Hate Networking? Here's How To Rock At It

Hello, everybody. This is Kathy Caprino. And welcome to my Facebook Live all about how do we brave up and muster the courage and confidence and strength and commitment and perseverance to build the life and career that you dream of. So, you know, here we are, 12:01. Somehow I seem to be late to every one of my live videos and I apologize for that. I'll do better, I promise. It's a little bit of one of my challenges time. But today we're talking about how do we connect bravely. So if you stay tuned to my TED Talk coming up on October 28th for TEDx Centennial Park Women, you'll hear me talking about three key aspects of how we brave up. I feel that there are 10. So in this series, I'm going to talk about all 10 and then continue to give you ideas and strategies and tips and solutions about how do we brave up, which to me is the biggest challenge, particularly for women today. And I don't think we're brave enough yet, not by a long shot. So let's talk about connecting bravely. And you know, I want you to know I don't really have notes for this. I'm just kind of talking. And what I love to share is if something's bothering me, if something is agitating me or upsetting me or it's really on my mind, then I'm pretty sure it's on your mind too. So what I want to start with is this. Haven't we heard the word networking? That we need to be networking. We need to be finding mentors and sponsors and influencers and, and isn't our head about to explode? And I want to share this. Please give me a thumbs up if anything that I'm sharing resonates with you. And please ask your questions here. That's absolutely, I'm sorry, I'm reading my comment here. That's absolutely what I'm going for here. I would love to share what I'm thinking, but then I want to help you in person with your questions, so please do that. Okay. All right. So networking, it's fascinating because I write about networking on Forbes, I train about networking, but recently I'm like up to my craw with the word networking. And I'm going to tell you why that is and you know where that comes from. But, well, let me just give you the context. So I write a blog on Forbes called Career Bliss, and it's gotten to the point where I hear from over 400 people a month, not a week, good lord, a month, pitching either their client or themselves or a company or a new product or a new app to be covered in Forbes. So I'm hearing from 400 plus people that way and I'm hearing from probably 4 to 500 other people for other things. So I feel like I have my finger on the pulse of how people try to network. And I want to tell you, after reading, and I do look at every single pitch from my Forbes blog, but I might only take a second. I'm going to tell you why. Some are very engaging and I say yes to, but that's a tiny, precious few. The majority are not pitches. They're not the way you should network. They're not the way you should reach out. And I would say that sadly, I see a lot of things on LinkedIn and a lot of things in my inbox that are not the way to network. They're not the way to connect. So I want to talk a little bit about networking. Then I want to talk about what is connecting bravely. What is it to engage with people, to build a tribe who loves you, to be of service and uplift others through your connection rather than networking. Let me just network with your hand out, with your business card out. Okay, so let's talk about networking for a minute. I've learned a few things about networking, and here's the first thing I'm going to share. Most people dread it. Most people are afraid of it. I've heard from introverts who say, it's just so not my cup of tea. I've heard from extroverts who say, I don't like it, I hate it. So the first thing I want to talk about for a minute about networking is this. You know what I learned when I was in, when I was a VP in my most unhappy corporate job, that was toxic and sickening for me. And even before that, even in roles that I somewhat liked, I didn't like to network. And I'll tell you why that is and tell me if this resonates with you. We don't like to network when we don't have anything good to say. So we don't like to network when we don't like our role, when we hate our boss, when we think our corporate culture is toxic, when we think we're not doing the work that we're meant to do. And when we don't like ourselves in the work, we don't like to network. So, you know, that's, that's principle number one. And why is that? This is what I believe we are happiest and freest and most comfortable when we can just talk from the heart and tell the truth. We are not good at communicating when we're lying. You know, I've studied a lot of energy work, energy healing, and because I'm a communications person, I can see in one second when someone's lying and I can see in one second when someone's embellishing because their energy changes, their body language changes, their voice changes, the timbre of their voice changes. So we don't like to lie and fake it and say great things when we don't feel great things. So, number one, that's why networking can be hard for people who don't like what they're doing. And, you know, I found when I wasn't really a staunch supporter of the company I work for, that was really hard, too, because I couldn't really, honestly, authentically say great things. So if you're struggling with that dimension, how do I go to a meeting where I'm meeting strangers and I have to talk about myself, but I don't even like what I'm doing? I want to give you a tip about that, which is this in order to connect. And I want to forget networking for a minute. What I want to talk about is how do I connect from my heart, from my soul, from my spirit, how do I engage with someone and listen to them, uplift them? And yes, most people want it to be reciprocal. They don't just want to give, they want to get. But right out of the gate, you can't be coming at someone with your hand out, right? But, you know, the, the best tip I would give you if you're in a situation where you don't really like what you're doing, but you have to network. You have to find something about what you're doing or what you want to do that you can be truthful about and excited about and exuberant and passionate about. It can be one little thing. You can do 50 things at work and 49 of them make you miserable, but one of them lights you up. I was just talking to a client yesterday who is an engineer and works for probably the best and leading data storage and analysis organization. And I asked her, well, let's get to the heart of it. What is it? What are the outcomes that your company delivers to Fortune 500 companies that you love? And what was interesting is she hadn't teased it out that way ever before. And it was, you know, I would say not easy. But that's one tip I'm going to give you if you don't like what you're doing, but you want to talk about yourself in an enlivening way, look at the outcomes that you or your company delivers that you're proud of, it may be 1, 1 millionth of what you do every day. Maybe for instance, you speak to customers, you know, one day a month, but the rest of the time you're doing sales and marketing. You know, another. On another aspect, well, let's say you love working with customers. You love hearing what they like and what they don't like about your product. You love bringing that information back. Like, you know, for years I spent time in market research. I have to say, I adored it. I loved doing focus groups, hearing from the teachers we were serving, hearing from the software engineers we were serving in our book clubs. So find the thing, find the outcome that you deliver or your company delivers. The change, the needle that moves because of you and because of the work that this organization does and talk about that. The second thing about networking, which I'm saying is the non networking, it's connecting. If you can't really talk in a way that highlights, showcases how amazing you are, then then I would suggest this. Talk about what you want to do. So let's say you're a marketing director and you're bored senseless and you don't like the company and you don't like the work, then talk about what you want. Hi, I'm Kathy Caprino, I'm a marketing vp and you know, currently we focus on blah, blah, blah, blah. My real passion or my deepest passion is blip. Then you'll be able to shine. Then you'll be able to tell the truth. Then you'll be able to reveal who you really are. Right? So that's one thing about networking. Let's talk about the thing I think we should be doing more of is connecting bravely from the heart. So let's dimensionalize what that means. I think that so many people today, particularly women, do not know how to speak about themselves in a way that's engaging and compelling. So they hide their own light. And a lot of people tell me, I don't know what to say to a stranger when I'm in a meeting or a meetup or an industry association meeting or a conference. I don't know what to say. So I would say to you this. What we want to do is make a memorable connection with people that we like. You know, we don't need to make a memorable connection with someone who is distasteful to us or that we don't connect with, but we want to make a meaningful connection with the people that inspire us, with the people that make us think, wow, I'm going to learn something from that person. I want to follow that person on Twitter. Wow, that talk she gave was so interesting. I want to know more. So what do you say to someone? Well, I would say this. The easiest way is to not come with your hand out and ask for what you want. But sorry about that. That was a phone call. And I'm sure there's a way to turn off my phone so that doesn't happen. Sorry, I'll do that if I can next time. So the reality is, most people like to talk about themselves in some way. They like to get questions that make them be able to share about themselves a little bit. So what you want to do when you're connecting with people is start by and let's talk about this. Let's say an email. You're reaching out to a stranger. You know what really blows me away? Don't do this. When I get a lot of LinkedIn invites, right, I'll go through, I'll say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Immediately, I'll get a canned LinkedIn response. Thanks for connecting. Here's what my business does. I'm really turned off by that. I'm really turned off. Is anybody else turned off by that? I didn't connect with you so that you could pitch me. Now, some people are going to really violently disagree with that. No, that's not right. LinkedIn is for us to tell each other what we do. No, it isn't. It's to build a meaningful connection. And if the autoresponder that comes is a pitch for your business. And here's another thing that really annoys me. I'm going to let it rip. Hi. Without even my name. So I know it's kind of just an autoresponder. You know, here's what I do, and, you know, I help businesses like you get new clients. I'd love to offer you a free call. Oh, my gosh, I'm getting pitched. I'm getting pitched. And secondly, you know, I don't need a free call from you to get new clients. So, you know, often, I would say 98% of the time, these autoresponders are really amiss for me and my business. And if they spent any time on my profile, they. They wouldn't send this canned thing. That's a pitch. I'm so turned off. And I think I'm turned off because I Get hundreds of them a month and it's just an annoying thing. So don't connect that way. Be of service, not by pitching. But let's say I say yes in a LinkedIn invite. Let's say you really want to know more, then write me a note. You know, hi, Kathy, I follow you on this. So here's another tip. When you connect with someone, give them a reason to understand why you're connecting. Give them a reason to open the email. Give them a reason to stop what they're doing on their overwhelmed day and learn more about you. And that isn't going to be a pitch from you. I've had people write me, you know, on LinkedIn, here's my resume. Can you help me find a job? Really? I don't know who you are. No, I can't do that. It's so misguided. It's so misguided. And I don't mean to sound snarky, but I'm just going to tell you the truth here. The way we connect is hi, I followed your Forbes blog and your latest post really spoke to me or hi, I was so excited to see what you're doing at Apple. It's really inspiring. I would love to hear more. So connect from a place of not what you need, but what you want to give and how you want to make that person's day. You know, I follow Shawn Achor's work. Happiness, work. Follow him, watch his TED Talk the Happy Secret to better Work. He's so funny and wonderful and I've met him and he's just the best. Why did I bring him up? Happiness, Happiness, connecting. I'm forgetting why I brought him up. I think I just wanted to introduce you all to him. But do watch his TED Talk and his course 21 days to a Happier Life. But I think what I want to weave in here is ah, that's what it was. Random act of kindness. Shawn's research has showed that there are shown that there are five ways that we can access happiness today that you know, in our culture, in our society, we're trained, work hard, then you'll be successful, then you'll be happy. And it's just absolutely backwards. It's wrong. That isn't how you become happy. Happiness is a practice. Happiness is a choice and you have to make that choice and you have to develop practices that support your access to happiness. So one of them is every day for 21 days. And his research shows that when you take these steps consistently for 21 days, you have a reset in terms of your access to happiness. So try it out. Try it out. But one of the steps is engage in a random act of kindness every single day. You know, it's funny. I live in Connecticut, and I was just driving through my town the other day, and the policemen were out stopping cars, and I thought, oh, great, what's this about? They were handing out yellow roses as a random act of kindness with a little postcard that said, you know, we, the police department, want to show our appreciation to the residents and, you know, thank you. Thank you for being a resident here. And it was also from the chamber of commerce. Commerce. Thank you for doing business here. There's my little yellow rose. It totally made my morning. Random act of kindness. If you want to connect and make a difference, engage in random acts of kindness every day. Send an email to someone who has engaged you, inspired you, educated you, uplifted you, made you think. Just do it without the thought of, what am I going to get back? What am I going to get back? What am I going to get back? And how is this person going to help me? I promise you, your world will change, and the way that you connect is going to be deeper and richer. I want to also say this. If you're struggling to bring your whole self to connecting and networking, what I found is there's a block. There's an internal, energetic block to doing it. Let me explain. For some people, because they've had trauma in their life, because people have hurt them, because people aren't safe, because people have backstabbed them, because they've lost their confidence, because they've been laid off and they don't know how to talk about themselves. Some people find networking and connecting very scary because it feels unsafe to them because they've had an experience in life where it is unsafe. So if this resonates with you, I would ask you to sit with yourself and think deeply about what's happened in my past. That makes it very scary or uncomfortable to connect with strangers. You know, what comes to my mind is we're all tall as little children. Don't talk to strangers. Right? I mean, for some children, I noticed, I, you know, I have two children, they're grown now. But what my daughter internalized and what my son internalized by the same messages, don't talk to strangers is very different. But some people internalize these messages in ways that are scary to them. Don't talk to strangers. Strangers are dangerous. Well, for many people, they've carried that through into adult life. I find, you know, and I'VE had to think about this because with 25 million views now of my posts, I'm out there in a big way. And yes, I hear from people that are stalkerish or, you know, hey, you're beautiful, want a date? You know, I hear from people that act like LinkedIn is Tinder, if you know what I mean. But I don't want to let that stop me from engaging widely and spreading my wings. I don't let the occasional scary thing or curious, curious thing stop me. But if you feel like it's scary to speak to strangers, I would ask you to think about what has influenced that. Was it your childhood? Was it messages you received? Was it that you got bullied and people, you internalize the message? People are cruel. People are going to hurt me. So this is kind of the deeper level of networking because so many people struggle with it that to me it's not just a tactic, it's not just a behavior. We want to bring our whole self to it. Right? We want to be able to shine our light and connect with people who are going to nurture us and we can nurture them. Really. I feel like the key is you want to build a tribe of people that will do anything for you because they think the world of you. But first you have to demonstrate who you really are. Your heart, your soul, your brilliance, your gifts. So the final thing is connecting is an activity from the heart. It's about listening and receiving, but it's also about sharing. So the final piece I want to throw out to you is again, do you really know what makes you amazing? And most of you, I'm guessing, might say, I have no idea. And not only do I have no idea, I don't know how to speak about that. And that was covered in previous videos. But I think finally the impediment to deep soulful connection is that you don't understand that you're worthy of that. You don't understand how brilliant and how talented and how important you are. You don't have a sense of that. So the other step. Hi Havilah, how you doing? I'm going to put my glasses on in a minute and read your note. Thank you. I would love you to spend some time take my career path assessment, which is on my website, Kathy Caprino.com free assessment, right? Take that. It takes hours. It's not a quickie little thing. And no, you don't get a score. It's you answering these questions so you understand the brilliance and the amazingness of you. Take that. Also take My action style quiz and understand what is your dominant action style. It's been amazing. I think something like 6,500 people have taken it now. And what I'm learning about this is this quiz was to test what is your authentic style? And I'll tell you the five striver, seeker, pacer, researcher, challenger, and advocator. And by the titles, you'll probably some of you know exactly what you are. But there's incredible underlying information that you're going to want to read when you take this quiz. And you can find that@kathy caprino.com Actionstylequiz but what's interesting is people are sharing with me, oh, my gosh. My style now is this. But I really want it to be that. Or in order to succeed in my job, I have to be a striver. And really, I don't want to be. So take the quiz, take the career path assessment and start to get more intimately connected with who you really are. And I promise you, when you embrace why you're on this planet at this time and how important you are and how important your gifts and talents and skills and even your perspective, no one is like you. Right? Let me give you an example. I'm raised by a Greek mother and Sicilian father. You know, crazy, crazy different. I've always been on the fence, looking down at different cultures. I was raised Greek Orthodox, but sang in St Patrick's Cathedral for a year in the choir. Really interesting not to be Catholic and sing in a. In a preeminent Catholic cathedral. My perspective has always been a little bit on the outside of things, which allows me to write and speak and train in a different way. What are your special unique filters, perspectives, traumas, trials, tribulations that make you. You learn about them and then start speaking about them? I hope that's helpful. All right, I'm going to take a question if it's. If you got one. Havilah. Ah, thanks. One of the best ways I find to practice this is talking to people in store checkout lines. Love it. I recently read that those of us that are stranger talkers spread joy. I love that. Havalah. You know, that's really funny. My kids say to me, mom, really? You're going to stop and talk to that person? Everywhere we go, I somehow the person starts talking about their work from the AT&T store to TJ Maxx to the grocery store to, you know, me standing in line at Staples. And I think it's because I'm curious. I'm so curious about what people do for A living. You know, some people say. I hate that question because I think you're prying about how much money I'm making. It couldn't be farther from the truth. I feel that what people do for a living is incredibly indicative and either of what they love and what they want to do more of or what they wish to shift out of. And you can tell in two minutes when someone talks about their work. I'm fascinated. To me, it's like research. And I love to hear people talk about what they do because it's so incredibly telling. And I think that it's true. Stranger talkers, when they come from the right place in their heart, spread joy. And that's a bihavala. That's a beautiful way to end this. Let's think about. Forget about networking for a month. Forget it. Don't use the word. Think about connecting, building your tribe, spreading joy, random act of acts of kindness, letting your light shine. Think about that and see if you can come to the idea of connecting with people in a different way. That's enlivening and exciting. All right, anybody else have a question? Anything I can answer? All right. And if you're watching this afterwards, after the live, send me your questions. What do you struggle with? With networking? What's so bad? What's so scary? How's it gone badly for you? And let me help you because I think once we figure out how to connect easily and naturally and shine that light, engaging with the human race is a whole different endeavor and fun. All right, everybody, thanks so much and I'll see you next Tuesday at noon. Bye. Bye.