Kathy Caprino (speaker) explains why obsessively comparing yourself to others is harmful — it damages self-esteem, well‑being, gratitude, and interferes with taking brave action. She contrasts healthy comparison (inspiration, motivation) with unhealthy comparison (social‑media-driven envy and feeling 'less than'), attributes much of the problem to cultural success metrics and social media veneers, and offers practical steps: notice judging thoughts, separate from them, reframe to kinder thoughts, practice gratitude, and do activities that uplift you.
Chapters
Hello everybody, I'm Kathy Caprino. Welcome to my LinkedIn video. Today I want to talk about how obsessively comparing yourself to others is damaging and how to stop. Interesting topic. I want to tell you why I'm talking about it. So I posted an image and a quote last week. Comparing yourself to others constantly is the death of peace. And I got a lot of comments. I talked to friends, I talked to family. I heard from a lot of people. Many people really understood what I was getting at. Several people said, no, I don't agree. Comparison is a healthy thing, is a good thing. So I want to tell you what I see about why obsessively comparing yourself to others and coming up short hurts you. It hurts your self esteem, it hurts. It hurts your wellness, it hurts your sense of peace and well being and your gratitude for your life. It hurts you. But I want to explain what healthy comparison looks like versus unhealthy comparison. And you know, I see this because I work with a lot of people, I'm in the media, I hear from a lot of people. So it's based on research that I've done and research that I've read about what contributes to our well being. All right, so let me talk about healthy comparison. So I think everybody on the planet at one time or another has been in the presence of somebody who's 10 steps ahead. And you think, wow, look at what they've done. So for me, I'm a writer, I'm writing a second book, I'm writing a screenplay. When I see a film that's incredibly powerful, like the film lion, which I just recently saw and just go, couldn't believe how amazing. Yeah, I'm comparing myself to that screenwriter or that author and I'm saying, wow, that is so enlivening. That's so motivating. I want to hunker down and see if I can create something that has meaning for other people. Or let's say you're a painter and you're taking a class or a singer or whatever it is, or a leader. You see someone who gives a presentation that's powerful and so beautiful and so uplifting and you think, wow, I really would like to be like that. That's a healthy comparison. The flip side is when you are, let's say, sitting on Facebook and you see someone who you think, ugh, she's prettier, she's got a bigger home, her husband loves her more, her kids are going to Harvard and mine aren't, her kids are smarter, more beautiful, more money, and you come up feeling short. That's not healthy. Yet millions of people are engaging in that every day. And I bring up Facebook because I think Facebook, you know, Facebook has a lot of incredible uses. I'm on Facebook. But sadly, when we focus on what did they have that I don't have, that's where it all goes wrong. And that's damaging. And I want to explain what's going on here. So first of all, what we have to understand is this. And I don't think many people do get it as much as they need to. Society, our society, American culture has kind of been built on measures of success. So outward things like how much money you make, how big your house is, how big your car is. Gosh. In the town I used to live in, which shall be nameless for a moment in the newspaper, they listed the people who owned the top 10 people who owned the most expensive cars with their name and the kind of car and the price of the car. You know, I read that, and I'll be honest, I didn't want to live in that town any longer after reading that. Why are we publishing lists of things like that? The most expensive car owned and who owns it? I'm. I think what's wrong with these things is it sets up an instant comparison for all the people that can't afford these things and it makes them feel less than. That's what I'm against. But society, our society has all sorts of measures that are, that permeate our consciousness about what's beauty, what's success, right? What's wealth, what's abundance, what's prosperity, what's well being and what it needs to look like. And when we attune to what society says is right, we can get very confused and very sad because many of us, those are not our inherent values. Those are not what make us feel good and valuable and important. So number one, you got to understand society trains us to compare ourselves to others. Secondly, I want to talk about social media. You know, I had a friend who said, I wish my life were as good as my life looks on Facebook. We howled. We laughed for five minutes. Most of us don't share the reality of our lives on Facebook. We share a veneer. We share the perfectly selected photo out of the 20 selfies we share when it's going well. We don't share when we're in the middle of a breakup. We don't share when we've been dumped. We don't share when we've been fired. We don't share when we don't have makeup on. I had a friend a few years ago who said, you know what? I'm so tired of this veneer stuff. I'm going to show you what I really look like without makeup and I invite you to join me. I don't think one person posted a picture of themselves without makeup. She was alone. She was a pioneer in that. So you have to understand that what you are seeing on social media is a veneer. It's not the reality. It's a finely honed filtered view of a person's life. So if you're sitting there in your jammies and you've just eaten 10 licorice pieces and you feel fat, you feel uncomfortable, I'm going to say it. And you're looking at Facebook and you're seeing your neighbor, you know, in her bikini, understand that this is a veneer of life, not necessarily the reality. Am I making sense? So what happens when we constantly compare and to differentiate between the healthy kind and the positive kind of comparing and the negative kind? It's one thing you need to do. How do you feel when you are comparing? And afterwards if you feel uplifted and motivated and inspired, then that's healthy. If you feel down and less than and a loser and a failure and if it leads you to not appreciate what you have built and what you have in your life, then it's not healthy and it's not helping you. So. And it's really that simple. And if you don't feel good after you compare but you keep doing it, then there's a self esteem issue there that you got to look at. Why do I keep going to the well and making myself feel sick? Why? Why am I doing it? Why am I poisoning myself? Why can't I control this? Why can't I turn this off? Why can't I go read an inspiring book? You know, here's an aside. I'm a fan of Lorna Byrne. Many of you have seen I did a webinar with Lauren is an Irish mystic and a best selling author and a spiritual leader. And she sees angels literally the way you and I see humans. She's written many best selling books, but I have her latest. When I'm feeling a little down or a little askew, I pick up that book. Angels at my Fingertips is her latest and I'm uplifted again and I'm full and inspired. So what I want you to do is be attuned to your emotions. What are you feeling? And if it feels crappy, stop and do something that inspires you. So a few steps to this. How to stop comparing yourself obsessively. I want to say one more thing. I had a chat with a friend about this and another thing I think it does is obsessively comparing and coming up short is it stops you in your tracks from doing the thing you want to do. It makes you think subconsciously I'm not good enough. I don't have enough chops, I'm not trained enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not educated enough to do this thing. Because look, look at what she's done. It stops you from taking that brave action that is going to make you love yourself and appreciate yourself even more because you did. The brave stretch I call it. That's coming up in my upcoming book. All right, so few things to do if you find yourself obsessively comparing and coming up short and feeling bad about it. First of all, you got to gain awareness of the judging thoughts you have. And here's just one quick tip for the next week. Look at your thoughts and we have millions of thoughts. But start being aware of the judging thoughts you have and make a mental check mark. Wow, there goes one of those self critical thoughts. And start understanding that you are not your thoughts and start separating yourself. And then when you see a judging thought, begin to change it to a more loving thought. The second thing to remember is this. It's not a race. You came here on this planet for a reason. I believe your soul signed up for the challenges that you have and you didn't sign up for them only to hate yourself because you're having them. You signed up to learn and evolve and grow through your challenges. And thirdly, be grateful for what you have, for everything you have, all the challenges and all the wonderful, beautiful things that you've created. I hope that helps you stop obsessing and understand how amazing you really are. Thank you. I'll see you soon.
