A first-person excerpt from a YouTube video where the speaker confesses early realization of same-sex attraction and describes immediate anxiety about how this might derail their ambitions to become an All Black (New Zealand rugby player). The speaker describes internalized rejection and intentional suppression of their feelings to protect their sporting goals.
Oh, I think I might be attracted to guys. I think I might be gay. And then I was like, suddenly I was like in my head thinking straight away my biggest concern, my biggest thing was like how's this going to affect my rugby? How's this going to affect my goal? How's this going to affect my ultimate achievement which I want to be an all black. Because in my thinking, in my head this idea of a gay all black wasn't part of my thought process. That, that should, you know, to me that was like, no, that should never, no, that's not meant to be there. That's not right. You know, there's no all that, that's gay. I'm going to push that away and I, I pushed it deep down and, and thought well, you know, I'll just hide that and just, we'll forget about that one.
