#4: Let It Happen For You, Not To You with Lisa Lampanelli

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When you join me here, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. Come on this journey with me. Hi. Thanks so much for coming back with me this week and joining me on Creating Confidence. I'm so grateful to have you here with me. So today is interesting because I'm sitting here, 12 years ago today I gave birth to my son, my one and only son. And it's really got me reflecting on how different, incredibly different my life is today than it was 12 years ago. And I want to share that with you because sometimes when we get caught up in our own situations, in our day to day, we don't believe that there can be a lot of change. We believe we're stuck in this life and situation. And I'm here to tell you today that is not the case at all. So 12 years ago, I was 32 years old. I was unhappily married and I was giving birth and petrified. I had no experience being a mother. I didn't know if I would have a maternal instinct. I knew I was really good in business and leading my sales team. I was an executive vice president at the company I ended up being with for 14 years. I was doing a really good job in that lane, the business and sales lane, and I felt confident there. However, this new element of having a baby and giving birth really scared me because I didn't know how will I maintain the level of travel and the level of output that I had been delivering it and how was I going to do that and be a mother. I knew I was unhappy in my marriage. I knew that I was considering divorce, which actually happened right there after a few months after giving birth. So it was not this beautiful time for me that a lot of people describe when they talk about, you know, giving birth and being a mother. That wasn't the situation for me.

So.

So for me, I moved forward through that time and did the best that I could. And a few days after giving birth, I had had a C section. I received an email from the CEO that I worked for at the time and he asked me to board a plane and go speak to the graduating class at his alma mater in North Carolina. And sadly, I said okay. I was afraid. I didn't want to be replaced. I felt uncertain in this new world as a mother and how could I still be seen as a leader? And instead of standing up for myself and saying, are you Flipping kidding me. I just gave birth, I'm breastfeeding and I haven't even healed from my C section surgery. No, I agreed. And 10 days after I gave birth, I went to the CEO's alma mater and delivered a speech to the graduating class. Sadly, now I share that with you because I would never agree to do something like that today. And I also want to share with you how I would handle that differently today because I think it's important to see there's always alternative options available to you. So today, if I was in that situation, having just given birth, and someone I reported to reached out to me and asked that I board a plane 10 days after giving birth and deliver a speech on their behalf, I would, number one, say, oh, can I call you right now? I need to speak to you. You must not have heard, I just gave birth. I am going to go ahead and shoot a picture over to you of my newborn and give you a call in two minutes. Speak to you soon. I would then send the picture over, making it very real that my child is alive and that you need to understand. I just had a baby. And then I would call him and say, hi, did you get the picture? I'm so excited. I have this newborn. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to get my feet under me and I'm really not feeling well as I had a C section major surgery and I haven't healed. Who do you think would be a better alternative? Alternative to send on this trip since I'm still recovering and breastfeeding my brand new baby. Do you think Mark or John would be able to make this trip as they're not bleeding from surgery and I would be that direct and offer up an alternative solution that there is someone else available on the team. There's a thousand people in the company and certainly someone could make that trip who would be feeling much better and be able to represent the company better, I would not even balk at it. But again, back then I was so afraid of how I was going to move forward as a leader, be respected and deliver the way that I had, my confidence was really low. And when your confidence is low, you don't necessarily put yourself first and stand up for yourself, which is what I did. So when you Google me, there is a really awful picture of me at 32 years old giving a speech to graduating seniors in North Carolina at the CEO's alma mater 10 days after giving birth. Definitely a low moment for me, but one that I have learned from and now I really challenge myself to handle situations the best way that I can for me to get to the outcome that I want to achieve. And back then, that outcome was to care for myself and care for my baby and heal and in a positive fashion. And again, it was just an awful situation where the company didn't even have a maternity leave. When I reflect back on this, I'm disappointed I even worked for a company like that. It's really unfortunate. However, I chose not to look at those things because I was choosing to focus on my paycheck and trying to get ahead. So life has changed massively for me. Not only am I not at that company anymore. I fired that villain, but. But I now work for myself, and I put myself first all of the time. And I've learned these different ways to handle difficult situations, difficult conversations, so that I can achieve the outcome that I'm focused on and get to my goals in a way, while taking care of myself and my son, who is so important to me. So I wanted to share that story with you because 12 years has made a massive change in my life. And not only that I don't work for corporate America anymore, but that I really have learned to create confidence and put myself first. And I'm so proud of that. And you can be, too. I don't know where you are with your confidence right now, but I promise you, it's up to you to create it in every moment or any moment, whenever you're ready to do it. Now, as a new podcast host, I'm a rookie. I only have three shows under my belt, which definitely makes me a rookie, and I'm learning as I go. And I appreciate you on this journey with me. I, you know, I don't know what will resonate with you or won't. I just speak my truth and hope that it connects with you and that I can share some of the things I've learned along the way. So being a new podcast host means I'm meeting guests that I don't know, that I don't have experience with. And I'm really excited for you to meet my guest that I have with me today, because she's someone that I had created in my mind an image that, oh, this show might not go well. This woman's a comedian, and her background is that she attacks people. She's big into roasting people on Comedy Central. And what if she attacks me? You know, I got nervous not having experience being around someone like her or, you know, I didn't know her. I'd never met her before and I think there's some trepidation that comes into our minds when we're in interfacing with people that aren't like us, that we, we don't have experience being around. The reason why I'm sharing this with you is this is probably one of my favorite episodes because I connected on such a strong level with this woman. I loved her, which completely blows me away because that is not what I thought the outcome would be going into this interview. I had decided in my mind how she might behave or why I might not like her or how we different when I'm really going to challenge myself to be much more open minded. Because in fact, not only did we connect, I thought she was fantastic. I laughed so flipping hard spending time with her during the show, after the show, before the show. She's just, she's so fun and I really believe that you're going to connect with her too. She's completely vulnerable and she even takes our discussion to a place that I typically don't go, which I was grateful she did. She was talking about, you know, body images and how we see ourselves and the issue of losing weight, which again, I don't talk a lot about, but weight is an ongoing issue for me. Not like what my guest has struggled with, but to me it's been just as impactful and, and diving into this a little bit is something that is new for me, but definitely something I know so many of us struggle with. And it just reminds me that just because we don't see someone's struggles on the outside doesn't mean that they aren't struggling with them on the inside. So you never know what challenge somebody is facing. And we've got to always try to put our best foot forward and be understanding because we don't know what battle that might be. So I'm so excited for you to meet my next guest. Guest who is absolutely amazing. And I genuinely think that you'll hear the excitement in my voice. Getting to spend some time with someone who is just so fun and funny and interesting. And I learned a lot from spending time with her. And I hope you're going to too. So Pluto TV is the leading free streaming television service. Watch over 100 TV channels and thousands of movies on demand, all completely free. Are you kidding me? Pluto TV never asks for a credit card. You don't even need to sign up to watch for free. It's insane. Pluto TV is the easy and completely legal way to watch your favorite TV shows and hit movies for free.

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I am excited. So, so much fun.

Wait, if everyone could have actually just heard you a second ago. Yes, you are. She's got a career that spanned more than 30 years. She's a constant on the comedy scene, the roast scene, numerous tours, Grammy nominations, national TV guest appearances, specials under her belt. Lisa made headlines in 2012 when she lost more than 100 pounds with the help of bariatric surgery. The comedian went on to speak with unflinching honesty about her lifelong food and body image issues. Since gone from insulter to inspire, she announced her retirement from stand up on the Howard Stern show in late 2018, and is now dedicating her life to running transformational food and body image workshops, performing an issue oriented storytelling shows, and completing rigorous life coaching certification programs. So, Lisa, I'm so excited to have you here.

I must say, after you spoke all those beautiful words about me, I'm like, I am such a great guest.

I am like the best.

And I'm totally having sex with Dr. Drew. I'm just saying. Not really. Just kidding. Dr. Drew, we love you. We're just talking about what a hottie he was. Want to know what's wild about Dr. Drew?

Tell me.

I will tell you. I have not had sex in seven years. I am a celibate.

Are you lying?

Well, no. What happened was I got a divorce from Jimmy Big Balls back about four. No, four and a half years. Which shows probably why we got a divorce because I haven't had sex in seven years. But part of it was that now I'm like, just working on myself until I attract the right spiritual equal, so. Well, it helps. I know you're making a face like.

How did you do video? But I just wish people. I mean, I'm just having a hard time hearing that. That's a really long time.

Well, the thing is, not for someone who's 57, because I went through menopause. And let's put it this way, no one turns me on, like, literally. I have no sexual Feelings. But then I did Dr. Drew's podcast and I didn't actually have a sexual feeling, but I go, oh, he's handsome. So at least I'm noticing, guys.

So it's good.

That's positive.

Dr. Drew, you may open the flower. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, this man has found his mission in life.

He has, and I'm sure that's what's on his mind 24 7. How can I service Heather and Lis podcast?

One family.

Hell yeah.

Coming at you. We're all working together here. So, Lisa, you have such an interesting life, unlike any anyone I know or any story I've heard. And I'm really. There's a lot of complexities about who you are and what you've been through that I'd like to share with the audience. You know, as we look at how to really, genuinely, authentically create confidence. So I like to start off asking my guests, where was the moment that you really knew you weren't confident? You were at lowest confidence moment in your life?

That's a great, great point. Because I was never an inherently confident person at all. I think it was probably I just kept kind of not really failing fully at things, but I was like, oh, well, throughout my 20s, I kind of knew I was in journalism. I went to Syracuse for journalism when there was still a lot of newspaper work. And I just kept not being great at anything. I was fine. Like, I just didn't feel like I was ever going to be one of the great, you know, I wasn't going to be Tom Wolf and this great investigative journalist or someone who really makes a difference. So I'm like, okay, so I don't have the confidence, but I kind of want to do comedy. So kind of have nothing else to lose. I think when it's when. When I felt like I had nothing to lose, I might as well try this dopey comedy. If I suck, that's okay, I'll quit. But I'll have tried it once. So the only way I've ever gotten confidence is not by working on it, but by just taking action. Like, I think you take action and it leads to confidence versus getting confidence than taking action.

Couldn't agree more. However, and this is, you know, my experience with comedy is my new compared to yours, obviously. However, I was challenged to take a comedy class, a stand up comedy class. For me to kind of figure out where am I meant to go? What am I meant to do in my life, you know, to put myself out of my quote unquote comfort zone.

Right.

And I hated it. I mean, it's weird and hard and there's weird people. So for me to hear you say, oh, well, I just decided I'll go try, you know, comedy, that's sort of a major leap right there.

Yeah. But think about it. I would look the same way at say, nursing or being a sociologist. I'd be like, oh, my God, it's hard and weird. And there's all these people who are different from me because that's not what I was meant to do. And actually, I don't even think standup comedy is what I was meant to do. I think it was a means to an end. I think I've always wanted to just connect. I've. And I was like, how do I connect? And it didn't dawn back then that, oh my God, the reason I'm an insult comic and I'm like kind of bonding with the audience and we're all making fun of ourselves and each other is. Cause I'm just trying to connect with an audience and have them connect with each other. And now that I'm not doing it anymore, I'm like, oh, the connecting I'm getting is through coaching and workshops and storytelling events. So I would say I'm more of a professional connector that I just want. I just crave belonging.

But when you walked in here, you led with comedy.

Yeah, yeah, it's. It's funny. So I know, I think I'm a funny person, but I don't think I will ever define myself as like, oh, I did stand up comedy for a job, I think. But I think my true calling was connecting with other people. So it's like a job versus a calling.

But the amount of success you found. Yeah, I know, I was pretty sort of excessive, right?

Oh, my God. Because, well, with me, for a while, it was just like anybody else, I guess, who's trying to find their self esteem from without. So, you know, there's other esteem as you know, which is outside of ourselves, possession and other people's approval, et cetera. And then there's that self esteem on the inside of just, I'm enough. So since I never had the. I had the big hole inside of like, I'll never be enough and I have to earn it all the time and accomplish stuff. I'm like, oh, oh, good, I have four houses. Oh, I have cards. I have. I can stay at the Peninsula. Oh my God, this is great.

Did you feel better then?

No, of course not. For momentary good. But I think it. It just Wears off. What happens is like. You know, it's funny, one day I was watching Oprah because after I had the gastric sleeve surgery and lost 107 pounds, I was like, oh, my God, my life's gonna be perfect because I'm gonna be skinny.

Well, duh.

There's plenty of unhappy skinny people out there. So it dawns on me, I'm like, it's one of those self pity moments. I'm like, oh, my God, I lost the weight. Why aren't I happy? And then, thank God, I was watching Oprah and one of the great thinkers of our time came on, who is, of course, Goldie Hawn. And she said that no matter. She was talking about this study in happiness, which is a true study I've read. After she talked about it, no matter what you acquire, whether it's a house, a new body, a new car. Excuse me, a new job about nine months in, it kind of wears off and it's just you again. And I'm like, oh, my God, I gotta work on me on the inside. So that's like, oh, my God. The journey continues.

That was the epiphany moment for you was having the surgery first and then saying, my life's gonna change, and then hearing this, that, wait, the surgery isn't gonna change my life. It's not a fix.

All right? Right. Because all of that external stuff, like, I remember when it dawned on me that possessions, like, literally don't mean anything. And last night. Oh, my God, I can't even believe I'm talking about this on the air. It's so funny. I recently decided to ballroom dance. I did it for a charity thing and I got hooked because I've never liked movement. I always wished I was in a wheelchair so I wouldn't have to move. Well, I love this dancing. So I said, okay, I got to wear dresses now. I have to be a girl. I said, let me get a spray tan. Well, once you get a freaking spray tan, you got to get them all the time.

You're hooked. I'm hooked. Yeah.

So I make an appointment last night to go to the spray tan place. Well, I'm not. You know how you have to wear a dress or something that won't get all sticky after all I have with me, and I don't know if your audience will even know what this is, is a house coat. Do you know what a house coat is that our yenta grandmothers would wear around the house?

20 years with all these women from Long Island. I know exactly what it Is it.

Freaking has snaps up the front with little short sleeves. And I go, oh, nobody's gonna see it.

Oh, no.

Well, and then you have to wear slippers. And then the car I rented because now I have no attachment to looking like a big shot anymore. Nissan Sentra. I pull up to the freaking tanning place. It's across from the peninsula where I used to stay all the time out of ego. And also, it's a beautiful place. Oh, my God, it's the best hotel in the world. And I get out of the car and go, if they see me walking into the tanning place with no makeup on, a house coat and slippers, they're going to be like, she really has fallen. And worse, she has a freaking Nissan Sentra. And I said to myself, you know what's great? To have the choice to stay at a Peninsula and go, I'm staying at the Airbnb. Because that stuff doesn't mean anything to me anymore. It used to be filling the hole or trying to fill the hole. Like, oh, I get to stay. I say that. Stay there. I get to say, like, look at this fancy purse. Who gives a crap? So I think once I stopped thinking those things meant something, I got to fill the insides, which is with what? Self, love, acceptance, all real friendships, real connections, Doing what I really want for a living instead of staying sort of in this weird, sort of queen of mean thing that I sort of had outgrown. So I like it. I like the journey. I'm really lucky.

It sounds really bizarre to me.

Do you like your purses still?

I do.

I sold all of mine.

You could have gifted everything. If you're going to give anything else, please dial me, okay.

Want to hear, like, how horrible I am? Yeah, I sold them all. I even had this apartment in the city. I sold and I sold all the fancy furniture because I'm from Connecticut, from a freaking low. Now, I'm not lower. I'm lower middle class. I'm so real at the heart. I'm a Toyota driver. So I said, what am I doing thinking I'm a big shot. I sold it all. And I told everybody I gave that money to my friend for an operation. I did not. I kept that money. Just want to say it, putting it out there. I always tell the truth. But, yeah, I have my canvas Yale bag. That's it. I didn't even go to Yale. I don't even care.

That is hysterical. So what got you to actually leave? Comedy. You had reached this extreme level of success that, you know, millions of People would love to aspire to achieve. Why would you walk away from that?

I think the real trajectory happened was I started to notice there wasn't the joy. There was enough. That's the thing I always say, leave things before you're miserable, because the thing is, then you're going to bring the misery into the job. So before I started phoning it in and before I started making my shows miserable for everybody, I said, you know, you're not, like, looking at your calendar and going, oh, I can't wait. It used to be like that. Oh, my God, I can't wait. Now. It was like, oh, I gotta go to whatever. Okay, it's fine, it's fine. Who wants to look at their calendar and say it's fine? Like, I don't.

But 90% of the world does it, right?

Right. And I said, you know what? This is fine. So I met with my business manager a few years ago, and I think also one of the big things was my dad was sick. And when he passed away, I go, I didn't get any pleasure from comedy. The best. I mean, I did get pleasure from it, but I really enjoyed helping my father more. So I go, I bet I'm supposed to do a little service. And there's no element of service to my standup. At least I didn't feel. So I said, let me do something where I'm inarguably helping someone. So I said, all right, let me try this life coaching. Let me try these workshops. And if it didn't work again, it was like the comedy. If it doesn't work, that's okay. I'll just move on to something else. Because, you know, come on. I really don't need much. So luckily.

Hang on a second. That sounds so cavalier to me. I'm coming from this corporate America background where the idea of leaving a job and leaving that paycheck and the golden handcuffs seems petrifying. And to you, you're just like, I don't really need much. I'll just go do something else.

I think golden handcuffs. I had a client who, bless his heart, he could not leave the job because of that. And I said, steve. I go, how much do you need? You own your apartment outright. It's beautiful. Like a really palatial apartment. I go, what, are you kidding me? I go, you got enough money? You hate it so much? And he couldn't get around it. And I go, that's okay. You're just not ready. I think when you know it, you know it. You kind of got to Go. Is my life worth more to me than looking at the calendar and going, oh, my God, I got to eat to get through this. I got to drink to get through this. How much money do we need? I think here's what I always go, what's the worst that could happen? And then I do it anyway. So let's think about it. I quit comedy, right? Okay? I never get a coaching client. My workshops don't sell any tickets. My storytelling events are a bust, okay? I have to live on what I saved. In order to do that, I'd have to sell my house. So I probably have to rent an apartment. That's not bad. Maybe I can't even afford that. Then I have to live with my mother, okay? I love my mother, but she's a pain in the ass. But I get earplugs because she puts that TV on freaking 100 because God forbid she's getting hearing aid, okay? So my life's not great, but it's better than looking at that calendar with dread. So you know what I mean? So I go, I always tell people, go down the list of how bad it's going to get and go, eh, I could live with that.

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Free and Making that transition Were you ever thoughtful of? Oh gosh, what are other people going to say about me? They're going to say I lost my mind, I just walked away.

Thought I'm lucky because people have been very kind about it and really gotten it and I think it's because Howard Stern was so gentlemanly about it and was so like I get this.

Like I get you got him at the right time.

Yeah, yeah, I got him when it was really he's so evolved now and he just said oh I just wish you'd do roast for me sometimes you know? Cause he just loves how I do him.

Everyone does.

Yeah. And I said that for you, I might have to do that once in a while because he's just such a gentleman. So I think I was worried not. Not that people would say you're nuts for leaving, because I totally knew I was right. When I know I'm right, I know I'm right.

You listen to yourself over, like, I.

Don'T care about anybody's opinion. But what I was afraid of was I will never be accepted into that spirituality community. And then I decided, well, so what if I'm not? I could still do my workshops. Even if three people show up, I can still get little speaking gigs, even do it for free. Like, I can, like, kind of have a spiritual and service impact on people. And I'm still doing good work. I'm still making people feel better about themselves, physically and emotionally. So maybe that's the universe's way of saying, this is what you should be doing. So there's really no fear there. I think fear is just like, who cares? Like, honestly, me and my best friend for 32 years, she's a coach too. We always go, who cares? So we don't get all the money we want. So we don't. So we sell the house. You just kind of go, that's life. What am I, a big shot? I gotta have eight bedrooms? I have a house now. It's five bedrooms for me and a freaking little dog who's 7.5 pounds. I said, I'm selling this thing, and I don't even have to. It's crazy, but I think people get caught up in fear, and I don't blame them. It's our culture. But it's time to not make yourself have an ulcer over this.

Right. There's way too much illness coming from stress and unhappiness.

Yeah.

Everyone sees it every day. But I think it's important for people to know you have made this pivot you've made. You've transcended from a comic and reinvented yourself, and you're succeeding at it. Not only are you happy, but you're helping a lot of people.

Oh, I like it because. Oh, my God. Even to get an email, like, stuff that you don't even think, is that groundbreaking that you said, like, one woman, Like, I remember saying to Dr. Drew, and this is the thing that he said. Oh, I never heard that. I learned something from you. Was when I said that whole thing about which I'm sure you've heard this when the Bad things happen. It didn't happen to you, it happened for you. Because whenever you lose something, it's the lesson. The lesson is in that. So he was like, wow. He goes, I would amend that, which I love to. It happened to you and for you. So in other words, you're not in denial about, oh, I had this bad thing happen to me, and you push it away, you embrace it. And I said, well, that's really good too. So I think, like, God, aren't I great? How I forgot your question, which is so fantastic. No, it's that. Oh, it's the helping. It's the helping. And he. So when I say something like that and somebody will email me, oh, I heard this on Dr. Drew or on Dr. Mark Hyman or whatever, and I don't even remember saying it, but I go, wow, words can really even help one guy out there or one chick. And I'll have my moments now where I'm like, I've helped enough people. Can't I just sit and read a book? It's like, yeah, you can just shut up.

But do you ever think of, conversely, the people you hurt when you. You were doing the Rose or, you know, back in the comedy?

Well, no, because I think I tell anybody now and I've said it. I think I even said it on the Wendy Williams show before I retired. I go, if I hurt anyone's feelings individually, I would keep apologizing the rest of my life. If somebody emailed me right now, I mean, go ahead. Anyone I've really hurt deeply. No. Or not even surface. If they email me, I'll be like, I'm totally sorry, because I have apologized.

To people and that was not your intent.

God, no. Well, insult comics can only be that way if they love everybody. You cannot be an insult comic unless you're not prejudiced. So you're talking about Don Rickles, Nicest guy, salt of the earth. He and Bob Newhart were best friends. Bob would say, I'm the a hole, Don's the nice guy. But so on stage, you can be that crazy lunatic because no one thinks you mean it. And it's true. It's like, oh, my God, please, you can't get away with it. People sense what's in your heart. But now I'm like, if my intention wasn't seen, and someone said, you know, I'm a trans person. And that really hurt my feelings. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm sorry. Just explain it to me, you know, because I don't apologize to groups because that's all crap. But as individuals, if I hurt you, I'm so sorry. We can apologize the rest of our lives, and we should. Why not? Who's it hurting? Maybe helping somebody feel better about themselves.

Interesting. So I want to go back to the. This is happening for you, not to you.

Yeah.

So to me, when I hear that, I think of Tony Robbins. He's like the, you know, the biggest personality that's really owned that quote. And then we see what just happened with him.

Wait, what happened? Because I just went to his seminar. Somebody gifted me his seminar in la, and I just don't learn from. I love some of his messages interspersed. He sneaks a good bunch of spirituality in there. But the lights and the sound and everything. I was like, wow, this is too much. So I only went one day out of four, but loved the message. So what happened to him?

So what I'll share is what I've read, you know, the New York Post and a number of other trades is that that his past employees and some past attendees of his workshops have pointed out that he sexually harassed the employees that he was, you know, picking out women to target to take backstage. That, you know, inappropriate behavior, relationships with employees while he's married. So a number of the things that are essentially the antithesis of what you would, you know, ideally hope the person that's taking this message, this is happening to you, not for you. How does that transcend back to, you know, hitting on employees or, you know, sexually harassing people? So for me, it's so funny. Now I have a visceral emotional effect. When I hear you say that, immediately my mind goes, ugh, that's. No, that's crap. And, you know, it's so interesting to me that something that can mean good and can be positive, when the person that's sharing the message becomes tainted and you see in a different light, that message can be lost.

Well, it's like the Bikram yoga guy. Remember that whole thing where he was just such a monster and. But. But is Bikram yoga itself good? Probably. I don't know. I don't move other than my beautiful foxtrot. But like, with Tony Robbins, it's almost like you have to separate the message from the messenger. So with him, it's helped me in my life, the two you for you. Because every time I go, oh, I'm so heartbroken over. That's worked because I go, oh, my God, I learned from it. And 10 years later, I know why this happened. So I. And I would hope people could separate those two things. But, yeah, like, it's super gross if that's what happened. And you know, Tony Robbins, he's not my cup of tea in the fact, like I just said, it's a lot. It's a lot of loudness. I learned better. Like, at a Kripalu or a small, like, spiritual kind of quiet place. Believe it or not, the big mouth me loves to be at silent retreats because I want to just not hear anybody or talk. And so, I mean, I hope it's not true. It probably is true. Only because if there's enough allegations, like, come on. But then I gotta just go, well, the few quotes that I heard from them that are truthful, I go, okay.

You'Ll just move forward with those. Right. And leave the rest behind. So tell me a little bit about the body image. You know, so many women specifically deal with this, myself included. You know, battling our weight, wanting to look and appear a certain way.

Right.

How.

How did that affect and shape you and then how the changes that you made. How do you feel now?

I'm so lucky because I started the emotional work on keeping the weight off before I even got the surgery. So I started getting therapy about why I eat before, because I was like, it's not a magic bullet. This thing isn't going to hold if I do not figure out why I eat. Because most, 90%, I think 99% of us eat because out of emotion, you know, we're not sitting there eating an entire cake because it's delicious. It's like, really what's happening?

Or not. Because we're hungry. Still is delicious.

Physically hungry. Exactly. Like, I have a client. She's so funny. She'll be like, what? I just love food. And like, yeah, no. I just go, no, you don't. I go, yeah, you love it. But not to that extent. And we really discovered what emotions drive her to eat, what thoughts, and. Yeah. Are you gonna succeed all the time in talking that voice down and getting what you really want? No, but maybe 20% more. And then 30 and then 40. So with me, it was like, okay. I started working on the emotions, lost the weight, and I have reverse body dysmorphia where I think I look 19 and so freaking adorable. Like, that's. I love it.

I'm so pretty. The Amy Schumer movie. I love that.

I feel pretty. So good.

I want that disease, dude.

I am so cute. Like, today I was in Target with my niece and nephew, and I was like, oh, my God, let's do boomerangs. We're so cute. In Target, I'm wearing a dress from H and m, which was $7. I have no business wearing a $7 dress from H and M, but I don't care. And it's almost like it's not even going, oh, I did it on purpose to feel good. It's like, I felt good, so I did it. That's the way. That's the confidence preceded the action for me.

Right.

But the rest of my life, it's always been action leads to confidence. So it's weird with the body stuff. It was. I had to build up some self esteem inside and experiment and, like, figure out, like, ooh, how do I like to dress? What am I going to do? And that's just always going to be evolving, I think.

But what about the emotional stuff? Sometimes when I see with people and again, I don't. I include myself in this, having had issues with my weight in my life many times. And I also want people to know, issue with your weight couldn't be 10 or 15 pounds or it could be underweight. It doesn't have to be, oh, that person is clearly overweight. You can struggle with your weight and look completely normal. It's all about your emotions and the head game and. And I'll put myself in that category, which I think so. So many of my friends are so many women that I just know in business are, you know, because we have this pressure to look a certain way. Especially when you're taking a stage with you with comedy and, you know, there's all this pressure that you're scrutinized. If you're too heavy, you're scrutinized. If you're too thin, you're scrutinized. If you look too good. It's just everyone judging you and it's a lot of pressure and not feeling good about who you are. So you start questioning yourself.

Well, see, I grew up in the comedy business where it was before it was when you could body shame, like, and it was just fine. Like, now you can't say anything. So I don't. Again, I hate to say to you, for you, but I'm kind of almost glad I was overweight and battled it out because I was just like, oh, well, I'm just gonna, like, be super funny and, like, I'll devot the humor.

Hit everything else.

Yeah. And I was just like, oh, you know what? It doesn't matter. And even at roasts, like, I would go to the Comedy Central roasts and I'd go look the stuff I was saying about those guys was so horrifyingly bad, but so much fun because that's the job. So I'm like, wait a minute. Okay, I'm prepared. There's five things they can say about a woman. Ugly, fat, old, whore, untalented. The sixth one is unfunny. So I'm like, they can't say I'm unfunny because I always go up first or last, and they know I'm a gangster. They can't say I'm untalented. They can say the horror part because you can say that about any woman who's in the business and successful. They're gonna go with ugly and fat. Cause at the time, I wasn't old. So I go, I'm prepared. And it's funny because the only jokes that hurt my feelings ever were poorly written jokes that kind of didn't take any effort. I'm like, if you're gonna freaking joke about me, put some effort in. Like, I love good jokes about me. And I was, like, always kind of offended when they were kind of just lazy. Like, don't just call somebody fat. It's stupid. Like, stop it. At least write the thing.

That's a tough shot.

But with the. With the. The whole self image with women. Like, I used to literally look at all these women who look like you, who. They look so physically perfect that you're just like, oh, my God, I bet she has no problems. And I'll see in my workshops that I give. People of all different sizes come in. And that's why we say right at the beginning, your pain is your pain. Do not judge anyone else's pain because you don't know what they've been through. Because honestly, when you're the big one in the group, you think you're the only one who has gone through anything. Because we're so focused on, like, oh, my God, fat is so bad. And yes, it sucks being overweight emotionally. But guess what? Not everybody is getting a free pass out there.

Listen, here's the thing. I was speaking at an event one time. What you just said reminds me. Reminds me so much of this. This woman was disfigured that was in the audience, clearly had been burned in a horrible accident. And it was difficult. Most people are looking away versus connecting eye to eye with her because it was hard to view her. We did a Q and A at the end, and she raised her hand. I said, yes. And she said, I have a question for you. You can stand up there and talk about Creating confidence and how you did it. How can you advise someone like me when no one in this room can make eye contact with me? And the only thing that came to mind for me, which I shared with her, was, was some people wear their scars on the outside, other people wear it on the inside. And it's articulating what you just explained, which is we never. You can look at someone else and decide that their life is perfect. You don't know anything of what that person has gone through, no matter how beautiful and perfect and. And whatever story you're telling yourself or that maybe they're pretending to, you know, because oftentimes that's a big part of it is those are the people that try so hard to appear a certain way. Those are the ones hurting the most.

Well, that's what I think too. That's why I think storytelling. That's why even though I quit stand up, I go, I still got to do this storytelling shows about food and body image. Because, yeah, they're gonna be super funny, but you're gonna see women and men up there who look physically fine, like you would never know something's going on. And it's like, oh, my God, that. That happened to me too. Or I felt like that too. Even though this girl up here talking about having body dysmorphia looks like she. She's just walking through life and waltzing along. Oh, my God, she has that struggle. So do I. I'm not alone. And the scars on the inside thing is huge because I remember I did this. I tried everything before weight loss surgery. It's so funny. Like, I literally did things like that were unreal. I went to a 28 day food rehab, and it was 90%, 99% anorexics, bulimics. And like me, the one fat one there, I am £248. But I thank God. I go, well, look, I'm in here for 28 days. I'm gonna learn a lot. And, you know, I'd look at the girls and I think, boy, they're so lucky because they look so freaking good in a bathing suit. And here I am, this fat whore. So I'm like, okay, I'm sitting there, and one day, one of the leaders during group goes, you know, sexual, you know, inappropriateness that we've experienced is usually a big part of this weight stuff and body image stuff.

I.

And since it was a safe space, they go, you know how many people have had unwanted sexual advances? They all raised their hand, and I didn't because I was Telling the truth. And I was like, oh, my God. I'd been judging that they had it so easy, and, like, that'll slap you in the face when you go, oh, my God, look what they had to endure. And I escaped that, like, when all the me too stuff started happening. First of all, obviously, when I was a comic, I would make jokes, like, why not me? Literally, like, no one has ever hit on me. I couldn't find my way into a kid casting couch. Maybe it's because I used my teeth, but I'm telling you. But when I thought about it, I go, how lucky am I that at this advanced age, it's never gonna happen? Now, I have been able to protect myself somehow, and I didn't have this horrible thing happen. So we have to have all that empathy for people who are walking around looking as beautiful as you. Yet something, God forbid, on the inside is going on.

But you just said something. You know, you were so lucky. You were protected because of your size. Oftentimes people eat for that protection because they don't want to be approached.

I think I did for a while. What was interesting, as I said to a shrink in my 20s, when I was overweight, I said to her, why do you think I keep the weight on? I said, maybe it's to protect me from men. And she goes, but you always have a boyfriend. And I go, yeah, so I guess it's not working. You know what I mean? Cause I, like, I'm always with a guy. But that was another thing that I felt was protective. Was. Was. I've had a boyfriend. Not anymore. From the time I was 12 to 40, I had a boyfriend.

Wow.

Or a husband. So it was, like, literally, serial monogamy codependency. Like, cannot survive without a guy. So then I took five years off, and I was like, okay. I had my brief whore phase. My friend of mine says, like, our horror phase was shorter than Mother Teresa's. And so it was almost like I really lived my 20s a little bit, had a good time. What everybody else was doing in their 20s, I didn't. My 40s.

And this is after your weight loss surgery?

Oh, no, no. This is before.

Okay.

And then I got married, and I'm like, oh, that's why now I'm celibate and not really dating. It's because I'm working on me for the first time. And, like, seven years of working on me has really made me feel, like, advanced and like, oh, maybe someday I'll meet, like, somebody who just kind of is the right fit. It's not that desperation I used to have that felt so thirsty. So my addictions have always been food and men. So kind of getting rid of both or trying to shed both has been pretty big. So this way I think I can relate to a lot of people who are just trying to not do something to fill the hole that isn't working.

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I mean your life has just come full circle.

Yeah, it's pretty wild. It's pretty wild.

It is really wild. And the work that you're doing to help, help people and specifically to help women is just, it's beyond commendable. And it's so exciting to hear the impact you're having. I'm sure you feel amazing every day that you're finally living this passion, purpose driven life.

Although you know what's really interesting? Having lunch with my niece and nephew. I had woken up this morning and I had kind of the I don't get jet lag because of all the travel, I always do. But I woke up with that unsettled feeling like, oh, I don't want to do anything. I don't know. And I did. I said make one phone call. Just call freaking BJ's and make sure that they have the right credit card or call Amazon and make sure they didn't f up your mother's depends order. Do something. And that one action made it propelled to like more and more and more. And I said to my niece and nephew, I go, do you guys wake up ever? And you just kind of have that low grade depression, not really, really clinical depression, but just like, and they're like all the time but we never talk about it. So I think a lot of people go, let that thing stop them from taking that first action. So it's not every day like when you say don't you wake up? And just like, yeah, I can't wait. I think the only thing gets me up and really going is activity, movement. Believe it or not, I can't believe I'm saying that. Going to that freaking dance studio and saying I'm a bad foxtrotter but make me better, you know? So I think just taking that little action, then you got that confidence to get through the day. Does that make sense?

It does. And I totally believe in the movement piece of it. And I don't talk about that a lot, but for me, that's my saving grace. Working out. When I start getting really stressed out or down, I know that means I have to go work out right now. And just that movement and the breathing helps me tap into feeling good and feeling positive and ideas and creativity starts flowing for me. I know it's not that way for everyone. It sounds like it's that way for you when you foxtrot.

I cannot believe it happened too, because literally three months ago, I said to people in my workshops, if you don't want to exercise, don't force it. Something will occur, and you'll know. Just stay open, try different things. Don't force it. And it's like with dating. Don't force it. It will occur. So then this. This dancing thing occurred, and you. I would have sworn it'd be like, do it for three months for the dope charity contest, and then you're not doing it again. Then five days a week, it's now. So I said to my dance teacher in Connecticut, I go, dude, does everybody come in here, like, kind of not in a good mood and leaving a good mood? He goes, everybody. He goes, I. It's almost like I treat people who have clinical depression, because, honestly, they get so happy. And I'm like, it's. I think my boyfriend Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars is right, because he doesn't know it, but he's my boyfriend. He said today on a podcast I was listening to, that movement gets you in a good. It changes your whole thing.

It really does, though. And I think that you sharing that's powerful because you don't need to be, you know, a crossfitter to take a dancing class. Or it's something small that you can do, that each one of us can do, but just get moving.

Yeah.

And some days I'll go in and say, dude, we're not even gonna do the foxtrot. It's too hard. Let's just hustle. Let's just do the freaking disco crap for like, an hour and have fun. And, oh, my God, I never thought I'd say it in my life. It's just a total shift. So.

So share with everyone. Let Alisa help.

Yes. Oh my God.

My new podcast.

Your Podcast mates on podcast one, June 5th. It's going to be available and it's a podcast in which I always have a special guest co host. You'll have to do it sometime with me. Oh, I would love that. And I take emails from people who need help. Plus I help my guest co host with their big issue and some of them are pretty, pretty big, which is great. I'm glad they're so open. And also the big twist is that I have my current clients call in and tell me how I screwed up so they kind of coach the coach and I try not to take it personally and I just move on and I'm better. So, yeah, let Lisa Help will be coming out June 5th. And oh, by the way, if you want, I'm doing Food and Body Food and Body image workshop at Kripalu in the Berkshires in November. And go to lisalampanalli.com for all my.

Events and there's a lot of great stuff there. So Lisa, thank you so much for dropping this knowledge sharing with us.

Oh, you're great.

Not only are you hilarious, but you're totally real and I hope people feel that.

Thank you. Yay.

Thank you so much. And we will be back shortly. Thank you. I hope you loved Lisa as much as I did and do. She is definitely hysterical and one of a kind and, and really has stepped into being herself and is so blow me away confidence. So I'm, I'm so glad we had some time with her. I hope you check out her new show and I will have that information in my show notes for you. So now I wanted to answer some questions and a few different questions that we've got in this week. The first one is what advice would you give me in this situation? I went through the interview process was offer the position offer was low, but I took it without countering because I was just so excited to have received the offer. Now I'm feeling underpaid and I'm kicking myself for not countering. When is too early to ask for a raise is six months too soon? I feel like a huge idiot for taking the job. So number one, we do not talk like that. We do not feel like a huge idiot. What there is is a huge opportunity here. It is never too late to ask for a raise. It is never too late to ask for what you want. Who are these rules that we're allowing someone to put on us? So the first and most important thing in this situation and really any situation is communication. If you're not happy with something, you need to communicate that we don't know, maybe these people are so happy with you in this role, they're desperate to keep you. Just because you work for the company doesn't mean the company doesn't need you. There's a massive cost and risk with letting someone go or having someone leave and then having to find that replacement. There is a very specific dollar amount associated with losing an employee and most companies really do not want that turnover. They don't want the position open and you know, don't lose sight of that. So often we like to give all our power to the company when instead we need to take our power back. So the first thing I would do is I would send an email to the, the manager and set up a meeting to evaluate if you're six months in. We, we got some work experience and credibility with the company. Now we need to qualify it. So are they happy with your performance thus far? If you have any reviews from clients or other or team members or managers during your time there, that is all going to help you advance yourself and get a raise and position yourself the best way possible for, you know, potential increase in pay or advancement, whatever it may be. So make sure you do your homework, get everything together, get organized, set a face to face meeting with that manager and you want to sit in front of them and say I've been here six months, months. I wanted to sit down today and talk about the work that I'm doing, talk about what I love about the company and also talk about my compensation. And you just have a very direct conversation and hopefully that you're doing a great job. They love you and you're able to share with them the feedback that you've gotten, the reviews and recommendations, some of the work and notes you've gotten from your boss, boss, you know, articulating how well you're doing and then you're going to use that to start a conversation around. Great. I'm glad we're on the same page. I'm so glad you're happy with my performance. However, when I took this position, you know, I was entry level and I think I've moved beyond that and I really didn't take the time to analyze the comp plan. I need to be fair and direct with you. I want to stay here. I want to be a part of this company. However, I'm clear that I can make more money at other organizations. My goal is to stay here. Would you agree that the value that I bring exceeds What? I'm being compensated right now because I'd like to create a plan with you on how we can get me to a fair comp plan where you feel good about compensating me that way I feel good about it and I don't need to move on to find ways to make additional income and really open up that conversation where you're not threatening someone, but you're both mutually agreeing that you're an asset, you're doing a great job, you've proven yourself in six months. The worst thing that manager can say to you is, yeah, I'd love to give you a raise, however, I don't have it in the budget. Well, when will. When are you budgeting again? You know, you can ask some qualifying questions in response to someone saying no to you that can set you up for a raise in a couple more months, or can. Can turn the conversation into one where you can find out who may have an additional budget. And maybe there's other managers that. That could have more money. Maybe it's a question of you moving to a different team. But you don't find these things out. If you don't sit down face to face with someone and open up a real conversation and put your value first, you know, front and center in that conversation, that's really what matters, and that's. That's your job to do that. So that's my feedback there. Okay, here's another one. Heather. I'm going to a networking event next Thursday. Need some advice? I've been living in Maryland for the last few years. I'm moving back to the south, and I'm trying to build my portfolio and start picking up clients as a side hustle. Should I even go since I'm moving in August? Number one is the first question. Number two, I'm an introvert, but I'm friendly, so I can. I can talk to anyone. I always feel awkward and cheesy at networking events. Events. Okay, so number one, should you even go to a networking event in a town you currently live in since you're moving in August? Heck, yeah. Showing up is always 95% of the battle, right? How do you know who's going to be at this networking event and what may come out of it? I went to a wine dinner one night and I had no idea who I was going to meet. I ended up meeting the man that offered me a job that inevitably moved me across the country and gave me an equity partnership that started my career in media. I had no idea who I would meet that night. But I just showed up. So you should absolutely show up to this networking event. By the way, I travel for a living and have traveled the last two decades. And no matter what city I'm in, I go to events, I show up, and I network. And that has paid such massive dividends that today I'm creating an event in New York City in two weeks. And the reason why I have that relationship and rapport with one of my partners is because I met him at a charity dinner seven years ago. I showed up to the networking events and I got to know people, and those create businesses and partnerships and relationships that you can't even imagine. So show up. Okay, her second question. She's an introvert, but she, she feels awkward and cheesy at networking events. Well, join the club, sister, because so many of us feel awkward and cheesy the way that, you know, that's, that's how you feel, but that has nothing to do with what that outcome can be for you. So what I would say is, you're in good company. Everyone feels a little awkward and bizarre, but make a joke about it. Then when you walk up to meet someone, say, do you feel half as awkward and cheesy as I do right now? Now, yet again, at another networking event. Hi, I'm Heather. You know, make yourself memorable and different and put it to work for you, but the reality is everyone feels that way. Create a goal in your mind. I like to go in and say, I'm forcing myself to introduce myself to five different people before I allow myself to leave tonight. Create that vision and goal before you walk in. Hold yourself accountable to deliver on it and have, have fun while you're there. Everybody feels that same awkward way. Okay, here's the final question, Heather. I started listening to your show. I'm enjoying it. In case you're accepting ideas, maybe you could discuss which communication methods you found most effective when trying to pitch yourself to media outlets who might not know you. Phone calls, texting, email, social media. Question mark. A combination. Which method has been the most effective for you? How do you get to speak to a live person anymore? Okay, so always and, and in every situation, face to face is the ultimate goal. Also, the other thing that I. And sometimes I can't get face to face with people, which is a struggle. So that's when you have to get creative. And I've shared many times that I send life size cutouts of myself to people. I might call and leave them a voicemail message where I'll play music that I think is Amazing. Amazing or inspiring. Maybe I will send someone flowers. You know, I take really alternative approaches so that I can differentiate myself from everyone else. But the most important thing I would say here, especially when you're talking about media and you need to look at the individual and what's important to them and that's beyond just PR or media. You know, make it about that person, do your homework on that person. Maybe you find out that person has a child and is a senior, they're graduating, you want to reach out to them and say, I know your son's graduating and this is such an exciting time for you. I know you're so busy. However, I'm reaching out today as a business expert and I want to give some tips for your son moving into the business world. I'm making that up. But you know, find out where you can add value to that person, how you're unique and how you can serve them. When you make it about that person and you're crafting your pitch around them them and adding value to them, that's how you break through. And I definitely use all means, social media, email, texting. But again, face to face is the ultimate goal. Okay. Also, Heather, do you ever cold call decision makers when you seek to publicize yourself or business? Or do you only use past professional relationships to get appointments? Oh my gosh, clearly you don't know me. Okay, cold calling, absolutely. I am always cold calling. And it's funny that I'm getting this question right now and let me tell you why. I'm in the process of finishing my book proposal for my second book and in order to get to where I am right now. This is so crazy. I was, I found myself stuck a while back and I'll actually, I'll probably do an episode about this. I, I wanted to launch my second book. I didn't want to have to self publish. I didn't know how I'd find an agent. I didn't know how to do a book proposal, blah, blah. All these I don't knows. But one of the things I do know is taking action fixes all my problems. It always does and it will always fix yours. So just take action. So I decided to just put it out to social media. I'm writing my second book. I'm so excited. And what that did was that propelled me forward. I got so many DMs back about my second book, which I hadn't written and it forced me to give myself a deadline because people wanted to know, when is it coming out? Heather, we want to read it. And that made me accountable to social media and to my peeps like you that I was getting this done. I gave myself a deadline and I just started started writing the second book. I didn't know how to write a book proposal so I figured it's easier to do something I do know how to do, which is write a book because I've written one. So I wrote the second book and then I decided, you know what? Agents aren't knocking on my door, I need to knock on theirs. I googled Rachel Hollis because she's one of the best selling authors from last year that was in my genre. And I said, okay, Google Rachel Hollis agent. And I found her and I reached out to her website and I submitted myself for potential consideration to represent me in my second book. And while she responded, she wasn't interested. She did tell me that her business partner might be. So she connected me to her partner. We were back and forth on email. She said she is interested but needed a book proposal. Remember, I don't know how to write a book proposal. So I said, well, I don't know how to do that. And she said, great, why don't you call Peter? And she connected me to someone who is a specialist in writing book proposals. And I inevitably partnered with Peter. We created a fantastic book proposal together, which actually we just finished last night, making a couple final edits today. And now what I'll do is take that book proposal and go back to her to again try to secure this final partnership and then move forward with the second book. So yeah, my whole life is spent cold calling. I don't even think of it as cold calling. I think it of it as me reaching out to connect the dots to bring things to fruition. And that's just part of the process. So it's always great when you have a relationship and experience and history with someone and they make a call for you. But I don't always have that situation and you won't either. So in those instances where we don't have that warm lead and someone to help us, we just help ourselves. So cold calling, connecting the dots, whatever you want to call it, it's definitely a huge part of doing business. Whether you're a writer, you work in corporate America, you're in sales or in any role for that matter. So thank you so much yet again for joining me. I would love it if you would subscribe, rate and review my show. It helps so much and you guys have put us at the top of the charts. A new and noteworthy in business and society, so I'm so grateful for that. Please leave a review rating and subscribe. I would love for you to hang with me on this journey and I can't wait to catch you next week. Thank you.