In this video, Matthew Hussey explains why many people get hurt early in relationships by confusing attraction with excessive investment. He introduces two "levers": the attraction lever (the natural, volatile feeling of being drawn to someone) and the investment lever (the amount of effort, time, intimacy, and resources one puts into the other person). He argues that most people, once they feel a hint of attraction, immediately crank up the investment lever, which can backfire because the other person’s attraction may not be equally strong, leading to reduced interest or even exploitation. Hussey advises maintaining a steady, measured hand on the investment lever—investing modestly, observing reciprocity, and pulling back when the other party does not match the effort. He uses a metaphor that the heart is a place rather than something to give away; access to deeper parts of that place depends on the other’s investment. Finally, he promotes his "Keep the Guy" program, which outlines specific moments from meeting to marriage where one should increase or decrease investment to build mutual attraction and secure commitment.
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Here's the reason why people get so hurt in early relationships. They decide that they like a guy and having decided that they like the guy, they invest an incredible amount in getting him to like them back. In other words, they give them their heart. I decide I like you or love you and I say, here's my heart. It's yours. It belongs to you. This is not a romantic concept. We've been led to believe that this is romantic, that I can just abdicate responsibility and take no accountability for myself. Just give myself over to you and see what you do with my feelings and my emotions. I want you to understand that there are two levers in falling in love. One is attraction. Attraction is when we actually decide that we like someone, that there's something to admire about them, that there's a spark between us and so on. Then there's the the investment lever. The investment lever is how much do I invest in you? How much do I give to you? How much effort do I expend in pursuit of you or with you? That's investment. So attraction and investment, these two levers are side by side. Most people, when they feel a little bit of attraction, they yank down the investment lever. They say, oh my God, I'm attracted to someone. Even a little bit, I'm gonna start trying as hard as I can to get them to like me. This is bad, because when you yank down the investment lever and they don't come with you, Their attraction for you goes down. What we have to realize is the attraction lever is much more volatile. We don't have full control over who we're attracted to. That's part of the problem. Sometimes we're attracted to the wrong people. But we do have control over the investment lever. How much do I give to you? How much effort do I put in? I have full control over that. And just because I get attracted to you, it doesn't mean I should invest in you. There is a difference. We have to be steady hand with the investment lever, even if the attraction lever is really volatile. we have to be really steady hand with this. Oh, I'm attracted to you. Okay, let me invest a little. Do you invest back? Oh, you did? Okay, let me invest a little bit more. Because investing full-on never made anybody like us. If anything, it just scares people away or it shows them that they can use us and treat us badly. Some people invest all of their time. Other people invest their bodies and they're intimate in ways that they really only want to be with someone that they're really partners with, but they're doing it with this person because they really like them. Introducing this person to their family or their friends or by missing work for them or by helping that person with a project that they can help with. They try in all of these ways to invest because they think that that's what will make the difference. The thing that really gets people attracted is when they realize that in order to get our investment, they have to invest too. It's for that reason, by the way, that I hate the metaphor of giving our heart to somebody because I really believe that our heart is in a possession. Our heart is a place. It's a place that someone can visit. Depending on how much they've invested, they can access some parts of it and not others. And if they want to access more of our heart, more of this wonderful place, then they have to invest more. Some people, they invest enough to become a permanent resident of that heart, of that place. When we like someone, stopping ourselves from investing can be very, very difficult. But it doesn't have to be complex. There are right moments to invest and right moments to pull back. Knowing the difference is what will absolutely control someone's attraction for you, how much they want you, and how much they see you as genuine relationship potential. Now, if you want to learn more about this, I actually have a program called Keep the Guy that shows you from the moment of meeting someone to having a relationship, even up to marriage, at what points you should be investing more, and at what moments you should be responding by investing less. Both can build attraction equally and determine the future of your relationship with somebody. So I'd love you to check this out. It's called Keep the Guy. You can go to keeptheguy.com to find out more about it. We'll link it up here as always. I will see you in next week's video. Thanks guys.
