How to know when to leave your job or career, and when to stay

Hello everybody. Kathy Caprino here. Welcome to my Facebook Live yet again late and one of my challenges is to be honest. I have a, a light filled home. It's a contemporary and light is just drenching in, which is so wonderful and I love it. But I gotta straighten this for you. But the problem is there's no place to do where I'm not surrounded in a halo of light, which is lovely metaphorically, but not great for you all. So thank you for bearing with me. So today we're going to be talking about how to determine. This is bugging me because you guys aren't, you're not straight. There we go. How's that? Here we go. How to determine when to leave a job or a career and when to stay. And I want to tell you, I pick this topic every once in a while or more frequently now. I'll post on LinkedIn and Facebook to see what are the topics that are burning for you, the issues, the challenges, the questions that you have. And I get this question a lot and a few people mentioned it both on LinkedIn and Facebook. So I thought I tackle it for you. So again, how to determine when to stay or when to leave a job or a career. So here's one thing I, there's a lot of things I want to talk about. The very first thing is this. You know, I had an 18 year corporate career, you know that. And then I launched a therapy practice and a coaching practice and a business. Now it's a business online and in person. And I want to tell you this, what I've learned as an entrepreneur and with all the entrepreneurs I meet, there is something so vitally important about the entrepreneurial approach that I teach every corporate person I work with and I teach everyone who wants to build a great career. What do I mean by the entrepreneurial approach? So folks who have launched a business and will not take no for an answer, they believe in this business, they believe in this endeavor. Whether it's an online business or whatever it is. Entrepreneurs, great ones, have a list of traits that I believe we all could be more successful if we emulate. So what do I mean? They're very flexible, they're fluid, they pivot, they don't stay stuck in a mentality that it's got to look this way or bust. They're resourceful, they're innovative, they're creative, they're nimble. They see what they have and how the market is responding to what they have and they move with it. So there's and they're risk Embracing some of them are very risk intensive. But an entrepreneur who's great, who is very successful, is not risk averse. You can't be. I really believe that all of those traits are what everyone needs to build a happy, successful career or livelihood. So I'd love you to think about how nimble are you, how resourceful, how creative versus how stuck, how inflexible how. So let's look at people for a minute that are working in the corporate world or working for someone else. What I see over and over and over is these people tend to overly attach to a title or to a salary or to outer measures of success or what it has to look like. And they don't think like entrepreneurs. They don't think about what do I have to bring to the world that I can leverage and monetize that's going to make me happy. They don't think like that. So they break themselves against jobs that are a bad fit because they feel they have to. And I know I'm raising my hand here. That was me 18 years. That's how I looked at it. If I went back to the corporate world now, I'd never look at it that way again, ever. So entrepreneurial approach. I want you to think about how, how flexible, fluid, innovative and creative are you and resourceful within the world of your job and your career. The second thing is I want to point this out. I'm a boomer. I'm 56, my kids are grown, 22 and 19 and my daughter's, you know, starting on the journey of building a, I'm not even going to say career. Career is not a word that younger people use and they don't think like that. So in dealing with a lot of young people, what I see is they have a really beautiful way of approaching what work is. It's not a linear career. It's not what I had that you start as a marketing assistant and go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And it's linear. And you don't on ramp and off ramp and you don't change and you don't pivot. Younger people don't view it like that at all. They view it that they're going to figure out what they love to do, figure out what they're skilled at, get more skill if they need to. But they're not going to sacrifice their soul. They're not going to sacrifice their non negotiables, flexibility, time with family or time outside of work. They, if I can really be so bold as to say they own their life More. They are the leaders of their life more than boomers. I really think so. So I'd also like to ask you to think about how much do you understand that what goes on in your career is. Is within your shaping of it. So, you know, we've talked about below the line and above the line thinking before, but let me share it with you again. Below the line thinking is, oh, you know, everything's outside of my control. It's my boss's fault. It's my husband's fault. It's the economy's fault. It's the political leadership, today's fault. That's below the line thinking. Above the line thinking is, yeah, I see the challenges eyes wide open. But I am enough. I am strong enough, brave enough, competent enough, skilled enough, talented enough to march through these challenges and build a life and career that I'm gonna love. So you're either below the line or above the line. Which one are you? I'd ask you to. I'd ask you to share. Think about and share here. Thumbs up if it resonates with you. Okay. All right. So let's talk about job versus a career. A lot of people mistakenly interchange these concepts. Your job is not your career. So if we're asking the question when, thank you for that. When do I know it's time to leave my job? It's time to leave your job when you're unhappy in your job. It's not brain science if you're unhappy. You know, I run a number of Facebook groups for my courses for adult children of narcissists, and somebody mentioned I am actually sick on Sunday night to go to work. What's the question? You need to change jobs. So I want to point out, because it seems so obvious, but a lot of people don't understand this. Your job represents an amalgam of things. The skills and talents that you're hired to use, the responsibilities and functions that you're overseeing. But it also, your job involves who you're working with, involves your boss, who could be toxic and make yourself, make your life miserable. It also involves your colleagues in the collaborative environment. And for many companies, there's no collaborative environment. It's backstabbing all the way. Was in a situation like that, and it almost killed me. There's what the leadership is like. If you have narcissistic leadership or authoritarian leadership, you're going to be unhappy, probably. So there's also the outcomes that you're focused on when you're doing your job right. I'm checking my volume. Perfect. So let me give you a concrete example. From the minute I started working at 22, I was in marketing. I didn't want to be in marketing really. I wanted to be in fiction editorial at a huge publishing house. But I sold out, and I took the very first job that was offered to me, which was marketing in scientific publishing. Not what I wanted, I thought. And I wasn't happy for a long time, but I was good at it. So one thing you want to look at is what are the skills that you're using every day? And do you enjoy using those skills? So I've said this before, but I want to share. You can be really great at something you hate to do. Well, if you're great at something that you hate to do, you shouldn't be doing it. And you're going to be miserable in your job and your career if that's what you're focused on. But back to this story. So I did marketing for years. Then I did market research, which I actually loved. But the reality was I didn't really love the outcomes that I was focused on delivering. Developing new educational products. It didn't really ring my bell. So, you know, do you chuck market research? Do you chuck marketing? Or do you find another job where you can use your amazing talents towards outcomes that you're passionate about? So let's talk about passion for a minute. A lot of people go, ugh, that's pie in the sky. Oh, I can't tell you how many people write, you know, nonsense, forget the passion. I need a paycheck. I do not believe that they're mutually exclusive. And if you believe they are, then you're never gonna have passion. What you think is what is what you're gonna create. I promise you, there's a million millions of people in the world making a lot of money, leveraging their packages, leveraging their passions. Why wouldn't you be that person? Why. Why wouldn't you? But you've got to do some things differently. Absolutely. So back to, you know, my marketing career at the very end as a vice president. I didn't like the marketing skills I was forced to use. I didn't like the number focus. I managed big budgets. I didn't like the lack of collaborative spirit. I didn't like the backstabbing. I didn't like the leadership. Well, what's the answer? Get out. Get out. What's the question? So what you do want to look at job versus career, Is it the job you dislike? Is it the environment? Is it the toxicity? Is it the lack of flexibility. Someone in one of my groups said, I'm so angry I finally found the dream job, but I have an incredibly toxic boss, and I'm so mad. And then she went on to say that she works 11 to 12 hours a day. And I pointed out, I don't think that's an ideal job because it sounded like this was killing her. So often in our minds, we fixate on, I got the title, I got the money. This is the ideal job. And we will be in denial about the 50 things we hate about it. If you're in denial, something negative is going to happen. You know, I've written about this in my book, Breakdown, Breakthrough Crises. The more you're in denial, the more you say, well, you know, parts of this work, but I hate the rest of it. But I'm not going to look at what I hate. The more you're going to have a crisis. Either you're going to be kicked out or fired or laid off or dressed down, or you're going to have a toxic boss. There are signs everywhere. So you want to look at the job, who you're working for, what you're surrounded by, and the outcomes that you're focusing on. And you also want to look at, is this the career that I really want? So for me, after a brutal layoff after 9 11, I had the incredible awakening with the help of a therapist that I don't want to do this career at all. I'm done. I want to help people, not hurt people and be hurt. And from that discussion, became a therapist, coach, writer, speaker. My gosh, if the universe hadn't given me that crisis and kicked me out, and I do believe it was a universal experience, I'd probably have throat cancer. I'm not kidding. I was chronically sick here, as you know, all the time. So job versus career, you got to separate them and understand, is it the entire industry and field and function I don't want, or is it just this job? Okay, now when to leave? Okay, so back to this. A lot of people are going to say, you know, I can't leave this. It's the only job I can get, or it's close to home, or it has this and that and the other thing. I really believe that we didn't come here on this planet at this time to do work we hate. That's not why we're here. Now, sometimes we have to stay in a job we don't like because of limitations that we're facing. But my view is you should always plant the seeds for your future self. Do what you have to to stay afloat, but plant the seeds for your future self. What does, what does that look like? Okay, here's what I feel you need to know here in order to effectively evaluate if is it time to leave and shift? And in order for you not to feel like a victim and stuck in a box with a lid on that you can't get out of, which is what I hear so often. So the very first thing before you know, is it time to leave? Before you make one decision is you got to know yourself. Take my career path assessment. Kathycaprino.com free assessment. Spend three hours with yourself this weekend and know who you are. What are all the dots that you want to connect from age 15 on, right? Who were you? Who are you? What do you want to be doing for a living? Right. Know yourself, then identify what you have to offer and how you are competitively different. So, so many people have no idea how to answer that. Well, you can't leave your job and you can't reinvent your career if you have no idea how you stack up. So all of the tools available, like LinkedIn, look at 50 people who are doing the work that you do or doing the work that you want to do. How do they write about themselves? What are their accomplishments? What are their credentials? What is their schooling? What is their training? And look at how you stack up. You can't decide to leave a job if you don't know the answers to these questions. Yeah, you know, because you'll, you'll struggle a little, a lot. So you have to know what you offer that no one else does or what you do in a way that no one else does it. Right. You have to know what you feel you're worth in the marketplace. And that's not a guess. There's a number of websites, salary.com, etc. Oh, hi, Lisa. So cool. I love it. Thank you. What are you saying in particular here? This resonates so much. Yeah. You followed the traditional path and was miserable as well. I had to leave. Oh, that sounds so great, Lisa. You know, there are. I'm so happy to hear that. Thank you for sharing. There are so many stories of people that braved up and did what Lisa did. Who said, life is too precious for this? Life is too precious for me to be sick every day. Life is too precious and fleeting for me not to be making the difference. You know who. Here, there's 10 of you here. Give me a thumbs up if you have ever said, I am Made for better things than this. Now sometimes we think, oh, that's being a little narcissistic or a little egotistical. I don't think so. I think it's your soul saying, I didn't come here to do this job with toxic people that make me sad and sick. Oh, gosh, I love it. Oh, I love it. No, you came here for a very big reason. Everybody did. Everybody did. When are you gonna do something about it? Right? And there's look at on my Facebook page and LinkedIn. There's so many mentors and sponsors and role models for you if you want to make a change. I promise you. Alright, so back to, you know, let's talk about what you're passionate about. In my book, Breakdown, Breakthrough, I have a whole chapter on, you know, what do I do when I'm passionate about helping children, for instance, who have special needs. I have a friend who left her job at Fortune magazine and said, the one thing that matters most to me is helping special needs children because I have a special needs child and I want to see a different future for this child than what is available in the world today. And she figured out how to leverage all of who she is to honor that passion. Thank God. Right? So what are you passionate about? And if you say, I don't know, I have a lot of people in my life who go, I don't know, I'm not really passionate. I think there's depression there for many of these people. They've kind of flatlined, they've lost touch with themselves. If you have, I believe it. Look at who you were as a child. Your passions were obvious. They were obvious. You know, I love to write, I love to sing, I love to interview people. I loved competitive tennis and competitive sports. I love psychology. What did you love? It's time to reconnect to those passions. Okay. Oh, havalahai. Love it. So here's another thing you need to do. So many people in the corporate world are in a vacuum. I can't tell you how many people have been in Fortune 500 companies. They stay there for 10 years and then that looks like they're going to be fired or laid off. And they're devastated. They don't know how to leave their job. They don't even know where to begin. Well, there's so much written about it. But you start with these steps. Know yourself, understand your competitive value. Start writing and speaking about it. Understand what you're passionate about, understand the outcomes you want to support, and then you start networking a lot of people say, I'm too shy. I don't know where to begin. You got to get over this. And there's. I've even written about networking for introverts. If you're shy and introverted, it can be challenging. You got to get over it. Why? Because you need people to help you. So there's a lot written about that. I won't go into that. But you must do it. You got to go to industry association meetings or meetups or conferences where you're going to see other people and you're going to be in the presence of people that would want your skills. You've got to network, right? And that's all about bringing yourself to market, which is finally the last thing that I want to talk about. If you're unhappy in your job and even if you're happy in your job, you need to be interviewing every three months. And I mean this with all my heart. I look at the young people and the older people and the boomer people who are rocking it. They're interviewing all the time. I don't know why corporate people say stuck and don't do this. You should know recruiters. You should have recruiters continue to give you opportunities. You should be looking on LinkedIn. You should be talking to your friends. You've got to interview. Because the more and more there's a certain way to interview, it's not, please, God, let me get this job. It's let me have an interesting open conversation with this hiring manager and understand if I'm a fit and what they need and would I be a great fit for it. It's just a conversation, but you need to be having those or you're going to feel stuck and scared to leave. You're going to feel like a victim. You're going to feel like, there's no opportunities for me. That's why people stay stuck in jobs they hate, because in their mind, there is no alternative for them. But what they don't understand is it's a choice to feel like that. It's a choice. So how do you know when it's time? When you're unhappy, when you're sick, when you're thwarted, when you say to yourself, oh, my gosh, I know I'm made for different things, for better things. You know, a lot of people will start out with a little kernel of an idea, Gosh, I'd really like to write a book, or I'd really like to be a consultant, but I can't do that. Where would I begin? So they never get out of the gate. Get out of the gate. You're watching this because you know it's time for you to do something different with your career, with your job, with your life. And, you know, I just want to leave you with this. I'm launching this year many more personal growth programs because this. We are a person when we show up to our professional life. And if you're not leading your own life beautifully, you can't lead anything else. You can't manage anything else. You can't be successful. You got to lead your own life. There we go. So who's got some questions? I came late, so let's stay on for five more minutes, shall we? All right. Havalah, what do you got here? Oh, same bike. I've been pedaling for a while, intellectually, so they're emotionally still dragging, but getting closer each day. Oh, Havilah, it's a journey, isn't it? It's a journey. I hear you. Sometimes it's our emotional mood. Sometimes it's the energy we have access to. Sometimes it's crushing responsibilities that keep us focused, just getting through rather than change. And, you know, I will not kid you, career change and reinvention takes energy. A lot of people who I work with, who are in my courses, who continually say, I don't have the energy for this, it's usually because they're going through some other form of crisis in their life that is really drawing their attention in their heart and their spirit. If that's you, you gotta love yourself. Oh, and I want to say this. Happy Valentine's Day. And this is what I'd love everyone to do. Love yourself more today. Yes, We've got children who were showering with Valentine's gifts, and loved ones and spouses and partners and mothers and sisters shout out to mine. But nothing's going to change your life or your world more than loving yourself today more than you do, and loving yourself every day more. So, Havalah, love yourself. You know, it's. It's a journey. It's a journey. And I love it that you're sharing and that you come here every week you've been in my course. I, you know, I really appreciate that. I appreciate how much you focus on improving and bettering your life and dealing with all the challenges that we women face today. It's pretty inspiring. Thank you for being here. All right. Oh, love that woman. Ah, Lisa, are you right? Women are trained. And my goodness, I cannot wait to see this change. It's probably not going to change in my Lifetime. But I'm, I'm seeing this shift with the younger people I'm working with. Women are culturally trained and it's even more so in other countries. You wouldn't believe it, that we cannot put ourselves first, that we're even being selfish to work. I mean, in some cultures, some cults, some groups, some factions, they believe that women should be barefoot, pregnant, and not dare to think about having a sphere of influence outside the home. I, of course, don't agree with that. Choose what you want, whatever is right for you, but don't make women wrong for wanting to work. Choose what's authentic based on your authentic beliefs, but don't make other people wrong for what? For what you believe. That's just crushingly negative. What was I saying? Oh, but we're trained. Women are trained to put other people first. You know, that permeates in every possible way you can imagine. Like the research that shows that forceful, assertive women are punished in our society. Just look at the research. I've written about it in Forbes. We're punished. Well, that's got to change. And yeah, that'll change the whole system. That'll change the whole dynamic. And I know we're all trying to figure it out, men and women, how do we be who we really want to be and make room for others? But I feel like the answer is self abnegation and giving up yourself entirely. That doesn't work. So we got to figure out how to balance who we want to be for others with how we want to live this precious life that we were given. Big question. I know. So who's got a question? One more question about, oh, I don't know if I want to leave my job, my career. Who's got a question? Somebody's out there with a question. No. No questions. Is it time to leave? Is it? Should I stay? What? What about a toxic boss? So let me, since I'm working with so many toxic situations for people, let me just leave you with this. If you love your job but have a very toxic boss, here's what I'm going to say. Let's say the boss is narcissistic. You're not going to win that. You're not going to win that. If they are narcissistic, you can't challenge them, you can't speak up, you can't go to hr. You. It's, it's a disaster because the narcissist will find out and they will drum you out. Narcissists can't be challenged. You're going to have to find something else. Find a different division, find a different unit, find a different job. And you know what? Let me just leave you with this. There isn't only one job, just like there isn't only one soulmate that you should be looking for. There are a lot of people to love in the world. If we wait only for that soulmate, that soulmate may have reincarnated a hundred years before. You look for new opportunities. Excuse me. And the quicker that you can let go of victimized mentality, the quicker you can say, wow, I don't really understand why this is happening, but I'm going to get out of this situation because I do not deserve to be abused and mistreated. I will not tolerate it. Don't stay in a toxic situation. You won't win and you won't succeed and you won't thrive. It's really that simple. And often I find that people who hook into narcissistic or toxic relationships have some healing to do in themselves. To love themselves more, to have stronger boundaries. And that was me. You know, one final toxic boss was enough for me. But also the reality was that job wasn't perfect for me. So it was a dual gift. I was laid off and thank God I healed. About why I kept attracting narcissistic people. And also I had a total reinvention. Believe, believe, believe. And I hope that's helpful. I hope you'll comment. These are now. Thank you, guys. These are going on YouTube as well. So please do subscribe to my channel there, it's YouTube.com backslash Kathy Caprino. And leave your comments, leave your questions. Let the dialogue continue. Let me keep helping you in any way possible. I hope this is helpful. And happy Valentine's Day. Love to you all. Bye.