How to Overcome Fear

Welcome to Life On Purpose. My name is James Laughlin, former seven time world champion musician and now success coach to leaders and high performers. Each week I bring you an inspiring leader or expert to help you live your life on purpose. Thanks for taking the time to connect today and investing in yourself. Enjoy the show.

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Before we jump into today's episode, I want to tell you about the Purpose Club. I started the Purpose Club quite some time ago so that I could coach people of all backgrounds. Not everybody has access to coaching and certainly it can be out of people's price range. So I wanted to create a community where I coach my members each month and it's incredibly affordable and I do a deep dive monthly live session and deliver my best techniques, strategies and habits. And I impart great lessons on leadership, motivation, mindset, abundance, habit installation and you're creating a lasting legacy. There's free replays in there from all the previous live casts. There's high impact worksheets for you to take home and and actually work through. Throughout the month you'll receive weekly planning emails with actual planners to fill out your week. You'll get a weekly self evaluation email where you can evaluate yourself on all different levels. Relationship, life, business, wealth, career, everything that you want. You'll get weekly journal prompts to really get your mind tuned into that higher level thinking. And also on a monthly basis you'll get plenty of planning worksheets and reflections for your month. So if you would like to learn about it, please get in touch with me or someone in my team. You know, jump onto Instagram jameslochlanofficial drop me a DM or you can email me james jjluglin.com or just go to the website jjlochlund.com and check it out. Enjoy the show and I hope to see some of you guys over in the Purpose Club.

I'd like to take today to chat about fear. It's one of those things that we tend to brush under the carpet and forget about or procrastinate on. But often the things that we fear, they're there for a reason. And I always believe that, you know, if you can look at your fears and admit your fears, then it's often a little bit easier to overcome them. And in today's society of, you know, positive psychology, which is amazing for what it is, I feel that sometimes we're told to suppress our fears or in a really strong masculine way, like push through our fears. But actually, you know, for me I've had to take a different approach and I Thought I'd just share it with you. So, like, my personal. One of my personal fears that I've had for, you know, well over two decades is water, right? I don't mean drinking the stuff, like I like drinking this stuff, but I mean being in the water, right? So large bodies of water, that's a fear. You know, being on a boat heading across the Irish Sea or, you know, heading across from Picton to Wellington here in New Zealand, the rough ocean there, I don't love it. You know, the thought of going on a cruise and being out in the open sea. Yeah. Not my cup of tea. Captain Phillips, the film. Horrific. So deep end of the swimming pool, just as scary. Now, my mum and dad, certainly from a young age, encouraged us to get lessons and we went on lessons and I remember Mum and Dad taking us to the pool. And I think, you know, from a very young age, I enjoyed the water, but there was always this apprehension. And I remember my dad saying that often when I was even sitting in the bath, if, you know, he was pouring a cup of water over my head to rinse the soap from my hair, that often it would take my breath away. So this subconscious fear lay within for many years. But I guess what I want to share with you is that that cost me a lot and it cost me joy and it cost me experiences. You know, I traveled to beautiful places. Like, I remember Mum and Dad taking us to Mallorca, which is a little Spanish island, the Balearic Island. And I didn't get into the sea, I didn't get into the swimming pool. And if I did, I made sure it was where I could stand up. And then going to Canada, you know, I spent six beautiful summers in Vancouver, Canada, when I was 18. And yeah, I was living at a house that had a swimming pool and I'd get in rarely, I just sit by the pool and bake. So, you know, I was just avoiding these opportunities and then moving down to New Zealand, you know, spent a lot of time traveling to Fiji, Vanuatu, Samoa, and then in the last 10 years, been to Hawaii almost every year, pre Covid and again, just avoiding the water. So what an opportunity that I'm losing out on. Know, all the snorkeling around Australia that I could have done and swimming in, you know, beautiful warm waters of Thailand, traveling through there, I'd always avoid it. And to me, that's a great cost. When I, you know, let that fear really dictate what I was doing then, to me, that's such a loss. So I needed some Leverage to push through this fear. And my leverage, believe it or not, was Finn, my son, Finn. So when I became a dad, I. I decided, like, this is ridiculous. I can't not swim. Like, I gotta be able to swim. And for me, it was a couple things. One, I wanted to be able to help him if he needed my help in water. And two, I wanted him to see that, you know, dad was capable of some of these basic life skills. So he was my leverage. And, you know, a lot of things changed when Finn came along. A lot of my priorities and perspectives changed in habits as well. So for me, it was, okay, where do I go? Like, I know I want to do it, but it's such a strong, deep seated fear. So what I did is I went through this process of admitting it was fear. And to me, what fear stands for is false evidence appearing real. Right. To me, that's what F E A R stands for. False evidence appearing real. And we create that narrative in our mind. You know, if I was to ask you to think about your fear, whether it's, you know, a tarantula crawling over your face, whether it's a python wrapped around you, whether it's jumping out of an airplane, whatever your fear is, I want you to think about that and acknowledge that it's false evidence appearing real. Because you're not actually there yet. You're not jumping off that plane yet. And when you look at the statistics, you know, jumping off a plane or swimming in water, you know, the chances of dying from jumping off a plane or getting bitten by a shark, those chances are minimal compared to being injured or being killed in a car crash. And we jump in a car, most of us, every day of the week. Right. So first step for me was admitting that, you know, this is false evidence that that's appearing to be real. So, you know, what? Is the water that scary? No, it's probably not. Am I just adding this narrative and building it and making it bigger than what it should be? Yeah, yeah, I think I'm doing that for sure. So that was the first step, and then the second step was to create some different inner dialogue. So change the narrative. Right. And I call it incantations. So some people will call them, you know, positive affirmations. But for me, it was about changing that inner narrative. So to me, it was, I can't swim. Right. Such a negative narrative. Right. So I changed it to I am an amazing swimmer. And for me to believe that was like, so difficult to believe I'm an amazing swimmer. Why? Because I wasn't and I couldn't do it. I was not an amazing swimmer. So it was creating this narrative and then for me to like double down and actually start to believe that I needed to go to the next kind of level. For me, that was visualizing what the outcome would look like. So for me, it was like, okay, visualizing the motion of me swimming. Like, what does that look like? How do I. My first goal actually was just to float. Can I get into water, move to the deep end of that swimming pool and stay afloat? And so that for me was the first goal. So I visualize what those movements look like. So believe it or not, I jumped on YouTube. I was like, how do you tread water, right? How ridiculous some of you guys are thinking, James, this is like a basic life skill that a three year old can do, right? So here was a 30 year old trying to figure it out. So I looked at those basic motions and then I started doing them just sitting on my seat, like doing the motions. How crazy, right? Then I would visualize that. So I'd say I am an amazing swimmer. And I'd say it with feeling, like, I am an amazing swimmer. I wouldn't just kind of half ass it and pretend that I was an amazing swimmer. I'd say it to the point where my subconscious would start to believe it. Then I'd visualize the motions actually in my mind. I'd visualize the location. So for me, you'll laugh. The smell of chlorine, like walking close to a swimming pool would set me off. It would bring the fear on. It would get my heart rate up. It would make me sweat. Like, how crazy, right? So for me, it was like visualizing the scene, smelling the smells and experiencing the feeling. So started to feel like what it might feel like to float in deep water. And so that was a daily occurrence. And sometimes I was doing that two or three times a day. Now when we attach a stimulus to the incantations and the visualization, that's when we start to have some momentum built. So for me, one of the best stimulus to help me at a better frequency from my mindset point of view, to develop belief is music. Now as a drummer, that just comes naturally. For other people, it will be high energy activity, right? For me, it's music. So I got a track and a really like uplifting track. And when I was in the car, I would blast this music. I would say, I am an amazing swimmer. And I would visualize with my eyes open, but I'd visualize being at the Pool and the smells and the feelings and treading water, right? So I was going through all of this quite, you know, quite a process, quite a commitment. But all the while I was reminding myself, why am I doing this? Well, yeah, it's for Finn. It wasn't for me. Because often as humans, we will do more for others than we will for ourselves. Is that logical? Not at all. But it's what we tend to do for people we love. We tend to go above and beyond. So he was my leverage, right, Little Finn. Now, the next step was I've done all this visualization, all these incantations attached, the stimulus of music. Next step is actually take some action. This is where my fears started to level up again, right? So I wanted to go and get swim lessons. I wanted to go and get someone independently to teach me one to one. I didn't want to go to a group lesson. I wanted to get one to one. Why? Because I know that when you get one to one, it shortcuts the process. You can get there quicker, right? So I find this tiny swim school out in the countryside and I could get a one to one, 20 minute lesson. And I thought, that's not long. But I soon actually realized that 20 minutes was long for a beginner swimmer. So I get there, I'm nervous as heck, hell, I'm blasting that tune, I'm saying my incantations like a crazy guy. Driving to this lesson, right? First lesson, and I just dropped Finn off at his godmother's house who lived quite close by. And she knew and her husband knew I was going for the swim lesson. And they probably thought I was nuts as well. But I really needed to do it. So I got to the destination, starting to feel the nerves, starting to feel anxiety, go through some breathing techniques, do my visualization one last time. So I head into the venue. Right? Here's where it gets really challenging. Head into the venue. It's a small swimming pool and there's probably seven or eight mums sitting on chairs watching all of their kids get lessons, right? I'm the only adult in the building that's getting a lesson. Everyone is aged between like 4 and 12. And all these moms sitting watching their kids. I'm thinking, oh my goodness, what am I doing here? What am I doing? Like, it's not too late to leave. And I put hand on heart and say, I was so close to going, screw this. This is not for me. But I'd done so much work mentally beforehand, and I knew what my why was that? I Was like, no, I gotta stay. Who cares what these mums think? Like, this is for my boy. What I'm doing right now is for my boy. And I want to explain that a little more. Like as humans, we all have fears, right? One of the biggest fears is fear of humiliation, right? And studies have shown that humans would rather be, you know, hurt physically. Like physical pain, they'd receive physical blow or a hit, some kind of breakage of a limb. They'd rather do that than be humiliated in public. How crazy is that? But it's built in that we don't want to be publicly embarrassed or shamed or humiliated. Hence the reason that public speaking is so challenging for a lot of people. So my fear of humiliation kicked in. It's like, wow, I'm this 30 year old man standing in my swimming shorts at this pool with a bunch of kids who are getting one to one lessons and I'm about to get a one to one lesson. This is horrific, right? So so much of me was like, run, get out of here. But I'd done the work, I had a system and I knew my why. And so I got my lesson and it went fine. And then I came back the next week and did it again. So I did about probably seven or eight lessons and I started to build momentum and started to realize I can now tread water. The moment I treaded water was phenomenal, right? Just a simple, simple act like that. It was such a breakthrough for me. And part of the process for me is like, okay, when I do something where I'm facing a fear, doing something that's kind of a stretch, I feel it's really important to have a reward, right? We've got to have rewards. And I've talked with some of you guys before who've listened to some of the earlier episodes about the habit loop, right? We have a habit loop where, you know, we have this trigger that triggers the habit, then we have the actual behavior itself. But, but to finish the loop off, we need a reward and that releases dopamine. So for me, my reward was pretty huge because this was a huge fear. So my reward was to go to Fiji, to Tony Robbins resort at Namale and do the Life and Wealth Mastery. It was a 10 day, 7 to 10 to 10 day event. I can't remember, it's been a few years now. But the first half is all about life and the second half is all about wealth. And you do detox, you do colon cleanses. Let's not go there. You drink green. This you. It's Amazing. There's a real reset mentally and physically, spiritually and financially. Now I knew that going there, there would be Tony's big waterfall in the rainforest and at the bottom of the waterfall you can swim. And I knew on one of the days you get to walk there and have some downtime and go swimming. So I'll never forget the moment I got there and I had the confidence to get in before I just would have looked at the waterfall. But that's nice. I got into the waterfall and slowly moved myself away from the edge and floated and I was like, yes, I did it. I've got a photo. And I look back in that photo and yes, that's the reward. So for me that was a journey. I have to tell you that didn't happen in five minutes. You know, it wasn't a quick, I'm just going to swim, I'm going to get over the fear. So I want to say to you that a lot of people in their personal development sphere will talk to you about, you know, face your fears head on and push through them and be, you know, be strong and fight them. Fight your fear. For me it was different and I feel that everyone should approach it in their own way. But for me it was more so an acknowledgement and respect of that fear and then dancing with that fear, like, hey, let's kind of, I'll do a bit and push it and see how we go and then I'll get pushed back a little bit. You know, that pushback was the, you know, getting to the swimming pool and the humiliation and then I danced with it and got into the pool and that was me, you know, taking control again. And then the next week, you know, when I went back, I still had that fear of going in and should I or shouldn't I? So, you know, it's important to just approach it in the way that works for you. And not everyone wants to beat their chest and scream at their fears. Other people want to do it in a more sustainable way, want to do it in a, you know, more. To me it's a more heart centered way. For me it wasn't about, you know, getting the punch bag out and screaming and doing that. For me it was just gently moving towards it, putting the right infrastructure in place and having the outcome super important. Now you may ask, am I a triathlon swimmer now? No, I'm not. I'm not an amazing swimmer at all. But I can swim, I can do the basics, I can float. Now do I do it all the time? No. Now next Level for me is getting into cold water, right? My partner Caroline's keen to get me out there and get me into the cold water. So that's the next phase is getting into the sea when it's cold and trying to build that little bit of confidence there as well. So for me it's going to be an ongoing thing. But I've pushed through the initial fear. I've got some basic skills and it's given me the confidence to apply that to other fears. So I want to give you guys just those six steps, little overview of those six steps. So if you've got a fear, you can apply this process and it will help you push through, it will help you get to the other side, it will help you towards your desired reality, okay, of overcoming that fear or diminishing that fear. So step number one is you've got to admit that it's a fear and realize that it's false evidence appearing real. Second step is you've got to create more positive self talk. So create some incantations. So for me it was, I'm an amazing swimmer. So for you, think about your fear and then think about what it would be to be a badass in that realm and say, I am or I can, right? And then follow it with what it might be. Third, visualize your desired outcome. You know what motions, physical motions you might be taking, the location of where this fear might be overcome and the feelings, the internal feelings that you will be feeling whilst you're doing it. Four, attach a stimulus. So as I say, could be high energy movement like exercise. It could be music. Everyone's got different ways of lifting their frequency, but for me, music's a big one. Step five, take action. Don't just think about it, take some action. Now don't think that you need to take action right away. You know, it's healthy to get some infrastructure psychologically in place first, then take your action, right? So for me that was book a swim lesson, right? That's your action. Then show up and show up again and show up again. Repetition is what we need. And then lastly, number six, make sure there's a reward, right? For me that was a big reward. Heading away to Fiji to this life and wealth event. It was brilliant. So I want you to come up with a reward. And for you it could be a massage, it could be a trip away, it could be a nice dinner out, it could be a new piece of clothing, whatever it might be. You get to decide that, which is cool. So I want to wish you the very best in facing your fears and having fun whilst doing it, learning about yourself. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and just roll with it. And in fact, I'd love to hear from you if you have a fear that you know you're currently facing. Whether that fear is swimming, jumping out of planes, asking that person out on a date, or ending a relationship that you've been in for quite some time, I would love to hear from you. So be sure to drop me a DM on Instagram so I'm jameslochlanofficial over there. Or you know, drop me a line via my email and you can get in touch by my website. So jjlochlund.com but love to hear from you. Wishing you guys nothing but the best and don't forget to get out there and live life on purpose.

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