#76: Alexandra Carter Asks You to Ask For More

Come on this journey with me each week when you join me. We are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow.

I'm ready for my close up.

Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you are here. So this has been the craziest week. Been crazy busy and unexpected is, I guess the best way to put it. So it's funny, there's these moments in life now where I realize I worked in a toxic environment for 14 years and it became normal the company would not invest in the company. So constantly I was having to be resourceful and efficient and find ways to do double duty. It was really hard, right? However, that nightmare of a job taught me I can do so so much in a day. It's mind blowing. It truly blows my mind. And thank God I write down actually what I do every day. I always make lists. I always have a to do list for the day and for the week, you know, and then obviously bigger picture goals on another piece of paper. But I look at my calendar and my plan so I can check things off in regards to what I've accomplished, what I have coming. And sometimes I literally forget earlier in the day what I did because I do so many things. So people ask me a lot about multitasking and it's just about putting your focus and attention where you need it in the moment. So let me give you an example of what happened today. It's crazy. I have to go beyond today though. I have to back it up and tell you about the whole week too. But today is just really top of mind. So last night I'm home and I was doing a load of laundry and I went to transfer it over into the dryer and the towels that were in there weighed like 100 pounds. And I thought, something's not right here. So I tried to put the cycle back on, rinse again. Maybe something just glitched. Nope, my washing machine is broken. It's getting rid of the water. However, it's not spinning enough such that the clothes are drying enough to be moved to the dryer. So I started googling, you know, warranties. And when did I buy this thing? And it was five years ago. And I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. I have a broken washing machine. I swear to God, everything in my house has been breaking since coronavirus hit my dishwasher. My shit shade. I mean, I've had so many first world problems. Okay, again, not the end of the world, but it was frustrating. So last night I'm sitting on the couch and I just start crying. My son's like, mom, please don't cry about a broken washing machine. Maybe it was crying about the vice presidential debate too. I don't know. No, but I really was so frustrated. Just that level of frustration that yet again, one more thing. When I'm so freaking busy right now, how am I going to deal with this? And I went to bed. I woke up really early this morning because today was the second in school day my son has had the opportunity to experience since coronavirus. So it takes me two hours drive time to get him to school and get back home. And I had a super busy day today. So we left the house really early. Must have been before 7am it was very early and he was great. Got him to school. I got home and. And I said, you know what? Forget this. I'm just buying another washer and dryer and I need it delivered immediately. I'm not dealing with calling in people to fix it or calling warranty. I'm just. I'm over it. I need a solution right now. That's why I was so frustrated last night was just thinking about scheduling. And I live in a building and you have to schedule everything and. No, forget this. Next week, I am doing a keynote for two major virtual events with thousands of people attending. I just got my topic for one of them. I haven't been given the topic for the other. AKA that means I need to now write the actual talks and practice them. I just got my time in regards to what time I'm speaking. I didn't even know how long I was speaking for. So I'm just getting this information together. Yesterday, I have so much to do. I have a Harper Collins sent me a questionnaire I have to have. My deadline for that is tomorrow. My book deadline is the last day of November. So I'm, you know, within this window where so many things are due. And I don't have everything done. And I have just my regular things I have to do, like my podcast. Well, I get to do my podcast. I love to do my podcast. I was going as a guest on another show. I was interviewing two different people for my show. This week I had someone flying in to meet me. This week I had so many things going on. I'd been asked to join a board call for this company that I'm being put on the board of directors for. I had so much going on, it was crazy. Crazy. So I got everything written down in this paper. I get home this morning, I'm like, You know what? F this pulling the trigger, just buying a new one. It's fastest, most efficient, will take the least amount of time out of my day. Boom. Get it done. So I go online, I get it done, I book it. The soonest they can be here is Monday. Great. Done. So then I remember I need to shoot an email to my building to let them know because they have to reserve like the freight elevator or whatever. So I sent an email to the guy at the office of my condo and I just said, hey, wanted to let you know I've got a situation where I have a broken washer and dryer right now. Just happened. I was able to get someone to get here on Monday to deliver. Just wanted to give you the heads up for the elevator. Appreciate you helping me take care of this as this is a nightmare. He responds back to me, hey Heather, I'm glad to hear you're well. However, Monday is a holiday and we are not allowing any deliveries to the building on Monday. Happy to accommodate you for Tuesday or beyond. Well, Wednesday and Thursday. Next week I have my two keynotes. Thursday I have a meeting with the founder of the company that's putting me on the board of directors as well as so many other things going on, there's no way I'm trying to. Tuesday, I'm doing the testing for the platform for the keynotes. They're having me with a tech team set up. I mean, there's so many things going on. Plus I have my son, plus I have my son school, plus I have my son has chiro appointments. I don't even know. There's so many things going on for next week. So there's zero chance I'm moving this delivery date, right? And P.S. when you finally get a date and you do it online, how do you even change that? You can't. How am I going to get back into Best Buy and tell them I need another day? I'm not. So I took a deep breath and I responded. No, first thing I did was I called him in his office and this is probably 9:00am this morning. I call him in his office, he doesn't take my call. So he's avoiding me, clearly. So, I mean, I've lived here 15 years. These people know me very well. They knew I was not going to accept that. So I respond to his email. I said, hey, just tried to call you. Listen, here's the thing. I am beyond overwhelmed right now. Monday is really the only day that's going to work for me. And I know there is some way that you can pull this off for me. How about this? How about I take it up the regular elevator? If the freight elevator is not going to be on, I will ensure nothing gets damaged. I will cover it. I will take full responsibility. I have lived here for 15 years, as you know. You can trust me. I will take care of it. I'm sure you can make an exception. This one time. I was shaking. I was so pissed because I really could not fathom changing to another day. Monday's really the only day that I know I can handle taking a delivery, you know, for gosh only knows how. If it's going to be like a couple hours, I don't even know how that works. So he responds back, heather, I just had a great idea. Given that it's COVID 19, we cannot allow owners in our building to go without a washer and dryer. That would lead to germs and potentially perpetuating COVID 19. We are making a COVID 19 exception this time. And we will turn the freight elevator on for Heather Monahan's delivery. And I was so happy. And it was just, you know, it reminds me that so often we. We just take no without going back, right? And there was zero chance in my mind I was gonna let this guy say no to me. Zero. It wasn't going to happen. It didn't matter. And if he had responded back to the email, I wish I could help. However, I can't. I would have left my condo, gone downstairs to the office and knocked on his door because he was avoiding me on the phone. He didn't wanna talk to me. Because when people know that you're gonna pressure them to do something that gives them more work or makes them do something that they really didn't wanna have to pull the strings for, deal with, they're just gonna try to avoid you. So anyway, there was no chance that washer and dryer wasn't getting delivered. And now it is. Okay. So to make the day crazier, so that happens, then I had to get ready. I was going on an Instagram live with my friend David Meltzer, who I love. Such a nice guy friend. He's been on my podcast. I've been on his podcast. He's out Orange county in California, and he loves to do lives. And I had promised to do this right then. So I'm about to get ready to go on the live and then I have to leave and go. I had a guest for the show had flown in, and so I was leaving to meet him at the recording studio to do, to do my podcast. Then I had to make it back to my house to do a one on one coaching client on Zoom. And then right after that I had to join the board call, investor call for this company that is putting me on the board directors. And then after that I have to pick my son up from school. So I get a phone call and it's school. And I had just dropped my son off at school only an hour earlier. And it's the nurse and she says, your son has a fever. 100.4. Now I understand that in this situation and strange environment that we're in, people need to be incredibly cautious. I get it. However, this really was ridiculous. So I was going to have to drive two more hours and now my, I was gonna have to cancel, you know, I was gonna have to cancel the Instagram live, I was gonna have to cancel on the podcast recording. I had booked out a studio. I mean this was really gonna be a major glitch. So I said, oh no, this is not happening right now. And I called my ex husband and I said, you need to go pick up our son and he's sick and just, you can drop him back off here. I'm home, but I can't go for two hours right now. I just went for two hours. I already drove for two hours. And by some act of God he was able to find a way to get out there and get him and get my son home. Hoping so much. We're doing a COVID test for my son tomorrow. Hoping so much. He's fine. I think he is, he feels fine. I think he's just tired and you know, first week going back, he's getting, he's not getting as much sleep and I think he's just run down. But you know, understood that we have to be incredibly cautious right now. So we are playing it cautious and he is home. So earlier, as I mentioned earlier the week, I found out what the topic is for my talk. So that's great. So all weekend, this weekend I'll be staying in, working on my book and working on, on my talk for Wednesday, still waiting to find out what my topic is for my speech on Thursday, which is so crazy. But I go back to the insanity that prepped me for the way that I manage things is I just focus on what's immediately in front of me because that way you don't get too stressed out about everything else to come and things that don't matter as much. I kind of let fall by the way side I'm sure, that drives some people crazy. It definitely drives a woman crazy who's managing my podcast and my social media because it's frustrating when you're a really organized person that, you know, maps out everything perfectly. I'm not like that. Because, listen, crisis is going to come. Dishwashers will break, washing machines will break, kids will get sick, and there's going to be all kinds of curveballs coming at you. And it's about just putting your focus on that next thing that you need to achieve. Calling and asking for help when you need it, pushing back when people tell you no, when you know that there is a way and a way can be found, and figuring out and focusing on how to find that way. So this has been one heck of a whirlwind week where I really have to just go back to my notes to see how much I got done this week because I can't even believe it. But I am excited it is coming to an end and excited to have the weekend here to be able to catch up on a lot of things. Hoping that you are having a great week and hoping that you are gonna love my guest. I really think you are. Hang tight. I'll be right back.

Meet a different guest each week. Hi and welcome back. I'm so excited for you to meet Alexandra Carter. She's the director of the mediation clinic at Columbia Law School.

Hello.

Where she is also an award winning professor and world renowned negotiation trainer for the United Nations. She also serves as executive director of Stand Up Girls. Helping tween girls develop relationships for greater self esteem and resilience. That's my kind of people. She's appeared on CBS this Morning, MSNBC's live weekend and Hardball Marketplace in the New York Times and she is on the Wall Street Journal bestsellers list. Which is unheard of, correct?

Yeah. And believe it or not, this is the first negotiation book solo authored by a woman to make that list.

That is unbelievable. However, so many people probably look at you from the outside Columbia, United nations and think this was obviously you were gonna be number one. But it wasn't that easy, was it?

None of it's been easy. In fact, Heather, people look at me and my resume before I walk in the room and they assume that I was born with tremendous amounts of confidence, that I was born asking for more. And I was born to write a number one bestseller. The truth is that up until recently, I was so much better at negotiating for other people or coaching for other people and I hesitated to use those same tools on myself. And so everywhere I've gotten. I've gotten through hard work. And so some of the hard work has been on my own confidence. So I want people to know, no matter what your resume looks like, you too, can develop that confidence and be a terrific negotiator.

I'm so happy that you shared that, because I am right there with you. Nothing. I feel like nothing that I do is easy. Granted, there are times where you pick up momentum and things start clicking and it feels good for a window. But then all of a sudden, you hear your Amazon sales might not count towards your book the first week it comes out, which, P.S. guys, that's the most important. And anyone who's publishing a book knows that you've got to drive Amazon sales. What happened?

Okay. Right. So I want to take you back to March 2, 2020. I'm having a gorgeous lunch in midtown Manhattan with my literary agents, and they look ahead to my calendar of events and all of the clients I have lined up for these events and all of the books that are going to be sold, and they are like, alex, you're killing it. The book's going to do great. You've worked so hard. We've never seen anybody work so hard. I'm book's gonna do amazing. And then, Heather, for the next 10 days, I watched in horror as all of those evaporated. Every single event canceled. And initially, all of the sales were going to cancel with it. And so when I tell you, I, yes, curled up in a ball on my carpet for a limited period of time. And then I thought, I've done this before. I can do it again. Not a pandemic, not a book. But I faced adversity before. And There was about 80% of me that thought, God, no. But 20% of me that thought, alex, you do your best work when your back is against the wall, so go out and do it. And I called every one of those events, and I used the tools that are in ask for more to get those events back virtually. And almost all of my clients stayed with me, all of those sales. And so we went in loaded to week one. So my publication day arrives. It's May 5, 2020. I've waited for this my entire life. And I wake up in the morning and I have about an hour of joy where I think, this is amazing. My dream came true. It's happening even in the pandemic. And then, Heather, I got two phone calls. I'm going to get choked up. The first phone call was to tell me that my father, who was already in Hospice, dying of a brain disease, had contracted Covid. And they thought he had about 24 hours. 45 minutes later, I got another phone call from my publisher saying, oh, God, we're so sorry. It was a once in a lifetime supply chain error. Amazon had none of my books in stock. 75% of my sales that I'd lined up were through Amazon, and none of them, we're going to count for week one. And so that was the moment that I really thought all of this work was it for nothing. But it wasn't. I ended up leaning into exactly the things, the tools that I had used before, and it wasn't pretty. I cried every day all over my social media. But we got through it and the book went on to be a bestseller anyway. It was just unbelievable.

That is such. And your father's doing well.

That is the other thing. Okay, so every day we were talking offline about this. Every day at 4pm his hospice facility would call. And every day, Heather, at 4pm I was waiting for that call, and that call never came. Every day he looked okay, and they said, well, he's made it another day. And he ended up recovering, testing negative. So it got out of his system. And in June, I went up to see him for Father's Day and we had a socially distanced lunch outdoors. One of the best days of my entire life.

Oh, my.

This is unbelievable. It just goes to show, you never know what's gonna happen. You just can't bank on even the facts that are right in front of you. Right. You had a phone call from a doctor telling you he had 24 hours to live and, and fast forward. Luckily, your father was able to beat Covid. You just. You were told your book sales weren't going to count towards your book, which meant in, you know, plain, factual vision that your book would not be a bestseller. Your book still became a bestseller. It's unbelievable how this has turned out for you. I'm so happy to hear it. And I want you to know, when I was right there with you with speaking engagements, you know, everything canceling. However, I was not able to transition mine initially to virtual. I ended up getting virtual speaking engagements a couple of months in. What tactics did you deploy around taking those? Sorry, no, we're not going to do these events to. Yes, Alex, we'll go ahead and do a virtual event.

Yeah, absolutely. So I would say the two things are. And this is different for every person, but a lot of my clients were long term clients. And so I built a relationship of trust where we Knew each other for years. And so some of them, when I called up and I said, okay, here's what I need. I need you to stay with me and do a virtual event and tell me what you need from your end to make this happen. Some of them we got back that way. Others just said, no, we're not going to do a virtual event. And so, Heather, I pulled out Chapter 8 of Ask for More. So it's about asking questions as a way to negotiate. That's what Ask for More is. And I asked my most powerful question for turning no to yes. People said, no, we're not going to do a virtual event. And I asked, what are your concerns? That's it. And I listened. And one by one, people said things like, well, we've never done one before, to be honest, and we're not sure how to work the platform. And I said, well, if that's the hang up, would it make a difference if my team did it? Actually, yes, that would be great. Okay, thanks. The next person said, well, we're not sure if our employees want one. And I said, how might you find that out? And they said, well, I suppose we could do a survey. And I said, great, let me know. The employees wanted the event, so we did it. So over and over again, I found simply by asking one question, what are your concerns? I turned a no into a yes. But it wasn't like I forced people's hand, Heather. People ended up seeing real value in it. And at the end of the day, they called me and said, I'm so glad we did the event.

It's that time of year again. Everyone knows that the holidays can become overwhelming quickly, so the sooner that you get things done, the better. For both shoppers and businesses, the best time to score great deals during the holidays is Black Friday Cyber Monday weekend. Whether you're an established business or someone who is going to experience their first Black Friday Cyber Monday this year, you know that the most important thing you need is a platform that can handle everything that's about to be thrown at you. You don't want to find out that your inventory's off as orders keep coming in, or that your point of sale system cannot keep up with the requests, many from new customers who are buying your products for the first time. You need to make sure that your tools and platform are ready for anything that comes your way during the busiest weekend of the year. And that's why you need Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. And 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names to entrepreneurs who will be particip participating in their first Black Friday Cyber Monday this year, including your girl right here. With creating confidence in everything that we put through Shopify, the one platform that manages it all, you don't have time to spend hours pouring over every little detail. Me neither. Shopify has thousands of templates and tools to help streamline website creation, making sure that your site isn't just aesthetically pleasing but functional at the same time. Accelerate your content creation. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product description pages, headlines and even enhance your product photography to help increase your reach during the busiest time of year. You can also stress less knowing that Shopify's award winning customer support teams on standby 24. 7 to help with any issues that arise, allowing you to get back to business as fast as possible this Black Friday. Join the thousands of new entrepreneurs hearing for the first time with Shopify. Sign up for your free trial today@shopify.com monahan that's shopify.commonahan go to shopify.com monahan and make this black Friday one to remember if you're like me, you're always looking for ways to feel stronger in your workouts, recover faster from working out, have more energy during your day and preserve your health, mobility and strength as we get older and Might appear. Timeline is giving me that life and it's happening right now and I want it to happen for you too. This supplement really can help you because it supports your health at the foundation by encouraging cellular renewal. Mitopure is a precise dose of the rare postbiotic Urolithin. It works by promoting an essential cellular cleanup process that clears out dysfunctional mitochondria, AKA your cell's battery packs. Might Appear is the only Urolithin, a supplement on the market clinically proven to target the effects of age related cellular decline.

Hello.

With regular use you are going to see and feel the difference in the form of improved energy levels, better workouts, faster recovery, more endurance, all of which are helping you achieve your New Year's goals and making you feel your best. PS Might appear as shown to deliver double digit increases in muscle strength endurance without a change in exercise for the win. Cellular health is a foundation of well being and longevity. Mito Pure recharges your cells, supporting any goals by helping all of your system work better. I'm excited to share that you can now get 20% off your first timeline purchase. There's never been a better time to experience the benefits of might Appear use my code confidence at checkout. To receive 20% off today, go to timeline.com confidence. That's T I M E L I N E.com confidence.

It's so simplistic. When I think of negotiation, I think of more at a war table or a car dealer, like we were discussing earlier or off air, you know, really intense, traditional type of negotiation settings. However, what I really like about what you're doing is your approach to negotiation is in a very different way that can be taken on by people who might be intimidated by those more traditional approaches. And I know in your materials you talk about it's something that someone who might see themselves as more quiet or more timid, which I'm not quiet or timid. However, when I was reading about your book and about you, there was plenty of times in my career that I knew I deserved more. I would pitch myself for chief Revenue officer, and I'd be told no, and I'd go back and be upset and angry and frustrated and sad and then let it go and just go back to work. Heather, you know, I really wouldn't stand up and get the results in the window of time for the job that I was doing that I deserved and I warranted, I'd end up kind of walking away. For me, it took years to gain that confidence, years to have that experience and expertise, years of people telling me, gosh, you should be getting paid more. You should be in a higher level, till I finally pushed hard enough to get it done. What do you say to those people, those younger versions of me that are just kind of afraid to push too far?

Yeah, absolutely. So the first thing I would say is that negotiation is not what you think it is. It is not the transactional back and forth over money. It's so much more than the money conversations. And this, Heather, goes back to, you know, we think, like, how do we think about negotiation? I was in Hawaii on my honeymoon, okay, with my husband in a kayak on the Wailua River. And a guide up ahead of us turned back and said, please negotiate your kayaks to the left so we can hit that beach over there. And that was the moment I realized, you know, when I'm negotiating a kayak toward a beach, that seems simple, what am I doing? I'm steering. And so the first thing I want your audience to know is that negotiation is just any conversation where you are steering a relationship. And if you struggle with confidence, if you struggle to value yourself appropriately, it means that you've neglected the most important relationship to negotiate in your life, which is the one you have with yourself. Negotiation does not start the moment you call somebody about that CMO position. It starts at home with us. And so when we negotiate that internal conversation and the way you do it is by asking yourself questions. If you know the right questions to ask yourself, you're going to have that clarity and confidence you need when you go into the room or get on the zoom with somebody else. That's the lesson I wish I had known when I was younger. And it's the number one reason that I, too, would give up or sell myself short.

You're so right. And it took me, gosh, till I was in my early 40s to start figuring that out. And then once you're aware, you can start accessing information like your book, to address what those issues are for those people. What are the questions that you want them to ask themselves?

Yeah, can I start with one question that the title of this podcast is Creating Confidence. I'd like to give your listeners one question that they should be asking starting immediately. For every negotiation they have, I want you to sit down with yourself and ask yourself this question. How have I handled this successfully in the past? The way to create confidence is to remember confidence, to access confidence. Do you know research shows that if you go into a negotiation having thought about a prior success, you're more likely to perform better. So simply asking this question is going to help you. But the thing is, it does more because it's a data generator. It helps you remember your strengths, your strategies that have worked for you in the past and most often are transferable. And you could use here. And here's the question that people are thinking right now, Heather, they're driving or they're cleaning their house, and they're thinking, Alex, that's great, but what if I'm trying to do something I've never done before? Let's take an example, like marketing a book during a pandemic. Okay, so we'll take that example, and let's assume this person has never published a book before and certainly not in a pandemic. This is me. So mid March 2020.

I just want to make that clear that everyone knows that. Alex, you had not published a book before. This was your first book ever, and it all of a sudden happened in a pandemic. Okay.

And it happened in a pandemic. Okay, so mid March. I'm saying to myself, okay, I've never done this before, but what do I need to do here to be successful? Let me break this down into its Component parts. And I thought, okay, I need to communicate my message to a large number of people. I need to bring them on board for this message and recruit them to my team so that they too will spread the message to other people. Because I knew I wasn't gonna or much media, right. And I wasn't going to be able to go out on tour. So what I had was a network. And I thought, okay, when have I needed to marshal a lot of people like this before? And I remembered that I ran my husband's campaign for local office five years ago. And I did it by looking at a map of our town and there were 21 districts. And I looked at that and I thought, you know, I know a mom in about 18 of those districts. And I invited those moms to my house and I served them wine and dinner and I said, each of you is my captain for this district and you're gonna help me go out and get the word and set up play dates for parents to come and meet. My husband and Heather, we blew out a 20 year incumbent 2 to 1 running off the line. And so I thought, okay, I need a bunch of captains. And so I reached out to everybody I knew who lived all over the country. I made people captains for different c and I created a 650 person launch team to go out and be ambassadors for this book. I don't have a huge social media following. You know, I'm just a professor. There are lots of professors who write books. But I'm great at leveraging my strong relationships. I did it before and I did it again for this.

And that's really so much of what you talk about is about is in the art of leveraging relationships. The art of deepening relationships, Whether it be with yourself or with these people in your personal life or people at work or people that you have toxic relationships with, it's all about, how can you deepen that relationship? How do you suggest people do that?

Yeah. So one of the ways, if we're talking about deepening your relationship with yourself, I tell you to ask yourself the right questions. So there are five of them in that first section of Ask for More. It's called the mirror. And those are the questions you ask yourself. One of the key ones is how have I handled this successfully in the past? Then we move on to five great questions that you can ask somebody else. And the first question in that section, it's two magic words that people should be using first on every occasion. I don't care if it's with your kid. Your spouse, colleagues, or it's a deal you're trying to land. And the two words are tell me. You know, so often, Heather, we ask really small questions in our day to day life. I might ask my daughter, did you have a good day at school? Right. I might go into a client meeting and say, can I show you my pitch deck? Those are yes or no questions. Or Heather, I could call somebody and say, would you like a digital event? Right. If I call somebody and say that, would you like a digital event with me? That's a yes, no question. And what is the easiest answer for them to give?

No. No.

Especially during a pandemic, right. When their kids are crawling all over them on the conference call. Instead, imagine that I call up and I say, heather, tell me what your company's going through right now. Tell me your biggest needs for the next six months and beyond. That is an incredible opener. The secret is tell me is not a question really, it's a command. But it reads as a sincere opener to a conversation and it gets people to really open up. Even with my daughter, I find that when I ask her a question starting with tell me, I get so much more information. The fact is, do you know that studies show 93% of people are not asking the right questions to get the most out of their deals, including money? And the best question you can ask to start off and be in that 7% is tell me.

First of all, I feel like you're a psychologist. I was a psych major and spent so many years in with psychologists myself. And that's all they say to you is tell me more about that. You know, tell me. They want to gain this understanding of where you're reasoning and where your pain points are. And you're completely right. However, I never applied it to business in that regard. And so smart. So thank you for shining a light on that. You know, when you're asking people to tell, and I call that like emptying your cup, you know, you want whoever you're. And I think of it this way, at work, I want them to empty their entire class in front of me so that I see all the pieces and then I can help to organize things to get the end result that I'm looking for. So say you're wanting to pitch yourself for advancement in a pandemic. You want to pitch yourself for a raise in a pandemic, now's the time. Q4, right as we're setting up for 2021, you're suggesting that you jump on the zoom with your boss and you say, tell me how things are going for you right now in the company.

Yeah. So you can modify it for different situations. I mean, I always advocate, especially in this climate, you want to give people some notice of what you are talking to them about.

Right.

So if you're my boss, Heather, I'm going to shoot you an email and say, heather, I would love the chance to get on a call and talk to you about my future at the company. I've loved working here. I feel like the last year has been wonderful. Let me know some times that might work for you. Right. And so you could specifically name. Right. That you're interested in advancement. Right. Or discussing your compensation. I talked somebody through exactly this process a month ago. So she got on her boss's calendar. She then in the interim did a ton of research, not just on the market, but also research on herself. She figured out. She asked herself a key question, what do I need here? And it wasn't just what I called the tangibles that she wrote down. I need X amount of money. I need a certain amount of equity or other benefits. She also wrote down what I called the intangibles. I need recognition for what I have done for the company. I need to feel advancement in terms of the amount that I am earning. And then she asked herself, what do those look like for me? So in the end, she ends it up with a number or a range that she knew she was going to feel great about. And that was backed up. And so she went into the meeting and she said, so I'm here today, as you know, to talk about compensation. The last year has been incredible. Tell me your view of how things have gone this last year with my performance.

Right.

And she knew in this case, she had rocked it. She had crushed her numbers. And the boss said, you've been indispensable. You have been the biggest driver of our revenue. And she said, thank you. I see that too.

And.

And so I'm here today to talk about a salary that lines up with that accomplishment. It's about really framing it. And I recommend, Heather, a couple of things that people do when they are framing it for their boss. So the first thing is I would keep it positive rather than negative. Instead of saying, this doesn't work for me, I would go in and say, here is everything I have contributed and here is the salary that matches that. Right. So I like that. The second is, in addition to being positive, did you notice that I used and I prefer and to using, but. Right. I'm really happy here. But I need a larger salary. You know, the word but creates a negative impression. It helps people focus on, you know, the unhappy part of what you're saying rather than the positive part. So instead I like people to say, Heather, I, you know, I've really enjoyed my time here and I think the salary is the piece that's really going to complete, you know, my sense of recognition and set us up for the year to come. The last thing that I tell people to do when they are making the salary, ask. This is magic. It's a formula. It's called the I We, here's what I'm requesting and here's how we all benefit, right? So I've created tremendous results this past year, Heather. Here is the salary that matches those. And when I'm appropriately compensated, I know that I'm going to go out and I'm going to sell like you have never seen before. I we.

Okay, so I want to follow up on a couple of things that you said. I love it. So I always relate back to my own experience, of course, you know, that's what I know. And so I'm thinking back to when I was pitching myself for a raise my last year as CRO. I wanted to, I deserved to be compensated much higher level than I was. And we had the conversation, it was agreed upon. Great performance. You know, I had all the factual data, I had all of the performance reviews. However, he would always say, well, you know, we're in a industry in decline and we're, you know, we're in a tough spot. I'm gonna have to get, I'm gonna have to get back. They just don't know where that money would come from. It was always some kind of a blow off. It was never about me not warranting it. It was about, oh, we can't find the money. To make a long story short, what I ended up finding out was he was no longer the ultimate decision maker. So the one thing power had changed behind the scenes. It hadn't been verbalized to the company yet. It ends up being verbalized. That's when I got fired. But what I want people to know is if you keep hitting a roadblock like that, it is important to look beyond that person and maybe the next conversation say, is there anybody else that needs to be included in this conversation that could help us find a way to make this work today?

Yes, I couldn't agree more. And one of the things I like to talk to people about is getting a no. Right. So what I like to say is that most of the time no is not about you. Right. So there are lots of different reasons why somebody might say no. They might not have all the information to understand who you are or what you are offering. It might be challenging timing, in which case then I would say, great, Bob, what is a time that we can follow up and have this conversation? And I would get the earliest possible date on the calendar. The other reason is you've asked the wrong person. So I like to, if I'm getting a no, say, help me understand what's holding this up. Talk to me about the challenge with getting the money. And then you know what I would do? I would sit there and I would shut up. Because when you ask a great question, like, tell me the holdup, help me understand the holdup in getting the money, and then you sit back and you allow there to be silence, maybe that person ends up coughing up the real reason that there is a problem, that there's an internal struggle or something's happening with the power dynamics, and it might leak out that perhaps that's not the person who's going to end up saying yes. Here's the other thing, Heather. I mean, you talked about a situation where you were qualified. You had everything going in there. You had the accomplishments, you had the research, and they still said no a few times. You know, the last reason that somebody can say no is they're not your best match, that you are meant for something different and better. And so I always advise people to persist because I see no as an opening offer. Right. And that is the way that, in fact, a lot of men see it. They don't take it as a referendum on their worth like we do. Right. Sometimes we hear no, and we think, maybe I'm not as accomplished as I thought I was. Maybe this means something about me.

No.

No is just an opening offer. But if you have all of that and you are still hitting a brick wall after multiple tries, that might be the universe knocking on your head to say, there's something out there, Heather, that is meant for you.

You're so right. But in those moments, it's so hard to know which option was it A, B, C or D? I reflect a lot back on difficult, big, you know, pivotal moments in my life. And that's one of them. And I knew there was a problem. I didn't know which one it was. And it's very scary in that unknown time to say, okay, maybe this isn't the right fit for me, which my instinct was telling me, but, holy cow, to make the leap out of this to go do what? I don't even know what I'm going to do. That sometimes makes you so scared you don't want to look at that option.

Yeah, right. Well, because that's kind of the unknown. You know, a lot of times we like to choose between known options. And if you don't know all the facts in a scenario, and let's face it, even if we're in corporate, we frequently don't. Right. Just the way you were really well connected, but you didn't know that there were some internal struggles happening at the very top. Right. You know, the thing is, in an uncertain world where you can't know all the facts externally, how do you feel confident? I have to be certain in what I do know, which is myself and what I have to offer and what I stand for. So in an uncertain world, I'm certain of myself. And I know that wherever I am, I'm going to bring those qualities that make me successful, successful, that help me form relationships and that helped me get to the next step and where I want to be. So then my work is to go internal and really get deep on what it is I need and where it is that I want to grow. Because wherever that is, my values and my talents and what I have to offer is going to be right there with me.

This is so crazy. I submitted 10 different keynotes for this event that I'm doing next week, and they came back to me yesterday and said, heather, we're going to go ahead and choose how to find certainty in uncertain times. So just what you were talking about right now is exactly what I'm doing my entire presentation on next week. And it's such a great point that you bring up because even in corporate America, you think it's well lit, you think you can see everything. You think you know the next move. You don't know if the company is being sold behind those closed doors right now. And in 30 days you're going to have a new executive team that has zero relationship with you. There are so many elements that we can't predict that it's funny and I mean, I'll raise my hand and say I was caught up in the uncertainty with the pandemic. You know, I had my days of nervous breakdowns and freaking out just like everyone else. However, the longer that this has played out, it does remind you that, wow, there's been so many uncertain times in my life. And like you said, I mean, this is a pandemic.

It's different, but it's just other Uncertainty.

That, you know, we have gotten through successfully before, which indicates we will get through this successfully as well.

Yeah, that's exactly right. And it might not even be in business. You know, a lot of us have been through uncertainty, maybe in our personal lives. You know, I know that when I was pregnant, this is quite a personal story, but we had a lot of uncertainty about whether our daughter would be able to be born alive. She was, and she's really healthy. But I had a couple of months where I thought this might be the worst uncertainty I've ever lived through. And the thing that got me through there was the same thing that's gotten me through the pandemic. It's the last question in the mirror section. And it's just, what's the first step? Sometimes when things are so out of your control, when there's so little that you can grasp for you have an ill parent, your Amazon sales are not there, and you're concerned about your own family and your health. If you just pick one step a day and do that, you're going to find a bit of peace in the midst of the uncontrollable. But people also greatly underestimate how one step a day can build up. You know, I think it's said that we overestimate what we can do in a week, but we greatly underestimate what we can do in a year if we just do one thing a day. So sometimes that's it.

Right.

It's just focusing on that one thing to get you through those tremendous times of uncertainty.

So I believe so much in baby steps and tracking them, writing them down. And I have a planner where I map out what are the action steps I'm taking today. Because when you really hold yourself accountable to that, you'll see momentum will build, and then that's how you really can take off.

Yeah, you're more likely. You know that, Right. If you write stuff down, you're more likely to achieve those goals. So that is, people should absolutely be taking a cue from you there.

One of the things that I told you, I had a client who heard you on a different show and was freaking out messaging me while she was listening to this. Because your book and your talk really affected her profoundly. One of her challenges has been she felt selfish if she asked for more. So, for example, if someone called her to make an offer to hire her for something and it was a very low dollar value, she'd say, you know, I guess I should just take it. It's what they're offering. I need the business. But she would feel like she was just being too full of herself and too selfish to go back and ask for more. How do you coach people to change that?

I'm so glad you asked this question. This is my favorite. Okay, I want to say two things to you. Client out there and a lot of people out there who think this way. The first is know that when you negotiate for yourself, especially with a company, you are teaching that company what kind of negotiator you will be on their behalf. So you should always try to negotiate. Okay. The second thing, and the most powerful thing I'm going to tell you today, I want to tell you the story of the title of my book, and it comes, in fact, from my first salary negotiation. So I was actually in my early 30s by the time I first had to negotiate salary, walk in in my power suit, and I had a range in mind. And Heather, they came in slightly above. So I had just enough on the ball to keep my face neutral and say, thank you so much. I'm going to run my numbers and I'll come back to you. So I left the office and I called a senior woman in the field, and I said, what do I do? It was a good offer. Should I just take it? And she said, I'm going to tell you what to do after, Alex. You're going to go back in there and you're going to ask for more. And I said, I'm going to ask for more. And she said, yes, because when you teach someone how to value you, you teach him how to value all of us. So if you're not going to go in and ask for more for yourself, I want you to do it for the woman who's coming after you. Do it for the sisterhood. And that was the moment I realized it was like somebody knocking on my head that asking for more is not selfish. It is, in fact, an act of service. It creates more seats around the table for the people who are coming after you. And so I would ask you to look to who out there is thinking of you as an inspiration, who is watching you to see what's possible in their life, who could benefit from you standing up for your worth and your expertise. You know, ask for more is a negotiation method that can work for anybody. But it is also the personal story of a woman, me, who decided that she wasn't going to wait anymore to stand in her value and make her dreams for her life come true. And so if you out there at home are listening to this and you're finding value in this podcast. I want you to know that the only reason we are talking to each other is that I decided to stand up and claim what I was worth to get out there in the public sphere and say yes, I'm an expert and women too can write business books. When you ask for more, that is what you do. You show other people what is possible and you create more opportunities to serve.

When you want more. Start your business with Northwest Registered Agent.

And get access to the thousands of.

Free guides, tools and legal forms to help you launch and protect your business all in one place. Build your complete business identity with Northwest today. Northwest Registered Agent has been helping small business owners and entrepreneurs launch and grow businesses for nearly 30 years. They are the largest registered agent and LLC service in the US with over 1500 corporate guides. Real people who know your local laws and can help you in your business every step of the way. Build your business identity fast with Northwest Registered Agent and get access to thousands of free resources, forms and step by step guides without even creating an account. Sign up for a free account to begin managing your business hub with lawyer, drafted operating agreements, bylaws, resolutions, membership certificates, bills of sale and more. All at no cost. Northwest is your one stop business resource. Learn how to build a professional website, what annual filings your business needs to stay in good standing and simple explanations of complicated business laws. Don't wait. Protect your privacy, build your brand and get your complete business Identity in just 10 clicks and 10 minutes. Visit www.northwestregisteredagent.com confidence free and start building something amazing. Get more with Northwest registered agent@www.northwestregisteredagent.com confidence free. As the air turns crisp and the holidays draw near, comfort becomes the best gift of all. Quince delivers layers that last, sweaters, outerwear and everyday essentials that feel luxurious, look timeless and make holiday dressing and gifting effortless. Quince has it all. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters made for everyday wear, denim that never goes out of style, silk tops and skirts that add polish and outerwear. Built to take on the season. Perfect for gifting or upgrading your own wardrobe. Honestly, Quint's Italian wool coats are at the top of my list. The cuts feel designer and the quality rivals high end brands, but without the high end markup. By working directly with ethical top tier factories, Quince skips the middleman and offers prices 50% less than similar brands. I mean if you want to look like you are wearing the highest end clothing out there without those huge price tags, Quince is the answer. Literally there's something for every single person on your list. The Mongolian cashmere sweater is the softest sweater I have and it is my go to every day. If you want to elevate your look without paying more, Quince is the answer. Step into the holiday season with layers made to feel good, look polished and last. From Quint, perfect for gifting or keeping for yourself. Go to quince.com confidence for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com confidence to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com confidence that's so good.

That's so powerful. And you know what's so funny is my client actually has a daughter. So when you were explaining that you're really, you know, you're working at raising the bar for the woman coming behind you, I'm sure for her that she's just going to think of her daughter immediately and that's work that she needs to constantly ask for more to ensure that her daughter has the that bar raised for her. So thank you so much for explaining that. I know you talk about a couple of things that can really blow a negotiation. Can you dive into a little bit.

About what those two things are?

Yeah. So these are emotions, right? And by the way, you know, in the chapter of the book where I talk about feelings, I call it the F word because a lot of people really don't want to deal with feelings in negotiation. They think feelings just get in the way. And I shouldn't be, you know, spending time understanding them. And the opposite is true. There are two feelings that people often have in negotiation and those blow up deals like no other. They blow up deals because we try to push them down, we don't admit them, and so they boomerang back on us in the form of anger or heat when we get in the moment with somebody else. Those two emotions are fear and guilt. People so often are neglected negotiating out of fear. So if you're looking at somebody else in negotiation and you're getting a lot of hate, a lot of resistance from them, a good question to ask yourself is, what is that person afraid of? What's making them fearful? The second thing is guilt. Very often people feel like they should be doing more or they should be more. And so you might ask yourself, what is that person feeling guilty about? You know, think about Heather, a situation where you're giving somebody feedback and they get super defensive and angry with you. What Are they really feeling, number one, fear? What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to my job? And second, guilt. What could I have done more? What could I have done better? And the truth is, Heather, that when I feel closest to losing it, when I feel closest to anger or heat or frustration, most of the time it's because I too am feeling those two emotions. I call them the big two. I'm feeling fear. And I'll give a personal example. I do. In the book, I talk about a family negotiation with my uncle, my dad's brother, beloved man. He's like a second father to me. But when my dad was getting sick, he asked me an innocent question about his medication. And I was helping to run my dad's health care with my brothers and my stepmoms, and I exploded on him. Why? Because I was feeling so much fear, Heather. I thought, I know I'm a grown woman, but I still feel like a little kid. You know, am I really okay to be handling my dad's health care along with my brothers? Like, can I do this? And I was also feeling guilt. I should be doing more to help my stepmom. I should be doing more to help my dad. I should have figured something else out to help save him. And when you feel those fear and guilt, that is when you are most likely, in my personal experience, to act out of accordance with your values and get really angry. It's when you take some time to ask yourself, what am I feeling over this situation before you react that then you calm those emotions down. You can look. And I would look at that piece of paper and say, I don't need to feel guilty for my dad. There's nothing I could have done.

And.

And of course I'm feeling fear because this is a challenging situation, but I'm going to get through it. And then you're much less likely to end up with that blowout, really challenging conversation on the other end.

I've always said to people, there is no crying in baseball. There is no room for emotion at work. That was something I learned in my early 20s. You know, when someone's getting red hot in a meeting, you've lost all control and you're letting someone else else control you. You're not going to think rationally. I mean, those are without doubt. And I've seen it happen so many times in business where people lose their cool and they lose the deal, the job. I mean, they can lose everything.

Yeah, I mean, it's true, right? You know, if you end up really giving way to heavy duty emotion in a business setting, it can be really challenging for your career. So it's really worth it for you to spend a few minutes saying, okay, I'm going into this challenging conversation. What am I feeling about this again? When you take that look in the mirror, when you are asking yourself the questions you need before you get in that room, you're going to be in a much better place emotionally and tactically. But let me speak to the emotions piece, because as much as you don't want to be unloading them on other people, the other reason you should write down your emotions is they actually help you make decisions. It's not that emotions get in the way of your decision making. They help you make decisions. A neuroscientist, Antonio Damasio, actually studied people's brains, and they were people whose brains were totally intact, except for the part on the right that dealt with emotions. And there they had some damage. Do you know that those folks could talk through a potential decision all day, but they couldn't make the decision, not even as to what to eat for dinner. So when you write down your feelings about a situation, you might end up uncovering things like, I'm frustrated that I'm being undermined at work. You know, I'm angry because people don't recognize my achievements. Those are really important because those can be clues as to what you need to seek at the table in order to make those emotions subside. So it's tactical as well as emotionally smart to write those feelings down before you get in the room.

That's something that I've never done before, but I definitely think that that's worth exploring. I've tried to ignore it, I guess, or control it, but I think that makes a lot of sense, is to also, before you're in the situation, really explore it more to see if it.

Gives you some more answers.

Cause even around that one situation I.

Was talking about in corporate America, had.

I done that exercise right there, it was frustration, a feeling of being undermined, not being valued, being lied to. All these things that had I written those down on a piece of paper, it would have been very clear to me what I needed to do, which would have been to leave. That's a great exercise for anyone to take on before they go into a big meeting.

Yeah, I'm curious. I'd love to hear, if you try it, how it ends up working for you.

I'll try it. Listen, I'm a very emotional person. However, I disconnected from emotion in business, and I'm definitely gonna start trying this just as a test to see if it helps me make better decisions or better strategies before meetings. I really like the idea.

Yeah, it's great. Because, you know, Heather, if you write down negative emotions, that tells you what you need to negotiate for. All you need to do is flip it around, and that's your ask. So if you're feeling unappreciated, then that tells you you need recognition. If you're feeling stuck or stagnant, that tells you you need advancement. So your feelings are actually key to generating a list of deal terms that you're going to use when you go into that negotiation.

I've never heard that before, but I think it's so spot on. Thank you for sharing that with us, Alex. And tell us, how do people find you? How do they get the book? How do they get involved?

Sure. Well, you can buy the book at all online retailers, right? Because we're still not back in stores, but you can get it on Amazon has the book now, as well as bookshop.org, which is a wonderful place that supports local or indie bookstores. And so always looking for places to help people who've been hit by the pandemic. And I also would love it if people would come find me on my website, which is Alex Carter Ask. I have all sorts of free resources and I'm gonna be launching some courses next year. And I guess also people can find me on social media. I'm on Instagram, if you like kid pictures, and I'm on LinkedIn, and I'm very reluctantly on Twitter. I try not to spend much time there for my mental health.

Well, especially not right now with the political situation. It is overwhelming. And it's funny, I try to detach from certain shows and whatnot to keep away from negativity, but. But it's like you said, even just turning on a certain platform and you're bombarded with it. So I'm right there with you. Well, thank you so much for being here, Alex, and continued success.

Thank you so much. It was a pleasure. Anytime.

Hold tight.

We'll be right back.

I asked you to try to find your passion.

Okay, we're back.

And I have received a few different questions I wanted to share with you. Here we go. Hey, Heather. You must receive a thousand messages like this a day. But since I started following you, you've helped me in ways that I can't even start to. To describe. That's so sweet. Recently, I left my employer due to a hostile work situation and joined another Firm, which I'm so excited for. Now, my issue is dealing with the anxiety of the transition and the fact that they are retaliating against through work friendships and referral relationships. My question is, how do I best move forward, leaving all of those years behind? What tools can I implement for myself in order to now get discouraged by these actions? Okay, first of all, you need to detach from it. You did the best thing you could, which is fire your villains and get yourself out of there. That was absolutely the right answer and the only answer. How do you leave that behind? It's in the rear view, right? You cranking your neck around to look behind you forever isn't gonna work. These people are going to move on. You know what's funny is when I got fired, I thought, like, how can I.

This is my identity.

How can I detach from this? How I'll never be able to separate from this? And now here we are, three years later, and I never even think about those people. And it's also interesting to know that a lot of people you thought were your friends you discover really weren't.

Right?

They're either. They're not in touch with you anymore. They were only work friends. And, you know, it's sad at first, but you kind of chalk it up to also being glad to know. I'm happy now to know, wow, those people really didn't care about me then. I'm glad I'm not around them. So chalk it up and learn from it. What did you learn? That the next time you sense a toxic work environment, the next time you're on negative people, you fire those villains and you get yourself out of there. There's a better place for you. Learn something from it. And apply that learning to your life now. That's how you gain from that experience. That's how you put that experience to work from you. Don't make that same mistake again.

Right?

See things through a different lens. See things through. Ensuring you don't end up in a negative environment. And don't waste eight years of your life so that you have to look back and say, how do I recover from this? How do I leverage that experience to set me up for a better one now? And remember, you are teaching people how to treat you. You're starting somewhere with a fresh slate. Go in and respect your boundaries. Ask for what you want and ask for what you deserve. And teach people how to treat. Treat you from day one. And this is going to be a heck of a lot better experience. Leave those other ones in the dust okay. Hey, Heather, I just listened to the episode with Rory on brand building. I loved it. I'm a realtor, so it confuses me to think, how am I giving back? I mean, I support American Cancer Society and other local charities, but I'm in sales. You were in sales. So how do I translate my giving passions into hey, use me as your realtor? By the way, I'm finding one of my strengths is organizing events, so I'm giving back in my neighborhood through sponsoring events. I'm confused. I would appreciate your help and clarity. So in that episode with Rory from Brand Builders, we're talking about building personal brands, right? So when you're building a personal brand, that give back becomes part of a passion, whether you're teaching. Like for me, I'm on social media teaching about creating confidence within yourself and how to create back value within yourself and how to value yourself. And that is the give back. Right. But when you're creating a personal brand, a lot of times it's around that becomes the business. Whether you're being hired as an endorser or an influencer or a speaker to speak about these things, or you have a podcast that's getting sponsored so your, your give back is actually creating value as well, or you're being hired as a coach and a consultant, which I'm just, just began during COVID So all of those things are revenue creating opportunities, which is a bit different. I understand your question. You're a realtor, right? So you're going to work, you're representing a brand. Who knows, it's cool little banker, whoever it is, you're representing a brand. But what Rory's idea is that you're also going to create a personal brand. So what he's asking or suggesting you to do is to start having a presence on social, start showing up and being a guest on podcasts, start envisioning how can you add value. And, and maybe the way you do it is you're teaching younger realtors how to be better realtors, and maybe that's your personal brand and that's your value add. Yes. When I was in corporate America, I sat on the board of City Year Miami charity for almost a decade, and that's how I gave back. However, once I left corporate America, I didn't feel that need to have to join a charity full time because I gave back so much through my purpose driven work. It's hard to explain, but when you find what you're really meant to do and you're helping people and elevating people, but you're also getting paid for the value that you bring. That's called ikagi I K A G A I kagi. I hope I'm saying it right, but that's when everything comes together. Your purpose, your passion, your work, your value. You know, it's all unified in one. And that's the dream, right? I mean, I'm definitely, well, oh my gosh, you heard how my week is. I'm not living the dream right now. However, in theory, being able to get paid, do what you love and help people all over the world is a freaking amazing thing that I cry when I read notes from people. It's so inspiring for me and it's so motivating for me to hear how I'm able to impact people and how other people's stories through my podcast impact people. And it's amazing. You know, I don't know what your goal is. I don't know if your goal is to launch your own personal brand, but like I said, maybe it's that you're teaching and mentoring younger realtors and that's the good that you're putting out there. And then maybe you start coaching on it and then maybe you start speaking on it and then maybe you launch a podcast on it and those all become revenue driving opportunities while you're actually helping and elevating others. I don't know. That's for you to answer. But I think you doing the work that you're currently doing, working with charities and, and working in your community and neighborhood, that's amazing too. So it's all about finding out what that right fit is for you, where you're at now and continuing to step into those new experiences, new opportunities to evolve it, to get it to be where it is. That ikaigi, where you're bringing all the elements together into one, which is ultimately our goal. Okay, next question. Hey, Heather, here are two things I'm struggling with and they're personal. So I wanted to rate you here how to up my inner circle and find like minded people who see the world through a similar lens, share the same priorities and are success and health driven. Some of my old friends focus on partying too much and it's almost like being back in college. Love my friends, but really want to be around people who inspire me, up my game, open doors and opportunities to have impact for a workout or long walk and coffee with meaningful conversation instead of, you know, kind of college parties. Okay, I get it. Here's the thing. Right now, so many people are doing communities. I've Got a group mentoring program which is full of all a list people who are pushing each other to go to the next level, hold each other accountable. I'm not the only person doing that. There's tons of communities on LinkedIn, on Facebook, just out there that you can join. You have to be willing to put yourself out there. You have to be willing to show up. You have to be willing to raise your hand and say, hey, pick me, I want to come in. Or you have to invest in you and pay to join one of these groups.

Right? There's so many. There's. Oh my gosh.

I get notes all the time on email from different communities. Women led communities CEO. Female led CEO communities. They want you to join, they want you to show up, they want you to participate. Pick the ones that you think are the right fit and either invest in them and show up and pay to join these different clubs or there's plenty that are free as well. You know that you can join online. There are so many women led Facebook groups, it's overwhelming. So start looking for the right group for you and show up, invest in you and make it a priority. That's how I would do it. Especially during COVID where people aren't really meeting in person as much. It's much easier to do on social media and on zoom groups. Okay. I'm a single mom of two boys. Life is beyond insane. Got you on that one. And overwhelming at times. I have so many goals and know how I see my future, but my present situation stops me from taking a step. Not sure how to carve out the time to build my dream without financial security to float me. This is when you have to take the steps. When you don't see the stairs in front of you. I get it. It's scary. It's freaking hard. I'm not saying any of this is easy, but I'm out there doing it. And you. And you can too. There isn't this magic sauce, right? It's about stepping into fear and seeing fear as a green light. If you know that you have a passion and desire to do something more, do something big. You need to make yourself your number one priority. Always put the oxygen mask on you first. Then you can help your children and ask for help so that you know someone can come help you out once in a while so that you can take these steps to build this business. Do it on the side until you can do it for full time. This may even sound like an excuse, but the truth is I become aware of my boundaries and pushing Myself outside of them doesn't end well, health or other issues. I liken my situation to that of a really tight track. And if one thing happens, kid sick, car breaks down, run out of toothpaste, then the whole thing goes off the rails. No, absolutely not. There's no real bandwidth to play. Any ideas? Yes. Did you not hear the beginning of the of this podcast when I was talking about how crappy my week is? Yes, everything is coming off the rails. I'm not getting the topics for my speeches so I can't prep. I have deadlines for HarperCollins that are real that I have to hit. I haven't gotten the work done yet. I'm hey, about to pull an all nighter. Pull frickin all nighter. Make it happen. Drop my kid off for school. He gets sent home sick one hour later. That wasn't in the plan. Right now we have to have a COVID test. The washing machine breaks, they won't let it be sent up the elevator. Listen, this stuff is going to happen. This stuff is called life. And the difference between the people who are going to make it happen and get it done and those that don't is going to be the difference between those who succeed in life and those who don't. Don't allow yourself to end up the person at the end of your life when you're 90 or 100 years old sitting there saying I never frickin went for it. That to me would be the most epic fail. Why not redefine the way you should see fail and say I'm failing? If I'm not stepping into this fear and pushing myself to try, if I'm not making this happen, that's the fail. Who wants to sit at the end of their life and look back and say I never frickin went for it. To this day, the thing I regret for those 14 years I was at that company that didn't treat me well, didn't really value me, is why I didn't step out of there earlier. I swear that's like the one thing you'll never get those years back, right? So you have to say, okay, actually here's a good question for you. If you look back on the last decade as a single mom and raising kids, and it's awesome that you're doing it and I'm super proud of you and I know it's not easy. However, success was easy. Everyone would have it, right? So if you look back on the last eight years of your life, what is it that you would have done differently. Ask yourself that question. And if you need to hold yourself accountable, tell a good friend that loves you, that supports you, that you you want them to check in once a week with you on what the action steps are that you're taking daily to push yourself to the next level, to go for that dream job, that dream life, that dream career. And if you don't put yourself first, this is never going to happen. Don't let yourself be that old lady in the old people's home saying, I always played it safe, I never went for it. And if I could do it all over again, I would have done it so differently. Just have that conversation with yourself now. Your future self. Your future self will thank you. Your future self will thank you so much if you go for it now. I know it's scary. I know you don't see the stairs in front of you. I didn't. And some days I still don't. But I also know if I don't push, nothing is going to happen. That washing machine is getting delivered Monday because I don't take no for an answer and you shouldn't either. Hope that you guys like the show. If you did, please like rate, review and share with your friends. It means the world to me and I always repost re Instagram story re LinkedIn story. I'll repost anything that you guys put up. It means the world to me and I will catch you right back here next week. Keep creating confidence. You know I will too. I decided to change that dynamic. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You could miss it. Come on this journey with me.