#408: BEST OF - The Power of Changing Your HABITS: My Favorite Strategies for Career & Relationship Growth with Amy Morin, Katy Stoka, & John Assaraf

We get ingrained in these habits, right? Like when you come home from work, do you walk in the door and you automatically complain about your day or do you get angry at your partner for something that they did? Do you roll your eyes at one another? Like all of these little habits that we have that we kind of don't even notice because they're just happening so automatically. So sometimes about taking a step back and saying, what can we do differently? What's the part that I play? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for our share.

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Hi and welcome back. I'm so happy you're back here with me this week. So I wanted to talk about what it takes to level your life up.

Because if you're listening to the show.

Then I know you want to grow and I know you're thinking about what it takes for the new you to be brought about. So one of the simplest things but also one of the hardest things to make this happen is changing your habits. I know it sounds really simple or maybe not even that exciting, but it's the truth. So today I put together some of my best moments from our show. So you're gonna learn about what it.

Takes to start shifting your habits.

These are the top takeaways that we found that you loved that brought you some big level up moments. Let me know what you think.

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That's a common fear. In fact, there's a whole chapter in there about growing and changing and what to do if you're concerned, like, I'm going to outgrow my partner or what if they don't catch up? Or I see a lot of people who are trying to motivate their partner to change. You're like dragging them along like, no, we need to be working on these things. But I really wanted to write the book too so that people could say, like, what if you want to change and your partner doesn't? And maybe you'd like your partner's behavior to change. Because the truth is, most people who walk into therapy aren't really there saying, hey, I need to work on this. They drag their partner in because they're all, look, my partner needs to work on this. So I really wanted to write a book that was like, you know, even if your partner doesn't want to change, here's what you can do about it anyway. And the truth is, sometimes when you change your dance steps, like, the other person naturally changes there. So if you were to change the way you communicate, when there's conflict, the other person kind of changes anyway. And you don't have to, like, tell them that you're changing or convince them that they're doing something wrong, but you can change how you behave, and then the other person's response ends up changing more naturally anyway.

How do you advise someone to open up the conversation, to even sit down and read this book together? Or should they not do that? Should they read it on their own first?

I think there will be a few couples that both people, both partners sit down and read the book together. And there's conversation starters, questions you can ask. I'm going to guess the vast majority of couples, that's not going to be the case. I think one partner is probably going to be far more motivated to read the book than the other, and that's fine. Every chapter has a section where it says, if you struggle with this thing, here's what you can do. But if your partner is the one who you think struggles with this, here's what you can also do too. And it's not about manipulating them, but sometimes it's about recognizing what's the part I play in this. Maybe my partner leaves their socks on the floor and we get in an argument every night, what can I do differently? Because I really wanted people to feel empowered. Like, yeah, even if your partner doesn't want to change, there's still something you can do to change the relationship.

So in a situation like that, what's the advice that you give someone? Someone's doing something so minimal, but it's wearing away on that individual. They're leaving their socks out. They're not cleaning up. You're asking them, do. What are some of the things someone can do to change that situation?

So a few things. One would be to. To just look at the part that you play, right? And sometimes if we were to use that example of somebody's messy and they leave their stuff out, like, what is it that you do? Do you nag them? Do you scold them? Do you clean them? You know, huffing and puffing, all of those kinds of things can make things worse. I pause and say, all right, well, what's something I could do to make it better? And it might be that you point out the behavior that you like. So let's say your partner, one day they randomly get up and they start cleaning. Wow, I appreciate that so much. That Makes my life easier when I don't have to do everything. Or sometimes there's those moments where you need that sit down conversation of, I feel like I'm doing a lot around here. I would really like your help. How can we do this together? And to tackle it, like, I don't like nagging you. You obviously don't like it when you're nagged. What can we do together? And to try to tackle it from a problem solving approach rather than a.

Blaming approach, oh, my gosh, it sounds so rational. It sounds so easy to do. But to actually pick your head up and stop doing the things that we're naturally inclined to do takes intention, right?

It does. And we get ingrained in these habits, right? Like when you come home from work, do you walk in the door and you automatically complain about your day? Or do you get angry at your partner for something that did you roll your eyes at one another? Like all of these little habits that we have that we kind of don't even notice because they're just happening so automatically. So sometimes about taking a step back and saying, what can we do differently? What's the part that I play? Sometimes we need to take responsibility for our share. When you say to somebody, like, gosh, I think I've been arguing about this and perhaps I've been making it worse. And even if you think, gosh, there's only 10% of it's really my fault and 90% is my partner, when you take responsibility for that 10%, the other person's much more likely to then be like, you know what? I play a part in this too. But when we try to point out to them that they're doing something wrong, they just naturally get defensive.

It's also empowering to say like, okay, I do play a role in this and you know, I'm going to take responsibility for it. I like that idea. Just hearing you explain that made a lot of sense to me.

That's just it. But it's tough to do. So often we're just really quick to be like, you never do this. I don't like it when you do that. But even in extreme examples where somebody says dating somebody or married to somebody who has an extreme problem, when you say, I think I've been contributing to it because I've been nagging, complaining, or ignoring you, or I roll my eyes again, the other person's often like, huh, interesting. And then they will take on their responsibility.

How do you know when you're struggling with any one of these things, when it's time to leave. Like pull the rip cord and say, this relationship is a wrap. It's not going to work.

Oh, I'm glad you asked that because I'm not like a huge proponent of saying that you should stay together no matter what. I have so many people that have been in my therapy office and they're like, well, we invested 10 years, so I feel like we don't want to throw that away. But they hate each other. They've gone to the booking where they where nothing good will come out of it, or couples that try to stay together for the kids. So I think it's important to evaluate like your own mental health. If your mental health is suffering and no matter what you do, you're still struggling. Like it's okay sometimes to say, let's take a break, whether that means we're just going to separate or eventually get a divorce, like, it's okay. So I think evaluate your own mental health. Whether you're able to grow and change and thrive. And if you feel like you really can't do that. And for goodness sakes, if you're in an abusive relationship too, I don't want people to think that you should be able to stick it out. Or it's a sign that you're not mentally strong enough if you're really struggling. No, it's impossible to be in a really unhealthy relationship and to thrive. It will wear you down and make your ability to build mental strength impossible.

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I asked you to try to find your passion.

I also just personally, I remember I.

Called off my engagement. I'll never forget this. To your point about, you know, you've got so many years in with someone. You want to be loyal and you want to do the right thing. Like, I want to be a good person. I'm saying this to myself. And I remember I ended up, I was in Atlanta visiting one of my best friends. I hadn't seen her in months. And she said to me, something's wrong here. And again, this is someone I trust that I know has my best interest at heart, not just some random outsider. She said, no, this has gone on too long. You're not happy anymore. Your energy's off. Something's wrong. Heather, you need to come correct. Like, what's happening here? And just that one someone I love that much, hitting me in the face with. You're not being honest with yourself. That was all it took for me. Like, a light went on. And I said, she's right. I'm not happy. To your point, I'm not going down the drain for anything. Like, I've got to pull the ripcord, save myself, and get out. And that was the day I made the decision. Sometimes it can take just one person close to you opening your eyes to it, right?

It can, because, you know, our emotions cloud our judgment. And when you're really emotional, and I don't know how many people will say, like, well, we already sent out the invitations. We can't put the brakes on now. Like, no, you absolutely can. And sometimes we just. It's almost like we need permission. In fact, I find a lot of people come to therapy sort of asking for permission to get divorced. They'll be like, you know, we did everything. We wanted to try therapy. But, like, they both already have a foot out the door, and they just really want somebody to say, it's okay. Like, you don't have to stay in this if neither of you want to go ahead and part ways. And people will often be like, really? Like, they're really relieved to hear somebody.

Say that, oh, my gosh, life is too short. People should not live in a miserable situation that they don't need to be in.

Okay?

So they don't blame each other for their problems.

Right?

So how often do we say that? And even when I ask people, like, would you be happier if your partner changed? Or how much of your happiness is contingent on your partner, about 40% of people said, you know, if my partner were better, then I'd be a happier person. That's putting a lot of responsibility on your partner for your own happiness. So I really wanted people to know, like, nope, if there's an issue in your relationship, take responsibility and take control over what you can control and focus on how to make it the best you can.

So that's a common issue, that people are just blaming the relationship problems just on the other person and not looking at the role they play in it.

Right. Often people be like, you know, my life would be so much better if my partner changed, if my partner weren't so unmotivated, or if my partner were better with money. And those might be legitimate problems. However, you still have the personal responsibility to say, and how do I make my life the best I can given my circumstances.

All about empowering yourself with the decisions and choices that you make, not looking the blame game across the street.

Exactly.

If you're spending a year, two years, whatever it is, and these unhappy phases, it's hard to remember back, right?

It is. Sometimes people are like, you know, 10 or 20 years later, like, we've moved and now we have real jobs and kids and so many responsibilities. It's tough to remember that, like, we're not just business partners, that you chose this person for a reason. And just remembering that often helps people feel better, connected. The only thing is, you don't want to use that as a weapon. Like, well, back in college, you were fun. The person's like, yeah, but now I have a real job and real responsibilities, and it's not. I'm not able to still be that spontaneous person. But. But just remembering, like, person chose you, and you chose them for a reason. There are lots of people out there, but something brought the two of you together. And keeping that in mind, even when life is tough, I think really helps people stay committed. So then, you know, it's worthwhile. Normally we wouldn't put up with annoying things. Or if you have somebody in your life that you have a problem with, like, we part ways. You cut ties when you're with somebody you want to know, like, yeah, it's worth working through these problems. I want to make sure that we are working together. And when you remember why you fell in love, it just deepens that commitment and reminds you that it's all worthwhile.

Are there any exercises or prompts you can give people to help them actually stimulate and remember? Because I feel like it can seem like a very long time ago.

So, yeah, absolutely. So for couples that have a song, it might be their wedding song, the song that they used to listen to when they were on a date listening to your song. There's research that will show just having a song and listening to it together strengthens the relationship. Another one is just carry around a picture of your partner. Doesn't have to be an older picture from when you first met, it might be a recent one. Whether you make it your wallpaper on your phone or you just have a picture of them that you keep in your pocket, looking at their picture strengthens your commitment. So some people will make a folder on their phone and it might just be some happy times that the of you had together. A couple vacations you've been on, a really fun times that includes your partner. Just look through those photos sometimes, maybe during the day or when you're apart. And again, it just strengthens the relationship and reminds you of why you're together.

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But don't you find I go back to my career in corporate America. There's hard work ethic made me successful in corporate America. Hard work ethic makes me successful as an entrepreneur. However, some of the things that made me not successful in corporate America make me so successful as an entrepreneur. I'll give an example. I'm always coming up with new ideas. I always want to innovate, I always want to test and try new things. And I was constantly being reprimanded for that in corporate. But as an entrepreneur, that's how I get my best ideas. To create something, to make something new, to launch something new. How do you find that balance of saying this worked over here? I believe it'll work here as well.

Yeah, no question. I started out in corporate America as well, right out of college and there were so many things that I didn't like about it, but I just extrapolated some of those things that I rolled my eyes and I had to learn about it, but then also put them into the new thing. I think it's just as important, particularly when you're starting out, to realize what you don't like just as much as what you do like. Because then you can easily say, because there's always going to be those temptations to maybe go back in, particularly if an industry starts to gain traction again and you're like, oh well, I have experience over there, maybe I can go back here. And it's like, you know what? Stand your ground. Remember what you didn't like about this so that you can have the ability to say no, I'm not going back into it. And then take what you did like about it and what you were good and what resonated with you. Right. It's all about what resonates with you because it's different from the person on the other side of the zoom or in the cubicle next to you. So it's like, you've got to take what works for you and, you know, the whole concept of, like, what do you gravitate towards?

Right.

What are you also naturally talented in what is an industry that is growing right now to your earlier point, and then put those all together, and that is your combination of what you can pursue with a little bit more effortless ease versus, you know, I always feel you flow with a flow of life instead of that feeling of pushing a boulder up a mountain.

Yeah.

But sometimes you do have to push a boulder up a mountain. Because I'll tell you, when I look back on corporate, there were many years where I was pushing a boulder up a mountain. But then once I hit that tipping point, it became much, much easier because of my level of confidence, because of the level of expertise. Similarly, as an entrepreneur, it was pushing a boulder. Oh, my gosh. My first year, I got fired writing a book, having no idea what I was doing, then trying to find a book agent, then trying to figure out the speaking business. Like, all of this was pushing a boulder uphill until the moments where it wasn't. So how do you discern, okay, am I in that right, ideal environment? Am I doing that right job? Because I do feel like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill.

Right.

The boulder up a hill is a real thing. Clarity comes with more information that you have about your personal journey. So I like to walk people through. What about the boulder is the biggest problem right now, Right. Because is it really the project that you're doing, or is it something else that is underlying your difficulty right now and your challenge and how it feels like it's a struggle?

Right.

So I have a hierarchy that I walk people through, and it's basically that same idea of just like a triangle, and the bottom of it is the foundation, the foundation of anything that is something that you need to overcome. Basically, if you don't have that foundation laid, then trying to do anything else that's higher up the hierarchy, like the ultimate is, you know, your legacy or your bliss. Things that really get you, you're passionate about. All of those things are so much harder to do if you don't have those foundational needs met so oftentimes. In corporate America, you don't feel the recognition or any sort of support or, you know, those are fundamentals that you need. Some of the good corporations are now looking at it saying, hey, listen, they need the fundamentals. I love also the idea of needing to pursue more of what you want by being who you authentically are, right? The old adage like, you don't get more of what you wish or what you want or what you think, you get more of what you are. That idea really resonates whenever I'm looking to explore something new. It's like, okay, so what more do I want in my life and how am I being that and what do I need to do in my own day to day to be more of that? Because you are getting more of what you are.

So let's go back to the hierarchy for, for a minute. When you talk about that foundation and challenges in that foundation, what are some other examples of issues that people would have in that foundation? Because when I hear you explain it, I'm thinking about different relationships. If you don't like your boss at work and they're treating you terribly day in and day out, that seems like a foundational problem for setting you up for a lack of success or for the relationship is in your personal life and you hate going home every night, what are some other examples of what these foundational problems can be?

No question. That first step is the yielding of the bad people and influences and maybe habits that you have in your life. I was a very heavy social drinker. It was always very acceptable in my life. I was just like, okay, yeah, top me off. Another rose, another. And it was all a part of a habit that I had formed that I didn't realize was such the habit. Just, oh, I deserve this glass of wine. It was a hard day at work. We're having a corporate dinner, we're doing this lunch, celebrating this. And then all of a sudden I realized, this is a habit. It's no longer serving me. So once I took it out, first of all, I couldn't believe taking this one thing out, how my life changed on so many levels. And it's incredible, you realize that that was a habit, that maybe for someone else, if they took it out, maybe a few things, you know, here and there, oh, yeah, I could get to the gym earlier or whatever. But if it's really something that you realize that you needed to take it out, once you do, right? And then once you take out these bad habits or perhaps you're able to get rid of Bad relationships, then you can go to the next level, right? And so healing is the next level. So healing in any modality, right? I always tell people, every human having this experience needs to heal. So choose whatever modality you want. If it's therapy, if it's acupuncture, if it's yoga, do whatever makes you feel good, but also allows you to take a beat, right? Take a beat, realize that you have been dealing with this person or this thing or whatever and just start to heal up that wound, right? So then you can kind of get to the next level of it, which is tuning in on it. And tuning in is that getting quiet, sitting, meditative practice, any sort of just being able to be by yourself. This for me was so hard to be able to sit by myself for even two minutes. I would have rather started a company. I mean, working hard and fast, long hours, get it done, da da da. That was the mode. But you realize at the end it's just you. And during the whole process you speak to yourself more than you speak to anyone. So let's get comfortable with ourselves, let's get comfortable with our silence. Let's obviously get all of these huge benefits of mindfulness and of meditation. We've heard them. It's now based in science. There's no question it is a superpower. I call it a magic pill. If you had a magic pill that would reduce anxiety, create focus, literally it creates more time in your day because you are not creating from a place of fear, panic, worry, strife. You are creating from a place of calm and clarity, right? So it's truly like a magic pill. And then you can build up to your mission and then ultimately your legacy. And obviously these things can be done without the earlier healing and process. It's just going to again feel like you're pushing the boulder up instead of flowing with the flow of life. That's how it has been in my journeys.

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What do you say to those people that are like I don't know that I have something that I need to remove from my life, right?

And just like you were talking about, I always call it the snowball effect that it compounds. So when I removed alcohol example from my life I then all of a sudden had all of these positive compounding effects. So I naturally woke up earlier. That means I naturally got to the gym earlier, had that natural euphoria from that. Then that compounded a great idea on the way home for something. And then you execute that because you have the energy. Then you do a meditation, and then you get your brain functioning at a high level. And then you have the compound effects of you have the energy now that you've meditated. And then when my kids come home, I am engaged with them. I am not short or annoyed. And same thing with my spouse. And all of these positive compound effects instead of those negative compounds which are oy, kind of stressed at my job. Don't really love it, you know, but it is work and I just have to do it well. But I. Okay, whatever. Just gonna get through the day, gonna get home, have a glass of rose, have another one with dinner, go home, go to bed, wake up kind of groggy, miss the gym, stressed, get to the job that you don't love, don't have time to meditate, kind of cranky, most of all with yourself, right? You're annoyed with yourself that you're not creating, carving out the time to really give yourself a break. And so those things compound. And that's when it starts to feel tough. That's when it starts to feel hard. Of course you're going to have hard days. So for me, it's been about two and a half years that I completely cut out alcohol from my life. There are still days with challenges. It's the human experience, but the relief of zero anxiety, so much clarity, and the deep, amazing relationships that I have, most importantly with myself. I am no longer critical of every single thing that either comes out of my mouth or that's in my head. Because that was kind of a something that I was noticing right as I started my spiritual journey 10 years ago, right? So I started that meditation, observing my thoughts so that you start with that. Interesting that it then took me, you know, six years later to completely cut the alcohol out. But what happens is at least that habit started to become a little bit ingrained. And then I think when you can positive habit compound, it just makes it easier in any category.

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Everybody's already disciplined to what they are disciplined to. So discipline is really a habit. The question is, what are your habits that are easy for you to do? And so I just learned the process to be able to make change a little bit easier. Not easy, but a little bit easier.

And so for everyone listening, everyone's like, yeah, of course we have some habits that we know are holding us back, but it isn't easy. And the things that I've done haven't allowed me to break them. What are some of the strategies that you share that help others make some habit changes?

Yeah. So I think first ask yourself this question. Were you born with those habits? And anybody who thinks they're going to go, no. So what is a habit? Like, what is a habit? And the answer, from a science perspective, a brain science perspective, it's an automatic process that has a trigger, a behavior, and a reward. It's an automatic process. So something triggers you to, let's say, wake up and go to the coffee machine, or, you know, wake up and get dressed first, then go to the coffee machine. So we all have these triggers. It could be a sound, it could be a scent, it could be a color, it could be a person, it could be a place, could be a song, it could be anything, could be waking up. And then we behave, and then we get the reward of that behavior. And what most people don't understand is they mostly try to change the behavior. And changing the behavior, as much as it sounds really, really great, most of the time, it doesn't work long term. And so the question is, if the behavior isn't what I want to change, then what is it that I should be changing? And the answer is, the first step is in the awareness of what is triggering that behavior. Because 95 of everything we think and feel and do, 95 is automatic, habitual. And so if I could become aware of the trigger, you know, I wake up, I go have a coffee, or I wake up and I get on my phone right away. What if we can say in between the trigger and the behavior, I can insert something a little bit different. So I'll give you an example. Somebody wants to drink more water. What if we said, okay, so when are you most likely to drink? You know, when I wake up, I go have coffee, take a glass of water, and stick it right by where you make coffee. So trigger, wake up, automatic behavior, go get coffee, but place something that you want to do right at the point of the behavior. So now you're going to get a double reward. So the double reward is water plus coffee activates the reward system in the brain. You drink the coffee, you feel good, you get more focused, you have a little bit more energy. Boom, boom, boom, we got the reward. So now if I place this thing before the behavior, I can actually move the second part of it if I want to and still get the reward. And replace water for coffee. That's just a simple neuro associative conditioning mechanism that we could use to add a new behavior that's more empowering. Let's say we want to start to exercise and we don't have the habit of exercising. Get your clothes out for exercise and let's say your running shoes, place them where you normally get dressed and put those on first and do one minute or even 30 seconds of a new behavior right next to an old behavior that already has the habitual pattern. And all of a sudden you start to develop this habit of, let's say, putting on your shoes, getting dressed and maybe doing 15, 20, 30 seconds of stretching. It doesn't matter how small the behavior is. Once we add a new behavior in front of an old behavior, we can replace the old behavior with the new one. So that's, you know, if we want to add something. What if you want to stop, you know, let's say drinking alcohol, you want to stop eating sugar, you want to stop a behavior or a habit? Well, the way I stopped sugar, for example, is I knew I had a sweet tooth and I knew that my brain was craving it, I knew I had a habit for it. And so I said, okay, what can I replace my sweet tooth with? What can I replace it with? So I said, well, you know, I could get some protein and I could put some fiber with it, which would obviously, you know, expand. And so if my protein had stevia in it, which doesn't spike the insulin in my brain and in my liver, I could replace real, you know, maybe sugary cakes, cookies, ice creams or yogurts, frozen yogurts or vegan frozen yogurts that I like with something healthier. And so now I'm using a replacement strategy. And then all of a sudden I'm not having sweets anymore, I've replaced it with a better habit and then I can wean myself off of that as well.

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So when we're using willpower, it's one of the weakest neuromuscles that we can use, especially after three or four o' clock every day.

Why that?

Well, when we wake up, we're born with a certain number of attention units. And so we wake up, we get ready, we get dressed, we go to work, we do our work, you know, in front of our computers, we talk to people, we take care of our kids, our husband, our wife or whatever. And by time two or three o' clock goes on. Our glucose levels are really, really low. Willpower is tied to glucose in many cases. And our ability to concentrate and focus, okay, is way, way lower. After three or four or five o' clock in the morning, when we wake up, we have higher cortisol levels. So cortisol is like a little bit of rocket fuel. And so when we have cortisol, adrenaline, we can go. But then as that cortisol goes down and our focus, you know, gets diminished, it's harder to make the decisions that require willpower, the power to override a natural habit or propensity. So there's a lot of these neuromechanics going on that if we don't understand how it works, like I'll give you an example. My team knows, do not book me, let's say on a call with Heather at 5 o' clock in the afternoon, I won't be as animated, I won't be as sharp, I won't be as congruent, ruined. Because, you know, I wake up at 6:30 and by 9:30, 10, 11 o', clock, I'm like going, I'm like picking up the speed. So I do all my hardest stuff, the ones that requires my energy, focus and attention early in the day. That's why I exercise early. It's easier for me because I'm an early morning person, to say yes to exercise early in the morning. If you leave me till 4 or 5 o' clock in the afternoon and never exercise, if you say to me, you know, meditate in the afternoon, easy, because I'm already like, okay, I'm more chill. So when we understand a little bit about how our brain circuits reward circuit willpower, circuit fear, circuit stress, circuit anxiety, circuit focus circuit turns on or off, then we can start to manage our mindset a little bit better, manage our emotions, which is really the energy in motion. Is it a high energy emotional arc or a low energy emotional arc? And then that's what drives behavior. And so if I'm in a high emotional, energetic arc, I actually want to move towards what it is that I want to achieve. But if I'm in a low emotional arc, I want to move away from it because it requires energy and my brain doesn't want to expend energy. So those are some of the neuromechanics of what we're, we're dealing with. And I don't want this to be a neuroscience course, but we all have way more control, you know, of what's going on between our ears. And that's really what drives you know, what we do or don't do.

I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what.

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