#50: Lauren Handel Zander of Handel Group: How Falling In Love With Yourself Is The Key To Living Your Dreams

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Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you're here with me again today in quarantine, which is so unbelievably crazy. I hope that you are hanging in there. One of the things that I figured out this week is I'm so lucky to have a beautiful view. I can see the ocean from my window and it's really beautiful. And I actually heard some science that looking at a beautiful image, beautiful landscape and or beautiful view is very helpful to healing the body, keeping yourself calm. So if you do not have a beautiful view, I suggest looking at a picture of one and putting a picture somewhere that you can see it readily. That can help you to stay calm and centered and focused on positive things. Because the world around us is spinning so crazy with so much negativity that it's easy to get caught up in it. And I actually, I had a phone call with a friend this morning who was saying, oh, I just, I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious. I was so stressed out yesterday. It's so obvious that we all are having these highs and lows as we're in quarantine, not knowing what's happening. 16 plus million people losing their job, businesses closing, people dying, people sick, people wondering if they're gonna get sick. And there's so much fear and unknown out there, it's triggering a lot of us when we least expect it. And I actually, I have my own example for you of that this week. I, as you know, if you've been listening to the show, I got fired a little over two years ago and wrote and self published my first book and then started my speaking career and then launched my podcast. And my speaking business really started taking off in the past six months. And I had some major wins literally five weeks ago, right before coronavirus hit. And I just saw this trajectory about to explode. I was booked for a huge event in New York in September, which has since been canceled and had a lot of momentum going into 2020 and first quarter of 2020. So it was really exciting. I had a lot to learn in regards to who I was supposed to be working with, getting my reviews and recommendations, you know, doing all the legwork that you have to do in a new business to make a name for yourself, become reputable, become credible. All this crap I had already done in corporate America for 20 plus years when I was in media, I was starting over as a rookie. Well, basically what's happened with the speaking business, as with many businesses is it's been leveled. It's basically game over for this year. So my number one revenue new driver has disappeared. And to say that that's heartbreaking and upsetting is an understatement. But I know it's one that a lot of us are all in together right now. Anyone in the events business is feeling the same pain that I am, anyone in the speaking business is feeling the same pain I am. And then so many other industries, restaurants, bars, all closed down businesses closing their doors. So again, I know I'm not alone. You are not alone. If you're struggling right now financially, mentally on how do we wrap our heads around this and pivot. And the other day this week actually I just had a moment, a major little mental breakdown pity party for myself, which is fine. I think it's fine for all of us to feel that way once in a while. But just don't beat yourself up when you do. And you don't need to feel confused about it either because I certainly didn't. I knew why I was upset. I know that this stinks and it's frustrating. However, what I wanted to share is this. I was having a little pity party for myself because two and a half years ago I got fired and I felt so similar to how I feel right now, right? Standing on the cusp of something that we don't have figured out, that I don't know how it's going to go. I don't have the answers. I'm moving into unknown, unchartered waters and I'm yet again a rookie trying to build something new that I don't have credibility and that I don't have experience in. And it's stinks and it's scary and it's hard. And I know the past, you know, two years have been really hard. While they've been great and exciting and I'm grateful for them, they've been really hard, like seven days a week. Working hard and not always having things go the way I'd hoped or you know, trying to build businesses that have failed my clothing line, you know, there's so many different things, partnerships I've worked on that have fallen apart. And you know, just realizing this week that I'm back at square one again in many regards. I really built my business up in a speaking end to something that was substantial, sustainable, positive and I felt really confident in it. Four weeks ago, five weeks ago, when coronavirus hit. And now to know I've spoken to so many people, so many of my agents that I work with, and so many of my peers in the speaking business. And everyone has agreed, basically 2020 is done and essentially everything is canceled. So knowing that, listen, things could change again tomorrow. As we've all seen with coronavirus, things can change so quickly that I don't want to say it's a definite, but it certainly looks as though most events are getting rescheduled for 2021. So revenue for 2020 will be postponed until next year. Now that I know that, okay, I'm back at square one. And I have to say, how can I pivot my business? So one of the things I've been noticing, and I want you to notice too, are these little micro trends that we're starting to see. And for me, those micro trends could become macro trends. We don't know where things will go yet. And I'm being told a lot of different things. So some people are using the example of the Roaring twenties. You know, after the Spanish Flu, the roaring twenties happened and people came back with a bang, celebrating bucket list items and vacations and partying and, you know, the world was on fire. Others are anticipating the next Great Depression and people out of work and negativity and ultimately depression, anxiety, et cetera. So these are very. Two completely different potentials, right? Both have the potential to happen. We don't know what the future holds, but how do we survive and thrive within either one of these complex situations? So I've been thinking a lot about that. And one of the micro trends I'm noticing in my small world, which I don't want to stay too stuck in, and I don't want you to be too stuck in your small world either. It's important we pick our heads up and see what's going on outside of our businesses is I'm noticing I am being asked virtually every day to play a role, to be a speaker in a virtual conference in these virtual events. So at first I was thinking that's a complete waste of time. I want nothing to do with it and I will just hold out for my live events. Well, I've since over the past couple weeks changed my mind. I'm actually doing a virtual event today on a platform called Loom, which I've never used before. And I'm immersing myself in this new virtual event world that I know nothing about, have never hosted one, and am now only being a speaker at different Zoom events, LinkedIn Live events, Instagram Live, Facebook Live. But now going the next level to get into some of these bigger platforms, bigger virtual event platforms. Well, the reason why I was being asked by many people to do these small things, I was ignoring it. Then I did a LinkedIn Live the other day with someone who's in Italy, who's working with the venture capitalists, who is working with $20 million to really blow up the virtual platform business and reinvent how it's being done. I also have been contacted by a couple of people simultaneously on LinkedIn, talking to me about how I, as a speaker, can create some unique value by doing these virtual events differently and making it more like a real event where you're walking around, you know, videographer, et cetera. So I start imagining what could this look like and thinking about different and better ways to do it, as we're all trying to imagine different and better ways to do things online. So I realized, okay, I've gotta really immerse myself in this if I want to understand it, which means I need to learn a new business. Know anyone in the virtual event space? I don't have any experience with virtual events and, or the platforms, and suddenly I need to find out, should I be the one hosting these events so that I can charge and direct it and be in charge of it and then invite people to my events, or is my time better spent just being paid to show up and what do I charge to show up and should I be an affiliate partner in affiliate partnerships on virtual events and. Or selling products is a very viable revenue stream if you're not, you know, jumping into that portion of the business yet. I suggest you look at it. I mean, you can sell different products and be paid commissions this way. You can, for me, as a speaker, promote events to sell tickets for events, and I can get a commission on that and. Or you can be paid, you know, to show up, attend and be showcased as a speaker at these different things. So a lot to learn, to understand. And I was sitting on my couch the other day, actually getting ready for the event that I'm doing today on Loom. And I'm downloading yet again a new app, a new event platform app, and I'm doing a tutorial on how to utilize Loom. And I start realizing, oh my gosh, I'm a rookie again, I'm a beginner again. And I just started crying and thinking. I worked so hard the past two years to develop my credibility, perfect my speeches, and really start killing it in that business. And I was thinking taking off like a rocket ship and it crashed. So here I am at the beginning again, just like you. We're reinventing ourselves. We've gotta take a step back and learn first. Immerse ourselves in the education and find out what is that right strategy for me? Should I be the one hosting which platform should I use? Which opportunity is the most viable for a revenue stream? How can I differentiate myself, offer more value and be better than the next guy or girl? And how do I pivot my speeches for what used to work when I was on a stage in real life? How can I make it more vibrant, more compelling, more engaging? Now that I'm not in real life and I'm doing it virtually, there's got to be something different and better I can do for this venue through the computer. So I'm trying to figure that out now. I've been reading, doing tutorials and it's frustrating. It just reminded me so much of being fired and how frustrated I was trying to learn the speaking business and find out who, who hire speakers and then find out what is the right length of the keynote and what are the key talking points. All this work that I did over the past couple years to know now there's gotta be a different and better way to do it, to connect through on the virtual platform. So I'm right there with you. If you're pivoting, if you're starting over, if you're frustrated, if you're feeling anxious, if you're feeling down, I am so there with you. You are not alone. And you don't need to wonder why. Some days you get anxious or can't fall asleep or start feeling scared, frustrated and angry because I'm feeling that same way in moments too. And today I'm feeling better because I'm actually doing my first loom. So that's progress. Don't know how good it will be, but I'm doing it for someone else this time. So I'm learning I'm a first time virtual event keynote speaker today, which, okay, we're going to add that one to the resume along with work from home during a pandemic, which I never thought I'd see. So don't get too frustrated with yourself, have some compassion and empathy and realize we are all struggling with this stuff. Starting over can be tough, but it also means that when you are in uncertain times, anything is possible, anything challenging and anything great. So who knows, maybe I'm gonna find out I'm way better on my virtual events of some amazing Pivot and idea I come up with that can change the way that events happen and connect with people. And that's the optimism that I'm looking for that I'm moving forward with and I'm open to and I'm just putting it out to the universe that I'm going to come up with something unique and different that nobody's ever seen that is going to be mind blowing. And then I actually someone reached out to me last week and said, hey, this is someone who had hired me to speak at a live event in Philadelphia. And now this person was reaching out to me to say, hey, obviously our event is canceled. However, we would like to do an online event. What do you charge for virtual events, Heather? Now listen, we all know that a virtual event where you don't have to get on a plane, right? You don't have to have the upheaval of your personal life, you don't have to spend a night away in a hotel, it's going to be less money, but I don't know how much less because I'm new to this business, right? I'm a rookie and I reached out to a few people and no one could advise me because they hadn't done virtual events yet either. So I don't have that pay structure, that rate card yet. And so I essentially just said to my client, listen, I don't know what to tell you to pay me. Why don't you pay me what you think is fair? I will say this, it is less than what I was charging you to be face to face with you because I don't have to travel, I don't have to spend a night away from my son. And I want you to take that into consideration. But whatever you feel is fair, I'm happy to do it. For now, this again is my learning curve. Fast forward to yesterday. I was on the phone with a friend in the speaking business and he actually told me to set a rate which was a reduced rate from my in person speaker fee and instead guarantee a money back guarantee on results that they will love my speaking virtually. And I like that idea because I feel 100% confident in my ability to speak. So I know I'll do a great job for anyone. I just need to determine what that dollar amount is and then offer a money back guarantee. Why wouldn't people say yes? So think about that with your business as you pivot and move things online and are changing and trying things for the first time. If you give a money back guarantee, it's pretty hard to say no. So, hoping that you are feeling good, pivoting your business and taking those first steps forward into that unknown with me, because we are all in this together. And I am so excited for you to meet my guest today and gain some insights into how to position yourself the best way you can for success. I was really touched by this conversation and I hope you will too. So hold tight. We're going to be right back. Hi and welcome back.

I'm so excited for you to meet my guest today. Lauren Zander is the co founder and chairwoman of Handel Group, an executive life coaching company. Her coaching methodology, the Handel Method, is taught in over 50 universities and institutes of learning around the world, including MIT, Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City public school system. Holy cow. Lauren is also the creator of Inner Learn to Human Better. That's an interesting concept. The online coaching course that teaches the entirety of the Handel Method, which has been used by dozens of celebrities, CEOs and entrepreneurs since 2004. And she's the author of maybe it's yous, a no nonsense practical manual that helps readers figure out not just what they want out of life, but how to actually get there. She spent over 20 years coaching thousands of private and corporate clients, including executives at Live Nation, Ticketmaster, Vogue, Warner Brothers. Oh my gosh. Lauren's been featured as an expert in the New York Times, BBC, Forbes, Women's Health, Dr. Oz. The list goes on and on. Lauren, thank you so much for being here today.

Oh my God, I love it. I'm very happy to be here. I really am.

Well, thank you.

All right, so there's so much to get into right now, but where I really want to start and as I mentioned to you, a lot of my people are entrepreneurs and or in corporate America and looking for like, what is that next move? How do they get ahead? Can you give us your story? You know, you've achieved massive success, but as you said, it's 20 years in the making. How did this all come to be?

So once upon a time I was an environmental studies major. Like, I knew global warming was coming in the 90s, right? Like I knew. And I studied and got a BS in Environmental studies and went to work at the United Nations Global Environment Facility. Like, so ambitious and like, in love with Making Change has been very me since I'm a wee little girl, right? And got that job. Hated the job. Hey, I mean, I can, I can't describe how uncomfortable and unhappy I was when I like, achieved success and found out I was an idiot. So imagine that happened at around 22. And then I needed to figure out, well, what do I really care about? And it was ridiculous. It like, light bulb goes off and I was like, oh, I used to be, save the trees, kill the people, right? The people are not saving my trees. Make sense, right? Like, and then the insight at 22 was like, oh, it's not the trees that need to change, it's the people that don't see the trees. It's like humanity. Like, oh my God, I'm working in the wrong sphere, like, entirely. And if you actually watch my whole life, it wasn't like I didn't goddamn love people or have my best friend. Like, it wasn't like I wasn't loving humans. I was just mad at the world. And then when I made that big shift, my life took off from there, right? Like, so everything changed when I figured out that my true calling was to change something that mattered to me, to my core.

So you're like, how did you figure that out? Because that's one of the questions people ask me a lot. I got fired, which really, truly was.

The catalyst for me to figure out.

To do something differently. What was that one pivotal moment for you?

When I really figured out it's what do I want to do in that time in my life I was chasing, like, I'll do the hard work, right? Like, who even cares if I like the subject, really, or if I'm even good at it, or if it even turns me on that I'm reading the magazines at night, like, studying this shit, right? Like, I didn't quite get that the thing to follow most is what you love the most and what you want to do, like every minute of the day. And so everyone inside themselves right now, if I said, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to work 10 hour days, it's true. But make me a list of the only shit you want to do. Like your favorite. People don't look for that. They look for, well, if I do this, I'll get to there. I'll get to there. I'll get to there. I'll get to that. Like, so in order to. And then they separate out. It's about money. I need to make money. I want to have kids. I wanted to. Like, so the logic that's deploying a human to figure out first, second, third, fourth doesn't come from the heart first, it comes from the head. And the head is like the computer that gets you everything. It's the bank, it's the resume, it's the like, okay, but the heart is like, what do you love? What do you love to do? So if you go, lauren, do you love to talk to people? Find out their story, find out how to make them make changes? Like is that your love? Yeah, like Lauren, can someone call you at three in the morning and you still want to hear the damn story? I'm like, what happens? People have a head, they have a heart and they have a hoo ha. Okay, Head is resume, bank, money, what matters. And I love a head, right? I didn't say don't have a head. Heart is meaningful. Love it. It's a pleasure. It never gets old, right? It means something to you. Hoo ha is your when it's not sex, it's you're cool, right? This is so cool, right? It's more like where your ego ends up and it's clapping for you. It's not that important. But head gets 100%, heart gets 100%. Hoo Ha gets 100% and most people don't know their head fully. Heart fully. Hoo ha fully. And they fight. And then the world really thinks it's 100% for your head, your heart and your hoo ha, not 300%. Does that make sense?

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Lot about people just not even being awake to even thinking about this.

They never stop to sit down and fall in love with themselves and really go, I have the answers versus let me see how to fix this. Let me see what to do next. Where brilliant strategists see heads win most awards. So when a person goes into their job right now, if you ask yourself head is it happy? Heart is it happy? Hoo ha is it happy? You'll find out it's two out of three. It's a little lame. It really is. Out of 100% from all three, like no one's really happy. And so the real answer is to like can we take a time out and can you just stop burning it? And can you tell me your head's greatest dream, your heart's greatest dream and what would make your who hi the happiest and separate it out. Don't worry about hypocrisy. Don't worry that you don't think you can get there. Don't worry that Your head says, shut up, heart. Right? Like, don't go into the fight. Really just start to see what matters most. This also works in people's love lives 100%. I actually invented it for love life and figured out it was the damn same thing for all areas of life.

What you reminded me of for my life is back when I was in corporate America, I was at. I was either the VP of Sales or Chief Revenue Officer at the time. You know, on the external, I had succeeded making a lot of money. You know, I had hit smash the glass ceiling. I was really, in my mind, killing it. And I'll never forget, I sat down with a mentor of mine, an older gentleman who's a vendor of mine. I was going to see him for work. We were in New York, and he said, hey, I need you to do something for me. I said, sure. What is it? And he said, I need you to pick your head up, and I want you to look around beyond where you're looking. Look outside of this industry. Look beyond this year and today and your goals. And I want you to tell me, where do you really want to go with your life? Because you're not living up to your potential. And I'll never forget, no one has ever spoken to me like that before. And I didn't even understand. So I know some people are listening right now, and they still maybe don't even get this yet, because you're so in the grind. You're freaking out about the virus, you're freaking out about paying your bills, so you're not even thinking about it. And I was completely not awake. And when he challenged me to do that, I defended myself. I got angry with him. I said, you don't understand. I'm a single mother and I have bills. I don't know what you're talking about, why you would say this to me. I was angry at him. However, it took me years. And I didn't have your plan and your method then, so. Which is unfortunate because it took me a long time from that conversation. It wasn't like he handed me a playbook. But what he did do was he opened my mind to what if there is more? And that took me down a road where ultimately I did pick my head up. And then I decided, okay, if there's something that I want to pursue, but I don't know what it is, what's the next step? And I started talking to people in my life, slowly, that I trusted. And I'll never forget, one day I had a friend that said to me, you need to do something that makes you incredibly uncomfortable. That's going to set you down a new path. And I said, okay, well, what makes me uncomfortable? He said, go take a comedy, a stand up comedy class. I said, I'm not going to do that. That's ridiculous. But he said, look at your visceral reaction. You're angry about it. I said, yeah, because it's stupid. He said, then that's your answer. Go take the class. So I took the stupid stand up comedy class that I didn't want to take. And it was so funny because that led me down this path of noticing that I had a really. It was really easy for me to stand on stage and speak. From there I started getting involved in charity. From there I started speaking at charity events. From there I started emceeing charity events. Then I started seeing, wow, the speaking thing comes really easy to me. Helping other people is really important to me. Wow, this is something. I want to spend more time outside of work because my work doesn't cater to any of this stuff. And then suddenly I was leading these two different lives, feeling purpose and passion at night and on the weekends with the chair. I was involved in getting the paycheck during the day and thinking never the two could meet until ultimately I got fired. So I know there's so many people out there right now saying, what is that blueprint? You know, how can we accelerate from the moment of.

Hang on.

Okay, I get it. There's more to this. I need to pursue my heart and my passion and get these things all to come together, but they don't know how to make that happen. How do they do that?

Where I developed my method was actually on graduate students for five years at mit. Okay. Because I didn't want to be some weirdo unicorn that was just special. And I could rock one person. Like I had it versus there was an it, a method, something, right? So I went crazy on learning to transfer it into something that I didn't need to be there for. And so all I care about is process. Like, I'm a process junkie. And so imagine that. So I have been developing a step by step process, which is I break life out into 12 different areas. Like, my basics are this. I make people dream in all 12 because most people hide in two areas or overachieve in two areas and don't even rem. Like what, 12 areas of life? Right. Fuck that. Life is expansive and we're here to dream. Even though there's no language for dreaming. Right? There's no Structure for doing your own damn homework to connect to your own heart and soul, right? That's not what they're teaching. They're teaching Christopher Columbus. Don't blame them, right? But for God damn sake, let me develop a language that calls me out and calls you out and let me practice it on all the little human guinea pigs that I've been at Stanford and get to the stuff. Smartest humans who will fight me if it isn't epic, right? So that's what I did. And so really what I do. And my process is like an archetype of engaging yourself to find your higher self. So first I make you dream, then I make you rate your dream against your current life. If you go through my program, you'll find out most people suck at dreaming. I mean like, don't. Even if I say, please tell me why you can't have your dream prolific. Why can't you have the love of your life, the sex you always wanted, the money you always wanted? And you're like, I'll tell you why, right? So people are prolific about what's in their way and they never figure out they are not prolific about what they want, right? Like we don't even dream. Not because we can't, but because. And then see, science, 80% of our thoughts, over 80% of our thoughts are negative. Wow, it gets worse. Wait, wait till this one comes through. Okay, Roddy. And repeating from the day before. Now everyone goes, what do you mean repeating from the day before? I'm like, you know how you have road rage? I'm joking. Everyone. But road rage. Like you're yelling at idiots every day and you're like, as if you're yelling at new idiots every day versus you yell at people on the road every day. Does that make you feel good? Is that fun for you? Right? Like, and maybe it's you. There comes my one liner, right? Like, so it's like literally going through my process. And the process has one next after the other. I teach you a concept and then I tell you what the process is. I give you damn examples and I make you do it, right? And you're like, who have you done this to? And I'm like every damn CEO I sit with. And trust me, you know who they are, right? Actors. And then 13 year olds can do this. There's just no language for it. Does that make sense?

It does.

But these are the things like you.

Said that aren't being taught in school. Well, you know, now to the schools.

That you're actually working with.

But we wish that they were being taught to my 12 year old. I want him to have access this, to begin thinking a different way. It shouldn't have taken me to be 40 years old to even start having these thoughts or conversation. And I'm around my friends who are incredibly successful on paper and always ask me, hey, how did you, you know, how did you start doing something that you really love? Wasn't it so scary? How do you break through that fear? And for me, fear has been one of my biggest holdbacks. Is that what you see with a lot of the people that you work with, why they aren't dreaming?

So fear. So first of all, if you go, what do you really make people figure out? I really make people figure out their inner dialogue. Like, I really get you to hear yourself and then by the time you really hear yourself and understand one of the main things I find after you, like I make people do their whole homework. Imagine that you write your dream for love and you haven't gotten laid in six months because you just got divorced. Like, and you're hating like whatever it is, or your business is tanking or you want to leave your business, right? What happens is you have this dream, but you've never really, really, really written it out, like cleanly. And then I ask you to rate your life against that dream and you give yourself a four, because that's fair, right? And then I go, tell me now write what you think is between you and a 9, 10 in that area and tell me what you think is stopping you, what you think about the world, what you think about everything that explains why you can't have that dream. And what happens is the individual really writes their fears deeply explains, because it's the inner dialogue. And another language, piece of language I have is we're all a bunch of double agents fighting between what we wish was true and what we think we can never have. Except if you go, I'm going to have this. Like you have, right? So if you go, I want to run a marathon, you have a real problem because guess who has to get out of bed early and go for a run. So then there's this double issue, which is we're a little lazy and believe in fear, so we don't have to get up at 6am Right? And you're like, really? Humans don't want to do the dream? Yeah, no, we don't. Like, if we name the dream, you have to do it for real, right? So then you have to go online dating, you have to go talk to your boss. About that rate. Like the minute you start to dream, literally you're kicking fear's ass from that moment forward, like there's nothing else but fear. Negative thinking. What you go, what's that? 80% negative thoughts. It's fear based, not maybe.

So when you bring up the idea.

Of running a marathon, the first thing that comes to mind for me, because.

You'Re really discussing the concept of doing the work right now. If we have the dream, we got to do the work. So how do you encourage or hold your clients accountable in those challenging. It is a challenge to get out of bed at 6am to go for the run.

So the first thing I teach, really, so once I get you to get who you are, what your inner dialogue is doing, the next thing I teach is a concept that in 2006 I was able to copyright and own. Ready for what I own, I own personal integrity. That is impressive because nobody wanted it or even thought of it.

Right?

So personal integrity is not about being able to keep promises to other people. It's about can you keep a promise to yourself? And what I think and then I make a joke. I teach people where the real promised land is your ability to keep promises to yourself. And that's the muscle I teach that's really powerful.

I mean, keeping a promise to yourself is at the core of confidence. Would you agree with that?

It is where self confidence comes from. It's the only place if you don't have self confidence, you would go, where am I breaking promises that I don't believe in myself because I break those promises. Self confidence is a verb, not a noun. It's not something you have. Right? It's not. It's something you cause daily. And the only way to have it is because you keep promises to yourself, because you respect yourself. I am. And then fill in the blank. I am the best mother. I am building a company. But if you don't back that up with promises that you keep yourself but you're pleasing everybody else. We are epic at being martyrs. We are not epic at being true to ourselves. And the only way to have confidence, where it really touches your heart, your head and your hoo ha is by being true to yourself.

But we lie.

I make people do the biggest lie lists ever because, oh, I didn't send that email. Sure you did.

Right.

Like everyone's lying to keep up appearances to keep everybody else happy. Right from orgasms to where you were to don't tell them what you're really thinking. To like, the way we lie is literally one of the greatest crimes against our self respect in business, in life, in deals, everywhere. I mean everywhere. So obviously he can start to get this method is in for the saint of heart. Because most people don't want to face the way they lie. Again, science says the reason we need so much Prozac, the reason we're so upset, like they literally go, humans do minimum 11 lies a day, unconscious that.

They'Re even doing it, or you're saying.

That they recognize that they're doing it.

Oh, they think it's part of social grease. It's actually being good to my wife. It's like they literally. The dark side makes you think it's noble to lie. Baha Ha. Where's the lying section in the bookstore? Exactly. Where's the whole world of like, it's literally the funniest thing to me because the biggest issue. Why are divorces happening? Why do deals fall apart? Because people don't tell the truth about where they are, what they can do, how much they can afford. What that like everyone's a bunch of liars. And then there's no lying section for us to even face. We are because we all think it's fucking noble to lie. Like, I made my wife feel better. I didn't tell her how upset I was with her. Oh, my husband came home laying in, blah, blah. Everyone thinks keeping up appearances is like being a good person.

So how do you get them to break that pattern? When what you're saying is it's beyond just, you know, one individual. It's a matter of culture.

How do you eat an elephant one bite at a time. I don't do the lying section in the Method until like module seven. Right. Don't worry. It's the most powerful breakthroughs you'll ever have is when you actually understand how to never lie again. It's actually profound because it's being true to yourself. And you're walking around like you have to lie versus ask for what you want. It's like, it's so bizarre, but it's a step by step process. Really. Really, really, really, really. And coming clean on yourself is literally the act of self love. If you're hiding everything that you ever did that you're ashamed of or embarrassed about, and then you're covering it up and then that's your inner dialogue, like your true self inside that you're keeping a secret is literally what you're protecting. It's why you need two drinks. It could be over exercise. It's just you're hiding. That's fear. Telling the Truth, coming clean, finding your real friends, finding your real job, finding your. Like, it comes from inside out. I've been doing this for 20 years. It works on 12 year olds. And just so you know, 12 year olds get it like 16 times faster, right?

Because they don't have all the years in that we do in creating these bad habits.

It's because 12 year olds are starting to lie to everyone and they don't know how to tell the truth instead of lie. And so that's really right at the precipice of like, oh, how am I going to talk to my dad about that? How am I going to deal with my grades? How am I going to deal with that? I'm a little bulimic. How am I going to deal with that? I feel a little gay. How am I going to like, they don't like. Everyone starts lying early to keep every appearance up for people who are pressuring them to be good and getting the bell curve just right. That's why. And if I, teacher, come in and get you to learn how to face your truth, find out how you lie like and start to figure out what to do about all of it. I'm at the heart of a soul. These little puppies are the cutest puppies you ever saw. They don't want to turn into lying Stepford. Fake it till you make it, but it never makes it. So it's, it's so much easier if I can run the conversation right and teach people how actually special they are and just never been educated proper like, and not educated like, learn this, but experience and learn this. It's like a gps. Once you know how to plug it in, you don't need me every day. You need to understand the gps.

So once you, you're identifying some of these big goals and big dreams you have. And I've heard you talk about this.

And I really like how you explain it.

In order to hold yourself accountable, you have some strategies that you implement, whether it be the running a marathon or whatever your, whatever your goal may be. Can you walk us through how you do that differently?

Okay, I believe so. That joke I made about the promised land, like promises and promises you make that you're not likely to keep. Everything that you want is on the other is in the promised land. Okay. And the promised land is where you literally be true to yourself in ways that you wouldn't naturally like it could be as dumb as a bedtime. You're staying up watching Netflix till two in the morning and then you wonder why you feel like, shit in the morning, right? Like, it could be like, I don't know what yours is, but they're cute and they're probably closer to a 15 year old's issues. Like eating cookies at night, having three drinks. Like, we all have vices. And so here's how I roll. Please hear. I have vices, everyone. Can you?

We all do. Yay.

Okay, so I convert using your vices for good. For example, I wanted to see what would happen for six weeks straight if I meditated twice a day. Like, what would happen? Ready for how I did it, people? I don't get my coffee in the morning until I've meditated. I don't get any Netflix at night until I've meditated. Tell my children I have three of them. Guess who would call? And if they catch, Like, I don't lie to my kids, I would personally never. Not like, I could literally screw up that promise in two seconds because I'm a jerk. I don't meditate twice a day unless I make myself. I'm so proud of myself. So you put in a promise that's out of reach, that you wish you would do, and then you put in a funny consequence. Will I die if I don't get my coffee?

No.

Now, would my brat and me, my, like, give me my coffee, die if I don't get my coffee?

Debatable.

Trust me, she's gonna. She. This is what I did. I would run downstairs, put the pot on, run back upstairs and sit and meditate. It was easy, fun and right. And it's easy, fun. Sit on my bed, meditate. So then I have integrity when I start watching Netflix. It makes the Netflix better, folks. So if you want to be writing, if you want to be sending out resumes, if you want to be having conversations, you want to be networking, you want to be dating, take advice and screw it hard by making you keep a promise. So if I don't do stand up, I don't get any shit sugar. Want to bet you'll get your butt to stand up? Everything can be done if your vice is on the line. Because we want our vices, you guys, we live for our vices, right? We live for sleeping, extra lay. Like, whatever your vices are, you love them. Now use them for something good.

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It's so smart, yet I've never thought.

About it, but I love that idea.

So what did happen to you after.

Six weeks of meditating twice a day?

What type of impact did this have on you? And the fact that you kept that promise to yourself, I want to hear how you felt differently.

So meditation is for me, a zone. And the zone is like a place. Like, it's where you go after death. It's where you were before you were alive. It's anything you can dream of. People, I don't need you to go. Do you know that, Lauren? I'm like, that's what I'm making up, right? Like, that's my dream of where, like, meditation. And I do believe in channeling. Like, I channel. If I wanted to sit and talk to Steve Jobs, I can literally conjure him to come sit with me in meditation. I'm not kidding. I didn't learn that for myself. I got that as a note from Napoleon Hill. He talked about the sixth dimension. So I make up stuff because life is so filled with your power to imagine. So meditation is the training of getting out of like, physical reality and going into a spiritual, spiritual reality. Wow, that is. What do I get out of meditation? It's the bomb, you know. And then I do a shit ton of art. Like, I'm very artistic and I literally coach and do art. Like, so I love the creative zone. Not to try to make money in it, but like, to really channel how sacred it is to be human and alive. And rather than thinking of ourselves as like Stepford and following the, you know, good human, I literally go, whoo, whoo. What can we be? What are we here? For Right. A whole different way to be amazing.

And meditation unlocks that creativity for you.

Like, you know, so there's like, two meditation teachers I quote and love. One is named Vietnamese, and she's extra shamany and awesome and makes like, gotta go check out the yet. Or if you're more buttoned up in corporate, which I kind of am. Both. Right. It's Emily Fletcher. And they are the most stunning, leading, epic teachers of this right that I send my people to. And then I am. I teach manifesting. I teach real dreaming. So all my work is very practical, but dreamy. And then there's so much language in it that I teach you that you. That will give you the GPS in your own version. That. That's. That's it. So there you go. And I walk my talk, which is so important.

I love that you hold yourself accountable and share how you put your vices.

To work for you.

All right, can you share with us in parts of your method, the chicken, the brat, and the weather report, Because I thought this was so interesting.

So after you write your dream in any area, whether it's your body, your money, right? You then rate your current life against that dream and then explain why you gave yourself that rating. Okay? So now imagine you wrote all your inner dialogue out about why money doesn't work for you. You're bad at it. You're this da, da, da, da. You blame this. So you puke out all your inner dialogue, right? In that paragraph, you will find very few facts. What you will find are three voices that just puked on the page. Okay? I like to call it a purge. And the first one is the voice of the chicken. Like you literally, after you write that paragraph, you can literally go lift out the voice of the chicken. I can't do that because my husband. I wasn't able to do that because I need go to college. Everything you use against yourself that says I can't or it's hard, or it's fear based, like I don't have the power, or you're a martyr, right? So that you find the sentences that are chicken sentences. You literally can go listen to that thing squawk. Next voice. And you can bet this one's more my issue. Everyone. The voice of the brat. I'll do it tomorrow. Leave me alone. I like tobacco. I'd rather starve than exercise. Do I have to call my mother? Right? Like, she's annoying, right? So I was a bratty bitch who, like, could get away with it. So most of my sentences are bratty, okay? So the voice of the brat is your moodiness, folks. Where you go, I'm exhausted. I just couldn't talk about all moodiness. We put under the brat tantruming to try and get its way. And mostly it's still just dark and fear based, like, leave me alone, I don't want to feel that. I don't want to say that. I don't want to deal with it. But it's bratty, not chicken. And then the real kicker is what I call weather reports. This is where we have blanket generalizations. You know there's a glass ceiling for women, right? We have these generalizations. We go, oh, I wish it wasn't true. But you know how men are. You know how business is. You know how it is, you know, sex life in a marriage after 50 really sweeping generalizations. And then watch how you fuck. A sweeping generalization, okay? And this is why I call it a weather report. So it really is true. It's 72 degrees and sunny in LA today. What a shock. I'm joking. I have no idea what it is. But if I said, can you make it 40 degrees? No, it's weather, Lauren. I don't have power over the weather. I'm like, yes, that is so true. You can't change that. But then we go, I'm not a morning person. I'm not good with money. Okay? Just like it's 72 degrees and sunny. I'm not good with money. I'm not a morning person. I don't like to exercise. I'm not good at discipline. And I go, here's the deal. $20,000 a day, you follow your schedule. You're up at 6, you're in bed by 11. And you design your day every day up to 20,000. And you're disciplined and you have integrity and you fucking love it. You even have to love it. 20 grand every day and a day if you actually get 99% of what you created, and I can't think you were lame or didn't push yourself like a crazy person. Everyone, we're going to do like this. This is the most fun I ever heard. Like, oh, my God. So can you hear how dark that is? Like, if I can bait you with money to be epic in a day. Like, bullshit. Called bullshit. All your weather reports are very likely bullshit. But you talk about yourself like you're the weather. Like you're a weather reporter and there's a weather. Like, oh, you've always had bad weather. It's cold in Canada. I've never been a Morning person. I'm an introvert. Really? I'll give you 100 grand for every time you go do stand up for 10 minutes and you actually get four laughs done, like every introvert would be signing up for. That was bullshit.

You know, it's so interesting that we're.

Talking about this because yesterday I had.

A student led conversation with my son at his school where he was taking us through his progress thus far in the semester. And when we left, I said, you know, there's so much volatility between when you put effort in versus when you don't. Do you see that? He said, yeah, I really do. I said, okay, so you know, you have the potential within you. You're just choosing not to do the work occasionally. It's not on a consistent, you know, it's inconsistency. And he said, I know. He said, but you know what really got my attention is when they said, if I remain inconsistent, I lose basketball.

Whoa.

And I mean, it's exactly what you're saying right now, using, you know, the thing that we love to get us to withhold that, to get us to give the effort that we need to in the moment and keep it top of mind. And it applies to children, it applies to adults. It's just we've lost track of that as adults.

We think because we think we have integrity like a gnome, because we think we are good people no matter how many promises we break, no matter how shitty we actually are, no matter how many cookies or drinks we have, then we pity party and we still keep doing it. And then we think, what's wrong with us? Not I'm an asshole who doesn't keep promises that I really should keep to be profound.

Right?

How do I fix that? Very simple. No drink until you did your thing. Right? Like I didn't tell you, don't drink. Just don't have one until you get the shit done. You, like, reverse the fortune, stop thinking you're good and you don't know why you're dark and start getting, maybe we're dark so we don't ever get to be really good.

What are some of the biggest breakthroughs that you've had with a client that.

You'Re most proud of?

I helped make a billionaire from broke. Like, broke in debt, shitty marriage. We fixed the marriage. It's been maybe, I think we were trying to figure it out. It's been like seven years from broke to worth a billion on paper. I'm not kidding. We like had our first billionaire.

That's pretty amazing.

And Then just so everybody knows, when people get their all 12 areas of your life to be an above an 8 according to your higher self, then you make your 8 a 1 and you dream again. You're like, Lauren, dude, you get we're here to fulfill on so much magic, not on suffering. We didn't come to suffer. Now we have to get. We're assholes who choose suffering because it's kind of, you know, see seven deadly sins, like, what do you like? But we won't tell the truth about our dark side and face it. And the more we do, the more light we bring in, right? You have to bring light to dark. And we pretend we're light and we don't know what's going on with the dark. See lying, see hiding shit. See not telling the truth and seeing scared, seeing moody, seeing like it's wherever you're plagued, that's the dark side. And your higher self hasn't had a minute to kick any ass with real presence.

So when everyone that's listening right now says, okay, I'm ready to do that, I'm ready to get to this next level, to break through. How do they find you? Where do they go and what do you want them to do? Is it to sign up for your online course?

So first of all, I'm like, I think I'm a Robin Hood. Okay? Which means I think I went to Stanford, mit, I worked for Sequoia Capital with their best CEO. Like I went and went to the top so that I could build something at the highest level so I could give it away for nothing. Like what it costs to have me for an hour is what it costs for people to get all my content. Less like a third of my rate for everything I teach. And I created a zoom world where everyone's on interu, they can meet each other, you can network, you can date, you can like. I literally am building a world where people like minded who want to kick their own asses can come together. And literally we'll do a. You'll give them a coupon and there's inner you career. That is all my content that I teach in corporations. I'm not kidding. There's inner you life. If your life's a mess, you'll hit your career later, but you'll get to it. In inner you life. It's my whole content on life that's also the book. Maybe it's you if you really want the cheap version. Then there's inner your love. I have been dealing with helping people find soulmates or whatever they're into without being liars and happy and free love. And then there's interview student because I got them. Need to get to the kids and once you're in you get master classes that are free for the rest of your life taught by hi me, all my coaches. Please trust me, I'm giving it away because I already got it from the rich.

And which website do they go to?

Whatever link you give, it's interu.com you'll have the link.

I'm going to put the link in the show notes so that everyone can.

Check it out because I know after.

This Lauren, people are ready to get real and to end the weather report. I know I am and I can't wait to dig into this. Thank you so much.

As you can tell I'm a passionate crazy person and I wish for everyone to be as in love with their career, their lovers, their body. Like every area should be as on fire as I am. That's all I'm teaching. Like your version of what you're into. Not what I'm into, what you're into. And there's a language missing. Please let me give it to you.

Well I can't wait to check it out and I'm gonna have all the info for you in the show notes. Thank you again Lauren and we're gonna be right back.

I asked you to try to find your passion. I hope hope you enjoyed meeting Lauren as much as I enjoyed having her on and sharing her wisdom. Inner you life amazing online coaching course. It gives you the tools to get yourself unstuck, wildly happy and thriving where it matters most to you, your relationship, self, career, love, body, money, time and more. So I want you to go to the show notes if you want to check it out. If you want more information on it, we're offering great deal today. Get inner you Life for just $325. The regular price is 650. You receive lifetime access with your subscription which includes 12 audio coaching sessions from Lauren, one free private coaching session with an HG coach, access to inner university and the six week coaching boot camp with an HD coach. 14 homework assignments, the interactive promise tracker. I mean so much here. So you get started with your creating competence 75 coupon and at and I'm not going to read this but the link is going to be in the show notes. Go check it out and you can talk to a human there too if you have questions. But I definitely think if you're willing to take some of this time right now to invest in you and to take this time to better yourself, you might have some pretty amazing realizations. Okay, so two questions that I've been getting lately. I've been getting a lot of how are you staying positive? How do you keep yourself sane during this time? Well, as you probably know, I am quarantined with my 12 year old. And while we do get along really well, he's such a great kid and makes me laugh all the time, which is super important and fun. We have been doing our best at night to have a routine where we sit together and watch a funny movie, watch something positive and uplifting. He's been steering me away from more dramatic stuff, which I'm super grateful for because that can be a slippery slope. But the other thing that we're doing together that has been really helpful is one, have a routine. I have a plan of action. Every morning I wake up with intention when my feet hit the ground. I am leading by example. I am going to be taking action. I've got goals. I'm crossing my to do list off. I jump out of bed in the morning. I make coffee. I get the dishes done. I do the laundry. I'm keeping the house house cleaned up. I'm asking for his help and contribution to continuing to help me clean during the week. We each have goals every single day and we are each moving our body. I'm obsessed with the peloton, as I've mentioned to you before, and if you don't have one, we found so many great classes online on YouTube. We took a boxing class which was amazing. There's so many trainers either on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube that you can do for free, which has been really great. And you can try different people, which for me, I was in a rut before. I was just going to Flywheel and just taking the same classes. And now I'm trying a lot of different things. So that's been super positive where I feel like I'm learning and exposed to different people, which has been really cool. And then yesterday our crazy idea was we decided to run the stairs. We don't leave my condo building. We haven't left now in two weeks because now it's mandatory. Mandatory to wear masks in Miami. And you're not supposed to go to the grocery store with children. And if you only go the grocery if you have to. So we've just decided to stay inside. It seems much safer this way. And I've been sleeping better knowing that we're not going to be exposed to anything. But we did decide to run the stairs. And while I used to run the stairs occasionally, my son had never done it. So we did that together yesterday. We're going to do it again today. I'm so super excited for it. It's just something new and random that we're incorporating. But think about what fun things could you incorporate that keep you moving, keep you healthy, trying different things in this weird time. You know, it's kind of on us to get creative. And the more creative we can challenge ourselves, the more it's going to challenge us mentally to think of how can we apply that creativity to our business, our relationships, our friendships?

Who are we checking in with with.

To see if they're okay helping others write this positive momentum that we can totally create for ourselves? Who are we listening to? What shows, podcasts are you immersing yourself in? Make sure they're good for you and helpful, not hurtful. And keep those people around you that are uplifting you and not pulling you down. Because as you know, we need to fire those villains and there is no, no time like the present. If you are in a relationship and in quarantine, make sure that you are asking for what you need and want. Don't let things fester right now. Especially when we don't have a way to escape and go for a drive or get away from someone. It's really important to share our opinions and share what we need. Routine is critical right now. I mean, going to bed at the same time every day, waking up at the same time time and having that plan and to do list has been super helpful for me. And again, I'm going easy on myself because some days I'm having great days where positive things are happening and I'm excited. For example, one of my guests that I just landed that you're probably going to hear next week, I'm super excited for. And some great business opportunities that have arisen out of nowhere that I didn't expect but came because I set up calls with people to see how they were doing and check in with them. So just make sure that you're taking action, reaching out to others, helping others and helping yourself and going easy on yourself because we all deserve that right now. Stay in this moment. Don't start jetting too far ahead. It's a lot safer to live in the present where we can deal with what we've got on our plate today. So breathing through it with you. I'm here with you. I'm cheering you on and I can't wait to see you next time week. As always, if you could please share the show. If you haven't left me a review yet, leave me a review and shoot me a screenshot of the review. And I buy you my $299 confidence video course as a big thank you. Means the world to me, and I can't wait to see you next week. Keep creating your confidence till then. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what? What you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen.

No one succeeds alone.

You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it.

Come on this journey with me.