How to Brave Up and ask for what you want and get it

Hello, everybody. Kathy Caprino here. Welcome to my Facebook Live. I'm so sorry that I didn't get here at noon. Turns out some things happened and I couldn't be in the house today, and this is the first moment I could could do it with you. So my apologies because I certainly know how important it is to, to be here consistently and, and not make you show up at noon and not have me here. So I'm doing my best, but thank you so much for bearing with me. Now, what do we have going on here? All right, good. Just a little comment. So today, you know, this series is all about how do we brave up and build the life and career and the relationships and have the impact that we dream of? How do we do it? And, you know, I talk about there are 10 ways that we need to brave up. I feel that there are within those 10 ways, there are many dimensions in many aspects. It's not a simple thing, particularly for women. And, you know, my sweet spot is working with women and helping them dig deep, discover their right work and illuminate the world with it. But I believe that everything we talk about here is perfectly relevant for men, too. But you let me know. I would love to get your feedback on that. But let's talk about this third dimension of braving up. We've talked about how to see bravely. Last week was how to speak bravely. Now I want to talk about how to ask bravely and get what you want. So, in fact, I just wrote an article on Forbes today. I hope you'll check it out on. It's in my new series, Ask the Career Coach. So if you have a specific question, definitely comment on that Forbes post and pose your question. I will do my best every month to tackle your questions. But this one is the question that I get over and over and over. Is my communication style hurting me or is it gender bias, gender discrimination I'm facing? So I want to talk about that for a minute because it's all around how do we ask for what we want? And let's talk for a minute about work. How do we ask for raises, for promotions, for plum assignments to get a new staff member or build your team? How do we ask for these things at work? And then we'll talk about it, about personal life as well. But I want to share with you now, those of you who follow me, know this, know this, and know these statistics. But since I left corporate life and I was a vice president, spent 18 years in corporate life since I left that and became a therapist, And a coach and writer on Forbes and and other other websites. And since doing this work as a coach and having courses, I have worked with now 11,000 women in 11 years. And it goes up about a thousand a year because of my webinars and courses and private coaching and group coaching. So I believe that everything I share with you is truly research based. I'm not making it up. It's what I've lived in my own life. It's what other people communicate with me. You know, now at 25 million views of my posts, I hear from a lot of people. One post on LinkedIn had 4,000 comments. So this is the research that I'm doing as well as surveys that I do. You know, 10,000 have taken my career success readiness. Over 6,000 have taken my Dominant Action Styles quiz which I hope you'll all check out. You can find them all on my website, Kathy Caprino.com so what I'm sharing with you is research based. What I'm hearing every single day and what I see is that women are extremely challenged in a number of speaking up about what they do and what helps them stand apart from the competition. And they're challenged to speak forcefully and they're challenged in asking for what they want. That's a step up. And there's so many reasons about that. And in the article you can read about this, the research has shown that historically women ask much less than men. In fact, one study I saw talked about how men going for a promotion if they only meet 50% of the criteria, they'll go for it. That's not the case with women. Women wait until they fulfill 100% of the criteria. Let me know. You know, fingers up, thumbs up. If any of this resonates with y'. All. I mean, I know all of this is true and it has been true for me as well. So here are men saying, I don't know, I'm kind of 50% that I'll go for it. Women, I don't think I fit. I don't think I fit. I don't think I fit. So there's that piece. I also believe that there is institutional bias. We would be mistaken if we think there's no gender bias. There's research after research after research study that forceful women are in fact punished or treated punitively, more so than forceful men. I have another Forbes blog on that blog post on that that women's perceived value and competency goes way down when they're deemed as being forceful and very assertive. Men's Go down a little bit, but not nearly the drop we see for women. So you've got some bias here. Whoop, there go my glasses. Sorry, glasses. You. You've got some bias. Absolutely. But what I want to talk about today is not that. Why? Because my world is helping individuals, one by one, power up, brave up, and change what's going on in their life. And that's the way I love to intervene. So that's what I'd like to talk to you about. Okay, so what do we do here? How do we figure out what we want to ask for and then get it? And how can I help women do this? So the very first thing I'd like to tackle is. Research has shown that women have a very hard time advocating for themselves. But when they're advocating for other people, like their staff, like their team, or even their children, they. They do a fantastic job, and they get what they want more often. So what does that mean? I think it means a few things. One, we have been, and I don't believe we come out of the chute like this. I think that women, so far, and I believe it's showing that millennials, younger generations, are kind of obliterating these rigid gender stereotypes. But I think that we have a real hard time, women in general, saying, this promotion is what I deserve. And here's why. We can say, you know, our team did an amazing job, and our team should be compensated or rewarded or recognized. But when it's about us, we struggle. So think about this. Does this resonate with you? Do you struggle when you're going to ask for more money or that promotion or that raise? So when I look at. In my corporate life, when I did ask for particular things like promotions or raises, there were times that I felt very confident in doing it, and there were times I didn't. And I can say even now, when I'm asking for more money for something, there are situations where I feel very confident and 100% clear, and there are times where I don't. So let's talk about that so we can help you figure out. When do I ask? How do I ask? How do I feel good about asking? And then what do we do? So when I look at the times I felt really good, it's because I have data and because I have knowledge and statistics behind me that support my case. So I remember as the vice president, I came in to run a certain division. There was a reorg, and the idea was, let's give Kathy another division. And I thought long and hard about that. And I thought about what would be fair compensation for that. And at that point, I was 100% clear. I had demonstrated potential in this one area, and that potential was worth millions because I kind of revitalized a few businesses that were fading and brought in bank clients that made a lot of money, millions, we're talking. So there was data and there was kind of irrefutable evidence that I had demonstrated my potential to be a leader in these ways. So when that was given to me, I thought, do I want to take this without any more money, without another title change? What makes sense? I knew I wanted to take it because I couldn't wait to kind of lead another division that I thought would be fun and great. But I knew that to do it without additional money was undervaluing me. And I thought long and hard about it and talked to other people. And, you know, men would say, I wouldn't do that for nothing. Whereas the women who were senior leaders had all sorts of ways of looking at it that weren't about, I'm going to get compensated for what I'm doing. So at that time, I felt like this was the best option. I said I'd be happy to take this additional division. How about this? We look at what I do in three months time, and if I've been able to, if I am able to replicate the success I've had over here, here, I think it would be fair to be compensated at this level. The boss said yes, that was it. It was a conversation over lunch. Yep, sounds good. So why does it work sometimes and why does it not work in other times? So if I look at, and I'm sharing my personal experience so that you can see your it, I'm pretty sure that millions of people have had these experiences. So there are times too where I have asked for more money in an endeavor that I'm working on, even recently. And where I struggle, I find is that when I don't have concrete data of where I stand, of what I've brought in, or where I stand kind of in the competitive terrain or in the hierarchy. So it's when I don't feel I really know what the case is, I know I feel I deserve it. But where's the data? Where's the statistics? Where's the proof? And personally, I feel that when we can build a case that we feel amazingly strong about, that's when the ask generates what we want. So if you take it out of the realm of work, for instance, those of you who have children, have you ever advocated for your child. Most moms I know are like lionesses. If we feel our kid has been bullied or our kid isn't being treated well, or our child isn't given the advantages he or she deserves. Most women will fight to the death. And they are strong and they're confident and they're powerful and they have what it takes. So why is that? What do you think? Type in a comment for me. Why do you think we can do that for our children, our friends, but why we can't do it for ourselves? So I'm going to ask you to think about what is the thing you want to ask for now? What is your challenge about it? What's your fear? And what can you do concretely to build a case that is as strong for yourself as it is for others? Okay. Alright. Any questions with that, let me know. Type them in. I'm here to answer. All right, so part of this as well, learning to ask bravely, is about boundaries. Can I talk to you about boundaries? I don't think we have in previous videos. If we have, forgive me. The concept of boundaries and what they do to our lives was one of the single most powerful things I've ever learned in my entire life. And I learned them not at work and not in my family. I learned it in therapy, training as a marriage and family therapist. So let me talk about boundaries. They're the invisible barrier between you and your outside systems that regulate the flow of input and information between you and those systems. So what do I mean by a system? You know, your family is a system, your church and synagogue is a system. Right. The school that your kids go to is a system. Right? Where something's coming together in relationship, you know, with a dynamic relationship. So what did we learn about boundaries? It's so fascinating and just my head exploded because I didn't know any of this growing up. But boundaries can be kind of measured, they can be identified easily. So there's. It's a spectrum, there's a scale. So let's take a one out of ten. If you're on this side of the scale, your boundaries are not developed, they're diffuse. Everything gets in. You don't know where you end and other people begin. And we call that enmeshment. So you can see that even in a. In a mother and a child. It's crazy. For instance, once I saw this, I was like, oh my goodness, there's a Meshman everywhere, including in my own life. But have you ever walked up to a little child who's with his or her mother. And you say, oh, hi, Freddie, you got your soccer uniform on. How's it going? And mom will answer the question, or mom will always be touching the child so that there's almost no boundary. You know, enmeshment is very clear. Enmeshment can look like love from the outside. But if you're overly enmeshed with your anything, with your child, with your spouse, with your colleagues, with your subordinates, what happens is you don't know where you end and they begin, and it's crippling. You don't let them develop on their own. Right. You see yourself as so inextricably linked and connected that they can't develop on their own. So the other end of the spectrum is disengaged. Your boundaries are so rigid. You're not letting anything in. We know people like that, don't we? Nothing's getting in. And they're in their own island and they're completely disengaged. So what I'd like to ask you to think about is how do you feel your boundaries are so, you know, I want to share this with you. I've had narcissism in my life. I've dealt with narcissism from authority figures, from bosses. And when you are in a situation where there's narcissism, you often don't know what's hit you. And you also aren't aware that how you're developing is not as healthy and strong as it should and could be. So when you have emotional manipulation in your family and you're growing up in that, you are not able to, in general, speak up for yourself, stand up for yourself boldly, because you're usually punished for that. So what I'm seeing is a lot of people that I'm working with have had either extreme emotional manipulation in their families, which sets the stage for what you look what you're hooked into as an adult and in your relationships and in your work life, and there's a lot of narcissism. So when you grow up with that, you have a really hard time understanding what you need and want and asking for it. It's really challenging for you because, number one, you've been punished for it. Number two, you haven't been allowed to do it. It's not familiar to you, so it feels very uncomfortable. And the idea of displeasing other people is very scary for you. So I would ask you to look at what did you have growing up. Were you able to speak up? Were you able to be Your own person, Were you able to say, hey, mom or dad? I don't agree with that. Without being punished, right? Without love being withheld, what was your childhood like? Were you able to speak up for yourself? Were you able even to say, this is what I want and here's why I want it? So much of our adult challenges come from childhood, come from what we learned, what we were conditioned and trained to think about ourselves, about our own power. A lot of us were not taught by our parents that we were powerful individuals, that we had the power to shape our world. Many parents, especially parents from other generations, didn't want their kids to be powerful. I hear parents even say that today, she's too powerful, my kid. What that means is you don't know how to handle that power. You don't know how to discipline. You don't know how to nurture power without being drowning in it. So I'm asking you to think about all of this is related to how comfortable you are to understand what you need and ask for it. So how are your boundaries? Are you able to say, I need to ask for this even though it's going to displease my boss because he'd actually like me to stay at the same salary level? I mean, asking for a raise, asking for a promotion. Why that's so challenging for so many people is you are negotiating your value for money. And that's really hard for a lot of people. It's really hard for a lot of consultants and entrepreneurs. Oh, I have so many new coaches saying, I don't understand how to price. Not just coaches, consultants, entrepreneurs, small business owners. How do I price my stuff? How do I even figure out what my stuff is worth? All of this is around the ask, right? So look at your boundaries. Is it an issue if it is an issue that I don't even know. I don't even know what I want and I certainly can't communicate it. That's a boundary problem. And we have to look at the past. And I don't mean spend 100 years, you know, on a therapist's couch. I mean, look at how you developed and were you able to speak up for yourself? Okay, what else do I want to talk about in terms of asking? Let's. Let's just shift it a little in terms of what you're getting in your relationships. I remember when I was about 28, it started to occur to me that so many of my friend relationships were really hard for me. They weren't joyful. I thought, what's going on Here I don't really even like to spend time with these people. What I would find is either there was a lot of drama that they wanted or engaged in or they would be kind of critical to me and put me down. They would be needy of my time and my support, but yet when I needed it from them, I wouldn't get it right. So they were critical, they were harsh, they were drama, drama laden. Everything was a big drama. And they. Oh, I hope you're still here. Looks like we had a problem connecting. Sorry folks, sorry. I hope you're here. Hope I'm here. Coming through to you. Where were we? Oh, so it occurred to me what's going on here. Why is it that every friend relationship I have isn't giving me what I needed? And I didn't understand, I hadn't studied therapy then. I didn't understand that I was 50% of the issue. I was co creating these relationships that weren't satisfying, that weren't giving me what deep down I felt I deserved. I was hooking into them. I was repeating it, repeating it, repeating it. But I did know I don't really want this anymore. So I decided I was going to purge. That was the word I used. I'm going to purge people from my life who don't respect me, who don't value me, who I feel like it isn't an equal relationship that I'm giving but I'm not getting. I'm going to purge it and slowly, one by one did that. And I want to say if this, if this resonates with you and it's time for you to start separating and disengaging from people who are harsh or critical or drama laden or don't give you what you want or don't respect you and don't respect your time and don't make you feel good when you're with them. Oh, so sorry. Getting texts, then there's a way to do it that isn't hurtful. So here's a third thing I want to talk about. In terms of the ask, in terms of the brave ask, I really believe that we can say anything if we say it with love in our heart. I really believe that. And I used to say stuff and be powerful in ways that there wasn't love and respect in my heart. There was anger or resentment or I would leave body parts in my wake as the Vice president sometimes. But I do believe when you can come from a place of love and respect and empathy, you can ask for anything and you can say anything. So if it is time to separate from people who are making you unhappy, you can first say if you feel that there's some potential for the relationship to be reformulated in a way that's going to be meaningful and powerful and helpful and nurturing to you, you can ask, you can say, you know, sally, can we have a talk? And you don't do it by a text. I can't believe how many people break up with their boyfriends and girlfriends on text. No, no, you gotta have a. You gotta have a face to face, right? It's a Dear John letter via text. No. So what you. What you're gonna want to do, if you can do it, if you can brave up to do it, is to say, you know, something like. And use your own language. You know, I really care for you. We've known each other for such a long time, and, you know, my spirit really cares for you. But here's where I'm at. I feel like I do not get what, what I need from this relationship. And you don't want to make it about what they're doing wrong and blaming them and slapping them down. So here's the other piece about the ask. You have to avoid condemning, tear down language. You stink. You're not giving me what I need. You never listen to me. You're. And whenever you have, nevers are always the kind of absolutes. That's usually when your emotionality is taking over. You don't want to say you never because it's not true, right? You never do this. You always do this. It's because you're just getting enraged and there's no balance. But what you can say is, I feel like I care for you and I'm here for you, but I don't feel that I'm getting what I need in terms of you listening to me and validating and supporting me in the way I need it. What do you think about that? If they get all defensive, might be some narcissism going on. If they cannot be challenged, if they cannot hear you, if they cannot have empathy for what you're feeling, I realize I'm not looking at the camera, I'm looking at the picture. Sorry about that. I'm gonna look at the camera now. If they can't have empathy for you, there's probably some narcissism or emotional manipulation and you're gonna want to let that go. You're gonna want to walk away. Because if they can't hear you and they just get, they stonewall you or blame you back they can't let it in that you're challenging them, then it's going to be really unlikely that you're going to get what you need. So circling back, if you feel like a relationship is worthy of fighting for it, ask. Ask for what you want. Put it in the I language, not you, you, you. But here's what I feel I'm not getting, and here's what I need. And watch what they do. If they can't meet you halfway, if they start blaming you and screaming at you, it's time to walk away, right? So I hope that was helpful about the ask do you have any questions about what's challenging, about asking for what you deserve? So let's just recap. Make a case for it. If it's work and you want to ask for a raise or promotion or a new function or a new job, build a case. Build it with data and statistics. What you've done, what you've accomplished. There's the other problem. So many women, I think we talked about this last time, don't know how to speak about their accomplishments, don't even know what they are. You got to know. You got to know what you're worth. You got to know what you bring to the table. You've got to know it and you've got to feel it. Because how can you ask for something big if you truly don't feel you deserve it? It's just not going to come. It's not going to work. The energy of it will not work. So know what you're worth. Build a case for it. If you can't build a case for it for you, write it as if you're writing it for someone you're advocating for, for your child, for that incredible teammate that doesn't speak up for him or herself. Write it with them in mind and then flip it over and advocate for yourself. And when you ask and when you speak forcefully and when you make a demand or indicate that this is something that you deserve, don't use condemning language. Don't tear down. Don't be forceful in a way that leaves body parts. Because what you really want to do is uplift, right? You really want to make a difference in how you're operating in the world and how you ask for things is very reflective of how you operate with others. I hope that's helpful. Thank you. Share your comments. Share your questions. You know, send me questions that you'd like me to answer next time. I would be thrilled to answer them. I'm so grateful that you're here. Also, you know, let me know on this Facebook page, what's the best time for you to watch this? So if I could go live anytime and we're talking Eastern time for me, what time would be best? Would it be later at night, 8pm what days and what times work best for you? I'm flexible. I really want to reach as many people as possible and answer your live questions. So let me know. And I hope you'll think about this. I hope you'll take this information as exercises. What is the big ask that you want now? And how can you build a case that you believe with all your heart and soul that you deserve it? And how can you communicate that in a way that it'll be compelling and convincing and you will get what you so deserve? Thanks, everybody. See you next week. Bye. Bye.