John Kenny reflects on how his upbringing shaped his relationship patterns, from seeking attention through athletics to needing control in relationships. He argues that self-awareness is the first step to breaking cycles, and that trying to control outcomes is itself a form of control that keeps him stuck.
Chapters
So I grew up with people not feeling people really cared about me, so therefore I didn't really care about myself. I felt that I wasn't allowed to be me, that I had to conform to fit in. And I then chose a specific way of being in order to be that person. The athletics changed that because it was all about me, and I was really good at it, so I got a lot of attention, and it's the attention I didn't get when I was growing up. If you don't identify what it is that you're doing, then you're not going to be able to change anything, because it doesn't matter what anybody else does, so long as you are aware of what you're doing, then it doesn't really matter what anybody else does because you can keep yourself centered in the space that you wanna be in. You can keep yourself focused on the things that you want to do regardless of what anybody else might be doing around you. You know, the world influences you all the time. People influence you all the time. You're not in complete control of your life. In fact, the only way you can ever really be in complete control of your life is to let go of control. Because then you're in complete control, because you're just going to let things happen and know that you'll deal with them as they come up. But if you're keeping yourself in your own positive space, or the space that you need to be in to, to do what you need to do and feel the way you want to feel, then, you know, it takes a lot to shift you from that. I forgot who I was because I became responsible for everybody else's feelings. And I wanted people to feel a certain way so that my needs were met. So therefore I changed who I was, or I only allowed certain parts of myself out in order to make that happen. And if people were unhappy about the bits that I exhibited that they didn't like or didn't accept, weren't comfortable with, I would then put those parts to one side and just be the person that— I'm not happy with you. I thought they wanted me to be. So if my relationship experience and the idea about myself is leading me to look for certain things, so I'm looking to tell myself that relationships are not sustainable, I'm looking to tell myself that if you experience love, it's quickly taken away from you, I'm always going to find relationships that will tell me that's the same thing.
