#403: Your Empowerment Blueprint: Mastering Confidence & Boundaries with Heather!

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, so as you know, I'm always asking you, if you have a question, go to my website, heathermonahan.com there's a contact me form, or you can DM me on any social media, LinkedIn, Instagram, I spend a ton of time on. And so I got a DM from one of our team here, part of the show, and I wanted to share the question with you. I'm gonna do my best to answer it, but listen, I. Oh my gosh, I so feel for this person because it seems like they're in a situation similar to the one that I was in a few years back. And I have a lot of empathy for it. It sucks when you're in it, but like anything, things are temporary. And it's so important you know, when things are not going great for you just to remind yourself this is temporary, it's going to change. It always does. Remind yourself of other times in your life and the more that you train yourself to do that, the more you can understand that, okay, I can endure this for the moment in time that I'm in and just know and have faith that things are gonna get better and change, because they will, because the best is yet to come. And that, my friends, I know for sure. Okay, so I got a DM on Instagram from this woman and said, hey, Heather, you talk a lot about women bullying in the workplace. Yes, I do. Even some of my women customers are so bitchy. I am the nicest, most organized, thoughtful person and I provide a lot of value. Why is there shade from women? Do you have a podcast about this? Like outright ignoring my calls, ignoring my emails, et cetera, after they ask for something, mind has officially been blown emoji, which is so funny. I get it. I totally get it. And then she goes on to say, is there a respectful way to let them know that is not appreciated? Yes, of course there is. Okay, so first and foremost, you cannot change the people around you. However, you can change who you choose to be around. That's really important. Right? And gosh, I went through this even with my ex husband. I wanted to change how he was right. People have to wanna change themselves. That's not your job. That's not your responsibility.

You.

It's our job to accept people for the way that they are or choose to move on. And it really comes down to that. When you are your most confident self, when you have your self worth, you know that you deserve better than that, right? And you're not gonna tolerate it. Listen, life is a journey. It is a growing process. And I'm definitely not nailing things on the daily. I make mistakes all the time. But one of the things I know for sure is for 14 years I worked side by side with someone who did not like me. In fact, in the end, she despised me. Everyone knew it. It was obvious and I turned a blind eye to that bad behavior day in and day out. And that was the wrong decision. That was chipping away at my confidence. So the more you put yourself in proximity to people who don't respect you, don't treat you well, and you allow that to go on, you're the one that's going to get taken down, not them, right? They're going to carry on with their lives, probably completely oblivious to what they're doing or enjoying it or whatever. It's irrelevant. But the bottom line is you are the one. In any moment, you are either creating confidence within you or chipping away at it. And any level of disrespect, you know, ignoring, treating poorly that you allow to go on, you're allowing that. It's about flipping the script on these people. It's okay, your behavior is poor, whatever, I can't change you. That's on you and that's for you to work out on your own. But what I can change is my decision. I can change my boundaries. I can change who I choose to be around. Meet a different guest each week.

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I asked you to try to find your passion. I remember when I was young in business. I was in my early 20s and I was in one of my first account executive jobs in radio and I remember my old boss would say to me Heather, these customers are taking way too much of your time. They want you at their beck and call. And they did. It was ridiculous. Back then I didn't have a lot of self worth. I wasn't very confident. Although people did not know that the minute they would say come over here I'd go running over. You know Desperate to keep their business. There's no room for desperation in business or life. You don't need to be desperate. There's always gonna be another deal. There's always gonna be another opportunity. There's always gonna be another partner. There's always gonna be another client or friend, right? So it's all about hiring and allowing for the people that treat you great and firing the ones that don't. And I remember that was a discussion that we ended up having about one of these clients that just was relentless with what they wanted from me, and it didn't make sense, and it wasn't fair, and it wasn't good business. So with the support of my boss, I finally went to them and said, listen, here's the thing. I just want you to know that you're taking so much more time than any of my other clients. The return on investment's not here for me. So either you can start spending more with me to get this level of service, or you can stop asking me for all these aggressive additional things, or we can just shake hands and part friends and not do business together anymore.

Right?

I can't change them, but I can change my ask. I can change what I allow for. And in the end, they stopped asking me for all these crazy things. So it was just having that calm conversation. Another thing that's important to know, when you disagree with someone or you don't like how someone's behaving, it doesn't need to be a fight. It doesn't need to be an argument.

Right?

It doesn't need to be this big thing. It can be a conversation. Because oftentimes people don't know what impact they're having on you or they don't understand how you're processing something. I actually went through something like this a couple of months ago in a situation in my personal life where I finally had to say to someone, you're not doing a good job communicating. It's really frustrating for me. And he had no idea. He was so surprised by that comment. And once I explained to him what I meant by it, he changed his behavior. It wasn't a big fight. It wasn't an argument. It was up to him if he wanted to address it or not. And he did. It didn't even seem.

Seemed like a big deal.

He just didn't know that that was a situation for me or a problem for me. So it's about remaining calm. The minute you get angry at somebody else, you're giving them power over you, right? So look at it as oh, there's a challenge here. And there's an opportunity for a solution as well. So if these women in this woman's life that wrote into me, you know, if they're disrespecting her, ignoring her, I would first and foremost alert them that it's a problem for you.

Right?

And you can do that in a very calm manner. You could say, hey, not sure. I'm a little confused. I love that line. I'm confused. I reached out to you via email to follow up on your request and I never heard back. Are you receiving my emails? Question mark. Right. So just being direct and asking people the obvious questions and then, you know, see where that goes. Be open minded. Maybe the person says, I'm sorry, I've just been buried. I'm missing email. This is not on you. This is my fault. You know what? Give me a little bit of time. Who knows what the situation is, but we can't assume for the other person. Now there are people that are just nasty, right? And just maybe they're jealous of you. I don't know what the reason is why they're behaving that way, but those are not your people. And the sooner you figure that out, the quicker you can fire that villain from your life and start attracting opportunities, customers, clients, partners that show up and respect you and support you and treat you the way that you would like to be treated. We are always teaching people how to treat us right? So start teaching them what works for you instead of reacting to how they behave. It's a big, big shift. And listen, there's going to be haters no matter where you are. Gosh, I've been getting so many haters lately on my Instagram account, it's crazy. But we have to start looking at that as, wow, I'm impacting and reaching more people. That's a positive, right? If everybody's gonna love us, that means we're vanilla. I am not vanilla, my friend, and I know you are not either.

Right?

Who? I don't want to be vanilla. I don't want to just be flying under the radar. That's not me, and that's not why I was put on this earth. Right? I'm here to make a difference. I'm here to shine my light and be my unique, flawed self and do it in a big, exciting, fun way. So knowing that every time I see a hater come for me, I kind of celebrate it, like, well, all right, well, we're reaching some more people. Wow, poor person. I feel so bad for them. That they get that upset about something like that, you know, oh well, they're not my people. Fire that villain and move on to the next right. Clear that space and clear that negativity from your life so you can start inviting positive people who are your people to start showing up. For far too long I sat at a table where I was not appreciated. I was really not even wanted. In many ways I was tolerated and I knew it. And that felt really bad. It was scary as you can imagine, to walk away from that situation knowing I had an 18 month non compete, knowing I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know what business I would begin, I didn't know how I'd make money. The whole thing felt so unclear and scary. But I look back now. What I did was I shut the chapter on a chapter that was really ugly and not helpful and not serving me and open myself up to new opportunities, new people that did support me and champion me. And it happened so quickly. The minute you clear negative people from your life, you make space for positive people to start showing up for you. You make space for your people to find you. And that's what's important. Stop settling, stop just tolerating something when you deserve so much more. Meet a different guest each week.

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I asked you to try to find your passion. I wrote two books about this. Confidence Creator is my first book. Overcome your Villains is my second book. I have so many chapters in there about how to deal with difficult situations, how to deal with difficult people, how to deal with haters, you know. And I've learned all this stuff by doing it wrong the first time and then taking a step back, reassessing and trying different strategies. So I found some things that have worked really well for me. I hope they'll help you. My second book, Overcome youe Villains is the three step process to overcome any adversity in business and life. I highly recommend it for this woman who sent me this message. It's beliefs, action and knowledge. And this three step process is foolproof. Like it will work for you if you work the plan. It works for me time and time again. And yes, I was surrounded by people that did not treat me well and did not respect me. And I look back on that time now and what an incredible learning lesson it is because I allowed that to occur. I'm the problem. It was me, right? And that's Taylor Swift song. But here's the thing. I love T. Swifty. But here's the thing is that when you start taking ownership for what's happening in your life and around you, boom. The game changes. Because now you're in charge to change the game. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it doesn't happen without fear. I was scared to death to make the moves that I made. But here I am six years later and my life is so incredibly different. It's unbelievable. And I just had one of my best friends turn 50 last weekend. 15 of our best greatest friends from Massachusetts. We all grew up together in Worcester, Mass. Flew in from all over the country now. Cause people have moved to different places and we've all been friends since we were 15. And we are in lockstep and everyone's got everyone's back and no one fights and there's nothing but love. And it is such an incredible. I never knew I would have friendships like this with women for so long in my life. I'm so grateful. So I want you to know this. Maybe right now you haven't found your people.

They're out there.

I promise you, your people are out there and they are looking for you. But you've got to close the door on the negative ones, on the ones that are chipping away at your confidence, on the ones that are tolerating you and you need to take ownership for it and say, hey, I'm the problem. It's me. I'm flipping the script on this. I'm gonna start teaching people how to treat me and when they don't want to get on board. I'm going to fire that villain and create space for someone more positive to show up. Don't forget, six years ago, when that woman thought she fired me, I had actually fired my number one villain from my life. Within one week, Elvis Duran's team reached out to me and flew me into New York to go on a show and supported me and gave me the idea to write a book. And when I tell you it was a domino effect of amazing things that happened again, it wasn't easy. I was scared to death.

Right.

It felt really uncertain. But when everything's uncertain, anything is possible. Choose you put yourself first. Fire your villains and watch the right people start showing up for you. I hope that answered your question. If you guys have questions, Please go to heathermonahan.com contact me form or go to Instagram, LinkedIn, any social media and hit me up at Heather Monahan with your question. I promise I'll do my best to answer it. Until next week, keep creating your confidence.

You know I will be.

I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.