In this YouTube interview, relationship coach John Kenny (The Relationship Guy) talks with host Pam about how couples and families can navigate the unprecedented challenges of having children at home and working remotely. He emphasizes the need to redefine roles and create clear structures for homeschooling, housework, and cooking, urging partners to share responsibilities rather than clash over who should do what. Kenny outlines practical communication tactics: start conversations by asking the other’s preferences, avoid "we should" and blaming language, use active‑listening phrases (e.g., "I hear what you’re saying"), and ask reflective questions about the appropriateness of each other's tone. He notes that persistent stubbornness or an inability to communicate may signal deeper relationship problems. Overall, the advice centers on collaborative planning, respectful dialogue, and using this unusual period as an opportunity to strengthen the partnership.
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Hi, John.
Hi, Pam.
So today you're going to give me your take on what might be going on in families and couples and stuff, so let's go with that.
Yeah, so you mentioned previously about people that are really struggling at the moment defining roles and things like that under these really unusual circumstances, because we've got so used to being in relationships where generally our roles are quite defined, and this is really throwing things into the mix. Obviously, you've got your kids at home where they used to be at school, you're going to be at home where you used to be at work. There's only so much housework you can do, I would imagine, but as a couple, this is really important that you come together, that you spend some time communicating. So how are you going to make this work? Don't just try and play it, you know, off the bat. This isn't gonna— it's not gonna work like that because this is too unusual. If you find that you're arguing or falling out or you don't know what to do, you're saying you should do this and you should do that, I don't know whether I should do that, whatever, come together, have a conversation, structure something. Who's going to be responsible for this homeschooling for the kids today? Who's going to be responsible for the housework? Who's going to be responsible for cooking? Can you share these experiences as a family and as a couple? Think about how you can work together rather than butting heads and thinking that you should be doing this and you should be doing that. Involve each other in your day, and that will help you to manage the difficulties that you're going through at the moment. It's like I said, this is such an unusual situation, you never And you're very, very unlikely to experience anything like this ever again. Um, but get something in place now that helps you. If again, if this— if you can't do that, I would suggest that you really kind of just need to look at your relationship as a whole anyway.
Yeah.
Because if you're not able to communicate, and if you can't come together, and if one of them— if one of the couple is being really stubborn and saying, no, we must do it like this, and we have to do it like that, I would suggest that that's probably not a healthy space that your relationship was in before this happened. But if you can come together, I would, you know, I think that'd be really helpful. But create some structure, create some responsibility, do things together. You know, so you're sharing it as a family, you're sharing it as a couple. Don't just rely on the other person to do this and that. Again, it's difficult if you're used to being at work all day and someone's used to being at home. You are coming into their environment, but actually, unless they've got some kind of issue around keeping control of their stuff, Yeah. Hopefully they'll just say, you know what, thank goodness for that, you're here to help. And you can again, but have that conversation, you know, make sure you ramp up the communication. I think that's a really important thing to think about during this time, is you really need to communicate. If they are so unusual, you need to make plans of how this is going to be managed.
Can I ask you, so when we're talking about communication, is there a certain method where you find that you're more likely to get a positive conversation with somebody? Is there a certain way of opening up that conversation?
Again, I think every couple's dynamic is different, or family dynamic is going to be different. But people generally want to be heard, so I would suggest that you ask, what do you want to do? How do you want to handle this? What do you think is best for us in this situation? Get some ideas from them first, and then say, yeah, okay, well, I agree with that idea. Maybe I don't agree with this idea. My thoughts on it are this. Stay away from the we shoulds, we have tos. Definitely stay away from the you make me feel lines and the blaming lines. You're making me feel suffocated. No, you feel suffocated because of the situation. I'm not making you feel that way. You're making yourself feel that way. I wouldn't say that.
Okay.
But just understand that, you know, if you go down the accusatory language thing, again, that, that's going to be really unhelpful. People like to, like I said, like to be listened to. So when someone says something to you, say, you know, I hear what you're saying. What I think is this, or what I feel is this, so that initially what they're doing, that they're feeling heard. You're not immediately going to dismiss what they've got to say. And if you feel that you're being immediately dismissed by somebody as well, maybe again, it's difficult depending on the nature of your relationship and how healthy it is and the first place. But just say, okay, I understand what you're saying, but I don't think you're really hearing what I've got to say either. Do you think the way that you're talking to me is appropriate under these circumstances? I love that one, the appropriate one, because it makes them think about what they're doing and what they're saying first.
Got that.
Even though they might say, yes, I do, you're making— you're not accusing them of anything, you're just asking them to think about what they're doing. Again, this all will come down to how healthy is your relationship in the first place, as to how easy this is going to be, but there are a few things there you could try in order to make this function a lot more smoothly, and where you both get your needs met at this difficult time.
That's great. I mean, yeah, just listening to you, it makes a lot of sense. All of what you said is getting some structures and, you know, working together as a team, and this time, like you said, it It's never happened before, and it hopefully won't happen again, but it is a real time to bond and create together, of create the next 6 months or whatever time it's going to be together. That's what I got from that, and, you know, that's really helpful.
