The Number One Social Skill To Make People Like You

The Lead on Purpose podcast is sponsored by NZ Mortgages. Learn more at nzmortgages Co nz. Did you know that people are three times more likely to like you if you ask them questions and genuinely listen? It's true. People love talking about themselves. Master this simple skill and you'll be instantly more likable. Let's break it down. I'm James Laughlin and on this channel we unlock your full potential through proven habits and strategies for personal mastery. We've all been in conversations where we feel like we're not being heard, we're not being listened to. You can see in the body language of the other person that they're somewhere else, they're listening to something else, they're focused on something else and it doesn't feel good. We feel unvalued. We feel like nobody hears us. Now, let's be honest, you and I are guilty of that as well. At times where someone's talking to us and we're vacant and we're distracted and we're waiting to ask them another question. But people who master influencing others know a couple of things that maybe you and I don't know. One of my friends is a guy, Chris Voss. Chris is a former FBI chief negotiator. He understands how to influence people greatly. The one thing he talks about a lot is this listening. Listening is the key to influencing other people. It's not telling, it's not charisma, simply the ability to listen powerfully. It's a skill I think that's lacking today. Why? Because we're in a fast paced world, we're moving a million miles a minute. When you can show someone that you're able to deeply listen, your ability to have some form of influence on them is significant. Now I'm not saying personal persuasion, I'm not saying manipulation, I'm saying influence, right? We want to use these tools for good. So we've got to really heighten our ability to listen. Did you know that asking questions, those simple things that we do to be curious. Research has proven that it actually activates the pleasure centers in the brain. When you're being curious, when you're asking good questions, you know, what do you most enjoy about life? What's the most incredible thing you've done with your family in the last month? Those types of questions where you're genuinely curious, it's not transactional and you're not ticking boxes. Hey, how's it going? What do you do for work? Where do you live? That's transactional. That doesn't Activate anything in the brain. But, hey, what are you most excited for this month? People pause. They think, God, that's a long period of time. Lots of things are happening. They start to think, their brain starts to fire up. So I want you to really understand that the research proves we can actually stimulate people's pleasure centers in their brain by simply asking better questions. You are a master at asking questions. Why is that? Well, at one point you were three or four, and you constantly said, but why? But why? But why? At some point, most of us stop asking, but why? Because teachers get annoyed with us, our parents get annoyed with us. And so we're told to be quiet and we become less curious. But it's innately built into us. We want to know. We want to discover and find out. When there's an open loop, what do we want to do? Close the loop. So I want you to tap back into that but why? Mentality. Tell me more. I'd love to know more about that. Tell me how you feel about that. Can we explore that a bit deeper? Hey, tell me how you felt in that moment. That kind of explorative curiosity really heightens people's pleasure centers. And if we want to be more liked, do we want to have better friendships, et cetera, which I believe we all do. We don't want to be disliked. But for us to actually move in that direction of having deeper connection and, you know, be more liked by other people, then it's important that we actually pause and not make it about us. Often when I'm delivering keynotes to sales teams, I talk about RAM syndrome. W R A M. World revolves around me syndrome. You've got it, I've got it. We've all got a bit of it. But if we want to influence others, do business with others, you know, increase our persuasion influence, go up the career ladder, it's important that we get the RAM syndrome in check. We need to make it. World revolves around others, not me. Has to be others. And when we make other people feel like the world is revolving around them and we're the person that makes them feel like that, of course they're going to want to spend a bit more time with us. Of course they're going to open up more. Of course they're more likely to want to do business, of course, as maybe someone working with you or for you, of course they're more likely to give you a bit of discretionary effort, go the extra mile when it really counts. So lead with curiosity. One of the simplest little things that I use A lot. Now, for those that listen to the podcast and listen to me interview, now that I tell you this, you'll probably pick up on it. I often say, hey, tell me more or tell me a little bit more about that. That's a very simple thing. Tell me more. You might want to rephrase it and go, let me hear a bit more about that. Hey, can you go a bit deep, right? I don't really understand what you're saying there. Can you explain that a little more? Use whatever language you want. But when you ask people for more, they are delighted that you're wanting more of their knowledge, more of their wisdom. So don't be shy in leading with curiosity, okay? I always say with people that I'm coaching, the fortune is in the follow up. You know, we leave so many opportunities on the table at work, in business, in life, maybe even in dating. For some of you guys, the fortune is in the follow up. If you don't follow up, nothing's going to happen. So lifting the phone, sending the text, following up and replying to that email, there's always fortune in the follow up. The same goes, if we want to increase our likability, if we want to increase our influence and have more friends, more business colleagues, we've got to follow up. The fortune is in the follow up here. What do I mean by that? Ask follow up questions, be more curious. Tell me more is one of those. Tell me more about that. But always following up. Chris Voss, again, the guy that I mentioned earlier who's world renowned in negotiations and he negotiated with terrorists, bank robbers, the lot. He's amazing. He has this one simple technique and I've used it and it's been hilarious because nobody knows you're using it and you're not using it for bad, but you're still using a technique. And you're like, my goodness, this is fascinating. It is working. This technique allows you to elicit way more from the person you're talking to. So it might just be at a cocktail party, it might be at the rugby, it might be in business, it might be in a negotiation, it might be with your relationship. But this one simple technique is fascinating. So what you're doing is you're listening to the person speak and you're taking some bullets in your head around what they've shared. But right towards the end, they often mention something right before they trail off. And usually they mention the thing that they're most excited about or that's most relevant. So they might, let's say they've been talking for 23, 24 seconds. And at the end they go, and I'm just so excited to take my son to the basketball on Sunday. What you respond with is, your son to the basketball on Sunday. Now, you can see what I've done there. I've repeated what they've said, but the inflection went upwards. And that made it sound like I was curious, like I wanted to know more, like, what does that mean, your son to the basketball on Sunday. So that little upwards inflection at the end just lets them know that I want to hear more without me saying, tell me more. You say that that set someone at work, and they're really pissed off with someone else, and they're talking about them and they're complaining, and they've spent the last 20 minutes venting to you. And at the end they go, you know what, John just really frustrates me. And they've told you so many other things, but at the end, to finish with that, John just really frustrates me. Your response, according to Chris's negotiation tactics, would be, he really frustrates you. They're going to come back and answer that. They're going to come back because you've. He really frustrates you. That's you going, I want to know more without saying, tell me more. It allows them to go, oh, you really care about me. Oh, you're interested. It's really powerful stuff. Now, I know salespeople will use this in their techniques. You need four doors. You need automatic. You want abs, huh? Tinted windows. I want you to listen more when people are trying to sell you. And great salespeople will use this technique where they'll hear you say something, then they'll repeat it back to you with an inflection of curiosity. Super simple. But I promise you, it will build rapport. And building rapport is all about moving towards having deeper, more connected relationships. And that likability factor goes through the roof. Another thing I wanted to share with you is this. Try approaching every conversation with a learner's mindset. You're going in not as the expert, but as the learner. Often the greatest coaches I've ever worked with or interviewed have been so curious, and they ask me lots of questions. I'm like, good. Why? Why are they asking me like, they. They coach the All Blacks. They coach the. Whatever it might be, PGA guy. Why are they asking me? Because great leaders and people who influence others know that being curious and having a learner's mindset is the way to build connection it's also the way to learn a lot. So I want you to think about making sure that you're leading with curiosity. I remember a really inspirational guy who was a CEO of New Zealand's largest commercial property company. And he approached me three or four years ago. I was working with one of his brokers, coaching them, and they were achieving some great results. So he approached me and said, look, I want to learn a bit more about what you do and your process and your framework. He ended up coming to one of our events. Two and a half day event. Two and a half days for someone who's running an incredibly large company with a lot of staff is a lot of time, time out of the office. So he flew down, came to the event, he was sitting right at the front for two and a half days, taking copious notes, doing the self reflection, setting his goals personally and professionally, asking questions at the break time and lunchtime. Hey, tell me more about this. What did you do this? Where did you learn that from? So refreshing. And you know, this guy was twice my age, twice my experience. I looked up to him. I was really, you know, wanting to learn from him, but he really led with curiosity, led with a learner's mindset and he went back and shared what he learned and empowered others. To me, there is something really unique about that. He stands out in my mind as a really influential person, a really likable person, a really successful person. You know, he's in his 60s, but he's still acting like he's in his early 20s, pretending. Well, he's not pretending. He knows he doesn't know everything. He's being totally genuine with that. And therefore he asks questions. He wants to know more. He's listening to podcasts, reading books, going to events, exploring his emotional quotient. Quite inspirational. I would love to challenge you around. Where do you sit with your growth mindset, with being curious, with asking people questions? Most of us like to speak a lot and share what's important to us. I want you to think maybe start in a safe space at home with sibling, a friend, a partner, and start to lead with curiosity. Speak less, listen more, ask good questions. I want you to try this today, get out there and ask questions, be curious, make it about the other person, try it with a couple of safe people. And remember, the key to being likable is simple. Ask questions, listen more and make it all about them. If you found this helpful, don't forget to like and subscribe and share with a friend. And I'm all about us. Refining and honing our skills, getting clear on what's most important. So please get out there and lead your life on purpose. The Lead On Purpose podcast is sponsored by NZ Mortgages. Learn more at nzmortgages.co nz.