Finding Brave 88: How Stepping Away From Work and Leaving Your Comfort Zone Boosts Your Success

Hello, everybody. Kathy Cabrino here. And welcome to Finding Brave this week. How's it going? I think this is coming to you around mid September, I think September 12th. And so summer's come to a close. I'm still sitting here in the last gasp of summer, but I hope you've you just had an amazing summer and fall is off to a good start for you. I am really excited to come to you today and talk about this issue that I think is so important that so many of us don't do well enough. And I raise my hand that I'm guilty of doing this very poorly in the past. But I'm really working on changing this. And changing it has transformed things for me. So when that happens to me, I love to share it with you. And we're talking about three ways leaving your comfort zone zone and stepping away from work and who you are in your work can dramatically boost your success and your happiness and your productivity and a whole host of other things. So I really want to dive in and tell you what I experienced this summer that really changed things for me and how we can do what I'm about to describe, not just in the summer months, not just when, when we have an expanse of time available to step away from work, but how we can create this way of interrupting our own patterns right there in the moment on a Monday, on a Wednesday, you know, on a Saturday. Okay, so let's dive in. Let's dive in. So I do want to tell you, and I'm looking down because I have some notes because I did write a Forbes post about this, which of course I'll link to below. But I want to make sure I make some important points. But I want to tell you, you know, that I'm a career coach and an executive coach and leadership developer. And as such, I usually don't hear from as many people during the summer months as I do from September to May. It's crazy. I mean, the first few years that I coached in the career arena, I was just flabbergasted because I hadn't really seen seen this dynamic or understood it. But what happens is I think most corporate people who are unhappy in their jobs but who have a good benefits package and they might have four weeks off or two weeks off in the summer, they live for their vacations. They absolutely live for them. So they slog through stuff that they hate. I hate this boss. I hate this work. I hate how I'm treated here just to get to their summer vacation. So I don't tend to hear from people you know, from June 1st or certainly July 1st through September 1st. But I have to tell you, the day after Labor Day, my inbox blows up, and it pretty much goes like this, Kathy, I'm miserable. I'm back at work, and I got to have a change. That's how. How it goes. And I'll get many of those in the first few months of fall. And it always reminds me when I was in my unhappy corporate phase. I was in corporate life for 18 years in marketing and publishing. And some of it I loved, truly. Some of it was joyful. I never really did feel like I fit into that world well. It wasn't my real happy place. It wasn't my authentic place. But there were good years. But in the end, they were terrible. And I remember my husband and I would go to the Caribbean every year, usually around April. And I remember my mom saying, you know, Kathy, you can't live for vacation. And I remember thinking, why not? What's wrong with that? I love it. It's a myth. It's magical. It's amazing. I was, like, all defensive, but now I know why. And this is what I'm trying to tell you. If the rest of your year is crap and you live for that week off in the spring or that week, two weeks off in the summer, you. You know, or I'm telling you, and I hope you can hear this lovingly, something's got to change, because most of us work more hours than we play. And if it's really going like that, that you basically can't stand it till you're, you know, till you're waiting for your vacation, then this podcast is really. This episode is for you also. It's for you. If you are in your own business and you're killing yourself and you're working till midnight every night, and I'm raising my hand. I often have done that and do that, especially after finishing writing a book, which I just did August 15th, that I want to tell you about. But if you're seeing that you're exhausting yourself to the bone and things, you're not really happy in this work. This episode is for you as well. So what I want to talk to you about is when you are able to step away from the way you habitually do things and also from your comfort zone. Now, I need to make this clear. Most people I know, their comfort zone is actually not very comfortable. It's a box that they've put themselves in. They've created practices and habits and methodologies to make themselves feel Safe and secure. But safe and secure is not necessarily comfortable for most people I work with. We want to reach our highest potential and safe and secure will never let us do that. So when I'm talking comfort zone, I mean the uncomfortable comfort zone where you know it's safe and secure. But there's a part of you that thinks, what am I doing here? I don't like this. This is not me at my biggest, fullest, most exciting, most joyful. This isn't it. This isn't what I signed up for to come to this life to do. That's the comfort zone I'm talking about. And you know, I'd love to hear from you if I'm not making sense because truly I've seen that most people who say they're in their comfort zone are not comfortable, are not happy, are not joyful, are not thrilled. You know, it's not a full expression of who you really are. So I want to talk about how stepping away from that can change everything. And I want to give you example. So this past summer I did something I've never done before, which is this. I've traveled throughout Europe a lot in my younger years and I lived in London for a year when I was 20, so traveling to Europe is not stretching necessarily out of my comfort zone. And I gave a co hosted a retreat with several other women in Greece a few years ago, which that was stepping out of my comfort zone. But this summer I went to Italy on for 10 days, but it was seven days of a performance tour in four cities in Italy with the group. I sing with the Wilton Singers and I have never done anything like that. I've never performed, you know, with my voice vocally, internationally. I've never gone with a group of 50 people on a tour and we were together, there was a lot of togetherness. I've never done that. I've never really just let someone else plan a trip for me. That's not how I tend to roll. And I just showed up and here they were with my friends and you know, it was, it was an incredible experience. But it did do a few things. It stretched me out of my comfort zone in terms of me being control, me choosing who I'm going to be with, me choosing what I'm going to see in terms of singing in Italian, in, you know, in certain performances we sang in Italian for Italians, which, you know, stretches you out of your comfort zone because you're thinking, are you, are we going to be booed off the stage and singing in basilicas and churches. And oh my goodness, it was amazing. And it stretched me out of my comfort zone because I said, that's it, I'm unplugging. Which is so not like me. As you might know, I'm very engaged. If you write to me on LinkedIn, you'll hear from me back on LinkedIn or Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. I'm really engaged with everybody who writes me, who every course member. And I was in the middle of finishing a manuscript which was due August 15th, and the trip was July 26th through August 5th, and I agonized, should I bring my laptop? Should I bring my laptop? And of course everyone said, no, don't bring your laptop. I'll just unplug and experience. But of course then I brought my laptop, but thankfully I didn't open it once. Why am I carrying such a heavy thing? But I didn't open it once and I didn't look at my phone for work. Once I looked at Slack. That's where my team writes to me to make sure there was nothing urgent. But I really unplugged. And I want to tell you, coming back from that was a real game changer. And these are the three ways that it changed me. And I have heard and seen this with clients I work with, with mid to high level corporate professionals, with entrepreneurs, with small business owners. So here's what happens when you step away, when you unplug, when you do things that you wouldn't do normally. So the first way is you see much more clearly where you're doing too much. So if you've read my stuff, you know, I've coined this term perfectionistic over functioner. Actually I learned that term in marriage and family family therapy training where you're an over functioner, which means you're doing more than is healthy, more than is appropriate, and more than is necessary. I added the layer of perfectionism because every over functioner I've ever met is a perfectionist trying to get an A in all of it, when in fact a B and a C would be fine in some of it. So, so many driven entrepreneurs or corporate professionals or small business owners. Pos. Perfectionistic over functioners. They're doing too much and they're trying to be fantastic at it and they can't stand the idea of failure. They're also driven by fear. Fear that they're not good enough, fear that someone's going to find them out, fear that they're an imposter so they don't delegate well. And you know, I have to say this, because all of this applies to me. If you're not delegating well and you're not teaching other people how to expand their own roles, you're not a good leader, you're not a good manager. You're just making people crazy and you're going to exhaust yourself and have extreme burnout. It's going to go badly. It's not a recipe for success. Also, when you're a perfectionistic over functioner and you're in your own business or in your corporate life, I don't think you hire too well and too easily. It's hard for you to hire. It's hard for you to know, yeah, I need help here. It's hard for you to admit you need help. Oh, I work with so many professional women who don't want to admit I can't get everything done here. I'm working till midnight. Well, if you don't admit it and you don't share it, then the company expects that of you and thinks that you're handling it handily. Well, it's a mess. And the other thing that doing way too much is pointing to is that you're not focused on what really matters. And this is so true of small business owners and so true of what I've been through for years. So I've been doing this work 14 years in my own business. Um, I really resisted focusing on what I really want to do with the people that I really want to do it with. And you, if you're not focused on the niche that you want to serve, and if you're not focused on the way you authentically want to do it. So for anyone who runs a business, anyone who's a coach, anyone who has programs, services, products, you're a therapist, you're a consultant, you are going to be bombarded with, here's what you should be doing in your marketing here. Excuse me. Here's what you should be doing in your social media, here's what the kind of programs, here's the pricing. You're going to. Your head's going to explode with all the advice you're getting. And the reality is, unless you unplug from what you're doing and change it and don't work till midnight every night and don't know how to, don't learn how to delegate and don't learn how to focus, you're not going to really understand how to best build your business. You're going to be listening to everyone else and it's going to really go badly for you. So Unplugging, getting out of your comfort zone, doing things differently helps you come back and see, where am I doing too much and where am I scattered and where am I not hiring and not delegating and not trusting. Right. Okay. That's number one. The second key way that stepping away and stepping out of your comfort zone is going to transform you and boost your success and boost your happiness is you're going to come back and you're going to see the tough decisions that you need to be making and should have made and didn't. So what's an example of that? You know, so many people that I speak to and train want to be nice. They want to be kind, they want to be loving, they want to be perceived as nice. Unfortunately, and this is true for many women, I see this in women more than I do in the men I coach. Not all women, not all men. I don't mean to, you know, make a huge generalization, but what I do see with women is they shy away from the hard conversation sometimes. They shy away from sitting down with their staff member, with a colleague, even with their boss, and say, this is not working. But let's say it's, you have a team or you have a marketing partner or a social media partner or a consultant who's advising. When you step away, whether that's for a weekend or a day or 10 days in Italy and you come back, you see more clearly what upsets you, what isn't working, what's causing conflict, what's causing chaos, who on the team needs to be spoken to, who on the team needs to be fired, what your boss is doing that's making you crazy. You see it all so much more clearly. And part of the bit about stepping out of your comfort zone is, let's say, like I remember was it two years ago, I took my grown children to Ireland and we had an amazing time throughout Ireland. But then we went to Kilkenny and visited with Lorna Byrne, who I'm co hosting a retreat with in a few. In a few weeks, one week, actually, from when this comes out in Ireland. But I had never really taken them and managed a whole trip in Europe with my kids myself. You know what that does for you is you come back and, yeah, maybe a few things didn't go well. Maybe that tour wasn't right. Maybe you didn't get the right Airbnb. But in general, you come back, wow, you think, look what I just did. That rocked. And my planning skills are good, and my negotiating skills are good, and my Navigating skills are great. You know, I managed to plan this whole thing and it really worked. You come back changed because you see yourself in a different light and you see the skills that you have that maybe you never even knew you had, or you see them in a stronger way than you had seen them. So when back to the point number two, when you come back and see, wow, I haven't had the tough conversation I need to have, or I had not previously made the tough decisions, like, I'm going to have to fire this person or this agency or I'm going to have to pull away and end this program that I don't like delivering. You're able to make the tough decisions because you believe in yourself more and you proved to yourself that you are someone bigger and stronger and more capable and more resourceful and creative than you thought you were. The third, the third thing that you will understand when you step away and really unplug from all the chatter, all the noise, all the social media voices, all the political debate that makes you sick to your stomach, that's me right now. I'm pulling away from media, from headlines. I'm being incredibly careful what gets into my brain. I am turning off all the political debate. I can't stand it. It doesn't feed me. And actually, you know, being gone 10 days and not reading any of it, I came back and nothing had changed. Not a darn thing. There was nothing I really missed. Nothing is changing now. That doesn't mean I'm going not to. You know, I'm going to be a hermit and not listen to the news, but I'm going to be incredibly careful how much time I'm focused on the news and the media and what I'm choosing, which channels, websites. I'm going to be incredibly more careful because it's a time suck and an energy suck and a soul suck. So there's another tip for you. Be incredibly careful. And I've interviewed Michelle Gillen on this. On this podcast, who was a broadcaster. I think it was cbs. And what she saw was just. I think the research shows something like just eight minutes of negative news of news, national news can alter your mood for the entire day because it's all negative. We all know that when you watch any news channel, it's all what's terrible. There's, there's very little that's redeeming and inspiring and, you know, uplifting. So, all right, back to when you come back from unplugging and when you come back from stretching out of your comfort zone, and doing something dramatically different from what you normally do. That's the key. It's got to be very different in every way from what you normally do and what you normally are. The third thing you're going to see is that you realize there are healthier, more joyful actions you should be taking. I don't like the word should. Let me take that back. That you want to be taking, but you haven't allowed yourself so unplugging for 10 days. And then I came back and then impromptu family vacation in Maine and just doing what we wanted, just spending a day doing two days, three days, you know, in a beautiful state like Maine, just doing what you want, not worried about checking the phone and checking social media and who's writing something that I need to know about. So you also realize, many people that I speak with, you realize how little sleep that you're getting, which can be so detrimental to your health. You realize the non healthy habits you have. For me, it's a lot of coffee. I drink decaf with a little regular in it. But I overdo it because I can have a bit of an addictive personality, which my family is well aware of. But it's too much, it's too acidic, it's too much. How about water? You know, how about a little water with a tiny splash of juice? How about how I eat? How about the exercise I'm getting, or not getting? So for me, a stretch out of my comfort zone is I got back into tennis. I used to be a great tennis player when I was very young. I got back into it in a small way this spring. Well, I signed up for a weekly wonderful clinic indoors. I'm doing it, I'm doing it now. That stretches me out of my comfort zone. Comfort zone because I'm already out Tuesday night singing, rehearsing, so this will be Monday night as well. I love tennis. I come back so refreshed and joyful and filled up. Why wouldn't I commit to doing that once a week? And all of these things become clearer when you've stepped away from how you're so beleaguered, so overworked, so perfectionistically over functioning. So are there healthful, joyful, inspirational activities you know you want to do? Maybe it's taking that art course, maybe it's starting to write a blog, maybe it's traveling more, maybe it's volunteering in Ghana, maybe, who knows what it is? But it's time to do it. It's time to do it because I promise you, you will come back Transformed. And then what you'll also do when you take time away and see yourself differently, is you're going to start shedding the things that don't work. Shedding. And I'm going to be honest, shedding the people that don't work. There are people in your life today, friends, family, who make you crazy, who don't uplift you, who drain you. Well, it's time for boundaries. That's another piece that you come back and learn. I need to set a boundary. This person makes me so unhappy and is so negative and so toxic. I love this person. They're in my life. But I'm gonna have to make a boundary that I haven't had the courage to make before. What other healthy, joyful actions do you know you want to make? You just didn't think you had it in you to do. So this is what stepping away is going to do for you. And in the end, you know when you're looking back 10 years from now, 20 years from now, when you're 100 looking back, these are the things that if we don't do them, we regret when we're at the end of our time. I know because I've spoken to some people at the end of their time and watched my dad pass away, which is still heartbreaking, even though it was six years ago. They're not talking about, I should have worked harder. I should have made more money. They're talking about I should have done what I wanted. I should have done what I authentically wanted. I should have shed what was hurting me. I should have stood up for myself. I shouldn't have kept making those same mistakes. Those are the kinds of regrets people have at the end of their life. So what I'm asking you to do is find a way now. Like, after you listen to this podcast on September 12th, I think it is. Think about Brainstorm. How can I unplug? How can I unplug? Stop doing what I'm doing. Turn off the chatter in every way, Mostly social media, disconnect from work. And I know some of you are going to say, I can't do that. There's no way. Someone on Twitter was writing me. What do you mean? Let go. I can't do that. Okay, you're pushing back. When people push back like that, they're defensive. They're like, she can do that, but I can't do that. Anyone can do this. I'm saying unplug for three hours. Go to a lake, Sit by the lake with your dog. Don't bring Your phone. Leave your phone in the car. I'm saying have a conversation this week with the person who's making you crazy. And it could be your boss. Sit down and say, I love this job and I love these. Oh, I just got an email from someone just today who said, I have a terrible boss who is so disrespectful. And not just to me, not to anyone else. Well, it's time to have a discussion with that boss. Unless they're a narcissist, then you're going to do it differently. But if you can, if the person does seem open, sit down with your boss. Hey, listen. And she did say, this woman, I love my work. I don't want to quit. Well, then sit down and say, can I have a discussion with you? It seems to me that we might have a bit of a rift and I really want to do my part to close that. Can I understand, do we have a rift? Do we have a problem? So, yes, we can justify. Yes, we can be defensive. No, you know, I can't do that, Kathy. I can't unplug. I can't. But you can. You just have to do it in the way that fits with your life. So, you know, really, this is a finding, brave move, really stretching out of your comfort zone and stop perfectionistic, over functioning, stop doing too much, learn how to delegate, learn how to hire, learn how to have the tough conversations. I really think that you're going to feel so transformed and so uplifted and I really think that's the quickest path to becoming your highest self and fulfilling your highest potential, which I think is why we're here. I hope that's helpful, my friends. Let me know. I would love to hear. Wherever you see this posted, please let me know, what have you done? That's a shift within you that, you know, how did you unplug? What did you do differently? How did you get out of your comfort zone? And what did you come back learning about yourself that has changed everything. I'd love to hear. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for being here. Oh, I wanted to share with you that this book that I've mentioned, now we have an official title and it's with HarperCollins in the US and Murdoch Books in Australia and New Zealand and the British Commonwealth, which so exciting. It's called the Most Powerful you and the subtitle is 7 Bravery Boosting Paths to Career Bliss. So, you know, it's all about closing these seven power gaps and how to become more powerful. Because the reality is without power, without internal power and access to external power. You can't do what you want to do in the world, and you can't have the impact in the Voice and make the difference that you want to. And so there you go. Stay tuned. Do sign up for my newsletter@kathy caprino.com if you haven't already, for news about that, because we're going to have giveaways and book tours and all sorts of wonderful things going on associated with that book. And I am launching very soon a closure Power Gaps membership program, a training program, a monthly training program. And there are two levels. One that's, you know, very affordable, one that's a bit of a higher level accelerator mastermind for how do we assess that we have these seven power Gaps if we do, and then what exactly do we need to do to close them to become the most powerful version of you? All right, folks, thanks so much for being here. I love you. I missed you. I gotta say, this summer I did miss you in that we didn't have some for six episodes, that we did some repeats of the most favorite episodes that my wonderful podcast editor, Matt Mawinney chose. So I didn't do some new episodes, but here we go. Now we're on the path to new shows. And I hope you enjoy these and you love these and you get a lot out of this episode. I'd love to hear from you. Okay, take care, everybody. I'll see you next week. And thank you so much. Bye.