How To Become More Authentic

Hello, everybody. I'm Kathy Caprino, and welcome to my Finding Brave video series. I'm thrilled that you're here. And today I want to talk about, in honor of the upcoming holidays, how to be more authentic. And I want to tell you how I learned this topic or how I thought it would be a good topic to discuss today. So I am launching, I'm so excited to share, a new podcast called Find Finding Brave in January. And you can find out all about that@findingbrave.org and in LinkedIn. I don't know. A week ago, I asked folks to tell me what are the topics they would most like to see covered in the Finding Brave podcast. And I shared that this podcast is all about how we bring ourselves forward, our authentic, true, powerful, vital selves forward in life, in work, in our families, in our relationships, in our communities, in our businesses, and how do we live the life we're meant to live. And it's going to have amazing guests already. We're recording amazing thought leaders and business leaders and entrepreneurs and creatives and writers sharing their version of Finding Brave. And a few people said to me that they want to learn about how to be more authentic. And I thought, wow, isn't it something that we, so many of us, struggle with? How to be true, how to be real, how to say what is honestly on our mind and in our hearts. To not hide, to not be suppressed, to bring forth who we really are and not be scared and ashamed and frightened to do it. So I want to talk about three tips I found that are essential in becoming more authentic. And I want to tell you I've lived what it is not to be authentic. For many years in my corporate life, I felt like an imposter. I felt like I didn't respect the people around me. I didn't respect leadership. I didn't like how I was being treated. There was discrimination. There was blatant misbehavior and misconduct. There was so much over my 18 years that I saw that I felt if I were authentic, I wouldn't be putting up with it and I wouldn't be tolerating it and I would be speaking up. I also felt for many years that I really couldn't be my real self, that no one really understood who I was at the heart of it, at the true core of it. I've had relationships, friends and other kinds of relationships that weren't authentic, that if I really said what I felt, the relationship would be severed. And I want to tell you, I've overcome being inauthentic not that I'm authentic every moment of every day, but in general, I say what needs to be said. I'm honest, I'm transparent, and I surround myself with people for whom that is safe and who also want to be authentic and honest and transparent. So I'm bringing you all of that in terms of three tips. How do we do it? The very first thing I want you to look at, if you say, yes, I am not able to be authentic in my life. I want you to look at very deeply this weekend. Spend some time with a white piece of paper, an hour with yourself, and write down all the areas in your life where you feel you cannot be authentic. And again, I want to define it so it's easy to do. I don't mean you're running around ragingly, screaming at people and saying mean things and, you know, going off the rails. I mean that you're honest from your heart, with a loving, compassionate sensibility. You're honest and you're true. And you can say what is true. You can honor the values that matter to you. What? Where can you not do that? I want you to write it down. Is it in your job? Is it with your boss who's a narcissist? Is it with your spouse? Is it with your kids? Is it with your mother? Is it with your siblings who you don't agree with, or you really can't stand your sibling's wife, but you can't say anything? Where is it? And I want you to write down how you feel you're suppressing yourself. And so here's the column one, how I'm suppressing myself. And then I want you to write down why. What do you think would be the outcome if you were more honest, more true, if you were able to honor the values and beliefs that you hold? And then the third thing I want you to write is what will happen if you are. What do you think will happen if you're more authentic? Okay. That's number one. Number two, you know, I think part of why the coaching work I do and the writing touches a lot of people is that it just doesn't skim at the surface. Like, it's not just about how you interview and how do you choose a good job? It's deeper, because all of this is deeper. It's deep. So I want you to go deep and ask yourself, how old is the feeling that I can't be authentic? And I want to share with you, and I think I have before this one question. I saw it that Tony Robbins asked this question in his documentary I am not your guru, which is an incredible watch. It's really great. But he says to an audience member at one of his events, who did you crave love most from in your family? Your parents? And who did you have to be to get it? That one hit me right here because I know the answer for both my parents, who I had to be. And I realized in answering that question that who I had to be is who I still am trying to be. To get validation, to get loved, to be accepted. And a lot of not being authentic is from your fear that you won't be accepted, that you won't be loved, that you'll be rejected. And that comes from childhood. So who did you have to be? Who did you crave love most from and who did you have to be? And how does that inform where you feel inauthentic today? The third strategy is this. It's a decision, it's a choice. If you don't want to be a victim for the rest of your life, then you have to choose. Greater awareness equals greater choice. Get aware of where you feel inauthentic and make the choice to be different. I would want you to find brave and pick the one area where you're the most inauthentic, where you're the most suppressed, most diminished, most not true, most not transparent. Do something this month. Have a conversation. Find it in your heart to speak up to your spouse or your child or your mother or your brother whose wife is making you crazy. Find it in your heart now. It doesn't mean you have to be. I just taught about power in my amazing career project course. Power doesn't have to be harsh, doesn't have to be critical, doesn't have to be cruel. It can be quiet power. It can be loving power. You know, what we're seeing in the headlines today is abuse of power. So people actually, when they think of the word power, they don't want it because they're equating it with abuse of power. We need to revise that. Power can be beautiful, can be loving, can be peace oriented, but power comes from truth. You know, there's even an incredible muscle testing exercise that shows that when you're lying, your muscles become less strong. Lying and deceit makes us weak. So where can you speak up? Where are your boundaries being violated? Where do you need to say no? Where do you want to say yes? Where can you let go of that obligation you no longer want to do? Where can you say no to that volunteer position? Position that you haven't wanted for two years but didn't know how to get out of it. Where can you say to your boss I need something different here? Where can you say to your backstabbing colleague I'm aware of what you're trying to do. It's really not going to work. You're not going to get me riled up. I want to get along. I don't want to engage in this. Where can you be authentic and where can you honor your values this holiday season and going into the new year? Where can you find it in yourself to be who you really are because when you are that your life changes and everyone around you changes. I hope that's helpful. I can't wait to hear if this exercise moves you forward and what it does in your life to be more authentic starting today. Thanks everybody and check out findingbrave.org and sign up for the podcast and have a wonderful holiday. Thanks. Bye Bye.