3 CONFIDENCE SECRETS That Make You MORE ATTRACTIVE | Matthew Hussey

My confidence has to be derived from something deeper. I'm here on this earth once and this is what I have.

Right.

So let me go and make the most of that. And if you're kinder to yourself, you start to like yourself more. And when you start to like yourself more, you're onto something. I want to talk about where real confidence comes from and why it so important in creating a happy life. Most people in life don't start very confident and then they work through their early years trying to acquire things and make something of themselves and achieve things so that they can feel confident. They go for a job that makes them feel accomplished. They try and get a partner who looks a certain way or makes them feel a certain way. Someone that they can, you know, go out with and say, look who I'm with, look what I have in the way of a relationship and of course someone just to feed their confidence. They try to buy stuff in order to feel confidence so that they can say, look at my house, look at my car, they acquire contacts, friendships, make themselves part of certain clubs in life, live in a certain destination. So these things are there to feed confidence. The problem is all of this stuff makes people inherently vulnerable. What I think is really interesting about life is how many people that we think are really confident just have all of these things working for them right now. But if one of these things went down, especially one of the important ones, all of a sudden their whole ego would crumble because it's based on these external factors. What we want is to graduate our confidence to hopefully mature enough to a point where we realize my confidence has to be derived from something deeper. This isn't, you know, part one.

And.

This is part two. We actually have to flip that. So this is part one and this then becomes part two. And that is what everyone has wrong. they believe that their life mission is to acquire enough stuff, enough importance through their relationships, enough importance through their calling or their job, that they can feel confident about themselves. This is completely upside down. This is where we start. And the reason that's so important, not that it's important on two levels. One, it makes us safe. Our whole identity, our whole confidence and self-worth isn't vulnerable to these things changing all the time because we start from that place. So what that allows us to do is be happier in these things because we can enjoy them for what they are instead of constantly being afraid that they're going to go away and therefore living from a place of anxiety. So emotional stability and happiness is one big result we get from building that relationship within ourselves first. The second big benefit is a very practical one, which is these things, it's not that they're not important, it's not that having a great relationship isn't important or having a great work life, you know, creating purpose in your life isn't important. It's not that having things can't be fun for its own sake or any of these things, friendships, belonging to certain communities, all of these things can be important. But I believe we need to start with core confidence, start with a really strong relationship with ourselves where we feel enough so that we can truly go and make an impact in these areas. Because as long as we're living, as long as our confidence is living off of these areas, we actually go to these areas with an anxious energy that stops us from taking risk, stops us from, let's say, in a relationship setting standards with the person we love. stops us from having difficult conversations with people that would actually improve those relationships, but in the short term risk creating friction. We would, you know, if you take the example of me making a video, if I'm worried about what everyone thinks, then I make a video that panders to what people want me to say instead of making a video that's for impact. And the result, the difference in the result is huge. One is playing it safe, and is very much reliant on whether I'm liked by the end of it. And the other one is just based on is this gonna make an impact? If I already love myself, if I have a great internal confidence right now that says I'm enough on my own, I have intrinsic value, I know who I am, I know why I love myself, I know what my relationship with myself is, then I come to a video to provide value. Then I say this isn't about me, this is, I'm not coming to get something out of this, I'm coming to bring my self-love to this, I'm coming to bring my stability to this and to make a case for whatever it is I want to say, I'm here to make an impact. So when we have core confidence, we can go to all these areas to make a true impact instead of going to them to try to get something. You can go to your relationship to make an impact in your relationship, i.e. act out of love instead of acting out of fear. If you want to be truly happy in your life by enjoying the things that you're creating in your life, enjoying the things you have instead of living with the anxious vulnerability of if they go away, I'm nobody, I'm nothing, I have no value. And if you want to make a genuine impact in your life, in the world, in your relationships, in your career, then we have to start with core confidence and then bring that core confidence to all of these areas of our lives. If you want to see, by the way, I wanted to show you something this week as a kind of direct representation of what it looks like when someone goes from a place of fear to a place of confidently making an impact. I have a video for you, a training that is taken from my at-home retreat program. Many of you know twice a year I do a live retreat, but a couple of years ago I turned that into an at-home version for people at home. I've taken a piece of that training where I bring a woman onto the stage and take her from part one here to making this part one so that she could go and make a genuine impact. Check it out. It's at this link. Click the link now and you can be watching that free training right now. I think this is important to everybody because this isn't a video for, you know, the downtrodden who have no confidence whatsoever. This is a video to anyone whose confidence right now is inherently based on something that is leaving them highly vulnerable to life changes and is minimizing their impact in life because that's where they're living emotionally. I like the idea that we write down on a piece of paper our New Year's resolutions. You know, I want to do, I'm going to be confident this year. And then all of a sudden, there's that little voice in our head that says, you do realise we still hate ourselves, don't you? And you go, but why are you still here? It's 2021. Why are you still here? Because it's still there. That's what life does. It's just our problems continue and it's up to us to deal with them. Since life is all just a continuum, at any point we can decide to disrupt the patterns that we we live by on that continuum. And now, the beginning of a new year is as good a time as any to do that, because we want to start living the life we want today. We want to be happier, or more confident, or more at peace, or more at ease with ourselves, or more clear about our direction and intentional today, not next year, because we want the benefits today. That's the reason to do it right now, is not because it's the beginning of January, but because We want the benefits of change now. I have a clip that was taken from a video that Stephen, my brother Stephen Hussey and I did together that was all about how to be the most confident version of yourself. And I think that it's a wonderful time for us to release this clip. I know you're gonna love this. Check it out and I'll see you back here at the end of the video.

Hey Matt, I have a question for the podcast. I would be really interested in the insecurities that you have to struggle with. because you are one of the most confident people here on social media and a great role model. And that's why I'm always wondering if there was anything you have to struggle with.

Do you, I don't know if I'm one of the most confident people on social media.

That's quite big. Luckily, she said it.

So I would never, you would never catch me saying that about myself.

I, people do describe you as, you know, to me as like Matt's so confident in himself and you know, they, they feel like you're, you got it made, right?

I, what insecurities? Why? I think I have all the same insecurities as, as other people. I think it's always the extent to which your insecurities dominate you.

Yeah.

Because what is that, then? If you've got all the insecurities other people have, is it, is it just perception that you're perceived as more confident? Because I, I think there is a a level of confidence in you that many other people don't possess. But as your brother, I know there are things, you know, like all of us, there are things you think, oh, I'd like that to be a bit different about myself. I don't feel great in my body today or this. So what do you think that is? Do you think you just are good at overcoming those or, you know, not letting those define you how you're going to come across?

I think it's a combination of things. It's you. Firstly, you do what you can where you can, right? So you work on your body to the extent that you can, your looks, you work on them to the extent that you can.

You.

There are certain things that you. You do what you can with what you have. It's not being confident isn't about accepting the worst version of yourself. you figure out what power you have over certain things. We can all groom, shape ourselves, look after ourselves in order to look better and feel better. If we're talking about physical, for example, which is a major level of area of insecurity for a lot of people. And then past that point, I think confidence can be a combination of self-acceptance and fatalism. self-acceptance in that you grow to love, you know, you sort of love, you know, we talk about this on the retreat. You love yourself because you're all you have and because you're someone that you're responsible for.

Right.

People don't love their kids because they're the best. They love their kids because they're responsible for their kids and because they want the best for them. So that's the self-acceptance part. The fatalistic part is the part where you go, fuck it. No matter how much I worry about this thing, it isn't gonna get better. Like it's not, it's not me worrying that I don't look as hot as that person isn't gonna make me hotter. So this is what I'm here on this earth once, and this is what I have.

Right.

So let me go and make the most of that and stop worrying that I can't, that I'm not as whatever as this person because I'm not. I'm just not. Like it's, there's certain things I'm never gonna be. And I think that when you get comfortable with that and when you get fatalistic about it, then you just go, well then I'll do the best I can with that.

Right.

And that guy is not better than me because he was born better looking. or taller or whatever. Like it doesn't that that's like that's the lottery he won.

Yeah, right.

We won certain lottery tickets too. Like, but it doesn't it doesn't make someone better than me that they had different resources or that they were gifted different things at the outset. That doesn't make anyone better than me. Yeah, just means that's what they got. so this is what I've got.

What?

My. My whole game in life is, what can I do with that? And what can I do with that? This is what I got.

Yeah.

What could I do with it? Like, that, to me, is what makes your life a work of art.

It's like, how can I play the game with these cards? Like, what kind of game could I play with these?

Yes. Like, I I.

This.

Yeah. What art could I make out of the. I've been given a. It's like, you know, like in. What are the shows like MasterChef or whatever, where they just get given like a handful of random ingredients? Right, right, yeah, yeah. Like a bit of carrot, here's some cinnamon, there's some creme fraiche, here's a bit of salmon, and they're just like, go for it. They don't sit there for the next hour that they have crying over the ingredients.

They ain't goin'...

I bloody wish I had some creme fraiche right now. No, they go, I've got an hour. I've got one hour. to make the most of these ingredients and how good of a chef I am has zero to do with these ingredients. It has everything to do with how I use the. I'm not going to be graded on how good of a draw I did in the beginning on my ingredients. That's not what Master Chef is about. Is it even Master Chef? The show that I'm talking about? It's one of them.

It's one of the shows where they get given.

It's one of the thousand cooking shows. I'm not gonna get graded. on, like, I drew the ingredients. They don't all draw ingredients. And then the show ends there and they go, well, Jonathan won. 'Cause he drew a bit of steak and some garlic butter and some asparagus.

And Jonathan got the rib eye. No one's gonna top that.

Call it Jonathan's Drawn the Rib Eye. That's not the show. That wouldn't be a show. Right. It's not roulette. It's the show is they all get given ingredients. Let's now see how great of a chef they are. That's life.

Wow.

We all got ingredients. We're not going to be great like anyone worth talking to isn't going to grade you on your ingredients. They're going to grade you on what did you do with those ingredients? That's how that's now you're a chef. Be a chef. Don't be someone who's trying to draw a good hand. And even for me, even if no one thinks you, even if no one ever realizes what you did with those ingredients, you do. And that's worth noting too. Go back and look at what you did with your, like, look at if you want confidence, look at what you already did with a bunch of your ingredients. Like, what did you already do? Where have you already been a chef?

Yeah.

In your life that you're not giving yourself enough credit for. Because if you look at that, you'll see.

We forget those really quickly, right? We forget really quickly the amazing recipes we have put together.

Yep.

Because we just move on from that and go, yeah, but I haven't achieved this.

Yeah, because you're always looking at the meal that you haven't cooked. But look at the ones you already cooked. That's amazing. If I want to get ridiculously confident right now, all I need to do is look at the meals I already cooked. And then I'm gonna go, my God. And I cooked those meals with who I was five years ago, or 10 years ago. I was a much worse chef then than I am today. And look what I already cooked. So imagine what meal I can cook today with what I have. Whatever ingredients you find yourself starting with this year, don't judge the ingredients. the ingredients aren't your art. The way you use them is. And by the way, if you want to use your ingredients to full effect to see what's possible for you, and I really believe that our minds today cannot even conceive of what's possible, what our ingredients could become a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now. When I look back on my life, no matter how big I dreamed, I know there were things that I've been able to do and create and make happen. that were beyond anything I could have conceived of then. This video is for you if you feel like no matter what you've done to improve your confidence, be it in your external appearance or what you've achieved in your life, how many new relationships you've gotten with friends or family or partners, your internal deep level confidence has never really improved in the way that you wanted it to. the same insecurities that have always haunted you are still there. I'm gonna take you right now to a live clip from a seminar I did recently in Melbourne, Australia, where there was a woman in the room who had exactly this issue. In my answer, I give her a model for confidence that is gonna help you too. And watch to the end of this clip because afterwards I'm gonna join you back here on this sofa with a free gift that is gonna show you how to take that model and begin implementing it today.

I remember that you said something on your video, you said if you're living an extraordinary life, having someone great is just a byproduct. So for me, in my life, I always focus on how to be the best version of myself. And I find that something always stops me from getting the best version of myself is not confident enough. So how to be really just confident, not just fake it, really, really from the bottom of our hearts just be confident.

I think that's a great question. The whole, you know, how do I, how do I learn how to be confident at the deepest level? I always teach there's three levels of confidence. There's the surface level. The surface level is how other people perceive you. It's all the things you do on the surface. The lifestyle level is what you do in your life that gives you confidence. confidence, skills, hobbies, work, family, friends, all the things you derive confidence from. The deepest layer is the core. And the core is the layer that if you get that figured out makes you the next best thing to invincible emotionally. Now, it doesn't stop you going through pain, but what it does do is it means you can lose things and you know at the bedrock of your confidence, you'll still be okay. That getting to that place that you're talking about is an emotional process, not a logical one. Okay? And this isn't me selling you, this is just me giving it to you how it is. The reason I do that on my retreat is because it's an emotional process and it takes me five days to get people there. It's not something that in two hours in a room like this, I can do for people. Because I studied this for years because I was fascinated by the answer to that question. what makes someone truly confident on almost an unconditional level so that your confidence wasn't tied to whether this person said yes or no to you.

Right?

It came from within. True internal validation. I studied that for years, and what I learned about that, I put on that program. But I take people on an emotional journey to get there because there's some things that logic doesn't solve. If logic solved everything, then, you know, telling someone on the front of a cigarette packet that you're gonna die would stop people smoking. But it doesn't. Logic isn't enough. You have to control people's emotion. But emotion is a more subtle process to transform yourself emotionally. So logically, you might know you're enough, and everyone might tell you you're enough. But for whatever reason, no matter what happens in your life, no matter how much you achieve, no matter how many facials you get to make your skin look great, no matter how much you go to the gym to lose weight no matter what you do, it still doesn't solve that problem of your own self-worth. That's what I do for people on the retreat. And it just takes longer. But thank you. Wait, you're coming?

And these are?

Oh, fucking great. All right. Why did you put me through all of that?

But let's start from tonight. What is that's something I can do.

From.

Tonight every single day?

Between now and the retreat, the one tip I can give you between now and the retreat in October is start being more kind to yourself. In all the little ways that you can be, start being more kind to yourself. Like, Neilam, is it Neilam? Neilam, you know, it's hard enough to miss this guy. or to feel like it sucks that you've been back there over and over again without beating yourself up for feeling that. And that's what we do. We do twice. We beat ourselves twice. Once with the feeling and once for feeling the feeling.

Right?

Because you're going, why do I miss him still? Why am I feeling this? Being kinder to yourself is allowing yourself to feel that and experience that and not demonize yourself for it. Recognize that, hey, it's actually a gift. that you're the type of loving person that can feel on that level. And so many people I know, because I meet them all the time, have numbed themselves to feeling what you're feeling right now.

Right?

They've made themselves numb so they can't even feel pain like that. Give yourself props for being courageous, courageous enough to actually feel pain and care about someone that much and feel that connected to someone and not shut yourself off to love and recognize that now it's about steering that energy in a productive direction. But don't beat yourself up for feeling those feelings, because if you didn't miss him, if you didn't feel connected to him, if you didn't feel all of that, you also wouldn't be capable of loving the next person that's going to come along who's going to be better.

Right?

So it's about being kind, be kind to yourself along the way, especially when things are going wrong. And if you're kinder to yourself, you start to like yourself more. And when you start to like yourself more, you're onto something. All right. Thank you. I really want you to watch this next video. I think it's going to make a big difference in your life. Click the link here. And then we're looking every day for reassurance. Did you mean what you said yesterday? Are you really going to stay with me? Are you really never going to cheat on me? We can never get enough reassurance, and reassurance always needs to be topped up.