How To Stop Burnout *why am i feeling burnt out?*

Foreign Kathy Caprino here. And I'm coming today to talk about something that I think is so important, which is burnout. And it's so important because first of all I'm, I seem to be talking about it or it's coming up in conversations every day with either my clients or my course members or my friends, my family, the people I sing with in my community group, the church. I sing with, my tennis buddies. We're all talking about it. And it's so fascinating because everybody brings their own filter, their own perspective what they think is going on. I want to talk about why I think, think there is such an epidemic of burnout today, but also three. We can call them hacks, we can call them doable strategies for addressing burnout today for you. Okay, so let me talk a little bit about how I view burnout. Everybody's got a different definition. I feel it is a consistent level of stress that, that is a bit beyond our, beyond our normal functioning, but also beyond our coping mechanisms. And I think there's an epidemic. So let me stop. There can be depression, there can be exhaustion, there can be overwhelm, there can be irritability, there can be anger. Some people are just much more quick to anger when they're tired and burnt out and depressed. It can be all of that. So I'm less worried about, you know, a scientific definition and more about just look at how you're feeling. Do you feel your yourself, do you feel like, wow, I can't believe I just reacted like that. That's so not like me. Those are signs that you're going through at least burnout. There could be other things as well. When I was studying as a therapist, we learned about over functioning, it was called, and we often talked about it in a couple. So when one over functions and that is doing more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary, the other under functions, that's how it works. And it works that way. As you as a manager, you as a leader, you as a parent, you as a friend, if you are doing more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary, the other person's doing less. And it's damaging. It's damaging to both parties because when you're doing more, for instance, for your children than you should be, than is healthy for them, you're crippling them, you are robbing them of problem solving, of skill building, of, of feeling satisfaction for what they've accomplished. You're really robbing them of these very important things. But on top of over functioning, what I'm seeing in working with now over 20,000 professional women across six continents is perfectionistic over functioning. So we're not just doing more than is healthy, appropriate, necessary. We are trying to get an A plus in every iota of it and it's just not possible and it's not wise and it's not healthy. Not everything that you're doing needs to be an A in I think both of my books, the first book, Breakdown, Breakthrough and most powerful you, I, I give examples of how we over function kind of every day. So when you compound perfectionistic over functioning with all the stressors that we've not dealt with at the same time, burnout happens. This is just what happens. And sometimes crisis ensues. So because I'm a coach, I want to definitely give you doable strategies, not strategies that are so pie in the sky. And okay, that's going to take me four years or if I do that, that's five hours a week. I don't have five hours a week. I don't want to give you those strategies. I want to give you quick hacks that can actually transform how you're feeling right away. Okay. The very first is gain greater awareness of what you are feeling and dealing with so you can have greater choice. And again, I learned this as a therapist. Greater awareness leads to greater choice. So the deal is you cannot change or address that which you're not aware of. So it's time to identify exactly what is generating your experience and your feelings today of burnout. Right. Number one, what makes me the most stressed, worried and anxious or depressed right now? And try to be specific. Right. I remember we were taught also in therapy, but I use this a lot when clients, new clients would come. I'd say, hi Sally, how are you? What brings you to therapy today? And often they would say, I just want to be happier. And I'd say, nope, we're not going to work on that. And they said, what? What kind of therapist are you? And I would explain that happy is so vague. And, and the barometer shifts, right? The bar shifts when we make it so vague. So the question would be, if you woke up tomorrow happier, what would it look like? What would you be doing differently? Number two, what is different now than a few years ago when I wasn't feeling so burnt out? What has for me personally take the reins on what you can control? So back to perfectionistic over functioning. Address where you may be over functioning in your family, in your job. Are you a volunteer? Do you work 60 hours a week and then you volunteer 10 hours and you're just so drained. But you don't know how to say no, or you don't know how to back out of that project, or you don't know how to say no to the friend who, who is desperately calling on you. All the right back to controlling what you want to control. Ask yourself, are there people in my community or in my life that I can ask for some help this week to ease my burden? Is it time for some therapeutic help to talk through in a really honest, candid, open, safe way what you're going through? Sometimes? Not sometimes. Often it's very difficult to tell our family, I'm depressed, I'm not myself. I feel listless, I feel hopeless. I just want to tell you, as a former therapist and one who's been in therapy and one who gets help a lot when I need it, I'm an enormous fan of therapy. Everybody needs it at some point or another. So if you came from a family that said, oh, therapy is for weaklings or worse, you know, there's a lot of words that are thrown around about people who seek therapy. They're mistaken. You need to be strong to admit you need help. That's strong, that's brave, that's not weak. So I hope you will reach out again. Check out aamft.org for a therapist near you. Whenever someone tells me I'm just killing myself. I'm doing so much, I'm doing everything. I always ask, and I ask this, no matter what problem you're bringing, how old is this problem? How old is this behavior? And you know, a lot of coaches don't want to talk about the past there. I've had people tell me we're trained not to. Nonsense. That's just nonsense. My head explodes when I hear that if you're not talking about what a person went through in the past, you're missing an enormous part of the picture. Ah. So any coach listening to that, who wants training, it doesn't have to be therapeutic training, but I train coaches on how do we dig deep and how do you recognize when someone might need therapeutic help over coaching and what to do when that emerges. But the point is, it's a very rare, I think one in a thousand that someone doesn't say, is this an old problem? And the reasons are fascinating. It may be that they were the older sibling and the parent wasn't stable. So they had. They were the parentified child. They had to take care of the siblings. Or maybe it was they weren't loved if they weren't getting straight A's and then doing 50 other things, they truly weren't loved. They had a narcissistic parent. But if you had emotional manipulation, if you were shamed into, you know, I don't care what you do, but you have to be a doctor or a lawyer or, or we're going to reject you from the family. All of this is going to contribute to you being a perfectionistic over functioner because you couldn't be loved, you couldn't be accepted, or if you weren't, or there were risks if you weren't that my family's going to fall apart, or I had to go get a job at 16 because there wasn't enough money. I want you to ask yourself, how old is this problem? And what else did I learn in my childhood that is with me today? Another piece to this is what new boundaries and priorities can you establish and communicate like, okay, kids, you're 16 and 14 and it's time that you help out here. So here's what I'm thinking. You could do your laundry every week and I really would love it if you would help out with blip. Now when you've done everything for your kid, they're going to push back. They're going to say, what? No, I don't have time for that. Of course they are. So part of building a boundary is not only communicating it, but dealing with the consequences of the pushback. Because it's new for them, but I guarantee you they will be better off for it. And think about how your, your team, your staff, your assistant, you know, is anyone on your team asking you questions that they should know how to answer now, they've been in the job six months. Well, you have to train them. You have to say, ted, I know you got this. I know you can do this. And you know, you do ask an awful lot of questions. So I want to spend a week with you only looking over your doubts about, you know, what leads you to asking these 17 questions. And then I want to wean you off doing that. Be the manager they need, be the leader they need, and then assert the boundaries and deal with the repercussions. Okay? Thirdly, this is the third big step you can take today to deal with burnout and depression and overwhelm. Value yourself and your health and your well being more today. In fact, I'm giving you a number. 10% more. 10%. Why is it motivating? One, it's doable. It's not 80%. It's 10% sleep, maybe 10% more. What do you need Is it a walk in nature? Is it a bath with aromatherapy? Is it time socializing with your friends? I'm gonna end with this metaphor symbol. I'm about to take a plane to Milwaukee and I'm giving workshops to a women's resource summit all about the most powerful you. And you know, on the plane, you always, always, always hear when the. When there's a cabin pressure change and the masks come down, the oxy oxygen. I need more coffee. Oxygen masks come down. Put it on yourself first. If you're traveling with children or with someone who needs your help, that's just. That's not a little platitude. That's life or death. If you are responsible for people or things in your life and you don't have enough oxygen, meaning life affirming, spiritual, emotional, physical, behavioral support and help and energy, you're not going to be able to do what you need to do. This is not a nice to have. This is a must have. So put the mask on. Whatever the oxygen mask looks like to you, put it on. I really hope this was helpful. Thank you. Bye.