How to Activate High Performance & Live Your Best Life

Nice to see you all. I switched my screen so I have the cool, like, Brady Bunch thing. I can see you all. How are you all doing? Good. This one will be interactive. Let me see. Does that change my camera on here or do I need to screen share? It does. Okay, cool. So what I want you to do real quick is we're going to draw a line down the middle of our page. And on one side I want you to write is and on the other side, just ought. So is and ought. That's where we're gonna start. And with it in the is section, I want you to draw three circles. I want you to draw a big circle. I want you to draw a medium circle, and I want you to draw a little circle. So we got big circle, a medium circle, and a little circle. And what I'm going to ask you is if I were to go to your calendar, if I were to go to your calendar, I need you to tell me the circle, the size of the circle is how much time something currently, or how much time. Another way to say it is how much space something currently takes up in your life. Now, time and space are two different things. Time might be how much actual physical time is allocated to it on your calendar. Space is how much. Let me draw this. You could see it if this was you. I'll warn you, my art skills are out of this universe. It will if this was you. Those are muscles. If this was you with giant muscles doing big things in the world, then what I need to know is, when I say space, if this is how much mental space is available, how much space do you have allocated in your mind? Meaning, have you dedicated any space that you go. You know what, this space right here, these thoughts. Nothing gets to exist in this part of my mind except for this category of my life that I've put in there. Nothing else is allowed in that space. That's my thinking time for that category of my life. And you know what? This space over here, this space, nothing's allowed in this space except for this category of my life, though the rest of my space, that can get kind of soaked up by everything but these two spaces in my mind and my emotions, in my being. Nothing is allowed to exist in these spaces except for the topics I consciously put there. I'm a pause for a second. How many of you just realized you have a choice on what gets into your space? Right. I'm seeing smiles already going, oops, wow. I didn't know I was supposed to consciously choose what's allowed in and not into my space. How many of you also have children? Well, that screws everything up. That pretty much just goes like this with all the space. I'm just kidding. I have a two and a half year old and it's more challenging with children because children don't respect, obviously, the clear boundary you set with them on your mental space. And so on Thursdays at 2, you have to let them know that this mental space is for mom and dad and no one else. That's clearly when they kick in the front door and light everything on fire and flip the kitchen upside down. There. Cheyenne knows four kids and one the way my gut. Yeah, these boundaries are much more difficult to uphold during children periods of life. But some of you will look at this and have a huge story as to why you let your clients take up all the extra space, even though you've told yourself, I'm holding that space for me. How many of you do that? You have some personal space that you allocate for yourself and then your clients just eat it all up. Oh, yeah, definitely. And so when we talk about space, there's both calendar space and then there's kind of this mental and emotional space that we just talked about. So I'm going to zoom back out. Big circle, small circle, little circle. Here's the categories. You have your relationships, you have yourself, and then you have work or your business. I need you to pick which goes in which circle according to your calendar and space right now. So if I were to go open your calendar, what takes up the most space? If I were to open your calendar and look, what takes up the next most amount of space? And then third category. What takes up the final amount of space for you? What's the big one for you? Just type it in the chat box for me. What takes up the most amount of space for you? There we go. Anyone see a pattern? It's okay. What takes up the second most? So. So hold on, Let me do a break real quick so we can see. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Break. I always put a break so I can see kind of where the line was. So now the second most. What takes up the second category for you all? Okay. Okay. So it's a battle between self and relationships that I can see here. And then break. Let me throw in another break now. What takes up the third? A little too early. What takes up the third category? Self. Okay, so what I'm observing, not for all of us, but for the majority of us, it looks like we've got this going on. We've got work, relationships, and self. That's what I'm kind of observing, at least from the chat section now. How do you want it to be? Meaning if you could have it all your way, what would go in each circle? How ought it need to be? How is is what it is right now? Ought is what ought to be. If I could have it all my way, here's what my life would look like. If I got to choose what time and space things took up in my life, here's how I would choose it would go. What I often observe from my clients is they wish it could be relationship, self, work. There's an asterisk. As long as the amount of money I make here still covers the life I want to live. That's the asterisk. As long as the amount of money I make at work still covers the life I want to live with the ones I love. But I wish I could put my relationships first and then take care of myself. How many of you are mothers in here? Yeah, y' all might need to do this one, y'. All. Maybe not a hundred percent, but y' all might need to do self, relationship, then work. Because as a mom, what I've noticed is, can anyone complete this phrase? It takes a village to raise a family, raise a family, raise a child. That's right. But how many of us have left the village? Most of us have separated from community, yet still realize it takes community to raise a family and raise a child. We're trying to do the work of a community by ourselves. That's oops. I live in Puerto Rico. We just got smashed by a hurricane. Not as bad as Florida, but pretty bad. And what I've noticed, in times of maximum chaos, relationships matter more than everything else. In times of maximum chaos, relationships matter more than everything else. Because when we ran out of propane the other day for our generator, didn't matter how much money I had in that moment, everyone had money. It mattered how. Well, relationship I've built with the gentleman who drives the propane truck, whether he's going to stop here or somewhere else first and that that gentleman's going to take care of his friends and family first and then get to the list of people with money in whatever order they called. And if I don't have a relationship, he's not going to come here first. And so just thinking about that, sometimes moms need a little more self time just to reboot, kind of regenerate, then relationships, then work. But what we've noticed is there's usually how it Is. And someone support said, please tell me how. I'm guessing the question is how? How do we get this so that we can put. Let's just go back to that ideal or that concept of relationships. Then self and then work is the small one. How do we redo our life so that that becomes true? Well, I'll ask you. What order do you log things in your calendar each week? What order? When you take up your calendar and you're going to map out the next seven days, what are the first things you put into your calendar? Because I always say you put the most important stuff first, right? So when you open your calendar, you should plan in the most important things first. And if you look at the pattern most. Yeah, Jessica. Got it. Oops. Right? Oops. I opened my calendar and I put the most important things in first. And by God, I just filled it with work. And then I tried to figure out, how do I get, you know, how do I squeeze some space in for my family and the kids that need me? And then, oh, crap, I ran out of space. There's nothing left for me. Well, I guess I'll wake up at 2am with David Goggins and try to get some workout in before. Before the work and the kids and everything else, right? I love David, but I think life is hard enough. We don't have to make it any harder. And so this concept of, huh, I wonder what would happen. And I'm just going to propose this as a test. I need you to go do the. Do the results or the experiment here. My hypothesis is, I wonder if you were to spend the next 30 days planning life in a different order, if you'd have a radically different experience of your life. That's it for 30 days each week. So you're going to do it four times. I just want you to plan either yourself or your relationships in first, then plan work and see what happens. Because has anyone noticed the stuff that you don't have time for can magically get done very quickly, Right before a vacation, how many of you turn into superhuman you before a vacation? Like, the house gets clean, the laundry's done, my God, the roof's redone, every client is reorganized, Work is leveraged to the team. Holy hell. Right before a vacation magic. You shows up and then you're gone for a week and everything seems to work right. But during a normal week, we have the mantra, the story of, oh, there's not enough time to get everything done this week, right? So in order to get different results, you need a different strategy. In order to get different results, you need a different strategy. Jennifer. Oops. Yeah. All of us do this right before a vacation. We use a different strategy than our normal strategy. That's interesting. Right before a vacation, we have a different strategy that seems to get everything done in 24 hours or less. That usually takes seven days. And if we ask ourselves, why, why does that happen? My hallucination is, if we were to draw, this is the vacay, the vacation, and this is the period of time before. And we go, ooh, if I don't get it done by the starting line, this is the starting line of vacation. If I don't get it done by here, then this is not going to be as fun as I want it to be. Therefore, I have a deadline by when and a very limited amount of time available in order to get this done. So we limit the amount of time and we give ourselves a clear starting line to vacation, and all of a sudden, magic us shows up and gets it all done. Now, what if instead of vacation, we went, well, this is me time. This is family time. This is health time. This is whatever other times we need. Therefore, I must get all this work stuff done in this amount of time before I have time set aside for all these important things. Therefore, I block the important things out first and limit the amount of time I have for work and all of a sudden, my productivity, five X's. What you'll notice is the less amount of time you give yourself to get something done, the more productive you become. That's usually a light bulb moment. The less amount of time you give yourself to do something, the more quickly you get it done. It seems obvious, but it's true. If you limit the amount of time your productivity shoots up. For most of us, the reason we don't get as much done every week is because we give ourselves too much time to get it done. It messes with most people's heads. They go, what? I kept telling myself, I don't have enough time. The truth is, you keep giving yourself too much time. Limit the amount of time. Now. When you limit the amount of time, what happens to a person's emotions? What magically shows up when you have not enough time? How do you feel if I said, hey, here's a really important project. I need it done immediately. Look at how many people put stress and pressure now by raise of hands. How many of you love stress and pressure like you live for it? That's your game, man. Stress and pressure shows up. You're like, ooh, game time. That's me. Put me in. I'm ready. No. Y' all hate it. Now here's what's funny. Do the best people on earth, love or hate stress and pressure. Pick a category. Race car driver, basketball player, tennis pro, I mean pro golfer. And that's a slow sport, but like think of any category. The best on earth, love, stress and pressure. That's when they know everyone else is eliminated except for them and only the others who can handle it. Everyone else is eliminated. The only people left are you and them. Now you have the real game. The real game is not surviving against the masses. It's surviving against the 10 other people that can hang on under massive stress and pressure. Any of you in the military or have been you? Thank you for your service. First all. Second, I got to do a training with the special operations group. It was the special tactics in the Air Force. Pair of rescue jumpers. They brought me in to do a half day of training for them and in return they gave me a day and a half of their training. So the first thing they did is tied me up and threw me in the pool and drown proof me. Then they let me drive there. You know, they let me not drive it but sit in the passenger seat while they drove their off road buggies and Hummers and stuff like that. They let me shoot all their weapons, which was really fun. I now have a deep fascination for wanting to own a 50 caliber rifle, even though there is no general use I will ever legally be able to use it for. But it's just, it was so cool to shoot that I was like, dang, I need one of these. There's no use for it in my life, but it's fun. And so like all these things happened and the coolest part was I got to sit with the person who hand picks who makes it through the training and who doesn't. And I asked them, I said, what's the number one thing you look for in this group? And he said, you know, in the, I think it was eight weeks or nine weeks, people will show up, some of which do not know how to swim. They've never been in the water before. And when we're done with them here, they will be able on one breath without a push off the wall to go underwater, hands and feet tied, swim across the pool, go down to the bottom, untie themselves, put on their mask, put on their snorkel, put on their gear, come to the surface and clear their snorkel all on one breath in an Olympic sized pool. I was like, dude, I can't do that. And I surf and stuff. And he said, exactly. We train people how to become the best in this area. And I said, well, tell me more about this group. He said, this group is basically paramedics for the special operations groups. So think Navy Seal, Army Ranger, these types. If someone like that goes down in the front line, this is the group of people that fight their way in, rescue the human, and fight their way out with the human under heavy combat conditions. Stuff's exploding, bullets are flying. One of these humans in every group has a backpack on with that. When they find the human, they take their backpack off and have an entire surgery kit in their backpack. And they begin to do surgery under open fire and heavy warfare conditions on a human whose life is in risk of dying. In that moment, I was like, talk about pressure and stress. My God. I mean, it's hard enough to do surgery on a human. Try doing it while being shot at. Like, that's a whole different game. I mean, you're trying not to get taken out while you're trying to save someone else's life. But I paused and stepped back and I said, this group is cool. The reason I like this group is they're willing to risk their life so that other people can continue living. I went, I like that. I like this group. Their. Their creed is first there that others may live. Their job as a first responder is to get there and save someone's life under extreme conditions. I went, I really like these people. I'm gonna make them better. And I said, what's the one thing you look for? Is it talent, skill, resilience? Grit? What is it? And they said, the number one thing we look for in these people on if they're going to make it or not is mental resilience. I was like, okay, that sounds tough, but what is it? And they said, mental resilience is so simple. Here. When we ask you to do 50 pushups, when you get to 49 and a half and we go, okay, do 50 more, it's the person who doesn't even wince and just drops back down and comes right back up without thought. It's the person that when they have a destination set that they're moving towards and they're here and they're going, and they're trying to arrive here, and they're going, going, going, going, going, going, going. Right when they're right here and about to have a victory and put their flag and say, we did it, and the destination becomes here, they don't even blink they go, okay, and they just keep moving and then it changes the here and they go, no problem. Keep moving and it changes the here and they go, okay. They don't even blink. It doesn't phase them. They don't get upset. They don't get frustrated. They don't second guess it. They literally go, okay, and keep walking forward. He goes, that is the number one sign we look for if someone's going to succeed in this or not. And I went, shit. That kind of reminds me of real estate. Kind of reminds me of real estate. How many of you have been this close to closing a deal, right? You were that close and the X moved and you went, oh, what the heck happened? I told you not to buy a new car the day before closing. Damn it. Why are you doing that? Your credit score just changed. What are you thinking? Like, something changed right there, right? Something just. You were this close. You were literally right near the X. It was like five feet away in Bingo. Something changes where your ex is at. How many of you realize that's kind of like life, right? My dad always says, trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole life will change. Trade your expectations for appreciation. When you start to expect that you're this close and you expect it to end and then it doesn't. Your expectations are the things that throw you for a loop, not reality. Reality is, you got to walk five feet further. Big deal. Keep going. The expectation of, I didn't think I had to walk the five feet is what hurts our feelings, frustrates us, upsets us, and overwhelms us. It's the expectation throws us off, not reality. Walking five feet is easy, but expecting not to have to walk five feet and then having to walk five feet, oh, that's devastating. And so when we look at our life, number one, if we want our life to be a little different than it is, then it's not changing our expectations that's going to do it. It is changing our strategy. Planning the most important stuff in first. If we need to get more done in less time, that means we need to start by giving ourselves less time so we can get it done quicker. And we need to block off the time for the things that matter most and not let anything interfere with it. And that's super challenging. You know, I find it challenging. Just like the person doing surgery in open fire with bombs blowing up. They can't let anything interfere with their focus while they're getting the job done. Because if they do, either they die, or in this case, their client or the Person getting surgery dies. They can't let anything interfere with their focus in that morning. They gotta stay in that moment. They gotta stay laser focused. Yet you got to release expectation. You have to allow expectation to release. Now, if we look at that, then we're willing to adjust, we're willing to be flexible and move to where the X is within the given period of time. Given period of time. Now, what's fascinating is if we. Is this useful so far? Is it getting you to think? I'm just watching some of your faces. Okay, cool, cool. So if we look at that and we say, okay, now what do we do if relationships are going to come first? Is there a formula for how to absolutely make sure the relationship is insanely healthy? And I went and got certified in something. Let me see if I could find it real quick. I went and got certified with a group that teaches people about 30 years of research they did on over 3,000 couples. And they came up with an exact formula that when you do it, the relationships work, and when you don't, relationships fall apart. And so, nope, that's not it. Where is it? Let me grab their diagram real quick. And this one was so useful because I never had anyone who showed me, like, here is exactly what to do if you want it to work. And if you mess these things up, it'll be the exact thing that causes it to fail. No one ever made it that clear on relationships. Here it is. And so how many of you are familiar with John and Julie Gottman? Have you heard of them before? A few people. Oh, my gosh. Every hand should go up if you want to screenshot something. You're definitely going to want to screenshot this. This is them doing 30 years of research on 3,000 couples from every background, situation, pairing, type, orientation, and everything else in between. And they found when these seven things are present, the relationship lasts. And when any of these seven things are regularly messed up, the relationship falls apart. Done. I was like, damn, that's really useful. No one taught me this before I got into my first relationship. You know, I mean, I kind of counted on people that went before me and didn't quite know what they were doing. I was like, well, shoot, dang. No one taught them either. And then I went back a generation, and no one taught that one, and no one taught that one. And I was like, man, no one is teaching us how to do this. And so I looked at this, and let's relate it both ways. This is both personal relationship and business relationship. I think if these principles work in an intimate relationship. They probably work in a business relationship too. We just have to interpret what it means in the business world instead of just having it in personal. Number one is build love maps. What does that mean? That means look into the future and create a vision for where you're going and what it looks like. And you have to understand theirs and they have to understand yours. If I had a new client, I would ask them, please help me see what 10 years in your future looks like and how I can play a part in it. I need to know. They're like, I don't see you in my Future more than 30 days, I go, okay, shoot. How's that relationship going to work out? I mean, at least they're honest. But my God, if you don't see us working together in 10 years, why should we put all the effort in up front? That's kind of silly. Why don't we find a relationship that we'd like to be in relationship with 10 years from now? And the reason I use 10 years is the hardest client to get is a client for the first time. If you have a client for 10 years, you build a relationship with them. They know like and trust you. And the way they buy from you every year might not be buying another house each year. It might be getting a referral to you that they buy. And if every quarter they buy from you, that means four quarters a year you're getting a referral that purchases, lists, or sells from someone who is in a deep relationship with you. They're regularly buying from you, which means over and over again, they're choosing you. Over and over again, they're saying, oh, you have to work with Jennifer, you have to work with Stacy, you have to work with Large, you have to work with Cheyenne, you have to. And they're bringing people to you. And technically buying from you every 90 days, that's a totally different relationship than someone who like, oh, I mean, people buy a house every three years and, you know, I keep in contact just in case they're ready to buy or list. It's like, no, they should be buying from you every 90 days. Every 90 days there should be a campaign that gets every person you've sold or bought from or with to buy from you again. Every 90 days, they should be sending you a referral. That's normal. That's standard if you have a great relationship. Because you should be constantly revving up that conversation to where they want to do that. And the key is with. I don't know if Lars has covered this but the key with referrals is offer them such great service that they become the hero. When they introduce someone to you and you give them that great service, they come back and go, wow, thank you so much for connecting me with them. I've never been treated this great in my life. Thank you. Help the referrer become the hero by how great you treat the person they refer to. You say, when they refer someone to me, I'm going to treat them so good that it's going to make them look like a hero. That's the level of standard you need to bring to the table when someone gives you a referral. I'm going to treat the referral so good that the person who referred them is going to get phone calls and thank you gift baskets. They're going to be like, you changed my life by introducing me to this person. That standard number one. Number two, share fondness and admiration. Well, this is pretty clear in an intimate relationship. How do you do that in a business relationship? In a business relationship, that's praise and appreciation. Praising or acknowledging and appreciating. If you want to do two A's, acknowledge and appreciate. I acknowledge what you've done, and I just want to say I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for doing the work today. Thank you for staying present. Thank you for participating. That's it. Acknowledge and appreciate. I see you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for doing the work. Turning towards instead of turning away. This one piece will either kill your intimate relationship or cause it to flourish. And it's the opposite of every time management course in existence. Someone who turns towards is when your partner makes a bid for your attention. Hey, look at this. Wow. Did you see this? Oh, this is interesting. Check it out. A bid, meaning they're saying, hey, I'm over here. You know it's me. When they make a bid for your attention, there's three things you can stop and turn towards, which you stop what you're doing and turn towards physically. You turn towards them and go, ooh, let me see. You can turn away. Not right now. I'm busy. Leave me alone. Or you can ignore it, which is even worse. I'm a pause for a second. What does every time management and productivity course teach us to do when someone tries to interrupt our power hour? Ignore it. Black it out. Turn away. Energy vampires. Right? I'm telling you, that will destroy your relationships. Now this creates a conundrum. This creates a conundrum because we think, how in the world am I supposed to be productive. If every time my partner says, hey, babe, check this out, I'm supposed to stop and turn, my God, I'll never get anything done. Well, this is where we have to then make a choice. At what period of life or during the day, are we willing, Are we willing to let our partner know, hey, for this period of time, I need your partnership that I'm going to be all in. You're in, I'm in. We're good. I'm there. The rest of the time, if you ever ask for my attention, I promise you, you will come first. Right now, you know, this is my time to be here. If my wife asked for me, I would stop and go help her. She knows that and I've proven it over and over. If I'm on stage and she needs me and she came out and waved at me, I'd stop and walk off the stage and go help her. Because she knows I'm willing to do it. She never, never violates it, never, never has to test it. She knows 100% of the time, if she asks for me, I will stop what I'm doing and turn towards because I know how important it is. Therefore, she only asks when she really needs it. And I'm always there. Period. It's a different caliber. My son, different story. He's two. I had to put one of those child things on the door so he can't just open the door and walk in. I can hear him fiddling with it every now and then. But we, we need someone else to manage him because he's little. When he's old enough, we will set the same boundary. But he's 2. He doesn't get it yet. So that's a different way of setting a boundary. I put a thing on the door he can't access. My wife, though she knows it, she comes first. If she ever asks for me, I'll stop everything and go to her immediately because I've learned it makes that much of a difference. How do you do that with a client? How do you do that with a client? You give them specific times and places where they can. You will always turn towards them if they ask. You say, hey, on these days, at these times, if you ask, I'm there. Never have to even question, I've got your back. Give them a space and time that you're willing to be there 100% at call if they need you. But you've set the boundary. You've said, in this time, in this place, I'm there. In these times, I'LL have my assistant reach out. I'll have someone. I have a system set up. I have something else in place because I'm not available. But at these times, I'm all yours. That way, they know. They're very clear, moving up, positive perspective. How many of you have had someone do something and you think, like, their soul is evil? That's a big statement. But someone does something, you're like, my gosh, where did you come from? I was walking into church one day in San Diego, and this lady had this shirt on that just made me physically laugh out loud. And the shirt said, not today, Satan. And I just, like, spit my water out. I drank. I was like, wow, what a statement going into church. And she was like, smiling. She's like, nope, he ain't going to get me today. And I don't know why it caught my attention. I think it was just, like, glowing energy she had with the shirt that just threw me off. And what I thought about is, I was like, that could be easily taken the wrong way. Why would you wear that to church? Why? Why do that? Like, that can easily be turned into a story in our heads about her and this and that and good and bad and right and wrong and appropriate and not appropriate. Like, you could get turned into this storm of chaos. How many of you have ever turned a random event into a storm of chaos in your mind? How many of you have done that? Something happened, or better, you think something happened. You don't even know if something actually happened, but you think it happened. And my gosh, you turn it into the biggest thing in your mind that's ever been created, and you lose sleep over it. You're frustrated. I mean, you don't even talk to them when they get home. You just stare at them. You're like, oh, they know they did it too, huh? Yep. They're in a lot of trouble. Nothing happened. You just think it happened and you're creating all this chaos. The positive perspective means I'm going to believe deep down in their soul they have a positive intent. Even if they've done something stupid. I really believe in their soul, it's a good intent. Now, I think the behavior might be ridiculous, but their soul has a good intent. I know it. Will that make a difference in how you treat someone? Yes or no? Yeah. If you think at their core they have a good intent, you will treat them far differently than if you think in their core they're evil. If you think they're purposefully trying to mess things up, they're purposefully trying to mess with it, you'll treat them totally different. Now what's interesting is how you treat them will also determine their next behavior. So when you treat them like they're guilty, they'll start behaving like they're guilty. And then you'll prove self fulfilling prophecy. You'll prove that it was right in reality, if you treated them like they had a great intention. You ever watched that video where a dude's having a really rough day and walks into a police station with a knife and instead of shooting him or tasing him or beating him, a police officer walks up and sits across the room on the desk and just talks with him. And after a few minutes, the police officer stands up, walks over and hugs him and then takes the knife away. And you see this, if you zoom in, you see this dude just break down in tears. Imagine if that police officer thought this person had a horrible intent. He would have just shot him. Instead he goes, you know, I bet this human has a good intent. Let me find out what's going on. Because most humans don't walk into a police station with a knife waving it around. That's kind of a stupid thing to do. Something's going on, let me chat with them. And luckily the person didn't escalate. He didn't try to stab the cop or do anything dumb. He kind of stood there and they chatted and it de escalated and it was beautiful. And I went, man, what guts that person had. In that moment, an easy move would have been to just take them out, but the person had guts to sit there and talk through something that was wildly challenging. They had to have believed at some level that there was some type of positive intent in this human and he was going to find it. That's what it takes. Someone's threatening you in some way. But you know what? I'm going to find the positive intent. A friend told me, and it's written in the book called A Course in Miracles. It says every communication is either an act of love or a cry for help. I went, oh, that explains a lot. Every time someone communicates, it's either an act of love or a cry for help. If it ain't love, then you need to help them find the pain. It's a cry for help. Where's the pain? Act of love or cry for help. And that allows you to keep a positive perspective. I think it's a good person. I think they're just going through some shit. Let me find out where the pain is and I'll instantly know why they're behaving like this. Manage conflict when stuff comes up. Accepting your partner's influence, being willing to talk about the problem, and practice self soothing. The most important one on here is this. How many of you know how to self soothe, meaning breathe your way back to calm. How many of you know how to do that? Right. How many of you have had moments where you completely forgot how to do that? How come it's the same people who know. Y' all raised your hand, I know what to do, and then y' all raise your hand again? Yeah, I totally forgot in that moment. Right. That's just called being triggered. Being triggered. Being triggered is when something catches us off guard and it. It. It sparks us. And the easiest spark to tell is if your heart rate shoots up over 95 beats a minute without you physically moving, like you're sitting down, and your heart rate just goes. The moment it goes over 95 beats a minute without physical exertion, you get triggered. It cuts off access to your prefrontal cortex, which is your executive functioning and the ability to process what's being said. It means you can no longer logically comprehend what the other human is saying. That kind of sucks. You ever been in a discussion that sparks you and you can't, like, all you heard was Charlie Brown's teacher for the last five minutes. You're like, that's it. You got to breathe your way back to calm. You lost access to executive functioning of your brain. You couldn't even process what was being said. The most annoying part is when you can repeat back the last five words and they go, were you listening? And you repeat the five words back and they go, darn it. Like you heard the words. But my God, I don't think you got it. You didn't get it. With managing conflict, understanding how the other person feels is way more important than if they're accurate. I'm going to say this again because this is hard for most of us. Understanding how the other person feels is way more important than if they're accurate or not. This is a big oops for most of us. Most of us grade accuracy during an argument. Accuracy goes out the window when we're triggered. It doesn't matter if they're accurate. What matters is how they feel. And that's hard to do when we're triggered because we're pissed off trying to prove that we're right. Yeah, Matthew just had an aha. Right? When you're in an argument and you're triggered, understanding how the other person feels is more important than accuracy. Throw accuracy out the window for 30 minutes and just be present for them and go. And what you want to do. Oh, it's a mago. You want to acknowledge. Appreciate it and empathize with it. Acknowledge it. If I'm hearing you correctly, acknowledge it, meaning repeat back what they said, Acknowledge what they've just said. Appreciate it. I can very much appreciate how it might feel that way if I was in your shoes. I can appreciate that as well. Empathize with it. That must feel. And this is where you got to take a wild stab in the dark and guess. But guess. If that happened to you, how would you feel? I'd probably feel very irritated. If that happened to me, I'd be pissed off. I'd be frustrated as well. If you acknowledge it, appreciate it, and empathize with it, that's way more important than being accurate. A game changer. Absolute game changer. Make life dreams come true. This is one of my favorites. Let me see if I have the picture real quick. So I married a wonderful woman who happens to love animals. And I don't know if it's in here. Once a year, I look for ways that I could turn a dream into reality. I know where it is. Give me one second, I'll zip it over to this. And so turning dreams into reality means taking a moment to stop and identify what. What's something on a bucket list of the person I care about and could I help turn a dream of theirs into reality? And so in an intimate relationship, this means understanding the dreams of your partner and saying, could I turn one of these dreams into reality? I have a goal that once a year I take something on my wife's bucket list and make it real. Luckily, she loves animals, so the majority of our adventures have to do with going somewhere around the world and usually connecting with an animal. Her all time favorite animal on earth are pandas. And so this was a few years ago when I took her to China to go snuggle a panda. And she had something she refers to as a happiness hangover for the following week, meaning she woke up randomly crying happy tears throughout the week. And I'd turn around and be like, oh my God, are you okay? She's like, no, they're happy tears. And she'd just be bawling purely from the joy of getting to meet her favorite animal on earth. And we've gone to cuddle koalas in Australia and feed kangaroos and swim with the pigs in the Bahamas and we go all over just to do stuff. Because that's her dream. That's her dream. And so I made it my mission to figure out if I can help turn her dreams into reality each year. But in order to do that, I need to know what her dreams are. I need to know what are her dreams, what's her bucket list, what are the things she dreams of doing. Now what's fun is I have a target. When I came to success, I asked everyone on the team, can you please share with me your top values and can you share with me 3 or 4 bucket list dreams you have in your life? And whenever we have a major, major milestone, we put everyone's name in a hat. We haven't done it yet, but we're going to. Towards the end of this year. We put everyone names in a hat, we pull someone's name and as a company, we figure out if we can make one of their life dreams come true. People talk about loyalty and retention. Try turning someone's life dream into reality and watch what happens of how they feel about working with you. I'm telling you, this is 30 years of research on 3,000 couples that shows what works and what doesn't in relationships. Use it finally, sharing shared meanings, creating shared meanings. When something happens, what does it mean? What does it mean as a team, as a company, as an organization, as a couple? When something happens, you have to step back and say, what does this mean to us? Does this mean it's the beginning or the end? Does this mean it's an opportunity or a pain in the butt? You have to come up with the meaning and you have to come up with shared meanings so that you're in agreement with each other. You agree on the meaning. If one person thinks it's the end and the other person thinks it's the beginning, are you going to behave differently? Totally. So you got to come up with a shared meaning. You both co create the meaning and decide, this is the meaning for us. Now, you might have your own meaning and they might have theirs, but when we're together, this is the meaning we choose. I've learned to do something with couples and what I end up doing with them is you come up with your values and mission and vision and then they come up with theirs. So you kind of have, here's mine, here's theirs over here, right? And then together you go like this and you create hours. Ours. This is a combination of yours and theirs. Chosen consciously together. When I'm by myself, here's who I am. When they're by themselves, here's who they are. When we choose to be together, here's who we are. I recognize your uniqueness and identity. I know who you are on your own. I know who I am on my own. But when we choose to be together, here's who we are. This is our vision, our values, our. Our mission. This is what we stand for when we're together. And it has a different code of operation. When you choose to be together, it's a choice. I keep saying the word choose because you have to choose it every day. I had an uncle who went through aa and he said, every day I wake up and I choose sobriety. And I said, ew, that's really important, because any day he woke up and didn't choose it, it often leads to a pretty bad spiral. And I said, ah, that's kind of like a relationship. Every day we must wake up and choose to be in the relationship. That's a choice. And so if we're choosing to be in a partnership, if we're choosing to work with people, if we're choosing to be in an intimate relationship, we need a clear understanding of how it works when we're together. I always tell people there's only four things that success we live by. Number one, you have to care about something more than just yourself. I don't care what it is. It could be trees or dogs or cats or any your family. Something more than yourself. And that just means someone's done the work on themselves enough that they feel whole that they have space for other things or people. You got to care about something more than yourself. Number two, you have to be willing to do the work. Willing is an action word meaning willpower, Willing yourself to do the work each day. Number three, you gotta tell the truth. If you're not honest about what's real, people will give you the wrong information. If I say, where are you going? And you're like, well, I'm in Dallas, Texas, headed to New York City. And I said, what time of year is it? You said, summer. How's the skies? Clear skies. I tell you to drive a sports car with the top down. If it turns out you're in the middle of Minnesota and it's snowing, 12ft of snow and a sports car is a horrible idea. But I'd give you the wrong suggestion if you gave me the wrong truth. You got to tell me what's real. If you're going to get the right insights and advice and strategy and tactics, finally have fun, you got to be willing to have fun. You got to be willing to enjoy the process and celebrate the results. There's nothing worse than hanging out with someone that you help achieve a life dream. And they go, yep, now what? You're like, seriously, if I'm more excited than you, what the hell? I mean, it wasn't even my dream. It was your dream. I mean, you don't need to have a seven day happiness hangover like my wife, but you got to have some level of excitement. And the excitement is used to train your brain. Train your brain that when I do the work and it works out, I train my brain to go, that was good. My psych professor told me, neurons that fire together, wire together, meaning when you do something, it links up in your brain. You want to link up massive good feelings and pleasure to getting the results. That way your brain knows when I get there, it's going to feel amazing. Therefore, I'm willing to do the work, to do it again. I'm gonna stop right there. Was this useful. Lars, how we do it was awesome, awesome, awesome. And I know in a group of, you know, 200 real estate agents, you know, just putting, putting the wrong stuff first tends to get the best of us. So I think this was really interesting. All of us, I'm included, I messed this up and I teach it, so. And I'll tell you, it's not knowing it. Knowing how to shoot a free throw is cool. Shooting a free throw under maximum stress and chaos in the playoffs, that's a whole different story. That's the difference between a person who plays in their backyard and a dude who gets paid $280 million to play. The one who can play under massive stress and chaos gets paid all the money. Both, both are just shooting free throws, but one can do it under very specific circumstances. Therefore they get a totally different roi. Awesome. Awesome. All right, man. This was amazing. I don't know if there's any questions, but we've got a lot of good chat going on this. And I know it's convicting in some ways, but it's all good stuff for sure. Yeah. You got to do something about it. Yeah. Our small plug. If you need help working on any of the types of things we talked about, come check out Success Coaching. They have one on one coaching that can help support you in using this type of material in your life. I'll give you. We expect people to show up knowing what they want to work on. I always think of it like Olympic training camp, meaning you don't show up to Chula Vista, California as a sprinter asking them to teach you how to run. You show up saying, hey, I know how to run. I'm one of the best runners out there. But I need you to help me run better, faster and more efficiently so I can win a gold medal. They're not going to teach you how to run, but they're going to get you to run better than you've ever run. And so if you're a great runner, hypothetically, and you want to run better, our coaches are awesome at holding you accountable. The other part is I see Jennifer is joining us in success certification. We just sold out for 2022. We're sold out all the way through December. We just sold our last spot this morning. So January. If any of you are interested in becoming success coaches, we're looking for more people to join our team. And so all the info is at. What is it? Coaching.success.com certification or just coaching.success.com then click the certification tab on the screen and it has an outline of what's in the course. Really, really amazing opportunity with that as well. Okay, I gotta jump. Thank you all for having me.