How to deal with difficult people over the holidays

Hello, everybody. Kathy Caprino here. Welcome to Brave Up Tuesday on Facebook Live. I am here talking with you about how to deal with difficult people during the holidays. Big topic, big topic. So let me put you on. On my little. My stand here. There. How's that? Good. Good stuff. Oops. Let's get it right. All right, my friends. So I am hearing from a lot of people, a lot of people about. I want to fix this. Thank you. There we go. A lot of people about the challenges of dealing with, relating to getting together with people who are difficult and people who are very, very different. So what does this mean? You know, particularly in the holidays, I've had people say to me, I can't even go home for Thanksgiving. Why? In this case, they were talking about the differences in political views, but other people have said, I'm gay and my family has rejected me. I can't go home. Other people have very different religious beliefs. Other people are sharing that. You know, the tribe that they grew up with is so very different from them in terms of what they value, what they long for, what they care about. So I know people who, for instance, have chucked their big corporate job and their parents and their extended family don't understand that and are absolutely negative and demeaning and really, they tear them down because of those choices. So I love seeing these comments. Thanks, folks for being here. So I want to talk about how to deal with difficult people. So it's an enormous topic. It could be a 20 week program. So what I'd love to do is narrow it down and come up with some definitions. You know what? I really wish I could read. Read what folks are saying here and not have to turn my head. It's craziness. Aw, let's see what folks are saying. Somebody's talking about phone. Oh, do you prefer that? That's cool. But that means. This is Lisa. Hi, Lisa. I've read that it's better to do it sideways, but if this is better, let's do it. I'm going to need to find a tripod that lets me do that, but let's do it. Is that better for folks? All right, fantastic. So what are difficult people? What does it mean? This is what I. Boy, I sure would love to rest it so I don't have to hold it. Let's try it this way. Let's talk about what difficult means for many people, the family members or the friends or the acquaintances or the colleagues that they think are difficult are also think that you're difficult. So we need to define what Difficult is. That's really important. First of all, are these individuals. So let's talk about the holidays and your family and friends. How about that? We start there. What you want to look at are, are these people difficult to you because they have very different values. And so there's two things to think about. There's what people believe and how they assert their beliefs. Two very different things. So what's really important is that you take a breath here and you sit back and analyze what you're thinking and what you're feeling about people who feel very differently than you. So let's take the political scenario. And I don't want this to be a political discussion. But, you know, I want you to know I live all of these challenges that I'm talking to you about, and I am sharing my views based on being a person in the human race and also being a trained therapist and a coach and also writing, you know, on my 44 blogs, I've gotten 25 million views. So I hear from a lot of people and I am seeing how people engage. And some are very loving, some are very respectful, some are not. Some are hateful. Some say the meanest, cruelest things and just are trolls. So there's what people believe and then how they behave. So, and if you have questions, I would love it if you pose them here. I'd love to leave some time and ask your question, deal with your questions in your situations. So let's say you are getting together with family and you vehemently disagree with them politically. So the very first thing I want to share with you is, haven't you found this to be true? You will not change people's core beliefs by discussing them. You just won't. And you certainly won't change people's core beliefs by yelling at them and putting them down. And the same goes, you know, from them to you. Think about it. Think about what you believe politically or in terms of religion or spirituality or life after death or civil rights. Think about the things you hold the dearest. Would a conversation over Thanksgiving change your core beliefs? No. Now, I just interviewed an amazing colleague of mine, Michelle Gillen, who's a positive psychology expert, and go find it on my Forbes blog, Career Bliss. It's if you think you can't change people, you're wrong. We can. And here's how. And what she's talking about is how we can influence energy and positivity and mood and focus what we focus on. So, I mean, the information she shares in her research studies are unbelievable. And she is married to Shawn Achor, who's a happiness expert and researcher as well. And what they share and their, their workshops are amazing. And so what the research shows is you absolutely can influence another person's level of happiness in their mood and their positivity. I'm not talking about that right now. I'm talking about beliefs, what you believe and hold dear and your standards of integrity and your core values. So you're not going to change those by yelling at this person or arguing with this person, and they're not going to change yours. So what you really need to understand is what is the thing that's making it so difficult for you? So let me ask you this. In thinking about going home or dealing with these people, is one of the issues for you that they are going to yell at you and they're going to put you down and they're going to put down people who believe what you believe. If that's the case, let me know. Give me a thumbs up. Want to share with you some tips? First of all, I learned this in therapy training. What comes at you from another person is about the other person. It's not about you. It's not about you. So there's an amazing book, the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and he talks about not taking anything personally. And it's powerful. It's a small little book. It might be a great book for you to read this week right before the holiday season kicks in. The other Three agreements are life changing. It's a tiny book and I swear to you, it changed my life. But he talks about that what people give you is not about you. So one tactic, one strategy is to get incredibly comfortable with your authentic beliefs and not be defensive about them and not be insecure about them and just feel them in a rock solid way so that you don't feel the need to defend when someone says you're crazy. Right? So that's number one. Understand that what people are bringing to you is more about them than you. Now, when we're talking about difficult people, I do need to say this. There's lots of different kinds of difficult people. There are alcoholic abusers who you can't even be at the table with because they drink too much and then they're abusive. I've experienced that there are narcissists who, if you challenge them in any way, they get incredibly enraged. That's another part, you know, another form of difficult. Let's talk about normal, healthy, functional people. Let's do that. So the second question to ask yourself is this do I really want to run away? So I learned something in therapeutic training. It's called emotional cutoff. A lot of people who are struggling with their family members and friends because they're in an amazing divide in terms of what they believe and what they want, how they're living their life. So they say, the heck with this. I grew up in Connecticut, I'm going to go to Alaska and I never want to see my mother again. The problem is you can't run away. It doesn't really work. I'm not saying don't go live in Alaska. I'm saying if you think running away geographically is going to solve the problem and heal the pain, it doesn't. Because first of all, there's Internet and phone. Secondly, they're inside you. Your tribe is inside you. So what's much better as a long term strategy is to be able to deal with these differences in a proactive, confident, authoritative way. So in my latest, my TED talk, my Recent TED talk, TEDx talk, time to brave Up. I talk about how women have gone underground since age 13 where we've become less, less confident, less assertive. We believe in our leadership ability less, we use our voice less. I mean, this is what happens to women because of societal influences. And when you go underground, you're not able to be as confident and calm and assertive as you would have been if you didn't get a lot of pushback from society. We have to overcome that and we have to learn how to be assertive. I don't love the word forceful because to me that sounds like you want to take someone's will away. I don't, I don't think that's what we're doing. I think we want to be confident, passionate, assertive, engaging, enlivening and compelling. So what I'd love you to think about is if you are going to brave up and be with your family and friends and you know that they're going to be difficult about something that you believe or about the political situation or anything. What I would recommend that you do is first of all, watch my TEDx talk about how can we be forceful and also negate the backlash. And the one tip I offer there is from the behavioral science guys, David Maxfield and Joseph Grenny. Amazing. They did a study on gender bias and what they did was they filmed a female actor and a male actor saying the exact same forceful thing. And they had, I think it was 2500 people view the man and the woman. Turns out the woman was perceived much more negatively than the man in saying the exact same thing. We don't like forceful women. But what they found is if you offer a framing statement in front of the forceful words that is grounded in a value, you can be heard in a different way and the backlash is reduced. So, for instance, let's talk about the political arena. Let's just do it. I happen to be a Democrat and quite liberal. There are some family members I have who are literally the opposite. So what one could say is, you know, I really. So let's say my family members are going off and they're talking about something that I vehemently disagree with. I might offer a framing statement like this. You know, I really value honesty and integrity and so I want to be honest here. You know, I am not in agreement with what you're sharing here. So you are positing what you feel, but you're embedding it with a core value. Now what's important to understand is, is that going to be something that's going to. Is that discussion, I don't agree with what you're saying or I don't agree with the direction of where the country's going. Is that something you actually want to engage in on, you know, on your Thanksgiving vacation with your family? Is that really going to help or make any difference whatsoever? Probably not. But if you feel you need to say something forceful, you can embed it with a value and that tends to lessen the backlash. All right. So another issue to think about is the issue of boundaries. There are some people in our lives, in our families and friends circle, that violate our boundaries, that no matter how much we tell them, you know, I'd rather not talk about politics or I'd rather not really rehash that at the dinner table, they violate our boundaries. So part of this is you braving up to assert your boundaries. So let's say, for instance, you've made a move that your family, let's say professionally, that your family hates. They can't believe it. They can't believe that you gave up your well paying job and now you're going off and working on a farm. So what you could do is say before you go, hey mom, or hey dad, or to your brother or whoever has the rabid thinking that you're making a fool of yourself and your life's going to go to hell in a handbasket, you can say, hey Fred, you know, I really want to see you and the kids and I want to have a nice time. Would it be possible that we did not Engage and rehash the discussion about blah, blah, blah. Could, could we agree to that? And if they can't, if they literally can't let go and they are, you know, that they are, they can't resist it and they're going to bring it up and they're going to put you down, then I think you have every right to say, then it's not going to work for me to join you. So you need to set the expectations and you need to set the boundaries, right? So let's say, however Fred says, yeah, absolutely, we don't need to rehash that. That's going to be bad. You know, I know that I'm a Democrat and you're a Republican, and, you know, let's not do it. But here's what happens on holidays. People drink, they overeat, and they overindulge. And when people drink, you know what happens? Excess happens and emotionality happens. So let's say that you'd made an agreement. Let's not talk about this. And it comes up and then everyone's screaming. You have every right to excuse yourself and find a way to center yourself. Go take a walk with the dog, go take a bath, leave the house, go for a drive, go see a movie. Find a way to restore and center yourself. You do not have to sit there while everyone's attacking you and screaming and the alcohol is flowing. You need to figure out how to protect yourself and restore yourself. And I want to give you a little example about how this works. I was thinking about this recently, about how many months ago, I guess five months ago, I ran into an acquaintance, and she and I are diametrically opposite in terms of political views. It couldn't be farther, farther away. And we got talking about it. And I'm going to share one thing that really annoys me. Don't assume people agree with you on anything. Be respectful of all ideas. All ideas. All ideas have value. Even if you can't see the idea, then it has value to you because you're reacting to it and it's making you feel passionate. All ideas and all humans deserve to be respected. I think what's happened today, why we find people so difficult and why political conversations and religious conversations and spiritual conversations are so fraught with emotion, is that we're not really discussing. What we're really doing is condemning. And, you know, I'm. I'm to blame as well. I'm not a saint, face it. So where were we? What was I saying? Oh, respecting ideas. So, you know, if you find that people can't respect who you are, then you have every right to find a way to disengage and protect yourself so that you can feel honored and respected. Oh, I know what I was sharing with you. So I ran into this acquaintance, and she started, I would call it spewing. Spewing. Without asking, you know, where do you stand on this situation? She just spewed at me what I would consider like a hate monologue about, you know, people and the government and hate, hate. And, you know, if you read my Forbes interview with Michelle Gillen, you know, within one minute, I was totally. My mood was totally disturbed. And I'm. I gotta own that. But what happened was I said, I'm gonna need to challenge that, and here's what I have to say. And we exploded. We actually ended up screaming. Screaming like people could hear it. And then I said, okay, I'm leaving. And I. When I got home, all I could think of was, how did I let myself do that? How did I let myself scream at this person that it doesn't matter, that she doesn't agree with me? What happened? And I realized I had been tired. I was a little off kilter that day. I wasn't my highest self. So I have to say recently I ran into the same person. And what happened? Still spewing. It was almost like four months or five months didn't go by. Still spewing her hate monologue. Hate. But what was unbelievable was it didn't get in. It didn't bother me at all. It didn't make a blip in the. In my mood, not one little bit. So why. It was me, not her, that had changed. I had changed. I wasn't going to let it in. I'm so tired of being turned upside down by hate language. I'm tired of it, and I'm not going to let it in. You can do the same. But in order to do it, you have to be very centered and you have to know how to restore yourself. And you have to stay away from things that are gonna agitate you and get you off kilter, like alcohol, like drugs, whatever. It is like being too tired for me. If I'm tired, it doesn't go well. I'm really sensitive to that. So do what you have to to restore and not take personally what other people are saying. Right? Only you are the arbiter of what you believe, not them. All right, so back to. Let me look at my notes about anything else I want to tell you. Boundaries. It's time to assert them. If you have problems with boundaries, my book, Breakdown Breakthrough, will help. There's a whole chapter on breaking cycles of mistreatment that should be very helpful for you. Read that. Read it before you go. Thanksgiving or Christmas or Hanukkah. And you know, I would say this. I believe it's important to speak up and stand up and rise up boldly for who you are. But that does not necessarily mean engage in a battle over Thanksgiving dinner. That is totally futile. You know, and one other thing I would throw out to you. When I was a therapist, I had clients when I was in my year, internship, clients who did things that were intolerable to me, unacceptable things against humanity. I had a client who was an attempted murderer. I had a client who was a pedophile. I had a client who abused his children. I saw it all. I saw it all. I had a client who was a cocaine addict. And when he was off cocaine, he was an incredible, wonderful guy, but he lived with his mother. And when he'd go on again, he'd steal her stuff and sell it for coke. And she would call. It was so horrible and so sad. So when you're sitting with someone and you want a true engagement with them, yet you find what they're doing and thinking and saying intolerable. You're actually going to sever the connection. You can't have a true, meaningful connection with someone you disdain, with someone you judge, with someone you hate. You can't do it. It's not going to go well. So I'd ask you to think about this. Do you want to see these people, these difficult people that you're going to run into over the holidays? Do you want to see them? Do you want a true, heartfelt connection? And are you able to do the work so that you don't disdain them and hate them and condemn them for what they believe? I mean, I really do think that's what's going on in the divide in our country. It's not just, wow, you don't see the world the way I do. It's that the way we see things reflects our core values. And we're feeling like either side is feeling like their values are not understood and respected. So I'd ask you to say, do you love these people? Do you want a connection with them? Then what's going to have to happen is that you're going to have to do inner work to find the love and compassion and the empathy in your heart for them. And also, we're all made up of a million different facets. Let's say it's our religious beliefs that create a dividend. Well, we're more than our religious beliefs. We're more than one little facet of ourselves, I think. Are you able to see beyond that one thing that creates the great divide and find and tap into and connect with what you love and respect about them? Are you able to do that? And if not, I think there's work that you will find beneficial to do with yourself. So difficult people. Part of the issue is we're making them difficult. Now, I need to say this. You know, when you're dealing with narcissists, no, you're not the problem. They're the problem. They're the issue. However, there are ways to mitigate the damage with narcissists. You know, I have a Facebook group for adult children of narcissists. There are ways to deal with it. There are ways to steady and balance yourself so that you don't engage. There are ways to. That you just don't take in. They're biting, awful comments. There's work to be done. And I'd ask you to think about what do you really want over the holidays? Who matters to you? Who do you deeply love? Who do you want to stay engaged with, even though it's very difficult? And can you do the internal work to steady yourself, to be able to make that connection and not let it go by the wayside because of your differences? I hope that's helpful. Anybody here got a question? No. All right, listen. I wish you a wonderful holiday, a wonderful holiday season, full of love, full of connection, full of positive change, full of your braving up to speak up and rise up and stand up for yourself, but in ways that build bridges, not burn them, in ways that share love for yourself, but love and respect and empathy and care and compassion for others, too. Even if we're on the other side of the world in terms of our values, there's still so much to love in people who are incredibly different. And you know what? I need to say this. In reading comments from people who are very different from me, I learned so much. If you can let go of the defensiveness, take in what needs to be the message, the heart of the message, you can learn and grow and shift so much. We don't only have to love the people who are just like us. I think that's what this time in our history in our country is asking us to understand. We can find love in our heart and empathy and compassion for people who are very, very different. And I think we need to. I hope that's helpful. Everybody, happy Thanksgiving and thanks for watching. And I'll see you next next Tuesday for Brave Up Tuesday. Thanks. Bye. Bye.