10 Dating Turnoffs You CAN'T Come Back From | Matthew Hussey
In this conversational podcast episode, Matthew AI, Steve, and Audrey dissect the phenomenon known as "the ick"—a sudden, often irreversible feeling of repulsion toward a romantic partner. They trace the term’s popularity to a TikTok trend where users list quirky turn‑offs, ranging from the absurd (hands up on a roller coaster, playing cricket, trampoline antics) to more culturally charged examples (standing in line too long, cross‑legged posture, studying business, eating pork). The hosts debate whether these icks are merely superficial pet‑peeves or signals of deeper incompatibilities rooted in primitive, insecure reactions, past trauma, or value mismatches. Audrey argues that the ick is a primitive, insecurity‑driven response common among younger, status‑concerned daters, while Steve and Matthew suggest that many icks act as gateways to larger relational red flags such as chaos, neediness, or controlling behavior. Cultural lenses are explored, noting how British, French, and American norms shape what is perceived as off‑putting. The discussion culminates in the idea that while some icks are trivial, they often reveal underlying judgments and can serve as useful diagnostic tools for dating decisions. Listeners are invited to share their own ick stories via email.
Chapters
And then there was a woman who said, I can't look at my partner when he's showering. He looks pathetic.
Well, let's do it. Ick. Steve, where do you want to start? With the ick.
So the ick is supposed to be this feeling of suddenly, irrevocably being turned off by someone with no hope of return. It could be a current relationship, could be a budding one. It tends to often be people in this sort of middle stage, I'd say, or early to middle stage. And basically there became this TikTok trend. As much as I am up with TikTok trends, there was this TikTok trend of people describing their version of the ick. And this is where I want to point a question to you, Audrey, as we come on to this as a woman, because I feel there's some weird mix here between what might be genuine incompatibility and that causes the ick. And then, like, just pet peeves and a lot of these lists. So there's a list that came up that was a bunch of people's icks, and they sort of sound ridiculous.
Go on.
Matt. If I told you.
Wait, these are. These are ones you found on TikTok.
These are ones that were listed in various articles gathered from Tick tock.
Okay.
Places like that putting his hands up on a roller coaster has given someone the ick playing cricket.
Well, hang on, let's just. So the roller coaster one is what.
Is a few of these. So, but.
But just, you know, we. Maybe we can pick up the pace on them. But, like, can we just for a moment speculate on why putting someone's putting your hands up on a roller coaster might be an ick? I. I have a theory.
I suppose it's like people see it as cringe or they see it as try hard.
Yeah.
I think they see it as a bit goofy.
Yeah.
And a little bit like you're enjoying yourself too much. You're a little bit too in the moment.
Overly enthusiastic. Yeah. It's not cool. It's not like. It's not like you're just on a roller coaster having a good time. It's like I'm on a roller coaster, and I'm gonna make it even more scary by putting my hands in the air.
Right. Like, I'm. I'm. Dude, I'm a bad boy, baby.
No, no, no. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. It's like I'm the bad boy. Is like the bad boy's looking at the person with their hands up and like, what are you doing? Why are you doing that?
The bad boy is enduring a roller coaster.
Oh. So this guy's really into it. He's loving the bad boy.
Like if. If the guy's sitting next. Imagine like a teenager sitting next to his mum and his mum puts her hands up in the. On the roller coaster and he's like, mum, put your hands down. What you doing? Because that. That sort of feeling. So it's. It's overly keen.
Right. And again, these are all the frivolous ones. There are some more.
Right. But I just think it's interesting to kind of get a little bit of. Yeah, psychology here. So what's the next one?
So one is playing cricket.
Hang on. This is a very English reference. This could not have come from American TikTok.
Well, no, tick tocks, you know, it's all over the show.
Well, I know that, but there's no way. This is not like. This is a very local reference.
Here's a few more.
Why? Why playing cricket? For those in America, why might playing cricket be an it.
It might be seen as like a fusty sport.
And it's like a bit of a tough, posh boy.
A bit of a posh boy schoolboy sport. I guess that's. That would be the image people would have of it. But here's some others. Jumped weird on a trampoline.
Now that is very, very specific.
Very specific.
How many people are even seeing. I mean, you can go your whole life without seeing anyone you date on a trampoline.
Yeah. So if he does it 10 years into the marriage, you're screwed.
Right.
And you get the ick.
If that's your thing, you better put him on a tramp. You better find an excuse to get him on a trampoline quickly.
Yeah. I did not know what that Pratt would look like on a trampoline.
Yeah.
Had I known, I thought, he's the man of my dreams. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel misled.
His sniffed loudly.
Hang on, though, why the trampoline thing?
Sorry, you're overanalyzing this.
I think. I think the trampoline thing is the same as the roller coaster thing. I reckon he was enjoying himself a little bit too much on the trampoline. Letting go.
Not enough indifference.
Not enough indifference, not enough composure.
Do you think it's also a coordination thing? Like, I don't like. He sort of looked all gangly and weird.
And here's one standing in a long line. Standing in a long line could give someone the it.
I'm speechless for that one.
Is that just.
That feels. That feels cultural to me.
Cultural?
Yeah. There are some cultures that just don't. The, the idea of standing in a line is sort of offensive. And there are others that are real.
Like it's too submissive.
Like English people queue up.
Right.
You know what I mean? They, they queue up. Whereas there are other cultures where they're just like, what are you doing? No, I'm just going to find a way around this. They just can't deal with it.
Right, right.
I can definitely see a French woman being put off by somebody standing in the line for too long.
Right, right. And you are, of course, speaking as a French woman.
As a French woman.
I just want to make that Audrey's not just saying. She's not just hating on the French right now, she is the French.
He literally might be standing in line buying movie tickets for you guys. And she goes, well, I don't like to look at it. I don't like what I'm saying.
She goes, I can't take this.
This isn't for me. Here's another one sat cross legged. So I'm in trouble if people can look at me right now.
If you saw me right now, I'm halfway between a cross legged style.
That was one I saw people didn't like one knee over the other.
What do you mean? Well, that's.
You've got one knee. I'm sat cross legged. Sort of in a cross legged.
This would be one knee over the other. As if I'm just sit like this.
No, I think, I think what Matt's doing is cross legged.
I think. No, that you're.
I'm cross legged. You're sort of one over one knee over the other.
Now I think that the cross legged thing is that feels sort of infant like.
Right.
Feels like sort of childish and therefore it doesn't feel. I think they're versions of versions of the same thing. One feels a bit like you sort of resembling a child and the cross and the one leg over the other. Some people I think look at and go, oh, that's too feminine.
This is an ancient yogic pose. I mean, this is, you know, right. You're. You're disgracing all kinds of traditions and there's lots of.
This is, you know, we'll come on to this. But if, if Prince and I don't know how Prince sat, but I bet you he sat with one leg over the other a lot.
Yeah.
And people loved it.
In a lovely purple pair of trousers. Yeah.
And I've. And it was.
And I bet purple trousers is on some people's list. But when Prince bloody does it, right.
Man or woman, you. You want to shag him, right?
Yeah.
I'm not saying, I'm just. He's Prince, He's Prince. That's what I'm trying to say is that I bet you people were never arguing that Prince had one leg over the other. But, you know.
Right.
It's all coming out now, isn't it?
Here's another one. Studied business. I think people just see that as a. They see a cliche of a certain kind of man who studies business. You know, someone who's. Someone who's not culturally deep or something like that.
Interesting. Well, it's just sort of seen as a kind of catch all. Like you didn't know what else to do. So you, it's not a. It's not a sign of passion, so you just went for business. Or that you're sort of only commercially driven and that's a turn.
Right? Right. Like you're not. There's not interest or quirkiness. There was too nice. I mean, that's a person really putting their cards on the table. There was too nice. Although that could be seen as. People can be cloying or annoying or needy if they're, you know. Nice is a, is a sort of euphemistic word, isn't it? Ate pork. That's quite culturally specific, I think. Ate pork or vegetarian.
Well, a lot of people really like pigs.
A lot of people like pigs.
So I do feel like pork. Even amongst people who. It's not a cultural or a religious thing that they don't eat pork. There's just sort of a scene. Eating pigs is just seen as particularly, you know, they're bright. They're really bright.
I love the attention you're giving to this. There's. There's a.
Interesting. I think there's insights into people from these.
There's one, one woman wrote. So one guy wrote girls who can't drive a manual car. Denim jackets with woolly collars. And then a woman said, I wrote that.
Jackets with woolly collars. That feels like a woman wrote that.
And then there was a. And then there was a woman who said, I can't look at my partner when he's showering. He looks pathetic. I mean, like, like any. So many of these are like moments of little vulnerability and they're just immediately pounced on. But a man showering, he literally can't do anything about that. And also.
So mean.
And also, also some women Find it sexy.
So sorry.
Like, like some people find it sexy watching their partner shower. So that's kind of.
She said that about guys she's with.
Yeah. I can't stand watching my partner showering.
I feel like with a lot of these there's some pre existing contempt just waiting to come out.
Right.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, like hyper judgmental.
Yeah. If you do you feel like your partner is just the sexiest, most manly, amazing, just person that you've ever met in your entire life and you see him naked, showering, you wouldn't go to. He looks pathetic.
Yeah, you would. Sorry. Ryan Gosling, I'm not into. When you soap yourself, I just, it turns my stomach.
I feel like it's almost that behavior then highlights something that's already existing in the way that they perceive that person.
Do you think?
I think so.
I think it's also possible that. I think that's true. I think it's also possible that something that someone does can remind a person of some thing conscious or unconscious from their past that's become kind of locked in as a. It's like if you're, I don't know if you're parent ate a certain way that sort of drove you mad at one point or another and then you date someone who has that eating style, you know, choose their food that way, then it's kind of becomes triggering and it might be a kind of overall result of the contempt you feel for your partner in other ways. Or it could be something that you just kind of go. It reminds you of something that you really don't like.
So like a lot of these icks.
Right.
Those are silly. And I don't know if that's what. When people talk about the ick as like a big thing, they felt they suddenly. I've heard it like say I heard it described as like your partner suddenly makes your skin crawl. There's some description here by psychologists. Like suddenly they're, they're them kissing your neck feels like a slug crawling around your neck and you're like, oh, get off me. But like it's almost like something is broken and you've. Maybe it's like this person reminds me of some. Like I remember or I've seen something in their, their value system, their beliefs, the way they think about, you know, suddenly you think this person is, I don't know, this person's got a really like crass, horrible like view on the world or there's some way they're rude or there's some way they there's something, right, and you're just like, I can't stand this kind of person. It's like a bit deeper than these silly things, isn't it?
I actually don't think it is. I think the ick is so much more primitive than that. And I think it's interwoven insecurity. Because, you know, when you're younger and you feel like there is an abundance of time and people and choice, you just get to value very superficial things. And that's no shade on young people. I think, you know, you. There are plenty of young people who have a level of maturity that people never reach when they're older. But as a general rule, you know, you're always wanting to date the cool, hot, funny, popular person, and you are less sort of drawn to the kinds of traits that maybe you gravitate towards as you get older. And I think when you're younger, you're much more judgmental and contemptuous towards other people because you have a lot of insecurities within yourself. So you find yourself repulsive in certain ways. You desperately want to be cool. You never want to be found out for anything. And so to associate yourself with somebody who could possibly, you know, drag you down to the level that you think you're at and possibly make you feel like you're not, you know, you're suddenly not popular and suddenly not that person. I think that's. That's one of the reasons that we get so repulsed by people.
Oh, my God, this guy's not in the core club. Like, he's like, yeah, it's like it's going to infect me so.
Exactly. I think it's almost like, look at him, he's sitting cross legged. He looks so, you know, weak and, oh, my God, I can't be around that. I can't have people think that the guy that I'm with is that kind of guy. I'm repulsed. And I think that's where the primitive response comes in because it's such a kind of emotional response. And I think the older you get, the more comfortable you get in yourself, the more you realize that you yourself aren't perfect and people are just, you know, people with flaws and whatever. And I think you just end up being way more accepting of certain things because you realize that in order to find a partner, you have to make allowances for people's weird quirks.
See, I kind of. I think there is interesting things on both sides because on one hand, I do think that the icks take place on a Kind of primitive level. That means that for practical purposes, it's almost like they don't differentiate. The silly icks don't actually really differentiate themselves from the ones that we might perceive as being about something much more meaningful and important. But what you're saying, Steve, is that there are some icks that get to much more fundamental things, right?
Like say if you, you were dating someone and they were just a chaotic, disorganized nightmare and you were like, oh my God, I've played mother to a guy like this before. And I'm like, I'm out. I don't want a guy like this. Or you have like someone who is super needy and like over lavishes you with like gifts and attention early on and you're like, oh God, I don't, I don't want. I've had a needy, I've had a needy boyfriend before. I've got to like get away from this. And like something that's almost like a trigger for like, oh, you've just had like a domineering dad or man or something where you've been like, this person talks over me. They don't let me do this. They. That. He tries like one thing that sounds a bit controlling and it triggers something in you that's like, I don't want someone who's going to control me. And it's more like something viscerally is like, nope.
But to that extent, really, if you think about it, an ick is just a trigger. So if you take the idea of like the chaotic person, that is a turn off because you're like, oh my God, I'm going to end up playing mother to this person. And you go, well, what would be the ick? The ick might be you got in that guy's car for the first time and it was gross, right? And it was a mess. And if you were then to kind of. If someone put that out on TikTok as the ick, they wouldn't describe it as. My ick is a chaotic person whose life is in disorder and can't manage their responsibilities. You would say someone having a messy car.
He had like five McDonald's rappers.
Exactly. To me, an ick is just a portal to it. That's why I'm interested. Because an ick to me is just a, a gateway to a bigger theme about what is unattractive. And I'm really interested in people's opinions on all of this. I think this is gonna. People will have some really interesting ways of looking at this. So email us what you think of this? What? Maybe a story you have about this. Maybe a story of a turnaround from a nick. Maybe you're struggling with a certain nick in early dating. Email us and let us know. Podcast@matthewhussey.com.
