191: Ensuring Your Best Days Are Ahead, Not Behind You, with Antonio Neves

Hello everyone, this is Kathy Caprino and welcome to my podcast, Finding Brave. I've created this show for everyone who longs to create something bold and brave in their life. To rise up, speak up and stand up for who they are and to reach their highest and biggest visions. Each week I'll be speaking with inspiring guests from all walks of business, leadership, entertainment, the creative arts and the entrepreneurial world. And they'll be sharing their intimate stories of Finding Brave and offer their best strategies for building your most rewarding, joyful and meaningful life, business and career. Speaking of that, I'm thrilled to share that my new digital course, the Most Powerful youl, is available now. This transformative eight module training course is based on my top selling book, the Most Powerful youl and is designed to help you close what my research has revealed are the seven most damaging power gaps that keep 98% of professional women from thriving at the highest level and reaching their most thrilling, rewarding potential. In the course, you'll be taught transformative action strategies and mindsets from me and from more than 30 of the nation's top experts that will help you experience dramatically more power, confidence, communication, skill, leadership growth and authority over what transpires in your work. And you'll be guided on how to take the seven brave pathways to career bliss, which are Brave Sight, Brave Speak Brave, Ask Brave Connection, Brave Challenge, Brave Service and Brave Healing. If you're finally ready to close your power gaps and rock your career, visit mostpowerful you.com and join the course today. And if you'd like to learn more about these seven gaps and how to close them, take my free webinar 7 Ways to Rapidly Elevate youe Career. You can find that@mostpowerful you.com elevateyourcareer. Thank you and I hope to see you there. Hello everybody. Welcome to Finding Brave. This week. How are you? I was, I was a little bumpy, I have to say this this week. Little bumpy, little tired, a little too much tennis. But the minute I get on here to record, my energy goes because it is so, so fun and such an honor to have guests like, like our guest today, Antonio Nebz. I got that right? That's how we pronounce it, Antonio, right? Even though I've known you eight years, I should know that I'm so grateful for your time for being here. Thank you. And folks, you are in for such a treat today. We are going to be talking about how to ensure your best days are ahead of you. And you know what's Fun. Can I share with you, Antonio, when I read what we're going to be talking about, you know, through our and I think about it, I swear things come into my mind that really wouldn't have. So I feel like, I feel like I'm in a master class of life doing this podcast. So I was making coffee before we got got here, thinking, how do I feel about my life this minute? What would I change and are the best days ahead? And I think they are. And I, we're going to talk all about this, but I really think that there's nothing I would change, even the worst, even the bumpiest, because how could I be who exactly who I am having the children I have and the relationships I have and the work, if I cut out, you know, 30% of it. So thank you for this amazing question. How to, how do we make sure even at my ripe old age, it's not old? Take that back. My ripe age or if you're 20, 30 or 40, how do we ensure the best days are ahead? So there we go. Now let me tell you about Antonio, folks, before we dive in. Antonio believes that the best thing to happen to you has not happened yet. He teaches principles and actionable strategies to ensure that your best days are ahead of you, not behind you. An internationally recognized speaker, speaker and coach, Antonio has delivered hundreds of keynotes across the globe to some of the largest brands. Gosh. On the side. I want to talk to you about all this, including Google, Starwood, Hotels and resorts worldwide, Stanford University, and so, so much more. An award winning broadcast journalist. Holy cow. You spent 10 years working as a correspondent, reporter and producer with top networks including NBC, PBS and bet. You are the author. Antonio is the author of three books. Good grief, you're cramming a lot into your amazing life. One of your books is 50 Ways to Excel in your first job and in life. And your next book is coming out from Penguin Random House. You got to tell us about that and your amazing new podcast, the Best thing. You talk with fascinating people about the best thing that has happened to them that is not going to appear on their resume or bio. Oh, what a theme. So thank you so much, Antonia. I can't wait. Let's dig in. You know what I want to ask you first, you have mentioned very openly and you know vulnerably that part of why you're doing this work is in 2016, you had kind of what I call a breakdown breakthrough moment. Is that right? A moment where you said, hang on, folks, can you tell us about that and how that catalyzed what you're doing now.

Absolutely. That seems like first, it's a joy to be here on this with you. And you have such a soothing voice. I wish you could talk. I could hear your voice all the time.

Thank you, my dear.

2016, which seems like another lifetime ago on paper with Wild Cathy. And I'm sure you've experienced this and so many of your listeners have experienced this on paper. Everything was going perfect in my life. I was giving over 40 keynotes a year all across the world. You just mentioned I was coaching some amazing clients. I was writing for a variety of top outlets. I'm a guy who's married, had a couple of healthy twins in my life that were about 1 years old. And what's wild is while all these things on the Internet, on social media were going right, like this guy is winning, I couldn't have felt more empty inside. What? What irony. Like, hold on a second. Everything is going great. I've checked off the boxes that I've life that society has told me to check off to accomplish this American dream. Yet here I am feeling off having clique with my wife, not being able to connect with these brand new kids that I'm responsible for. While more is being asked to me than ever before, I wanted to retreat. And I found myself in a place where I was ending my evenings by sedating and I would sedate by watching those Netflix episodes over and over again to the point, you know, that screen comes up and it says, hey, are you still watching? And I'm like, yes, I'm still.

That's dang binging the beep beep beep. Right? Yep.

Stop judging me, Netflix. That one glass of wine could easily turn into two glasses of wine or three just to date. So I didn't have to feel the different things that were going on in my mind. And I really knew something was going on when I had some challenges, Kathy. Because I found myself picking up a brand new vice that I hid successfully for quite some time. This is kind of funny, but not funny. I found myself on a regular basis in Santa Monica street alleys wearing. By the way, when a story begins with an alley, you think the worst. It's not that bad.

I'm thinking that. What? Oh my God, what is it?

Wearing a bright green gardening glove, smoking Camel Crush cigarettes. I became a secret cigarette smoker. So stressed out. And just to give you some background, I despise cigarette smoking. I smelled like a cool mild cigarette my whole life because I come from a family of Smokers when I was a kid, and you'd ride around as a kid in the car, you know, your mom or grandma or somebody, smoking. It was just something I said I would never do. Yeah. So I found myself doing this, like, just wearing this bright green glove so my wife wouldn't smell it. Bringing extra T shirts so she wouldn't smell it when I came home. Until one day I was out smoking one of those cigarettes, and a homeless guy came up to me and he said, hey, can I bum one of those cigarettes? And I was like, yeah, no problem. He asked me about the green gardening glove. He's like, yo, what's up with the green gardening?

What a story.

Smoke. And then he said to me, he said, hey, man, you got to figure that s h I t out.

Oh, my God. What an angel. What an angel.

That was a moment.

That's an angel in your life.

Hit me in the face in such a powerful way that I'm sitting there smoking. This guy, who knows, he looked like he had seen many better days. And he told me I had to figure that out.

That you needed.

He was the angel that I needed that moment. And that did set me on the course to course correct. And the irony in that is that so many people, after my talks, would come up to me, even though they didn't know all of this at the time. Thank you for talking. Blah, blah, blah. I'm not as happy as I look on Facebook. Or they would say, I'm not as successful as I look on LinkedIn. So I realized I wasn't the only person kind of going through what I was going through, and even the clients that I was coaching. By the way, like a lot of coaches, I have a gift of helping people navigate through the exact same challenges that I'm going through. It was so funny, but so I realized I wasn't the only one. I think one of the challenges is that when it looks like you're winning and you checked off those boxes, we have this internal guilt, like, of who am I to complain? There's so many people who have valid things to complain about. Who am I to. I've, quote, unquote, made it. So that's a place where I find myself in 2020.

Isn't it also that I've lived exactly what you're talking about? When you look, the veneer is so shiny, and people admire you for that. There's this horrible feeling of the disconnect. I mean, there's guilt, but there's also confusion because people are admiring you and appreciating you and applauding you when internally you are going through things that. That are so not what that looks like. It's hard. It's hard, right?

Extremely hard. And it's such a conflict to be this man or woman that shows up on a stage that can light up a room of 5,000 people or 3,000 people or a hundred people, the guy that worked in television for so long, that you can connect with others, but like you said, you're not connecting with yourself. Like, you can turn it on for others. But how do I do this for myself? How do I do this for my family? So I agree with you 100% that it's such a contrast.

So what did you do? What did you do? And what can we learn from? I mean, what you went through was a kind of existential crisis. You know, it is, what the heck am I doing? I work so hard for all of these things, and I feel awful ins. What did you do? And what can we learn from that?

Well, I did a variety of things. One, that moment, talking to that homeless man who asked for those cigarettes really did kind of set me straight. It was a moment that I had to remind myself. So many other people have to remind themselves, and that is that I have a say in this, that this isn't over. You know, I felt like I was in the middle. Nowhere near the beginning of my career and nowhere near the end. And I was like, kind of, what next? And around this time, I remember hearing about the story of the University of Texas football coach. And back in 2006, they won a big national championship football game against California. That's cool. It's a football story. They were the underdog, and University of Texas won. What I loved about this story, Cassie, was that in the locker room, the coach told these young men who just did the biggest thing they ever thought they could achieve, a national championship. He said, congratulations, men, on winning this national championship, and please don't let this be the best thing that ever happens to you.

Darn it, that makes me cry.

Imagine that you 21, 26, been like, what exactly? What are you talking about, man? That's one of the national champions.

What a wet blanket. What did he mean? From what you know about the best thing, what did he mean?

Yeah, this shows up in my book. He said, great citizens, Please go on to be great fathers. Please go on to be great husbands. Maybe let this be the best sports thing that happens to you, but don't let this be the best life thing that happens to you. So I Thought at that point, 2016, my best days were behind me. Getting married, having kids, graduating from college. Those things that society tells you are the best things. And I realized I had to basically not. You know, we talk about commitment a lot, the word commit. What I needed to do was recommit, because it's easy to commit on those New year's resolutions on December 31. But what most of us won't do is recommit. Commit every single day to what's most important. So I did what a lot of people. I hired a coach. It was so funny that here I am coaching so many people. Yeah, I wasn't getting coaching. I started going back and getting some counseling to get that support and guidance for myself. But also what I had to do, Kathy, was go back and ask myself, what do I want? What do I want or don't want? Now, society will tell you quickly what you want if you're not paying attention. It's kind of like getting in a car and you can start driving and you're checking all the. All these boxes, but you can end up somewhere you don't want to be, but where society wants you to be. And I'd ask myself, where do I want to be? So I did a few things, again, beyond getting that support from coaches, from doing different type therapy. I had to go back to my youth and ask myself, how did I get where I am today? And one thing I found that I lost Cathy at that point in 2016, even though again, I was winning in society, at some point I had stopped being bold, and at some point I stopped being courageous. At some point I had taken my foot off the pedal, if you will, and I was coasting in many ways in life now, according to society and outside looking in. It was a good coasting, but I knew I wasn't really pushing myself the way that I wanted to push myself. I knew I wasn't doing things the way that I wanted them to do. I realized in many ways that I stepped into the television career for validation, for validation purpose. I was seeking validation. And it took me probably to that time in my life to realize that no profession, no outside source can validate you. You validate you if you believe in a higher spiritual power that validates you. It's kind of like with social media, if someone always asks you, like, hey, how can I get that blue check mark? And you got to say, you know what you were? You were verified the day that you were born. You don't need a blue check mark to verify you. So I Asked myself what it looked like to be bold and courageous again. I thought about that kid that moved to New York City with $700 in his bank account with goals of breaking into the television industry and where that guy disappeared to. I thought about how I used to show up professionally. And it's crazy, and you probably know this as well. It's crazy when you can get up in front of, like, 4,000 people.

Do.

A great job with coasting, ask myself, how am I being lazy? How can I stretch myself? How can I grow?

Can I ask you to repeat that, Antonio? It's crazy that you can get up in front of 5,000 people and inspire them, but internally you're coasting. Is that what you said?

Yes. That's one of those things where like, sometimes, you know, what's wild, Cathy? Sometimes, you know, your 75% can be a lot better than someone else's 100%.

And don't you think that.

But listening.

Right, I'm sorry. I think that part of why you energize is you're charismatic. Let's be honest. There's a charismatic energy about you. So sometimes we can inspire people. Like what you're saying at 75%, because there's some charisma there that's just given, you know. Yes. I think we can develop that a little. But it's either given or not. You know what I'm saying? You have that. Like, just listening to you, it's almost ministerial. Like, I could see you in a pulpit, really inspiring masses. But I think that there's a disconnect, because it's being bold that inspires us every day. It's. It's not that charisma that we wake up with. That's who we are. But what you're talking about is who am I and what matters? Can I. Can I make two points and see if what you think.

Please.

When you said you had to recommit and then you changed kind of the term. I think where people go wrong is doing the things that society says are great, that we think are important, actually gets us on a path of not being bold anymore because we're scared to risk those things. You know, I've kind of never really thought of it exactly in this way, but the boldness, the finding brave gets dulled because we work so hard for these things and we thought they were going to be helpful. And we're miserable and depressed, but yet we're not ready to sacrifice and compromise those things. Do you agree?

I agree 100%. I agree 100%. I think there's a story that illustrates that well that I tell them my forthcoming book. And these two fashion designers that started a really successful street label in New York City, the 90s, were being interviewed. And during the interview, at some point, the person was reminiscing about New York city in the 1990s. And he said something to the extent of all, man, I really miss the old New York, what it was like back in the day. And his business partner corrected him and said, you don't miss the old New York. You miss the old you, who you were. So to your point, Kathy, those boxes, off we go far away. And just a 1 degree pivot can have you going somewhere totally different in one year to five years. It's 20 years. You missed the old you and I missed the old me, who I was. And I had to think about, hey, remember when I used to do great work? When did I transition to doing good work and back to committing? A thing I like to do with audiences sometimes and even clients is do this whole 30, 30 day test. And I say, hey, think back to the last 30 days at work, and if that person, your manager, had to make a decision whether or not to rehire you based on their last 30 days, would they immediately say yes? Most people say no based on the last 30 days. They would not. You got that job interview, you were when you got that phone call and they said, we want you think about who you were that first week on the job and how you showed up those first couple of months, how much of that man or woman still exists and how you show up at work. It's an opportunity to act like this is day one again at the job. Whether you love your job right now or not, and you choose to pivot in the future, how can you treat it like day one based on the last 30 days? Equally, I just look at my marriage like based on the last 30 days. If your wife had to make a decision to recommit to you based on how you did or did not show up, would she immediately say yes? I can honestly say there were many, many times that my wife would not have recommitted to me. And I understand completely. We had to go through a lot of work to get back on the same. And even with my kids, based on, you know, how I showed up for them early on, even though they were, you know, young infants and young kids, would they have immediately recommitted me based on the last 30 days? I like that last 30 days metrics because it's long Enough that it can give you some perspective on some things that potentially we can, we can shift. And I just want to add one more thing, but that thing can make a big difference to help me shift out of this, if it's okay. And that was like really leaning on a strong community of allies. And I have a tendency that I'm sure a lot of people do when things aren't necessarily when things are challenging. I can be a pro at isolation. I will disappear from society and friends in plain sight. And I had to recommit to really engaging my community. And something that made a big difference for me back in 2016 and 2017 is I'm part of a men's group and we meet every Thursday morning at 7am for a light hike. It's like six to eight of us.

Wow.

Let me tell you something. It's amazing about meeting in the morning at 7am before we go do what we have to do for the day versus cocktails in the evening. Those are two different experiences. When you meet your guys or your girlfriends, whoever. There's something really intentional about meeting first thing in the morning versus end of the day in a lounge or a bar for drinks.

And also nature. I heard a story on npr, the full story about an neuroscience talking about being in nature is how we were, you know, genetically programmed to, to be most alive. Anyway. Go ahead.

No, I agree 100%. Like what a contrast to be sitting down in a bar with the drinks. Right. Versus walking light. And this isn't an aggressive hike, but light walking and having conversations. There's a specific theme every single week. And though I don't get to make it every single, there's a theme that someone asks, a question that we answer. But if also if someone's experiencing something, it's a, it's a great place to share. And so it's, it's an opt. We call it an opt out. Opt out means it's on the calendar every single week you expect or something. You opt out, you don't opt in. Hey, who's available next Thursday? No, it's on the calendar. So a lot of people don't have these opt out events. And they're great when you know it's intentionally. You're going to meet these folks. And those were places where I could share what was truly going on even though it was vulnerable. And I was reminded that people are there for me, to support me and they're honest with me and they're going to hold me, I'm going to say the word no One likes to hear accountable accountability. They wouldn't let me sit there and be victim. They would let, they would let me say my two cents and my peace, etc. But they're going to ask me, what can I do to shift? How can I show up, how can I not stand in a place of. And it was just a beautiful, really reminder and I loved it.

I have things to share. I want to hear what you think. When you talk about how you show up the last 30 days, you know what comes to mind. Antonio, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I work predominantly with women. I don't know what your population is, but what came up for me when you said that is I think the thousands of women that I've connected with, they are showing up 100% for everyone else, but they've lost themselves. So I think that if they were to ask the boss, the boss would say, yeah, you're doing great. The husband might say, yeah, you're doing fine, you're a great mom. What we find is we're not showing up for us. Does that make sense?

It makes absolute sense. And the population I work with are primarily, as I mentioned earlier, like mid career folks. Nowhere near the beginning and nowhere near the end. That could be someone in their late 20s, all the way up to their 50s, 100%. Like when we give everything to everyone else, we end up losing. So we have to ask ourselves in those moments about finding brave, what are those things that bring us alive? And I found that there are a few things that can make a big difference. One, we have to have our own time. That me time, it doesn't need to necessarily be great and get away for that retreat for a week by yourself or something like that. But that me time can be that hour a day, that 30 minutes a day that you devote to yourself. I find that I like to ask people all the time, when's the last time you learned something brand new? At some point in society, we stop learning after that formative education, after college or something, we stop learning. And there are so many opportunities to continue learning, whether it's through that podcast, whether it's through that blog post, whether it's through that online course, Limitless videos on YouTube. We gotta ask ourselves, what do we want to continue to learn? And that was something I started doing again. I started being a student once again, which is just a beautiful place.

Scary.

Scary, but it's so if you're open to the vulnerability of it, it's just beautiful just to be the student and learn something. New and even submit that assignment. A lot of people, a great way to do that is by working with a coach, not necessarily trying to do it alone. The third thing, this is a powerful question I ask a lot of my clients all the time and audiences as well is you'll appreciate this. When is the last time you finished something just for you, just for you, not for your kids, not that assignment for the office, not for your family, just for you? I don't care if that's a puzzle you put together. I don't care if that's a blog post you hit publish on. I don't care if that's some photos you uploaded to a gallery. You name it. It could be a variety. That draft of a chapter that you're working on for that book you have envisions of publishing in the future. When is the last time you finished something for you? And that can be small. And I find that when you continually finish those things builds confidence. It allows you to be bold again. It allows you to be courageous. I have to just remind people that we always think we have to take that big jump or that big leap. But in my experience, breakthroughs come in small steps. We have to remind ourselves that if you have an axe and a big tree, that first wing's not going to do nothing. That second do nothing continual hitting, eventually it will fall down. And you probably know this as well, Kathy. I find that most people, and I'll speak for my personal experience, this book that's about to come out with a major publisher I almost gave up on. I started writing this bad boy 2017. Most people give up right when they're about to turn the corner. And Seth Godin writes about this a lot more.

It's self sabotage 100%.

So I just ask what's. What's that? What's that one degree you can turn it up every single day. Not 5, 10, 20. Just that one degree to stretch yourself a little bit beyond what's normal for you.

Oh, I love it. Can I throw some things out and see what you think? And please challenge me if you don't see it this way or don't agree. When we say do something just for you again, I think we're habituated to think that that something just for you needs to be something that moves you forward in some way. What I recommend people to think about, like when I think of the two things that I do for me, tennis and singing. I'm not a professional singer, but I've been singing all my life. If I don't have singing in my life, I'm downright depressed. And now I'm doing tennis and God, it hurts and my ankle and my knee. But it's just for me, it's not ticking off a box of success. So. And I think that, you know, when I'm singing, for instance, it taps into another part of my life, my mind. Creativity, which then spurs so many things. So when Antonio says, when's the last time you finished something for you? I'd even ask you to tease it out even further. Is it for you for no apparent success reason, then go for it. Because we don't tend to do that. We tend to only focus on. Right.

Yeah. I have to remind people, I thank you, I appreciate you for saying that is because it took me so many years and here I am here in my early 40s and I can finally say that my job title does not determine my worth. My profession does not determine my worth. What I choose to invest to relate to my career. So I agree with you 100%. That thing you do for yourself, like you said, it can be doing that yoga class that once a week or a couple times a week. That's just for you to get in that place where you know you can come home that much more alive. You're going to feel better about yourself. It can be that standing event on the calendar where you connect with an intentional community that you know is going to challenge you, fuel you, make you better. And you're going to be an ally to people and they are going to be an ally to you. It can be that standing appointment you have for your yourself. That's non negotiable. Which is what? From this time to this time don't bother me. I am meditating because that's gonna get me in a better place. That class that you decide to take that has nothing to do with Mark, but maybe I do with European history or some certain period of time. Because you're curious about that. I have my new hobby right now and I'll pick it up for you is I am building miniature models of houses.

Wow.

I got this from Japan. When I finish these, Kathy, I feel a sense of accomplishment and joy like none other that I know may helps me in other areas of my life. What people don't realize when we do these things for us, it actually helps us in what we do otherwise. And I love that you brought up tennis because sports are a great example because me, I was a collegiate athlete.

What was your sport major part of.

My sport, track and field. But I love all sports. But I forgot at some point there's something about having to earn it. If you play basketball and someone's trying to get the ball from you, that carnal instinct comes out to go get it. If you're swimming and you just. There's someone next to you, even though you're not competing against them at the pool, but you're trying to keep up with them, something comes out when someone, you're playing tennis and someone gets that angle on you and you're like, I'm not gonna let it happen again. They got me once, but not twice. Something fires up that transfers to the rest of our lives. That competitor from a fun place. Not. I wish more people would see that and take advantage of that. I love that you play tennis. I like to tell people I don't think we sleep well a lot these days. And I know there's so much research and science about sleep. You know why we don't sleep well? Because we haven't earned our sleep somewhere. Somewhere we haven't given. I'm not talking about just working an 11 hour shift in a factory and being physically exhausted, but we. Somewhere in the back of our brain, we know there was more to give in that day. Whether that's an extra 20 minutes with our kids, whether that's putting the phone down and picking up a book, whether that was doing a 20 minute workout. Maybe not the full hour we would like at the gym, but maybe I think we're sitting up at night because we haven't necessarily earned it in some way.

Oh, my gosh. There's a way to look at it. Whoo. My head's buzzing. I have two things I want to throw in here. See what you think. You know, I learned this in reading some Buddhist principles, but so many of us going back to. And I want to spend the last few minutes on this. So many people I hear from and you two are stuck. And they say, what do I do? Just today a woman said, where are your resources to get unstuck? I think one, there's a million ways in. And I know we're going to share your resources too. But I think one problem in life that is like a wet blanket is we have overly attached to how something has to look. For instance, I'm writing my book. Mine's coming out in July. Holy cow, that thing turned me inside now. And what the editor feedback said and what the panel feedback said, a lot of it was great, but some of it was, you gotta kill the darlings. You know, writers talk about that and I was like, no, they don't get it. Well, I finally killed the darling, and it's a thousand times better. I think we exhaust ourselves in the process of attaching to how someone thinks something has to look instead of being more fluid and going with it. I mean, I think that keeps us stuck. Another thing I. You are really teaching me, Antonio. If I'm really honest, I got a lot of friends, but I don't have this cadre of people. Let me be clear, because I'm thinking if I'm going through it, you people might be. When I come in and I say, I'm down, I'm not feeling well to my singer friends, or they almost can't see me that way. It's almost like they don't hear me because I'm usually. I have quick access to joy. I'm usually the upbeat person. They don't even know what to do with that. And what I'm realizing is I need a group of people that I can really be me and really say, I'm down, this is not working out, and. And be vulnerable. Maybe I'm not being vulnerable enough. I don't know. But this group of people just doesn't hear me when I say it. Does this make sense? I. What I'm saying is I want this. What you're talking about. Eight people that I can go, I'm downright depressed. Or, God, I feel like, what the hell am I doing with my time? Or why am I still searching for vanity metrics? You know? Do you understand what I mean?

Absolutely. And I think eight people may sound probably a bit aggressive for some people.

I think I need two people. One person.

Yeah, it could start people. These committee friends, allies that, frankly, you trust. And it may take time to build this. To be clear, our group started off, like, with three people, and it's since grown for folks who are members of churches. I'm sure there are church groups where this is available right now. When you think about those people who have your back, who encourage you, inspire you, challenge you, and push you, you probably can identify one or two people that you can meet with coffee or for a walk and talk once a week. Who these people are that when you share something raw and both vulnerable, they're gonna say, tell me more about that. As opposed to, like you said, maybe have some judgment or be so shocked that, oh, no, Kathy showing up very different than she normally.

It freaks them out. I do have several friends. I want. I want them who listen to know I love you and I love that you are there for me, but I need pushing. I need someone to say, okay, gosh, we hear you. I hear you. Now, what do you think you can do about it?

Yeah, and those people are there. And just so you know, if for some reason you don't have those people in your community, you're saying, that's great, Antonio, but I don't have them. I know people nowadays that will get their phone and they will put headphones on and they will do the walk and talk via FaceTime or via some type of video app. So they're like doing an activity together, but via video app. Or they'll do a group zoom. So that's an activity as well. To your point.

Great suggestion.

I've released the outcome. I realize that I have no control over the outcome. What I have committed to is knowing regardless of the outcome, I'm not going to have any regrets. I'm not going to feel bad if a speaking engagement doesn't go great because I know I did everything to prepare to have it succeed. Coaching sessions, you know, those hours I have with people, they don't always go as I plan. 99% of the time they don't go as I plan. Thank goodness they don't. Right.

Well, that's the point. The way that we plan it and you know, it's not big enough, it's not right enough. We don't have all the answers. So to attach to how it's got to look is keeping it smaller and more less impactful than really our higher self knows it can be. Right.

And yeah, and you just said a word that I think as we, as we're winding down, I think I want folks to put that word big back in their brain because I think at some point as we've evolved, as we've accumulated more stuff, the older that we get, a lot of stuff that we frankly don't want. You can look around your house right now and we can go Maria Kondo if we want, but there's so much that we've accumulated that we don't want that has caused us to shrink versus it's taking up so much space in our life, physical as essential, literal, etc. That we can no longer breathe. And I do want us to think bigger. And the whole mindset of the best thing is, is living each day because we woke up because we are here. That indeed, if we are here today, I truly do believe, call me naive, that the best thing is ahead of me because I am here. I am so tired of asking people what are the best Years of your life, college. Well, what have you been doing since you graduated? Because something is wrong if something that happened way in the past were your best years, you know, past relationships, past. So we are here today. What an amazing opportunity we have to have that mindset to live with no matter what. This is going to be the best day and my future is going to be the best ahead of me. Does it mean it's easy? Does it mean we're not going to stumble? That we're not going to. Oh, for me, I appreciate my scars and my scrapes and my stumbles more than ever. If you probably listen, if you'll see a video of me two years ago, you wouldn't recognize how I'm speaking to you right now. You would have saw a guy that was wearing a uniform that became exhausting to wear. You would have saw a guy on stage, is wearing a blazer and a button up shirt. And now you see a guy wearing a T shirt and jeans and sneakers. Just as more, more powerful because I'm finally me. I don't need the uniform anymore. I'm not caring as much about those stories. It's still a journey. So I'm just empowering all of you and self as I say this because everything I share is for me before it's for anyone else. Someone told me something, Kathy, that I think about you when you mention the ed when you write, when you create, someone said, don't forget the audience comes last. The audience comes last. We have to create for ourselves first. And when we create for ourselves first, it's gonna connect that much deeper with the audience, right? Well, if we create for the audience, there's gonna be a disconnect. Does that make sense what I'm saying?

So does. But I have to say I write for myself. Like the most viral posts on Forbes are posts. I want to write, I need to write. But in the book, sometimes the way we say things is not the way that's going to get through in the best way. Like, you know, if I'm overly emotional in something that I'm sharing, sometimes it pushes the reader away and they can't hear the message. So part of what's hard for me is it's not necessarily just the way it flies out of your mouth that is the best way to phrase things, to be understood, to build the bridge. So I think it's, it's a beautiful mix. Write it for yourself, but write it with authenticity and integrity. But make sure you're doing it in a way the reader can hear.

Oh, 100%.

That's hard.

Of course, that's where editors come into play and they provide that, that red ink. That's not always easy to hear. And I know about that writing with my book right now, that's for sure.

What's your book title? Do you have it?

It's still a work in progress. What the title is going to be tbd, but you're gonna be one of the first people to know. But I'm pouring my heart into that the same way you did. And I've taken the pressure off of, you know, how I was gonna perform because I know there's more books after this. So. Yeah, someone told me when I was telling them about how stressed I was about how this book is going to do, they said the most beautiful thing. They said, what if I told you after this book, more books, you still feel stressed about how this book is going to perform? And I said, absolutely not. Because I know there's going to be so many more coming out in the future.

And you know what? Let's leave it at this. Just be of service. You know, I was talking to my agent and the PR person I'm working with, and they said, what are your goals? And I have a first book and I wanted it to be a bestseller. That's what I wanted. And this time I said, you know what I want? I want to help a million women find brave and be more powerful. Let me just do that. And I go, what do you think, people? And they're like, thank God. Thank goodness you didn't say I wanted to be a Wall Street Journal bestseller, a New York Times bestseller. I want to make $200,000. Just be of service and don't over attach. And that's how it will be successful, I think, and I know I don't have to to tell you that I can't tell you how much I got from our conversation. Antonio. Where can people find everything about you? Where do they listen to your podcast? Where do they get your resources? Where do we send them?

Sure. The headquarters is the antonionebs.com the antonionevs.com all of my social media handles are @the AntonioNevs. And the podcast, the Best Thing is available on all podcasts platforms. And I remember when you were working on just beginning doing the Finding Brave years back. Recall how excited you were about that. And I'm just, I'm more than confident that you're going to exceed helping 1 million women find brave. So congratulations.

I'm excited for you, my friend. And bravo to you on your podcast. It's no small thing to come out in the world and be vulnerable in this way. And I know it's fantastic and it will continue to serve. Come back again, Antonio. Come back again. I can't wait. So fun. All right, everybody, you know that we don't just put this out and disappear. We want to hear from you. Antonio wants to hear from you. You know, you see this on all my social platforms, and I'm sure Antonio will share, too. Let us hear from you. What's the best thing that you're looking for? What might be where you feel stuck and you peaked in high school? I mean, in some ways, I feel. In some ways, I peaked in high school. You know, I was in theater and won the President's Award. But I said to myself, no, you're not peaking in high school. Come on now. And thank goodness I became accountable. What do you feel is in your future that you're almost. You feel too foolish to even say it? We want to hear. We want to help you. Please let us know. And I hope this really infuses you with a whole new boost of Finding Brave. Thank you for joining us, Antonio. Thank you again for your time, and have an incredible week, people. See you next time. Thanks so much for joining us today. And please don't forget to check out findingbrave.org for more programs, resources, and tips. And tune in next time for your weekly dose of Finding Brave.