\What Happened to You with Marisa Peer

Welcome to this episode of the Million Dollar Mastermind. I'm Larry Weddell.

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Of Million Dollar Mastermind. I'm here with Marissa here, and she is opening my eyes to the value of therapy. And the exciting thing about Marissa is her therapy is based off she's educated, she's got the training and this and the other, but it primarily comes from the streets and the real world, which is phenomenal. And you were. Marissa, you were telling me you never ask people never say to them, how do you feel? Because obviously they're miserable. But it's like, what the opening question is, what happened to you? How did you learn? Settle on that as kind of an opening way to get people to settle down.

And, you know, I think I worked with a lot of troubled kids. I call them the Lost Boys. I worked with a lot of teenage boys between 14 and 18 who are suicidal. And if you start with what happened to you, they're often very angry, sometimes aggressive, sometimes, you know, really not the easiest kids in the world. When you say, how do you feel? They go, wouldn't you think? What's wrong with you? They go, well, I'm just a mess. But if you say, look, you're a hurt kid. Angry kids are hurt kids. I know that behind all anger is hurt. You're a hurt kid. I can see you're a hurt kid. Tell me what happened. And they'll say, well, you know, then they'll open up and they'll say, well, my dad left when I was one. I've never seen him. He never pays child support. He's got a new kid, kid that has got everything. Game boys and Nikes, and I got nothing and I'm worthless. Or they'll say, well, you know, my mom's horrible to me, or kids at school bully me. When you say, what happened to you? They begin to explain. You know, I had a very angry kid in my office. I mean, just so angry. And he was telling me that he'd fallen off the ironing board when he was a baby and gone straight through a glass. And he had a terrible scar all down his face. And I said to him, if you watch Poldark, he said, no. I said, well, you should watch Poldark because it's the hottest thing in England and the guy's got a scar on his face and he's so sexy. And he said, yeah, you know, I hate my scar, but actually men think it's cool. They think I'm a fighter and women think it's cool. I said, why don't you think it's cool then? I think your scar makes you look quite sexy and I think you should really like your scar. And so he began to, you know, explain about being pushed off this ironing board. His brother bullied him and he'd had this terrible accident and it made him feel like a victim, but he was able to tell me that that was awful. But the scar wasn't going to affect the quality of his life. It was how he felt about the scar when he decided to think it was mysterious and made women find him rather attractive and compelling and men thought he was quite tough, that he could see something good about the scar. And I said, darling, I'm so sorry you have an absent dad. You deserve an amazing dad. It's not fair that you have no dad. But, but let's imagine if you had an amazing dad, a real. What would he say? Of course he went, dunno, whatever. That's a classic 17 year old response. Whatever. I said, no, but you do know, imagine if I could wave a magic wand. I often have when I'm with fans, I sometimes get my little wands out. They like that. If I could wave one of these magic wands and go abracadabra and you've imagined got an amazing dad. Then he said he would say, you're a great kid, I'm proud of you, you're an amazing kid, you're smart. And I said, well, okay, so your dad isn't going to tell you that because he's more immature than you are. But imagine if you could just say, I'm a great kid, I'm smart. And he, that kid did me such a favor because I suddenly realized that it's the missing bit, the words we're waiting to hear. Many people are waiting their whole life for their mum to say, I love you, I'm proud of you. And she's never going to say it. You know the belief that my mom was a cranky, bitter woman, but now she's going to become this sweet little old lady. Well, she's not. She's going to be a cranky, bitter old lady. I'm really sorry, but some people don't change. And you're giving up all your power waiting for her to give you the words when, guess what, you can give yourself the words. You can say, I'm a great kid. I'm a kid worth being proud of. I've got amazing skills. And he went from being so close to going to jail because he was so violent to becoming an amazing chef. He's so successful, he's got an amazing girl, girlfriend. His whole life changed because someone believed in him. Me. But I said, actually, two believe in you. I believe in you. But you can believe in you. And now you've got two people, and actually, that's really all you need. I'd love to wave and get this magic wand and have your dad turn up and be amazing. I can't do that. If I could, I would do it now. But I can get you to turn up and be amazing. I can get you to imagine what a good dad would put into you. And you can put it into yourself. As weird as that sounds, when you start to say the word you've waited. Hey, your mind doesn't go, well, you're saying that your mind just goes, oh, this is balm. If I put balm on my hand right now, it would nourish me. But words nourish your soul. And just like it doesn't care whether. Whether the balm came free on an airplane or came from the most expensive pharmacy in the world, so it is with words. They nourish you, they feed you, they comfort you. And so many of us spend so much time trying to find someone to say the words when we can say them. If you want love, instead of putting your energy into finding it, start saying, I'm deeply lovable. I'm magnetically lovable. I'm so lovable, as I walk down the street, love is going to find me, and I'm going to find it because I am lovable. And when you start to resonate at that level of believing you're lovable, there's not a doubt that you'll find people who match your beliefs, because that's what we do anyway. When you believe you're not lovable, you repel people. When you believe you are, you attract them. And so it's giving yourself the power. You know, when we're a kid, we don't have many needs. Our needs as a child are to be safe, loved, connected, significant. The problem is that when those needs are not met, and they're often not met, we give them up, or we give them, or we give them away by going, I got to find someone out there to make me feel safe and loved. Or we say, there's no one out there. I'll Get a cat. I've given up on love. I'm never going to find love. I'm just going to sit in my house and not expect anything. So we believe we have two choices. Let's give the need up or let's give the need away. But there's a third choice, and it's a much better one. Meet it yourself. Meet the need to be significant, connected yourself. Because although it sounds a bit odd, when you can tell yourself how lovable you are, the chances of you finding love go up so dramatically. But when you believe you're not lovable or actively out looking for love, you're never really going to find it for very long because you still have the underlying belief, I'm not worth it. But when you start to say, I am worth it, I deserve it, I. You're fixing yourself at every possible level. And when you find love, you can keep it forever.

And okay. The four things that kids need safe. They need to be safe, loved, connected. And what was the fourth one?

Significant. That's the needs of a child. I need to be safe, loved, connected and significant. Later, you get a few more needs. I need to be celebrated. But really, that's pretty much our needs, and we still have those exact needs as an adult. And it's when they're not met, so much damage goes wrong. You know, kids who feel insignificant often become bullies because they want to be significant. Kids who think they're not loved often join gangs because they need to feel connected. Kids who feel not safe will attach to someone who makes them safe again, often a gang. And as a parent, our job is to really meet our child's need to be safe, connected, loved, significant, and to be proud of them. But as an adult, we still have those very same needs. The difference is we can meet a lot of those needs ourself.

Yeah. And there's parallels in creating a company that people will feel at home, confident, and can flourish inside. You know, the best companies feel like they'll say all the time that we're a family here. These are the things, someone's got to create these kind of environment.

Exactly. When you create those companies, people will never leave a job if they feel significant and feel they're making a difference. If they feel that they're contributing to the success of that company and they're making a difference, they'll never leave. And yet it's so important for companies to see that it's not always easy. I mean, I have a huge company and I see that, you know, trying to keep tabs on everyone. They're all working from home now. But there are a lot of companies out there doing a great job of making, noticing. Ah, how can I make my staff feel connected, safe, significant, maybe not loved, but appreciated? How can I do that? And if you can always go back to those needs and work on meeting them, you'll have loyal staff who never leave you.

And that allows you to continue to compound your success, your growth, because you're not always going back to repair a destroyed situation and having all these. Because disgruntled children are like disgruntled employees, they're going to create problems for you.

Oh, yeah, usually. And, you know, nowadays with social media, you know, it can take you years to get a reputation. Someone can come along and trash it in moments. And I think that's a great shame, actually, that that's so easy to do, that there are people out there really trying to discredit someone for no reason, and it gives them pleasure. And it's very strange. But, you know, especially people hurt people we have. It's a sign of their tremendous hurt.

Very real thing, and affects everybody. Michaela Sheffrin is the greatest downhill ski racer of all time. She's like 24, 25 years old. She's won. She's slaughtered the competition. I mean, she's won, you know, World Cup. It's amazing the margin they win in that sport, Marissa, by hundredths of a second.

Yeah.

She wins again and again and again and again, again. This woman, young woman who I've known about and followed since she was, you know, 12 years old, the greatest of all time, she goes to the Olympics over in Japan and. Or where was it? China? And she doesn't have a good. Like, things went wrong, but everybody expected to win all the gold medals. And on Twitter, I mean, they're just shredding her, you know, that. Shredding her. Like, you know, you got fat, you got lazy, you got this and that. You've had a soft life. And she's like, unfortunately, she paid attention to it, but I think it was really good for her because it probably because she even got so destroyed. She said, literally, she made the statement. This makes me question every decision I've made for the last 15 years. And if I could have gotten a hold of her, she lives down the road about an hour. It's just like she comes home, it's like, mikayla, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, there's just angry people out of the world who have no clue what they're talking about, who you are. But here's the thing I think it was good for. Because all I know now is last week my buddies here, I don't follow the ski racing like they do here in Aspen, but, you know, the town's full of ex ski racers and all and they follow that stuff, you know, cyclists and ski racers and all of that. And they came and they said, did you see what Michaela did this weekend? She won the downhill. You know, the downhill is a speed event where they just go like, like bats out of hell from the top. They're going like 70 miles an hour down the course, and it's just frightening if you're on the mountain when they go by. It's just like an 18 wheeler went by at 100 miles an hour when they go by you. And she doesn't usually do that event. And she was like entered it at the last minute, like, what the heck? But it was like, I saw her, I said, you know, Mikayla got over it. You know, Michaela's recovered, she's got her mind back because. So I think that experience was good for her over there because we. When, when these things happen to you, the point is, and I imagine, Marissa, you would say that there's no way of going through life unscathed.

No, no, no one goes through life unscathed.

But use it to your advantage, you know, Use that to toughen yourself up to get a new viewpoint of how to interpret that thing, don't you think?

Well, one of the things I teach all of my clients, especially younger kids, is, look, do not let in destructive criticism. Don't let it in. You have a choice. Let it in. You have a choice. I said to you, I don't like you because I don't like anyone who's got green hair. You couldn't possibly let that in because it's so clearly not true.

Right?

But we let in stuff. We'll say, oh, there's not. You're boring, there's nothing to you. And you have to say, I'm not letting that in. Nobody can diminish you unless you agree. And you have a choice to not agree. You know, one of my clients is very famous. I remember him saying, don't read negative reviews, just weigh them. Because there's no such thing as bad press. I mean, there is a lot of bad press and there certainly is such a thing now. But not letting in destructive criticism can change your life. And when you understand that the most important opinion for you is your opinion, if you can do something, you know, I gave it my best. It wasn't my day. Or maybe I didn't give it my best today. Maybe things were going on. But that has nothing to do with my brilliance or my genius or my gift and my talent. And I'll come back, show you. Which is exactly what Michaela's done. But it's so important in the world of trolling to realize that. Don't let. I mean, I have clients. As I get up and I read hate mail. Why do you even read it? Don't read it. Don't read it. I mean, people do that with me. And I just go, okay, someone's written something horrible. Let me just imagine who sits at home going, hey, my life is so great. Who can I scroll today? I'm having the best life. I want to diminish someone. People who do that are already starting from being miserable and unhappy.

So you've been around a lot of successful people.

Yeah, I have.

And, you know, successful people don't spend their time trolling other people.

And they don't. They don't read the trolls about themselves. They don't dish it out.

Yeah.

And they also don't bother to read, absorb it.

Yeah.

I gave one of my clients a cushion, and it said, there's never been a statue erected to a critic. He wrote a play, got mauled, and I gave him a vision. He said, I love that. No one's ever erected a statue to a critic. And there is, in England, a very famous critic, and he decided to write a play, and it was slated. And he said, you know, I never realized, actually, until my play was demolished by the press, that I've been doing that, thinking it was funny and witty and sarcastic. When it happened to me, I really realized it hurts when someone says, I hated your book. I hated your play. I hated your novel. I hated your song. It was terrible. But you have to sit back and go, that's okay. I didn't write it for you like this.

You can get an attitude like this. Like I do. I paint. You know, And I read this about one artist, had this attitude. He said, if I show you. He said, if I show someone my paintings, he said, they may love it or they may hate it. And the thing is, as far as I'm concerned, they're both right.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One guy loves it, one guy hates it. Fine. You know, you're both right. I'm not. There's. There's no reason. I just did it. I like it. You're probably right. I probably did a terrible thing. But I'm not going to let it get into me. Your evaluation?

Yeah. Because when you're creating, when you're writing, painting, you're part of you is doing it for the joy of it. It's like dancing. No one says, shall I get up and dance and see if you like it? You're doing it for you. My daughter is an artist, and I think she's a very successful artist and incredibly gifted. But she just doesn't. When people. Somebody wrote to her about her art and she said, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits because it's so clear that you're disarmed. And he didn't even understand what she was talking about. And I love that I would engage in a battle of wits, but I don't go into battle with people that are disarmed. And he didn't even get it. But I thought that was very clever. But, yeah. A lot of our problems are caused by letting in other people's opinions, which are just opinions worrying what people think of us. What people think of you is none of your business. It's only what you think of you that matters.

You've got to be smart enough to realize that's their opinion. And their opinion could change tomorrow. Could come from ignorance and just. It's not worth trying to figure out why they have that opinion. That's their opinion. God bless.

If you enjoyed what you've heard and are dead serious about finding out for yourself exactly how this works in the real world. I've taken the most valuable business lessons I've learned over 40 years and put them into something for you to watch. Go to Whiteellumwinning.com webinar now in order to move up as fast as possible. I'm Larry Wydell, and I run the Million Dollar Mastermind. Go, go, go.