208: Holiday Pick: Six Essential Questions for the New Year

You just have to believe that there's a higher version of you that you can tap into that can access higher level wisdom, insight, solutions, strategies, people, connections. If you believe it and if you believe it strongly, it's amazing what happens in your life.

Hello everyone, this is Kathy Caprino and welcome to my podcast, Finding Brave. I've created this show for everyone who longs to create something bold and brave in their life, to rise up, speak up and stand up for who they are and to reach their highest and biggest visions. Each week I'll be speaking with inspiring guests from all walks of business, leadership, entertainment, the creative arts and the entrepreneurial world. And they'll be sharing their intimate stories of finding Grave and offer their best strategies for building your most rewarding, joyful and meaningful life, business and career.

Hello everybody. Welcome to Finding Brave. It's almost the New Year. How we doing? How is it going? Did you find last week's podcast helpful about how to reduce conflict and pain with your family and friends around the holidays? I hope you did. I hope it was helpful. I certainly could listen to it again myself and take in those tips and have some powerful reminders. So I really, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I hope it was helpful to you. And today we are going to be talking about six essential questions to ask for the New Year. So let me start by saying I think most of us know from our personal experiences, but we certainly read about this as well. That New Year's resolutions, those huge hairy goals we set for ourselves in our lives, they often get planned with so much gusto and so much, you know, well meaning feelings of commitment, only for us to find that they just completely die on the vine. You know, often by February or March, we just, you know, certainly very shortly after we've written them down. We just, we didn't create a structure around these goals. We didn't create an accountability process. We didn't break them down into digestible bits. We didn't have a way to keep going when the going got rough. It goes on and on and on. So I don't want to talk about New Year's resolutions today. Don't want to do it. I do want to talk about reflection. Looking back on the past year and thinking about it deeply, thoughtfully, critically as a way to get clear on what you really want in your life and also help you connect in a powerful and juicy way with what you want to create and leverage and build on in 2019. The idea here is that nothing is wasted. Everything you've learned, everything you've experienced, even if you've fallen down flat on your face, which if you're stretching beyond your comfort zone, you probably will. Most of us fail miserably many times in our lives, and that's on the path to succeeding in a big way. I don't think you can really get to it if you don't have any failures anyway. What we want to do is leverage everything we've been and done and learned and failed at and thrived at, and then build on that for the next chapter of our life in the next year. So I'd love to explore here and give you some thinking about what I believe are six essential reflection questions that are really perfect for the end of the year and the beginning of the new year. They help us take stock. They help us grow in our appreciation and our gratitude of all of it. You can't just be grateful for the amazing stuff. It helps propel you forward when you can also be grateful for the difficult stuff because you became more of yourself through that difficult stuff. I hope and reflecting on these questions is going to set the wheels in motion for you to experience a happier, more abundant, prosperous, joyful, impactful year, whatever definition of a great year is for you. I think first we have to reflect. First we have to sit in who we have been and and what has happened in order for us to build something new. So the idea here is to spend a few hours, if you can, and maybe you can't sit down for two straight hours, but dedicate in total a few hours to this before the new year or immediately after, and answer as deeply and thoughtfully as you can these questions. You can write them in a journal. You can take out some white paper, you know, but really do this in the quiet of your own room or on a park bench, or at the beach, or in the ski wherever you are, maybe with a hot toddy, whatever works for you. But I'm asking you to think deeply and thoughtfully and not shy away from the real truth about the answers to these six questions. Okay? So question number one. What progress have I made this year towards my juiciest, most thrilling goals and visions that I want to make sure to celebrate and appreciate? So I want to tell you before I go too far, these questions are questions I work on with my amazing career project course members. They're questions I work on with my clients. They're important things to answer. So why? Because they're going to give you perspective that perhaps if you just race through to the next year and just get through the holidays and you know, watch our sports games and hang out with the kids and eat too much and drink too much. We're not actually making use of the information that is our life. Our life is giving us information every minute. But I think often we miss it. We miss the lessons. We miss the juicy nuggets of truth. We miss the feelings of what we want and what we don't want and what we're no longer going to tolerate. So, again, the question is, what progress have I made this year towards my juiciest, most thrilling goals and visions that I want to celebrate and appreciate? So I want to talk for a second about why we fail to acknowledge what we've done. You know, it's so interesting. As a coach, I will work with some people over a series of years or a full year or five years, and the progress they make tends to be amazing. But they don't see it. You know, they'll have come to me saying, I want to quit. I'm miserable. I'm not successful. I'm broke. And in a year or year and a half, things are changed dramatically. They've gotten a promotion, they've started their entrepreneurial venture, but they don't see. See it as the amazing progress that it is. I think there's a number of reasons for that. One is when we're in the throes of it, it's kind of like, you know, how when your own children are growing, you don't see how tall they're getting, but when you see another person's child who you hadn't seen until a year ago, since a year ago, you're. You're floored. How do they get so tall? It's three feet. That's kind of the same thing. We're in it, we're in the weeds, so we don't see it. Well, I want you to see it. I want you to see how far you've come. And if you do this every year, you're going to be able to look back and say, wow, I have come a long way. The second thing is celebrate all the wins, from the tiniest thing to the biggest thing, because they're all. You know, often it's the micro steps, those tiny, tiny things that aren't even seeming like progress. Often those are the things that actually open the door for fantastic success. You know, deciding you're going to write a book proposal for your book and then starting writing the intro, you know, fleshing out one paragraph or one preliminary chapter. It's not necessarily completing the book that is the biggest, most Impactful step. It's sometimes the tiniest first step, so celebrate them all. And, you know, I want you also to look back at what comes easily to me. So a lot of people simply look at accomplishments as the hard thing, but you're talented, you're gifted. What also came easy to you, that was important to you, that gave you a feeling of self respect and self esteem, or helps someone else go further in their life? What came easily to you as well as hard? Okay, the second question is, what are the top lessons of this year? And how have they impacted how you think and speak and connect and engage and relate to the world and operate in the world? So, you know, I've done a. One of the modules in the amazing career project is the lessons your life is trying to teach you and why you're not learning them. So I will definitely link to that below. I talk a lot about lessons, and I don't mean those as, you know, you're getting slapped with a ruler on your knuckles. That kind of lesson. I'm talking about when something happens, let's say you have a fight in a relationship or you're working with a consultant and it's not going well, or, you know, you're struggling in some way. I always feel like when I can't figure something out, I'll say to myself, wow, this is not what I had in mind. This is way off the track. What do I need to learn? What am I not seeing? And almost always I will get an answer in my mind. And I believe that comes from another dimension. But we can talk about that another time. Because we can't solve a problem on the level of consciousness that created it. Einstein said so. Sometimes these things come from a shift of consciousness. But no matter what's going on, if you stop and say, whoo, wow, all right, I didn't like this. I don't want this. What lessons am I to learn? What is it that I'm not understanding that I have to do differently? Think differently? Okay, so look at the top lessons of the year. Another thing to think about is when we fall down or fail, you know, again, it's not meaningless. It's not a waste. So many people come to me and say, oh, my gosh, I'm 54. What a waste of, you know, 10 years in that job or taking time off when I feel I shouldn't really have, or they'll moan it and they'll regret it. And I really wish you would not do that. I really wish you could see it from my perspective that Everything is as it should be. If there was a reason you were off for 10 years, if there's a reason you had a toxic boss that flattened you, which I did. If there was a reason you got laid off, maybe it was you contributed to that or it was completely undeserved. There are things you can glean from it that aren't about regret and how I screwed it up. So what can you get that's positive from it?

Okay.

Especially where you failed or fell down. Okay. What did you learn from that that you would not have learned, that you would have not experienced, that you would have not have. That you would not have gained if this thing didn't happen? Okay. Number three is, what are my three highest goals for next year for myself personally and for my work? So let's break this down a little bit. I can't. I'm right now in the phase of helping people who say, I have no idea what I want, but I know it's not this. Whoo. Do I know it's not this. So I am a fan of helping people realize they do have an idea what they want. They absolutely do. They just don't recognize that as a valid idea. So let's talk about the three highest goals. How do we figure this out? So let's look at it in five different ways here. What are the outcomes that you want to create? So maybe you don't know how to frame it as a goal, but you can write down outcomes like, I want to be a more present mother, or I want to be a stronger leader and not say I'm sorry and not winch and whine and question myself. Or this is my theme. I want to monetize what I'm already doing well and easily. So these are outcomes, so you don't have to see them necessarily as a goal. It's an outcome I want to get healthier. I want to start using that creative talent of pottery or singing or so outcomes that would make you feel like you're not wasting your time here on this planet, that you're doing something that's juicy and exciting.

Right.

Another way to look at a high goal is where can you turn your mess into a message? I don't know where I read that term, but I love it and I say it all the time. But one of the things I love most to do is when I really made a mess of something. I can't wait to go, wow. I can't wait to learn how to overcome this or turn this around so that I could teach other People how to bypass what I went through. I get a lot of juice out of turning my mess into a message. Could you, for instance, I have one client who's steeped into a job, a senior role in her family owned business and she says I want to give back to entrepreneurs somehow, but I can't do that in this job. Yes, you can create a workshop on the top mistakes new entrepreneurs make or new small businesses. Make and go and present it. Present it at the library. Present it at the Women's forum. Present it at the Chamber of Commerce. Present it. There are so many things you can do to turn your mess into a message. The third thing I want to talk about is why we get stuck on achieving a high goal is that we tend to agonize about the hows of it the exact way like I am. I've got a book proposal out to a number of publishers. I've learned this. If I overly attach. It's got to be this publisher, it's got to be this time, it's got to be this title. Holy cow, it's going to crash and burn. I've come to realize that there's more going on than meets my eye and I'm not going to get all gummed up with the hows. If this book is meant to be written and meant to have a good audience, it's going to find a great publisher, it's going to find a great publishing home, it's going to go well. And I'm not going to agonize about the millions of hows. That doesn't mean I just sit there and you know, on my couch popping bon bons, going woohoo. I'm going to have a book and not do the work. I'm doing the work of it. I'm building the chapters, I'm doing the research that's required. So I'm showing up with all the evidence in my own mind that this thing is going to come to pass. But I'm not breaking myself against the hows. So these are ways to look at your goals, but create them. Here's another thing. Create them smart, specific, measurable, realistic, time bound so that you will know when you've accomplished them. So you know, if I say, for instance, I wanted to be a bigger thought leader, well, what does that mean? How would I define that? That's a moving target. Unless I say, oh, that means I do have a book published and I'm speaking, you know, 20 times a year and my following has grown to this. Make them smart, specific, measurable, Achievable, realistic and time bound. So that you can know that, that you've accomplished them. Right. Another way to look at, ugh, I don't even know what I want here. Look at the feelings and the thoughts and sensations. Like, think about where you want to be in life and close your eyes and envision it with all of your senses. You know, sometimes I do this exercise where I close my eyes and I see my life as a video that I'm separate from it, but I'm watching it. And let's say I pick one dimension of my life, let's say my speaking or being a thought leader. I'll actually envision being at a speaking gig and seeing the audience and seeing the room and seeing what I'm wearing. The thoughts and the feelings and the sensations and the experiences. And I see it with every set, right? Experience it with every sense. And you know, there's a lot about this. It's called creative visualization. Shakti Gawain wrote an amazing book, Creative Visualization. It's my favorite. But skillions of people have written about visualizing, visualizing works. I think you've heard me mention I visualized my first book, Breakdown Breakthrough, and it came to pass. I visualized walking into the Borders bookstore, which no longer exists, with my two kids hand in hand, walking into that store and seeing the book. And by gum, did it not work out exactly as I saw it. Even the COVID I hadn't a clear idea what the design would look like, but I knew I had a sense of what the colors would be. And wouldn't you know, the art director presented something very similar. Visualizing works. So when you can't figure out, ugh, what's my New Year's resolution? What's my goal? Don't worry about it that way. Envision what would be a happier, more joyful, abundant, prosperous, successful experience and see yourself in it. And I promise you that paves the way for it to come to pass because you've already embraced it in your mind, in your heart, in your soul. Okay.

Hello, Kathy here and thanks so much.

For tuning in today.

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The fourth question oh, before that, I want to talk about higher level help. I believe there is a higher self and I believe there's also higher level support that we can tap into. If you're interested in that, write me an email and I will do a podcast episode on that. But if we want to look at it in the most kind of straightforward way, your higher self is your best self. Your most expansive, positive, resourceful, creative self. You know, when you're being your lower self, you know you're hopeless, you're nasty, you're not generous, you're coming from a place of me, me, me. And it feels like crap. You know what your lower self is? Well, your higher self is, is hopeful in the face of physical reality being not what you wanted it to be. It remains ever encouraging and it's resourceful. It has access to ideas and help and support and tools that your lower self kind of shuts off. So ask your higher self. Just say, hi higher self, can you please help me identify and recognize new doors that could open for me and jump in them, seize them, Ask for help just internally, and I promise you, you're going to start hearing your intuition, hearing your higher level help. It's when you're really in belief in alignment with this concept that you can get higher level help. You're not going to believe how the doors open for you. And the craziest synchronicities, the craziest, they're miracles really. But you don't have to be woo woo spiritual. You don't have to be religious. You just have to believe that there's a higher version of you that you can tap into that can access higher level wisdom, insight, solutions, strategies, people, connections. If you believe it and if you believe it strongly, it's amazing what happens in your life. The fourth question I want you to think about, we're talking about reflective questions before the beginning of the new year. In what new ways can I find.

Brave next year that will help me.

Grow, learn and Stretch beyond my comfort zone. And you know, if nothing comes while you're brainstorming on this, think about where you don't feel brave, where you've stayed deep in your comfort zone, where you know you're, for instance, desperate to leave this current job because you know you've outgrown it. But you won't do it. You won't change your resume, you won't get on LinkedIn, you won't connect, you won't network, you won't go to industry association meetings, you won't meet anyone else. Or let's say you want to feel more respected. I have a client who wants to feel more respected, but in a way, and she knows because we've talked about this, she's waiting for validation. That's what she's waiting for. And I said, let's shift that. Forget the validation. Go out and ask for projects. Identify two or three projects that would make you feel self respect. When you do that, you're not looking in the horizon for who's going to say you're great. You have your own self respect, and that's a finding brave endeavor. You go and you ask, this is a project that I would like to work on. I've worked out the basics. Would you give me permission, boss, to take this project on or oversee or spearhead this volunteer effort or this cause or this community endeavor? Where can you stretch beyond where you are? The project, the cause, the volunteer effort, the hobby. You know, you've heard me talk about, singing is my world. I don't want to make a living doing it. I've done a ton of singing my entire life. I'm not happy without it. And, you know, I certainly am open to, anytime anyone asks me, I'm open to thinking about, yeah, I'll join that concert with you or sing at your church to help you fill out the choir. What endeavor can you engage in? And it can be the smallest thing, but that will make you feel more alive and more connected to who you really are and what you're doing on this planet. Okay, number five, what new habits do I want to commit to? To build a healthier, happier and more balanced approach to life and work. So look, we all know this. I think if you're like me, you know that to incorporate a new behavior, we've got resistance to it or we'd already be doing it. I want to exercise more. I want to lose 10 pounds. I want to maybe go vegan. I want to build more friends. I want to engage in that hobby of mine that I was so good at. I want to make jewelry, I want to write a cookbook. But if there's any resistance, you have to know that you're not gonna get this thing done unless there's a habit built around it. So if you want to write a blog post or a blog, you're gonna have to create a habit. Alright, Wednesdays at 2:00', clock, I am gonna write. I'm gonna write 500 words every Wednesday at 2:00 clock, because that's a time in my schedule I can do it. Or, you know, I'm gonna give you an example. I have a gym in my apartment complex. It's gorgeous. But I also take care of my little beagle for half the week who cannot be left alone. So I can't bring her into and I can't bring her into the gym because it's a community space and no dogs allowed. So if I say I'm going to exercise every day, that's just a lie. Or in that gym anyway, it's a lie. I can't bring the dog. So don't kid yourself about what you say you're going to do. Come up with a habit that works with what you know is a challenge for you. So, four for me. I'm going to start taking tennis lessons again. I was a really good tennis player in high school, went to the States, in New York. I adore tennis, but I don't have a habit in my life built in. Well, I'm going to take lessons, join a league if I can build the structure around doing it right. So what habit can you build that's going to help you get to where you want to go? And if you need accountability, most people do. Most people do not. I interviewed a wonderful guy. You're gonna hear that soon, Ajit Nawalka. And he said it depends on a personality if they want accountability or not. I don't actually see that. Every person I know who has a big goal, who's achieving massive things, loves accountability in their life and benefits from it. I mean, maybe not every single person. We can't lump everybody into the same category, but the people I work with who are doing huge things while they're coming for coaching, so they want accountability, but they thrive when they're not just hacking it out on their own. They want some structure, some accountability where they're telling somebody they're doing it and they're getting ongoing mentorship, input, critique, whatever it is. So what habit can you build that's going to help you get to where you Want to go. And number six, last but not least, what power gaps do you need to close in order to reach that highest version of yourself that you're most excited about? So let me just refresh. I did a whole podcast on closure power gaps. I'll link to it below. But again, here are the seven power gaps that keep so many people from thriving in their life and in their work. Number one, they don't recognize their special talents, abilities and accomplishments. They don't see it. They say, I'm not special. I don't have anything unique. It's just not true. It's like looking at your thumbprint and saying, it's not unique. It is unique. You just have to see the pattern of how it's unique. And you might need some extra help for that. And I'm here if you do. Power gap number two, communicating from fear, not strength. You know, I wrote a blog post on why women say they're sorry when they're not. I am intensively focused on many, many different ways that women communicate less powerfully than they need to, less authoritatively. I was just talking to a client an hour ago that I'm having a struggle with one consultant I'm working with. And I am being excruciatingly clear. And I'm not apologizing for what I need and what I want. And I'm not going to back down. And that was not me 20 years ago. So where are you communicating from? Fear. You're apologizing, you're denigrating, you're flattening yourself. Instead of strength. Power gap number three is reluctance to ask for what you deserve. Okay, this is the year, folks. This is the year. If you deserve a plum job, if you deserve a raise, if you deserve your spouse to do more than he or she is doing, if your children are taking advantage of you, if your friends are walking all over you, if you've held a role at a volunteer organization and you want a better role, different role, juicier role, now is the time to ask for it. If you can't, you've got to look at why you're reluctant. You've got to look at it. Close that power gap. Power gap four is isolating from influential support. There is support, just like we talked about, higher level support waiting for you to help you. But if you isolate and you won't ask for help, you're never going to get it and you're going to stay stuck. Power gap number five is acquiescing. Instead of saying stop, that means you are observing or receiving behavior that is no longer or never has been acceptable or tolerable. If you're getting bullied, if you're getting harassed, if you're getting discriminated against, if someone's taking advantage of it, it is time that you say, okay, let me be really clear. This has to stop. And there are many ways you can do that at work, at home. But are you acquiescing instead of saying stop? Power Gap 6 is losing sight of your most thrilling dream. People are happiest when there's something exciting, their potential that they're moving towards fulfilling. People are happiest when they're on the path to fulfilling their highest potential. And if you feel like, oh, I've lost sight of it, I don't care, I don't know, then there might be some depression. Many times the people I speak to, when they have, they're kind of flatlining emotionally, there's depression, and sometimes that's contextual. Sometimes it's been in their life since they were born. But it's time that you grab sight of something that makes you feel more alive. It's a beautiful feeling. Okay. And Finally, Power Gap 7 is allowing past trauma or difficulty to define you. This could be about every person I've ever spoken to. Very few people have been taught how to be resilient. Most of us don't know how. And it's something that you get taught. I mean, that's something that needs to be taught. But people that I know, and I'm in that bucket. It took me, I don't know, seven years to overcome being laid off in a brutal way. You know, I said I was over it, but I wasn't over it. You can tell. How do you tell? By the conversations you have in your head about it. About that boss that did that to you or your ex husband, or how could that narcissistic person do that to you? Oh, my gosh, I've had all of these. You know, I finally know when I've let go of something, when I don't ruminate about it anymore. Like, a day goes by and I haven't thought about it, okay, I'm free of it. But are you letting the past define you? Are you telling stories about. And I've done just a recent podcast about that. I'll link to that below, too. About how to reduce pain and conflict with others. Are you telling stories that are hurting you? Are you telling stories about yourself that there's actually you're wrong about what happened or the way you're framing it just keeps you so down as opposed to another way. You know, in therapy training we learned about the reframe, which is how to tell the story so that it fits the facts equally well. It's not a lie, but it opens the door for as much positivity and hope and expansion as possible. I tell you, once you can reframe a traumatic event and see it differently, you can finally let it go. I hope that was helpful everyone. So the six essential questions for reflecting on where you have come from and what you want to build in the future. I hope that's helpful. I really do. And I wish you all the most joyful holiday season and a fantastic new year full of growth and hope and positivity and love and connection and abundance. And I leave you with this idea. I love, love, love coming up with one word that's a theme for what you're going to focus on the coming year. One of my themes, I've got one for business and that's monetize. As I said, I'm going to not be racing around in 20 different directions for my business, but focus on the things that I love that bring me meaning and monetize them better. What would I think about it? Let's think about it together. What's a theme for your personal life? I'm going to think about it and let you know. I'll post a comment underneath this podcast. It's probably going to be something around connection, connecting more expansively with people that would like some help. People who can help me connection. I think I'm going to go for and make it one word. I have friends and colleagues and people I hear from who have five words. I want one word. The thing that you want most in your life that you are committing to helping bring in and create. I hope that's helpful folks.

Happy, happy Brave New year.

I hope 2019 is just the best and I'm sending so much love and light to you and I'm so grateful for you listening in and supporting me and this Finding Brave project and giving me your insights and ideas for and I'd love to hear your ideas for new new episodes. Just send them to me via email kathyathycaprino.com or find me anywhere on social media. I am on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest. Woohoo. Find me and connect. I'd love to hear what's going on in your life and any way I can help you. Much love to you. I'm gonna sing a song here. Here it is. Should old acquaintance be forgot and brought to mind should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne for old lang syne, my dear for old lane we'll take a cup kindness yet for all. Happy New Year. All right. See you next year. Bye, everybody.

Thanks so much for joining us today. And please don't forget to check out findingbrave.org for more programs, resources and tips. And tune in next time for your weekly dose of finding grave.