Episode #646 - Maintaining Personal Identity with Kary Oberbrunner, Founder & CEO of Igniting Souls

Welcome to this edition of the million dollar Mastermind podcast. This is where we pick the brains of high achievers from all walks of life and get their hard earned real world insights on ready. I'm your host, Larry Wydell.

Yeah. And that goes into, you know, reinforces what people heard a thousand times. This is one of the hundred million reasons why quit. The perfect react, you know, the perfect reaction is to look for the other side of it because you are going to have things like, none of us go through life. We're not talking about some theoretical thing that happens to a certain small percentage of the population where they go through these emotional. No, we all deal with it. Like, and at my stage, you know, where I have absolutely nothing to worry about, you know, everything is fantastic by the, you know, the world standards. Everything. You still wake up, I'll still wake up in the middle of the night and the thought will come up. Yeah, but what if this happens?

Ah, sure, sure.

What if. So and so what, what if that is like go away? I don't. Yeah. You know, but if you, they blindside you, like, you start worrying about something irrational, you know, it's like, and you get all, you know, and now you can't go to sleep and like, wait a minute, you know, and you've got, you've got to put those, you've got to talk yourself back from those things, you know.

Absolutely. It is. I really think the entrepreneur game is mindset.

Yeah. But you never reach the point where these ideas can't jump in your head. Negative things, this, that, and the other so and so said, you know, it's as common as going into a party and everybody here knows everybody else and then I'm the only one who doesn't, you know. Yeah, I'm the out, I'm the fish out of water here, you know.

That's right.

And they're all feeling the same way.

I'll tell you what, Larry, I call them mind fields. M I N D F I E L D S meaning that a minefield. You step on a place and you blow yourself up. Well, the entrepreneur journey, the minefield is BS belief system. I've heard that before and you know, it, it truly is. You're not gonna, you're not gonna outperform your self image. And so if you do think, I mean, think about the struggle when I was a cutter, man, if I don't even believe in myself, how am I gonna sell somebody to believe in a product or a service I can do?

Yeah.

So you, you have to go through the transformation yourself. Because that's what all entrepreneurship and business is about. It's about other people buying your belief about your product or service.

Where do you reach the end of the line as a cutter to where? I got to change. I got to get help. What do you do?

Oh, man. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what happened.

You don't amputate your arm or something like that.

I'll tell you what happens.

Where is the ultimate on that just says, this is ridiculous. I got to stop.

It was. It was failing a seminary class. And here's what I mean. I was acing all my classes, and. And I met my wife, and we. She was doing a master's in counseling. I was doing a master's of counseling in divinity. We met, fell in love. I started to confide in her, but guess what? I'm in class, and you're supposed to practice counseling on real people. And they watch videos. And so the professor said, carrie, anytime you counsel somebody and they talk about pain, you emotionally run away. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he said, listen, if you don't fix that, you might fail the class. And I was like, what are you talking about? Like, you know, give me the books, Give me the test. I'll ace everything.

Yeah.

So they kept pushing, pushing, pushing me. And finally I said, fine. I'm going to go in and I'm going to tell the professor that I struggle with cutting.

Yeah.

So I thought this was my breakthrough. I'm going to go in and be honest for the first time in my life. This is the crazy story, Larry. You ready? This is crazy story, man. I go in and I tell. I tell the professor, listen. I struggle with cutting and anger, and. And he listened. And then two days later, I get a letter in my mailbox that says, you're a cutter. You fail the class. You're not fit to be a counselor. And this is again and again, this is supposed to be a. A Christian. A Christian place that helps you. So I went to my. My. My mentor, who is the vice president of the whole school, and he was kind of my mentor and great man, Dr. Dave Plaster. And he said. He said, give me that. Give me that form. And then he went and he said, that professor can't fail you. You go to counseling. We're going to get that grade fixed. Well, guess what, Larry? And again, I'm not bitter, but it turns out that professor was having sex with a student in the class, going through his own.

Yeah. Yeah.

And hypocrisy and my. Here's why. Here's where I go with all this, Larry. The moment we have a breakthrough, the enemy goes after us.

Yeah, yeah.

And. And. And right there, I could have. I could have like, gone down a very dark path and said, screw it. Screw life. I'm done. Thankfully, that guy, that mentor, stood up for me. Yeah, that was my breakthrough. That was my breakthrough. I went to the counselor, I started working on depression. I. I got on a little bit of medicine, but honestly, that wasn't what did it. And that was my breakthrough.

Well, you know, the thing is that I want to say to people that go through this thing, when you go through that, you're at that point and you get the big put down, keep your eyes up and look for some. There'll be someone around you. Usually God does not let you. Yes. The death blow by yourself. And if you just keep your head and eyes up, there'll probably be someone around you to come around and say, forget that. You know, he's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's ridiculous. You know, here you're this, that the other. Nobody thinks that way. In fact, I had a friend.

Did you?

Yeah, in Aspen, actually. I just sent him. I just saw a picture I took of him several years ago. I just sent it out to him, but I'm remembering he came to me and he said this. He wanted to have dinner out there this March or something. And he said, his daughter, you know, he split from his wife early, and then he wound up living in the house. They lived at different parts of the house for years because he was there for the young daughter, you know, she was like, you know, and born late and all that. And the daughters loved him and does, you know, he skied with it. Do everything with him, you know, that, you know, and all kind of adventures all year long. You know, they're like.

Super tight.

Yeah, super tight. Well, she comes back from college and she says, dad, I just want you to know, everybody hates you.

What?

Everybody hates you. Mom hates you. Granddaddy hates you. Grandmother hated you before she died. This hates you. They all hate you. I don't know what her point was. He told me that and I've got to catch myself. I don't say their names because they're such close friends, but it's like, oh, my gosh, when he told me that and I could see the fear on his face, I just burst out laughing. We were the lobby of the Little Nell. I just burst out laughing. I actually fell on the floor in front of the fireplace. It Was just convulsing.

Are you serious?

Yeah. And I said. I said, gotta keep myself from saying his name. I said, what are you. I said, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. That girl loves you. I said, you know, I don't know what kind of soup she swallowed back at school, you know, or whatever, but I said, that's a passing faith, you know, she's just, you know, that'll blow away. I said, don't take. I said, you're the one guy everybody loves. We all like, you know, everybody respects you. I've never heard anything bad about you, you know, and so. But it was like, you could see he wanted to, you know, it, like, got him off the edge of, like. My reaction was so overwhelming that it kind of. You helped him out of that. But it was not manipulated. It was just spontaneous. Like, that's the most ridiculous.

Yeah.

Of all people, you know, but thank goodness. But he needed to hear that, you.

Know, he did, because that could have been a very dark journey.

Yeah. Because his whole life has been, you know, a lot of his self image and everything is the relationship they have. And. But, you know, there's. I remember, I don't know the comedian, but there's a famous comedian we all know who came up through the New York club scene, and he finally got an audience in front of a guy who was a booker for, you know, Johnny Carson or Jay Leonard.

Sure, sure.

Yeah. And he finally got an audience with that guy. And he went in and the booker said. He said, that's the worst set I've ever seen. He said, stop wasting your time on comedy now you'll never be a comedian. And, you know, he went down the checklist. You don't look like one. You this, that, the other, you're the other reason.

Wrong.

Everything stinks. You're not funny. Okay? Do something else. Don't make us have to listen to you try and be funny.

Oh, my gosh.

This guy's destroyed, you know, his whole life, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

He goes to one of his friends. He goes back to one of his friends and said, I just got crushed, you know, by one of. He said. Well, what did he say? He said. He said. That guy said that. He said, of course he did, because he's an idiot. He said, nobody respects what he. His opinion on anything. He said, it's actually a good sign that he didn't like it. You know, it's probably an endorsement.

You know, he reframed the reply. I like that.

Yeah. And so the thing is that these are things we can do for people in our life when the occasion comes, that's good.

Don't.

Or not work. They don't cost us money. But it can be one of the most powerful things.

Transformation. Yeah.

And so it's a matter of just being aware of that now when you. So you're in school.

Yeah.

And you actually move through there and got a pastor degree. Pastorate, yeah. So how did that go?

I'll tell you what. I was. I was in. Get this. I was so young. They gave me my first small country church while I was in school.

Yeah.

So. So. So get this, Larry. I was preaching on Sunday and cutting on Monday. Is that crazy or what? Is that crazy? Is that. That's crazy. That's great. So I'll tell you what. I can tell really quickly in my coaching when someone's faking it. I mean, I can just pick it up because I lived it.

You lived it.

And I lived it. I. And thankfully, you know, God allowed all that to happen. I went to counseling, got help, and then I moved from Indiana to Ohio. Started, you know, not started, but joined a suburban church that was big. And I was the youth pastor and blah, blah, blah. And finally, years later, when. When. That's that book, Your Secret Name. That's the book where I wrote the scary stuff in it, and I came out with this book. And the whole book, honestly, is about you shedding the names that are holding you back and you getting the new name. And I'll tell you what an example of that.

What's an example of that? Shedding old names that are holding you back.

I'll tell you what. I'll give you a movie example, and then I'll tell you a real life example. Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. Aragorn believes the name Strider. And that's where we meet him at. I believe it's called the Prancy Prancing Pony or something like that in the Lord of the Rings. But he's a wanderer. He's not embracing his full name, which is eventually to be the King, Lion King. Same thing. I'll tell you the quick story. Child of the king, heir to the throne, King of the jungle. What does he do? He listens to the liar, Scar. So this is our story. As all humans, we can listen to the truth or the lie. He listens to the liar. He goes into places he shouldn't go, the elephant graveyard. His dad goes to save him, dies in the process. Suddenly, Scar comes and says, you're not king. You're a murderer. You're banished. You're a failure. He believes the lies. So what does he do? He goes and lives. Hakuna matata. Don't worry. Be happy. A life of purposelessness. Yeah. Along comes Rafiki. Says, I know your dad. He's like, my dad's dead? Nope, I'll show you. Takes him into the jungle. Says, look into the pond. He looks into the pond with disgust. All he sees is his. I call it your. Your given names, your birth names. He says, no, look deeper. He sees his father. His father says, check this out. You are more than who you've become. And then he says, become who you're born to be. Yeah. And that's the story of the transformation. So what is my thing? My. My past names are. Oh, I got. I gotta get something here for you. This is cool. This is cool. Larry. I'll explain this white stone in a moment. Okay. My. My false names were Cutter. And by the way, the names can be good athlete. Well, what happens when you get injured? You lose your identity. Beautiful. What happens when you're a burn victim? You lose your identity. So it's not that the names are always bad, but the names are not who you truly are.

Right.

So I had to go through my own journey.

And basically, they get either. Either false or limiting.

False or limiting.

Yeah.

I love that. That's so good. So I'm reading my scripture someday, and I look and I see in the scriptures. It's in the book of Revelation. It says, to the one who overcomes will be given a new name written on a white stone. And no one knows the name except the one who receives it. I'm like, dang, that's a secret name. And I'm like, what is that about? So I do a little bit of research. And in the. In the first century, in a court of law, they would vote the jury. And this had nothing to do with skin color, but if they felt like you were guilty, they would vote with a dark stone. This is where we get the term black ball.

Yeah.

So what the scriptures were saying is that the one who gets the new name is accepted. Innocent. And check this out. That somebody did this for me. Don't worry, this didn't show up like this. Here's my secret name.

Yeah.

Free.

Free.

So my secret name is the word free. And that's what I've always wanted to be. That's who I've. That. Whenever I watch a movie like Dances with Wolves and he's going on the horse and he's holding his hands back. Like every movie clip or every book or every song where someone was truly free. It speaks to me. Yeah, that's who I am today. I'm free.

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