that with you. Right. And just handle it in a positive fashion and keep it moving. You have no idea how often people say no to me. I reached out to a friend of mine. My son wanted tickets for the Heat game on Christmas. And I reached out to my friend and I asked him, I said, hey, can I get your Heat tickets for Christmas? And he says, oh, shoot. I'm so sorry, Heather. I actually gave them to somebody a month ago that had, you know, come in earlier and asked me. Didn't hesitate to be like, no, let me find a way to get them back. Right? Like, make excuses. No. He's like, oh, bummer. I already gave them away to someone. You know, keep it moving. All right, Rock on. And I didn't take it personally either. Okay, great. Well, thanks for trying. Or, you know, thanks for the response. Anyhow, he ended up giving me tickets to another game. And it worked out great. But the point is this. You don't need to feel bad saying no to people. Other people don't feel bad saying no to you. And if there's someone in your life that you're like, oh, my gosh, this person is so good at saying no. I always walk away from them thinking, I didn't even miss a beat. Channel that person the next time you're gonna say no to somebody else, you do not need to feel bad about it in any circumstance. And don't push yourself like I did in the last week. Cause that just started a downward spiral that we don't even wanna get into. Bad decisions were made. I was exhausted. I was beating myself up. And sending text messages I should not have been right. So get in a better head state, get rest, put yourself first and remember, anytime you're saying yes to something, you're saying no to a lot of other things. So make sure you're saying yes to the things that matter for you.

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That made me think of one of the chapters from my first book, Confidence Creator, where I have this one week challenge about not apologizing, stopping, apologizing, and I'll tell you that made a profound difference in my life. Before I get into this because I'm gonna actually read you this chapter. It's super short. This is gonna be a very short episode. I'm coming in hot, hitting you with some wisdom that I need in my life. That's what I'm usually doing and hoping it benefits you in some way. Okay, so here's the thing, and I put a post up about this on LinkedIn the other day this year. When you give gifts, give gifts that change people's lives, it doesn't need to be anything I'm talking about. It can be whatever you think. But to me, if you're giving someone a shirt or whatever, keep it moving on that one too. Give people a gift that could really impact their lives for the long haul. That's a book. In my opinion, a book is definitely something that can change people's lives. Whether that be a prayer book, whether that be Confidence Creator or overcome your villains or anything else right Some of the big impactful things in my life that got me to start thinking differently are the times that somebody's gifted me a book that they loved that changed their life, that was meaningful to them. Those kind of lasting impressions, those kinds of gifts make a big difference. And when you think about giving a gift, you want to give something that's special for someone and that's meaningful. That's how I like to give gifts. And I will tell you, one of the most meaningful gifts that I give people that they go crazy for is Taja candles. T A J A Candles. Oh my gosh. Go on Instagram. You can follow them there, Google them. You can order custom made candles. Every time I give someone a custom made candle, they go crazy. They love it. So it's again, thinking about what's thoughtful and special for people and unique to them. Okay, so I'm gonna read you a chapter from my first book, Confidence Creator. By the way, Forbes named this book, I think it was 2022. It was the number one book to give women in business. Or it was top five. Yeah, I think it was top five. I could be exaggerating. I don't remember which number it was on the list, but it was top five. And I will tell you this book, the reviews that I have read in this book, I'm gonna read you a couple real quick right now. Just so you understand, I'm not making this up. You can go to Amazon, Audible, any of them and read this. Okay. This is a good one. It gave me confidence enough to do this. I'm a man. There, I said it. Lol. But this book can be for men too, because we all have the same fears when it deals with self confidence. I'm a professional in accounting, a standup comedian, and a divorced single father of a young daughter.

And.

And for all areas of my life, I needed to read this book. I will apply most of this in my comedy career because that's the one I truly want to end up with. That's so good. So I thank this book for the tips and powerful words and I'll even try it in high heels. Lol. Okay, you don't need to be a woman to read this book. It's Confidence Creator, not Confidence Creator for girls. So. And that's funny. I self published this book. I know this firsthand because my second book I did with HarperCollins leadership. Everybody wanted me to just write for women. I don't just create podcasts for women. I don't just create posts for women. I don't Just create books for women. I create content for people that need it, that people like me, that need to remind themselves to put their best foot forward, to be confident, to say no to others when you want to and not feel bad about it. To put yourself first, to step into your power, to take risks, to swing big and keep swinging. Even when you have days you're missing a lot. So you don't have to apologize. If you're a man and you're reading my content, if you're a man and listening to this podcast, it's all for you. I do not discriminate. Okay, next one. What every female needs to hear. This would make a great graduation gift. Get it for all the ladies in your life. Heather, I am so glad you wrote this book. I will reread it and I will be giving it as a gift to many. Okay, so that was just a couple of the reviews of this book. There's so many hundreds more. I'm so proud of this book. I wrote this book when I didn't even know what it was to write a book. This is my first little baby that I created. I'm super proud of it. But I will tell you, my second book, Overcome youe Villains. Amazon keeps putting it on sale. Like, I mean, the hardcover is like $6 right now, which is unbelievable. The retail price on my second book is I think it's $30, $28. I'm not sure, but it's a lot more. It's expensive. All of these books have one prime day delivery, one day delivery, and can be gifted and received far in advance of Christmas. But I will tell the other gift that I'm sharing with people that I highly recommend is if you have anyone in your life, especially if they're in their 30s, fort or 60s, get one skin. The link is in the comments below. This product, I've been on it now for over five months. My father is in town right now visiting and he said to me, I have never seen you look better. Heather, I'm 49 years old. My father's known me my whole life, obviously, but he said, you literally, I don't know what it is. You've never looked better. Clearly I need to gift my father one skin for Christmas. One skin is so simple. It's essentially three products. The eye cream, which Glamour named 2023 Innovation Product of the Year, it's game changing. It's got the strongest content of peptide out of the entire line. I'm obsessed with it. I don't know if you remember this, but I Fell down the stairs. A year ago, I had this horrible bump on my head and literally it didn't really go away until I started using one skin. Fact, I swear this product heals your skin from the inside out. The body product. My legs were looking creepy no longer. My legs look killer right now. I'm so proud of them. I'm wearing dresses so much more than I had been because I just wasn't feeling. You know, when you don't feel confident in your skin, you're not rocking it, you're covering it up. Stop covering it up. Get one skin now. So the three products are the eye product, the face and the body. That's it. It's so simple. And here I was using Retin A and serums and vitamin Cs and I was using product lines with like 10 different elements to it. Bye guys. Move out of the way. Stick with the three products. Keep it easy, keep it powerful with the OS 01 peptide and get one skin now. And they even have mini products so that you can gift mini products to people if that's your jam. If you'd rather do some smaller things, but I'm going to highly suggest get the subscription. At least get the eye on subscription immediately. But really you need the eye, the face and the body. Get them on subscription because then you can use my 15% off code. Click the link in the show notes below. You automatically get the 15% off. You can cancel at any time and there's a 45 day money back guarantee. That's for a reason. Because you won't use it. Because the product is game changing. You're worth it. Give gifts that change people's lives. They'll never forget it. Okay, so here we go. We're going to cut over to my one week challenge, which is chapter seven in my first book, Confidence Creator. What's great about this book is it's such an easy read. None of these chapters are intense or long. And you can pick this book up at any point in time, jump into a chapter and just put it down, walk away from it, and two days later pick it back up again. It's nothing. Where it's not daunting, it's not heavy lifting, it's super easy read. And every single chapter has something powerful that you can implement into your life. On the daily. Here we go. It's chapter seven, the one week challenge. Oh, and did I mention I read the audible? Well, of course I do. I stopped comparing myself to others at the gym, but Barry's bootcamp helped shine a light on some other negative behaviors that were hurting my confidence and preventing my growth. I shifted my perception so I felt empowered on the treadmill, but as soon as we moved to the floor to lift weights, everything changed. I found myself scrambling between 30 different people trying to get weights. At times it was chaotic and stressful. One day while making the mad dash, I caught myself saying sorry over and over again. It hit me. I just went from a situation where I felt empowered to a situation where I felt like I was in the way.

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What other times do I feel that same way? It's a good question to ask yourself. I realized that it didn't occur only at the gym. I had been apologizing to everyone, including my friends, my family, my spouse, my son, my coworkers, and even strangers. On the surface, it may not seem like a big deal, but the signal I was continually sending myself multiple times a day was that I was a secondary member of society. Yet again, I was holding myself back. Men tend not to make the same faux pas, but as women, we apologize for everything. What we're really doing is making our own needs less important than the needs of others around us. We don't even realize we do it, but it's a habit that we've created and accepted over time. When I was in the Apple Store waiting to buy a charger, I noticed the female greeter kept saying, I'm sorry you had to wait so long. Why does she need to apologize to me? Because it's busy in here. I caught myself apologizing to my son's teacher when I wanted to ask her a question. Why was I sorry? I had a question. Once I realized how many times I would apologize over the course of a normal day, I was actually mad at myself. This is bs. The madness needs to stop. The next day I decided to make a change. When I made the transition from the treadmill to grab the weights, I would say excuse me instead of sorry. I wasn't going to just stop there with that situation in the gym either. I would apply it to my entire life. I turned that into my one week challenge. For seven days. I would not allow myself to say I was sorry. In social situations when I had nothing to be sorry for. I armed myself with some phrases so I would be ready in an instant. Simply saying excuse me instead of I'm sorry was a small but significant change that immediately made me feel empowered again. My conversations at work and with those closest to me changed as well. I didn't feel secondary anymore. That shift put me in the driver's seat. One ancillary benefit was that it was also a way for me to unload a lot of unnecessary guilt that had been building up. My family lived in Seattle at the time, so we didn't get to see each other often. I was constantly asked by my mother why we couldn't fly out to visit. What's funny is my father had the same conversation with me last night. By the way, I would love to bring my son to visit my mother, but it wasn't always practical. Traveling for work was beyond challenging, and when I got home from a business trip, the last thing I wanted to do was get back on a flight. However, that's not what I used to tell her. Instead, for the past decade, I would apologize that we couldn't make the trip. When I hung up, I was left feeling guilty. I decided instead to shift the conversation. Mom, as I'm sure you can understand, work travel is wearing me down and I'm not going to be able to get back on a flight again. However, I'd love to have y' all come visit us. Simple shifts in the conversation allowed me to step away from feeling guilty and offer up an alternative solution. When they would decline because the trip was expensive or because they didn't have the ability to take that time to travel, I would simply say I completely understand travel is so difficult and costly. Done. The impact that had on me was one that I immediately wanted to share, so I decided to write a blog post about it. One of the responses I received blew me over. One woman said that my intent is spot on, but that there was an even more powerful response that I could use. Try thanking people instead of apologizing. We've all been late for a meeting or an appointment before it happens. Instead of stressing out and apologizing, walk in and calmly say thank you everyone for your patience. Now let's get started. Wow, that is powerful in those situations. My first response had always been to blame myself and then beg for forgiveness. I recently had a deadline to get some papers signed and sent back to a vendor. I was unable to get my leal to approve and sign off in time, so instead of shifting into apology mode, I decided to give a different response in my email. I know that you had requested the contract changes today. Unfortunately, our legal has been unable to get to our document and won't have it completed until tomorrow. Thank you for your understanding and I look forward to having this matter resolved. Then by thinking instead of apologizing, we imply that our comments will be accepted and that we are grateful. This is the most amazing way to handle a situation that I can think of. I'm still practicing this one and definitely getting much better at it. If you're a person who frequently apologizes, try taking the one Week challenge. It will open your eyes to behavior you weren't even aware of. Stop relinquishing your power and start taking it back. I love that chapter. Okay. I love that book by the way. Confidence Creator. I wrote it in 2018. It is my first book. It is my baby and you will love it. Read the reviews, check it out again. I narrate it on the Audible. It's an amazing gift and my second book, Overcome youe Villains. Amazing as well. That one's on sale. Would love it if you would gift it to yourself or gift it to someone that you care about. And if you choose not to, I'm still your girl and I wanna let you know you don't need to give my books. You don't need to give the gifts I'm talking about. But give gifts that make a difference in people's lives. For the long haul, forget the T shirt or whatever it may be and give something that is really gonna feel special, important and has the potential to change and impact them for 20, 24 and beyond. It's all of our jobs to make the world a better place. Let's find ways, small ways that we can do it today and every day. Be the change in the world. We need you shining your light. We need you showing up right and giving love. The world needs it. We all need it.

Be the light, be the love.

Until next week. Keep creating your confidence. You know I will be. I'm gonna make it my own again. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.