How snarkiness and other communication flaws hurt your success

Hello, everybody. Kathy Caprino here. Welcome to my Facebook Live. I'm going to wait one second and make sure we're connecting with people. If not, it's my Internet connection. I'm going to have to do something about it. So let's wait one second and see what happens and where we are talking today about. Yay. All right, people are here. We're talking today about communication and how your communication style, whether you know it or not, is helping you or hurting you. All right, so let me begin by giving you a personal story about. About why I care about this, what I didn't know, and how it hurt me. Let me start there. So when I was in my corporate life, I knew nothing about communication. You know? Yeah, I was a writer, a copywriter, and I thought I knew about communication, but really I didn't. And it was only until I became a marriage and family therapist that my eyes were opened. And that's because marriage and family therapy has kind of its foundational principles based in communication theory. You know, power dynamics, hierarchy, metamessages. So what I learned there as a therapist is we can't not communicate. Everything we do is communication. Everything from the way we roll our eyes, from what we don't say, our body language, the words we choose, the tone, what we're not saying, when we're saying what we're saying. Oh, it's fascinating. So through that, I saw lot about how we are engaging with people in ways that unconsciously are either solidifying our relationships or burning bridges. So what I really want to do for folks is help you gain awareness. Greater awareness equals greater choice. And as long as we're doing this stuff consciously, as long as we are choosing consciously how we want to show up in the world and how we want to behave and how we want to build relationships with people, you know, then it's good. It's the unconscious stuff that we want to be aware of because it's hurting us. Right. So I was thinking the other day that I really wanted to share this. So here it goes. I want to talk about snarkiness because I. You know, I get a lot of emails every month, hundreds. And I got a lot of comments. And the ones that rankle me the most, the ones I really don't like the most, are the snarky ones. And I'm gonna tell you why. But it goes back to a story about, I don't know, seven years ago, maybe, there was a guy who was kind of considered a marketing guru, and he had a lot of followers on one social media platform. And I loved what this guy had to say, and I thought his marketing advice was great. And I knew that there was kind of a snarkiness about. About what he did, but it seemed very funny and I loved it. And then I went to hear him speak. And I have to say, while I was sitting there hearing him speak for about a hundred people, what struck me was truly how snarky he is. And let me just say, this snarkiness, which I'm meaning as rude, disrespectful, put down cruel, making fun, making. Making harsh fun of people. You know, there's a place for that. Comedy is filled with that. I used to love Don Rickles, and wow, he was as snarky as you get. But I'm talking business. I'm talking about when we're trying to formulate relationships with people. I'm talking about everything you do in your professional life. So I'm watching him, and he is snarking all over the place. He's making fun of people who've done stupid things in marketing. And I remember laughing, but feeling kind of uncomfortable, like, what is this? But I still admired what he had to say. So I'm telling you the story because I want you to see how far ranging what you do is. So a few weeks after I went to see him, I was new on LinkedIn and I had something like a thousand connections. Now I've got 10,000 connections and 460,000 followers. So things have changed. But I was new to it. And at that time, and I don't even know if you can do this now, I downloaded the email contact information of my direct connections and I uploaded that to my newsletter. Now that you can't do any longer. For every reputable newsletter platform, you have to. You have to say that you have permission to add these people, that you're not just blindly adding them. But I didn't have that then, didn't know, and I added them. And I added this guy because he was a connection. So I sent out my newsletter, and it was about something about women and careers. And this is what I get back from him. Nothing about my name. This is what it says. Why would you think I'm interested in this information? That's what he said. This guy who I just paid good money to hear, this guy who I'd been following for a year or six months, this guy who I so admired said, why would you think I would be interested in this? So, you know, when I do that kind of stuff, it's a Mistake. I know it. But I thought, yeah, he would be interested because even though it's about women, I'm sure he knows women in the business world who are struggling with these issues. So I was so hurt. And so I wrote him back. Wow. Okay. Thanks for your note. I didn't mean to offend. It was something like this. I truly thought that this might be helpful to you because you know women, a lot of women in the business world for whom this could be useful. Sorry, I was mistaken. I'll remove you right now. But what I want to tell you is I will never forget that as long as I live. And the ironic thing, and I'm going to be a little snarky. I now have 50 times the followers he has. You know, at least one platform. And now I have 20 million followers. 20 million. 25 million views of my. My blog, blogs, blog posts. But 20 million on Forbes. I could have been of help to this guy at some point, but that one response has made me eject him out of my orbit. I don't want anything to do with him ever again. So I want to show you how this works. And I want to talk about snarkiness for a minute. Snarkiness is easy. We all know how to be snarky. It comes really easy to the human species. That's not what you want to do in the world, right? That's not the hard thing. That's not inspiring. That's not leadership. That's not managing. That's just being an ass. And listen, folks, give me a thumbs up if any of this is resonating, will you? I'd really like. I'd love to hear from you. Let me know. And Abs. Thank you. Thank you. And I want you to type your comments and your challenges. I want this to be interactive. So I'm going to speak for about 20, 25 minutes and then I want you to please ask me your questions. But snarky is easy. What's hard is to be a teacher. What's hard is to be kind. What's hard is to be gentle and patient and compassionate. Right? That's the hard thing. So the reality about you being snarky or me being snarky is that it reveals much more about you than about the person you're being snarky to. It reveals some things you don't want to be revealed. Okay, am I making sense? So if you're going to be snarky, choose it. Don't do it out of a knee jerk firing off an email. Don't do it, choose it consciously when it's deserved. But for most people on the planet, it is not deserved. Okay, so that was my, that was me on my soapbox. So I want to talk about what is effective communication. And I'm talking about in business, in your work, in your professional life, but it's also applicable in your, in your personal life too. What is effective communication? I want to talk about what's the opposite of effective communication and how do you know you have a problem with your communication? That's what I want to talk about. So I've got some notes here and I want to tell you I have a career success training tele class series. It's 12 parts, one hour tele classes that I will link to below this. And it has really important career success topics and training that I don't think you want to miss. And it's really affordable at 97 bucks. So I'll link to that. And one of the whole, one of the modules is on communication. So let's talk about what effective communication is. First of all, it motivates and engages and enlivens people. It doesn't smell smack them down. Right. It educates. So for instance, he could have written back, you know, Kathy, thanks for the newsletter. I have to say that because I'm a guy, you know, this doesn't really speak to me. Please remove me. The ironic thing for me is I have a lot of guys on my newsletter and in my courses and I have about five male clients right now. So the fact that men assume it's just all for women, well, that's their mistake. You know, Once again, however, not to beat a dead horse, he could have educated me without smacking me down, right? So effective communication motivates people, motivates them to wow, okay, I learned something here, right? And I didn't learn it in a way that I'm licking my wounds. It also moves the action forward in positive ways. So if you're a great communicator and you're in business, you're own business, or you're a manager or a leader or a vice president, you'll know you have great communication. When you have a meeting, you talk about the vision that you have for a project or for the next direction and people want to take action, they want to support it, right? They're enlivened, they're motivated to do something with that. The third piece that makes effective communication is that it builds on other people. You know, I did a post and video on humility. I sigh because humility is mistaken in our society in some ways. In some ways, it's pressuring women in particular to be shy and unassertive and not proud and not confident. And that's why I'm not a fan for humility the way culture today demands it. For women, on the other hand, there is a need for humility in that it can't be all about you. It can't be all about your narcissistic world. Everything you do and everything you've thought is building on something that came before. I mean, there are very few brand new ideas in the world, let's face it. So I talk about this in my TEDx talk. Time to brave up. It's so important that you build on other people's contributions because then you, you're eliciting a feeling of collaboration, that it's not all about you furthering your agenda. It's about building on what other people have thought and done and contributed. And that's really important too. It empowers other people. Again, are you slapping them down? Are you making them feel like I have an example of that? Can I share it? Let's say this. I was witness to a leader of a group that I'm in. Slap down someone so hard and in some ways I'm an empath. Anybody else an empath, you can kind of feel what other people are feeling. I could feel what this person felt. And I just, I knew that this person never wanted to return to this group ever again. You never want that. And if that's how you're going to speak as a leader of a group of fifty or one hundred or a thousand, you need some communication training. Because slapping down and making someone never want to return, that's not what you're going for, right? You want to empower other people. And again, doesn't mean you're not going to correct. We're going to talk about how you correct, how you course correct, but in a way that doesn't flatten a person, right? And yeah, it fosters self reliance and trust. So here's another thing I see in parenting and in leadership. A lot of people who are in a leadership position or a managerial position who are not confident go out of their way to try to make people think that they're indispensable. Do you know what I'm talking about? Micromanagers who can't get out of the, can't get out of it. And it's all about, listen, you know, you need to follow the way I do it and you need to model Everything the way I do it. Well, what kind of managing is that? You know, haven't we all had micromanagers and haven't many of us had micro parents? Micromanaging parents. The hover parent that won't let the kid think that won't let the kid do it the way he or she wants to do it, right? Or, you know, I work with a lot of women and we talk about the dynamics with our spouses. How many women do we know, including ourselves, who maybe we go out for the night with our kids and our husband going to cook dinner for us and we get home and the kitchen is a mess and we're already snarky about how the dinner is being cooked when in fact, when you do that, when you can't let someone even do the task that they they've been given to do or they volunteered to do without criticizing them, how likely are they going to be to contribute again? Do you know what I'm talking about? Alright, this is all about your communication. And finally, great communication shares an inspired vision. So think about the people you follow. You know, 1512 of you are watching this. You must follow. Probably not must. Maybe you follow my blogs, maybe you read my Forbes posts. People who have followers have a vision of what life could be, what success looks like, right? And they're talking about it, hopefully in brave ways. I love this. Thank you guys. And if they're doing a good job of it, they're inspiring you with that vision so that you want to participate and you want to craft your own version of that vision, right? That's what great communication does. So let's talk about the flip side. What makes communication ineffective? Okay, number one, the snarkiness. Again, I'm just going to say this. The snarkiness reveals your inability to be patient, your inability to be a good teacher, your lack of compassion and gentleness. That's what it reveals. Here's some other things that make communication ineffective. It's. And I'm going to give you some examples if I can. It's overly emotional. So, you know, I, I made every one of these mistakes a million times. And I made them a lot in my corporate life because I never really felt like I rocked it in the corporate world. I often, I need a little sip of water. I often felt misunderstood. I often hated the politics because I couldn't be honest. Who struggles with politics here? Because I felt like if I really told the truth, it would go very badly. I felt like, I felt like it was theater half the time. And some of it was the organizations I was in. Some of it were, was about the dynamics that were, that were demanded that you couldn't really tell the truth. You know, like, all right, next year we need you to double revenue but there will be no increase in expenses. Really? You really think that's going to happen? We're suddenly going to be able to double revenue, but they didn't want you to question it. Was that kind of environment? Well, people that love honesty and transparency are not going to thrive in that kind of environment. Right. So your communication. Oh, back to. Back to the heirs. Overly emotional. So I remember one time I was in a meeting with about 10 people, there was a new president, I was in charge of a few book clubs and he was criticizing really in a harsh way some of the things I was putting forward. And I remember I just got emotional. I couldn't hold it together. I kind of, I think I got a little teary eyed in front of 10 people, in front of very senior people. Well, you got to know that doesn't work. Hi Havilah. I'm going to read what, what you say in a minute. Thank you for being here. That doesn't work. And if you're overly emotional, what I'm going to ask you to do is get out of the situation when you can and take some time that weekend, that night to think, why did I lose control? Why? What is triggering me? What is at the root of this? You've got to do work on yourself. That's the whole point of this. Right? So for this exercise, we're not going to make everybody else wrong. We're going to look at what can I do differently and what is at the root of my ineffective communication. Another thing that makes communication ineffective is that it's one sided. Have you ever been in a conversation with. It could be a family member, it could be your boss, it could be your friend. It's only about them. And when you're trying to share how come in one second flat it swoops back to them. Have you ever been in that situation you're sharing about yourself two seconds, not even two seconds, they're talking about themselves. Well, you know what that feels like on the receiving end. Do you do it? Do you sometimes have just one sided communication? I know that look, we all do these things. I know that when I'm feeling pressured, when I'm feeling down, when I'm feeling not heard, I can be a little too one sided right now. Taken to the extreme, this can be narcissism, this can be A personality disorder. But I'm not talking about the extreme right now. I'm talking about what every human being experiences and how do we better our own communication. The third challenge is that makes communication ineffective is when you're blind to the impact of what you've said or what you're about to say. So what I'm recommending here is before you say anything to anyone, think for a minute about how they're going to receive it. Right. Aww. Wow. Have I made mistakes. One time, a very serious mistake I made in the book club world. I was in market research, so I was seeing day in and day out what customers were saying and what they didn't like about the business model that we had. We had new management, we were acquired by another company and part of my job was to report on findings. But there was a format to do that. Well, this time I decided let me send an email to the president, to the cfo and I wrote that we have heard so many times that this business model, and I won't bore you with what it is, is the very thing that they hate the most. You know, I would love to suggest that we look at what it would, what it would take if we changed this piece of the business model. Well, I was blind to the impact of that. That this new president basically would never consider us doing that. And the fact that I suggested it, one colleague of mine who was not a good friend said that was the nail in your coffin. How about that? That was the nail in your coffin. I didn't realize I had a coffin. But the point was I was totally blind to the impact of what that one email would do. When you're about to suggest something to senior leaders, run it by a group of people that you respect and trust. Vet it. Right. Boy, that was, that was hard. That was hard. Another thing that makes your communication ineffective is it's hurtful, not helpful. I know that I make this mistake. You know, unfortunately I'm in the mode of helping and coaching and therapizing a lot of folks and sometimes friends or family members will come to me and they, they just want compassion, they want to share and I'm zipping in there, therapizing, you know, and sometimes that's hurtful or sometimes what comes out of my mouth is hurtful. It's not compassionate. So are you being hurtful or are you being helpful? I did a whole post on that and it's important that you know that. Right. And again, I'm going to stop here. Why is it important? Because we need people in the world. We cannot live a happy life. We can't live a successful life without people, without relationships. And yes, some people are introverted and don't need a lot of people. Other people are. Whether you're introverted or extroverted. Some people love a large sphere of friends and support. Some people just need a tiny sphere. But we need people. We need people in everything we do. So if you are communicating in ways that are pushing people away, if you see that there are people that you thought you were friends with and they're off partying and sharing with other people and they're not including you, that's something to think about. What could I be doing that might be pushing people away? Or if at work you see that people aren't wanting to have lunch with you, that's something you gotta look at when what's happening. That I may be pushing people away. Right. Not that we need a tribe of people following us wherever we go, but we need people other ways. Your communication is ineffective if it's faulty or inaccurate. You know, a lot of us who do writing, you know, as you know, I write on Forbes. I'm not a journalist, I'm a blogger. But if I'm talking about things, I am not credible. If I'm sharing data that's inaccurate or faulty, I'm going to lose all credibility. Well, that's the same with anyone who's sharing information. Make sure that it's not faulty or inaccurate. Oh, here's another thing. I work with a lot of people on their LinkedIn profile, on resumes. Don't lie. Don't embellish. My gosh, I see people who've taken eight years off of work to raise their kids and, and they want to lie about that. And I know why. I know why you want to lie about that. You can't lie. You can't lie and you can't embellish. First of all, I feel that we should never lie, you know, in any way, shape or form. Because when you lie, what that's revealing is you don't trust that the truth is actually going to create positive outcomes for you. You don't trust that who you really are is enough. That's what lying means, eh? So, yeah, and I know, trust me, I know that when there's a large gap in your employment history, it has ramifications. But you can't lie and you can't embellish. Right? Another way your communication is ineffective is if you're weak or apologetic when you need to be strong. This is true in parenting. This is true in managing. You can't be weak. You know, there's a lot written about how women say they're sorry about a million things they're not sorry about. I heard it the other day. The other day I was in a store and I had a cart and two other people were coming at me in a narrow aisle. And we all kind of bumped into each other. All of us said sorry, sorry, sorry 50 times. Why are we saying we're sorry? How about, excuse me, Think about when are you apologizing and you shouldn't be apologizing. When are you being weak and you should be strong, right? And this is so true of parents. In marriage and family therapy, we talk about parents are in the executive position in the family system. If you're down here apologizing for being a parent, you've just dropped into a really weak position and you're not going to parent well. And as a manager, for instance, you can't be weak and apologetic when you're needing to correct an employee. So here's an example. The employee or your supplier or your vendor misses a deadline, you can't be weak and apologetic. You gotta say, okay, let's talk about this missed deadline. And you can be compassionate and you can be gentle, but you don't want to be weak. You have to say, okay, we can't miss deadlines. And let me be clear about why that is and what the impact is. So let's talk about this deadline. Why was it missed? And then they're going to share and then you're going to say, maybe, I get it, I get those reasons, but we can't have it again. So let's work on a plan that this will never happen again. One of these plans is that you need to come to me three weeks before the deadline so that we're not the night before. You got to be strong or it's not going to go well and people aren't going to be in good hands. They're not going to feel like they're in good hands. And this is true of children if their parents are weak, it is incredibly stress inducing for a child. You know, I work with 30 to 60 year olds and I want to tell you, 80 to 90% of them, even very successful, very wealthy, very influential people, when they're not moving forward, we talk about their childhood. And there's almost always a situation or an experience or a childhood life experience where there was chaos, where their parents were weak, where something was narcissistic. You know, parenting is an important role. Don't blow it. You can't be weak and you can't be apologetic. Okay, finally, what makes communication ineffective is when it's contradictory, either in tone or approach or content. So you know, if you're saying something and then you say something, then that negates it. For instance, as a parent, here's the rule. And you can't break the rule. And then you're breaking the rule constantly. Well, what does the kid say? Even an infant gets it, even a toddler. Okay, we're going to go to the store and no, there aren't going to be any treats. I'm not going to buy any treats or toys today. Okay? And then you buy them a treat and a toy. Well, the kid is going to see what you do, not what you say. Mom said I'm not, but mom gave it to me. So every time I go to the store, I'm going to get a toy. Right? Don't be contradictory because it's crazy. All right. I want to talk about a few other root causes of ineffective communication so you can look at what's going on for you. So let's start with snarky. Why do you think people are snarky? Why do you think people slap other people down? Because their egos need it. Because they need validation. Because it feels good for them to put another person down if that feels good. They're not really as whole and confident and self assured as they're letting on. And is that someone you really want to follow? No, I don't think so. All right, here's some other things. I'm presenting this list so that you can perhaps identify yourself and what you could grow in. Okay? And I want to tell you, nobody is immune to this. We can be top communicators, we can be speakers in front of 500 people. And we can still learn from all of this. I do. So here's a sign of ineffective communication when people don't respond well. Right? So you're saying something, you're having a conversation, you're out with a friend, you're in front of your staff, you're giving a presentation and it doesn't go well. Right. People aren't responding well. So one root cause is there are emotions or hidden agendas that are in the way that could be yours, your own emotions. Sometimes we have to deliver news we don't even agree with. Right. And people can sense everything is energy. So your words may be saying one thing, but your emotions are saying something else. Right? Or what you're presenting to people is unlocking emotions for them. So what do you do? Understand the impact and understand how you feel. And if you are really conflicted with what you're saying, the energy of that conflict is going to come out. So you got to find a way to get on board with what you're saying. How about this? You're trying to talk to your spouse, you're trying to talk to your friend about something hard, and your point isn't getting made. Well, most likely you're lacking in clarity or you're lacking in focus. Oftentimes, people in my courses or in my coaching, they will be going on and on and on and on, and we have a limited amount of time. So I will cut them off as gently as I can. And I'll say, can I stop you here? Tell me the one thing you need help with. Tell me the one thing that's upsetting you the most. Meaning, get clear so that I can help you. You've got to be clear. Right. Does anybody suffer from. They ramble on and on and on because it's really hard for them to understand what the key point is. So that's something you want to look at. Okay, here's another root issue that is a sign that you need work. You're not taken seriously. I work with a lot of people who say, I don't know why, but it seems like I'm not taken seriously at work. Well, there could be gender bias. I'm working with one client now who. There's gender bias, there's gender discrimination. It's almost all guys in this. You know, in the tech world, I see this a lot. Wow. Women are passed over. Or they'll present an idea and. And a guy will say, good idea, and he'll expand on it, and then everyone will think that was his idea. So there's. There's bias in the world. But we're not going to sit back and let that be the case and just, you know, throw our hands up. We're going to do something about it. Right. So if you're not taken seriously, could be that your own behavior and your own words are undermining your own credibility. So there's a lot written about how women and men communicate differently in meetings. So, for instance, women ask a lot more questions. Well, the research has shown that men perceive question asking as, these people don't know, why are they asking a question. So you have to understand the culture that you're in. And I'm not saying you have to behave like a man or behave differently. But you do have to understand the. The dominant culture. And if you want to stay in that dominant culture, you got to play in that dominant culture. So you may not want to ask 15 questions if people perceive that as you don't know what you're talking about. Do you understand what I mean? I hope you're going to type your questions. All right, here's another sign that your communication is backfiring. There's backlash. People are mad. People are pissed. Okay, well, fear and anger were elicited. That shouldn't be a surprise to you. Again, you gotta think planfully about what you're gonna say and anticipate what, especially in the business world. Right. You know, one of the things I do in. In all the talks that I give is all along the way, I let people ask questions or challenge. And if they're allowed to ask questions and challenge all along the way, the end result is usually inspiring, not upsetting, because they've been able all along the way to challenge what's been upsetting. Right. So it may be even how you hold your presentation. Do you make people be quiet throughout the whole thing so that then they erupt at the end? You know, think about that. Another example of ineffective communication that you want to look at. That nothing's remembered. You share, you present, and everyone's talking about what the other person presented. Could be that you haven't created enough clout, you haven't created enough credibility. There's not enough gravitas going on with you. And there's work you want to do with that. You want to be remembered for your great ideas, for your innovations, right? You want to be credited for those. And finally, are you moving forward? Are you getting the job interviews and the job offers? Are you getting the promotion? Are you getting the raises that you deserve? Are you getting the plum assignments? If not, it's your communication and your behavior. Probably that's a part of it. Maybe not all of it, but a part of it. And possibly you're not seen as an authoritative, confident, inspiring leader. So you want to look at your communication. Okay, let me see if I have any last minute. That's it. That's it. So tell me. Tell me what you think. Give me some questions. Got about five more minutes. Ten more minutes. Let me see what you're writing here. Oh, I love it. Cool. All right. Hi, Havala. Corporate America and I are not a good fit. Mmm. I hate not being able to say anything. Yeah. So, Havala, you and I have talked about this, haven't We. I am so much happier in my own business because I can tell the truth. I can be transparent. I can hire people I admire. I can fire people I don't want on my team. I can like this story I told about the snarkiness. I don't ever have to work with people that I don't respect. I never found that in the corporate world. I had some bosses that made me nuts. I had some senior leaders that I thought, I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. How can they be in the position of senior leadership with that behavior? There was one president I worked with, and one of the very first meetings with the senior vice presidents and vice presidents, one guy said something, and the president said, well, duh, duh, duh. That's what the president of the company is going to say. I was like, oh, no, I don't think I can tolerate this. So I want you to know some people are not suited for the corporate world. Don't make yourself wrong. Make yourself right. Figure it out. Maybe you want to be a consultant. Maybe you want to start your own business. Maybe you want to be a private practitioner. Don't force yourself into a box that is torture for you. You right, Havilah. As a recruiter, I totally agree. Mmm. Please be honest. Thanks, Havilah. Oh, yeah. The people that lie Again. Lying is a sign that you don't feel strong, and you don't want to put that out in the world. You want to get strong and admire who you really are. Because who you are is great. Even with the foibles and the flaws and the gaps and the firings and the layoffs. You know what I gotta say this. Being laid off and fired is no matter if you hate the job or not. No matter if you wanted to leave that job. It's one of the most traumatic things that you can experience, but you don't want to lie about it. But on the other hand, let me say this. When you are. Let's say you had a horrific past experience. You don't want to talk about that in your next interview. Why did you leave? Why were you laid off? Because it was horrible and it was toxic. No, no, no, no. So let me talk about this. Reframe. What you want to do is tell a story that fits the facts and equally well as any other story. It fits the facts, but it leaves as much positivity and hope and expansion and opportunity for you as possible. You don't want to talk about how they were toxic and how they were awful. Because the next employer is going to think if she says it talks that way about that employer, they're going to talk that way about me. Yeah, got it. All right. Ashley. Hi. Wait, let me see if I skipped something. Something. I don't think so. Hi Ashley. Thanks for being here. So Ashley says it's really difficult if you're communicating clearly and someone isn't listening or absorbing what you say. When do you know if it's not a communication issue but the other person? Well, Ashley, that's a beautiful question. Let me take it to the extreme. I run a Facebook group thriving after narcissism. It's for adult children of narcissists. I've had narcissism in my life. There are people that are not humanly able to hear you. There are people that are not humanly. Their systems are not able to be challenged. So sure, it can be the other person. It can be a very, you know, these things that we're talking about, they can possess all of them. They're snarky, they're defensive, they're overly defended. They're only looking at, you know, you can't challenge them. You can't speak honestly. So sure that happens. Here's what I would say to you. You'll know it's you if it happens repeatedly. That's a really great question. Here's what you want to look at. What repeats in your life over and over, that is you. That is something you're co creating because it's not random. Life is not random. So if every boss you have treats you badly, that's you are co creating it. Either you're being attracted into and hooking into crappy relationships and toxic people or your boundaries aren't sufficient. If it's repeating, it's something you have to look at. If it's a one off, then it's probably that person. Does that help, Ashley? I hope so. Hi Julie. Julie says it seems many people want you to read their minds. And I'm tired of being a telepath. So true. Direct communication seems hard. Yeah, Julie, you're right. And it's really hard for women. We are taught and trained every single day as a woman. And it starts pre puberty. Not to be direct, not to be assertive, not to say what we feel. I just had a friend tell me once again that you're not being. You're welcome. You're not being. You're not. You're not humble. You have no humility. Read my, read my post on that. I got smacked down on LinkedIn. You have no humility. How do you know? You don't know me. What you're saying seeing my blog post and my video and you're saying I have no humility? No. You think I have no humility because you see a confident, assertive woman and you don't like it. So, Julie, you're right. But we have to have compassion because women are trained not to be assertive and we are punished when we're assertive. There's research, research, research, research, that, that proves this. I don't think it's going to be the same way in 50 years. I see it a little bit different with millennials, but not completely. I asked my 22 year old daughter, she said absolutely. We are pressured. In order to be pleasing, we have to be demure. So, Julie, I think that's what's going on. But I can understand that you're tired of it. So what I would ask you to do is be more direct with the person who won't be direct. So say, you know, this is my life every minute of the day. As a coach, people don't say what they need to say. So I'm direct. Here's what I sense. I sense that this is going on. Is that true? So you have to be directive. Okay, Give it a try. Thanks, Julie. And thank you, Ashley. I'm glad it was helpful. Anybody else have a question? One more. All right, my friends, I hope this was helpful. I feel like we could talk for about five hours about communication or 50 hours. So if you have questions. Oh, thank you. Type them below. I'll answer them today if I can and do. Check out my Career Success Training Tele class series. It's 12 modules of what I think are the most important topics for men and women today. But particularly for women, if they want to succeed and thrive and be joyful and happy doing the work they love and being the person they love to be. Thanks, everybody. Have a wonderful day and I appreciate you being here. Bye.