In this conversational interview, host Speaker A relays a viewer’s concern about feeling lost and out of control while staying at home, especially after losing the routine and purpose that work provided. John Kenny, “The Relationship Guy,” interprets the core issue as a loss of purpose and explains how the brain reacts negatively to uncertainty and lack of structure. He advises the viewer to identify new purposeful activities—such as hobbies, learning new skills, or taking on household roles—to recreate a sense of contribution. Kenny emphasizes focusing on what can be done rather than what cannot, establishing daily routines, and creating personal certainty to calm the brain’s anxiety. He also discusses how breadwinners, regardless of gender, may struggle when their work identity is removed, and suggests that even those who dislike their jobs can benefit from finding comparable fulfillment at home. Throughout, Kenny blends psychological insight with practical, actionable suggestions to help the viewer regain a sense of purpose and reduce feelings of loss.
Chapters
So, our question for today, it's from a man.
Okay.
Yeah. I feel lost at home. In the beginning, it felt like a break staying at home. Now I don't know my place at home. I feel uncertain about the future. I feel so out of control. Yeah, yeah, he emphasized the lost. He feels so lost in this situation.
Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, it's— it sounds a little bit like purpose to me. Um, what, what is his normal purpose? It sounds like perhaps his normal purpose is to go to work. Um, and being at home, if, if you can't work, you generally lose your sense of purpose, um, and that would make you feel lost. He needs to find a role there, really. What was his purpose as the person in this relationship within the family? How can he find that purpose under these circumstances? So I would suggest that he tries to find something that makes him feel purposeful. It could just be like a hobby or something. If he— I mean, again, you know, most people spend so much time at work, they've got all this time on their hands now. What would make you feel purposeful? Would it be learning a new language? Would it be learning the guitar? You know, what would give you a sense of Is there a role you can take up within the house that will help you to feel that you're making a contribution?
Sure.
You know, if the partner is usually the one that does everything around the house, and, and, you know, I know there are some couples out there in the world that that's their space and they won't let you take anything away from them. So again, it is to find something for yourself. One thing that we have a tendency to do under these kind of difficult circumstances is always only concentrate on all the things we can't do. So try and think about the things you can do. So give yourself a sense of, okay, well, you know what, I can't do this, but actually, well, I can do this.
Mm-hmm.
And that again will help you to feel like you're making a contribution, that you've got a purpose, that you can fill your time up with something, you can feel useful. And it'll also help your brain to manage that sort of uncertainty, because by doing the things and focusing on the things that you can do, you're going to create a certain certainty for yourself. At the moment, everybody— a lot of people are dealing with uncertainty. Your brain doesn't like uncertainty because, again, it feels lost. So create some certainty as well, and I would suggest that that would help you to kind of not have that feeling of loss anymore. You are losing to a certain degree because you're not doing your normal stuff. So again, you might be losing financially, you might be losing certain other things, so— but try not to focus on that too much. Try and focus on what you can do rather than the things that you can't do, and find your place within the house where you are at the moment that gives you that sense of purpose.
So yeah, it must be, it must be really challenging for a lot of the bread— we could call them the breadwinners, right? They go out to work. Could be the male or female, you know, because those roles are so, you know, it doesn't matter nowadays, but either one You know, it must be so difficult for yourself to sit there and think, well, especially if somebody's managed the house for so long, if one partner's been managing the house.
Especially if you love your work, right, as well. If you love your work, you're missing out on something you really love. Or if you— even if you like your work, you know, you are missing out on something that you really enjoy, that fulfills you. So again, it's important that you try and find something in this time that gives you a similar or same feeling as you would get going to work. You know, it is difficult if you— I mean, it's okay, it's not so bad if you hate your job.
Yeah.
You don't want to be there, but it still means that you've got, like you said, maybe 8 or 10 hours a day that you would usually be doing something, and you feel at a loose end, you feel lost. So yeah, it is going to be a struggle, but it is about uncertainty. There's a lot of uncertainty. And like I said, our brain hates uncertainty, so let's try and create some certainty.
What does uncertainty do to us as human beings? What does it do?
Again, that brain— your brain doesn't like it. I mean, unless you're— again, we're going into the kind of psychology of stuff now— unless your brain lives off of chaos and really likes uncertainty and deals with change. I mean, again, if you're like a— if you're a person that deals with change really well, Then again, this isn't going to be so much of a big issue. Luckily enough, after 15 years in personal development, I like change.
Me too!
I love— change doesn't really throw me at all anymore. So this is difficult, but it's not making me feel anxious or anything at all because I've— I'm okay with the fact that this is, this is how it is. But psychologically, your brain doesn't sit well with it. It doesn't know what it's doing. It's unknown. People don't like the unknown. Your brain doesn't like the unknown because it leaves it in us— because our brain likes to know what it's doing, where you're going, and that gives us that sense of calm and sense of— what's the word I'm looking for— that sense of normality. Your brain likes routine. Your brain likes structure.
Yeah.
So again, try and create some of that for yourself so that your brain knows what you're doing. And then that'll alleviate some of this anxiety, some of this emptiness, this feeling of loss that you're experiencing. And that's, that's one of the reasons why this throws everybody. This is what an OCD is really. An OCD is keeping control of your life. You do things to keep control with an OCD. So therefore, your brain likes to have this sense of a linear pathway. But it's okay that this isn't linear, but you can create something in this, in this space that you're in at the moment which puts your mind at rest.
