How to reach out to a stranger online and in person, and make an authentic connection

Hello, everybody. Kathy Caprino here. Welcome to my brave up Tuesday Facebook Live. So happy to see you. Let's check that everything's okay. You can see me. Awesome. Happy New Year. I took a few weeks off from this and missed y'. All. And I hope you've had a wonderful holiday season. Awesome new year, awesome start to the new year. 2017 is going to be different. I can feel, feel it already. There's so much power and energy and juice and in the US there's so much going on. I mean, around the world there is, but certainly for the US with new leadership coming in, we've got a lot to think about and a lot to focus on. Right? Yeah. So what I want to talk about today is this. How do you reach out to a stranger and make a true authentic connection? And I want to tell you a little backstory of why I'm talking about this. Really interesting. So was it three, four days ago? What happened was I received a LinkedIn request. And you know, for many of you who know my stuff, you know, I'm a huge LinkedIn fan. I consider myself a LinkedIn ambassador. I absolutely love it. So I hear from a lot of people, just to set the context, I have something like 317,000 followers there and I have, you know, I get thousands of requests to connect. I think in my inbox I have 1000 unanswered invites and because it's hard to keep up with. But so setting that stage, I get a lot of requests. So I say yes, yes, yes, if, if it looks intriguing to me to connect. And on this day, I got an autoresponder for those of you who don't know what that is. You can program your emails, you can program your LinkedIn account, Twitter account to send automatically when someone connects with you a canned message. And this person's canned message really irked me. So I'm going to be a little snarky right now, but then I'll get back to my non snarky self. It was something like, thanks for connecting. I, I help something like coaches and consultants and small businesses make more money, generate more success. So if you're struggling or if you're having these issues, take advantage of my free call, my free consultation and I'll help you create and blah, blah, blah. So I was just in an irked place already, but this ticked me off like you wouldn't believe because, because I get hundreds of these. So again, from my snarky place, I'm going to say this. No, I'm not a struggling Coach, no, I don't even know who you are and I sure as heck don't want a free consultation from you because I don't know who you are and I don't need what you just said. And how annoying that that would be the very first thing I get from you. So I unconnected from that person. What happened is I just fired off a LinkedIn tip in my status update. I said, here's a tip, don't offer an automated pitch on your business as the first interaction after you connect with somebody. And the thing went viral. I just checked it. I think it's 125,000 views. I think it's something like a hundred comments, 875 likes. The thing went viral. Crazy, right? So when that kind of thing happens, I know this. Number one, it's, it's touching a nerve because we're all getting very fed up with it. Number two, while there were a hundred comments and I think something like 94 of them were like, oh God, yes, agreed. Because I wrote do you agree? But there were four people or so that got annoyed and one woman got downright nasty mean. And I sensed from that that she felt attacked. So you know, she's probably one that has an autoresponder like this and she felt very attacked and came at me in an attacking way and said something like, aren't you the brave up expert? Why should you feel this is off putting? Wow. So not only not only does she disagree, but she's attacking me. You know, it's interesting, when you study communication, you learn you see so much in people about people that they don't even see about themselves anyway, so four out of the hundred didn't agree and several people said, I am new to this and I really appreciate your view. Can you tell me what the best way is to connect? I have a business, I'm excited about the business. What is the best way to tell people about it? So that's why we're here. And I hope you will bring your questions. I hope you'll ask your questions. I'm reading what my. I'm getting some messages here. Very cool. So I want to start with a few things. First of all, this is my personal take. Not everyone will agree. Not everyone is in the situation I'm in. So what I'd love you to do is take it or leave it. If in this half hour I share three things that you really agree with and 52 that you don't chuck out the 52 and go with the things you agree with and Take action. Right? So everybody is different. That's number one. The other thing I want to share with you is when I was in the corporate world 16 years ago and earlier, the way I viewed networking was very different. And what I wanted out of networking was different. Now I have my own business. I'm a coach, consultant, writer, speaker. I'm looking for a different thing when I build my networking, when I build my network and my tribe. So take that for what it is. We're going to talk about how you can identify what you want in networking. But again, I'm not a corporate professional. I have my own business, so I have different views and wishes and goals for networking. The other thing I would want to mention to you is I hear from a lot of people, as I said. So I'm in the media and I get over 400 emails a month, pitching from PR people, from celebrities, pitching their new book, their new business, whatever. So I'm in a place where maybe some aren't. Where I'm getting, you know, a thousand emails a month. And what that does is it shows me, it teaches me what approaches work and what approaches really don't work in one second. But again, I'm coming from a different place. I'm hearing from a ton of people, so know that. But let's get going. The first thing I want to start with is, what is networking to you? It's crazy. People wrote on that and you can find it on my LinkedIn status. But some person wrote, or several people wrote, well, isn't that the point of networking? Which totally blows my mind. No, pitching your business is not the point of networking. The point of networking is to build a network, to build a tribe, to build a community of people that you love, who love you back. That's networking. Networking isn't trolling for people who will pay you money. That's not networking. I don't know what the heck that is. Right? So let's talk about that. And I'm taking off my snark hat and I'm going to share with you this. When I first started my therapy practice I made, I took a move that was so negatively perceived that it was devastating to me. But I learned a lot from it. And I think it's along these same lines, networking. So I started a practice and it was in my town, near my town. And I was invited to give a talk to the pta, the Parent Teacher Association. And I am a marketing person. I've been in marketing for years. So immediately I said, how very cool. Why don't I do a little announcement and send it to all some teachers that I know in the school district and the counselors, guidance counselors, the therapists. Why don't I tell them that I'm doing this and invite them to come? And I thought nothing of that. I thought that was, like, a great idea and really where it came from, which is where I think many of you are coming from. I have a very cool business. I just started a practice, a consulting business. I am really excited about what I do. Let me spread the news. So it wasn't about how can I make money. It was, let me get to know these guidance counselors and therapists and teachers and let's build a network. But the head of the PTA wrote me and slammed me down so hard and so fast. How dare you? She said, reach out to your community like this. You. You know, it almost sounds like she interpreted it that I was saying that the principal was sanctioning this. She took it to the weirdest dimension. And I remember I was about to meet a suicidal client in my therapy practice, and she's on the phone ripping me. And I said, okay, you can stop. I got mad. I said, you can stop yelling at me. I'm not coming to do your PTA meeting. And the fact that you would project onto me all of this craziness is really an indication that I don't want to do this program. Uh, done. And I. And I really don't appreciate you yelling at me. We're done. And she apologized and backtracked. No, no, no. Wait a minute. Please don't pull out. But I thought about that for months. What could have happened that this person would perceive it as hawking my wares. So I learned a few things. I think she was a little twisted, frankly. But here's the reality. Here's what I have to own. Yes, being incredibly excited about your business is wonderful, but you do have to understand the context. Not everybody wants your business. Not everybody wants to know what you do. You have to form a connection first. And in many ways, that's being of service first before. And so I love it that you're excited about your work. What you have to be careful about is you have to understand that people want to know, like, and trust you before they engage with you, before they plunk down a minute of their time or a penny of their money. So back to what is networking? Think about what it is for you. For me, let's talk about LinkedIn for a minute, because that's so huge and such a great Platform for. For me, LinkedIn is like a cocktail party in the sky. The great cocktail party in the sky. It's a place where you are meeting people from all around the world, from all walks of life, from every religion and race and creed and business and socioeconomic standpoint. It's everyone. And it's a way to learn about people, understand people, make a heartfelt spiritual connection. It's not hawking our wares. Right? So for me, that's what networking is. What is it for you? So if you subscribe to the idea it's like the big cocktail party in the sky, then what's really helpful is how am I going to engage in a way that's similar to going to an in person cocktail party with a thousand people from around the world, many of whom don't know anything about what you do for a living and many of whom may not care. Right. So think about it. Literally make a metaphor for it. To me, it's the cocktail party in the sky. So I'm going to behave the way I socially behave when I get together at a cocktail party with strangers. All right? The second thing is, what do you want out of networking? So I would ask you this. Sit with yourself quietly for 20 minutes, take out a pad of paper, that's my favorite exercise, and think about what is it that you're really looking for in networking? And if the first thing that comes to you is I'm trying to sell, I would ask you to rethink that. Really rethink that. Because the world's a big beautiful place, you have a big, beautiful role in it. But if all you're doing is coming at people so that they'll spend money with you, it's a mistake. It's the wrong approach, if you ask me. You're going to put people off. You're not going to attract people you really want to serve. And there's a desperation about it. What that really says is your business is struggling. If that's all you care about, how do I make more money? How do I make more money? How do I sell my programs? You are really missing the boat. And you know what? For any coaches or consultants out there, I don't know if you're like me. I'm so fed up with all the emails and all the hawking of the online marketers. There's one guy in particular that so turned me off last week talking about how many coaches he's helping make $100,000 a month. There's so much that's so unethical about how he's presenting that I'm glad that he's helping people make 100,000amonth. But to present it in the way he is to me is like casting a net, trying to collect fish who are desperate to make 100,000amonth. I think it's the wrong approach. And really when you're in the helping business, if you're not thinking about how you want to help people first, you are barking up the wrong tree. You shouldn't really be in a helping profession. Doesn't mean you can't be very wealthy. Doesn't mean you can't make 100,000amonth or you know, many multiple six figures in your business. But if you're not coming up from a place of how do I help first, you are not gonna, it's not gonna work for you. So what do you want in your networking? And then think about how that's reflecting where you are in your life and what you really want to be and how you want to role model being in the world. I'm getting a little deep here, but. And if any of this resonates, I would love it if you'd give me a thumbs up. So I know I'm talking about stuff that's interesting to you. Make sure you ask your questions. Please let me know that you're there and getting something out of this. All right, so we talked about. I've got some notes that I'm looking at. Are you, when you are networking, are you simply trying to business develop? So when people write me and say, well, how am I out? How else am I supposed to get the word out about your business, my business? There's so many other ways. There's so many other ways. Start a blog. Be of service first. Right, so I'm going to talk about, you know, how we interact with a stranger. But you know, the age old principle, treat other people the way you want to be treated. I honestly, if we can follow that rule, your whole life will change. And that's exactly the same thing online, on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram. As it is in your, your personal life, treat other people the way you want to be treated. So think about how you want LinkedIn to go. Do you want to be attacked by people you know, I've got a business. I've got a business. Buy it. Buy it. No. Right, so I'm gonna finish this part. What not to do. Don't send an automated pitch. Don't do it. Because unless it's so great, so great to connect with you. Thanks. But that's so canned that everybody knows it's not authentic. You didn't write it to me. Don't send an automated pitch. It doesn't work. You know, I'll say this as a media person. Oh, hi, Lisa. Oh, what you saying, Lisa? Oh, you purposely avoid events where cards are being pushed. Right. How may I help you? Beautiful. You got it. You understand it. I love it. Thank you for sharing that. So, yeah, the bit about automation is especially on LinkedIn, you know, you don't know what the demographic, psychographic and geographic issues are for the person you're connecting with. So an automated pitch is going to hit them as very canned. And that is not the way to first make a connection. Right. The second thing is don't send a pitch at all. Right? You don't know this person yet. Don't do it. Follow them, get to know them. As Lisa is saying, be of service to them first. Do something for someone else first. Follow their updates like them. Offer a comment, post their TED Talk in a discussion group. Be of service first. I swear to you, that's how you're gonna get attention. There's an amazing example of someone that just is doing this for me right now. His name is Mario. He followed me and reached out maybe, I don't know, maybe six months ago, four months ago, and said, I admire your work, I love it. And he shares my stuff and he comments on my stuff and I mean, this is going above and beyond, but he'll even create a photo image with a quote of one of my programs or my book or posts. Well, you gotta know, if he's that much of a fan, I am gonna reach out and say, how can I help you? And he reached out and said to me today, two things. This is what he said. Two things. How can I help you? What can I do to support your work? I love it. And number two, thank you. Thank you for what you do. Well, you got to know, and I don't feel like this is being narcissistic that if someone's going to praise me, I'm immediately going to help. It's inspiring to me. It's touching for me that he is such a fan of the work and will go to such lengths to, you know, post a photo message with a quote of mine. So of course I'm going to help in any possible way. All right, don't hawk your wares. We're saying that. And don't make it one sided. So think about you're going into a cocktail party and Your friend Sally introduces you to Tristan and Fred, and you say, hi, how are you? You know, what brings you here? Who do you know here? Would you immediately say, here's my business and will you buy it? Will you take a free session with me? You know, if you do, you won't have any friends. All right, so that's enough about what not to do. So what do you do? All right, so I think that one great way is if someone is. Is trying to reach out and connect, what I'd love to hear is, why do you want to connect? Right? What makes. Why did you choose me? Of all the millions of people on LinkedIn or, you know, they found me somewhere else, or they write me an email, why is it that you want to connect? What is it that you see in my work or what message was enlivening to you? Give me an idea of why it would be a great idea to connect, and then you can share, you know, this is a little bit of what I do and why your work resonates. Okay? So share with someone why, and if you can, you know, give them an indication of who you are and why their work connects. Right. Again, I mentioned be of help. There are so many ways to help people. So many ways. And, you know, I remember years ago, a lot of people reach out for free help from me because of the work I'm in. And sometimes I would get a little beleaguered. It's exhausting, right? Because I run a business and, and I can't do a ton of stuff for free. Although my answer to that is, and this might be of help to you, I have a ton of free materials, right? Videos, articles, resources, assessments. But here's the thing. There's a million ways you can help people without spending an hour of your time. You can introduce them to someone who is wonderful. You know, an introduction can change a person's life. So find ways to be of help to people that aren't going to. You know, a lot of people say to me, you know, this is my business, I can't do this for free. Well, you can help people just by a word, just by an introduction, just by an uplifting comment, right? Just by a random act of kindness. There's so many ways to help people. I would come from that place, help the people you want to connect with. Think about who they might. Who might be a great introduction you could make for them that would open a door. Or, you know, if you hear about an opportunity that's perfect for someone who is a stranger to you. Say, hey, listen, I see that you're in this space. I just learned of an opportunity and I really admire your work. Maybe you'd like to know about it. There are so many ways to help someone. Okay, I'm gonna leave you with this idea. You know, I have spent a lot of time in the working world and also spent time in the healing world. And I think that what we all are longing for most is a heartfelt spiritual connection. I think even when we're selling widgets or, you know, writing a blog or doing Facebook live or trying to reach people or writing a book or doing a talk or whatever it is every day in your business, in your work, what we really want is to have a heart connection with someone. To feel kindness, to feel validated, to feel recognized and appreciated for who we are. We are so desperate for this. I mean, look at what's going on in the political arena. And I just have to say this without giving names. You know, we just saw in the news a very well respected actress mentioning in her speech something she didn't like about our new leadership. And what happens is that new leader tears her down. Wow. This is not what we want in the world. This is not what we're looking for. That's not leadership. If someone doesn't agree with you, you don't rip them, you don't rip them down. They're coming from a place where they have a certain set of beliefs. This is my little soapbox and I'll get off of it in a minute. If someone doesn't agree with you. And listen, I get this all the time in any post that I write. Most people say favorable things, but some people really tear me down. Take a breath, right? We don't want to tear people down when they don't agree with us, they don't agree with us. But the point is, what we're looking for is a heartfelt connection. And you don't do that when you are constantly haranguing people and reaching out, trying to sell or even. Let me use this example. I will have people, you know, send me their resume and say, I need a job and this is my resume. Can you help? My gosh, I don't know. You let me get to know you first, right? Don't hit me up for free help when I don't even know who you are. So connect. Connect with people. Connect from your spirit and your heart and be of service first. And I promise you that will pave the way and open doors for so many amazing ways that help will come back to you a hundredfold. All right, So I would love, love, love to hear your questions. Lisa, what you got here? Ah, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it. Lisa's saying that, you know, let's help other people first. Let's come from the place of not coming at people with your hand out, but being of service. And, you know, that's the other thing. You are able to be of service in so many more ways than you can imagine. A lot of people say, well, what do I have to offer? You're gifted, you're talented, you're amazing, you're brilliant. You have a light to shine. Shine it. You know, don't. Don't say, I have nothing to offer you. Absolutely do. So who's got some questions? Anybody want to ask? Anything at all? No. Well, I'm so grateful that you're here with me. I hope this is helpful. If you don't agree, let me hear that, too. Do it in a kind way. Always, always, always be respectful. Be kind. You know, somebody asked me, what's my word for this year? And it's healing. That's my word. I want to help bring healing to people. And I want us to remember that even if we are really different, we believe different things, we come from different places, we can still be respectful and caring and compassionate and kind. And if we do that, I think the world changes overnight. All right, Lisa has a question. How do we teach those pushy card people how we want to be approached? Love it. So I love this. So someone asked, and thank you, Lisa, for this question. Someone, a wonderful friend of mine wrote, because I said in one of these responses on LinkedIn, do you have the guts to tell people that you don't like how they're doing it? And my friend wrote, is that really going to help? I don't even think we should waste our time teaching. Well, I don't really agree with that because a lot of people actually don't know these things. One woman wrote, in fact, when all this was happening, I got another pitch and I wrote, oh, my God, I got another pitch. So I said, I've got to put my money with where my mouth is or I have to walk the talk as well. And I wrote her, listen, I don't mean to be rude. I don't mean to be hurtful, but I just wrote something about pitches like these. They're really off putting, and let me explain why, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, thank you. You know, I really wish you all the best. And she wrote back, that wasn't rude at all. I'm new to this platform, and that was very helpful. So, Lisa, what I would suggest is that we all brave up. If you don't know what that means, watch my TED Talk. It's time to brave up. Part of this is boundaries. Part of this is I need to assert who I am and what I need to be happy and how I need other people to treat me. I think it's boundaries. So what you could do. And again, in my brave up talk, I say we can say anything when there's love and respect and empathy in our hearts. So when that person's pushing their card at you, and if it's a networking event, a lot of people think that's what you do. They don't really know. They don't know this stuff. You can say. You take the card and you can say, look at their name. Hi, Samantha. It's really great to meet you. So let me share this with you. The way I like to network is more personal. So, you know, I appreciate your card. I'm not going to take it now because it'll probably just end up in the garbage. And I don't mean that in a rude way, but if you want to connect in another way, you know, why don't we go out for coffee or whatever? So what you want to do is not teach from a snarky, mean position of God, I hate this, and therefore I hate you for doing it. You want to be kind, but you want to set a boundary, and you want to be clear. You know, frankly, at events like this, when everyone's pushing their cards on me, that's kind of not the way I like to network, but I like to do it like this. Blip. And then invite them to do it the way you would like to do it. I think we need to brave up, and particularly women, because I think women are trained socially and culturally not to be brave, not to be forceful. And I don't even love the word forceful. I love. Because that implies I'm taking you against your will. I love the word assertive, authoritative, compelling, engaging, inspiring. But to do that, we have to be inspiring. We have to be brave. I hope that's helpful, Lisa. Let me know. Let me know how that goes. Awesome. I love these questions. And, Erin, new to the LinkedIn world. Thank you. Oh, cool. So glad. So glad. So, Erin, you're gonna see a lot of evidence to the contrary of what I'm talking about. A lot of people networking in a way that puts you off. So here's one Final tip, look at how, oh, I didn't mention this. And I wanted to look at how you love to communicate. So let me give you an example. I'm a boomer woman, I'm 56, I was raised and I'm a writer. So when I reach out to someone, it's, hi, Eva or Aaron or Lisa, really great to connect with you. You know, how's your day going? And then I will write and then I'll always have a salutation or conclusion, you know, have a great day or whatever. That's just me. That's how I was raised. That's how I'm comfortable. But my kids, 19 and 22, they write like they text. There's no hello, how's the day going? It's jumping right into the content. And so what I, and I can find that a little off putting when I get that in an email. So watch what your communication preferences are and be aware of them. And also be aware that if people communicate in a way that you don't like, it's not necessarily that they're trying to be rude, it's how they're trained, it's how they're, you know, how they learned. So it's the same thing with LinkedIn. A lot of, a lot of LinkedIn marketing people, thank you for that, are teaching people to have these autoresponders. So you pay someone to help you on LinkedIn, a LinkedIn expert, and they're, and they're crafting your autoresponder, which is gross to some people. So remember, share with people that that's not the way you like it, but be kind and be respectful and understand your communication preferences and make it clear. Make it clear. It's time to set our boundaries. Time to speak up in a loving way about what we need. And I promise you, all of your networking will change because you'll build a tribe. A tribe, that's what I mean. Like a family of people that resonate with what you say, that operate in kind, compassionate ways. It's a beautiful thing. Thank you. Thank you for joining me. I hope this was helpful. Share it. I will post it on LinkedIn this link. Share it with anybody you think who's new to LinkedIn, new to online marketing or online connection, who wants some help? How do I build a network of people that support me in ways that feel good? I hope you'll share it and I hope you'll ask any questions down below. Please do. Let's keep the dialogue going and I hope you'll join me next week. Next Tuesday at noon Eastern time. Thanks, everybody. See you soon. Bye.