Life Mastery May 2020 - Part Two

Earlier on, if you were with us, I spoke about the bicycle effect, which is the basic concept behind interpersonal relationship coaching. Now, during that talk, we touched on the idea of understanding yourself. And one of the reasons that I wrote the book, The People Program, was to help you to do exactly that. The People Program is a coaching book. It's a 6-part coaching book. The first part of the book will talk to you a little bit about the story of my life, how I learned to understand myself, how I learned to understand how relationships worked, and go through some stories. with some explanations about the outcomes of those experiences. The second half of the book is about how you can ask yourself the same questions in order to find the answers that you need in order to change your life. We had a question from one of the people watching early this morning on how we're able to do that. So I'm going to run through with you now the PEOPLE program, 6 parts. And just to tell you a little bit more about how you can start to ask yourself the same questions that I asked myself when I was writing the book. So the People Program is how to overcome your blocks to success. By understanding what's really going on in your life, what's really going on in your mind, and giving you tips and techniques on how you're able to change that. As I said, the first part of the book is about my story, but we all have a story. It was only when I understood what my story was and the story I kept playing out that I was able to change what I was doing. The coach I had at the time told me that you keep telling yourself the same story, why don't you just start living something else? And that really helped me to understand that I didn't have to keep doing the same things over and over and over again and ending up with the same results. I think that's Einstein's definition of insanity, right? So I decided to implement changes in my life which were able— enabled me to live the kind of life that I wanted to live and stop doing the things I was doing in order to keep me stuck in these really horrible spaces. So here is The People Program. So originally I started to write the book because being a transformational relationship coach, it was to look at the success of your relationships. So why you find yourself in toxic and unhealthy relationships or pattern repeating and finding yourself in relationships you don't really want to be in. Then I realized as I was writing the book that not only were my relationships affected by the way that I was thinking, but I realized it was also a barrier to all of my other issues in life and was stopping me being successful in any area. So when I was an athlete, I used to run for Great Britain back in my late teens and early 20s. I would completely self-sabotage my ability to be successful, and although I did reach that level of success running for the country, I could have run a lot faster. I would turn up to events where it was raining and really windy, and I'd run a really good time and have a really good race. because there was no pressure on me to run well. But when I had ideal sprinting conditions, I would run like a bit of a sack, more or less running very similar times to the ones I was running in windy and rainy conditions because I would self-sabotage. I'd go down on the block sometimes and I would be singing songs in my head rather than focusing on the race. That I was supposed to be taking part in. As Natasha said earlier on, top athletes, they replay the idea of winning and results over and over in their head in order to try and achieve those results. And then when they actually do do that, it's not such a surprise to their body. You've convinced yourself of what you're going to be doing, and you're just trying to tell your body to do the same type of thing. Whereas I was going down in the blocks telling myself, like singing little songs and thinking about what to have for dinner and all that kind of stuff, and therefore I'd run a really bad race. But when I ran a good race, I was completely focused on it because all the pressure had been taken off of me, or I should say I'd taken all the pressure off of myself. So the first P of PEOPLE is your problem. So we can't even begin to understand what needs to be changed without first looking at the problems that we've got. I wouldn't take my car— well, I could take my car, I guess— and just say, I've got a problem with my car, can you just change this and change that and then see if hopefully it will work? We usually need to do a bit of a diagnostic. Once we find out what the problem is, we're able to put things in place to be able to change those. I like to say that if you can understand, then you can accept. It's really hard to accept something if you don't really understand what the problem is. So if I was to have a conversation with you that you— and you didn't really understand it, it would be difficult for you to be able to do anything with it. But if we could have a conversation where you could understand and then you could learn to accept the things I was saying, then it's much easier for us to be able to move on. So when we're looking at the problems, what I would suggest that you do— so grab a bit of paper and pen if you haven't already got that— is just to write a list of the problems that you might have in your life. So the things that make you feel that there's something wrong, that you're unfulfilled, That you're finding it difficult. And just try and understand what the real problem is. Now we're all under— there's a bit of an issue obviously at the moment with us being under lockdown, so that is a problem. But is that responsible for actually how you feel at the moment? What's the real problem behind it? What problem is it causing you? See if we can sort of break it down into smaller chunks. So then we can have a look at what those problems might be. I won't get you to do that now because it will take far too long, but just jot down that the first thing that we need to look at is the problem. The first E of the PEOPLE is the emotions. So as I said earlier on, if you were around for the bicycle effect, that we are driven by our emotions. I think it's Tony Robbins that says emotion, the emotions cause motion. So if we have a feeling about something, then that will drive us to react in a certain way. And if we don't have an emotion to it, generally we don't really care too much and it doesn't We don't really want to do anything about it. With your emotions, what are you feeling? Are you able to recognize what your true emotion is as well? So I like to think of things like anger as a secondary emotion. You don't immediately get angry. You get angry about something. And the feeling that you're originally going to get will lead to you getting angry. Generally, that's something around about pain. Nobody likes to feel pain. And again, as I said earlier on in the bicycle effect, pain is one of the things that our brain likes to run away from. And if you can put a different mechanism in place to deal with your pain, then you will. So think about how you feel. So if you are angry about something, How do you really feel? What's triggering your anger? So really look at your own feelings. So when I would— I got the road rage, I was angry, but it was because I was feeling disrespected. So see if you can figure out what your real emotions are. And why they're there. So the meanings. So again, this morning we talked about meanings. What meanings are you giving to certain situations which cause these emotions to happen? Are you telling yourself that you're being disrespected, um, and therefore you're going to feel disrespected? So check in to see where the meanings are for the feelings that you get. The O of the PEOPLE program is operate. So how we act and why we do what we do. A lot of the things that we do which cause us problems might feel like a bit of a compulsion, and that's when the urge to do something overrides our kind of rational and stable brain to be able to stop ourselves from doing it. And then generally what we're doing that for is because there's a need that we've got. We are driven by our needs. And if those needs are maladaptive or unhealthy, then we will be driving ourselves forward to achieve things, to do things in order to meet those needs, even though they may be causing us problems. Our compulsion comes from the emotions and how we feel. So again, we need to tap into those emotions and then figure out how we are operating. What are we doing? How are we acting? What kind of actions are we taking that compel us to act in a certain way? If you can figure out how you operate, then we can have a look at the outcomes of those behaviours and see if they're actually suited. So serving you with a positive purpose or not. Something I touched on earlier as well was patterns. Now, patterns are really, really important to recognize because they are repetitive. They will lead us back to the same space over and over and over again. And if that space that we keep returning back to is unhealthy for us, makes us sad, unfulfilled, angry, disappointed, then what we need to try and do is have a look at those patterns to see what actually are we doing. And the patterns will lead us to experience the most negative outcomes in life. Generally, that's the case because it's a repetitive cycle. So the pain that you feel the first time then escalates the second time, the third time, the fourth time, and so on. So therefore, if you are on a repetitive pattern of behavior, each time that happens, you become less and less resistant to it, less and less tolerant of it. More and more pain builds upon more and more pain, and it can lead to the really the most negative outcomes that you experience. It all comes from our subconscious. Um, so what we need to do is check into what our subconscious might be telling us. So is our subconscious telling us that we need to be on our own, which was my subconscious message? So was I creating these patterns in my life in order to get a certain result? So the message of being on my own was telling me that I needed to do that. You might find that you'll do different things, or different things will happen in your life which will lead you to the same Spot. It may not be exactly the same, but you might end up with the same emotions or in the same space, but the actions that you're taking are quite different in order to get you there. So do you find if you're going around in these patterns that you actually end up in a specific space, and can you figure out what that space is? So questions to ask yourself. Number 1, What are your triggers? So what sets you off on this path? What sets you off on this pattern? Are there things that people do, things that people say? Are there certain situations that make you feel a certain way, make you do certain things? So understanding what your triggers are. Does your behaviour trigger something in other people? So I spoke about this a bit in my book as well, that I would do certain things in order to get people to act in a certain way so that I could get back to my space. So if I was in a healthy, happy relationship, I would become a bit of an arse, and in order to push that person away from me, because I didn't really know how to handle the niceties of a relationship and how to be close to someone, So I would then act in a way which would push them away. So what does my behaviour trigger in other people? Do I want people to care? Do I want people to be angry at me? What is it that I'm trying to achieve by the things that I do? And the routine that you follow— what routine are you following? Notice that you will follow the same type of pattern every time. In order to get to a certain result? Do you notice that it's after a certain amount of time that you put these things into place, so you're happy for maybe 3 or 4 months, and then after those 3 or 4 months comes in, that then your problems start? Is it when you have conversations with people about how well that you're doing that you then start to self-sabotage? Do you feel a certain connection to somebody and then want to back away? It's really important that you check out what that might be. And what do you need other people to do? So you're triggering other people to do certain things in order for you to feel a certain way. So you're acting out in order to get people to follow you, to follow what you want them to do in order to get you back to that space. So just check, do you notice a certain behavioral pattern in other people? Do you trigger things in other people that get you to return back to your space? And then what is it you think you're ultimately trying to achieve? So as I said before, my safe space was to be on my own. I didn't really know how to connect with people because it made me feel massively uncomfortable, and it was better, safer for me to be by myself. So therefore I would return to that space every time. So what would your space be? What ultimately is the result you're trying to achieve? So quickly go through the last couple of parts. The likelihood of things not being what they're going to— things are going to be like if you don't change. So what's your future going to be like if you continue to use the same types of strategies in your life? If you can future project, if you feel this way now, is it going to get any better unless you change things? As I said right at the beginning about the story, you're telling yourself a story based on all of your history and your experiences, and is it time for you to turn over a blank page and start to write something else? Can you change your story? Well, yes, you can. You can't change the past, but you can change the way your future works. So get a blank page, start writing your new story. Think about how you'd like things to be. What do you want for your life? How would that be different to what you've got and what you've had? And will you make the changes necessary to make this happen? As I said earlier on, again, with the bicycle effect, that we have this thing called resistance. It's when we put the brakes on when we, when we try and change things. because it'll feel too uncomfortable. One of the things I've got on my membership site is the cycle of change, and that really helps you to understand that in a bit more detail about the phases of change that we go through and why they— we might find that difficult at times. But will you make the changes? Although we can't go back and make a brand new start, we can start now and make a brand new ending. What is the ending you desire, and how are you going to go about making that happen? And the last part of the PEOPLE programme teaches you how to put everything together. So once you've worked out what your problems are, what your emotions are, how you act, what your patterns are, and then you look to your future to see what the things might turn out to be and actually what you'd like them to be, we put it all together, consolidate the learning that you've got about yourself Enable you to put changes in place that makes your life the way that you want it to be. Remember to take one thing at a time. Don't try and change too much at once because generally that freaks your brain out and it really will hinder your progress if it makes it an overwhelming experience for you. Change can be difficult at the best of times. Small steps Equal a massive walk. So just think about that. You don't have to do all of this at once. You may have jotted down quite a lot of problems in your life, or maybe you've just got one or two. The changes that you need to make may seem overwhelming, but it's about taking this all one step at a time. And it's about consistency. Consistency is the key to change. You don't really learn how to do something new unless you put it into practice on a regular basis. So reinforce your knowledge. Keep reminding yourself of the changes that you want to make, everything that you want in your life, just to remind yourself what it is that you're looking for. And as I've already said, consistency is key. If you go to the John Kenny Coaching website, we have now got a membership page. So the membership site is all things coaching. All around the interpersonal relationship coaching approach. And as you can see, at the moment we are offering a special price, an opening offer of £49 a month with a minimum term of 3 months. Even though it says term, I need to change that. And/or if you wanted to book, join up for 6 months, it's only £234. So you're saving £10 a month off the normal membership. The membership page here just tells you all about the membership. You're actually on the YouTube at the moment, and one of the videos in there will tell you all about the membership itself. Once you've joined up, let's open that up. Where are we? Is that gone? I can't see this. Maybe this one. Let's have a look. Bear with me for one second. Why is that not open? There we go, that's why. Sorry about that. Okay, once you've signed up to the membership site, you will get access to all of the content. So all you need to do is log in. So we've got an audio program here, the How to Create a Positive Mindset in 3 Weeks audio program, and then you've got your 6-week stress management video program. There's a copy of the People Program book, so you'll get a PDF version of that to download. There's the Bicycle Effect book and video, and on these, as you move down here, these are where your downloadable PDFs will be. So if you're looking to reach your goals and dreams, Then what we need to do is just click onto the goals page, and there you have a list. All of these things in blue here, they're all downloadable PDF sheets for you to be able to click on, download, read through, copy, do what you want with them because they'll be yours. If you want to understand yourself a little bit more, Again, just click on the page. There's the sheets here. All you need to do is just click on the list of sheets there. They're all exercises and coaching tips and tools and stuff that you can use. And then right at the bottom, there's a couple of hypnotherapy downloads as well. So how to manage your anger via hypnotherapy, and also helping you to sleep better via hypnosis. So you can listen to those whenever you need to. As I said earlier, we are doing the monthly membership at £49, and all you need to do is to go to www.johnkennicoaching.com/membership. They— on, on that page there, you'll be able to have a look at the details of the membership And then you can sign up for the 6 months at £234 instead of £294, which is how much it would usually cost for 6 months. Or you can sign up for the monthly membership, which is £49 a month, and you can gain access to all of the coaching on there. Not only that, we will be holding live Q&A sessions. So if you want to delve into the world of coaching and you're not really sure if you're ready to take the plunge in speaking to a coach themselves at the moment, Then we will have live Q&A sessions running throughout the month where you can send in questions or come on live with myself, and we'll be answering questions around coaching, relationships, and everything that you need to know. And we will also be doing live webinars, so live webinar trainings will be included, and then they'll all be recorded and popped onto the website so you can revisit those anytime you like. If you are interested in one-to-one coaching and you'd like to know more on a more personal basis, then you can also contact me, John Kenny, at www.johnkennecoaching.com and just click on the contact button there, or drop me an email at john@johnkennecoaching.com, and we can talk about what the coaching that you need in your life.