Transcript of Ian Ugarte's stand-up routine (YouTube, June 2021) featuring comedic stories and observational jokes. Core material includes an opening anecdote about a racist remark at a soccer game, jokes about his ethnic identity (claims Australian and Spanish passports; describes himself as Hispanic/olive), riffs on gender/sexuality and clothing (women's pockets, G-strings), bodily/colonic humor (diploma in colonic irrigation), family background (multiple plumbers in family) and personal life (four daughters). Tone is irreverent, self-deprecating, and observational.
Questions this video answers
Australian and Spanish passports.
Plumber.
A diploma in colonic irrigation.
Four daughters.
Chapters
Ian agate.
Hello.
I did want to start on a serious note. A few weeks ago, I was playing soccer and one of the supporters from the other side, I thought we'd got over this in Australia, yelled out, where's your passport, brown man?
Seriously, how ignorant, arrogant and insensitive. Unintelligent. Really? Because really.
I am not brown.
Hispanic. Olive.
Dulux. 10DS. Like, if you're gonna. It's worth doing, it's worth Dulux. You know.
I've lost weight recently.
25 years and it's over. So I'll just move the mic stand so you can see how slinky I am.
Stop.
I have an Australian passport and I have a Spanish passport, which makes me a Spaniard. Have you ever wondered why they call them Spaniards? They don't call them span inches, span yards. Hey, girls.
Catholic church has just funded some research into curing lesbianism. They've come up with a drug called Tricoxagin.
I.
Better than having that sex change from, you know, from a woman to a man. Where you get that sex change called an addictomy.
I.
Used to buy all my ex's dresses. I buy women's shoes a lot. I wear women's pants, shave my legs a lot. My nipples are always hard, especially in salt water.
I don't understand why that happens. I love rom coms and I'm very emotional and I think I'm probably the only one in my family that's going to be surprised when I come out.
I mean, you look at these pants, right? They're so tight. And I came out with this thing in my back pocket. So that wasn't a camel toe, that was like a moose knuckle, right?
And what's the deal with these women's pockets? Like, you all want us to put a ring on it, but you've got these pockets where your fingers end up wearing down to, like, stubs, and there's nowhere to put a ring on it. I mean, Beyonce's hanging around with Jay Z doing this one nowadays and her ring's fallen off, you know, and then I look at you ever wondered why they call them G strings? I know why. Because the first time I ever saw one, I went, gee.
And then why strings? Like, why even wear them? Like, that's dental floss for ass. Seriously. And.
Which way's forwards? Which way is. But like, just pieces of string and, you know, how do you put them on? Like, I'm finding it difficult myself.
I'm the first person that's taken the Catholic Church to court.
Because I wasn't touched up when I was a kid.
I've developed a bit of a complex. Like just because I was a 12 year old Ewok doesn't mean I should have attention grabbed on me. Right. I've got a Facebook page if you want to support it. It's called the Communion of the Untouched.
I'm a plumber by trade. I actually come from a family of plumbers. My dad Julian, plumber, my brother Julian, plumber, my nephew Julian, plumber Woggs, my brother in law plumber and my sister Gillian, a plumber as well.
That's not true. She was pretty intelligent. She ended up being a brickies labourer.
I am not only a plumber but I actually have a diploma in colonic irrigation. So in this room I probably am the only qualified person that can tell you that you're full of crap. Right?
I always. And you know, I think about poo a lot.
And why is it that if you need to do number twos like you can go for hours on end and there's that you've got to go but there's a pocket and it sort of makes its way back up again and sort of settles and then you get a little bit more edge occasionally every now and then, you know, it pops its head out and has a look around, says cotton, butts its head and back in again. You can handle that, right? Unless of course it comes out with and it ends up with a dent in its head and goes back in and everyone says oh, look at you Peter Poo. You're a bit of a nerd, aren't you? Right, center part.
Glad you got that one. But then there is a connection at some point in time that when you do finally find a toilet, you've got to be really careful about opening that toilet door because there's a connection between the eye and the ass that as soon as it sees porcelain it's on its way and you've got to go quick. And if you've got 501s on, maybe I'm too old for that buckled up jeans. You're in trouble to get to that space in the time. So you know, I can just imagine the dive into the water. Anyone's mum psychic in here? Yes, my mum's psychic for years and years I've been able to tell. The other day I was at her place and she said, yang, if you don't eat those bananas they're gonna go black. Two days later.
I tried really hard not to swear tonight and I don't think I did.
And the C word, that's the worst. Like, I cannot say it. I just can't. I can't. One thing you don't know about me is I have four daughters, and.
Each one of them has said to me, dad, I want to find out what I love to do, then I'm going to do it, and I'm going to do it forever.
So that's very millennial of you.
I said, can we do the same thing with boys? Find out who you want to love to do, then do them, and then do them forever. That way I'll end up old at home with four unemployed virgins. I mean, you got it. Thanks, guys.
