#93: Amberly Lago on Building Resiliency with Grit & Grace

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I'm ready for my close up.

Hi, and welcome back. I'm so excited that you're back with me again today. Thank you for being here. Oh, my gosh. So there's a lot going on. First of all, can I just tell you that there is a soul cycle that opened up here in Miami on top of a roof. So you're outside, you're socially distanced, it's safe, but you're still part of a tribe, a community, and it is so amazing. I'm freaking out about it. I just got back from class and I am so blown away. It's interesting because, of course, we took for granted exercise classes and seeing people before, but now it's amazing to just be near people and feel safe. It's just. Wow. Being outside, I feel really blessed to be in Miami. I know so many people are dealing with freezing temperatures all around the country and snow, which, if my son got a vote, we would be living somewhere where there's snow. He's so over the hot weather. But I happen to prefer it. So vote for mom. Mom gets the vote. We stay in Miami. So if you're not in Miami, it is definitely a challenging time right now for you, I'm sure, staying inside. Please try to get outside any way that you can. It just, gosh, it's so incredible going outside. And if you can't get outside where you are, come down to Miami. There's tons of tourists here. It's kind of insane, actually. But anyhow. Oh, my gosh. I don't even know where to start. Okay, a couple of things. So there's this thing in the publishing world called author prerogative. Now, first of all, when I hear that, all I can think about is Bobby Brown. It's my prerogative. Remember that song? So my editor told me about it, and I guess essentially what it means is that, listen, you partnered with your publisher. Mine is Harper Collins leadership because they're experts. They're light years ahead of you. Right. They've had thousands of New York Times bestsellers, so you partner with them for their expertise. However, there can be moments where you run into things that you're saying, you know what? I need to go with my gut on this one. So my editor was explaining to me because my publisher had kicked back on a couple of things they wanted to change. As you know, they cut 8,000 words from my book. Well, they, they had me cut 8,000 words from my book. And then they had flagged a couple of things they wanted removed from the book. And I was telling my editor, but I don't want to remove that. He said, well then it's your author prerogative you don't have. So basically you have to challenge them and say, listen, this is really important to me. Well, wouldn't you know, I get an email about the COVID and they were saying that they wanted just a basic cover with just writing and no images. And I was saying, no way I wanna be on the COVID It's my book, it's my stories, it's my teachings. Not only am I relatable, but I'm real. It won't be right if I'm not on there. But then there is this weird thing in the back of your head that says, okay, they've written thousands of New York Times bestseller. I haven't. Maybe I should defer to them. Maybe they know something that I don't know. And the one thing I will say, harpercon's leadership is amazing. First of all, to work with my team is unbelievable. I love them. I can reach out to them anytime. They're totally real with me. They're amazing. With that being said, we don't always agree 100% on everything, right? I had chosen my title, Leapfrogging Villains. They tested it. Data always wins. Data doesn't lie. And I totally agree with that. My title didn't win and so I appreciate that they do the extra work behind things, you know, right away they didn't love my title, but they didn't kibosh it until the data came back. What's funny is I decided to go on to social media today to test the titles and see what people thought and overcome your villains. The one that Harper picked is winning. And so it's kind of funny. I just want to do my own little test. And they were right. So data doesn't lie. If you're not using data in your business, oh my gosh, what a missed opportunity. It will direct you exactly where to go. So, you know, they were thinking of having a cover that's just writing and I really wanted to, you know, be on the COVID And, you know, I have a personal brand with recognition. There's recognition around my name and image and likeness. And I look at Rachel Hollis's book and I look at Marie Forleo and a lot of people, Jamie Kern Lima, her new book, believe it has her face right on the. On the COVID So there's something to be said for when you have an established personal brand having that likeness on the book. I also understand plenty of books do really well without the image. And the image could be a hindrance. I get both sides. However, I really feel strongly about this. And so this is where my editor said, you drop the author prerogative, you tell them it's my prerogative. Bobby Brown wins on this one. So it's kind of funny because you have to cross reference your gut and your intuition versus the expertise and years of experience and data that they have behind their decisions. And I spend a lot of time telling people this. Don't take direction from someone who hasn't been where you're going. That's a big message of mine. However, they've been where I'm going, right? And they've been there thousands of times. So it's sort of conflicting for me. But it reminded me today I had dinner, I guess about a month ago now with a good friend of mine. Hadn't seen her in a while. She's a very, very famous author. Sold millions of copies of books written, numerous books, all exceptionally successful. Holy cow. If this new book hits like she did, let's just say this people, we are gonna be moving asap. That's the plan. So anyhow, she's light years ahead of me. She's literally like a decade ahead of me. And we were having this great dinner and talking and I'm not going to say her name because I didn't ask her if I could share the story. So I will leave her name out of it. So she was saying she has a new book coming out. And she shared the publisher doesn't really want me to write it. And I said, what are you talking about? You're like such a famous author, you sell millions. I don't understand. And she explained to me it's sort of the same thing that I'm dealing with right now that, you know, her publisher is so massive. They have so much expertise. And they were essentially saying to her, we're gonna have, you know, quote unquote, ghost writer write it and you can edit it. And she said I was really conflicted about it because I didn't agree. However, they have the data, you know, same thing that I'm thinking, right? They've been where we wanna go, maybe we should defer to them. Wouldn't she know? It's so interesting that how the universe works. She was really conflicted. Cause she really wanted to write it. And listen, this woman has Proof that she should be the one to write it. And I frankly was a little shocked. She didn't fight back and use the author prerogative. It's my prerogative. And she didn't. And so I'm sitting there with her and I said, listen, you've got to kick back, forget this. And she said, well, it's interesting you say that. Yes, you're right, I should have. She said, but I didn't. However, the ghost writer didn't hit deadline. She said, so I just picked up the pen and I wrote the book and. And I sent it in and the publisher accepted it, you know, so it all worked out in the end. However, she had herself in the same kind of situation that I'm in. The difference is she sold millions and millions and millions of books. Super famous author, right. And written multiple books. To me, it was so obvious when I looked at her that she should be the one that write it and use her author prerogative and fight back against them. However, when she was in it and in the weeds in it, it wasn't so clear. So here's what I want to remind you today. Your instinct and your intuition is your driving force. That is your light, that is your beacon, right? And when you feel strongly about something, you've got to raise your hand. And I feel strongly about being on the COVID of my book. And I am really going to challenge my team at HarperCollins to find a way to make this work. And who knows if it will be the image that I want or choose, but I really am going to advocate for a cover that I feel good about with my likeness on the COVID So there you have it. I don't know if I'm going to use author prerogative yet, as my editor told me to drop, but I will be listening to Bobby Brown and jamming out for sure as I make these decisions. Okay, I will keep you updated on what happens there. Holy cow. It'll be interesting. So I'm excited today. I've had a few friends on my show, but this is a really fantastic person that I met about a year and a half ago. I was in LA out there for my podcast and she had reached out to me on social media and asked if she could interview me for her new podcast, which was new a year and a half ago. My podcast was pretty new back then, too. Probably very new back then about a year and a half ago, and I guess we both had just started our own podcast. Funny to realize that. Well, anyhow, she came to my hotel. She ended up coming to my hotel room hanging out with me. She's so cool. Such a wonderful person. She and I have spoken at a lot of virtual events together and now we're doing our new TEDxS together at the same youth event. I'm super excited about that. Again, just so crazy how things work out. So today my guest is Amberly Lago. She is a health and wellness coach, a TEDx speaker, a podcaster, and a leading expert in the field of resilience and transformation. Oh my gosh, it's so true. She is the best selling author of True Grit and Grace and she empowers people around the world by sharing her story. How she turned a massive tragedy tragedy into a massive triumph. Through her book, coaching methods and workshops, she's curated unique tools to teach others how to tap into their superpower of resilience and persevere through any of life's challenges. She offers hope and solutions for anyone like her living with chronic pain to live to their fullest. Amber Lee has most recently been featured on NBC's the Today show, the Doctors, the Hallmark Channel, Good Morning La La Land, contributed to the magazines like Shape, Fit, Pregnancy, Health. She's a keynote speaker and she is a total, total badass and my friend. So I'm super excited for you to meet her. I'm going to put all of her links to everything that she has in the show notes if you want to check her out. I definitely recommend checking her out on social media. Her feed is pure fire. And we're going to be right back in a minute and you're going to get to meet her yourself.

Hold a different guest each week and welcome back. I am so excited. It is not often that I have a guest on my show that I know in real life that is a friend of mine in real life. And Amberly, I am so excited that you are here with me today.

Oh my gosh. I am so happy to see you, even if it is through zoom. And I am just so grateful to be here and honored to be on your show. So thank you so much for having me.

Oh my gosh. So we were just talking before we got on the show about when we first met, which now that's two years ago, right? It's about two years ago that we.

Met almost two years ago. And you were actually one of my very first interviews for my podcast and I was so nervous because I was using some equipment that I had never worked with before. And you know, I had read your book and I had been listening to Your podcast. And so I had basically been stalking you, learning everything about you, and I was like, oh, my God, she said yes to being on my show. And I remember, I was like, and you said yes to meeting in person. And I remember being so nervous, like, is this equipment recording? Oh, my gosh. If it's not recording, I'm just going to die. But it did. And everybody still. I still get people that reach out to me today, and they're like, oh, my gosh, Heather Monahan is amazing. And I'm like, I know.

I love her.

So that's so funny. First of all, to your point about when you're traveling with the recording, I had that recording kid, too. I still haven't. Of course, we're at home now and on Zoom, unfortunately. But I remember myself, too, that pressure of, do I have this set up right? Is the volumes right? I mean, when you're not practice or you haven't done something a bunch of times with technology that's new, that can be so freaking intimidating. So I completely get where you were coming from.

Oh, yeah. And I'm like, you know, most people maybe would start with, like, a small guest. I'm like, nope, I want the biggest name out there. I'm going for Heather Monahan.

Oh, my gosh. Well, you know what's funny to me, though, is, you know, you're a very beautiful woman, Obviously, you're very successful. You have a huge social media brand. You're a major social media influencer. And so obviously I vetted you, of course, before I went on your show or asked you to come to my hotel. Right. So, you know, it's so funny that when I met you and I could tell you were nervous, and I remember thinking to myself, oh, my gosh, this is so interesting. I wonder why those situations where. And it does make sense to me because of the recording equipment. I really. I completely get that. But it is funny for ourselves when we put ourselves in certain situations, how even though we're confident in a lot of environments or situations, suddenly we lose our confidence for a moment.

Yeah. And I think that confidence comes and goes, and it can get just knocked right out of, so figuring out ways to build your confidence back up again. And I think one of the only ways that really, the way that works for me is because I still get nervous about certain situations. Yesterday I was so nervous, I had to record this video and just staring at myself on the camera. The only way that I get more confident about doing those things is if I just do it. And I do it again and again until it becomes easier. And so I look back at some situations where I've been nervous or intimidated, and I'm like, you know, I'm just. I just want to enjoy the journey more, you know, and just have fun and not take myself too seriously. And my husband reminds me not to do that. He reminds me to laugh at myself a lot. But. But, yeah, I was. I was nervous and I was like, oh, please let this record, please. And it was, you know, and that was so nice of you to, like, invite me to your hotel to do it. So thank you.

Well, thank you for being such a nice person. So it was such a pleasant surprise. So I remember we talked. We were talking about the speaking business. We were talking about brand opportunities. And I remember that you were in a situation that I had been in previously where we both had been. So I don't want to say desperate, but wanting so bad to find success, wanting so bad to share a message, wanting to reach an audience that we're doing so much for free. And I know that you share with me that you've actually flipped that now, and I'm so, so proud of you because clearly you should have been charging for a long time.

Yeah, well, you know, when my book first came out, I had hardly any social media presence. And my publisher was like, we don't do any marketing for you. If you want to sell this book, it's up to you to do all the marketing. And so I had an Instagram account with, I think, like, 412 followers. And it, like, mostly people, you know, friends and family, and it was pictures of my dog or, you know, my daughter. And. And I thought, oh, my goodness. I got hired. Well, not paid, but booked, I should say, to go speak at an event for Lorna Jane. And I remember they're like, well, here's your marketing materials. And I was like, oh, wow. If I'm going to be serious about speaking in a book, I'm going to have to start marketing myself. So I had a year between the time I got the book deal and the time that my book was coming out. And so in that year, I grew my Instagram, like, 10,000 followers, which was great, because then I finally had the opportunity to do swipe ups through stories. But I was doing a lot of things for free. I mean, anybody and everybody who would have me. I was like, you want me to speak at that coffee shop? I'll be there. You want me to speak at that meeting or whatever it was. I was like, yes, yes, yes. And I Had a publicist that was like, say yes to everything. Say yes to every blog, every podcast interview. And so I did, and it was very easy to kind of spread myself thin. And then we were talking before we started the interview about how you really helped me when we first met, because I loved your, you know, well, you have, like this. You do have this command presence, as my husband likes to say, this very commanding presence. It's the confidence, and I love that. To meet a woman who is confident in herself because it's contagious. You're like, oh, I can be like that, too. But you had said you were asking me about an opportunity, and the questions you were asking were getting more clarity and made more sense. Like, did it grow your brand? Did you make money? Was it worth your time? And so I really started to think in those terms, like, how is this going to benefit me? How's it going to be? Is it good brand exposure? Is it going to fill my bank account? Is it going to fill my heart? So if it doesn't do one of those things, at least then it's a no. Or if it doesn't align with my values. Because there's so many opportunities, and I feel like there's more now than ever because so many people are doing online conferences and events, and I feel like you could just speak all day. And I do want to share hope and inspiration with people, but it also, you have to make sure you're taking care of yourself and not getting burnout. And so I think it's really good to ask those questions.

Did you find it hard at first saying no after you had gotten yourself in a habit of saying yes? It sounds like it would be a tough transition.

It was a little hard at first, and then I feel like it's kind of empowering because you feel like you're really putting you on your to do list, and you are putting, you know, you're taking care of yourself. And so at first it was really hard, but, you know, I'm an overcoming people pleaser. And it's like, you can't make everybody happy. It's impossible. And if you try, then you're just going to be unhappy. And so at first it was hard, but like I said, it's in order to really be successful, I think it's. It's really important to get super clear with what your vision is so you can make the next steps to make those goals become. And those dreams become a reality.

Well, you have definitely done that. I mean, you have come so far from just starting Your podcast only, you know, just about two years ago to where you are today. What. What was the tipping point that you can point to with your social media that you think allowed it to explode to where it is now?

My husband did not. My family was like, didn't understand social media. They hated it. And they were like, oh, they thought I was just goofing around on social media. I'm like, no, this is a business for me. This is serious to me. I'm making connections. And they saw the power of social media. When I did my book tour, and every single book signing across the country sold out. Now, I didn't know people in Kentucky or North Carolina. I have some family in Miami, and I got. I had a book signing at Books and Books there in Miami.

Yes, Books and books. I had mine there, too. I love that you did that.

You did.

I love it there. And I walked in and I had no idea there was going to be a podium set up and chairs set up and, you know, famous politicians do book signings there and celebrities. And so afterwards, the guy came up and he said, you sold out of books? He goes, that is very rare. He said, we have some celebrities and stuff that they don't even sell out of books. How did you do that? And I said, it's the power of social media. You know, that was, for me, spending hours. I have to say, when I first started on social media, I would spend hours a day. I'm talking, like, four hours of my life a day. I know that's crazy, and it sounds like a lot, but it is where, you know, for me, my hub is, is Instagram. And so I don't have a huge following. I mean, I guess everything in comparison, but I have, like, true engaged family. I call them my Instagram family, you know? And so throughout the, you know, book tour and every city, I got to meet people in person that I had met only on Instagram. I actually booked my TEDx, my first TEDx on Instagram. It was a curator that had been watching me on Instagram, but she wasn't watching just what I posted. She was watching how I was responding to people. And so because of the way that I was responding to people, she reached out to me through a dm, and I thought it was a joke. I'm like, seriously, this can't be real. And I was like, okay, yeah, I'd love to do a TEDx with you. And I got the. I said, center my email. And I was like, oh, my gosh, this is the real deal. It was for TedX Berkeley, it was huge. I got to speak on stage with Mel Robbins, Brandon Burchard, Lewis Howes, and Jay Shetty through a DM on Instagram. I had saw there was an event. I reached out through Instagram and I was like, I love what you're doing with your thought leadership and your positivity. And this event you have coming up looks amazing. How can I be of service? How can I jump in and be a part of this? Here's my phone number. Well, they called me and they said, well, you know, as you can imagine, we have it all booked up, but if you promote our event, we'll give you some free tickets. And I said, hey, look, I think your event is great. I said, I'd love to promote it. I said, but my Instagram, my social media, I said, they're like my family. I was like, I don't want to just try to sell them something unless I'm going to be there and be a part of it. So can I at least come and just sell books in the back of the room? They're like, well, we're not really selling anything, but let me get back to you. Well, it was that push that they were looking for. They said, yes, I got to go on stage. So, you know, a lot of times people think, oh, social media, Instagram. I feel like, find out where your hub is, where you connect with people. Like Heather. Oh, my gosh. On LinkedIn, I see your post go viral, like, it's crazy. I'm like, you're a rock star. And I'm like, my LinkedIn is not my main hub, but my Instagram is where, for some reason, I don't know why, that's where I get the most DMs, most engagement. But I feel like wherever you feel like you get your groove, like some people, that's TikTok. And I don't know if you're on TikTok, but, I mean, TikTok's amazing, but I feel like my time, that's the best spin is on Instagram for me. But now there's clubhouse.

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And we saw each other there today. This is so crazy.

I know.

First of all I didn't know that's how you got your TedX. That is amazing and I love that you pushed back. I'm so proud of you for doing that. Right. You led with service, but then you pushed back when they had the ask for you. And that's how you made it happen. My TedX. And I know, we were just talking, we're doing the same TEDx this summer and I'm so frickin excited for that. That is gonna be amazing. But for me, that was one of the scariest things I did. What was your experience like giving your TEDx?

Oh my God, I was scared to death. And I thought that when they asked me to do it, I thought because it was always on my bucket list, I thought that would be awesome because it gives you credibility as a speaker if you're asked to go do a TED Talk. And when I got the email and it was confirmed and it was a done deal, I sat on my couch on like in a little ball, like, oh my God, what am I going to share the most important message of my life? What is that? And I have 14 minutes to do it. And then I got even more freaked out because once the media was loaded on the website, so they sent us a link. We're looking and we're scrolling. And my husband was like, wow, you realize you're the only person that doesn't have a PhD, right? And I was like, oh, thanks for rubbing it in. Like, so I was like, why? I had like imposter syndrome. Like, what? Who am I to go give this talk in front of a bunch? It was booked out, they had 2,000 people and it was their 10th anniversary at Berkeley. So it's one of the most prestigious TEDX stages. Because I know there's a lot of different TEDx stages. And this was like the most beautiful stage I've ever spoken on. It was like two balconies and bucket seats. Seats a lot. It was beautiful. But I was really nervous and it was one of my very first big talks. You know, I had done like small presentations and talks, but I had never stood up, especially on that infamous red circle in front of that many people before. And so I was practicing here in my office, like pacing back and forth, nervous for a solid month before I gave my talk. But then when you do it, it's like, oh, I did it. Like, I'm so glad I did it.

And why are we gluttons for punishment? We're doing it again. That is hilarious to me.

I know. And I thought to myself, why did I say yes to that? And I said yes because it's for youth. And I really want to impact youth. Because I wish that I had someone when I was younger who would say, hey, these are the things that my biggest mistakes, and this is what I've learned from it, so you don't have to do that, you know. And that was one of the main reasons I wrote my book, too, is so people could learn from all my failures and my mistakes. Because I don't want anybody to ever hit rock bottom like I did.

Will you share with us a little bit about the book and about that story?

You know, I've spent my entire life, I was a professional dancer and athlete and fitness trainer. And, you know, I ran track and was sponsored by Nike. So my whole life, I was a runner and active. And everything changed when I was hit by an suv. I was coming home from work on my motorcycle and a car T boned me and I was thrown 30ft. When I finally came to a stop, my leg was completely shattered and my femoral artery was severed. But I really didn't know how it was going to change my life. I had no idea just how serious it was. And I started to realize it was more. More serious because people weren't running up to me. They were. One lady fainted. Other people were walking slowly with, like, a horrified look on their face because I just looked once, I looked down once at my leg, and I could see how it was broken into pieces, and I did not want to look at it again. Well, I was rushed to the hospital, and they put me in induced coma because I was literally dying on the table. All my organs, everything was shutting down. I'd lost so much blood. I had gone into shock, and they couldn't control my pain. So they put me in induced coma. And when I woke up, they said, you have a 1% chance of saving your leg. We're so sorry, but we have to amputate. It's basically a war wound. And I thought, oh, my gosh, One of the worst things you can hear is a professional dancer, athlete, trainer. I was doing fitness videos and modeling and doing the vitamin labels. And I was like, what do you mean you're going to cut my leg off? And then all I could focus on was the 1%. And so I chose that 1%. And I thought, oh, you said 1%. Well, that that means there's still a chance, so we need to find a doctor who will save it. And my husband, you know, they had wanted to amputate it while I was still in a coma. And thank goodness, he was like, nope, we are not going to amputate you. I want her to wake up and let that be her decision. I want that hurt to be her decision. And so he started Googling limb salvage because he's a lieutenant commander with the highway patrol, and he was used to that kind of terminology. He's seen a lot of accidents in his life. And so he Googled limb salvage. He found an amazing doctor at Cedars. But now getting me transferred was like. Took an act of God because it was, you know, I was on life support, and to get me from one hospital to another. Anyway, they got me transferred, and it took 34 surgeries. I held on to that 1% chance. It was my glimmer of hope. And surgery after surgery after surgery, they were able to, piece by piece, put my leg back together. And it changed my life because it led me to where I am today. So I have had people say, would you take it all back? And I really, even though I still live with constant chronic pain from a nerve disease I was diagnosed with, I wouldn't take it back because I feel like pain has been one of my biggest teachers. And so that inspired me to write a book, which I had so many naysayers. You know, people like, you write a book, you don't even have a college education. I didn't even own a laptop at the time. I hand wrote my entire book, then bought a laptop, then took a class at Apple because I didn't even know how to work a laptop or computer. That's just not. I didn't run my business that way. My business was all word of mouth and took a class. And the guy at Apple was like, oh, my gosh, I have to stop and just say for a minute. He goes, you know, I've never had anybody like you that wasn't embarrassed to ask a bunch of questions because people think they're going to look dumb. And I said, well, no, I'm not embarrassed. I said, I need to know how to do this. And so I'm going to ask as many questions as I can so I can learn how to do it. I've got a book in me. I need to get out to the world. And so, you know, I use naysayers or people like, oh, you'll never do that. That is my fuel and my motivation to prove to myself that I can do something. But I still think, you know, I remember the look on my husband's face when he found out that a publisher wanted my book. And he was like, are you kidding? Somebody wants your okay. And then when I told him we're gonna go, they want to interview me on the Today show. Megyn Kelly wants to interview me. I think that's when he really was like, oh, wow, she's actually doing this. And I think that I saw the biggest growth when you asked me the question before with the social media, once I started getting TV shows like the Today show and the Doctors and Hallmark Channel and Good Morning La La Land, and. Because those things give you more credibility. So people go, oh, well, who is that? Because there's just so many people, there's so many names out there. And. And so I think that that gave me some credibility, but I never really imagined that it would take me to where I am now, where I would have the ability to connect with so many amazing people. And I really get my joy and my strength to keep going, because it is not easy living with chronic pain every day. It's not easy being an entrepreneur. But what gives me my strength and my hope is when I know that I can connect with somebody and. And share things that I do to get through those difficult times. And they are like, you know what? You changed my life. Because of you. I didn't give up because of you. I have accepted all my scars, too, or whatever it may be. So that is just a little bit about my story, but it sure has been a wild ride, and I am really grateful that it led me to you, Heather, because for a long time, I had a friend of mine saying, you got to meet Heather Monahan. You just got to meet her. And I was like, like, who is this Heather Monahan? I'm like, oh, no wonder I had to meet her, because you are amazing, Amberly. You.

Oh, my gosh, you can make me cry. So many things that I want to reiterate that I just took from what you said. And for everyone listening right now, there was a glimmer of hope. 1% is a glimmer of hope. And that's what you hung onto. And I just. That's so powerful for today and for in the pandemic and you just getting out of flipping quarantine in LA and, you know, hanging onto that glimmer is so inspiring and gives me so much hope. So thank you. Another thing that you mentioned that I really want to shine a light on. You talked about owning your flaws, Amberlee. You don't own your flaws, and it's not a flaw at all. But I know what you're referring to. Your injuries, you rock them, you own them, you showcase them. And that, to me, that is what draws me to your Social. If you're not following Amberly on Instagram, you have got.

What is your handle on Instagram, Amberly Lagomotivation.

You have to go check out the feed because you make it cool to have an injury. You make it like people want to applaud you to have the injury. And I remember when I first started public speaking, I shared in a speech, you know what? I have stinky feet. Yes, people. I have stinky feet. And people go crazy for it. I really do have stinky feet. I don't love that I have stinky feet, however. And this is hardly a comparison to you, but I recognize that the more real people can understand anyone is the more you can relate. Right. Because we all have struggles. We don't have the same one that you have. Right. But we all have challenges. And it's about how we show up and react to it, respond to it and. Or reframe it, which you have done in a very powerful way. It's just mind blowing to see what you've created. The other thing that comes across very clearly to me, your passion, your connection with your purpose, your heart and your passion. And you speak about your heart a lot and coming from your heart, not head, which is important to you, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. You know, I can get caught up in my head. And one thing I've had to learn to do is really, instead of listen to myself, I have to talk to myself because I have this inner critic that I'll be. I can be my own worst enemy. I can beat myself up and tell me how I am not good enough and who do you think you are? And all those things. So I have really learned to talk to myself from the minute I wake up. I think that one of the most powerful things we can do is shift our perspective on things. And I mean, you know what? Just this morning, you know, I woke up and I was. I heard my husband snoring. And I was like, oh, good God, just stop snoring. And then I thought, no, I need to say thank you, God. He's breathing. Thank you, God. We have. Or whatever you want to say, universe, spirit, who. I have a higher power. But it's all how we view things and we see things. A lot of people may have seen the 1% as well. There's 99% chance those are the reasons I should give up. It's so important to really get clear about what you're putting your focus on, especially now with everything that's going on with the pandemic and feeling like we're so locked up. I think it's especially important to focus on those things. And for me, I try to stay out of my head and into my heart because I can overthink things. And I think that if we can get out of our head and just speak from our heart, you know, I might not say things perfectly. It might not come out just right or. But at least it's my truth. And I think if we can just speak our truth, then we're going to connect to the right kinds of people. We're going to connect to our kind of people, and that's what matters, you know, is connecting to our people. Not trying to say the right thing always or be like somebody else, but staying true to yourself.

That's so powerful.

Oh, well, thank you. And, you know, it took me a long time to accept, you know, you're saying you rock your flaws, and it took me a long time to do that. I was so ashamed. I did not like. Well, I hated myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the pain. I was so embarrassed of the way I looked. And it's so freeing when you can let that go and just be an acceptance for who you are, where you are, what you stand for, and it's so much easier. And then when I'll never forget, I posted my first TikTok video. And mainly because, you know, my youngest daughter was like, mama, you're too old for TikTok. You do not need to be on TikTok. And I was like, oh, well, then I'm definitely going to be on TikTok. So I, like, flipped the camera over, and it was the first time I had put on tap shoes since my motorcycle accident. And she could see me struggling. I was, like, trying to fit my deformed foot in this shoe. And she's like, mom, I don't know if that's. That's going to work. I don't think your foot fits in there anymore. And I was like, I am going to get my foot in this tap shoe. And so turn the camera on. I did a little tap dance, and I was like. I got emotional because I was like, this is the first time I've danced, tap danced. And that was, like, one of the biggest joys of my life. That was what I loved doing. And so to be able to do it again, I posted it, and so many people were commenting, and most of the things were good, you know, and that video got close to 6, 600,000 views on that TikTok video. And let me tell you, thousands of comments, and most of them are good, but sometimes that negative one is what sticks, like Velcro. And we're, like, wired to remember the negative ones. And it's like, people can say one thing and all these nice things. And there was a guy that was like, can you please not post stuff like that, because it makes me want to throw up. And I'm eating. And that was just, like, sticking with me. And then I was able to laugh about it. But had I not really processed the feelings and gotten over the shame of how my leg looked, that would have devastated me. That would have crushed me. I probably never would have posted anything again. I probably would have never worn shorts again, ever. So I think it's really important to really let those feelings rise up and deal with those feelings and process them so you can step into your power and own it. So when somebody says something like that, you're just like, oh, yeah, I know. Look at this leg, Isn't it? Look at this. It's cool, right? How I can move the calf muscle in the front of my leg. It's like a crazy bar trick, you know, so you can start to, like, just, you know, no matter what somebody says, you know who you are, you stand in your truth and it's not going to, like, completely derail you.

Oh, my gosh, I love that shining a light on shame takes all of its power away and you've put it to work for you. I feel like that's what I do is getting fired instead of living in fear of people finding out I was shining a light on it and saying, let's put this thing to work for me. Very different situation. But I will tell you, so powerful, when you lead from the front with what those flaws are, it really separates you and frees you simultaneously.

Well, I love that you did a post recently about that I think I saw on LinkedIn where you were, like, shining a light on a comment that you got about. You have a huge. I mean, it's such an honor to be asked to teach at Harvard and somebody had made a comment about that, and you're like, oh, we're going to shine a light on that. And I think it is important because when I did a video and I posted, there's a way on TikTok where you can actually show someone's comment and you can react to it so you can answer questions or comments. And I did it in a way not to come down on the guy, but to say to other people, look, there's always going to be naysayers out there. There's always going to be people that may disagree with you. There's going to be haters. Don't let that discourage you. You know, keep. You just keep being you and stay true to yourself. But it was hard when I first got like my first haters. And it's all how you look at it. I remember I just done the doctors TV show interview and I was surprised that people that are in my CRPS community were coming down on me. They're like, you can't get out of pain from being mindful or using your mindset. And I was like, no, you can't maybe get out of it. I said, but you can get through it and you can grow through it. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I told my husband, oh my gosh. These people are like, really coming. Like haters coming out of the woodwork and just a few. But it was those few that wanted to be really loud. And he was like, congratulations. I am so happy for you. It's about time you got some haters. That's good. That means you're getting your message out there. And I thought of it as yeah, and it's going to make you believe in your message even more or question it. And for me, it was like, I believe in my message. I know that it can change people's lives. If they just do these, like five things every day, they can be more resilient. And so, yeah, shine a light on the shame. I love that.

But let's get into pacer and what are the steps people need to take.

To turn their lives around?

Well, this is something quickly to that, you know, to overcome adversity, pain. It helps me. It helps me with depression, it helps me be resilient so I can get through some challenges every day, whether it's with pain or just this pandemic. And being the lunch lady with virtual.

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Worst job ever and we both have it.

I'm with kids, I know, like trying to be creative, what's eating? So I need something quick. Like I'm big on making lists. I'm big on like mantras and quick reminders. And so there's, there's a few things I do every single day and if I'm not feeling my best, it's because I've left one of these things out. So first, PACER stands for perspective, Acceptance, community, endurance and rest. And perspective is, you know, we can't always control what's going on in our world, but we can control how we view it and how we react to it. And for me, the quickest and easiest way to do that is to get in gratitude. And I mean really practice it and feel it. And so I start my day with gratitude. I say a prayer first thing before my feet hit the floor and get grateful. I write about gratitude in my journal. There's something very healing about writing it and feeling it. It's a way to process your feelings. And it's not always easy to be grateful when you feel like you have a never ending to do list or we're in a pandemic. And so I think it is powerful to have an accountability partner. And so I have an accountability partner that we write to each other every single day. And by the way, I think it is powerful to have coaches, mentors, be a part of masterminds, all those things. Have somebody that you can connect with, you can be accountable to because that is what is going to help you keep that positive perspective. The next part of PACER is acceptance. And that was really hard for me. I did not want to accept that I was going to live a life with pain every day. You know, I was diagnosed with this disease dubbed the suicide disease because it is ranked highest on the pain scale and there's known cure. And I was in denial. I was doing everything in order not to look at that. And I think, you know, sometimes that comes across in our relationships when we don't want to look at something that we're not happy with in a relationship or a job. And maybe we start eating too much or drinking too much or overwork or speed date or whatever it is in order not to look at that big white elephant in the room. And I think to really be resilient, you have to take a look at what is going on in your life so you can take some action steps to make your life better. And it's not always easy, but it's possible. And I think that that's possible with a community of people. It makes it a little easier. And that's the next part of PACER community. I used to try to do everything alone. I was self reliant and I got this. And I realized when I was at my darkest place that I didn't, I couldn't do it alone. I needed help, I needed people. And I, you know, luckily I have some, some of my sobriety sisters because I went down a dark road for a few years there drinking. I've got sobriety sisters who loved me until I could love myself. I'm a part of a mastermind of entrepreneurs and some of the most successful thought leaders, authors and accomplished entrepreneurs. And it's like we connect with people who've already paved the way and so you get that advice and collaboration. So I think a community on social media. I love my social media tribe. So community is powerful. We can be unstoppable when we have a force of cheerleaders behind us. And so because it takes a lot of endurance and that's the next part of pacer. And I think that's where your grit and your grace really come into play. And I think that's where I have to tap into, okay, what is my why, why am I doing this? And that gives me the motivation to keep going along with daily habits. I think it's really important to be disciplined and some people don't like that D word. But I think that discipline is what allows us to have the freedom. And then the last part of PACER is rest, which if we really want to be resilient, we have to strategically stop and allow for times in our schedule to recover. Because I love what I do and I could work 247 and I would look, oh my gosh, I forgot to eat, I forgot to work out. When am I spending time with my family? Like basic necessities that I have to schedule in. So I think it's really important to shift it from resting being a luxury to really being a necessity, especially if you're dealing with chronic pain or anything like that. But if I am doing PACER throughout day, the, the day, then I know I will go down the list. Yesterday I was like dying, I couldn't even see straight. And I was supposed to record a podcast interview and I was like, what is wrong with me? And I went through PACER and I was like, well, I haven't rested. I have been going nonstop for 12 hours straight and just taking a 10 minute not nap. I didn't fall asleep, but I laid down. Then I felt like a new person. And so I really hope that that helps anyone who is listening who may be struggling with just their business or being a mom and the lunch lady, or if you have chronic pain, whatever you are struggling with, that you can think of that PACER and tap into your superpower resilience. Because we all have it. It's just our ability to tap into it.

Oh, it's so helpful. Thank you for sharing those tips, Amberly. So I am super curious to know, and I know that recently you had accident with your daughter and I'm interested to know what is your relationship with accidents, death and fear around things that are so big since you've been right in the middle of such a huge fear for most people.

Well, you know, it's interesting because my husband says, well, you just won't die. Because I've been in like three accidents where I've been hit by a car, on my bicycle, on my motorcycle. And then about six weeks ago, my daughter and I were on our razors and got hit as we were going through a crosswalk. And I thought when I got hit for the third time, we're getting, we're in the back of the ambulance and one of the once I knew she was stable, you know, I didn't know we hadn't done the CAT scan yet. And we're in the back of the ambulance and it might seem kind of crazy to have this thought while you're in the back of an ambulance, but I was really like, okay, what am I learning from this? What did I not learn from the other times that I need to learn? And so that's my default is not why me? Why is this happening to me? Because I feel like that gets you into that victim mindset. But my default is, okay, what can I do next? What can, what's my next step? What are my options and what can I learn from it? Because when you look at it from that perspective, it gives you hope that, okay, well, there are still possibilities. But if you're stuck in oh, again, I got hit by a car or whatever. I mean, there is something to be said, like I need to look both ways. But oh my gosh, I had a friend that was like, you know, you should name your neck book look both Ways. He goes, look, I'm kidding. I know it wasn't your fault, but, you know, maybe look both ways. But, you know, I think that we can either live our life with fear of faith. We can't live. You can't be in fear. I don't think you can be in fear or faith. Yes, you can have moments of being fearful. You know, I've got healthy fears too. Like I have a healthy fear of I don't ever want to go and hit my rock bottom again. So there are things that I am scared to do that. So I'm like, I won't drink again because it's a slippery slope. I was doing that to manage my pain because nothing else was working. I was self medicating. So there are healthy fears. But I think when you have faith, there are no coincidences that things happen for a reason. People come into your life for a reason and sometimes you're put in situations that are sometimes horrible. And you know, you wouldn't wish it on anybody. But your survival story, there's a quote about, you know, your survival story might just be someone else's roadmap to live or to get through a tough situation. So I always ask, well, you know, instead of why me, why not me? You know, maybe I can show somebody else who's struggling that they're going to be able to get through a situation.

Oh my gosh, Amber, that is so inspiring and just mind blowing. I can't even wrap my head around. I'm so proud of you. Now I know that you mentioned masterminds and I actually know you're launching your own mastermind. Can you tell us a little bit about that?

The difference between, you know, we can all be successful. But if you want to get from point A to point B, I think it's so important to surround yourself with great experts, leaders, mentors. And that's why I originally got got involved with a mastermind. Because it's the difference between getting someone's opinion versus getting counsel. Like for instance, if you want to write a book and you're like telling your family or your friends like I was, and they're like, good luck girl, you're not going to write a book. Whatever. They've never written a book. So they of course would say those things because they don't they don't know how to write a book. Maybe, you know, so when I went to a guy who had already written 75 best selling books, I get counsel and he says these are the next things to do to get from point A to point B. So that's what the Mastermind is all about. It's about surrounding yourself with people who are passionate, positive, who have written books, who have been on big stages, who have successful podcasts, or people who have managed to, you know, their pain and they're doing things instead of giving up. So it's really a hand selected group of like minded people because you're working closely together and you get in the hot seat or the opportunity chair where you get to declare who you are and what your goals are. Then we go around and everybody in the group gets to ask a clarifying question and then everybody in the group gets to offer their suggestions and you just say thank you and take notes and you move on. So you're learning from everyone in the group and you're building these amazing relationships. And I have to say I was inspired to do my own Mastermind because I was so booked with clients. You know, I've been coaching for 23 years and I can't. I'm booked with clients and I'm like, how can I still help people and make an impact? And so I went and got certified as a mastermind consultant with the Mastermind association. And I am so excited to launch this mastermind which will be launching in about one month. I did one Mastermind which was just for chronic pain and this is going to be for entrepreneurs as well. So I am excited. Thanks for asking about it because it is so powerful when you can connect with people who are doing the same things. It is like they speak the same language.

Your advice around not taking direction from people who haven't been where you're going is my favorite thing and one of the most crippling things. And as I always say, fire your villains. Not saying they're bad people, but people that are holding you back and surround yourself with the people that are lifting you up. And that's exactly what a Mastermind allows for. Getting rid of the opinions that don't count because they have no idea and adding in the people that can help you. It's such a profound difference so that people can achieve their goals. I'm so excited for you doing this.

Thank you. I'm really excited about it. It's something that I've been working on and planned out now. My Mastermind's A little bit different. It comes with a 45 page workbook that I've spent. Okay, I've spent like a year on this workbook, but I put my heart and soul in it because I know that, you know, if you just had, I wasted thousands of dollars and so much time, you know, doing the wrong things or asking the wrong people or just horrible. And I don't want anybody to have to go through what I went through, even with a publishing process, which is a whole other story. But yeah, so if I can share those tips and tools, like the things that cost me the most money and that can save somebody else money, then that's what it's all about. And I love also that it's an opportunity to have guest speakers come in and share their expertise. So it's not just about me getting up there. It's about the other people in the group and these amazing guests that come in and drop their wisdom and knowledge and their experience.

Well, Amberleigh, it's so clear that you are doing what you were born to do. Your passion comes through so powerfully and so does your heart. And just knowing you personally, I am so proud of you and so grateful that you shared all of this with everyone. Where can everybody find you and where can everyone find your podcast?

Please reach out to me. You can text me and tell me you heard me on the show. This is. And we were saying this before the recording, but this I said you're like my favorite female podcast. Your voice is. Maybe I should just say favorite podcast instead of female, but there's so many. But it's true. I really admire all that you do. So let me know you heard me here. You can text me at 818-214-7378 or you can find me at Amberly Lago Motivation. My website's there. I've got free downloadable gratitude journal and if you text me the word grit, you can get your downloadable goals Grit and Grace workbook that will have the PACER method in it. So grit to 818-214-7378 and yeah, reach out. And it's me texting. So sometimes it takes me a little bit just because I like to connect with everybody. Please reach out and thank you. Heather. I just love you and I was so excited to get to talk to you and we're going to have to talk about our next TED Talk coming up and I'm just.

I know.

Thank you so much for having me on your show. It's really truly an honor to get to share with Your audience, thank you for being here.

Much continued success. And everyone, we will be right back.

I asked you to try to find your passion. I hope you loved meeting Amberly as much as I love being her friend and hanging out with her. She's such a breath of fresh air and. And she's the real deal. There's a lot of women out there in the world that you might meet that are beautiful and look like they have it all together and they're fake and not real. And she's not. She's so real. It's just the only way I can explain it. And she's just. She's such a good person. So definitely check her out. Okay, on to Q and A. Hey, Heather, I enjoy your podcast about boundaries today. I guess that was last week's podcast, so if you haven't heard it, go check it out. I have a question about what you would do. In a situation I encounter frequently, I find myself having to pick up slack for coworkers or even other peers, maybe in group projects that need to get done or whatever the case may be. I know I have to pick up the slack or else my grade or job will be affected. Therefore, I just say, okay, and I complete the task myself. This takes away from personal time, adds extra stress. What would you say or do in this situation? I heard you like to use these questions in your podcast. If you do, keep this anonymous. Okay, you got it. So here's the thing. People will treat you the way you teach them to. This person is saying, this happens in her life frequently. She's allowing for it, and she's teaching them to do it right. Here's a quick story. Thirteen years ago, my son was born. Ten days after giving birth, the CEO that I worked for called me and he said, hey, I need you to jump on a plane and go give a keynote speech for me at my alma mater. I can't do it. And I said, okay, that's ridiculous. Okay, here's what I would do differently today. I'd say, oh, my gosh, so great to hear your voice. Did you not hear I just had a baby? Hang on. I'm going to go ahead and email and text you the pictures over. Call me back once you get them, and let's talk about how cute my kid is. Oh, by the way, I'm sure there's someone on the team that would be better suited to make a flight right now, and that's definitely not me.

Right?

That was easy. Easy. Okay, now, if you haven't just had a baby, but you have no business in taking all the work on what it should be divided and equally spread. The first thing that I would say in that situation, I use this in any difficult situation that you don't want to be, you don't want to create additional conflict but you need to call someone out. I always say this. I'm confused. Okay, that's non confrontational. However, we've got a problem, right? I've got a question. Hang on, I'm confused. When we started working together on this project, I was doing a third of the work. You were doing a third, Bobby Joe's doing a third. I've completed my task, Bobby Jo's completed theirs and you have not been able to get yours done. As you know you're responsible for that portion. If we hand this in with just 2/3 of the work done, everyone is going to suffer. Where are you stuck that you're not able to produce this or get it done right? You've got to keep kick back in a non confrontational way to remind people of expectations and take it a step back even further. Are you setting clear expectations on the front end of work projects of school projects to say guys let's get clarity here and let's assign some deadlines and some responsibilities and let's go ahead and put it in writing. Okay, here's what we've agreed to. A week before the project is due, everyone will have their part done so that everyone can review the other parts. Your review responsible for A, you're responsible for B. I'm responsible for C. We meet together and reconvene in 10 days and we all come prepared to the meeting. Here's what that will entail. Here's the deadlines, here's the responsibilities and I'll follow up with an email. The more specific you are with people, the more you're going to be able to hold them accountable. Get agreement and buy in from everyone on the front end. Set those expectations clearly and then those boundaries are really easy to hold because every everything was in writing. I'm confused. How could you not have your your portion of the work done here? That doesn't make any sense. So definitely have to kick back there. And if it's happening frequently, it's because you're teaching people to treat you that way. Pump the brakes and stop. And P.S. you should totally check out my confidence video course. Go to my website, you'll see the link. I offered a special deal this week on it. Use Code Clubhouse at checkout. You get 200 off it and it's just 99, but that's definitely going to help you. Okay. Hey, Heather, I just listened to you on Clubhouse. Oh, I was on Clubhouse all week. I have your book since it came out, and I love it. I wrote you a review too. Oh, thank you so much. I'm finally trying to get my book published and the question is about pr. Did you hire a firm to help you? Any advice would be appreciated. Listen, of course you want to hire a PR firm if you can, but it's a financial commitment, right? It's a big investment and some of the companies are very expensive. So if you can go all in. I also used an element through the publishing company that I worked with, Scribe. They have some options there that are a little less expensive. But if you have a community that you've already built on social media through an email list, you also want to leverage that opportunity. You want to pitch yourself to go on podcasts, to go on shows, to get as much exposure as you can. Seth Godin was super smart about this. He did did podcast guesting for months before his book came out. However, he would tell you, as he told me, you cannot drop this episode until I think it was October 4th to October 10th. That's it. That's your window. And so he had hundreds of podcast episodes come out right when his book dropped. So he didn't need a PR firm necessarily for that. He just had to put a lot of time and work in. So financially, if you can make the investment, of course, go, go all in and hire a PR firm. If finances are too tight and you don't have those resources, do the hustle. Put the time and pitch yourself for everything and anything you can and get everyone to agree to allow that, you know, a tight window around right when your book drops to come out. Okay, hey, Heather, I'm writing a book. All I ever hear about is I have to know someone in the industry to get published. I'm not sure what steps you took to get published. Okay, first of all, to get get published, you can self publish. You can just upload to Amazon. You don't need to overthink it. When I self published, I hired Scribe Media, which I highly recommend. Go to their site, check it out, or I'll put a link in in the show notes, and it's a la carte. You can pick the services you need or don't need. And it's takes zero time. I mean, it happens so fast. So people try to make it really intimidating. Scribe for me, really simplified it and, and it was a Great experience. That was my first book. Now my second book which is coming out in November. I went and pitched an agent first. Then I pitched her 14 times on 14 different book proposals. Finally on the 15th time she said yes. Then she went out and pitched 10 or 15 publishing houses during the pandemic. We got back a few yeses. We met with the different teams. We decided on going with HarperCollins leadership that whole process as well as writing the book. This is the big difference, right? When I self published, I wrote the book and self published all within five to seven months. It was. The book was out under a year, far under a year. It was very fast, the traditional way, which I'm going now. It'll be almost a year and a half, two year process. It really depends if you want speed to market self publish. If you are really hooked on this idea of wanting to be with a publisher, you got to find an agent, start pitching yourself to different agents out there and get ready for your book not to be out for a couple years. I hope that helps. I hope this episode helped. If it did, please leave me a rating and review hit subscribe and I need you to get these episodes every week. And if you could please promote it on social media. When you tag me, I always repost and re tag and I can't wait to see you next week. I'll be creating content confidence. Hope you will be too. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen.

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