233: Summer Pick #1: 7 Damaging Power Gaps That Keep Women From Thriving In Life and Work

Hello everyone.

Kathy here.

I'm very excited to bring you this year's Summer Pick series, a selection of the most downloaded shows we've published in the past that we think you'll not only love to listen to again, but they'll also help you in a big way to find Brave and build even more success, reward and fulfillment in your life and work. I also wanted to share that we have now moved to a bi weekly schedule, continuing to bring you great episodes that I hope you find instrumental, but also giving you a bit more time to check out and digest each episode and take action on the powerful strategies and tips that are shared. Thank you so much and wishing you a great summer. Enjoy the show.

You are like a thumbprint. You are absolutely unique. Now you have to understand how and leverage it and be strong enough to be powerful. Hello everyone, this is Kathy Caprino and.

Welcome to my podcast, Finding Brave. I've created this show for everyone who longs to create something bold and brave in their life, to rise up, speak up and stand up for who they are and to reach their highest and biggest visions. Each week I'll be speaking with inspiring guests from all walks of business, leadership, entertainment, the creative arts and the entrepreneurial world. And they'll be sharing their intimate stories of Finding Brave and offer their best strategies for building your most rewarding, joyful and meaningful life, business and career.

Hello everybody. Welcome to Finding Brave. How you doing?

How's your November? How's it going?

You getting ready for Thanksgiving? For those of you who celebrate it, that's one of my happiest holidays. I love it, love it, love it. And I do love this weather, I have to say, or I should say fall weather. I love typical fall weather. Sometimes we're getting different weather than we're used to, as I know you know. Anyway, I hope you're experiencing more and more brave moments every day, every week, every month because of listening to this podcast, because of the awareness that you're gaining about yourself. I truly hope this has been instrumental for you. And today we're going to be talking about seven power gaps that keep professionals from thriving and succeeding. This is a topic that I feel very deeply. I mean, most topics I feel deeply, but in this case I've lived these gaps and I can tell you how absolutely damaging, crippling and crushing they can be. I want to also say that right at the get go. You know, I've written about this now and I've heard from a lot of people on LinkedIn and from my Forbes blog and I've had men say, you know, these, these seven power gaps affect men too. And I want to say right at the start, I know that to be true. I absolutely know it, because I hear from a lot of guys who confirm that. So I will say that these seven power gaps hit professionals and keep them from thriving. But I will go so far as to say I believe they hit professional women harder. And I think that women process these in a different way from men. And also I believe that there are systemic and cultural and institutional, institutional factors that make it even more intractable for women right now. Things are shifting, things are changing. But there are forces at work, especially in a patriarchal society which we're in, where there's kind of a male dominant way of doing things. And those keep the power gaps in place more for women than for men. But again, all of this is shifting. But why I'm bringing this to you is that as I love to say, greater awareness equals greater choice. Meaning we absolutely cannot change something that we're not aware of. You've all heard of unconscious bias. Well, you can't change unconscious bias if you're not conscious of it. So I am bringing this to you in the hopes that you will gain awareness of any gaps if you have them. Not everybody has them. Well, actually, I've interviewed a lot of people who are illustrious and powerful and influential and I see even, I can.

Witness even their gaps.

I think we all do have gaps, to be honest, but in varying degrees. So let's start. What I'd love to do is talk a little bit about the gap, where I learned about these gaps, a little bit about each one, and some tips and strategies and solutions for you to start closing the gap. I really want to make this very practical. So where did I start learning about this? So, you know, years before in my corporate life, I was in marketing, but I spent seven years doing market research and I have to say I adored that. And I particularly adored qualitative research versus quantitative. You know, quantitative is more closed ended and asks kind of yes or no questions and quantifies the results. And what I found is with quantitative you're going to get a little more black and white information, but you're not going to get the why behind it because it's closed ended. What I love about qualitative is you get all the rich whys and all the deep fabric of the answer. So when I started coaching 13 years ago, I was working with mostly professional women. And what starts to happen when you're dealing with a large number of people is you begin to see patterns. And what I began to see was that the women I was serving, even at very, very, very high levels, they started sharing, or what they were sharing was repeating from person to person. And, you know, in my book Breakdown, Breakthrough, I dimensionalize the 12 hidden crises working women face. Now I'm talking about what I see are gaps in essential ingredients that are necessary if you want to succeed and thrive and be happy and make a difference and feel fulfilled and feel recognized and rewarded. There are ingredients that are necessary. Energy, commitment, confidence, connection, self belief, vision, support. There are things we need in this world if we're going to have the life we dream of and we're going to have, if we want to build the career and the success that we dream of, it's not just going to happen. It's not just going to fall on our laps. We need things to make those happen. And what I began to see was over and over, women of all different walks, all different educational and socioeconomic and racial and religious, you know, experiences, backgrounds, were sharing similar gaps. So, of course, I began asking more about it and doing my best to uncover what these gaps mean and how people talk about them and how they can be addressed. So that's how it started. And, you know, now that I'm working with this framework, it's becoming even more fleshed out and rich with examples and content. So let me jump in here. Start with power gap number one. So now, are they in a particular order? I would say this. All of these gaps are damaging. Very, very damaging. I would say that I put number one in the place of the ordinal position of one for a reason. And I do believe that this one can be the most crippling. This is the one we have to address today, immediately. This information that I'm sharing is relevant. If you want to be happier in your work, if you want to make more of an impact, if you want to be recognized in your work, if you want to change careers and do different work, all of these gaps are relevant. Okay, so power gap number one. Not recognizing your special talents, abilities and accomplishments. Wow. So, interestingly, I do have some quantitative data on this. I have something called a career path assessment, which I'm going to link to below that. I want everyone who hears my voice to download and answer. These are qualitative questions. It's a survey. It's not going to get scored, and it requires two to three hours of time. But no professional should make any move, any decision, anything to do with their career without completing the survey. It's questions I wish someone had asked me 30 years ago and earlier. And if they had, I would not. And if I had answered them really deeply and honestly, I don't think I would have made the huge mistakes I made. I don't think I would have. Or I certainly would have seen the red flags, the signs that I'm heading in the wrong direction into a miserable time of it. So it's not recognizing your special talents, abilities and accomplishments. So the quantitative data I get is every new client and course member completes this career path assessment. And there are questions like, how do you stand out? How do you stand out as a child? What are your special talents? You know, and I want to say that 90 to 95% of anyone who reaches out and fills that thing out and wants to work together can't answer that question. And the way they can't answer it is a million different ways. They'll leave it blank, completely blank. Or they'll say, I have no idea. Or they'll be funny about it. You know, like, you know, my friends say I'm funny, but they can't answer it. So the reality is, if you can't name and articulate your special abilities and talents, then you can't leverage them effectively or monetize them, and you cannot thrive. Why? Because if you don't know what your special talents are, how are you going to choose the line of work that's best for you? And, well, that goes with an assumption. And here's the assumption which I believe is true. We are happiest. The people who are happiest in their work are using their natural talents. Yes, we all have skills that we've honed, but if the talent isn't there and it's laborious, an incredible chore to use those skills, then you're not going to be happy in your work. The happiest people are doing work that touches on who they've always been, who they are at their core, not some different version of themselves that they've had to hone in order to be successful. That's my belief, and I see it over and over. So if you can't name it, I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know how I stand out. I don't know how I compare with the competition. You gotta change that this week. And it's not so difficult. You know, I have a wonderful example of this. There's a woman in my course, my amazing career project course, and she, she has said, now we're in week Five, I think, you know, I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know what I'm good at. So we had a special, not a special one on one session. And in her career path assessment, she'd written a page of the skills and talents that she has, and they're pretty amazing, but she didn't see them as special gifts and talents. She just wrote, this is what I do in my job. And it might be mediating or project management or analyz or bringing data to bear so that we can make strategic decisions or collaborating or oh my gosh, it went on and on. And when I saw it, and in knowing her as I do for five weeks, I see that she does have these skills. I can see as she talks. And so I said to her, I want you to look at this page again and I want you never, ever to say again, you don't know what you're good at. This is what you're good at. So sometimes it's just how we're framing the question. Some people think they have to have a PhD in analytics to be good at in analytical thinking or data analytics. Some people just never feel they're good enough. So I want that to stop for you. I want you to know what you're good at. So make the list, download my career path assessment, answer all those questions again. It's linked to below. And so if you really still have no idea, then you got to go outside yourself and ask. So the first thing I do is ask for recommendations on LinkedIn. And I know people are groaning. And you know, I find that introverts, people who self report as introverts, have an even harder time at this. I found just looking at the career path assessment. So I know the introverts are going to groan. I don't want to ask for recommendations. I don't want to reach out to strangers and network that way. I know you don't. I know it's hard. It was really hard for me the first time on LinkedIn I ask for a recommendation, but do it. And here's the language. Identify five people, 10 people that you love, that you work with in the past. And you know they love you. I mean, they respect you, they admire you, they appreciate you, work you did together went well. And give them a recommendation if you want, or endorse their skills and do it all on LinkedIn if you want, and you can go to their profile and under the three little buttons that say, three little dots that say more, you can request a recommendation. And what you do is say something like, hi, Kathy, how are you? And you say something about, you know, what you've been seeing them do. It's so great to see you do the Finding Brave podcast. I love it. You know, listen, I beefing up or enhancing my LinkedIn profile and also thinking about what I want next in the next juncture. And it would mean so much to me if you might be able to offer a few words of endorsement or recommendation about the time we work together, the time that we shared together in those projects, or whatever way you want to say it. That would mean a great deal to me. Thank you so much in advance and let me know how I can help you. And if you've already written them a recommendation, you can say, I'm so happy to do the same for you because that time together was wonderful. There's some language you can use, but ask and then read what they write. You will be blown away what they say about you. I've told the story that the first recommendation ever got on LinkedIn was from someone in that last job I had that almost killed me. And she wasn't in my department, but I thought I was a pretty lousy leader at that company because I was getting my butt kicked regularly and I just didn't feel like an empowering leader or manager. And she wrote something like, I wasn't in Kathy's unit or division, but she was a role model for me about how to be a professional. And I literally cried. I read it a hundred times over the next six months because it healed. It healed me. I wasn't so terrible. So read what people are saying about you, and that is what your gifts are. Okay, so the tips are take my career path assessment. Think about the things you do naturally and easily. Those are gifts, right? Think about when people say, boy, you do that well. Think about it, take it in. Right? List what comes easily and what people have noticed that you're good at, and then ask for recommendations. And I promise you, if you're willing to let this in, you're going to start to see what you were great at. And what you're great at is probably what you were great at as a young person. I think I've talked about that before. Everything that I use in my career now in some way, I was good at when I was 18, honestly, I was a singer. I, you know, kind of had a therapist ear. Friends would ask me questions. You've heard this me talk about this in the podcast. I loved English back then. Back then, 18, 16, English was my favorite topic. And wouldn't you know it, you know, Now I write 1500 words every. It seems like every four days. So there you go. I hope that moves you forward. On closing power gap, number one, Power gap number two. Communicating from fear, not strength. If you shy away from speaking compellingly about what you've done and what you've achieved, you're going to lose critical chances to claim new opportunities that will grow your influence and impact. So why are we communicating from fear? Well, the very first thing you know, because I'm a trained therapist, I do love to go deeper than just kind of the superficial level. I feel that most often there's a root cause or a root event that has contributed to us being the way we are. We didn't pop out of the chute like this. We've been shaped. I mean, sure, there's. There's nature and there's nurture, but we've been shaped dramatically. And, you know, I'll say this. What has happened in your childhood has affected you so much more than you'd ever imagine, and it is still affecting you. Unless you've done the work to release it or to shift it. You were shaped dramatically by how you were treated, the messages you were given, the confidence you, you know, that was bolstered in you or flattened in you. What your parents said about everything about you, about the world, about power, about money, about authority, about balance, about peace, about safety, all of this you assimilated. And unless you're aware of what you got from those childhood years and teen years and are deciding consciously, I want to keep that belief or I want to let go of it or that trauma or that experience, I want to let it continue to influence me or not. If you're not consciously looking at that, it is influencing you. So if you communicate not from strength but from fear, you want to look at what could be the root. How old is it that I've done this? That's a beautiful question. How old is it that I'm afraid to speak up? And almost everybody I ask, how old is it? Of say, it's really old, man. Wow, it's really old. It started from childhood. So look at what is influencing your way of communicating and why you might be communicating from fear. What are you afraid of? What is the deepest fear? For some people, it's that they're going to be punished because they were punished for some people. For some women, you know, we have been punished, many of us, for speaking up assertively and confidently. I mean, the research shows it over and over and over. So we're not imagining it, but I want you to identify what does make you communicate from fear rather than a position of strength. Right? So think about what has made you afraid, and then think about how old that is, and are you ready to release that? And I think what I would say is the best tip for that is think about the thing you need to communicate that you're not, or the thing you know, let's say at work, you're in meetings and you just don't communicate confidently. The very first tip is what is it that you really want to say? Right? And work on how to articulate that in a way that doesn't apologize, doesn't hem and haw, isn't vague. It's strong. And even a sentence. I mean, even working on the one sentence you want to say to your boss or the one thing you want to tell your spouse, or the one thing you want to tell your friend, think about the thing that would change you most if you could say it. Then get some outside help to craft it in a way that is confident, not afraid, and then say it. And once you get on the path to communicating not from fear, but from strength, you're gonna see how life changes. Okay, Gap number three. Reluctance to ask for what you deserve. Without knowing how to ask for what you deserve or building a strong case for it, you're gonna very quickly fall behind your competitors and colleagues in the workplace. And one study I read said, you know, women are going to have to work eight more years than their male counterparts to catch up in salary. So there's statistics on this one that I just can't even believe. But I can believe that 57% of men negotiate the very first salary out of the gate, out of school, and only 7% of women do. Now, that is. That's a learned behavior. I don't believe that. Again, that women pop out of the womb not knowing how to ask for things. It's a learned behavior that we're taught culturally and societally and institutionally to be pleasing, to be malleable, to not be assertive, not be confident, not be aggressive, not state yourself what you want in a deeply compelling way. We've been trained not to. But what are we going to do? We need to fight that. We need to stand up with power, with strength, and fight that. Change it. Otherwise nothing will change. So, yes, women tend to ask less, and I think in some ways they've been penalized to ask. So, again, we're going to have to work to overcome this. But think about what you want to ask for. Let's say it's a raise. So many women say to me, I want more money, but I don't even know how to ask for it, and I don't even know what I would ask for. Well, let's address that right this second. Why do you want more money then? What makes you think you do deserve it? Go out and make a case for it. Go to Glassdoor or go to salary.com and read up on what are the competitive salaries for the role you have, right? And then look at the case you have for making more. So of course, companies and bosses don't give you money just because they feel like it, you know, unless they're really being arbitrary and whatever. But in general, you have to earn it. So make your case. What have you done? And tie it. Make it measurable. What have you done in this company that has moved some sort of a needle, you know, preferably financial, because that's tied to what you earn. So how many clients have you brought in? What was the business that you brought in or the fading product that you revitalized? How much money has that brought in or what exposure has the company gotten? Good exposure. Good, you know, pr, for instance, because of what you do. Try to arrive at a case that you can, with metrics, demonstrate that you've moved a needle and brought successful outcomes to this organization, to your team, to your boss. Okay? Make the case. And then, you know, part of presenting the case and asking for what you deserve is believing you deserve it. So even when someone, I'm working with a woman and she's got the case, I'll say, all right, say it to me. Pretend I'm your boss. Often there's hemming and hawing and faltering and eye rolling and, you know, coughing. Well, all of those cues reveal that you actually don't believe you deserve it. So once again, you got to go back to the drawing board. If you don't believe you deserve something, you're not going to get it. Because the energy of what you're saying and how you're saying it is going to be the message that's heard. Everything is energy. So if you role play it and you still sound like you're ashamed and embarrassed and scared to ask, you've got to go back to the drawing board and find the confidence within you that you deserve it. And if you can't, then there's some outside help that's required here to help you believe in yourself that you do deserve. This is It's a sense of worthiness.

Right?

Gap number four, isolating from influential support. So without building a powerful support community that can help you grow and without expanding your network of colleagues, past and current and influential colleagues here, we're not just saying get together with your friends, we're saying connect with influential supports. People who will open doors for you when you're not in the room. People that will say, Kathy's the right one for that, or Fred or Sally, she's the one, I saw her in action and she's the one who should be considered for this. Right. Without doing that, you severely limit your access to exciting new opportunities and roles and projects. So the research shows that men tend to be, and I don't mean to paint every man with the same brush or woman with the same brush, but men tend to be better, more naturally focused on finding support mentors, but who are higher level than that, their sponsors, they're the president of the company or you know, someone with power and influence. And you know, there's all sorts of research that looks at, well, why is that? And some of the research says, you know, that communication for men tends to be hierarchical. Who's one up on the ladder higher than me? And they're focused on that. Whereas women have more of a kind of circularity and a web of influence rather than a hierarchical ladder. Whatever the reason is, your male counterparts are doing it and they're going out to the bar and they're talking to the boss or the president or they're going golfing. You know, there's, there's a lot of research on that, social events that have sometimes held women back because, you know, for some women, they have children at home and they can't go out to the, to the bar for cocktails that night. They have to go home and relieve the sitter. Or sometimes companies have golfing out where, you know, most men know. Not most, many men know how to golf, but maybe women don't. So some of these social events put women at a disadvantage. Or how about sporting events? Gosh, I read somewhere that if women want to get ahead, they should watch sports just to be in the know. And that rankles me. I don't think you ever should do something you have no interest in just so that you can talk about it. I don't like that. But the point is if you know, if there's watching football together and you know that's already separating men and women in terms of typical interests. So what you're needing is to be incredibly aware of who is influential in your ecosystem and absolutely embrace opportunities to demonstrate your potential to these influential people. So let me give you a very concrete example. One wonderful client of mine a few years ago, senior person said, there's a lunch and learn with the president every month. And you know, it's only like 20 people that go to the lunch. And she said that day she could have sat next to the president, but she didn't. She didn't sit at the table next to the president of the company. She sat 10 seats away. That's a perfect example of closing the door on an opportunity of gaining influential support. Because if you're sitting next to the president and he's talking and you're able to ask a smart question and he sees you or she sees you and she, the president says, well, that's an interesting question, Rachel, and answers it. And then you respond in a way you're demonstrating your potential to her. You've gotten in her sphere. And then once you're in the sphere, you can perhaps after the lunch and learn, go up and say, gosh, that was really interesting that point you made about blah, blah, blah, blah. Could I ask you a follow up question? You're continuing to demonstrate your potential, your thought power, your mindset, your ability to process information and take it further. Right. So what you need to do is embrace every opportunity, internally and externally for meeting people that have influence, have clout, have the ability to lift you up as they're being lifted. So the tip right now, write down 10 different ways that you are going to connect and meet and talk to and demonstrate your potential to people who have more influence and power and clout in your industry than you have. Okay, awesome. All right, where are we gap number? Are we on gap number five? Yeah. Acquiescing instead of saying stop. So if you stay silent in the face of unfair, unethical or illegal behavior to you or others around you, you're contributing to its prevalence and its continuation period. And most likely, if you're a woman, you're going to be on the receiving end of unfair, unjust, unethical, and perhaps illegal behavior at some point. And it's not going to end well for you. So, you know, I know somebody's going to listen and go, but aren't you blaming the victim here, Kathy? You know women, when they, they can't speak up or they've been suppressed or they've been punished. Yes, they have. But what are we gonna do about that? Are we gonna continue with that? We have to be strong, we have to fight it. Back, we have to say stop. You know, I give a lot of talks and to women and men, but in many cases it's women's conferences. And I'll say to the group, and let's say it's a hundred women. You know, have you ever raised your hand if you've ever witnessed or experienced behavior that it was unfair, unjust and illegal and you felt that you wanted to say something, but you didn't or couldn't? Every hand shoots up.

Every hand.

I don't know one person who's worked more than five to 10, five years who hasn't seen something that they know is wrong, but they don't say anything. So what are you going to do about that? I'd ask you to think about. Here's the practical tips. What are you tolerating or what are you witnessing that you know is wrong, but you are too afraid to say anything or to say stop? When you are in a situation where you feel you're going to be victimized or you're watching someone be victimized, you need to go outside the company, outside that ecosystem. Don't go to HR necessarily. You know, hr. For anyone who's listening, who's in hr. I don't mean this as a bash, but HR is not our friend. HR is often trying to support leadership in the execution of policies and procedures and behaviors that are going to support the company, but they're not your best friend. I've been hurt by HR people, badly. HR people that have chosen to not support the individual protect leadership. You know, they felt that was their role. But I've seen HR people do very unethical, if not illegal and unfair things. So when you're in a situation where you don't have the power, you got to go find the power. Leave. I mean, leave that day. I mean, I don't mean quit, although maybe you might need to seek legal counsel. For me, when I was laid off in a way that was brutal to my ego, I finally sought legal help and it was life changing. Life changing. So when you feel you're not strong enough to say no on your own, go get help. Go see a lawyer. You know, in this podcast, I interviewed Tom Spiggle, who's awesome, and he used to be a former federal prosecutor, and now he's a. An attorney who supports the rights of women who. He supports women who are about to be wrongfully fired or have been wrongfully fired. He's got so much great stuff to say, and we'll link to that underneath this podcast. But get Help to be able to finally say no to what is not tolerable. Right. There's no shame in needing outside help. I wish I'd gone to a lawyer so much, much before when I did, but it was quite an amazing experience and so empowering. Getting outside help isn't disempowering. If it's the right kind of help, the uplifting kind, it can be a life changer. We need to stop tolerating what is.

No longer tolerable now.

For some of you listening, it's quitting that job finally. Or for some of you, it's, I can't quit today, but I can quit in a year and I'm going to sock away some money and I'm going to change some of my finances and I'm going to do things differently so that within a year from now, I'll be able to quit. For some people, they can quit tomorrow. For some people, they're going to sue. It's a million ways you can do it. But stop saying yes to that which you need to say no to. Am I making sense? Hope so. Power Gap 6 We're getting there. Losing sight of your most thrilling dream. So if you can't name what you long for beyond this moment, or if you've lost sight of a dream or vision that used to excite you, you won't muster the bravery of power to make the necessary changes to leave an unhappy situation. So many people, this is so prevalent. You know, people say to me, I want to be this, I want to be that. I want to be a writer. I want to get my PhD. I don't want to do this job. I'm so bored. I'm on and on and on and on. But they've actually lost sight of a dream that motivates them to make change. And this is the hard thing. A lot of people will have a fantasy, but when I say, do you really want to start a bed and breakfast? Do you really want to start that nonprofit? They'll say, no, I really don't. I just. I don't even know what to dream for anymore. I'm just so unhappy. If this is you, this is a damaging place to be where you've lost hope, you've lost energy for the future. You're just so beleaguered. There used to be a dream there. I mean, I had it when I was 22, and it got stomped out of me because of the bad decisions I made. It was. I wanted to work in a very cool fiction publishing house that was publishing the best books of our time. That's what I wanted. And I wanted to start as an editorial assistant. Well, was that so that wasn't, you know, saying at age 60, I 58, I want to be an astronaut. That's perfectly doable. But then I took the first crappy job I got offered at 22, and two weeks later, Bantam Book sent me a letter. We got your resume. We'd love to interview you for an editorial assistant. And what did I say? I can't go to that. I can't quit a job I've just accepted. Yes, you could. Yes, you could have. You could have gone on the interview. You could have had it and seen what it led to, for goodness sake. And if it sounded amazing, you could have quit that job that you started two weeks ago. Yes, you could have. So what is the dream that you have let die? Now, sometimes, as I said, people fantasize about things that actually aren't the dream, but they just want something to fantasize about. And when you ask them, would you really want to run that bed and breakfast or would you really want to be a fashion designer, they say, no, I'm just grasping at straws. So you do have to figure out what is a dream. And the dream doesn't have to be a million steps away from you. It can be three steps away from you. I want to write a book. All right. If you want to write a book, you got to write something. Maybe you want to write a blog, an article. What path do you want to get at that's going to give you some more happiness in life? Okay, I hope that's helpful. And power gap number seven. Finally. Boy, I see this literally every single day of my working life. Allowing past trauma to define you. This includes dealing with a toxic or narcissistic manager or boss who's crushed your self esteem, or being fired or laid off in a way that makes you question everything you've ever been or done. It also includes failing. Failing at a project or endeavor that leaves you feeling very ashamed or insecure or less than. It's being told you're stupid. It's being bullied, it's being abused. It's even. Not even that seemingly dramatic. But I know people who were laid off. I was laid off with a hundred people, and yet I took it as if I was the only one. So some of how we process trauma is because it triggers something from the past. So if you've never felt good enough and validation is what you're longing for, and then you get Laid off. Even though it's a hundred other people, it's going to trigger, it's going to rub salt in that very wound that you have already had had for a long time. But you need to understand you are not your past. What you will have in the future is not a replica of the past unless you let it be. So if you've had a trauma that you can't overcome or something about your past, you need to work through that and release that and understand that is not something that has to repeat. But I'd also say this, I mean, we all hear this, but nobody can do it. You know, failure is how you learn. Failure is something to embrace, but nobody embraces failure. I mean, I know very few people that embrace failure. I'm getting much better at it because part of embracing failure is not overly attaching to a particular outcome. My book with this title is going to be published by this publisher in 2019. Well, maybe your book is going to be published, but not by that publisher, not by that title, and not with that framework. So often we overly attach to a particular outcome thinking we know what's right and actually we don't because sometimes what we get is not right. Like look, I wanted the job immediately because I had a Brooklyn apartment when I was 22. Yay, I got a job.

Woohoo.

It's the best thing. It was the worst thing. It was the worst thing in the world. It set me on an 18 year trajectory of a lousy, you know, a successful career on the outside. But I didn't enjoy it, didn't like it, didn't feel suited to it, didn't align with it. So I want you to look at the failure you think you are, the failures you've had, and actually turn it around. Is this really a failure? Or is this my life trying to teach me something, my life trying to give me something? Or even if it is a colossal failure, what did you learn from it? I always say you can't unring a bell. The bell has been rung. You failed at that, you're probably never going to fail in that same way you have learned something essential. You need to focus on that. That failure doesn't define you. That failure enriched you. We have to help ourselves, not let our past and not let our failures define us. So many people will look at, you know, one event out of 150. Well, they say our brain has a negativity bias, a fear bias, because we're, you know, the primitive self. The primitive brain is scanning the environment for Threats. So we're looking for, you know, we all laugh that we might get a hundred positive comments on Facebook and one negative one, and that's the one we'll think about. But we have to overcome our primitive brain in this way. We have to release the trauma that we're holding on to because it's a mistaken. It's a misguided way of interpreting reality. You are much more than the failures, and you are much more than the trauma you've experienced. But you need to get on the pathway to releasing that. And for that, most of us need outside help in the form of a therapist or a coach or an energy healer or whatever works for you, someone, a mentor. We need outside help. You know? Well, my favorite quote, I think my favorite quote in the world is Einstein's quote, you cannot solve a problem on the level of consciousness that created it. So there you go, my friends, seven power gaps. And I'm hoping that these practical steps will help you. Sometimes the right practical step is a little hard to tease out. So if you need help, you know where I am. I'm a coach that applies a therapeutic lens and a personal growth lens as well to what you're facing. I'd love to help you and love to help you dig deep, discover what's going on, and help you close any of these gaps. Some people say, Kathy, I have five of out of seven. Where do I begin? Begin with the beginning. Number one. Understand how amazing you are. Understand what you have to offer in this world. It is truly remarkable. Everybody from your, you know, this was my TEDX talk. Your ancestry, your cultural training, you know, the trials, the tribulations, the relationships that made you and the relationships that crushed you where you fell down, how you stood out, your natural gifts. All of these things come together in such a special way that you are like a thumbprint. You are absolutely unique. Now you have to understand how and leverage it and be strong enough to be powerful. Be strong enough to be powerful. Interesting. There's a lot to be said for that. All right, my friends, I hope this is helpful. Come, reach out to me. Let me know if you have questions or let me know the gap that you're struggling with most, and let me know if I can help you. And I hope you have an amazing Thanksgiving and just a wonderful start. We're gonna get bombarded with holiday songs starting very soon. I'm a singer, and I love them, but they're a little much for me too. But we're starting the holiday season, and your gift to me would be for you to find more power, more strength, more confidence and more self love today and in the new year. Okay my friends, thank you so much. Have a wonderful week and I'll see you next time. Bye bye.

Hello, Kathy here and thanks so much for tuning into today's episode. One quick thing I'd love to share before you go is about my new digital training program for organizations and professionals called the Most Powerful you, which is the companion to my book the Most Powerful seven Bravery Boosting Paths to Career Bliss. I'm so thrilled that recently an international division of the United nations brought in the Most Powerful you program as a training tool for members of their staff and I'm speaking with other global organizations right now to do the same. This program brings to organizations real world transformative training for leaders, teams and professionals to help them thrive at the highest level in their work and projects. So here's my Please take a look at what I'm training in the Most Powerful youl and you can find that@mostpowerful you.com and if you feel the content would be instrumental for you and your team, I hope you'll ask your leaders and DEI managers to bring in this training program to your company. It's truly transformational for work cultures everywhere and it generates amazing results. Thanks so much. And here's to you becoming the Most Powerful you.

Thanks so much for joining us today.

And please don't forget to check out finding brave.org for more programs, resources and tips. And tune in next time for your weekly dose of Finding Brave.